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You’re Dating My Ex?!

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the-ex
I can't believe those 2!

A couple weeks ago, a member of the great Omega Psi Phi Fraternity, Tunde, wrote a blog post on a situation that one of his female friends encountered. It is important to note that he has not been pumping said friend as would be expected of us Ques. But to give an overview, his friend was dating her ex’s frat brother. Actually, let me be a bit more specific. She was dating the line brother of her ex-boyfriend. For those that aren’t too knowledgeable of Greek life, this means she was dating the man who pledged and became a member of the fraternity at the same time and at the same school as her ex-boyfriend.

To even go deeper (pause), this means that her ex and this man she is now dating had a lot in common because of their shared pledge process. They more or less became brothers. Now the ex-boyfriend and her current interest may not have been best friends, but they were extremely close in the most hetero way possible. The ex-boyfriend got a bit salty because he found out by surprise that his frat brother and his ex-girlfriend were dating. Granted it had been 2-3 years since he broke up with the girl, but this didn’t make it any more acceptable that the 2 of them met and are now actively seein’ each other.

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After reading this, that notorious light bulb went off above my aerodynamically shaped dome. I wondered how I’d feel if one of my boys started dating one of my ex’s regardless of how I ended with the person. Quite honestly, if I found out by surprise I’d be tight. Actually, if either of them approached me to share the news I’d still be tight. I don’t care if it was 2 or 5 years later. When it comes to good friends or close fraternal brethren, there are some rules that come into play. I’m all for people finding love through whatever mediums are out there aside from meeting at a strip club, but sometimes you really need to think about how that decision affects the people around you—particularly in an instance like this. I really couldn’t imagine datin’, pipin’, or snugglin’ with any of the girls that my friends or close frat brothers had dated in the last 5 years. One time I ended up dating a girl who had coincidentally shacked up in a previous life with a frat brother of mine. Needless to say, we are no longer together.



At this point, I’m sure there are people screaming insecurity, fragile ego, and immaturity as usual. Those seem to be the default words to go to when something isn’t agreeable. I’m starting to think insecurity and immaturity make the world go round. But in my humble opinion as it pertains to this situation, datin’ your boy or girl’s ex is just a formula for disaster. As a man, I operate under the thought process of “There’s so many women out there to date and mess with, so why you gotta deal with my ex homie?” Where as many “older” women will typically say “The past is the past and you need to let that sh*t go!” Well of course some would say that. The numbers are already skewed to a man’s favor, so of course if one has the opportunity to snag a good guy with mean pipe she’s going to do whatever is reasonable to justify make that a reality.

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But yeah, this is just my opinion. So what does everyone else think of scenarios like this? Is it okay to date your friend or frat/sorority person’s ex? Is there a statute of limitation in play for this? Anybody have any relationship success stories that came (snicker) as a result of this type of dating situation?

You dated my LB? Have a nice life,

slim jackson

Comment(53)

  1. Color me selfish but OneChele no share. No statute of limitations. The ONLY exception is if it was just someone I don't consider an Ex-SO. If it was just some guy that I had a drink with once, you are welcome to him. But if this was my guy and carnal knowledge was involved… that's a no-no.

  2. I believe there is a statute of limitations on how much time passes before one is permitted to date my exes, particularly if its one of my Ships. But it is also dependent upon how long and how serious the relationship was, as well as how the relationship ended.

    If we ended on a good note after 3-4 months, he's fair game as long as the convo is had to let me know. But if we kicked it for like 3 years, then I WISH my homie WOULD try to get at him and not let me know… It's unsisterly, its sneaky, and it shows poor character for both parties. But let another few years pass, I wouldn't care who was kicking it with who.

    Success story: I dated this really cool guy for 5 years. We ended on an awkward but positive note. I met this girl randomly and she seemed really cool so I befriended her. Longer I knew her, the more I knew she'd be really perfect for my ex. So I introduced them. 4.5 years later they are engaged. I'm still cool with both of them.

    I'm not territorial- I've even once tried to hook up my Ship with an ex. I just believe that since logic and emotion (end of era V.S. baggage) seldom agree, people just need to be courteous before making certain moves on the homie's ex.

    Ummmm, but if there are kids involved, the homie's/Ship's ex is hence forth FOREVER off limits.

  3. So, I've tried twice in life to date a guy who wasn't even a friend's ex but more along the line of a "friend's interest who wasn't interested"…boy were those BOTH bad ideas….

    I learned through them to not really trust a friend's power to let go of an interest, whether stated or implied, because, well, chicks just don't let go that easy. Yes, I say chicks because on the second try I also happened to be dating a good friend of an ex of mine (VERY strange situation), and he got over it. He also married the woman who was in his next real relationship, which is another reason I say chicks don't let go that easy because even I had a glimmer of jealousy towards her. I hated that it was my natural reaction, but it was, so I dealt with it and am happy for them both.

    As far as dating a friend's ex…maybe if I decide to explore women and date an ex of a male friend it could be something to try…but until that situation presents itself I've pretty much learned not to go there, exception being no one knew we all knew each other when it started, and even then I'm sure much conversation would be had.

    As far as a friend dating an ex of mine…I'd probably be pissed for a minute, but if they were happy with each other (I think) I'd ultimately be happy.

  4. Depends. In a situation like that, the girl/guy is setting themselves up for disappointment and/or failure. Dipping in the "[best]-friend-of-his/hers" pool is a bad move, especially when it's like …that. But like I said, it really depends. I'm not one for it, unless you end up extremely happy from it (which I feel is unlikely). And then again, it can be dangerous… Some people are really and terribly territorial (ahem). Please don't date someone I was head-over-heels in love with and come talk about him to me just to have me complete your sentences about him or even worse COMPARE what he did to what he's doing now. Ugh. Lol. Okay. Said my piece. ::sigh::

  5. Forget about him and his text message. If he's an ex he shouldn't feel any need to be honest with you about anything. You and he are over so you should both be moving on. Maybe he was trying to hurt you by telling you he's dating a woman now…dating bayern

  6. No…. It's not cool to date and ex's frat brother or his best friend in Kindergarten even.

    The male ego is fragile like a bird's wing (no homo. lol). At some point, it's gonna get out that you have said friend/ frat brother's sloppy seconds.

  7. Depends on the people involved. I've seen it work, and I've seen it *not* work, lol. But if the ex and your friend are truly happy and you can't get past your feelings of anger/jealousy/whatever, you may still have feelings for that person. Just because she was yours once doesn't make her yours forever.

    On the current s.o.'s side: I would give my man a serious side eye if he talked about being mad that an ex of his was dating a friend. *sharpening knife* "Why you so concerned with what she's doin' homie?" Ok, j/k – mostly. But if you're happy, no need to look back or get salty. If your friend and the ex are being shady they'll bring the bad karma on themselves.

    P.S. – we call you all out on fragile egos because your egos are fragile. Like Nicki said, bird wing fragile. Robin's egg fragile. Spider web fragile. Soggy cardboard fragile.

  8. The world is too small and life is too short for all these "rules"…… get over it. She's not your girl anymore, years have passed, you don't get to lay claim to her for the rest of your life. Folks wanna talk about women and our emotions and attitudes, but I've seen male ego rival ANY bout of bitchiness or PMS. For real.

  9. appreciate the shout out dog.

    on my post i didn't leave my opinion on purpose because i didn't want to sway the opinion of the posters. i guess i can leave my opinion here. personally, i'm as close to my line brothers as i am my real brothers. i wouldn't want to date anyone that used to date my brothers and i wouldn't want my brothers to date someone i used to date.

    i'm not saying that i would require them to ask my approval but i would be looking at my line brother sideways. my ex girl, not so much. we aren't together anymore and i really could give a shit less what you are doing with your love life. now i take friendship very seriously and that just seem essential to the soul. lol

  10. I could care less. If we broke up, it was for a reason. And unless I still got feelings, I don't particularly care whom he dates after me. If a "friend" begins to date one of my ex's, they're clearly not a friend and more of an acquaintance. So, again:
    I + care < 0</strong>.

  11. Not happening. I think the only people that cosign this are the people who cosign anything that makes them feel good at that moment. No matter what the act. Just because it feels right doesn't mean you should do it. As far as men I don't understand how you can do this. Why would you get in a serious relationship with your homeboy's jump-off or girlfriend? It's a situation I don't want to be in. I can't see myself booed up with a chic my boy smutted. How can you be with a chic that your boy had deep emotions and a serious relationship with?

    1. Humble: "Not happening. I think the only people that cosign this are the people who cosign anything that makes them feel good at that moment."

      I cosign this.

  12. No can do! I mean to each its own..but that's just crossing the line for me. I really want to avoid those awakard moments as much as possible! Seriously can you imagine being at a BBQ chillin and laughin only to see your ex walk in and glare you down cause you with his boy??? No can do.

    Now I do have a friend who is dating the best friend of one of her ex-boyfriends. Her ex was killed about 7 years ago and her and the best friend are practically engaged now! She doesn't feel weird but the whole town is whispering. She says she does feel any guilt or shame about the situation. She's excited that she finally found someone that loves her. I still think it's awakard but I respect her choice even if i don't care for it

  13. oh yeah dawg. you forgot to add that i put in the post that there was residual feelings by BOTH parties. so i would assume that there were still feelings by BOTH parties.

  14. This situation has popped up with my LS's a few times. It's best to tread carefully…

    I'll start by saying that all of my LS's are dead sexy. No lie. We crossed in 04 and people STILL talk about how fine we are, from the Ace to the Tail.

    Now, while our overall fineness is a great thing, it can cause issues to come up.

    Story 1: A few weeks ago, I was at a party and ran into one of my bruh prophytes. He found out about my newly single status (I was engaged last time he saw me) and he graciously and respectfully offered to take care of any…frustrations I was having. Lol. Now, let me tell you that this man is the perfect specimen of tall, muscular, brownskinned glory with good teeth and conversation. But, I had to kindly laugh him off and tell him go on somewhere with that, after all, he had smashed my Ace back in 05. He gave me the blankest look and said, "That doesn't matter." And I came back with, "Uh, yeah it does."

    They weren't bf/gf, but he was always at her house when we came by and he managed to meet the parents. She would be upset if I did it, I would feel guilty and the rest of 04 would feel obligated to tell me about myself – 'nuff said, not worth the drama. I gave him a hug, told him he was fine to death and I loved him and that if he hadn't slept with my Ace, I might woulda considered it. The end.

    Story 2: The second one happened about a year after we crossed. A bruh decided he liked two of my LS's and got into both of their heads (and pants). Thing is, neither of them knew about each other's status, cause they were trying to keep their boo business on the low. Truth came out, drama was had, they blamed each other – it was a mess. But, Bruh shoulda knew better, he knowingly almost caused an implosion. Luckily, my LS's got on the True Sisterhood tip, built a bridge and got over it. But, it was a close call for minute there….

    The lessons learned from these experiences:

    1) If both people are knowledgeable about a past relationship, it is BOTH of their responsiblitiy to not let stuff go down. The bruh in the first story shouldn't have asked and I was obligated to turn him down regardless.

    2) Stay away from the men of Que Psi Phi. They will jedi mind trick you every time if you let them! (I kid, I kid…kinda!)

    1. I've seen story 2 happen a few times in my college days as well. it was particularly why I stayed away from the Ques. but no bruh bashing over here, I promise. LOL

  15. I think it is a messed up situation to be in for all involved. It is not ok to date LB’s or LS’s, OR other members in the frat that the person might have a close relationship. The bond between LB/LS is something that few understand if they haven’t experienced it. You share more with those individuals sometimes then you would your own family. They have been through something with you and been there when there was no one else who could understand. So that bond it usually a very strong one and people generally want to carry those relationships on in life. Something like dating an ex can definitely destroy that relationship. We are human first and that gut reaction is how you really feel and if you salty when you find out (whether they told you or a mini leprechaun told you) that is how you feel. That will make you give the woman the side eye and your LB a black one sometimes. I have seen it happen so many times. Weeks, months, years go by and a man will STILL not want his boy to go where he’s been if he ever had feelings the woman. Sharing is not something most men I know are comfortable with doing with anyone when there are feelings attached.

    I do know of success stories though. Some people (SOME) can rise above it. A young lady I know dealt with 3 dudes out of the same line. She is currently seriously dating Dude C. He says he doesn’t care and that they were young then. Well Dude A is an ass and makes her uncomfortable at every turn. Dude B could care less she was just a notch on his bedpost. It all depends.

  16. To me, the level of closeness between the friends is what determines whether this is a dealbreaker. In this example, it's implied that the guys are really close which would seemingly make things awkward and, for me, a no-no. Then again, the guy who's dating old girl now may not put the same stock in the whole LB thing, and therefore see nothing wrong with it.

    A friend of mine is engaged to a guy she met through her ex. Initially she didn't want to date him because she thought it would be shady. His position on the "friendship" was "dude is cool, but we ain't all that."

  17. I fail to realize why this always comes up. I almost anticipate, just as you've said SJ, that the women will be like (puts on scratchy sista voice) "so, move on! It was the past, you should be able to look past whatever they had especially if they weren't too serious."

    I avoid these situations because, just as in college numerous times, I don't like chicks who friend hop within a circle. I also have an unspoken rule that I don't deal with any woman that was a JO, GF, SO, potential wife, whatever. I don't want any reminders of what my dude had/did and I don't like the awkward feeling that arises if we find ourselves in the same space. For those of you who just go in head first…you've been warned.

  18. I am in this situation now actually…i went on a couple dates with a guy who i found out used to be real cool with my ex…my ex's name actually came up on a recent date and it's weird. I don't think either of them are aware of the situation bc they don't really talk anymore, nor am i sure that they really get along based on the context to which my exes name was brought up…my ex and i just stopped talkin this year and i still kinda have feelings for him (we didn't end on bad terms…i just need to separate myself from him so i can get over it) Needless to say i think it's best that i leave this one alone…At least they're in two totally different frats lol

  19. I commented on Tunde's blog my thoughts, but I encountered this very recently. past weekend was my HS reunion and one of my guy friends was getting pushed up on (so he says, NOT the other way around) by a girl that is his best friend's ex (whom was unable to attend the festivities). I told him that I thought it was pretty shady, even though said friend is recently married. My mom was even like "oh but B is married now, he can't mind". I still think that if my homeboy is gonna try to get with ol girl, he should consult his boy first. I was wondering about a statute of limitations, myself. this wasn't a HS romance, but a during/post college relationship. even still it has been about 4 or more years. I cant' call it….

  20. Yea, it's def a no no… I won't even put myself in a situation where anything can possibly happen between me and an ex's friend… It's just not worth it.

    Men are more likely to become friends again if the relationship happens to end… last thing you want is to be treated and spoken of as a jump off (even though you weren't) just because two dudes got their ego's bruised…

    My close girlfriends and female associates KNOW not to EVER cross that line… If you do, it says a lot about your character and you'll be immediately cut off…Women do not forgive that type of behavior…EVER….

  21. It's happened to me before and I know of one of my ships that did the same.

    My situation: My serious college girl and I broke up. Everyone knew this (small campus). About a few months afterwards one of my frat approached me and asked me if I was ok with him dating my ex. I told him I had no problem with it. She's grown, he's grown, and they can do what they want. I didn't own her. They never got serious.

    My Ships situation: He actually dated and married one of another frat's exes. They lived together and everything. The first bro dogged her out, but my ship treated her nice.

    I think the main thing is just that you have to let the other person know and not just try to hide it.

  22. I wouldn't do it myself, and I would look askance at one of my friends who would get with one of my exes. I don't understand why a man would want someone his boy skeeted in. Out of the three billion women on the planet, you really want your boy's sloppy seconds?

    Friend: Man, Bufhrequa does this thing with her tongue that's amazing!

    Me: Yeah, I know.

    SDot also brought up a good point that it depends on how close you are with your friend. How awkward would it be if things worked out between them, they got married, and you're thinking to yourself, "I smashed my friend's wife"?

    1. Unless she's still holding her v-card, you're getting someone's sloppy seconds. I'm not trying to defend the practice wholesale because some people get into it just for the drama and rush…but for some it's about getting with your soulmate. Some women/men lay claim to every person they've ever winked at (selfish). And like I said before, I would be more upset as the current s.o. if my man got emotional about *anything* an ex does. She's your ex, why're you trippin?

      Being trifling carries its own rewards. No need for additional judgement from the man/woman who didn't want you "way back when" in the first place.

      1. Anna N.: "Unless she’s still holding her v-card, you’re getting someone’s sloppy seconds…She’s your ex, why’re you trippin?…No need for additional judgement from the man/woman who didn’t want you “way back when” in the first place."

        True, you're likely getting someone's sloppy seconds, but that's not the point of my post. The point is it is awkward when you've been intimate with your friend's significant other. It's not so much "trippin" or being jealous that I lost someone that I was with, it's the uncomfortable feeling of knowing I've shared the same intimacy that my friend had with his wife/fiance/girlfriend/plaything. My woman may have had a dyck in her mouth before I met her, but I prefer not knowing whose dyck it was. Judgment doesn't even enter the equation here.

        Of course, if one subscribes to the maxim, "it ain't no fuuuuuuun if my homies can't haaaaaaaaave none!", maybe this doesn't make sense. But I think this causes uneasiness in most people.

        1. Hugh I feel like I know you already. I've actually been through this. My first love left me for my best friend. We were roommates at the time. Had known both for at least 9 years. Afterwards ex-bf ended up marrying 1st love like 3 years later. By that time I got pissed, got over it, got smarter and had forgiven both for their unkind to me acts (btw, I'm an Athiest). So know I'm all good. You don't have to worry about em. Feel free to have guiltless past ex love. 🙂

  23. LOLOLOL at this topic.

    Slim, excellent post!

    I will say this:

    If dudes smashed and had no REAL feelings, I would still inform him of my intentions, be it to smash or to wife, just to make sure he didnt feel a certain way. If she was knows as WIFEY or GIRLFRIEND not "Seeing" or "dating" then yea, off limits.

    Just know that if you do step out with said person, be ready for a world of drama and hurt, especially if you are creepin!

    Finally, I love how in the greek game ppl can and will get claimed years after the fact. lol. I know dudes and chicks who are seen as forbidden fruit to certain orgs, but that wont stop cats from hangin around the tree to wait forthat fruit to accidentally fall off, hahahaa!

    chuuch!

  24. Nope. I wouldn't knowingly do it and I expect the same from my friends. Fortunately, my friends and I are so different we rarely attract the same men. As for my linesisters a couple have dated the same dudes. Nobody married them and there was no ugliness. But that's probably because people didn't know until way after the situations had occured.

  25. I've done it. This guy had dated my linesister & a couple of years lated approached me about going on a date. Now my linesister only dated him for a couple of months while we were in school and I already knew they weren't in contact anymore. I made it a point to call her & get her permission before agreeing to see this guy. Had she said no, I wouldn't have done it. She said it was fine, so I went ahead with it. Turns out that he & I only dated for a couple of months anyway. It never became a serious relationship.

  26. These things happen to me all the time. I actually have an ex-girlfriend that's married to a close friend of mine now. Did it completely behind my back too. Am I mad about it? Not really, I can see how they would end up together, it is what it is. I mean, a lot of this comes down to the dynamics of the situation. I have had people date my exes after me, and ask me, and if i'm like I have nothing but respect for her, didn't work out, but maybe you will have better luck, then it's fair game. However, if i'm like I can't stand that trick and my boy still proceeds he's not only dating my ex, but he's siding with her on her ridiculousness.

    In all things, I do not put much past men because they aren't always thinking with the head on top of their shoulders.

  27. My friend is going through a situation like this now. He and my LS dated since high school and now have broken up. My LS is now dating HIS DEAN. I was friends with him first but she is my LS and we are actually kinda closed. Since I don't want to be in the middle of this I have pleaded the fifth. What do you all think about this situation?

    1. I think you should try to stay out of it…emphasis on try. That sounds messy and that protocol stuff doesn't apply when it comes to relationships. I'd try to tackle the one that made me for some ish like that since I wouldn't be able to tackle her.lol. How much time went by though between relationships?

  28. My boy is engaged to a girl I use to date (more like smash on a regular basis). He met her one night when me and my boy stayed at her place after we left the club. By this time ole girl pretty much hated me because I didn't want to be with her but we still had relations on the regular. Throughout the night she kept saying how nice my boy was and how she wished she had met him instead of me. Mind you she hates me and I didn’t care because I can be an ass at times. The night concluded with me getting in the after club sex session with her while my boy slept on the living room couch. 2 days later my boy calls and said that he and ole girl were going to go on a date. My boy knows me well enough to know I couldn’t care less. Now almost a year later they are engaged. She still hates me and I still don’t care. I will be laughing on the inside while I am at the wedding since I will probably be the best man.

      1. *DEAD*

        LMAOOOOO

        Damn son son! PLEASE Ustream that best man speech!

        "I know Kilolo for many years, and our friendship has been a smash hit. What a homie!, speakin of smash hits and homies… my man Malik.."

  29. This is @ right coast lex steel regarding his line about hip hop coming from reggae. You are wrong.the cadence n flow off rap came from Blues, which became "spirituals" which became gospel, which became r& b. Most of the early r&b were church singers, of course the most prominent was Ray Charles. What reggae brought was recreating the sound in the studio for the streets. Kool Herc (a jamaican I believe) was one of the 1st to do this in the states. But flowin in cadence was around with Muhammed Ali, the Last Poets -Gil Scott Heron. And lots of 70's Lps had artist whom over a long "break" would "talk" it was sumthing never heard before. I just couldn't let such a thing past. Last if nas is so bad why is damion doin an album with him. Why you at it show me his best work they go rite there in anythin in hip hop. Remember he was name droppin top drug dealers when it didn't make you "official" plus what about his verse on "verbal intercourse"? That shit is better than most of these new guys entire catalogue.

  30. Greek 101: Dating an LB or an LS or frat/sorors in the same state is a DEFINITE NO-NO.

    There was an instance a few years ago where this guy dated my LS for a few months then about a year l8r tried to come at me. Sir, I am the tail of a line of TWO!!! Needless to say….GTFOH!!!!

    ~end scene~

  31. I wouldn't have a problem with them being together per say (in regards to an ex dating a friend of mine) BUT if when we were together we were real serious it would make the situation difficult for me. Especially if she is a close friend because then I'll most likely run into the two of them together often and even have to hang out with them sometimes and that would just be awkward….. Unless we ended on a bad note, I most likely would still have some kind of feelings left over for that person so I would feel a tinge of jealousy at first and I'm sure after some time it would subside but they would have to respect me (e.g. not making situations involving the three of us more awkward than they already are). And if they went behind my back then I would have a problem with that because clearly they thought it was wrong if they felt the need to hide it. But chyea.. to each his own and it really depends on the specific circumstances. One ex might matter to me more than another.

  32. I recently got divorced after 5 years of marrage. It is strange being single again after all these years. Since my wife and I split up, I have been searching the internet looking for solid dating tips and advice. I found the information here to be insightful and helpful for anyone currently single or in a dead-end relationship. Keep up the good work! Internet Dating Tips for anyone

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