Home Dating & Relationships Relationships Who’s Gonna Check Me Boo?!

Who’s Gonna Check Me Boo?!

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The following is an excellent question my homegirl posted on Facebook:

Fellas have you ever been with a girl who has some random male friend who thinks he has rights to her? You know who I mean the one that has a crush on her and is waiting for her to have a weak moment. The one who irks your nerves, tries to stop by her crib without calling, or he calls her all hours of the day and night just to talk and see what she is doing. If your shorty is jonesing on the phone with this guy at 10p, 11p, 12a, Is your girl and her friend disrespecting you or is it cool with you?

Now ladies…….. ladies, ladies, ladies, let’s flip the scenario 😉 your boo has a female friend who is just a little too friendly, seems a little like she’s throwing herself, she’s hugging up on him every time she sees him, calls all hours of the day and night just to talk and see what he is doing. If your boo is jonesing on the phone with this girl at 10p, 11p, 12a, Is he and his friend disrespecting you or is it cool ?

Do you ignore it, check your shorty, or check the other person?

Needless to say, this question got a Milli responses! You know I had to put my 2¢ into the conversation so here we go:

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People build relationships through attraction, love, and understanding one another. None of this matters if you 2 don’t have a foundation underneath your house composed of RESPECT! Respect for yourself, your significant other (S/O), and your relationship. Without respect, your relationship becomes a facade. Through my own personal experiences, I’ve come to admire and cherish all my friends,  irrespective of gender. I strongly believe that “lovers” come and go, but family and good friends are irreplaceable (another article in itself). I’m not the one to drop all my friends when I get into a relationship, because those people will still be there through the good and bad times. However, those same friends must respect your relationship no matter their personal feelings towards you or your shorty!

Those scenarios Lily described (Extra friendly, constant late night calls, jonesing etc.) can cause your S/O to flip out! Such phrases as “Who the hell does this B*tch think she is?!”, “I know she wants to FCUK you!”, and others may fly out her mouth faster than a formula one race car at Daytona Beach! Or she can choose to ignore it completely. Either way, your man/girl should be checked before anyone else. They promote and encourage this by simply ignoring these behaviours. Your S/O should be comfortable enough to tell their friend that they need to chill with any extra affection, or anything that may tick your shorty off. Your shorty earned the right to command a certain level of respect once you “put a ring on it”.  Your S/O has the right to dictate certain airspace restrictions, and if when they do, you need to holla at your friend and inform them of the policy, because you know what happens when your friend violates restricted airspace:

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[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QM6zpobO_GU]

I’ve never been a jealous BF. I always have confidence in myself and the relationships I’ve had to never feel threatened of other dudes. It’s different when these so-called friends blatantly show out in front of you with no regard for your relationship. If you see it, then your shorty sees it too. Then I would question the type of “friend” this dude is to her, and inform my S/O to check it before I do.

I’ve been on the other end of the spectrum too. The minute I hear a female friend has a new man in her life, I send her my farewell care package and chuck the deuces. They would immediately ask why I’m acting up, and it’s because of the situation above. Not because I disrespect relationships, but because I don’t want NO problems, problems (c) Lil Scrappy and Lil John. Seriously though, I understand the dynamic of relationships, and the respect that you must give to your FOTOS (Friends of the opposite sex). My FOTOS will tell me when I can/cannot call, try not to do this because of xyz, and other guidelines so that their S/O won’t get upset. I feel them 100% on this issue, and try my best to convert my interaction with my FOTOS accordingly.

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So I say check your S/O first. If the problem persists, or if you don’t even see an attempt at correcting this issue, then by all means embarrass the hell out of your S/O and check the friend. It’s only right! This doesn’t give you psycho, insecure, sucka 4 love people the right to be paranoid of EVERY FOTOS with which your S/O converses. You don’t have the right to check every friendship they have. That’s whack to say the least and a definite ground for dismissal. We all know the difference, so don’t exhaust your S/O credit prematurely. After all, we’re in a recession!

Your Thoughts? Speak on it!!

Streetz alias Mr. Write Now

Comment(24)

  1. The s/o needs to put their friend in check. I had a chick always questioning this dude I was with…asking him his whereabouts…and finally, I had to let him know, that he needed to put ol' girl in check…I did not care how far back they went…leave that on the playground!

  2. It's basic math, the relationship is between A and B so it's up to A or B to make sure C and D know the rules. I had this situation where my S/O had a friend who was used to all sorts of out of bound privileges: popping over, borrowing cars, calling up all hours with some bullshiggity. I gave him two chances to put her in check. He was concerned with "being nice" (so he said). I had no such hang up. Just sat back until she did something inappropriate in public (sat down on his lap and said, "Your girl won't mind if I borrow you for a minute.") and commenced to setting the record straight… with him… in front of his people…. who co-signed… with applause 🙂

    Almost let my pleasing personality slip… but he had to get told. Don't let the bougie fool ya. I'll tell you this though, we had no more issues with the FOTOS.

  3. I totally agree, OneChele. A woman's spidey sense tingles when another woman is sniffing around her man. But a real woman deals with the man first. And if that doesn't work…..well, I tried to be nice, didn't I? Now you have to deal with my inner Aquanetisha.

    I had a similar situation, but not quite as bad. My S.O.'s FwB from high school left a few wistful (" *sigh…I guess we're just not on the same level anymore", "Oh, you have a girl? I'll fall back then) messages, on facebook and on his cell. Now, I don't deal with facebook drama because I'm too old. But I know a thirsty b**ch sniffin' round my man when I see one. Spoke with the S.O. about it, haven't had a problem since.

    My feeling is that if, for any reason, your FOTOS can't be a genuine friend with your S.O., you need not hang/communicate with them. If it's like that, date your FOTOS. If it's not then they'll always be in the way of a happy relationship.

  4. I used to date this girl who had a friend that predated me who I knew had a thing for her. She thought that he was just "super nice" but I knew better. He was a photographer so he would always show up at her shoots and try to put his two cents in or come back to the dressing room when me and her were hanging out and "llinger." He was a lingerer! She still thought he saw her as like a sister. Until of course, one day he's over at her crib and tried to crawl up in the bed with her. She checked that shit quickly and I ain't seen the boy since.

  5. I will check my S.O… if he chooses not to respect it, I'm leaving. Point, blank, period. I really have no reason to deal with the third party because I'm not sleeping or caking with her. He needs to handle it.

  6. I agree, it's best to say something to your SO. They're the one with the relationship with the friend and the relationship with you. It's their place to mediate how those relationships go.

    On a side note. It's "Who's" as in "Who is" not "Whose" as that is the possessive form.

  7. SO's check eachother if there's an issue with one of their friends. At the end of the day, each relationship is different, and boundaries are definitely different. What works for some may not work for others but open and honest communication is key. If there is an issue that I had with a friend of my SO and vice versa…we can discuss that together as a couple and then let those boundaries/guidelines reflect in our dealings with our friends. I'm not the jealous type at all and neither is my dude. We both came into our relationships with friends of the opposite sex. As long as things are kept respectful…its all good. I don't have time worrying about if that friend wants to sleep with him and vice versa because only the two of us can run our relationship off into a ditch. Not the friends. Set the boundaries that work in your relationship. And roll from there….

  8. I think friends are forever ( or however long the season), but like you said, as a friend you need to know when to fall back. If you think something would disrespect your SO, consider that behavior and don't do that to your opposite sex friend so his/her SO wouldn't feel the same way. For me, its all about courtesy. I agree with everyone that's said, SOs check each other, then they check their friends. Also, yes there's no need to be suspicious of all friends, but I've been in the company of some clueless men that have no idea (so they say) that their homegirl is checking for them…

  9. i agree with most of what was said already. i also understand that people are going to have friends of the opposite sex. most of my closest friends (not associates) are female and thats just by chance.

    "You don’t have the right to check every friendship they have."

    this part is also true. some people need to understand the line between checking a s/o and becoming controlling of who their s/o associates with. not a good look

    1. "some people need to understand the line between checking a s/o and becoming controlling of who their s/o associates with. not a good look"

      THIS!

      Insecurity and jealousy can end a relationship off quick! What bugs me out is some people think that its NORMAL! Im always weary of a woman i deal with who are super inquisitive about my friends, making comments, and having issues. May be a deeper problem somewhere within

      1. Quiet as kept, that's part of why chick from AGP got cut (other than her just not being "the one").

        I'm with you in terms of the fallback policy when it comes to FOTOS and their new relationships. With some, if I know there's an attraction there, I will cut all ties and not even contact them anymore, especially if a ring gets involved. Regardless of my feelings on the girl's new man, whether said or unsaid, it's as much on me to respect her relationship as it is on her to respect her OWN relationship.

        I had this debate the other day with a FOTOS who hinted at wanting to get taken out for dinner. I told her how I felt about it, given that she has a man, and politely declined. For some reason, she got upset, called me a "hater", etc. Now, if I was her man, I would feel some type of way about my girl soliciting free meals from other dudes. And me personally, once you get involved, stuff that I would do for you, with you (and sometimes to you) when we were both single gets CUT, because that's your MAN's job now, not mine.

  10. I've always made it clear to past S/Os that my friends were there BEFORE them, which is important. And will be there aftwerwards, which again is important. I've never had to deal with a S/O that has a close friend of the opposite sex, although my ex did live with a female, who always wanted to know what time I was coming around, when I was leaving, where we were going blah blah, which I found strange. However, my closest most trustworthy friend is male. And my past S/Os never really got used to that, even though my friend was respectful enough to chill out on the calls/txt when I was in a relationship, and understood I couldn't spare as much time. His females that he messes with hate me though, lol. Even his jumpoffs.

    I think sometimes a little more communication and opinions need to be stated. That's often where the problems lay. Don't like it? Speak on it. Don't just screw your face up at it/the friend.

  11. Oh Gosh. Unfortunately, this is one of the reasons my last relationship ended. I had issues with my ex's FOTOS being a little to friendly…Calling all the time, not acknowledging my existence, sending extra friendly text messages (i.e I miss you, come see me, ect). Yea, thats right…I checked his phone…

    I had to check him…and eventually check her…Needless to say, she was to much of a coward to respond or give me any explanation of her behavior. And according to him, I was over reacting, the girl means no harm…blah blah blah…

    I felt disrespected and I think it is unacceptable. When my male friends get girlfriends, I always take a step back, I try my best to show her respect (esp. since a sista always thinks some1 is after her man), and I certainly don't hang out with him without inviting her.

    But it is what it is…Not everyone acknowledges basic relationship etiquette. sigh*

  12. It's never just friendship. One of these parties are attracted to each other in most scenarios, therefore I think it's understandable if your significant other feels some type of way when your best friend of the opposite sex gets too close. In many cases, there are feelings there, but we learn to surpress them for the sake of not causing conflict and because friendship means way more than the potential of losing a relationship with someone because you wanted to take a leap.

    I know someone who just proposed to his best female friend… the two have never dated. I have guy friends that I would say I'm not attracted too. In some instances those guy friends are attracted to me. I have guy friends that I happen to find very attractive. We're human. It happens. I don't think it's a question of if these feelings exist. I think it's a fear that the person who is dating someone may get too close to said friend when their boyfriend or girlfriend is nowhere to be found and ultimately complicate things (you cheat, mess around, profess feelings, blah blah blah). In any case… I agree with the methodology that you should take a step back, but I don't believe removing yourself from the situation will change how you feel. In this case, it's a matter of whether you respect your significant other to take a step back and how much he or she actually trusts you.

  13. i think its funny how people get in relationships where straying is even an option. this entry is written from the perspective of someone thats extremely immature and is in a shallow relationship because of it. you only have to check someone when you arent fulfilling them. its human nature to have your needs met.

    if a person knows what they need and see that youre meeting them or can meet them theyll stay with you. loyal people dont need commitment checks. they need to be told 'get yourself together and let me know what you need from me' checks.

  14. and i also find it odd that no ones brought up this side of things:

    dude has a girlfriend. he hates her. he has a best friend. he loves her. HES always pushing up on the best friend and doing things with and to and for her that indicate 'were getting married and i mean that'.

    it isnt always a shady best friend. sometimes its a person setting up the next move in their life. theres no reason to check anyone if everyone knows thier role in such a play. when people are confident, never hesitant, and always on par with the person calling the shots everything goes as smoothly as planned.

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