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Baby, Can I Borrow Some Money?

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****** Admin Note ******
I want to take the time to announce to everyone we won a black weblog awards.  I am proud to announce, SingleBlackMale.net is your:

2009 Black Sex & Relationship Blog of the Year

And not only did we just win, we swept the category with the Popular and Judge’s vote.



And shout out to Slim Jackson, RCLS, and the whole Three Ways to Take It Crew for winning the Best New Blog award.  Ya’ll are doing big things.

– SBM
****************************

Beauty Booty: Did you know Lamont borrowed money from Tameka?
Slim Pumphauser: Yeah. I’m aware. She offered it to him cuz funds been tight for him lately. Good girl he got.
Beauty Booty: I don’t know how I feel about that. He shouldn’t have taken the money.
Slim Pumpdeeper: Why not? She makes $100K per year. What’s a few hundred bucks to her for her boo?
Beauty Booty: He shouldn’t have accepted. He should have gotten it from elsewhere.
Slim Pumpstronger: Oh, so he should have stressed himself out more in the short term by tryin’ to find money rather than being man enough to accept what was offered?
Beauty Booty: Yeah. Unless they married or engaged, he shouldn’t be borrowing money from her. Does he not have any pride?
Slim Pumplonger: Pride gets people killed Sugar Cakes. Now get yo fine @ss self over here.
**Boom chicka wah wah**

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This is one of those things that boggles my mind. It’s a societal norm of sorts that the man is supposed to be the breadwinner. I get that. However, in today’s world that is quickly changing. I know a lot more couples where the wife is the one that’s gettin’ bank. I’m not gonna focus on that though. I wanna talk about the more traditional side of things. It’s tough for some of us to  hold our own sometimes because sh*t happens. People get laid off or fired from their jobs. They become the victim of fraud or have their identities stolen. The list goes on and on.

See, I’m a believer that if you’re in a relationship with someone and not just effin’ that you should be able to count on each other durin’ tough times. I know a lot of people that would agree with me…until money is officially in the picture. I’ve been tryin’ to figure out if this is primarily a Black thing or if it’s the case for all groups of people in these here United States. The discussion that I had with Beauty Booty before gettin’ some is one that I’ve had with several others as well. And for whatever reason, I always end up finishin’ the conversation with a line about pride bein’ a beast. I do personally think that this is more of an issue with Black folk even though I don’t have official stats to prove it. My dad once told me “One of the biggest problems with Black folks is that we’re often reluctant to ask for what we need.” That didn’t mean too much at the time. But nowadays as I see people lettin’ their pride body them, it’s a lot evident how right Pops really was.

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Some of us, both men and women, would rather work 2 jobs and be stressed out for months than take money that’s offered to us by a significant other. Granted, I don’t think that every time someone is offered something that they should take it. There are times where it really is better to look for an alternative. For example, if a dude is offered 2K from his boo and he knows he won’t be able to pay it back for years and that he’s slidin’ off on her regularly, he probably shouldn’t take the money unless he wants to go to court. Another example, if a man is datin’ a woman that always likes to hold things over him in later arguments, he probably shouldn’t take the money unless he’s ready to get beat over the head with it 5 years from now.

If my boo was bankin’ and she offered me money to help me in the short term, I’d take it. That’s just me though. I don’t like stress. But how about everyone else? What are your thoughts on borrowing money from significant others? Is this cultural? Any happy ending (not like that) stories or nightmares? Do you have any particular rules about this? Let’s discuss.

See Also:  I Date for Convenience

Baby I Gotcha Money,

slim jackson

Comment(45)

  1. The new girl goes first…

    Boy you betta take that money she's offering.

    Hopefully she's smart enough not to offer it to just any ole boy, lol.

  2. Pride goeth before a fall…

    Chile…if your boo is offering you money earnestly and you KNOW you need it, you betta not act the fool and take the help she's offering..shhooottt. I'd rather owe you than owe Bill.

    On the flip side though if keep borrowing money from me and it's because you lack money management skills , we're going to sit down and talk about it first..yes I'm talking about bills and bank statements and pay stubs (oh my).

    1. $20, $30 buck here or there, no biggie. One sided taking. yes. No way to pay back, wrong. Can she borrow from him? git help from him? Does he cook, clean, watch the kids, give it. If his only game is showing up, oh hell no.

  3. It's fine to help our your significan other…. Your TRUE SIGNIFICANT OTHER- the one who is giving it just as much as he's getting it.

    I have a homegirl who was messing with this guy and he was ALWAYS borrowing gas money from her, wanting to use her car, asking her to pay for him to get into the club, do his laundry, etc. but the times when she needed him, he was NEVER availalble.

    I don't completely fault this guy, he was playing his posiiton- if she was giving it, he was taking it.

  4. I agree that it has to be a true S/O and it needs to be a "until I get on my feet" situation and there should be a plan in place for the getting up on the feet. Regardless of who is borrowing, if one person feels like they are being used or taken advantage of; the relationship is endangered.

    Also, if you are the loaning person – you have to be the sort of person who is comfortable doing that. I'll share one of my relationship fails: http://www.blacknbougie.com/2009/08/from-feast-to

  5. I've got an ugly sense of pride. I wouldn't take her money. I learned early on that taking that money automatically puts a mark on you, whether in a relationship or not. You see, one of my manhood rules which I've always stood by is paying of debts. It's one of the biggest integrity checks you can have. My brothas understand this, but very little money gets exchanged, we just "look out" when we can. Bring a woman into the situation, even if she got it, eventually she'll bring it up, so just like SJ said "she'll hold it over your head." I'd probably ramp up my side hustle 200% in order to prevent me from having to borrow from her. Might suck, but so does being indebted to someone whom I'm not married to or plan to be with for the long term.

  6. If I got it and I can help out, I'm helping out…

    otherwise, what's the point of being in a relationship with him, if I am not willing to help him elevate his game? Even if that means loaning him a few hundred dollars. Especially knowing how hard it would be for most men to ask in the first place…if he's be man enough to stand up and ask for help, I'm giving it to him.

    and if he has no plans for paying it back, he should not ask to borrow, but moreso give him the money…especially if that's the expectation to begin with.

    Now if we're just getting to know each other, and our thing is not serious…don't come asking me for money, my response will be, "I don't know you like that".

  7. I've found that people with a conscious are relatively uncomfortable asking for help as well as with accepting it…perhaps because because they don't want to feel like a burden. On the other hand, people that hold what should be "good deeds" over the recipients head are just plain 'ol miserable beings.

    I'm with you CPT…I would rather exhaust myself than to be under someone's "thumb" so to speak. But but but…I think "you" know who's going to persecute you for being a little down on your luck and who's not! lol

    1. The one woman that comes to mind is Mama. Sis ain't got and all the rest I wouldn't dare. This problem comes from how I grew up. Living with my father and hearing "no" or getting that look when you ask for $20 was the worst. At 14 years old, I got up off my arse and worked doing whatever someone was willing to pay me so that I wouldn't have to ask my parents for jack. I didn't have to ask for anything until I started teaching. That $35K a year in the DC area was the worst and I'll admit, a bit damaging to a brotha's ego.

      I dunno…most of my friendships involve very little in the way of exchanging money. It's more of an exchange of time, a listening ear, a little gas here and there but we don't play savings and loans. It's kept my friends around for quite sometime.

      1. I've kept my friendships for nearly a lifetime, and we give and receive easily.

        If I got it, you got it- and I have learned in my present situation that if they got it, I got it.

        I think it depends on what kind of friends you've made… especially because most of the time we don't even have to ask, it's offered: "What, oh, word, you go the interview? How much do you need to get there?" There's no asking or pride involved. Just love.

  8. I've said it once and I'll say it again:

    I'd give him the money…not loan but give.

    He's my man (which means he's prolly handlin biz)

    Whatever he needs…I got it.

  9. i used to be with you slim. i'm a lifetime student (well at least until may) and while i do get paid to go to school its not anything near what i would be making in my field. so i date a woman who is already in her field and working. she obviously makes more money than me. i don't care how much i'm struggling, i would not ask her for money or would i accept it. i would rather ask my parents or family first. its not pride either. you brought up a really good point:

    "if a man is datin’ a woman that always likes to hold things over him in later arguments, he probably shouldn’t take the money unless he’s ready to get beat over the head with it 5 years from now."

    i've had this happen to me. an ex bought me a whole bunch of stuff for my crib. i didn't ask for it. i came home from a conference and my house looked completely different. of course i couldn't afford to pay her back and she didn't want the money. but as soon as things turned sour she surely had an estimated total of all things she bought. i surely paid her back and i vowed to never be in that situation again.

    1. I was wondering if anybody had stories like that. I've never been in that situation with money, but I've had a variety of other things thrown back in my face…which led me to believe that money would be even worse.

      1. trust me it is. as much as they would be like i would never throw this in your face. iPromise they will. all they need is to be emotional and feel like they are backed in a corner ad they will reach for any piece of ammunition they can.

  10. Congrats, SBM (and the whole SBM fam!). Muchly deserved. You've started some FANTASTIC relationship discussions with yours posts.

    Beauty Booty? REALLY, Slim? LMFAO. That made me chuckle, which is good since today is our Monday. I hate Mondays, but I have a special hate for Tuesdays masquerading as Mondays.

    I agree, though, that pride can be a beast. It can get the best of a lot of folks. I think a ninja borrowing money from a chick is interesting in particular with this independent woman trend. I know a lot of brothas hate the movement, but I wonder if these same brothas would hesitate to ask her for money? I'll say yes and no because I know ya'll egos are too big and wide as men, but then again this recession (yes, the default reason for everything) will have people doing the David Ruffin and begging, leaving pride at the door.

    While I think sticking it out on your own is admirable, I think it is JUST as admirable to let your pride go and ask for help, considering the stigma attached to it. No one is truly alone and even though you're the one ultimately making choices and accomplishing certain things, you're still depending on someone else in some aspect. Even getting a job. Yeah, you filled the application out all by yourself, but you're depending on the employer to pay your bills right? This same principle should go through your head when borrowing money. Especially if it's borrowing. Yes, you are asking for money, but you will work hard to pay it back. And who knows where that money will go to benefit you and double that amount.

    1. "I know a lot of brothas hate the movement, but I wonder if these same brothas would hesitate to ask her for money?:

      Yes. Just to add to what I was conveying before, there is a lot that happens when money is exchanged. Unless I were to deal with a woman that says "money is nothing, I've got it like that so don't worry" then okay. However, it's never been like that. Even if she's making more than me, asking for money is still like signing away a part of yourself. At least, that's how it is to me. I've always watched what happens in instances where men were given certain things of high value. It was as if a clock started and every action thereafter would have to equal to the dollar amount given. Oh, so I gave you $50, then I expect you to take me out to Ruth's Chris. Oh so I bought you some Timberlands…you can buy me that ridiculously ugly and expensive purse…just to show you care. But I digress…if any of you fellas have the type of women that doesn't trip off of bread or the lack thereof, please send me and email detailing how you managed to find her.

  11. I have always taken the stand that I wouldn't take money from an SO. Many marriages fail because of finances so why inject that aspect into my relationship.

    Secondly I don't want to owe anyone anything. I have heard from so many women after they split with a guy I bought this, paid for that, and etc. So I said that will be one less thing she will have on me if we part ways. I won't be looked at as a user.

  12. It would take a lot from em to take money from anyone, let alone a S/O. Well, family is exempt because it comes with the territory but you get my drift. My main reason for reluctance is what Tunde said. I feel a lot of people never truly "give" without reservation. The reservation may be latent or on the surface, but its there. I would have to be 100% confident that she wouldn't hold it over my head, and even then I would still look to pay her back, for my own personal sanity if anything.

  13. popping in to say congratulations on the award! i dutifully followed instructions and voted whenever you harassed us, so i'm glad, very glad it all come through! yippeee!! all my fave blag blogs won – for a minute there i was torn about who to vote for, but i managed to spread it round enough for everyone to win! woo hoo!!

    love and bubbles from jo'burg!

  14. Hmm… I mean it's all about the maturity of the relationship to me. If you are in a situation where you are already basically with joint accounts and whatnot, then it's OK. It's just a simple, I give when you need, you give when I need. If it's a one way thing or a result of bad financial decisions, then you just cannot do it.

    On the other hand, if you gonna give it, you give it. You don't lend it. Unless, it's like can I borrow a G to pay my rent and then i'll give it back to you on Friday when I get paid….

  15. Love the blog! I follow religiously but this is my first time commenting. Nonetheless, I think you touched on something and I'm surprised no one said anything about it. Granted, it's a little off topic, but as soon as I read it, I kinda disagreed. You said something along the lines of, black ppl will work multiple jobs before asking for money and that as a ppl we have a lot of pride (paraphrasing here). Yet, when I read that I immediately thought about all the "urban" black ppl who take full advantage of every hand out the government, mama, papa, their baby's daddy's baby mama can give them without a care in the world. Not only will they take it, they have no problem accepting it for years on in especially if it's money from the government. I dunno, just a thought that came to mind….

    1. That's a great effin point! Definitely didn't catch that when I was writing the post (womp to me). The "urban" folks you speak of are probably a little bit different than the folks who read this blog or my other blog on a regular basis. Drop by http://www.threewaystotakeit.com if you haven't and you'll see what I mean. I made some assumptions, but definitely should have taken the "urban" people into account when I was scribing this here post and making a generalization. Really glad you pointed this out and I hope you return and comment again soon!

  16. Naw Slim, actually *we* read here too :0) lmao. TANF. Sec8. SNAP. Free lunch. Energy assistance. Been there, done em all… for years…

    Ohhhh but now that I read your blog maybe folks will start saying "you're not like other black people" to me?!? Sh!t I'm almost bougie!!! 😀

    1. Dontchu even go there. Last thing I need is people calling my site the bougie blog.lol. All I can do is go off the folks that comment regularly here. And all those folks can clearly read well and seem to do well for themselves in life based on their comments. So my perception of the audience here is that most of 'em are doing well/decent. Isn't that a good thing!?!

  17. I see where you're going with the whole urban blacks who don't mind charity but I think as a whole that statements doing us a disservice. O grew up in predominantly white suburbs with a lawyer mother & doctor father. That being said, I know a lot of people with background similar to mine who loooove charity as well & do not mind "borrowing" money. Just saying, it's not an urban thing.

  18. I know I'm late to the game, but cot damn you better just be happy I showed up (c) Yeezy.

    I've seen my family members relationships gets all messed up when it came down to money. All of a sudden dude Auntie was dating went from needing a few dollars to needing a loan to becoming that dead beat mutha effer we all talked about at the Family BBQ. After seeing that as a kid, I vowed that wouldn't be me. I didn't want to be the dude relying on his girl to make his bill payments. At the same time, I have a serious complex about asking people for help. Mainly because I don't want to be a burden and I'm used to being self-sufficient.

    As I've grown up, I've realized that I may need to just ask people for help. Including my girl. I still haven't done it, nor do I even feel comfortable doing it, but I know at some point I'm going to need to do it. I'm just delaying the inevitable as long as I can. Like a dude that's been engaged for seven years.

  19. In the past, I have let my s.o. borrow (have) money provided that some time in the past he has helped me out. I am never the first to lend/give money but if they've been there for me before then I got them when they need it. My only thing is that I always make sure that it's money I can afford to not see again if need be. Also, as long as the inflows & outflows of money between the two of us somewhat balance out then I'm good because best believe I keep a running total in my head.

  20. LMAO @ Boom chick woow woow. Everytime I hear that, I laugh.

    Hmmm I think I'd let my boo borrow some money from me (I also don't think he'd ask me for it though). It just couldn't turn into a habit. I love you, but 'm not your sugardaddy.

    I've always had a problem asking guys (and really never have asked them — only once to my long term bf) I was dating for money though but was always amazed at my friends who always had a guy buying them all these nice clothes, shoes, etc. I couldn't see how they felt comfortable to do this. But I also don't know what they were doing to get it.

  21. I personally don't think a man should have reservations about receiving financial help from a gf unless he feels like its not being given genuinely or from the heart. It honestly depends on the person. Some women will spring it up & try to immasculate dude, for taking it. But some men truly do take advantage of a helpful situation. It's up to both parties to figure out if they're being played for suckers. In my previous relationship my bf got laid off from work for two months & I didn't hesitate to help him. In the beginning he was definitely prideful bc that's how he is, but overtime he knew that it was a sincere act. And bc I knew he'd do it for me if the shoe was on the other foot, I had no problem helping him out. And I never loaned him the money I gave it to him. My mama taught me that if you give someone something you should NEVER throw it in their face, bc that proves it wasn't from the heart. Men need to stop being so caught up in societal standards & stereotypes and ease up a lil. If u need help brotha, I gotchu! (If you're deserving)

  22. Absolutely not!

    In my last relationship, my significant other offered me some money – not a high amout and I said no. That there would be that pride getting in the way.

    For me, I prefer keeping money matters out of the relationship, like someone said, unless we're engaged or married (I've never been, either, but I digress).

    The reason: When you start swapping money, it can confuse things. Is this person with you cause they are really into you or they there because they like what you do for them?

    If you keep money matters out of the picture, it helps you see things more clearly, then you ain't got to throw that hot pot of grease on him (or her) or call Judge Joe Brown with fool won't pay you back.

    You and your money go your way and me and mine will go ours.

    'Nuff said.

  23. I'm sorry but I don't know any man that would borrow money from his girl. I do believe Black folks don't like asking for help and we should start to change that, however before you go to your girl for help try a friend or a family member. It makes me skeptical of a man's motives when he asks for money from his woman. Just don't sit right with me!!! SMH!

  24. First off, congrats to you all on last year's achievements. Keep on keepin' on.

    But how about everyone else? What are your thoughts on borrowing money from significant others? Is this cultural? Any happy ending (not like that) stories or nightmares? Do you have any particular rules about this? Let’s discuss.

    Honestly, I have no qualms about helping a friend or significant other in need. I have at least one male friend whom I've lent money a couple of times, the last of which he was having some difficulty paying me back. I smiled and told him it's cool, and that he can consider it my graduation gift but if his ass doesn't get that piece of paper, he'd better have that ish ready with 50% interest. I also lent a former S.O money (post-title), and I already knew he probably wouldn't be able to pay it back. Hey, if you can't turn to those who supposedly care about you in times of need, who're you supposed to turn to? To be honest with you, I'm more comfortable with lending my guy friends money than I would be lending some of the women, because the guys already feel bad enough having to ask that I never have to remind them about it. The friend I mentioned earlier will be the one to bring it up ever so often, thank me for being understanding, and let me know that he's doing his best to get the money together. Some of the females might eff around and develop amnesia.

    My rule of thumb is to never lend more than what I can afford to part with permanently. Funny enough, I don't feel comfortable with the idea of asking a significant other for money. Then again, that's probably because I don't like the idea of being in that kind of a position to begin with. To date, I've managed my funds well enough that I never had to ask even my parents for money all through my University years. My poor mother would get concerned everytime I lamented about being broke and offer to send me money ASAP. Meanwhile, I would have a couple of G's sitting pretty in my account. I've always been a bigger picture kind of girl – my Excel spreadsheet had me seeing negatives regardless of how much I had in there because I was factoring in the totality of my expenses over the school year. The goal was always to "break even" by the time I dropped the pencil at the last exam. I think I'd probably ask the 'rents for money before I'd turn to a significant other.

  25. I’m sorry I disagree. Unless you are my husband you ain’t getting nothing from me. Last time I helped out an ex boyfriend it started out with baby can you loan me $10 and ended with the loser living off me and his mom and dad entirely. All of us collectively helped this ungrateful bum support his lazy pothead lifestyle and I didn’t even get good sex out of it because the loser could’nt get it up or keep it up most of the times anyways. Done being that patient giving woman to a no good classless man who has no shame. Sorry fellas men need to be men n ladies y’all need to let me be men or end up with deadbeat baby daddy’s and grown men still living in their mama’s basement as we have been seeing lately. Also my ladies need to stop being gold digging hoes! Get some damn respect people. Like I said I stopped handing out financial aid the day my ex boyfriend and I separated. I’m still trying to get back on my feet after getting financially drained by him. Now I do me. Only person I’m responsible for is me and my kids. Need money? Go get a JOB or govenment financial assistance. I’m not your ATM.

  26. I’m sorry I disagree. Unless you are my husband you ain’t getting nothing from me. Last time I helped out an ex boyfriend it started out with baby can you loan me $10 and ended with the loser living off me and his mom and dad entirely. All of us collectively helped this ungrateful bum support his lazy pothead lifestyle and I didn’t even get good sex out of it because theI’m so frustrated right now! loser could’nt get it up or keep it up most of the times anyways. Done being that patient giving woman to a no good classless man who has no shame. Sorry fellas men need to be men n ladies y’all need to let me be men or end up with deadbeat baby daddy’s and grown men still living in their mama’s basement as we have been seeing lately. Also my ladies need to stop being gold digging hoes! Get some damn respect people. Like I said I stopped handing out financial aid the day my ex boyfriend and I split. I’m still trying to get back on my feet after getting financially drained by him. Now I do me. Only person I’m responsible for is me and my kids. Need money? Go get a JOB or govenment financial assistance. I’m not your ATM.

  27. I been talking to this guy for over a month now. About 6 days after we met he asked to barrow $100. He said he will pay me back with interest within a week. I have yet to see the money. On top of that, he is consistently trying to get me to give him money. Of course I say no every time. I do like him, however I feel like he cant take care of himself and he has no shame asking me for money. Its very unattractive, however I'm hoping this is just a phase in his life and its not his baseline

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