The Designated Boyfriend

49

On my personal blog, I like to give accounts of different events in my life. For example, my Globetrotter Confessions series documents the crazy things that happen to my friends and I both out of state and abroad. I’ve decided to give similar accounts of my partying experiences (clubs, house parties, etc) to give people, whether you’re from NYC or elsewhere, an opportunity to see the humor in my own situations. This opening chapter will focus on a club phenomenon I like to call the Designated Boyfriend.

So I’m in the club last Saturday with a bunch of people celebrating birthdays. I’m chillin at the bar with a bunch of my homegirls (all of whom are attractive). I’m trying to get a drink and post up, when one of my homegirls pulls me to her side and starts looking at me, rubbing my arm and chest. Now, these are all FRIENDS whom I’ve had NO relations with of ANY kind. That doesn’t mean thoughts don’t go through a brother’s head though. So in my mind I’m cycling through all the possibilities: “Is she drunk? What does this mean? Why is she being so forward? She’s definitely drunk….but should I rock with it? Jamie Foxx already gave me an alibi…this could work…hmmm… No NO we gotta use logic!! Damnit! Just ask her what’s good”.  So I being to open my mouth to speak when I glance over and see why I got the pull over. Some 40+ Indian dude was kicking that Mumbai pimp talk and she needed me to play Mariano Rivera. I realized and thought to myself “Sorry you perv, your fantasies aren’t fulfilled. You have become the designated boyfriend”.

See Also:  Is he expecting s*x?

Fellas, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Let’s say you hit the club with a few female friends. A dude, whom one of your attractive female friends have deemed “undesirable” tries to kick it to her. She needs the save, so she tells the other dude she has a boyfriend. When dudes challenge this boyfriend theory, she pulls you to the side to confirm her words. No matter how confused you look, it usually works out that dude will get the message and walk on by. I swear this happens to me once a month, and gets more hilarious by the moment. While I have no problem helping out a friend in need, the designated boyfriend move can pose some problems for the designated individual (me).



Retaliation by the Undesirables

So now you pull me over with the claim that I’m your boo. Dude looks at me, smirks as if in his head he says “Fcuk this Ray-J lookin @ss nikka, he aint sh*t!” and walks away. What if dude is drunk and wants to “show you he’s a BAWSE”. He won’t bother YOU. I’ve made a new enemy without even trying. While I laugh every time this happens to the other dude, I watch my back. Hate is a helluva drug.

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Miscommunication

The homegirl pulls me into her situation without a proper debrief. If I’m not hyper aware that she needs a save, I may just say “stop playing” and walk away, thus crushing her save attempt. Ladies, if your going to pull a Designated Boyfriend (DB) move on a dude, at least when you pull them, let them know immediately that you need the save so he can react accordingly. The confused look is NOT what’s hot in the streetz!

The Inadvertent C*ck Block

When my female friends need that Designated Boyfriend(DB), they will come grab you at a moment’s notice, irrespective of what you do. So if I’m in the club conversating conversing with a young lady and  my friend pull the DB move just when I’m about to  seal the deal, I officially become the “grimy dude trying to holla when I have a girlfriend” which may work to my advantage sometimes, but that’s another blog. It takes too much too explain, and automatically turns into a “Shorty Holla FAIL”. What do my female friends say to this? Either “You weren’t trying to kick it to anyone right? *LOL :-)*” or “It’s not like you aint gonna holla at 7 more chicks so its whatever. She aint cute anyway.” We cool and all, but if you won’t substitute yourself in her place, or offer an appropriate CP3 inspired alley-oop to a female of equal or greater value, then this type of collateral damage is unacceptable!

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This brought a smile to my face writing this, as situations like these at parties leave room for many future stories and clowning sessions on my friends who dub me the designated boyfriend. Fellas has this happened to you? Ladies, when have you needed the save badly and had to pull a male friend for assistance? Fellas have you used the Designated Girlfriend maneuver? Let me know!

– Streetz

Comment(49)

  1. See…I would at least give you a heads-up…a signal or I would say something that would clue you in on what was going on. But my fauxbeau's pretty much come to my rescue in these situations, so I don't have to play the role with him wondering wth is up with her.

    Designated boyfriend…funny, I might have to use that. I need one of these, epsecially when I get invited to weddings and other social events that typically require a date.

      1. You had to see my face though… Shorty literally said no words to me and just started feelin on my chest <del>I started feelin on her breast, and aint no need for me to stress the rest</del> and I was like "You drinkin?" She tells me "Shut up!!' and keeps goin.

        lmao

  2. My best friend is a guy and whenever we go out n a club situation, he automatically becomes my boyfriend when the need arises. He's so used to it that he can read my body language and come up and put his arm around me. On the flip side, I actually had a girl try to 'warn' me in the restroom that he was a dog because he was trying to holla at her and was checking out other women. 🙂

  3. I have often played the role of the DB, and didn't care for a long time. It gave me a chance to act out and get reckless fir fun.

    That was of course until one day in Adam's Morgan (DC night spot) where one would be suitor was drunkn and ready to fight. Now I require promises of p**** in exchange for my services.

        1. Damn I love Adams Morgan… Big Ass Pizzas and Girls Eating Pizzas with Big Asses… but I digress…

          How bout if i just yelled out,"dude she's NOT EVEN MY GIRL!" and ran away like a lil billznitch. You would judge me, wouldn't you?

          Damn.

        2. @ Rahim

          I knooow…those big slices are the best. Especially @ 3am when everyone in the spot arrived from the club in a drunken stupor (except you, of course) and you watch them dance like they're still in the club…

          Yeah. Good times.

    1. "Now I require promises of p**** in exchange for my services"

      How funny!! I really laughed on that one! (students are looking at me like a commited a crime!) Bartering is an age old technique and most parties get what they want!

      But every chick needs that "boyfriend till this song goes off" at the club. Me and my Bud def have an unspoken–we go to the club together, go our seperate ways, come back when help is needed! Sometimes I don't mind playing wingman either. I got him a hook-up a couple of times!

  4. I've used the "My man is here" excuse sooo many time…Usually there is no designated dude to point to…I just point into the crowd…and sometimes I say he's looking over here…lol

    @Nicki, the 'I'm a lesbian or I'm gay excuse has never worked for me….It just turns them on…and they ask all these questions…They somehow think their lesbian threesome fantasies are all of a sudden going to be fulfilled that night…Boys are soooo stupid…lol

    But I have put some of my boys in that position…But only in situations I can't handle myself. You know, that extra aggressive, persistent, won't take no for an answer dude. Never really thought about how it might affect my homie…So a game plan is always needed…But it sucks when your DB meets a girl and start Macing…lol

    1. "They somehow think their lesbian threesome fantasies are all of a sudden going to be fulfilled that night…Boys are soooo stupid…lol"

      Exactly!!!!! And that is what happened to me… I was like ninja please don't invite yourself up in my "relationship." lol

  5. LOL..been there, done that! Some Dudes just don't understand 'no' and will follow you around until you take drastic measures, lol.

  6. I've used the DB a time or two. One night at Station 9 this guy comes up to dance. HORRIBLE dancer…I'm talking brushing dirt off his and my shoulders (no the song wasn't on lol). So anyway I dance a bit and he asks for my number. I point at my friend nearby (who is cracking up laughing at us) and say that's my man. He dances a bit more then leaves.

  7. everytime i go out wit my male friends, i warn them right before entering the club that if they see me acting all touchy with them, they should know im using them as a DB which takes off the confused look off their face everytime…….

  8. I have most definitely used my best friend in DB situations. He knows me so well that I can simply give him a nod from across the room and he knows that there is some cyclops getting extra aggressive. Likewise, I have also played DG when the extra drunk ugly girl starts grinding on him. Same nod and we both leave the club without the undesirables following us.

  9. I've played the DB and I've (inadvertently) used the DG. The DG usually comes and saves me from some troll. The DG would determine if the girl was worth time. I once was dancing with a chick and the DG walked up looked her in the face and then pulled me away, I'm glad she did. This was a long time ago though…

  10. i go out with my female friends as well and i've played the designated boyfriend role. funny thing is sometimes it doesn't even have to happen in the club. it can be anywhere where i'm with a female friend. i really don't mind though. *shrugs shoulders* it is what it is.

    i remember one time this gargoyle looking broad would not take no for an answer. i told her i had a girl and she acted like that didn't matter. that was the one time i used a designated girlfriend. i was like yo my girl is in her, so thats not happening. lol

  11. You know what… reading your responses… im wondering if I should try the DT (Designated 3some). Have a female friend and tell her "when i give you the eye, just come over smile, nod, and introduce yourself" WOW! The possibilities are ENDLESS!

  12. Streetz in our line of work we always end up in these situations. I've just chalked it up as the cost of doing business.

    Might I add…. The DB can pay dividends. Everyone knows a guy with some good on his arm attracts the attention of females who want to know what he's got going on to get his arm piece. At some point she is going to let go and then when the other GRIMY or shy females come to talk to you, you can quietly tell them. "That's not my girl, I was just playing a role so she could avoid the vultures in here." You've just gotten an unfair advantage in the club. We call that HGH.

    I myself and guilty of the DG. If I have to attend an event of someone I used to talk to, or I know one of my old chicks will be there. I make sure to bring something with me so that I can give the appearance that I got something going on.

    In terms of shielding myself from crazies in the club, I don't have this problem. I'm a raging asshole most of the time and I will hurt a girl's feelings if she tries to come at me and I don't want any play. Save for a few times when I do my, Who Wants to Be A Millionaire and phone a friend. Never let good poon go to waste.

    1. Let me also say that by playing the DB you can get in trouble with your girl. If your girl's friend or associate peeps you out linked up with some chick, you best believe you will get a text message, BBM, phone call, or unexpected appearance. Make sure that's your homegirl and not some chick your GF/SO/SP doesn't know about.

  13. I've definitely used the designated boyfriend move, although one of my friends (who's played this role) prefers the phrase designated c**kblocker, and you've always got to let him know what the deal is. I mad the mistake of not informing the DB once, and the peruser came over and introduced himself w the intention of apologizing to "my man". That went all the way wrong!
    The designated girlfriend works sometimes, but sometimes the guy will just sit there hoping y'all kiss or something :-/
    Sometimes, if you can't find a save quick enough, smiling and waving random dude on the other side of the club can work as well.

  14. I hang out with a lot of guys often. I roll up to the club with a team of men (literally…they are all pro and semi pro athletes), and I have the opposite problem. They are very over protective. If a guy comes up to me, they cockblock hard as hell. While I'm in mid-conversation with a dude, they will come up and put their arm around my waist or pull me away to dance or say "Oh, you cheatin on me now?" Annoying? yes. Comical? yes. But I must say, they effectively keep lames in check and away.

    1. I love when Im talkin to a chick in the club and I see the random eyes start glaring. I can smell overprotection a mile away. Ill tell her to call off the houds before anything, or if its lookin to crazy for me, Im Swayze!

  15. OMG I do this all the time. I just apologized to my main DB lol….but he uses me too. Ladies are spiteful and jealous and will push up on whatever they assume they can't have. I've seen him bag a chick as soon as I walk away and all I can think is "that bitch" lol…tru story!

  16. Its a shame some ppl have to resort to having that DB or DG when they go out to filter out the arrogantly fuglies those of the sort. I did that 1 time, but tha dude found that to be a turn-on talkin bout "bet i can steal u from yo man" (i attract that type often for some reason even when i dont have a DB). That situation always puts ole boy in a fail-fail situation. But recently, I realized a good rejection without any hard feelings is a art! No DB needed, but it is VERY time consuming ;- D

  17. I dont think I dish out any warnings. It's not on purpose. But usually when I grab it's because I'm in dire straights and I have NO time to explain why. I need you to just…look "normal" and non… "slow"… when I do it. Confused is OK, but if you look like you're about to have a Forrest Gump moment rendering your legs un-moveable without excessive thought process and force, then FAIL… I might need a new DB that has more "get with the program" mobility.

    DBs are great…But I do agree that we can treat you a little better sometimes.

    I'll try to be better about issuing a warning. 😉

  18. How about you playing DB for your homegirl? And her ex-boyfriend shows up…

    If you've ever seen I Think I Love My Wife… when her ex-boyfriend comes home, you know what time it is…

    "Is this the new n*gga!!!??? You the new n*gga!"

    #FAIL

  19. Hahahahah I know Im guilty of this. Just about EVERY time ive gone out with male friends I've done it. Keeps the harrassment to a minimum haha. But I do tell them at the same time sooooo ….Im not that bad right?

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