Hello [Dr.J], I am a 24 yr old latina, raised in atlanta. [I love SBM and need some advice]. Ok, so ive been “dating” this guy for almost a year, we met at a bar one night and have been talking since. He has two kids, and did not have a job at that time. since we’ve met, our main portal of communication has been via text msg, and i mean EVERYDAY via text msg. [yadi yadi yada.] So anyway, we became intimate fairly quickly like after the 2nd week of knowing each other, [he told me he was feeling me] i had just got out of a relationship so i told him i wasnt ready for anything serious, [I was exclusive with him] kinda like a friends with benefits kinda thing, [I let him hit it twice or thrice a week] the dilemma started once i caught very strong feelings for him, and i wanted it to go to the next level. Well he claims he feels the same way too, and was then telln me how much he loves me and wants us to be together (all of this via text). I am very generous to people i love so every so often i might buy him some outfits, or money if he needed it, yet knowing his situation i have never asked or demanded anything in return. I recently decided to break it off with him because in almost a year of knowing him we have never so much as gone out on a date, a movie, dinner, NOTHING. [moma didn’t raise no fool, if a man wants a woman she will know] he claims he is laid back and thats not his style to “sweat” nobody. So my question is, am i stupid for believing all of the “boo boo” stuff he tried to tell me? I can honestly say i am very much in love with him and its been very difficult for me to walk away ( not to mention the sex was GREAT). [I want to believe he will change, and am unsure, I need your help.]

Dear Reader:

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Let me review my notes to make sure I have all the facts straight here: This guy has two kids, no job, doesn’t like to speak with you on the phone, and has never taken you out on a date, not even to grab some food. You met at a bar and within two weeks of talking you slept with the guy, keeping in mind he’s never taken you on a date, I’m going to say he doesn’t respect you. At most, all you can hope for is the friends with benefits category. I’m also concerned about you spending money on this guy who won’t spend money on you, but that’s neither here nor there.

If I may, I get the feeling that you are a very giving person, you are the type who likes to lead by example in relationships, and you give a lot of chances. You’ve probably been let down in the past and realize that no situation is perfect, so you’ll have to work with the cards you’re dealt. You accept situations that are unhealthy at times, knowingly. You see the good in people that no one else sees. I’d like to say that you hate to fail and are probably a water sign, but the fact that you deaded him makes me unsure if I can draw that conclusion without further information. (GENTLEMAN: This is the type of girl you actually want to be with, if some of you have not been paying attention. Also note, how a few bad apples spoils the bunch, I really hate when bad men mess up good women.)

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With that said, I’m confused as to why you LOVE this guy. I think that you have conceptualized this situation in your mind and created some type of “situation” out of nothing. I think that you have something we like to call “Faith.” “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1) And it can be a dangerous illness. He has given you no reason to feel that strongly for him, or to believe that anything is ever going to change. We are in command of our own love life, if there is something that you want that you aren’t getting you have the right to ask for it. If you ask for it and don’t get it, then you should walk away. I can tell you from experience that if after a year this man is not sure what he wants, then he’s probably never going to change his mind.

I’m a big fan of Doc Love on AskMen.com, let me share something with you that he preaches all the time. It’s about interest levels. When deciding whether to stay in a situation think about the interest levels of the parties involved. I’m pretty sure that you’re interest level is at 90, but his is probably closer to 25. I may be wrong, but I encourage you to do this assessment for yourself. If there is a great disparity between the two numbers, I’d recommend dropping the guy. In my humble opinion, you’ve done everything you can but cut the guy off and let him see what he’s missing.

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Best of Luck Love,
Dr. J