Hello [Dr.J], I am a 24 yr old latina, raised in atlanta. [I love SBM and need some advice]. Ok, so ive been “dating” this guy for almost a year, we met at a bar one night and have been talking since. He has two kids, and did not have a job at that time. since we’ve met, our main portal of communication has been via text msg, and i mean EVERYDAY via text msg. [yadi yadi yada.] So anyway, we became intimate fairly quickly like after the 2nd week of knowing each other, [he told me he was feeling me] i had just got out of a relationship so i told him i wasnt ready for anything serious, [I was exclusive with him] kinda like a friends with benefits kinda thing, [I let him hit it twice or thrice a week] the dilemma started once i caught very strong feelings for him, and i wanted it to go to the next level. Well he claims he feels the same way too, and was then telln me how much he loves me and wants us to be together (all of this via text). I am very generous to people i love so every so often i might buy him some outfits, or money if he needed it, yet knowing his situation i have never asked or demanded anything in return. I recently decided to break it off with him because in almost a year of knowing him we have never so much as gone out on a date, a movie, dinner, NOTHING. [moma didn’t raise no fool, if a man wants a woman she will know] he claims he is laid back and thats not his style to “sweat” nobody. So my question is, am i stupid for believing all of the “boo boo” stuff he tried to tell me? I can honestly say i am very much in love with him and its been very difficult for me to walk away ( not to mention the sex was GREAT). [I want to believe he will change, and am unsure, I need your help.]
Let me review my notes to make sure I have all the facts straight here: This guy has two kids, no job, doesn’t like to speak with you on the phone, and has never taken you out on a date, not even to grab some food. You met at a bar and within two weeks of talking you slept with the guy, keeping in mind he’s never taken you on a date, I’m going to say he doesn’t respect you. At most, all you can hope for is the friends with benefits category. I’m also concerned about you spending money on this guy who won’t spend money on you, but that’s neither here nor there.
If I may, I get the feeling that you are a very giving person, you are the type who likes to lead by example in relationships, and you give a lot of chances. You’ve probably been let down in the past and realize that no situation is perfect, so you’ll have to work with the cards you’re dealt. You accept situations that are unhealthy at times, knowingly. You see the good in people that no one else sees. I’d like to say that you hate to fail and are probably a water sign, but the fact that you deaded him makes me unsure if I can draw that conclusion without further information. (GENTLEMAN: This is the type of girl you actually want to be with, if some of you have not been paying attention. Also note, how a few bad apples spoils the bunch, I really hate when bad men mess up good women.)
With that said, I’m confused as to why you LOVE this guy. I think that you have conceptualized this situation in your mind and created some type of “situation” out of nothing. I think that you have something we like to call “Faith.” “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1) And it can be a dangerous illness. He has given you no reason to feel that strongly for him, or to believe that anything is ever going to change. We are in command of our own love life, if there is something that you want that you aren’t getting you have the right to ask for it. If you ask for it and don’t get it, then you should walk away. I can tell you from experience that if after a year this man is not sure what he wants, then he’s probably never going to change his mind.
I’m a big fan of Doc Love on AskMen.com, let me share something with you that he preaches all the time. It’s about interest levels. When deciding whether to stay in a situation think about the interest levels of the parties involved. I’m pretty sure that you’re interest level is at 90, but his is probably closer to 25. I may be wrong, but I encourage you to do this assessment for yourself. If there is a great disparity between the two numbers, I’d recommend dropping the guy. In my humble opinion, you’ve done everything you can but cut the guy off and let him see what he’s missing.
Best of Luck Love,
You were VERY nice to her. I like that. You got your point across to her without actually saying she is "dumb as a box of rocks". And it's true… bad men mess up good women. Women always try to work with the unworkable. With age, comes wisdom (most of the time)
J asked the question I was thinking – WHY are you in love with this guy? Furthermore, why did it take a year for you to walk away? I would've left skidmarks a month in, but that's just me.
I agree with Joy….you were incredibly nice. Mama didn't raise no fool? Well apparently she did…this is so backwards to….Rather than waiting to see whether his actions and treatment were worthy of all your precious gifts-you gave up the goods, f*cked around and fell in love, and now you're expecting him to treat you like anything but a J/O or suga mama? Dr. J said it, he doesn't respect you, and you need to run…far.
I agree with all the comments thus far…I think you really need to evaluate why you are willing to even give someone like that a chance. I've been there (picking loser men), and hope you get to the point where you can start picking a man who is deserving of your affection.
He's not that into you. He may like having sex with you and the things you buy him, but it probably stops there. So he may come around after you decide not to deal with him, but I can almost guarantee you it will be the same old nonsense.
Of course he loves her, She's buying him stuff and letting him hit.
If dude can't even talk to you on the phone, I would question this entire situation.
Yea girl. Dead that shit. NOW.
Great advice Dr J.. Appreciating how you broke it down to her without being mean. Kudos to you.
Dear Reader…he won't change, he doesn't have to, you haven't made it a requirement for him to do so. Best thing you can do is change yourself and KIM, appreciate yourself and then let someone appreciate you. Good Luck.
(*sidenote* What happened to my RSS feed..it still stuck on yesterday's post…)
Thanks for noticing that. Whenever, i'm actually trying to give real advice, I do my best to cut the sarcasm or asshole'ness.
I ain't saying but I'm just sayin–why do women get stuck here–at this same point?? Chica you saw the red exit sign, it's okay to walk through the door. He is taking your kindness as your weakness. Don't let him gas you up and feed you crumbs. You deserve better!
"I ain’t saying but I’m just sayin–why do women get stuck here–at this same point?? "…Glad a woman is saying this…
Its 2009 the damsel in distress went the way of the word processors-ladies need to get rid of this "woa is me" after playing themselves-aint no guarantee in casual sex-you roll you crap out you move on.
I look at this as another women getting caught up with her ego-we or anyone can spin it "she sees the good in ppl"-who doesnt? Ask anyone that has been in one-sided affair they assumed the person that did them wrong wasnt a jerk upon getting involved. I say its her ego cause what else made her think he should hit it 2 or 3 times a week without even working for it? Maybe he'd change after he some of her "special stuff"…whatever I cant feel sorry for shorty at all-she grown and made a dumb choice-garbage in garbage out. Neither of these two love or even respect each other the best they should of done was hit then split. BTW the dude ego is a big as Asia-no job-two seeds still gotta shorty buying him stuff and giving it up twice a week-son got his mini pimp thing going real hard, she tried to compete and her ego got crushed.
Relying on only text messaging would've been my first MAJOR read flag. I did the whole…yea let's just text tip and it's no bueno. I mean think about it…if you're never talking to him or physically with him…how many other women is he doing this to or really spending time with? And the fact that he did NOTHING for you but dick u down tells a lot. Yea he may not have had any money, but there should have been other ways that he could've showed you that he cared with his time, attention, and activities that don't cost a lot of or any money (other than sex). He was clearly running game and an @$$hole at that. Run and don't look back! Like Dr. J and everyone else has said…he doesn't have any type of respect for you…otherwise he wouldn't have treated you the way he did. It's a tough lesson to learn but I'm sure you've learned a valuable lesson! We've all been there at some point….
YES! I feel as though a whole post needs to be written on the whole "texting only" phenomenon (if it hasnt already). Texting should never be a man's primary form of communication. And much less, texting to set up a booty call. That is not the definition of "dating".
i agree with what of what has been said. but one thing that really.. makes me laugh.. is when people say things like "when bad men mess up good women"
any woman that lets a man "mess her up" was weak to begin with. as the chinese would say, flies never visit an egg with no cracks.
shit happens to everybody, get over it. if anybody finds themselves having residual problems from their last relationship (aka, being 'messed up')… you're still allowing what happened to you to affect you in a negative way— what was the point of leaving?
Ok, my first thought was that you made this woman's letter up. I mean really – a year?? A whole year?? Staying "exclusive" with a man who'se never taken you out and won't talk on the phone? WDDDA?? I guess you have to learn at your own pace, but hopefully she is done with that fiasco and is willing to move on. We've all been there, but a year of self-imprisonment to someone who only sees you to have sex is ridiculous.
Anna you test our love/hate relationship all the time. I can't believe you would think I would make this up. I have other blogs I been waiting to drop.
In other news, I think that we have all been in situations before, far too long, that made no sense at all. I give her a little leeway.
I don't understand loving someone who won't even pick up the phone to call you. Text messaging and all this technology has made ninjas lazy. and women allow it. smh.
"and women allow it."
Yes they do. Yes they do. This goes both ways though, there are several things that women do and men allow it. So there's no real double standard there.
and this just made me think of a blog I wrote the other day quoting the wonderful words of Slim Thug "I don't take em out to eat, I aint here to trick or treat, I aint heard of that!" LMAO.
but seriously, when people show you who they are, believe them.
"when people show you who they are, believe them."
That is awesome!
I appreciate the kindness of your response. Issues of the heart are extremely sensitive and folks should be mindful of their criticisms. We have all been in situations where we do the dumbest things for someone we care about. Being a water sign I hate to fail as stated above, so when a relationship goes south its extremely hard for me because I know I gave a substantial amount of effort. At the end of the day it comes down to respect. And if dude can't even put up for some take out after eating up yo' groceries, drinkin yo' juice, wiping his ass with yo' toilet paper etc. then I say he does NOT respect you. All in all she already knows what she needs to do, she just needed some fuel.
agreed with all comments above. the common trend is for people (men AND women) to engage in a "friends with benefits" deal, THINKING, not KNOWING, that they are cut out for that type of deal. it's FINE if you're not about that. i'd rather you be fully aware of what you can and cannot deal with romantically, than to keep trying shit out and failing, or doing it because you feel as though you SHOULD be able to. bs. dont f*ck casually if you ain't a casual f*cker. do you, in your monogamous relationship way!
it's true, a FwB situation CAN work out, and CAN be done successfully, but only in a time limited capacity. once those stronger feelings come on, (or, once you don't wanna do it anymore) you MUST speak up, regardless of consequence. or else risk being like this delusional "mama didn't raise no fool" type…
and i won't say that he doesn't respect her, or that she doesn't deserve respect, cuz all of that can be VERY subjective; HOWEVER, she needs to be more realistic and understand and that if you don't COMMAND something from jump through your presence, words and actions, then it makes it that much harder (and damn near impossible) for it to just "happen naturally" or gradually move toward what you've wanted all along….say what you mean, mean what you say. and for you, reader, that may mean saying "I'm not ya digital girl…" (which you have been, but you're allowed to change your mind!)
This is sooo true, MisEducation. I have very mixed feelings towards this FWB situation, because I was in one for around 3months and realized that I wanted more with this man ( who is a black man by the way, and am Asian myself). And the "relationship" with him has made me realized how much I did not understand men and myself sexually or romantically. So I kind of taking this experience as a learning and self-grow opportunity to start rolling up my sleeves and read all about dating psychology and improving my self-esteem.
As soon as my strong feeling to the guy came up, I went to him and basically confessed to him my feeling, and we were like classmates and we still are, so it was not like we started as strangers.But of course he said he does not want anything serious and he also DID tell me that he was not prepared to enter a relationship before we got intimated. And that was in July last year.
And I am still recovering from the aftershock of this oxtoycin and I still have feeling for him altho I have cut all contacts with him, and we only saw each other no more than 5 times in the past 7 months and I am trying to move on with my life like dating other men, but because I was in that situation, I knew how powerful this oxtoycin is and I have made conscious decision that I will never get physical with a man unless we are in a committed relationship.
My experience with this man really taught me things that I was not aware of and how male psyche works, I hope one day I will meet someone worth all my emotion and efforts.. haha 😛
Man you should've let her have it. She wore her heart on her sleeve for someone she let hit thrice a week and never went out? She's a JO who wants to believe there is some love there…
She stupid…end of story…
Ok is there an epidemic going on?? What is it with guys wanting to only communicate via text? They are all sorts of "witty and clever" via text. But on the phone…Nothing but crickets…
Anyways, Dr. J, you gave her great advice. I think that she was seeking some sort of love or emotional connection after her last relationship. Thats why its important to give yourself enough time to heal…You might just end up with some jackass like this dude if you dont…
Apparently momma DID raise a fool.
For ONE YEAR, you let him "hit it" thrice weekly, you accepted texts as your only means of communication, you bought him gifts and gave him cash and he never once took you out on a date? For a year? Really?
Honey, walk away and keep this part of your life a secret. Don't share this story with anyone ever again. Otherwise people will think you are a fool and will be trying to get over on you (just like this guy did for A YEAR).
THats my whole thing!
I would like to know if dude led her on in any way or sold her a dream. If you NEVER spoke to dude on the phone, you should've known what it is.. She fell in love with the long Stroke [||] not him. Period. I refuse to believe his textual intercourse with her was so good that he had chicks loving him… without ANY phone bonin? Please
Doc, chuuuch and synagogue to this!
I think you may be overestimating the mind. The mind is very intricate in that it can believe what it wants to believe. Remember what I quoted from the Good Lord about faith.
1. Sweet Baby Jesus in a car seat! Has this chick not been reading this site for more than three weeks?? We've laid this out several times. Has she not been paying attention. Bottom line: she's dumb. Has she been to his home?? Probably not. Mainly because he lives with his wife/girlfriend. Or if she has been to a house, has she seen any mail?? Cus dudes will take chicks like her to their boy's house or cousin's house.
2. You can screw over my time but I'll be damned five times over if you mess with my $$.
3. You had chex with a dude with no job?? Are times that tuff in the ATL?? Either you had chex with an ambition-less bum or a liar. Either way, joke on you.
4. If you want to know how a man sees you, wait. If he wants to be the boyfriend he will act like it. If he wants to hit at will, he will act like it.
5. What the hell does being a latina have to do with the price of water at the strip club?? Seriously??
6. You don't love him. You want him to provide you with validation that you haven't been doing a year of stupid stuff. He's not going to give it to you. Move along.
This whole comment is da truff. Especially #2, lol.
"Sweet Baby Jesus in a car seat"
LMAO. I must start using this immediately.
Feel free to put him anywhere. Sometimes I put him in a highchair, other times a Bjorn. It is fun to imagine.
"You want him to provide you with validation that you haven't been doing a year of stupid stuff." I'mm lovin it! Well said!!!
she got played. he probably still deals with his baby momma. she buying him shit and all that and he's never taken her out ever or calls her. i'm sorry you said momma didn't raise no fool but you definitely got fooled here. a whole year before you woke up and smelled the coffee. smh.
The funny thing about this post is that I can think of about 3 girls off the top of my head who have been in this situation for 3, 6, and 7 years. They find any old type of way to say the dude is into them.
it took you a whole year what most would have taken a couple weeks at most to realize.
i feel bad for this girl. lonely can be a powerful emotion. add to it desperation and you can find yourself in a bad situation quick. she knew what was going on was fucked up but she wasn't meeting anyone else so she dealt with what she had. now she needs to get over that she was played and work to never be in that situation again.
THANK YOU PRETTYSMART!! This dude is clearly either married or booed up. Either way, his $$ is "family $$" and he can't spend on her for fear of getting busted. This is a sad story. She is doing Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much. IF she "broke up" with him, he probably wouldn't even blink.
Dr. J you were very nice and honest!! Great post, but my porblem is(and I'm almost always urked when a girlfriend succombs to this) Why do some women think good dick is the end all be all?? Since when did your value lie in your vagina?? If you took that vagina out of the game and demanded respect from the door homeboy may have straightened up or rolled out! Either way it would have done you some good. Ladies! You can get good sex anywhere! When are we going to focus on building relationships!
Sweetie, you're 24, like me, and I have friends in a similar situation. Move on hun. I see too many women our age dying to be tied down and end up hitching their wagon to a train headed for nowhere. There are too many worthy men out there to be trailing this loser.
Oh, and I get that you're a giving person but let me emphasize that you NEVER EVER EVER give a man Money. Never. For nothing. He's a grown man and should be able to handle his responsibilities. Its not your job to provide him with the funds to support his kids, pay his rent, or cop them new J's. Its one thing to buy him gifts (as long as youre getting gifts in return) but dude should be ashamed even to take cash from you.
I couldn't finish reading this… damn. why DOES she love this guy? please tell me you made this story up
The sad part is how many women (and men, for that matter) who are in this situation. Although I think for men the situation is slightly different, this is a depressing way to get attention. I'd rather be by myself than, well, be by myself with a fairy tale relationship that has been concocted in my head.
News flash…he does not love you. In fact, he does not even like you. He sounds like a narcissist, they're not capable of caring about anyone but themselves.
Cut your loses, change your number, and move on.
Let me begin by saying, Dr. J. You were on point to not call her out by saying she wasn't smart and all that shyte. May I also add that a lot of the comments aren't that kind, yeah what she did was not smart, a whole year before you realize that this situation was not healthy is a bit long. The thing is people make mistakes, I don't know her from eve but she believed that what they had was tangible but it was obviously not. It's one thing if it is a friends w/ benefits arrangement, but as soon as you sense your heart is getting in the mix, it's time to pick up your barley bungle and leave. What I find is very important is to recognize that a FwB arrangement is never going to lead to marriage, so don't expect it to and leave yourself open to meeting someone else who is soul mate material.
That's my 2 cents.
Interesting the level of self rightousness from the responders. Of course no one has ever been in this situation before. 🙁 Thumbs down fam, yall are lying. At least this woman had the courage to raise the issue. And DJ had the gentlemanliness to give her advice without belittling her choices.