Today, SBM fam, I speak to you about one type of dating paradox that occurs with men and women. It’s happened to me, and after reading this blog, you may determine that it’s happened to you also. I refer to this paradox as the Magneto complex. Why Magneto you ask? Its simple: I’m a comic geek It occurs when you lose to ex men (you see what I did right there?). In other words, The Magneto Complex happens when you date/wife someone and they end up going back to their ex. When this happened to me, I wondered whether or not I did something wrong or I was too naive to see the signs. After speaking with other masters of magnetism, I realize these situations occur for many reasons:
The Ex may never be 100% out the picture – When you’re in a relationship, it’s natural for friendship circles to intermingle. Families can get familiar with your significant other. You can live in the same city, work at the same job, or frequent the same afterwork events. So when the relationship ends, you’re ex may not be completely out of your life. With the advent of 21st century technology (Facebook, Twitter, MMS, BBM, Google Talk GChat, etc.), staying “connected” is effortless. So with all these factors, an ex hoping to reconcile can and will find a way to contact your love interest. You may never hear about this ex as an issue, but do believe that behind the scenes he or she may speak to them consistently whether the break up was good or bad, and that leaves the door open for trouble.
Still Friends with the ex – Many break-ups are mutual decisions to part ways. No nasty arguments or shocking revelations occur, two people just realize they grew apart and need to separate. They see no reason why they shouldn’t remain friends. Now if you subscribe to the philosophy that men and women cannot be platonic friends ever, then this should raise a red flag. I say this should alarm you regardless. You need to find out the extent of the relationship, how serious, and the nature of their friendship before deciding to wife anyone. I would be leery about a woman who’s friends with a man who 6 months ago proposed. At the same time, if they dated 5-6 years ago, I may be less inclined to suspect anything, but I’ll still keep my eyes open.
Too Soon – When you meet someone, it takes time to find out completely about their background and prior situations unless you’re in a frat where you have a countrywide network of spies. So the man/woman you date may tell you that no one else is in the picture, when in essence they’re lying to themselves and you. Sometimes, we never truly know if we are over an ex until we see them again, or until an undetermined amount of time since the breakup elapsed. You have to make sure that they are over it, or at least over it enough that the advances of an ex won’t hinder your progress. Ultimately, only that person knows how they feel, and hopefully they remain truthful to themselves and you.
You’re being used – Sorry to break it to you, but a lot of men and women use the prospect of a potential “new lover” to light a fire under your ass to get serious about the relationship. It’s happened to me and probably about everyone else reading this blog (whether you know it or not). It truly sucks, because you may have feelings for this person, while they use you as a relationship litmus test with their ex/purgatorial significant other. If they continue to ask you about the status of your relationship, or they frequently go back to their ex to “see if the spark is still there” then do like Ghostface says:
[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kj2-rw8HeF8]
It’s you – Maybe the ex will do things you won’t (both positive and negative). Maybe you neglected your significant other/ person you’re dating for a hot second and that’s all they needed to flip flop worse than John Kerry. Maybe you attract people who have internal issues are naturally grimy, or who love to have their cake and eat it too. Some level of self examination is necessary if these situations occur often.
The Oh Shyt Effect – Here’s the scenario (No ATCQ): You meet someone whom you’re feeling. You take them out on a few dates, chill, have incredible s*x a great time together. Their ex, whom they broke up with a few weeks/months earlier, finds out that their former lover is humping around seeing someone else. So from that point forward, they channel their inner Rick Pitino/ Mike Kryzyzewski and apply the full court press on their ex. They call/text/email. They arrive at their house to cop please. They send flowers, candy, and other gifts. They basically want to invoke the Notorious B.I.G. exemption clause in their contract (Gimme one more chance Biggie Biggie Gimme one more chance, baby baby). If they still have feelings for their ex, sympathy, or curiosity, then it’s only a matter of time before they commit a turnover and you’re left holding the bag. Beware of the rebound, because that’s just another one of 6000+ reasons why being Dennis Rodman may help you, but just isn’t so cool.
Keep your eyes open, and don’t become a statistic of inner ex rivalries and unresolved issues. SBM community, did I miss anything? Are these descriptions not accurate? Is there truly a way to avoid these situations?
This is a very interesting post because I am in this exact situation. I'm kind of digging this new dude, but I'm madly in love with an ex who is still very much in the picture. The new dude recently asked me what I would do if the ex wanted to get back in, I had to be honest and say I really don't know. Naturally, I want to see what can come of new dude, but I really want to be with the ex! Here is the sticky part, the ex is coming to town this weekend and is staying with me and new dude wants to come to town as well. I really want to kick it with new dude, just to see if there is really anything there but the ex is gonna be here. I could hold the ex off for a few days and let new dude come up but that seems kind of scummy. Oh what is a girl to do?
Hold off on the new guy, because he could get hurt… If you are supposed to be the with ex, then it will happen, but in the meantime, just be by yourself, so you can see what's meant for you clearly.
I salute you. If you are dating there is nothing wrong with keeping your options open.
Until a commitment is mad you owe nothing to either of these dudes….
let one earn his stripes while the other one figures out if he wants you.
You wanna make the right decision, more likely that comes from taking your time instead of rushing to cut the new guy off. From your avatar (which is kind small) you are cute. You got choices. Don't limit yourself.
I had an ex that I could have gone and tried to stop from moving on. A female freind said I should drive 8 hours to see her sweep her off her feet and reclaim my territory. Than my boy Cali D slap me across my face. "CHeeKZ if you have to do that for a girl, she aint worth it". I made the right decision, my next gf turned into my last.
Make sure you let new dude know whats up. You aint commited to him so you aren't wrong YET! If you try to play both sides he'll get hurt and you'll look super shady. If you want to hang with the ex, don't tell the new dude to come thru that same weekend!! Clearly you need to see what's up with the ex. I would say don't get too involved with new dude or keep it 100 with him so he knows what he's dealing with and doesn't fall for you over some nonsense.
Thanks for sharing and good luck!
Keep it 100! I was just talking to new dude about this…you know making sure we were both clear that there is no commitment…yet!
Streetzie, I loves you, but I so wanna ban you from using the strikethrough!
I've always been the type that once a man became my ex, I was done done done. No being friends, no calling me to "see how I'm doing" (which is really just a ploy to see if he can still get in), no hanging out with your family, nothing. Its just too confusing.
hmmm, i had that same thought. my most recent ex, left me when things got rough for his ex, then i got back with my ex 'cause sh*t that seemed like the cool thing to do. but he still wants to be friends and all i can think is "hell no!". i want so much to say, to hell with him and his not so-so new chick but dont want to risk looking like a jerk/hater. i just take it all in small doses. him, her and the whole nine.
You guys actually remind me on an Anti-Ex post that I may resurrect soon…hmmm
You love the way I strikethrough girl stop it!
I'mma put you on strikethrough timeout!
You should do the Anti-Ex piece..or better yet, let me co-write it with you.
I have one already written up. Im thinking of whether or not im gona drop it next week or in 2 weeks. becaus the one next week is a doosy…lol
this is a very funny post but serious at the same time. Each relationship we enter is a risk we have to take. Hopefully it'll work out the way we want and if it doesn't…….o well shii happens- we all (most people) get over it. The power of an ex. I always ask guys if they have an ex actively wanting to get back with them or vice versa. I dont do competition.
I have two instances of this occuring recently. I believe it occurs more commonly with females going back to an ex than males. My intial thought when this occurs is 1. why the hell did you waste my time and 2. Don't hit me up when it doesnt work out…again. Going back to your ex when the new person hasn't even had a fair chance limits your potential to move forward and achieve better than the past. I beieve that if it didn't work once, chances are whatever wasn't working is still broekn. In most cases, I think people prefer the known of their ex compared to the unknown of any new prospects.
In the last instance of this happening, the female in question went on a couples vacation with her ex and a couple that they were friends with. She still insists that this was nothing and they were just friends, obviously that wasn't the case.
"In the last instance of this happening, the female in question went on a couples vacation with her ex and a couple that they were friends with. She still insists that this was nothing and they were just friends, obviously that wasn’t the case.'
yeah something like this would raise my level of suspicion.
I told Reecie of this similar occurrence with me once, and she roasted me like a good friend should. lmao. Mind you, I was fully aware of the swindle and promptly cut chick off.
Note to the SBM fam: If someone you're dating lives with their ex…. yeah it's not gonna work out, unless u just hittin it,lol
I believe it occurs more commonly with females going back to an ex than males.
How is this possible? For every woman that goes back with an ex, isn't there automatically a man who is doing the same thing?
That song took me back.. had me hype at work for a minute. lol
Okay back to the matter at hand.. the descriptions were on point. My only way to avoid these situations is to not date a guy who was in a relationship over a year less than six months after meeting me.
Good rule. I'm going to start bringing questionnaires to dates, lol.
Are you currently having sexual intercourse with a former lover? If yes, please leave. If no, proceed to question #2. If yes and shes a woman, please accept my hand in marriage.
lmao… As crazy as it seems, verbally (asking the questions verbally though), it's a good idea… you've got to protect yourself and your heart. 😉
THank u eyes…lol
My ex told me I did that to him, but I didnt see that until I read this. We were together for 2years and he said he wanted to have kids and all, but my ex boyfriend (also first love) came back into the picture and the current dude at the time didnt stand a chance. I like all of your reasons, but I think in my situation my first love is in a caliber of his own to me. Have you ever had that one person you will stop what ever your doing for? Regardless of the time apart when you get back with them its like you never missed a second.
First loves are another animal entirely. Wow. lol
I am in this situation now actually. I just met this guy this past weekend and of course we had cake time over the phone on Monday. Needless to say, for a good 20 minutes he talked about his ex-gf. I know the ins and outs of their relationship: How they got together, how they broke up unexpectedly, how their mothers still have a close relationship and want them to get back together, and how other guys use to be jealous of him because he was dating her (yes…he really said that to me.) They broke up two years ago and they no longer stay in touch but he is clearly still holding a torch for her. (Even though when i asked him if he still had feelings for her, he said no…ninja please!) He has a serious "Case of the Ex," and I'm not even trying to compete with that.
I feel you. He definitely still loves her. Avoid Avoid Avoid. lmao
RUNNNNNNNNNN.
LMAO!! Listen to Tony Starks!!
LOL! Yea i'm through! I'm going to let him know…no sense in dragging this out!
Not before you let him hit again right? lol smh!
Negative! lol i just met the man Friday!
You missed something that I would like to call the zone blitz. It is very similar to the "Oh Shyt Effect" in that the ex is beginning to try to get back at you. Except in this scenario, the ex is being careful not to make their advances overt. Positioning themselves in a way that could be taken as them coming on to you but if you call them on their shyt they can say that they wasnt hollering. Its like a blitz that you dont see coming
Thats the delayed blitz, lmaoo
Shorty ran the Ravens safety Blitz on you?!
Woosah….
Wow, this is so funny because me and my current s/o just went thru this. We were dating for about 2 years, then we broke up but kept those lines of communication open. We both moved on (kinda sorta) but were still seeing each other a little too often, family functions (he is very close with them). Long story short I kept comparing the new dude to him, we broke up n now me n the ex are back 2gthr. Crazy.
good post! I like it because its so honest and true. I'm cordial with most of my exes, but because of proximity and just the nature of our lives we don't really communicate often. I'm just not that interested in their day to day lives–but if something is going on of specific interest to them or me, we might hit each other up. You have to be able to gauge the level of suspicion. I can admit its my nature to be suspicious and I put a lot of things in my "mental rolodex" but I consider my own behavior to be innocent–because I know my intentions, obviously. Also, I understand that just because I'm on the up and up, the ex may not be. But most recent exes I do keep distance from because I know how it may LOOK. anybody else if its been 5+ years since we've stopped dating/boning/etc, I say you really have no reason to be alarmed. only speaking for me though…
Because I know you, I know you're good with that. Other women love the attention and fall into the trap. smh
i don't really have an concrete evidence but i suspect that one of my exes was creeping with her ex-boyfriend at the time. i called her on it and of course she denied it but what's done in the dark will always come to light. i think in my situation is was a mix between "The Ex may never be 100% out the picture" and "Still Friends with the ex"
HAHAHA I love this post. I am also frowning! My ex proposed to me a couple years ago… we are great friends! But I don't think the guy I'm talking to now or anyone else should be concerned. Why can't exes be friends!? clearly i saw something in him that attracted me to him in a friendship capacity. That just doesn't evaporate in a break-up – well not a tragic one.
#noshots Nercelo, but I'd avoid you like H1N1. He proposed and yall are great friends? Is he gay now or something? Because unless his name is Will, I wouldn't deal with you. It's just a red flag to me.
Ugh, SBM, why must you always spy on my life??? I'm going thru this EXACT problem right now, only I didn't actually go back to the ex, but got caught up in one drunken for-old-times-sake rendezvous where I very quickly realized that the feelings weren't there anymore, only too bad cuz I ended up hurting the person I really DO want to be with (and who is currently not speaking to me). Maybe it's my zodiac sign (Cancer) but in my situation I think it was a Flashback Factor…… it wasn't so much about my feelings for ex dude NOW, it was remembering what they were THEN (assisted by very bad judgment due to alcohol).
So my question is….. is there any hope for forgiveness? I've been trying SO hard to convince him that it was a mistake and I do not want ex dude AT ALL (and I have blocked him from all the convenient forms of communication). Just wondering if anyone else ever got dissed for the ex and forgave their boo when he/she was just chasing a long gone memory.
**shaq face**
I wouldn't forgive you.
Just being honest.
This situation happened to me. I was the dude thats shading you. If anyone on here knows my reactions to gettin played as he got played….well let's just say "you aint got no wins in mi casa!'
I wouldnt trust you, would forgive but wouldn't forget, would respect your honesty but assume you did it more than once and then I'd Jay-Z/Swizz you
On to the next one!
All you can do is be truthful and let your actions speak where your words fall deaf. Hopefully (for your sake) dude sees that in you and yall can reconcile.
If he asks me what he should do about you…. well just hope he doesnt. lol
no shots and not judgin just speakin from experience
I'm with CheekZ and Streetz… it'd be on to the next… I'd forgive you for the sake of my own blessings, but I don't think I'd be able to trust you again, therefore we couldn't be together.
Oh hell no! I guess if it was a mistake, fine…but just move on from dude cuz he will never really forget about that incident.
I have a hard time believing anyone when they mention alcohol. That's a convenient excuse and lends some plausible deniability.
Besides once burnt twice shy.
I don't really think there's anyway to avoid this phenomenon other than to keep your eyes open and be aware. Chicks talking to their recent ex's or recent thronx buddies/FwB can quickly land you on the outside looking in. I dated a chick, broke up with her, and then within a few weeks she back hollering at her previous ex. Grrrr. I need to write a post about her when this e-break is over.
Good article number! I often tell friends that are dating someone straight out of a relationship to fall back for a minute, because that seems to happen alot! Love the term Magneto Complex…..lol need to wiki that!
Son im about to Patent that mf!! I gotta holla at Stan Lee though, lmao
@ Slim – Son you don't even know…. When you see my next blog you'll know why I'm not always 100% about my past. lmao
I'll just say if I had a dollar for everytime I saw that….smh
Good post! As a fellow comic book geek LOVE the title/theme lol. I've DEF been in this situation b4, jumped into a relationship when I knew good and well I wasnt over the last dude (lesson learned). I honestly think everything comes down to moving on too soon and trying to replace the old feeling with a new face…
IF YOURE DRUNK CUZ YOU HAVE PATRON IN YOUR SYSTEM, DRINKING JOSE CUERVO ISNT GOING TO CURE YOUR HANGOVER! (lol)
DRUNKMONKEY I definitely agree with you. Folks gotta fall back and really take some time off being SINGLE before even considering moving on to the next.
Moving on to another person, ultimately, cannot/doesnt remove strong feelings that are still there
This is such a touchy situation because as a dude you do EVERYTHING in your power not to be accused as being, possesive, jealous, or overprotective. (This is actually a trick pulled by women so they can have more leverage and freedom, than the Department of Homeland Security) So you try and keep an eye on that ex, but you manliness won't allow you to check the girl too much on signs that lead to something going on.
I think a dude is not an ex until he's completely out of the picture, but don't be fooled by some confessions on this. Most of you negros know that you will not be honest with the new guy/girl. So cut the ish. If you want to know if a girl is over her ex, you need to be very observant, get the complete CARFAX and driving history. Why did she decide to sell that car, or did she total it?
If you are concerned about moving on, you cannot be friends with your ex while you try and find new love. My advice, when you broke up you said, I hope we can be friends. Well, once you have reached a new relationship, and you are satisfied in that relationship. Then maybe you can continue being friends. But you can't hope to continue in the progression of a friendship with an ex, and ever think someone else will ever be as close to you.
Lastly, the ex can only put the full court press on if the shorty allows it. You can tell real quick if she still has feelings for dude, or if she used to date crazy negros in which case you need to reassess what she thinks of you. If she's saying he's been calling and trying to hang out more. What she should be like is, stop calling and I don't want to hang out with you. Please move on with your life. And after a while he'll give up if she is consistent and solid. (She does not have to be rude.)
I've been caught in this complex, although i'll say i've never had a girl who dumped me for her ex. I might have been seeing someone or talking to them seriously. I also have been that ex, but at the end of the day, I got dumped the first time, and then later on she realized later, [cue snaps], he couldn't do it like me.
Streetz already knows that i'm hoping on this instrumental for a post on how I end up hosting a new episode of Charm School every year. I meet a chick in need of reform, I fix her up real nice, and then send her on, and she has a great life ahead of herself.
Good post.
I appreciate the honest opinions & all, but I'm really looking for the perspectives of people who have BEEN in that situation. Speculation & theory is nice, but it often doesn't match up with reality. Love plays by an entirely foreign set of rules.
Are you looking for people in your position or people who've been in the situation because real talk I know what dude is thinking because I was him! lol. That can help you
i been on all sides of this…
i got left for an ex
i had an ex i still had feelings for even though i had a 2 year relationship with another person in the mean time…(me & that ex hooked back up, didn't work out)
& most recently i've been in the position of choosing btwn an ex with problems and a promising new guy… i relate to the "i was drunk and we hooked up but it meant nothing" situation. i didn't do it but only b/c of willpower…honestly i think actions speak louder than words…what you say isn't gonna matter as much as what you did. but if he's still open & you can give him some space/time to think then what you do in the future will matter more than a night's indiscretion.
on the flip side trust is so much harder to win back once you've lost it, than it is to maintain when you already have it…sex with another person is a deal-breaker for a lot of people so if he can't forgive you then it's understandable and it wasn't meant to be…better for him to admit that he can't trust you then to try to force it and then he does something hurtful to you in return.
Do you remember in Love Jones when she dumped dude and went back to her ex? That just ended horribly!
Anesidora – Are you in a relationship with the new dude or are you just kicking it? If you're in a relationship, I don't think he is going to ever really forgive you. He might at like he has but he'll never trust you.
If you're just kicking it, I can see how he would be hurt; but the reality is that he has no claims on you.
You should just give him some space and if he comes back then you're golden. If he doesn't you can't really blame him. You know men are very territorial and it's hard for them to get over their woman getting with another man.
OK yall I got this comment on my facebook page. Tell me what you think
I don't think that your article is 100% correct and I feel that its written on bias terms based on situations and stories that may have been told to you by others. (which are always one sided) Anyhow, it is true that Ex's don't always remain Ex's but they became an EX for a reason…whether it is lying, cheating, deceit, not working…whatever! … Something had to happen to make that person leave. Or it could have been an amicable split because the time was not right. If the couple decides to test the waters of another ocean or fix whatever problems they may be having….you or any other person that they are dating could fall into that meantime category… Meaning they are dealing with you, IN THE MEANTIME, until they get themselves together. You have to make that decision from the door as to whether your in the meantime or you are running for the long haul…because if you are running for the long haul and you do your job (whether man or female) you leave no room for the Ex to resurface!!!
"If the couple decides to test the waters of another ocean or fix whatever problems they may be having….you or any other person that they are dating could fall into that meantime category… Meaning they are dealing with you, IN THE MEANTIME, until they get themselves together.You have to make that decision from the door as to whether your in the meantime or you are running for the long haul…because if you are running for the long haul and you do your job (whether man or female) you leave no room for the Ex to resurface!!!"
This is bullish. Plain and simple. It seems like the person who wrote this comment on my wall is cosigning this type of behavior. To me, if someone has their ex on their mind, whether or not you're in it for the long haul has no bearing. otherwise there would be no such thing as a "rebound".
Anyone who would use another as "Temporary beats" until the ex returns and doesn't let their beats know their place is shifty low down gritty and GRIMY. Let's call a spade a spade here! Women are good for this type of thinking even though men get the bad rap for this.
Someimes people are in it for the loung haul and their love interest is in it for the short trip. You cant control that because if they are on the fence, and you sway them, its only a matter of time b4 they hop the fence and go back home. CMON SON!!
i don't totally agree with ol girl, but some ppl are stuck on their exes just b/c they've dated other ppl, and that ex was the best…but let me just keep it 1st person. that was the case for the ex i was stuck on. neither he nor our relationship was perfect but it felt workable especially in comparison to the bull i went through before and after him. but once i met someone better than him…the hold he had on me was lost. that may sound pathetic but i'm just "keepin it 100"…
and i think the general reason that ppl are ever stuck on their exes is because that was their best relationship…
i agree with you that entering into a new relationship solely to get over the last one is messed up…but ppl do it. sometimes it works out. i believe this is how serial monogamists function…
Serial monogamy sounds like an epidemic. lol. I feel your post though. Thank you for sharing!
I feel like this commentor is trying to the owness on the new person. We can't have that. If I meet a girl and she's like well me and my ex decided to break up while we both worked on somethings as single people. I already know from jump that it's not for the long haul. And not that the long haul is to be defined as marriage, but still, two people who not on equal planes should be dating.
I wish a chick would say, i'm just looking for something temporary before I work things out with my ex. I'd have to post her on dontdatethisgirl.com. Not because she's out there doing her, but just because this ain't the type of girl any dude really wants to be in the "long haul" with.
I think Smokey the Bear put it best. Only YOU can prevent forest fires. It's not on the new person to prevent your ex from flaring up. It's on you. If you leave that door open, then you should expect that a foot might just wedge it's way in there.
This line of thinking is just dumb. I repeat, "I feel sorry for you men who have to pick a wife out this bunch." – Chris Rock
THIS is one your best articles yet..Hit right Home…
I think it depends on how someone broke up with their ex..meaning if the break-up was horrible and messed up..First they are angry, then hurt..Vow to never love again…If the new Guy or Girl want to ride that emotional rollercoaster..Then more power to them..I think its B.S….Because "I dont lick wounds other people inflicted nor do I scale walls that are put up because someone Else fucked you up emotionally."….If you are still reeling over your Ex…Then you need to work that shit out Alone..Because the bottom line is..If you are emotionally guarded behind some crap that happen in your previous relationship, Then your Ex is still pulling your strings and controlling your life Anyway!!!! AndWho has time for that Mess…NEXT!!!!!!
I think I must approach relatonship/dating the wrong way…
1. I don't date ex's…once it's done, it's done.
2. Everyone one I date generally has an invisible expiration date on his/her forehead…so whether they go back to an ex or not…I am cool with that because none where meant to last long term anyway.
I guess I need to get over this single thing and start thinking about settling down…but…I don't think I was made for monogamy… The longer I am single and the older I get…I am ok with being by myself. Dating is good as long as no one catches feelings. It's all in variety for me.
Ex's be damned…lol
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