When I first heard One Night Only by Lil’ Wayne for some strange reason, it didn’t sound as bad as it really was. You guys who read my blogs know how much I hate how dudes will be infatuated with smashing a chick who has a man. But really when I sit down and think about it from the girl’s perspective it’s quite comical to me. Real talk, a lot people think that cheating is cut and dry, but often times it isn’t. And as random as people may think one-night-stands are, most times, they aren’t. So let me jot down a few notes on the subject.
He was already smashing before you, he’ll be smashing after you
It’s so easy to assume the reason she is not with the last guy is because something grimy went down… no silly rabbit. There are several reasons why she may not be talking to him anymore and the one you need to pay close attention to is, “He’s just not boyfriend material.” What that means is that you’re boyfriend material and he was just a Super Sexy Superhero. So occasionally when she is looking for a good thronxing she will allow a few of those inappropriate texts go through. And when you are hanging out with the boys one night and she’s “hanging out with her girls” she’s actually getting her back blown out by the other dude.
She only sees him but so often
Watch out for this guy. Actually, not really. You see this guy is probably from here, but does not live here. Or maybe he hits your city up often. For example, he plays for the Eagles and you live in NYC. So he plays the Giants once a season and makes a few random trips to the city whenever they play the Jets or Patriots. On the night that this guy is in town, he will expect your chick to rid herself of you and come hang out with you. He probably knows you, but he doesn’t really care about you. And to be honest, she doesn’t respect you if she lets a dude say, “ditch that dude and let’s get it on.”
She don’t think she will ever see him again
You were the dumass who let her go to Vegas for her and her home girl’s 25th birthdays. You got what you deserved you nitwit. She met dude at Tryst and later on that night in the city where everything that happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, she boned him. Now it’s not always vacation it could be that the guy is leaving town permanently or for an extended time. Say word, SENIOR YEAR OF COLLEGE. Don’t front! Do not front, some of you know, there was a couple casualties of chance because you knew you guys would be on separate sides of the country but the tension had been there for the last four/five years. So you had a little one night stand.
You should have kept your mouth shut
I really don’t want to give this as an out, but I’ll be honest with you guys. Sometimes you piss your woman off and she goes out and has a “good time”. You know if your girl has a tendency to do these types of things, so don’t anger her. Do not send you girl out into the streets upset with you for being an asshole. You’re only making the other guy’s job too easy.
“You can’t turn a ho into an Atlanta housewife, and you can’t rehabilitate someone who’s grimy. Men get labeled with the “once a cheater, always a cheater” phrase, when it holds true for women also. I know women who have had boyfriends for years…and I just found out last week! Clearly, these women don’t respect their boyfriend or the relationship, and see their significant other as background to their Broadway play of Les Miserable. There’s no helping them, and no stopping them if they want a “forbidden dude”” (http://www.threewaystotakeit.com/dont-you-have-a-man/) I couldn’t have said it better.
So there you have it. She has one night only so she chose to cheat. You could get mad and throw away years of a relationship on one measly night of pleasure or you could get over it. I am not advising you to just get over it. In my opinion, if a chick is going to step out every time she gets pissed or if she is going to just smash every time she gets the feeling to, she is a liar and cheat and those are two things I just won’t do. My only point here is that, these one night stands are happening and the reasons are a little more complicated than you think. Wouldn’t you agree? Have you ever stepped out on a significant other for one night? Or, lol, do you know someone who has? Ladies in particular, ever been pissed at your boo and decided to “do you” for a night? Or maybe you just wanted to have your cake and eat it too.
– Dr. J
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I most definitely have for reasons we will not get into.
I won't say I'm wrong, he dayum sure ain't right.
i have… and yes, it was because of some dumb shit he said right before i went out of town for work…
would i do it again? nah, i didn't like the feeling that followed…
same here
Good Post.
I agree, I would hope the reason ppl are stepping out are more complicated than just because, and if that is the case then why are you in the relationship again?
My motto is if your gonna cheat then its not meant to be. No point in being in a relationship.point blank.
I've never cheated on an SO and I don't understand people that do. If you cheat, it means you're not happy in the relationship, in which case, you should get out of it. Also, there are plenty of people willing to be in an un-exclusive (is that a word) relationship. So why run game on somebody who isn't?
First, cheating is f*cked up. You're hurting the person that you're supposedly closest to by doing the worst thing you possibly can to them.
Now, this article is about women cheating. There's a big difference when a woman goes out and hes sex with another man…the penetration factor. The penetration factor: a stranger is physically entering the body of the person you love…the part of the body that biologically creates the most pleasure. I wouldn't get the notion of someone else having been inside my woman outta my head. And personally, unless its a good friend I know, family, etc… I'd be hard pressed to hang out with other dudes in my spare time. Most of them don't know what they're doin, aren't clean, and don't know how to enjoy themselves.
There once was a time where I felt sick knowing that some dude's been with a girl I care about before me. Therefore, knowing a dude's d*ck has been inside of my woman WHILE I'm emotionally involved with and dating her would be the end of it, no question. I wouldn't even ask her any questions.
I'd take the blame though, 100%, and ask myself how the f*ck I let that happen.
I feel this comment 200%. I am the exact same way about this. I've tried to explain the penetration factor to women and they just don't understand it.lol. I very well may save this comment in my archives.
High five on this one!!!. I am a woman and I try to explain this to my female friends and they don't get it (and I can't understand why). Don't get me wrong, Its just as bad to think of my man entering a stranger's body; but there is just something about it being the other way around…bottom line, keep your skirt up and your pants zipped when you are in a relationship with someone, practice some daggone self control and if you feel the itch to step out, then just break up with your SO…all the excuses of I was mad at him or I was drunk are just bs and a mask hiding our lack of self control (serious issue that translates to so many things). Great comment Gershtown.
Wow! I didn't know that men knew about or agreed with the Penetration Factor (though I've never heard it called this). It was only recently brought to my attention when I asked a fwb to be sexually exclusive (but still be able to "date" other people (this would be a whole different blog post)) and he said he couldn't agree to that arrangement. I asked my girl how dude could not be grossed out by having multiple sex partners at once (girl A on Monday, girl B on Tuesday) and she said it was b/c he was not being penetrated. I had never heard it like that before, but it made perfect sense to me as soon as she said it.
Ok, this I don't get. Now I fully understand the penetration factor, however….
So dude is cool with sexing you while being aware that y'all are not being sexually exclusive with one another, but as soon as you let him know you don't wanna sex others anymore, he ain't wit' it?!?! If that ain't ass-backwards then I don't know what is!!
Shed some light on me….
No. Basically I told him from the beginning that I was cool with us "dating" other people, but not sleeping with other people. He was cool with it for a while, but after a few months (presumably when some new nootsie was presented as an option), he decided he couldn't agree to those terms. I now see the error in my thinking. For me, as a woman, I can "date" 10 men and not have sex with any of them. So this was an ideal set up for me. For him, dating = sex and sexually exclusive = exclusively dating. So that was the end of that. I couldn't understand how he would even want to have sex with multiple people, until my girl pointed out the penetration factor. But I definitely respect dude's honesty. He coulda just lied and did me dirty.
Sir if there was a Nobel Prize for explaining why men feel the way they do, I would nominate your comment.
It really is a competition to keep other poles away from the girl you care about. I am able to get over not being the only one my S.O. has ever piped.. b/c I know that the other dudes that piped 'cared' or investing something into it. But once a girl gets penetrated for FREE, on a one night stand, fwb, just for sh!t and giggles, b/c he looked good… its not special anymore and I'm going to feel robbed. Why do I have to invest my life into this hole that another dude got for free?!? I'm not going to pay for a hand-me-down.
The goal for guys is to sleep with women as fast as possible. That is how we measure our hunting skill. So if you have an SO that you made wait 3 months and you have a dude at the club who got it on the first night. The dude who got it on the first night is always going to be cooler than the SO. He was so special that you could resist him and he didn't have to invest any time, energy, money, or emotion to get it. The S.O. is always going to feel like less of a man.
Cheekz, this may be one of these most well-written comments you have ever put together. I applaud you sir. I applaud you!
And let the CHUUUUCH say AMEN! (You see what I did there?)
I, for one, do not co-sign this bulshiggity. At all. Women are sexual creatures, and most have or will enjoy a meaningless roll in the hay. The reason that casual sex is not as popular with women as it is with men is because for women the casual experience is (usually) not satisfying. No one wants to lay in bed with that "I could have had a V-8" feeling. And considering that there are more men engaged in casual sex than women – some of y'all are dipping into the same scallawags that let your LB's, teammates, roommates, uncles and midget second cousins hit. And then y'all have the nerve to come to us with "it's just not special if I know someone else got it first"??? GOOHWTBS!!! The man who was able to have a one night stand with your lady is not cooler or better – he just looked/danced like he could break her back on the one night she was at the club, hrony and willing. If you're her SO, it's because you're SO material and she has feelings for you. Play your role and shut the hell up about it already, lol! Don't come with how who gets penetrated vs. who penetrates matters – it doesn't matter to std's.
I've said this before but it bears repeating: if you're not ready to accept that your woman has had sex prior to being with you, date virgins exclusively and invest in Jergens.
Thanks for the Support Slim & Streetz.
Anna, there is something important that you are not considering. I understand you are not basing "who is cooler or has more value" off of who got it quicker. The SO is the one you hold in higher regard. Its very reassuring to hear you say that: despite the fact that you did it in a "get over it negro" fashion.
However, we are still comparing ourselves to each other. OUR goal is to get it the quickest. Its not just the fact that you did it, its who you did it with. We know what we think about girls who give it up easy. Your one night stand makes you a hoe in that man's eyes. Yet you are a "queen" in mine. Do you know how that feels? To have the person you care about thought of as a whore?
If We were walking down the street and somebody called you a whore, wouldn't you expect me to defend your honor? Not let somebody get away with thinking that about my woman? Well this person is getting away with it. He won over me forever, he used my scared temple for his meaningless pleasure. Its not just a previous relationship, b/c I could atleast respect a man that prayed at the same temple as me.. but a one night stand? He doesn't respect my Gods, he just drank my holy wine for the taste.
AND VIRGINS ARE WORST! You put all that effort into getting them to spread. The next man is never going to have to work as hard as you… you will always be the tough luck loser.
Don’t come with how who gets penetrated vs. who penetrates matters – it doesn’t matter to std’s.
It actually does matter to STDs. It is much easier for a man to give a woman an STD than vice versa. I'm just sayin.
*kanye shrug*
Cheekz, you bring up some good points. And maybe I see things a bit differently because I've crossed the 30 line. In age, not partners, lol. Here's where I come from on this: I don't believe a one night stand makes a woman a whore. If every night is a one night stand? Side eye. Do I think sexual standards are the same for men and women? No, and I wouldn't want it to be. But occassionally, women need to get their nut off, too. Otherwise we become that mean, sour woman that everyone in the office or class whispers should "get her some for the sake of us all."
I guess what bothers me about this is the commitment level. So the woman you're with is the best thing since sliced bread until some other dude tells you she isn't? That makes me wonder how deep your feelings were in the first place.
If I'm walking down the street with my SO and some woman jumps out and tries to call him out, guess what? I'ma smash that heffa in the face first and ask questions later. I don't care if she's right or not. She's a threat to my man, I love him, end of (her) story. I fall hard – if you've passed all the tests to get to my heart, nothing but YOU can get you out of it. Perhaps I'm wrong to expect the same, but I do.
Ionno – maybe this is just a gender thing. I'm just flashing back to all of the women I've seen fight tigers for the (sometimes totally not worth it) men they love, and the men are like, "You saw her with an eye boogie one time? Ah hell naw, it's over!" lol!
"But once a girl gets penetrated for FREE, on a one night stand, fwb, just for sh!t and giggles, b/c he looked good… its not special anymore"
Is this even if the no-strings-attached sex happened before you were in the picture, or is this only in the case of cheating?
both….
Way worst with cheating b/c you can tell yourself hey she is a different person now. But you are still going to feel sad about it. If they are giving away free cars yesterday. Than today you need a car and they say 40k? You are still going to be salty, even if the sale was before you were looking for a car.
How could you skip the revenge fcuk? The man has cheated, the woman is hurt and embarassed – and she returns the favor. Depending on where the relationship is she may be trying to hurt him, or she may me mentally and physically disengaging. Either way, if you've done your woman dirty and she a) seems to get over it a little too quickly; b) gives you smug looks while serving you dinner and c) wants to chill with her girls a little more often….she's getting it in.
This is what I don't get – don't y'all understand that sex is ALWAYS available to women? Always. And usually, it's sex with someone she knows someone who does it bigger, better and longer than you. She's with you because she cares for you as a person. Just be aware that Kang Dangalang will fly to the rescue if you start messing up.
I did actually cheat on one of my SO's. He was traveling ALOT for his employer. I guess, I was feeling a little neglected/lonely. I got back in touch with a guy from High School that I had crushed on all thru school. He was married (I am hangin' my head in shame). We just used to meet at the park and talk sh*t. We kissed a few times. There was no penetration. I refused to take it there. I finally came to my senses and ended seeing him altogether. Dude provided me with a rush. He made me feel a certain way at the time that my SO was not making me feel…..I have never cheated on an SO since. I have decided its much better to talk it out with your SO and (or) just break up and move on…….
QueenT?
nice story. thanks for sharing. One question? Did you confess? and if you did… did your SO take it well the fact that you weren't penetrated?
Confess? Nooo….I handled it. I didn't want to risk losing my SO over some bullsh&t.
LOL, Hell no, I haven't. That's how women end up on Maury and Judge Hatchett, testing 2 (or more) dudes.
I didn't bone the guy I was cheating with. So, maybe, that doesn't count as really cheating? I did feel some type of way about it so it was cheating to me, I guess.
I think you can file that under "hooking up". If you weren't married to the SO I don't think it's so bad.
Never cheated. Never will (hopefully). If things go sour in the relationship, I am more likely to just end it then go out and cheat. Don't think I've ever been cheated on but who knows?
The lack of quality time cheater will probably be the first for me. I have one of those jobs that involves sporadic travel and late nights. I'll either have to find one that can handle that or find one in the same industry.
The penetration factor is serious! I don't think I could ever move past that, I would have to move on.
good post.
oh, and Vegas is called sin city for a reason. go out there either single or with ya boo. I's just saying. its a real "don't leave ya girl 'round me" kinda town. *serious face* but of course I'm not implying that ALL people act a fool in Vegas. of course not…
Nice post but I don't think it matters either way around. Cheating is wrong when its a man or a woman. And the whole "penetration thing" is bologna. What difference does it make that someone enters my body or my dude enters someone else? They are both wrong.
I've never cheated on any SO and that never mattered anyhow. I hate liars and dishonesty and I try to live a life steering from those ways. Once you are drunk with a lie you must carry on only worst things can happen. And being a woman I know we can pull the wool over a dudes eyes and he won't notice a thing! I will say this, although its difficult for me to have 2 different taste buds, I am more willing than ever to have an appetizer now and then…..based off my experiences damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Go for it!
Nikki AKA Good girl turned bad!
For serious!!! Nikki, we're *here*. Like the picture of you banging some chick out from behind or going down on her like you're starving, or kissing her is easier to digest…GTFOOHWTM!…nonsense
I'm not sure what you mean but I will add this: My experiences have led me to believe that once you give it away your defenses to heartache are gone. Some women will suffer and some women will get even. I personally have never felt comfortable steppin out on any SO, but I've had dudes drop me off as if I did. I've always wondered how do the biggest BITCHES have men chasing after them and I tell you I swear men like that shit! So to that I say it doesn't matter. If you need to feel better about you do what you have to do.
A good man is only good to the woman he wants the most. But for the chick who he's so so about (who more often doesn't know) is the one who gets the dick…or dicked literally. This whole thing about women having a dick piece is sad to me because the intimacy is gone and we're conditioning ourselves to deal with it. Its wrong period. But men do what they want, boys do what they can….and I say a woman of 2009+ needs to keep a toy and loose the side piece!!! I've recently been dismissed and sought out an old friend for a rump and although it was pleasurable it lacked the sensitivity that I needed. And for that our relationship is over. Merely because I can't stand being a piece of ass anymore to anyone….But had I stepped out maybe I wouldn't have felt so dismissed and rejected but moreso liberated because I stepped out on him and shared the thing he used me for…..sinful thoughts but I'm human. I realized (although I was semi conscious the whole time) that I let my good heart be taken advantage of by a smooth brother who was using me for pussy and my whole sense of intimacy (in adult relationships) is now fucked up. When you use someone for sex its never good either way.
I'm a habitual cheater. Not exactly sure why either. Maybe boredom, maybe because I'm always in a long distance relationship of some sort. I don't really know. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be faithful.
Then why be in a relationship? Just do you. Though those words seem simple, there's got to be more to your cheating issue…
I do both…me…as well as the "relationship". I choose to be in "relationships" with unavailable men all of the time. Either emotionally, physically (ie.another state or country) or sometimes both. And these "relationships" last for years at a time. Tiffany you're correct…there's a lot more to my cheating issue…what that is I'm afraid I have no answer. yet. The good news is that as far as any of them ever knew/know…I was/am a "good girl". Oh and when i say cheat it's in this scenario: I have someone that I'm dating supposedly exclusively that lives in another state…and meanwhile I have ONE man that I infrequently go to for sex. Perhaps I justify that behavior with thinking my SO must be doing the same thing given the great distance between us. I don't know.
Never cheated, but did out my eff'em dress on a few times and kicked all night with the girls. flirted with some random dudes and then took my drunk self to the house.
What led to the eff'em dress–most likely some ish that added to an already bad moment. It usually revolves around some for form of memory loss: (that seems to do it for me!)
1. You forgot me–took me to work but late as H e double hockey sticks picking me up. I had to watch everyone walk pass me in the lobby wondering if I needed a ride home–def deserves a eff'em dress and platforms night out!
2. You forgot to tell me we were going to so-in-so's house or so-in-so was coming over–now I got to alter my already made plans or clean the house when I wanted to just chill after teaching knuckleheads all day–deserves a dinner with the girls and a eff'em dress night out!
Guilty
I have a person I know (I don't regularly have smuts as friends) who seems to cheating with some random dude every single time I see her out. She'll wave and bring her "friend" over to introduce to me. She'll whisper in my ear that she got into an argument with booski .I've never cheated and if I ever got to the point where I felt like I could, I would end the relationship. I have been angry enough with my SO but cheating has been never been option.
"I have been angry enough with my SO but cheating has never been an option"
…and that's probably why it has never happened. that's how i feel about cheating (and everything else we choose to do)… if it's an option, it's always possible.
Your one night stand makes you a hoe in that man’s eyes. Yet you are a “queen” in mine. ?
Cheekz, have you just gone on record as saying that any woman who has casual sex is a ho? B/c most men will try to downplay this double-standard but it seems like you are co-signing.
the men on SBM don't downplay that at all. lol. there are plenty of ho blog posts on this here site. lol
Reecie.. I don't think I ever told you this, but you are adorable.
Yonnie, I'm not going to be ignorant.
A)You were a hoe THAT NIGHT (fair?)
B)You are a hoe in that man's eyes, and he is going to think I wifed a hoe. And that is what that sentence was trying to express.
its only "fair" if a man would be considered a hoe under the same cirucumstances…and we know he wouldn't be. But we also know that this is an old argument that never goes anywhere. So yeah, I see what you're saying.
I feel like you virtually patted me on the head when typing that, but thanks. lol
Wow, lost of truth here. It definitely goes both ways, but I will say guys normally get the bad rep from these. Probably b/c they get caught more often.
I feel lik emy posts bring the truth out in people. First we got chicks admitting to having someone run triz on them. Now we got chicks admitting to smashing someone on the sly because their man pissed them off. People admitting to one night stands.
Sidenote: It's 4pm and my coworker still smells like liquor.
As I was saying… I was out in Oakland and after this party one night, this chick asked me could I drop her off in the hundreds where her Altima was. I was driving in my car, she was telling me bout problems with her man, I was like I fully understand, let me help you with a plan, while he tricking off, don't get no rich nigga, give me some head, that'll really piss him off…. – c. Kanye West
your posts are clearly making me people consider different issues – but whether they're bringing out the truth? eh… i dare people to consider that its actually not that complicated. people cheat because they CAN. if any of us refused to allow that possibility, it would not happen. before the actual act of cheating – before one becomes a "liar and a cheat" – he or she is simply "open" to that possibility; one which we all are capable of, but one we do not all have to fall to. a girl f*cks another dude not merely because she wants to, but because she allows it to happen (and sometimes even seeks it). like everything else in life, cheating is a choice. and its not that complicated. (in my opinion…)
I agree entirely with your opinion–people spend too much time trying to dig deep into the whys "for men its physical, women its emotional" blah blah blah. it can be either one for either gender, but for ALL its a choice.
I would agree. Its funny that society calls it a double standard, but the standard is held by both sides, and both sides deem it wrong. So if both sides says its the wrong thing to do, why is everyone doing it? Is it unofficially ok?