So who is the damaged goods?
This guy?
OR…
Or this gal?
I was watchin’ Real Housewives of Atlanta this past weekend in a moment of boredom (Don’t you dare judge me!). This particular episode happened to be one of the few where Kandi’s mother was voicing her disagreement with Kandi’s man AJ (RIP) having 6 kids. Even though it seemed to be agreed upon that he took care of his 6 kids, she just couldn’t get past it and didn’t want him to marry Kandi. And since my mind tends to link things together, I started thinkin’ about the people I know with multiple kids that aren’t/weren’t married. A good portion of the visitors to this website and my own site are mothers. A good number of folks I went to college and high school with are mothers and fathers sans the ring and life long commitment. Sh*t, for that matter I have 2 half brothers and a half sister. I was the only child that was a product of my parents’ marriage. The fact that they met each other while they had children didn’t stop them from dating, progressing into the life long commitment, and creating the illustrious blogging beast known as Slim Jackson.
So that was then and this is now. How much has really changed with regard to people entering relationships where one of the parties already has children? One thing that I definitely want to say upfront is that I am not passing any type of judgment on people who have kids that aren’t married or in a serious relationship. Today’s post is more so about the initial stages of dating for people with children. Personally, I’m not sure that I could date a woman with a child or multiple kids. That’s just me though. It has less to do with the “Oh man, she was with someone else before me” or “Damaged Goods” and more to do with “I want my family to be my family and my kids to only see me as their father and nobody else.” One of my successful Uncles shared a similar sentiment and now he’s in his late 40s. He always vowed that he would only date women who didn’t already have children. But as of today, he’s dating a woman with 2-3 kids and word on the block is that she may be a candidate for marriage.
So this brings another issue into the mix. How much does the factor of age play into this? I think it’s pretty much agreed that as a man gets older, his “options” expand…unless he is a sloppy and ugly mess. I look at my uncle, who could still probably bag some college chicks, and I wonder what made him change his criteria? I say this not because I think he’s wrong, but because he seemed so intent for years on having a family and kids that were “just his”. I suppose I could ask him, but that would be kinda awkward since I haven’t spoken to him in a hot minute. Imagine me callin’ him up like “Hey Unk, I ain’t spoke to you in a hot minute but I heard you datin’ someone with kids. What’s good with that?” Yeah, that wouldn’t be cool. Nonetheless, I digress.
I know a good number of men who are adamant about not datin’ women with children and I know a smaller number who don’t mind it. I also know a good number of women with children that don’t have any problems findin’ a man and/or dating. Now that I think about it, I know a ton of men with kids that have absolutely no problem dating at all. I actually think their kid(s) get them bonus points with women.lol.
So that’s enough of my thoughts. What about you ladies and gents? For those without kids, would you date someone at this point in your life that has children? For those out there with children, how much has becoming a parent impacted the way that you date or go about starting a relationship with someone?
Childless to the best of my knowledge,
I'm 25 year old woman w/ NO children. I would rather date a man w/ no kids in order to avoid the proverbial "baby mama drama." If I dated a man w/ kids I would always feel guilty in the back of mind. If we went out on the weekends I would feel like he should spend his free time with kids. If I took him home for the holidays, I would feel like I'm not presenting the whole story if his kids weren't there. On the flip side, when my parents married, my mom had a son & my dad had no kids until I was born. My mom, dad, brother & I are tight as rice so it did work out for my parents. Still as for me, I say no kids please.
i'm 28 and i have no children. i've only dated a woman once who had a child. this was back when i was 23. she was 23 as well and had a 7 year old. at first i was very hesitant on dating a woman who was already a mother. i later found out the conditions of her pregnancy, then i felt bad for judging her situation in the first place.
i don't think the experience was that bad but i could never do it again. at this age i date or enter relationships with the intent of progressing with the hopes of marriage. i just can't deal with the idea of ready made families. like how do you discipline a child that isn't yours. just not my cup of tea.
At my age I honestly thought this would be a non-issue…"Who would have kids already?" Of course I was wrong. [I was recently told my standards were "too high"…and I think my stance on him having a kid may have something to do with it (still in the womb mind you!)…]
I would prefer to date someone without children. Like leslie_lorelle stated, I would just feel guilty and selfish about him not being around the child during his free time. I believe in the two parent household, but of course that too is not always possible. Also, "Baby Mama Drama" is just something I don't want or need in my life. And lastly, I want the first time parenting experience to be something my husband and I enter in together.
Now I must say, if I am still in the dating scene later in life, this expectation of mine would probably have to become less stringent. I'm sure, I'll be much more willing to let it go by then.
I have dated a guy with a child before, but the situation was complicated where the boy doesn't know my ex is his father bc the mother doesn't want her SO (now husband) to know she had cheated on him. So she told her SO that the child was his. I know, straight up drama.
That's the thing with dealing with someone who has a child or children is that you could be walking into their drama. It's not always the case, but it could be. My friend was dealing with a guy with baby mama drama and it was very stressful. I don't think I could deal with that nonsense, but you never know. But I have to say a man with a child is not my top pick, just bc of the drama. I love all children so raising someone else's child is not an issue for me, but the potential for drama is a turnoff.
Now multiple children is definitely a turnoff, bc either he was really trying to start a family with this woman and the potential for them to get back together is high (I would always feel like I came second) or if it is multiple women, he is probably sexually irresponsible.
Damn Slim, you touched on a great topic! (pause?)
I don't think I could marry someone with kids, only because I want to start my OWN fam, similar to your reasons. I've dated women with kids and its just weird… I don't know. Especially depending on the kids age. My biggest fear is the lil one walkin in on a thronxing session <del>which has happened to me before</del> NOT a good look, lmao.
As always, the older we get the situations change, which is why i won't speak in absolutes. To date a kidless women is a preference, a STRONG preference. You never know what the future holds though!
So when the little one walked in on the thronxing session….
did you keep going?
1…2..3..4…FIF!
lmao
nah I had to pull a Neo/Matrix move. lets just say shawty never saw me.
As a male, I have experienced dating a Bebe kids mom. And there was plenty of drama in the form of four different baby daddies that I had to put up with. Things like fathers that were not around until they knew I was in her life. Things like I'm all that and a bag of chips to her 13-year-old because I bought him the latest sneakers and gear, but often thru that old "you ain't my father" bit at me when I had to verbally discipline him. I never once physically disciplined any of them even though at times she wanted me to. Pu..y made me not look at what I was getting into in the first place. Now days it's real hard to find someone without at least one kid. But I think I could deal with one Baby daddy rather than four.
I swear this was the same convo I was having yesterday with my BFF. Anyhoo men with kids are not at the top of my list at all. I agree with Slim it has more to do with my family circle. I see it as this I don't want anyone to be able to come into my circle. Also a man having kids means his money has to leave my house, another woman will always be in his/ours lives, and lastly there my come a time when I need him or she may need him. (Just the thought of it gives me a heahach me)
Lastly, I had a very bad experinece with Baby Mama Drama and I vowed(age 18) to not date a man who has kids(I say hi exchange numbers & if u said u had a kid in the process of our convo I would never call you back again).That's just the way things were for me. Just recently I am kinda sorta open to dating "there kind" again…LOL still not my thing though!. Im 24 with no kids. I would like to share this with my husband us walkin into parenthood not knowing anything together.
A man once told me that I would have to deal with the fact that everybody got kids nowa days…WTH…No I don't!!!
As for me Men with kids are Not really My thing…!!!
I've dated a few guys with children, but I never allowed myself to get serious with them.
I'm 27 with no children, and my preference is a longterm relationship with a man who has no children. I know too many women who have drama with the ex-wife or baby mama and I refuse to deal with that. Should I get married and have a child, I'd like it to be a first for the both of us.
that's funny, me and my BF had this very conversation a day or two ago. i have nothing against "blended families" but i just think they do take a lot of getting used to. when you decide to have a family that's just yours it saves the weirdness of trying to see where you fit in someone else child's life. do you discipline them if they get out of line with you? what do you do about how they address you (you can only be auntie/uncle/mr./ms. _ for so long)? how do you adrres their mother/father? and so on it can be a bit much if you don't prepare yourself properly.
I dated a guy w/ 1 child at the time (during the course of our dating he had child #2 — cheating assh*le), I digress… it was a little difficult because of my attachment to the child. I'm not even going to get into "BM" drama b/c every situation is different, either you have it or you don't. When I found that we were no longer clicking like we used to and the situation was no longer positive, I wanted to break up w/ him but I didn't want to break-up with the child. At this point the child (he was 3) knew my name, looked forward to my visits on the weekend, asked me to help him on the potty instead of his dad and all those things that come with a adult-child connection. I was devastated thinking about leaving the child, and for that reason I stayed with the dad longer than I should have.
In the end the BM ended up moving b/c she got married and the child was forced to leave his father & I making the break up a whole helluva lot easier. Now the father wonders why he can't even get me to respond to his text messages.
I try not to judge people for past mistakes and you never know what form love is coming in so I don't want to limit myself. But I am VERY aware of the danger of dating someone w/ kids. That being said the current situation I'm facing, the guy who wants to date me has a child ON THE WAY, the last girlfriend is currently 6 months pregnant. I think that may be just too much for me to handle.
I think it is interesting how most of the people here expressing their unwillingness to get involved with someone with children are in their 20s. Mainly because the dating scene changes when you are single in your 30s and beyond.
As a woman who was married to someone in my 20s and neither of us had children I was fine, but getting back in the dating scene in my 30s almost everyone has kids. I'm the commodity who does not.
Needless to say it has changed my view from "do you have children" to "how many do you have" and "do you take care of them" as well as "how often do you spend time with them."
Just my 2 cents…
Those questions you ask nowadays are ones that I don't look forward to asking at any point regardless of age. But of course, I say this now.
Slim, trust that I do not look forward to asking those questions either. But at a certian point in life it is inevitable.
Would I like to have my "own" nuclear family, of course. But out of all the men I have come across in the past year and a half of being back in the dating scene, only 1 does not have children. That almost 100% by my math.
And of course, all of them are truly shocked that I do not have children. Kind of sad, but that is today's world…
I hope all of you find your life partners and go on to raise a family together. That was my dream however it got deferred. I am divorced and I have two kids by my ex husband. My current SO and I have been together for about a year. He has yet to meet my kids because I want to make sure we are solid first..he seems to have no problem with the idea that I have kids and he actually loves kids…I am just super cautious but I am glad there are some men out there who will date a woman with kids….
I would and do date men with children. Technically, sex is for procreation, not recreation, so I understand that children are the result of sex, which everybody is having, all of us just haven't gotten caught up.
Children are wonderful and beautiful; I would never discount a man and think of him as unworthy of my time and affection and consideration for long term potential because he has children. I know that I am a good (sometime great) person with wonderful qualities, and if I had a child (which I do not), that would not diminish that.
My younger sister has a daughter, and I hate that she feels like she won't ever be married because no one will want her because she has a child. My neice is the love of my life, and everyone that meets her falls in love, and if a man doesn't want to be with my sister because she exists, he's really missing out on 2 wonderful people.
I've dated several men with children before, and the "baby mama drama" has always been non-existent. Yeah, he may have had drama with her, but I've never dealt with any of them, so I was always pretty much care-free.
A lot of these blog posts deal with reason after reason why we shouldn't date this or that person, and what would be a dealbreaker, etc. which, if you compile a list from the archives would effectively eliminate most human beings. I would hate to be dismissed just because I conceived and created life.
I'm 27 with no children.
Dating compatability is a big deal. On a site like this, it's nearly impossible to avoid. I figure rather than just do a laundry list of reasons why I wouldn't date someone, I would address one in particular and get the thoughts of others. It seems like most people have difference experiences in this area and haven't really seen this particular aspect explored in detail. Good honest comment though. Much appreciated.
I'm above 30 with no kids. I will only SERIOUSLY be with a man whose kids came from marriage. I have that option. I'm never at a loss for men. But I live in the DC area. None of my male friends around my age will date women with children. They don't have to. It's not to the point where there pool of women is full of women with children.
@Ms Smart: I still see a lot of dudes dating single moms, I'm not one but some dudes have no cut cards.
“I want my family to be my family and my kids to only see me as their father and nobody else.”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This sums it up.
I don't consider Single Moms damaged goods, but I can tell you starting at the age of 17 I tried my best to avoid them. Why? Well, when your father tells you "don't bring home any babies here unless you're ready to give everything up to take care of it" I guess you listen. So starting from High School, there were girls already getting knocked up and going through the motions. In college, a few here and there but when I came out of college, the pool was inundated with single mothers. I mean, it wasn't so easy as to just meet a nice looking woman, ask her out and that was that. From the ages of 24-30, I constantly met women with 1 or 2 kids, father's status unknown or sketchy. I let my guard down for a woman who had one kid, and felt later that I couldn't deal so I backed out of it. I hurt her, but I didn't mean to. I wasn't ready to be step dad or whatever I would've been if things got deeper. Ever since then, I would date a single mom but never take it to the next level.
I think some other cats feel this way but I remain resilient about it. I've managed to piss of many a single mom by telling her straight up that I do not date women with kids. One thing I never back down to is the shaming that comes along with my decisions.
Trust me guys ( im not how it is with women) but being a step dad is wack. I rarely see it turn out good. Its hard dealing with your kids. I mean you are always gonna have it in the back of your head that "this fool aint mine"
I'm 25 and kinda new on the dating scene. Right now, I'm dating pretty casually, but for a serious relationship, I would have a huge pause towards a man with kids.
Call me selfish, but I want to give birth to my husband's firstborn, not play second-fiddle to some other chick. The presence of a child/another woman is a lot to handle and I'm not ready for all that. I don't have kids, so I expect the same from someone I'm seriously dating.
I'll never date/marry a woman with kids. I don't care how old I am when I get ready to tie the knot. Aint happening. I want my own kids. Currently 25 (saturday :)), college grad working on masters, fresh off an almost 4 year relationship, NO kids. (Thank Ya Lawd).
Dating a man with kids means that i will NEVER be #1 in his life. EVER. and i'm at a stage in my life where i can afford to be selfish. I do believe that age plays a significant role however, especially if you intend to date a person of color (not stereotyping, it's a fact), and so i'm sure this requirement will be less stringent should i find myself still dating ten years from now.
good post, great read 🙂
i am assuming your uncle wanted to date someone closer to his own age and therefore more mentally compatible. once your uncle reached his 40's he realized that most of the women that were single already had children.
once a person reaches their 40's they are usually single with older children or ready for their 2nd marriage and their children are grown. I am in my 40's and my sons are in high school — many of my friends are divorced now with children in high school and college. most of the men don't mind dating a woman with children but are really not trying to get married again or play daddy to anyone else's children.
i guess in retrospect it's all about timing and going with the flow of your age range.
I heart your blog! It has become part of my morning ritual. I’ve been reading for months and finally breaking out of my shell to join in on the conversation!
Im 28, single with no chill’ens. I do not like dating guys with kids however once upon a time when I went back on my standards, I gave a few a try. Between plans being cancelled because of a lack of a baby-sitter or sickness to the kid having to come out on dates with us at the last minute, I just didn’t like dealing with all of that extra-ness. Having Dave n Buster’s on my mind but ending up at the more kid friendly, chuck-e-cheese is not my cup of tea! On the flipside, dating a man with a kid does show a lot about how he takes care of responsibility. I’ve seen men who absolutely adore their child and that makes me feel warm inside. I do know a handful of men out there without kids (like 10) so they are out there… im just keeping hope alive my knight in shining armor rides in on his horse minus the car seat 🙂
Thanks for coming through on this post! I chuckled at the knight in shining armor riding in without the car seat.
23 no kids and I'm pretty much selective and don't date guys with children. It has less to do with baby mama drama (although I do not need my tires smashed by a crazy heiffa) and more to do with me not having patience to deal with children who get involved in the relationship only to have it end. I was that child who got attached to my dad's girlfriends and their families and I hated it so I couldn't do it to another child.
However if a man came along that I felt was worth all the issues I'd date him.
Someone earlier noticed the difference in 20's and 30's answers. Its true. In my 20's the world was my oyster. And if you had a child you didn't have me. One of my ex's lied to me about his daughter for 6 months. And it was easy because the child lived 3 hours away. Plus he hated his child's mother with a passion. When we met I asked , 1) your name 2) did you graduate from college 3) do you have kids. And if you answered those 3 questions to my liking, we kicked it.
But in my 30's I realize that I've become more accepting on 1 child only. Not even a set of twins. Just the 1 child will I deal with. And no child under the age of 5. I prefer the child be the result of a marriage (now divorced). It shows me that he is no longer interested in the woman. That that whole idea of 'once mines, always mine'. And the two of them have moved on completely.
And 1 is and will always be my limit on dating a man with a child. And if he's spending his time with me, the oweness is not on me to make sure he spends time with his child. That's his responsibility not mine. For him to say 'not this weekend, I'm hanging out with Jr' is cool by me.
So I do think its ok, as long as its 1 child. I will date a man with a child. But definetly not 2 or more. Can't be bothered with all of that.
Been there, done that bought the t-shirt. I'm convinced that I'm a kid magnet. I'd have to say at least 98% of the men I've been involved with over the last 5+ yrs all had kids. I'm resigned to the fact that I will be somebody''s stepmother (and to be honest it doesn't bother me). I'm 27 yrs old with no kids and I know that I'm a "rare breed". All my of close girlfriends have kids. I think as sad as it is, it's very difficult to find a partner (male or female) that is childless. And the odds are stacked even more against you if you want that person to be black. I'm originally from Toronto and I'd be hard pressed to find a single black man, that has some type of formal education and is "doing something" with his life. My fiance has kids who live with him, who I've met, and the baby mama drama is non-existent.
Like "Fly" above said:
"A lot of these blog posts deal with reason after reason why we shouldn’t date this or that person, and what would be a dealbreaker, etc. which, if you compile a list from the archives you would effectively eliminate most human beings"
I think going into relationships you can't be completely close-minded. So often we have these lists of "must haves" and "can't haves" and by doing that you shut yourself off to so many possibilities. Not to say that one shouldn't have standards but when you reach 40 and are still wondering why you're single…. I'm jus sayin'!
I love how you folks in your 20s throw around the word "never" like you've got life all mapped out like God loaned you his personal TomTom. You say you'll never date/marry a person with kids….I guarantee half of you will be eating those words as time goes on.
Shit (and by shit I mean life) happens. You may do things the "right" way, get that man/woman with no kids, start a family, and shyt doesn't work out (divorce rate is over 50% y'all….remember that). Now YOU are the one out here hoping that other folks don't have the same shortsighted attitude that you had.
To men who say they'll NEVER date a woman with kids….bitch, boo, bye as far as my dating life is concerned. Your loss. You may be missing out on A LOT of good women out here, because there are good and bad women both with and without kids. And if she's a good woman with her shyt in order, the baby daddy drama isn't an issue (same goes for guys). I'm not out here looking for a replacement daddy….my kids have a dad. And just because I have kids doesn't mean I can't have a family with someone new. Expand your definition of "family" people, and quit being so idealistic. That's a surefire way to set yourself up for disappointment and failure.
I am really feeling your response, i noticed that whole "never ever" response from the folks in their 20's but you know, they will live and learn.
It really speaks to why slim's uncle didn't want to "probably bag some college chicks, and I wonder what made him change his criteria?" HELL! please don't make me sit and have a long conversation with some dude in his 20's, PLEASE! (no offense to the twentysomethings on the page, but I do have kids you can relate to!)
Has being a parent affected your dating?
Fortunately I've been married for 17 years, however, I do have friends that are divorced and are trying to date with children. The men seem to be having an easier time than the women. The men also don't seem to mind if the woman already has children, because they are not looking for permanence nor a long term relationship.
The women are either content to be single or are looking for something pretty permanent in terms of a relationship. From what I've been told, the men are SO not looking for permanance and the women are a little frustrated. I can only speak on recently divorced people, I do not have any single friends with children that were never married.
in defense of why the men are not looking for permanance? They are paying so much money in alimony and child support that they don't want the responsibility of a relationship with anyone. most of these recently divorced men were earning well over six figures per year and most of the divorces were pretty nasty with houses being raped for equity, and most of the capital being paid out in attorney fees.
now they have every other weekend with their own children and the ex-wives still nickle and diming them over their percentage of a bathing suit for the swim team. I can truly understand them not looking for new relationships with permanance. Their best bet? ride it out until they're in their 50's, the children are grown and out of college and everyone has stopped being angry.
Amen! Co-sign! Fist-Bump!
Amen! Co-sign! Fist-Bump!
can you really blame a person who says they don't want to date someone who has children? we all have criteria of what we are looking for in a partner. children are one of those criteria. if i don't want to deal with that does that make me a monster?
nobody accused you of being a monster. the fact is that the longer you wait to get married (say into your 30's) the smaller your chances become of finding a person without children. once you get into your 40's the ratio becomes even smaller than that. it's just easy for a person in their 20's to state what they will or won't do because the world is still their oyster and older people know that.
Someone earlier noticed the difference in 20's and 30's answers. Its true. In my 20's the world was my oyster. And if you had a child you didn't have me. One of my ex's lied to me about his daughter for 6 months. And it was easy because the child lived 3 hours away. Plus he hated his child's mother with a passion. When we met I asked , 1) your name 2) did you graduate from college 3) do you have kids. And if you answered those 3 questions to my liking, we kicked it.
But in my 30's I realize that I've become more accepting on 1 child only. Not even a set of twins. Just the 1 child will I deal with. And no child under the age of 5. I prefer the child be the result of a marriage (now divorced). It shows me that he is no longer interested in the woman. That that whole idea of 'once mines, always mine'. And the two of them have moved on completely.
And 1 is and will always be my limit on dating a man with a child. And if he's spending his time with me, the oweness is not on me to make sure he spends time with his child. That's his responsibility not mine. For him to say 'not this weekend, I'm hanging out with Jr' is cool by me.
So I do think its ok, as long as its 1 child. I will date a man with a child. But definetly not 2 or more. Can't be bothered with all of that.
YES!!!!!! I agree 100%. I thought I was the only one with the under 5 no no rule. Preech!
what's the difference if it's 1 or 5? He's not taking you to hang out with Jr. when he picks him up anyway. I am really not getting your only 1 child limit, it doesn't make sense. If he had 1 or 5 children while he was married to the same person, he's still going to spend the same amount of time away from you when he sees them.
Very interesting post! I am 26 childless and determined to stay that way until I am married. I exhaust every method of birth control out there because I believe that children should be conceived with a commitment between 2 people. Life happens I know, but that's the way I get down. And I'd prefer someone who is like minded in that sense….not the dude that isn't concerned about his cum after its spilled ya feel me? Condoms folks…
I don't have a rule set in stone about not dating someone w/ kids but I do have an age rule. If the child is under 5 no way!!! I believe that there is a greater chance of the BM stuff to be resolved (although it may not be). I am a product of a step union and I have no doubt that my dad loves me as his own. I doubt I'd have a problem being a step parent so I don't mind a child. A child meaning 1. Now a AJ (God rest his soul) type dude with multiple BMs and chillins' running around and dude aint royalty I can't. One child limit in 1st grade or better we can talk. Anything else 'On to the next one.'
I'm 25 and childless. I don't wanna play Mommy (hell, I'm barely ready to play "house") so I would prefer the man I'm seeing to not have kids but I do leave the option open in that if I find a man who is worth it (aka love) I'd probably find some way to work it out. I'm pretty much known for me "I love kids…when I get to give them back to their parents!" mantra so I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it at this point of my life…but who knows where my heart will lead me. I leave that open…because as they say, "you never know".
On a sidenote, Imma need for niccas to stop this:
Nicca: Hey, what's yo name?
Cheekie: [Cheekie]
Nicca: Got any kids?
Cheekie: o___________________________O
Naw, Negro, do YOU?! STOP. IT.
If you don't want to date anyone with kids, then that's your prerogative! I don't believe in judging anyone with kids, but you have the right to know what you want… and especially if you have goals, dreams, and standards for yourself. And if you're bringing certain qualities to the table (non-smoking, no kids, etc.) then why should you settle for less than yourself?
I'm also of the mind that you can choose to do what you want to do, but you can't choose the consequences. You can choose to have sex, protected or unprotected, before marriage… but you can't choose the consequences. If you happen to have a child/children, then you have to deal with the responsibility of that. I'm sure you'd make a great spouse, but not for me! If I'm living a certain way, then I have the right to want to get married, and then have kids. And if I'm in my 30's and still haven't gotten married, I'm still holding on to that… the world is too big and there are too many people to "settle." If you want something, and you have faith, then hold on to that faith.
Now once you do get married, have kids, and go about things, "the right way." It's up to you and your spouse to make it work… despite the stats or divorce rates. If you divorce, then you have to deal with the fact that you have to start over, date again, etc.
Playa 4 life. what up streetz?
LOL huh?
jus payin props
cuz I'm jaded. extremely. it's easier to live the bachelor life.
At least you're honest about it.
only way to be.
I'm 33 with no children. Being that I live in Milwaukee, which perenially has one of the highest teen pregnancy rates in the nation, it is virtually impossible to find a woman in her mid to late 20's with no children. And a large percentage of them that don't have children do not because of their…umm…cosmetic deficiencies.
Maybe my standards have waned over the years, but I could date a woman with a child, depending on what else she is bringing to the table (and it better be a lot!). However, you have to have patience if you go down that road, because you will deal with competing for time with the kids, trying to find a sitter, kids all up in your face when you visit, kids becoming attached to you, and many other issues. I had a woman's children calling me dad (in the sagacious words of Fat Albert, that ain't cool!). It is probably worth it for the right woman, but if you need to be sure of what you want before you date a woman with children.
lmao @ "cosmetic deficiencies" . *shots fired*
This is a great topic, and glad that you touched upon it. I'm 26 going on 27, and I don't have any children. For awhile I was like many of those who have commented stating either before or currently they wouldn't date a guy/ female who had a child. I too didn't want to be bothered with all the drama, discipline issues, knowing there would always be four of us in the relationship (you, me,babychild, and babymom dupree) it was a bit too much for me. I decided that maybe I was being harsh, and decided to try dating someone who had a child.
He had a daughter and we met, albeit it wasn't a planned meeting he kinda just threw her on me, but being the tactful person I am I took it all in stride and it went well. However what did turn me off was that he treated his daughter like an after thought. No bueno in my book! In a nutshell though he seemed put together he was a hot mess and we broke up based on the fact that we weren't as compatible as we thought, and I did not care for how he was treating his child. And though I respectfully voiced to him my concerns I realized what good would it do? She's not my child. But I cared about her at that point and of her wellbeing.
And from that experience I learned that I wouldn't mind dating a guy with a child (1 only pls) but for the future I definitely look out to see how he relates to his child and if he values them as a blessing or not in his world.
And kudos to those who opt to date or not date a mate with or without children. My best friend is dating a guy with three kids and he's 27 (twin boys and a girl) and I tell her all the time she's a superstar because I don't know many women who would in their mid 20's.
I'll be the big 3-0 in mid December and my SO of 6 months has a 7 yr old. I guess I seem to be the minority in the comment section today…I knew him from high school we dated off and on through college and somehow have found our way back together. When I found out about this son of course I was a bit taken off guard. But I was more interested in knowing how he interacted with this is son and his son's mother.
She is an AWESOME woman and mother–the best a girl in my situation could ask for! Real talk. I didn't wanna met juior until I knew the SO were serious–not a fan of kids being put in situations like that.
So far so good. I always let him know that his son holds priority in his life and I will NEVER ask him to choose between me and his children. He does his fatherly thing and I am proud of it. Knowing his is a good father makes me respect him even more as a man.
Yeah to each his own, but I will never discredit a real man for being a real father…
I'm actually surprised I didn't see more people share the same sentiment as you. Hmm…
I am a divorced/single mom with 4 children. I am 33. I find if the man has children, it makes it THAT MUCH HARDER for us to get together. However, I have never once had a guy ask me if I have kids, and when I say, yes, 4, have the guy reject me. That has NEVER happened.
I think many people on this site (most) are very idealistic, and I hope they find what they are looking for. Seems that they are mostly single and childless, so seems they have NOT found what they are looking for yet. I am QUITE flexible with my standards, but that would be because I need to be. I'm not delusional. I'm constantly surprised how much play I DO get, considering the way it must look from the outside.
Great replies…
I AM a single mother. Before I had my child I shied away from men with children mainly because I didn't want any baby mama drama. My child's father and I have a working relationship, there's no drama, no misunderstandings. I think his wife is a beautiful woman inside and out and she's a great influence on our child.
At present the man in my life is divorced with 2 minor children. We speak the same language. He has great respect for his ex (no drama).There was no rush to meet each other's children nor to have them interact. If I didn't think he was a keeper she would never have meet him. When he stays over I prefer she not be here. That will change in time I'm sure. She does se us interact and is digusted.LOL.
I would never date a man who does not take care of his children financially or who doesn't have a relationship with them. A bad relationship with the mother is a red flag too. My child does not need another daddy and I make that known and if you can't deal with my being a parent well it's been nice…
Man where do I start. At 33 I have been dealing wit this since 91! The shit is nuts, simply cuz tons of young black wmn don't have a thing going on but what's between their legs. I am seeing one, I say seein cuz what she has done in the year we have known each other shows what happens when wmn get knocked up by jackasses they initially liked. Our first date she was late 40 min cuz of son she never said she had, though I heard him crying over the jack. She comes from a real bougie/chi-chi world where I feel she thought she was better than all those teen moms. All of her friends are basically RHOA wanna be's and cast offs. They are also trapped in lousy fake ass relationships.
About 2 months into datin her the baby's father broke to Cali hasn't called for his son once. Once he left I knew things would get dicey & they have. Somehow she gets no help from fam nor her bougie friends, she's semi employed over 33 years. In the 3 yrs datin her childs father she never learned to drive nor got her degree in journalism, so now in a dwindling print media (esp urban) she's totally screwed. We haven't gone a real date since Dec 08. What we do now is she texts never calls to see "what's up" and that she is "free" for a few hours yada,yada. Actual planned dates? The latest was the 17th, around the 1st she wanted to hang I suggested bowlin she was wit it. Then them noreasters came through and being responsible she canceled her sons trip. I am not pissed @ that but it was when she backdoor plan B askin if I saw "where the wild things are". I knew rite there she wanted to bring her son which we haven't dated consistent enuff for that. Here I was re arranging shootin dates and editing sessions also preparing for the date then she cancels, I lost it and threw her under the bus on 3 ways eff em Fridays. I am 33 wit no kids I won't be datin a BM for a long time.
I'm late on this post but decided to post anyways! I'm a single mother. I have no baby daddy (I hate saying that)drama what so ever. I have no trouble dating nor lack men who are interested! Everyone keeps saying how they won't date single parents but what if it were you in the same shoes. Do you know what the divorce rate is? You could easily get married, have a child then get a divorce in a matter of years. Then what? Your spouse could leave one day and never return. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. I understand that people have standards and you should never settle but think about if it was you in the same position as that single parent! Stuff doesn't always work exactly like we plan. Its called life! Oh btw I'm a long time luker but this is my first time posting. I adore this blog…keep up the good work fellas:)!
SBF 24 no kids but I will date a guy with a child. If he was married, I'll accept more than one child, but if he's never been married 1 is the limit. (Putting my hypocritical foot in my mouth in 5, 4, 3, 2, …) I did, however, recently end a relationship with a guy who has never been married and has an 11 yr old and recently had a baby boy (while we were openly dating).
Never mind my said issues (I fell in love AFTER finding out about baby #2–did I mention that I'm still in love with him?), but I do feel that my fellow peers in their late teens and early twenties are setting ourselves up for failure if we don't "bend" a little.
As a product of a single mother, I am not condoning that I repeat the cycle, but had my stepfather not seen her as the wonderful person that she really is vs a BM, God only knows where we would be. He took it upon himself to take up the slack for my deadbeat dad and pay for my extracurricular activities, college tuition and still breaks his not so lil princess off with a lil change from time to time.
:sigh: I say all of that to say, I personally see a lot of double standards when it comes to unwed parents interested in seeking meaningful relationships with parents, but I digress cuz I need to take my foot out of my mouth now!
I used to say that any man I dated had to have kids also, so he could relate to being a parent since I am one. He'd know the concerns, the joys and other things such as, time issues,
However, now that my boys are much older (1 in college and the other about to graduate high school)… I am not dating a man with kids under 16. I think now, I am too selfish with my time…I want him to be as free as I am to get up and leave without having too man worries.
I date regularly, so I guess it's worked for me, Am I passing up on a good man because of my preferences? Probably but I think a lot of us pass up on good mates daily…plus, I am not looking for Mr. Right…just Mr. Take-me-to-dinner-and-buy-me-a-drink-or-two-and-maybe-watch-a-movie-and-cuddle-then-you-go-home.
I dated with two children. I made sure that the girls never met the guy unless I thought it was going to be serious. I didn't want them to become emotionally involved for better or worse. I actually found someone six years ago who loved me and my children with no second thoughts…at least that's what he told me. We have been married now for 3 years and just had another baby. She is beautiful! He proudly says that he has three girls. I guess I am fortunate after reading through all of the posts.
So, I just found this post, but it is interesting the way you signed it 'Childless to the best of my knowledge.' What happens if you found yourself in a serious relationship, headed straight for marriage, but you/your SO suddenly found out you had a kid?
The question becomes much trickier then, especially when you are talking about this person joining your family and your mama not looking to kindly upon this new kid!
What say you, Mr. Jackson?
(…here's hoping you answer…)
I honestly don't know what I'd do the situation. I'm not trying to be a bad dad, so I'd have to man up and support the child. If I didn't cheat on the boo to create that kid, I don't think she really has a right to be angry but I can see why she'd be uncomfortable. I also know that my mom wouldn't trip out either. She's all about men taking care of their children and I'm pretty sure she'd want to help the kid out as well. It is tricky though.
How's that for a speedy response? lol.
that speedy response=awesomness.com. but what about the woman's mother? mom's always think their daughter can do better…she would want to see him step up of course, but she might have second thoughts about her daughter staying, no?
That's a pretty big conditional/hypothetical situation. Some mom's really do just want to see their daughter be happy. I think I'd know up front if I was dating a woman with a snoody mom. I've dated people with snoody parents in the past. And quite honestly, the boo should be making dating decisions and not the mother. I think I may have my post for next week…hmm.
Ha! Can't wait to read it!
Late Late Late by four months, but I just wanted to add that I am 27, single, no children and since the age of 17 every guy I have dated has had a child/ren. I have finally decided that its NOT FOR ME. I cant understand why older individuals with children seem to take this statement personally and imply that we are living in a pie in the sky world – that's not the case.
There are plenty of single individuals who do not have children. I mostly date older guys and have met several 30 to 40 year olds who have no children and still look forward to having them. I am in no rush to get married and know that past experiences have led me to understand the issues that come with dating someone with children. It does not matter what the relationship with the ex happens to be.
Telling single people to get over this dreamworld of childlessness is obviously coming from a selfish place. You don't get that it is not about the individual being a good person or not. Like I said, I have dated guys with kids and some were great people, so what. All the things that would be exciting about MY first child would be just another run for them. I think instead of trying to make single people understand all the "good points" about dating someone with kids you should see that the issue isn't the individual, but the connection created through that child with another individual. You will always have atleast a foursome and I don't think it is fair. It seems illogical to say oh it's okay to date someone who has kids because they may be a great person, etc etc, but not accept that single people who do not want to be with individuals with children have the same odds of meeting someone equally great without children. They may be missing out on a wonderful single person by believing they need to consider someone with children because "pickins are slim".
It's ridiculous.
I'm late..very late responding to this, but I'm dating a man with 2 "baby mama's. 4 kids, technically 3. Long story.
With the first women the kids are grown and she's married. The 2nd one the kids are teenagers.
I thought I could handle it because I love children and I don't have any kids of my own. But the baby mama drama exist between me and the 2nd lady and its soley because my bf wasn't honest with the both of us. He told me that they was broken up for over a year and I found out it was like 5 months. If I knew that upfront I wouldn't have dated him because its still alot of emotional attachments there and he didn't really tell her about me until like months into it. Plus, they wasn't married in the traditonal since but they were together for like 15-16 yrs or something.
So I come into the picture really oblivious to the drama because he wasn't honest with me. He was fearful of telling me the truth because he thought I wouldn't talk to him, but he didn't give me a chance to make that decision for myself. I'm a easy-going person for the most part, I didn't know that my bf was drama driven. So alot of problems that go on in our relationship, he has caused them. I met the 1st "baby mama" a week ago and we clicked. I guess because we have similar personalities.
I got one foot out the door. People are so quick to tell you to walk away, but its hard when you care and love someone.
I tell you this, if we don't work out, I will never date a man with kids anymore unless the ex is not in the same city or out-of-state.
@Slim I commend you for being honest………I think a lot of times you find men and women that will date someone (whether they are divorced, have kids or just not their type) and overlook the standards that they have set. I am sure you are a great catch not only because of your creative mind but you are frat as well…..jk. But seriously I think that to each its own but to stay honest date with standards and if your standards includes no baby mommas, divorcees or women that don't shave then hey that is what you should stick to. I think it will just help keep the divorce rate down!!!! **Roz
This is definitely an interesting article and like all the 20 something year olds, I too said never to dating a man with kids. I was college educated and wanted that special experience of starting a family and life together with someone with no outside interference. I am now 30 years old with a one year old daughter. I got involved in a relationship with my best friend of 15 years. He wanted marriage and kids. The relationship ended during the pregnancy simply due to his immaturity and possibly not wanting the commitment of children but the convenience. So I am now single and with a child and forced to be more open minded with who I date and concerned about who would date me because of my situation.
So you never know what situation you may be in even when you plan things out. You may still end up being that single woman with a child.
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