It’s not quite the most wonderful time of the year, but everyone looks forward to Halloween, especially now that we’re grown and can get hopped up on booze instead of candy. Along with the boozin’ and candy there is gonna come some trickin’, and possibly some treatin’ if you trick hard enough. And why the hell not? I’m sure some of you fellas have wanted to put the beats to Wonder Woman or Beyonce, and this weekend may be as close as you come to it. But please beware, it is Halloween and some scary ish could happen to you out there, so be sure to check up on it before you try to fly away with someone this weekend. Here’s a few things to look out for while you’re trying to bag up some treats:
Fangs and Interviews with Vampires
The only thing worse than not getting blessed down low, is actually getting blessed but having it feel more like a curse. I don’t know how this work for the ladies, but I think I can speak for the fellas when I say being bitten during a mouth hug is just as bad as a swift kick to the nuts. If the head is just bad, you can usually sit thru it and wait for it to be over, but once you’re bitten, you feel the need to stop immediately and determine whether enough damage has been done that would warrant reporting it to the authorities. Normally I’d say a little teeth is fine, but some people don’t know what “a little” teeth means, and some poeple just don’t have little teeth. So if you bump into someone this weekend that has more teeth than Diddy, you might wanna Jay/Swizz ’em. (Copyright – Streetztalk, 1906:2009)
Cobbwebbs and Crawlin’ Creatures
Cobbwebbs could go either way. If you are literally blowing dust off some sh*t before the throwdown, then you might want to make up an excuse and exit expeditiously. But if we’re talkin’ about some figurative webbs, then this might be a good thing. You could walk away from the whole thing with your victim partner thinking you are some sort of sex god. Or, if you’re on the lazy side, you can get away with two pumps and a dump, cuz it’s been so long since they’ve had sex they’ll be happy for whatever they can get. As far as the creepy crawlers, unfortunately you won’t know about those ’til after the deed is done, so I can’t help you there. All I can say is, unless you have a Red Lobster doggy bag, don’t bring any crabs home with you this weekend.
The Ghosts of P*ssy and D*ck Past
This can be a problem year round, but Halloween is kinda like the opening act for Thanksgiving and Christmas. So needless to say some people that are no longer in relationships may have some fond Halloween memories. Like the year they went out with their SO dressed like Bobby and Whitney (which doesn’t really require too much dressing up…just some powder around your nose). Whether it’s a one night stand your looking for, or trying to seal the deal with someone you been kickin’ it with for a while, if they start the majority of their sentences with “my ex…”, don’t waste your time, unless you’re into S&M…or the sappy listening type.
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall…
On a normal night, enough Patron can make Raekwon look like Blair Underwood and Venus Williams look like Serena (and maybe even make an Alpha say “roo”) (Pause?….yeah, pause) Just imagine the tricks your mind could play on you at a bar while you’re staring at VenusWilliams in fishnet stockings and a tiny catholic school girl outfit all dressed up for Halloween…Here’s the math: 3 henny and nuvo’s + 3 shots of patron + 2 fuzzy nipples + whatever you were sippin on before you got there x Venus Williams in a catholic schoolgirl outfit on Halloween = Halle Berry. Thinking you slept with Halle Berry and waking up next to Venus Williams would be very tragic. This is a definitely a weekend to count on your wing-personnel to guide you correctly.
That’s all I got. No advice for ya on how to avoid these things. I’m not the Dr., he’s usually in on Thursdays. I can only hope to give you something to think as about as you pillage the streets this weekend part taking in sinful debauchery. Just make sure you know what you’re getting into. Unless you’re into that sorta thing…then this may be the weekend you ground and pound Wonder Woman. Either way, good luck my friends.
The Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, Dressing Like Bobby Brown for Halloween