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I Can Transform Ya

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This about the only transforming that's happenin!

Here’s an email I received earlier this year that I answered for Examiner. Not too many people got to see it or comment. I got a lot of questions about this recently and decided to re-up for the people and update it with more thoughts. Enjoy!

One young lady sent me this question that I’ve heard sisters, friends, and lovers echo:

Do men ever change? Are they the same men as husbands that they were as boyfriends? Do men ever change for women?

Let me break down the 3 questions for you

#1 Do men EVER Change? – Hell No! Y’all got hyped off of Obama. I didn’t have to hear about changing for a few months, then Barry wants to go and ruin it for EVERYONE by preaching change this, change that. Now Y’all chicks want to demand that we provide change you can believe in. Well I’m here to say put away your “Yes We Can” buttons and be easy. LOL!

Seriously, men DO change. Men change. Women change. PEOPLE change. They change for better or for worse. So to say that men will never change would deny the normal evolutionary patterns of humans and culture! Men definitely change. That was easy! **Clicks Easy Button**

I still feel this way. The hardest part was admitting it to myself. Sometimes, men know this subconsciously and don’t realize it until a crossroads event occurs witha  significant other. I hope most of you dudes can find this out beore then.

#2 Are they the same men as husbands that they were as boyfriends? – The answer to this is dynamic. Men are the same people as who you first met, it’s just that they play different roles. Husbands have to serve as a role model to children, home provider (or co home provider), protector and companion to their wives. Boyfriends can be around for the long haul, or for the short term. Your journey as a couple defines whether or not he can uphold some of the many tasks of a husband. A person is always true to the core, so you must know this before making things officially official. To be honest, if you and your S/O didn’t progress and evolve as a couple, beyond the BS of the world, the hating friends, the crazy family members, and the crazy arguments, why get married in the first place?

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We constantly change. Men and women. We change for different reasons, and sometimes we change because we HAVE to change. Changes occur due to circumstances, for survival, and many other reasons. No changes here!

#3 Do Men EVER change for women? – This is my favorite question to answer, because I think all men have to answer this to themselves and others at some point in their life. Here’s the truth: Some men may change for a woman, but I would guarantee that those relationships either fail or have many issues (unless dude is weak and shorty is manipulative and likes her men docile). When a man compromises his true self for the sake of a woman, he resents himself. He feels like he fakes his way through the relationship, for the sake of keeping the peace. There might be things he changed that he absolutely loved about himself, and things he HATES about you, but he will keep his mouth shut so no arguments occur. This creates an unhealthy and risky situation for the couple. All it will take is one big fight about nothing to have the man pour out everything he hates about his S/O and how he resents her for “making him change”. I believe maturity provides the catalyst for true change in men. We operate on our own time schedule, and when the time is right, we will change. No, I don’t know the timetable for change, this is not the Iraq War withdrawal plan, it’s relationships. I do know that some men meet women at the wrong times, when they won’t change a thing about themselves, and the women either accept it or leave. Then you see the dude with a new shorty a month later and you ask what happened? I believe a situation, either with a previous girlfriend, a family tragedy, or major accomplishments and achievements, force men to think futuristic and aim to better themselves. They may also change if they actually agree with what you propose is “wrong” with them.

See Also:  Dating a Married Woman

Men, you need to re-evaluate yourselves, and if you respect the relationship, and empathize with your shorty, attempt to correct your errors. This shows great maturity and growth. Some things may be nagging and bitching on the womans side, but understand that a relationship is about sacrifice and compromise. As long as what you change doesn’t force you to be a faux version of self, and can actually be progressive, why not? Just don’t turn it into an “I do what I want” situations, because that doesn’t end up well for any of us!

Nagging, complaining, and other actions won’t force these changes ladies. You need to evaluate what you want to change in your man, whether it’s minor (I can live with it) or major (change this or I’m OUT!). Just PLEASE, for me, understand that as men, we also become tolerant of your “ways”, but I find men accept women’s fault easier that women accept men’s faults, or at least you won’t hear us complain about it until you pull our card about our ways! *ducks flying Louboutins*

Reader’s, please chime in on this subject. Do you think men change for women? Can women force a man to change? What change is necessary and what’s tolerable? Scream at me!!

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Streetz

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Comment(35)

  1. Oh, this was a good read! I definitely will share this with others. I do agree that men change but on their own time as does anyone else. The part you said about men changing for the women then resenting them later I find very interesting and very true whether they realize it now or later it happens. I actually know of someone that maybe going through this but doesn't really realize the hurt he's causing them both for being dishonest with himself, but hopefully in due time he or she will realize the truth. I don't think any change should be done for someone else, but for yourself because you have to live with you at the end of the day. Now I'm not saying someone doesn't make you want to change, but I do believe your opinion of why you should change should overall all to keep that resentment to a minimum or nonexistent.

    1. I actually know of someone that maybe going through this but doesn’t really realize the hurt he’s causing them both for being dishonest with himself, but hopefully in due time he or she will realize the truth.

      ^^

      Thank you for the love. Definitely send dude the blog ASAP! He needs to realize this before going down that dark road!

  2. "…I find men accept women’s fault easier that women accept men’s faults…"

    Yea I don't agree w/ that at all. Most of the time, it's the women that have to accept a man and chalk up his behavior to "that's just how he is." Men may not be as confrontational, but they show displeasure by turning to porn, other women, or whatever his vice may be.

    I do agree w/ all people change. There was an email I received that said that women get married and expect their men to change, and they don't. And men get married expecting their wife to stay the same and she doesn't. So that goes to show that men and women just have different views.

    1. Trust me, men accept womens faults more. A man will bounce if he's not satisfied, because we subscribe to the "more fish in the sea" mentality. If he stays, he either a) tolerates it enough to not make it an issue b) doesnt have an issue or c) is trickin on you

      1. I know it to be true. My boyfriend accepts a lot of my behavior, versus I, do not. lol. well not without bitching first. this post was very good, and introspective for me!

  3. "When a man compromises his true self for the sake of a woman, he resents himself. He feels like he fakes his way through the relationship, for the sake of keeping the peace. There might be things he changed that he absolutely loved about himself, and things he HATES about you, but he will keep his mouth shut so no arguments occur. This creates an unhealthy and risky situation for the couple. All it will take is one big fight about nothing to have the man pour out everything he hates about his S/O and how he resents her for “making him change”."

    this put a lot of things in perspective as to one of the things that went wrong with my ex. but now i find myself at the same crossroad with the new boo. this time around I'm not trying to change him for my own purposes. I'm trying to help him change for the better. i guess it can now be deemed as one of those "change this or I'm out" scenarios. i just feel like that's an ultimatum and i don't really like ultimatums. i know i don't follow them, so why should he?

  4. I feel as though… men will change for themselves which may include things they want. A man changes for a woman, not because she asks him to change, but because he wants that woman and he needs to change to have her. I've seen many of men outside the club talking about how they don't buy chicks drinks or would never pop a bottle. They walk in the club and see a gang of redbones and lose they damn mind. Next thing you know they are clutching half empty Nuvo bottles.

    I have never been married, but I do know that I won't be the same as a boyfriend. As a boyfriend you always hold a little back because you may not be together forever so you don't give 100, you may only give 85. However, once you're married you're a) together forever, b) your priorities are different, therefore you change.

    1. "men will change for themselves which may include things they want"

      Well stated!!! I always say do what you want and I'll respond to actions. Its a good way to see if a dude is actually interested after he beats cuz we know a brother will become Obama in order to get some ass.

      Excellent point in marriage. You adjust to your priorities.

  5. Men definitely CAN change, but will only do so from *internal* motivations. "I believe a situation, either with a previous girlfriend, a family tragedy, or major accomplishments and achievements, force men to think futuristic and aim to better themselves." That's the key thing right there. Unfortunately it may take you leaving for him to realize that he should do better from now on if he wants to keep a good woman, but it is what it is.

    On the other hand (although the women who read this blog know better), many women will twist themselves into a pretzel trying to fit whatever box a man wants to put them in.

    1. Unfortunately it may take you leaving for him to realize that he should do better from now on if he wants to keep a good woman, but it is what it is.

      ^^^

      I firmly believe that if you want a man, don't pull the "leave him to wake him up move". If you're gonna go, GO! Don't look back. If you have to break-up with your dude to get results consistently, he's not who you thought he was!

  6. I do believe that some men will change for a women. Some men aren't ready to step up to the plate, yet. And some men, don't have a choice. I've seen all three time and time again. After you reach different milestones in your life, you would think that some people will change. Doesn't always work that way. Take my baby's daddy as an example. He just turned the big "4" "0" a few months ago. Did that ninja change? Nope. He thinks by hanging out with young folks, he will regain some of his youth back. Go get a job and provide for your family. Be a man. Be a role model. I can't wait until the day he wakes up and smell the coffee. It'll be the happiest day of my life.

  7. This is real talk right now. Change is one of the few things that men cannot see the immediate impacts of. Men see change in the past (see where they went wrong) and see it in the future (how they can prevent the same experiences from occurring). We dont see how change can effect where we are now. Women are better at this.

  8. I'm kind of new.. so this is the best SBM post I have ever read.

    Men change b/c life changes. Men already know what kind of father they want to be, but since he is not a father.. no need for him to act like THAT right now. So when the kids do come, you might see a change, however its already planned. Planned change is perfectly acceptable.

  9. "When a man compromises his true self for the sake of a woman, he resents himself. He feels like he fakes his way through the relationship, for the sake of keeping the peace. There might be things he changed that he absolutely loved about himself, and things he HATES about you, but he will keep his mouth shut so no arguments occur. "

    i've been in this situation before. resentment is a terrible thing when it comes to relationships. you are supposed to be able to want to go to them and be with them instead of the opposite. you end up hating that person. sad.

    1. Yeah I had to lear that the hard way. I've been in a few positions where I compromised my beliefs for the sake of another, and when they didn't appreciate it, or me, I flipped and hated myself for conforming.

  10. I have to say your true self never changes. There are "adjustments" but who you are does not change.

    I think you are talkin adjustment vs. change. We are who we thought we were are and that's it.

    I've never understood a woman's need to change a man. If he's not what you want, then go find him. Meh.

    1. "I’ve never understood a woman’s need to change a man. If he’s not what you want, then go find him."

      Thank you.

      Although this may not always be the circumstance, I don't think it is fair to allow someone into your life – compromising your standards – and then later expect a dramatic change to occur to match what you ACTUALLY want. In human relationships, change is inevitable, so we shouldn't worry about the men changing, they will; as will women. Perhaps getting to know someone a little better [even getting to know the rate at which they mature and self-reflect for the better] should be a decent indicator. People stay changing, there is so much positivity in that – that is the type of change I believe should be matched. And if it so happens your SO is not matching up with that, maybe its not meant to be at that moment in time? Trying to change who people truly are is a #fail unless you are doing it in hopes of helping them better themselves.

  11. Yeah, see, I don't believe a healthy relationship will consist of a man changing for a woman. Hell, I'm not sure I would even WANT a man who would change just because I told him to. I would want any man — any PERSON — to change for themselves. Because if he does change for me, and only me, he will only grow to resent me. Resenting the boo is not what's boiling in the boulevard. Furthermore, the simple fact that I would want to change who he is would just be proof that I don't want HIM. It's like me asking him to go through some Steve Urquel to Stephon Arquell machine. I either want him or I don't.

    1. Furthermore, the simple fact that I would want to change who he is would just be proof that I don’t want HIM. It’s like me asking him to go through some Steve Urquel to Stephon Arquell machine. I either want him or I don’t.

      ^^

      THIS! I don't know why women don't get this at times! I remember one relationship where she wanted me to do a bunch of stuff I didn't do. I explained that i woudl try to do thos ethings for her, but naturally it aint me. She then proceeded 2 keep tallies in her head of everytime a situation occurred where I didn't "do what she wanted" as opposed to when i did. As usual, I got no credit for trying or success and all the blame for failure. This is why Im so picky and cautious now. I refuse to go through that again.

    1. Streetz,

      Generally, NO. I think men are more willing to deal with whom she is for a variety of reasons that women are not.

      *puttin on and adjusting sociologist cap*

      Men in this country are socialized to believe that women are "better'' than we are so we put up with more because we aren't "right."

      *Taking cap off*

      I also think men have learned from each other and their boyz, that you can't change too much you either deal or you don't. So we deal. Fin.

    2. I think women are more likely to listen to a man. And I think there is a bigger difference between what a single women does and a women who is with someone.

      You will hear a single sista say "I would never cook for a man. I'm an independent lady. Neyo wrote that song about me"

      after she catches some paynus

      "baby do you want some eggs? take my car. Let me cater to you"

  12. Hm.
    As far as men accepting women's flaws more.. I disagree.

    I think women are much more likely to "settle" than men are, and I believe the reason men may appear to be more "accepting of flaws" is because men seem less likely to get in a relationship with somebody who has flaws they can't tolerate, than women are.

    "Men seem to be a lot more picky about who they'll commit to, but at least once they make that leap they've already learned & accepted the woman as she is, without any expectation or even desire to change her.

    Women? Not so much the case. It's like they automatically label any flaw a man has as "something I can work on later" (Women love that, don't they? Projects. "Let me take this poor hurt/jaded/broken/flawed man and show him that I'm such a good woman that he'll have no choice but to change" -_- ) They'll accept less than what they really want because they believe they can break him down and build him back up into whatever megaman they have in mind."
    http://icecelia.blogspot.com/2009/05/you-dont-lik

    1. Cecelia I could write a THESIS on the #projectSwindle by both men AND women! You just inspired me…. wow!

      I cosign but you have to appreciate a man who kows what he wants and rocks with those wo,men… the men who stay with a woman who's flawed in their eyes is weak, naive, and delusional!

  13. "I cosign but you have to appreciate a man who knows what he wants and rocks with those women… the men who stay with a woman who’s flawed in their eyes is weak, naive, and delusional!"

    I totally, wholeheartedly agree! No one's forced to put up with anything so why just tolerate when you can have what you desire all in the name of love. I shall pass this on to facebook! Is there a way I can just share or link it as opposed to copying and pasting?

  14. I know from experience that men can change women so I think anyone can change anyone if they allow them to. Will they be happy about it later? That depends. I just got through writing to a male friend and letting him know that if the change was something small then go for it because it will make you both happier in the end. If it was something that would be completely changing a part of him or who he was then he could try if he wanted to, but he would have to be careful to not become resentful. It sucks not liking the person lying next to you (or yourself for allowing them to change you), I've been there.

    As far as who accepts faults more, I would have no idea because I can never get anyone to tell me mine! Not that I'm going to change myself to a point I couldn't live with, but I would like to know some of them. If they continually piss you off and when we get in a huge fight you wanna bring them up and add "I've been saying this forever…" or "you do this allllll the time…" I'm stuck feeling like you've completely lost your mind! As much as I know I've won my category, I know I'm not perfect and I do things you don't like; its okay to tell me about them. Just let me know where the conversation is going and don't yell at me or try to make me feel stupid and I can accept what you have to say and do something about it…or not.

    1. You need those real friends in your life that'll tell you when your ish stinks… people try to follow a fine line between being rude and being real.

      We all know our close friends faults. its whetehr or not we decide to tell them.

      Great comment!

      1. Thanks for the reply!

        Ok, ok, so I got the friends who will check me if needed, but I'm pretty much the Charlotte in my "If we were Sex and the City characters" bunch, so I have the most relationship experience and therefore wont trust too much of that kind of advice from my friends. I just need for my man to appropriately check me if needed…so I guess men do just accept stuff more because I ask them what's up and I usually get nothing.

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