Here’s an email I received earlier this year that I answered for Examiner. Not too many people got to see it or comment. I got a lot of questions about this recently and decided to re-up for the people and update it with more thoughts. Enjoy!
One young lady sent me this question that I’ve heard sisters, friends, and lovers echo:
Do men ever change? Are they the same men as husbands that they were as boyfriends? Do men ever change for women?
Let me break down the 3 questions for you
#1 Do men EVER Change? – Hell No! Y’all got hyped off of Obama. I didn’t have to hear about changing for a few months, then Barry wants to go and ruin it for EVERYONE by preaching change this, change that. Now Y’all chicks want to demand that we provide change you can believe in. Well I’m here to say put away your “Yes We Can” buttons and be easy. LOL!
Seriously, men DO change. Men change. Women change. PEOPLE change. They change for better or for worse. So to say that men will never change would deny the normal evolutionary patterns of humans and culture! Men definitely change. That was easy! **Clicks Easy Button**
I still feel this way. The hardest part was admitting it to myself. Sometimes, men know this subconsciously and don’t realize it until a crossroads event occurs witha significant other. I hope most of you dudes can find this out beore then.
#2 Are they the same men as husbands that they were as boyfriends? – The answer to this is dynamic. Men are the same people as who you first met, it’s just that they play different roles. Husbands have to serve as a role model to children, home provider (or co home provider), protector and companion to their wives. Boyfriends can be around for the long haul, or for the short term. Your journey as a couple defines whether or not he can uphold some of the many tasks of a husband. A person is always true to the core, so you must know this before making things officially official. To be honest, if you and your S/O didn’t progress and evolve as a couple, beyond the BS of the world, the hating friends, the crazy family members, and the crazy arguments, why get married in the first place?
We constantly change. Men and women. We change for different reasons, and sometimes we change because we HAVE to change. Changes occur due to circumstances, for survival, and many other reasons. No changes here!
#3 Do Men EVER change for women? – This is my favorite question to answer, because I think all men have to answer this to themselves and others at some point in their life. Here’s the truth: Some men may change for a woman, but I would guarantee that those relationships either fail or have many issues (unless dude is weak and shorty is manipulative and likes her men docile). When a man compromises his true self for the sake of a woman, he resents himself. He feels like he fakes his way through the relationship, for the sake of keeping the peace. There might be things he changed that he absolutely loved about himself, and things he HATES about you, but he will keep his mouth shut so no arguments occur. This creates an unhealthy and risky situation for the couple. All it will take is one big fight about nothing to have the man pour out everything he hates about his S/O and how he resents her for “making him change”. I believe maturity provides the catalyst for true change in men. We operate on our own time schedule, and when the time is right, we will change. No, I don’t know the timetable for change, this is not the Iraq War withdrawal plan, it’s relationships. I do know that some men meet women at the wrong times, when they won’t change a thing about themselves, and the women either accept it or leave. Then you see the dude with a new shorty a month later and you ask what happened? I believe a situation, either with a previous girlfriend, a family tragedy, or major accomplishments and achievements, force men to think futuristic and aim to better themselves. They may also change if they actually agree with what you propose is “wrong” with them.
Men, you need to re-evaluate yourselves, and if you respect the relationship, and empathize with your shorty, attempt to correct your errors. This shows great maturity and growth. Some things may be nagging and bitching on the womans side, but understand that a relationship is about sacrifice and compromise. As long as what you change doesn’t force you to be a faux version of self, and can actually be progressive, why not? Just don’t turn it into an “I do what I want” situations, because that doesn’t end up well for any of us!
Nagging, complaining, and other actions won’t force these changes ladies. You need to evaluate what you want to change in your man, whether it’s minor (I can live with it) or major (change this or I’m OUT!). Just PLEASE, for me, understand that as men, we also become tolerant of your “ways”, but I find men accept women’s fault easier that women accept men’s faults, or at least you won’t hear us complain about it until you pull our card about our ways! *ducks flying Louboutins*
Reader’s, please chime in on this subject. Do you think men change for women? Can women force a man to change? What change is necessary and what’s tolerable? Scream at me!!