Deny Everything

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I’m sorry, I am planning on completely switching the game up on y’all so I want to get a couple more oldies but goodies, while I stack the cannon.  This is a FaceBook note of mine from 2008.  I actually think that this holds true every day of a man’s life.

Gchat Conversation

Miss Jay, Esq.: idk what I would do if I was on the end of an accusing phone call that just went out of control
me: you want to know what the man rules say
i’ll tell you
deny everything…
if you get caught in bed with another girl
you now have a twin
just act like it isn’t you
“i wish you would stop calling me jackson, my name is james.”

There are three important parts to this note, If caught cheating; (1) Deny everything, (2) Break up with the person immediately, (3) Your @ss shouldn’t have got caught.

I think I speak for all real men in attendance when I say that every man should carry around a pocket size personal copy of his Miranda rights, reserve any comment until after the discovery phase, and reserve their opening statement for after the prosecution has presented their case. In the case that you are caught in the act, immediately jump up and act as if you have a twin. “I wish you would stop calling me Jackson, my name is James. No, Jackson is my brother, I’m in town for the weekend.” If confronted after the fact continue to deny until some evidence is provided. Matter fact, you don’t even know who the person is speaking of, “Keisha, I don’t know no Keisha.” (Ain’t it messed up the chick you cheating with always got some ghetto @ss name in the story?) In the fell chance that some chick calls your girl and says she’s been messing with you, you don’t know the b*tch. In fact, you wouldn’t mess with any crazy girls anyway. If by some chance she breaks into your email, insist that she logged into your account and did that to try and catch you in the lie.  <—Illegal search and seizure.



There’s really no way to reconcile the situation on your side. Your best move is to just break up with the girl and wait for them to get over it and want to be back with you. This way you don’t have to have cheating hanging over your head for the rest of your relationship. Because real talk, you will have to jump over leaps and bounds for the rest of your life if you beg to come back. Your girl will have you calling every 30 minutes, she’ll check your voicemail, facebook, gmail. (And why I’m on the Gmail topic, don’t ever let someone check your gmail, that chat function is a b*tch, yo @ss is done. You ain’t getting no p*ssy til the Bills win the Super Bowl.) So your best move is to just break up with the person. And no, Jedi mind tricks do not work. You cannot say, “Yes, I cheated, you made me do it.” That’s just stupid. You could say, that you didn’t think you were in an exclusive relationship. That’s the hail mary of cheating arguments.

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Your @ss shouldn’t get caught, ya dig. You need to have an alibi, a believable alibi. Your alibi cannot, CANNOT, CANNOT be, “My phone died.” That’s just about the weakest excuse since my dog ate my homework. Your alibi should also not bring anyone else into your lie, because then your boy is a liar too. How many dudes have gotten that text before, “Dr. J: If anyone asks you, I slept over there last night.” Tacky @ss. I’m also a firm believer that you need to let the third party know their role, that way they don’t do nothing stupid. Let that chick know, but don’t give up too much information. If she asks, “Do you have a girlfriend?” Again, deny everything. Reply, “I like when people go to the zoo to see the Pandas.” And don’t break jumpoff rules either; (1) No evidence. Erase every text message as you receive it. Call history too. (2) Do not be seen in public with them. (3) Do not spend the night, get up and take your @ss home, no matter what time it is. (4) Wash your damn sheets. (Look at all the women in the crowd thinking, “No wonder his bed always smell like Snuggle.”)

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Now… don’t be an OJ. If you get away with it once, don’t do it again… with that person. If you get away with it three or four times, well then I think I speak for all real men in attendance when I say, you must be doing something right, keep up the good work!

If you need a defense attorney, feel free to call, 1-800-Dr-J-She-is-Crazy… you won’t get an answering machine, you’ll speak directly to me.

Comment(17)

  1. It kinda hurts my feelings to admit it, but this is actually really good advice. Far better to go this route than to admit it and spend the rest of your life atoning for your sins…because lord knows women can milk something when they've got it.

  2. I have had past girlfriend who I have cheated on… years later I deny everything. If you are going to take on the burden of cheating, you should be ready to die with that kind of secret.

    I'm also really big on "we weren't together". Since Line Sisters apparently have to share EVERYTHING (a crime in it self that should be addressed, why do women always want men to keep intimate details a secret, but they runtelldat to the whole sorority).. news came out about my side poking… I just stated the truth. We got into a fight and broke up with me…. so I was trying to get over you.

  3. dude i agree with max. this is some good advice. only thing is what's the odds that your girl takes you back when you try to get back with her? if you break up with her that just makes you look more guilty.

  4. I somewhat busted my guy out and what do you know – he all of a sudden immediately decided he wanted to talk to me about not having $ex anymore because he wanted to get closer to God. What tha fuuuugg?! No ninja – you just got caught and you realized you will never ever get this again and now you want to make it seem like you have the power in the situation.

    One of my personal rules is to never let a guy know what ALL I know. No reason to let him know what area he is sloppy in. Let him get caught again by the next one!

    I will never understand this man-law…you know that is you in the picture – WHY not just come clean? Is it pre-wired in you guys DNA or something?? 😉

  5. How about men should not cheat on their girlfriend? If you want to go out and do other chicks, BE SINGLE. Save us the time and heartbreak. I had to give my boo the cheating talk. He had the nerve to say, "If your dude is cheating on you with another girl, you shouldn't say anything." That was the most stupid thing I had ever heard. I told him, "If you think about cheating on me, we're done." He knows I don't play games when it comes to relationships. Go ahead and be stupid if you want to. I'm still mad at him about that. We had an argument and he was really defending himself like it's okay to cheat. Your past girlfriends may have tolerated your behavior but I won't.

    My mother always tell me to never settle for less. Don't let a man hit you, don't let a man disrespect you and don't let a man cheat on you. If he does it once, he'll do it again. That's the truth.

  6. I have two rules when it comes to having a side piece:

    1 . The Opposites rule – if you are going to cheat, get a side piece that is the opposite of your main lady. If your lady is a diva, get a cute ass tomboy that like sports. If your lady is an ebony soul sista, make your side piece Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The reason is they are less likely to have the same interests and less likely to run into each other somewhere or have the same circle of friends.

    2. 30 Minute Rule – if you meet a side piece, no matter how fine she is, she must live at least 30 minutes away from home base. You don't want to be out with wifey and bump into the side piece at the supermarket.

    1. I find #1 quiet interesting…never thought of it that way but ol' boys side piece was a trailer park whyte chick with 2 kids. . We neeeever would have crossed paths on a casual basis.

  7. im mad ur givin advice on how to get away w/ cheating… men suck at lying…. most likely she'll find out && then you really have no chance of ever getting back togetha.

    i agree w/ steph… if you're not interested in being in a committed relationship just say it upfront… id rather no at the start then for you to lie to me && find out later that i wasted my time… thats just selfish. && if and when i do find out i will make sure to get ur ass back in some way

    1. I guess the biggest thing would be for women to realize when a man is serious and when he isn't. I am not saying that women let their men cheat…but ..just dont get to comfortable…some dudes NEED a shorter leash…just like some girls need handcuffs…lol

  8. SO what do men do when their women turn around and get all scorned and use these very same rules against them? Just outta curiosity…

    I'm with Stephanie. If you wanna slut it out, be single. Why bring another party into your mess, when there are so many single women out there willing and ready to give it up?

  9. SO what do men do when their women turn around and get all scorned and use these very same rules against them?

    ^^

    We go and Thronx the next dudes girl, and charge it to karma. Chuuch

  10. This is so true, combined with True Man's advice. Don't get caught really means "be detailed enough to not only cover your tracks but to set the stage so that there AREN'T any tracks to uncover in the first place." A true girlfriend knows her man's habits, interests, routines, etc. Most men do things that raise a mental red flag without even knowing it. In my opinion – if a man is going to cheat and he thinks he has it covered…he should ask himself "How would I try to hide this if my girl was in the F.B.I.?" The answer is to plan it well out in advance so that there isn't a blip on the radar to begin with. The best lies / alibis have a decent element of truth in them.

    The same advice applies to women, but the ones I know that do it / have done it already follow these rules….and none of them have ever gotten caught. It's all about the small, seemingly insignificant details…

  11. Missed this post today, but man…I'm a bit disheartened. Things like this make my faith in men wane. I trust my man but damn. It seems like cheating is so damn prevalent, and here, there's no admonishment for the behavior- just a how-to guide.

    Why be in a relationship if you want to share your goods with someone other than your significant other?

    I went to dinner with one of my boys recently and he was telling me about his jump-off…and I told him how bothered and disgusted I was. He assumes his girl has cheated once or twice, so I guess that makes it all okay. He was surprised when I said I never stepped out on a bf, as if he never encountered someone who has the ability to be faithful.

    Yea, if you're going to cheat you shouldn't get caught, but why not leave before you deceive your partner?

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