Home Submission SBM Answers: Should I tell him I’m celibate?

SBM Answers: Should I tell him I’m celibate?


****** Admin Note ******

I don’t know if everyone else has noticed the “falling back” of SBM on the site, twitter, and email.  I haven’t been commenting as much and have been off the scene a lot.  Well, the true reason for it is … I’m moving to Atlanta.  By December I should be a happy ATLien and all the stress involved with working, applying to Business Schools, and moving to ATL has removed me from my peoples more than I want.  Don’t worry though … It’ll get better.



Because I haven’t done it in so long and I have been slumming at life answering emails I have decided to do answer a reader’s question.  I know there are several that are still in my inbox waiting for some enlightenment, and all in due time.  For now, let’s help this poor soul … because as I always say … the truth isn’t going to come from me but it comes from the comments.

Don’t be shy … I know you got something good to say.

Hey SBM!

First, just wanted to say I read the blog all the time and love your writing! Great advice and discussions! 🙂

I’m in a contemplation and need some advice from you brilliant men. I haven’t had s*x in 14 months! (ahh i know!) I just kinda stayed away from men (in that department) after a bad break-up with my ex, and I wanted to see how long I could go. Well, I’ve set a record here! lol. But now I’m ready to get back out there and date, and I’ve been talking to this guy for a bit now. We were friends in high school and we got down then. We are reconnecting and I’m sure things are gonna go down, because he is a good friend and now we are going towards a relationship. My question is if I should tell him that I have been celibate for 14 months? Is that a turn-on or turn-off to a guy?  Is this something I should just keep to myself? Or is it something I should share with him because he is someone valuable in my life and I would rather have s*x with him first than some random guy?

Any advice would be much appreciated! 🙂

From a “born-again virgin”,


Wow … 14 months.  The daily pain you must indure has to be just … well .. unbearable.

See Also:  Celibacy: Do You Stay Or Go?

I take that back.  I once had gotten really fed up with this one FwB, and as a result I gave it up for about 5 days months.

Anyways …

First and foremost, make sure your ready to get back in the game.  Whether you tell him or not, it is not sexy to bust out in tears in the middle of getting it and then needing him to stop to take a “personal moment”.  Not only is that weird as hell, but guys don’t like to stop once we start (a life lesson for all you “mind changers” out there!!!).  Since you think this may turn into something, but your looking to give him the bidness before he signs the contract, be sure your ready for all that may come on your end as a result.  I know you women are all emotional n sh*.

Now that you have decided he is the one to break your back hiatus (sheeeet … this is a full blown leave of absence from the game) we are back to your initial question: Should you tell him?  Well … like always … I’ll try and keep it simple.

Do it if you feel … he won’t care.

I mean … really … who cares how long.  You had a bad break up, you gave it up, and your now over it.  I do think it matters a little, and he might think about it for all of 30 seconds as he unwraps the rubber, but I can’t imagine any guy not smashing because you have been holding out.

See Also:  SBM Answers: No good ninja

Bonus if you tell him: He’ll treat it a little more special and he might feel good that he is bringing you in.   You sound like you like him and things are mutual, so he sounds like a nice enough guy.

Anyways … bring it up like nothing … then go get your box beaten.

Good people … am I right?  Guys … would you care?  Would you not want to know? Ladies … what would you do?

– SBM aka Would I still remember how to swizzle after 14 months aka I really don’t care how long

Single Black Male Logo


  1. 3 years celibate…and I let it be known. Now, I'm not saying that I'm on lock down, and not trying to give it up without a ring…but sex is never something I get into lightly…

  2. I would tell him I've been celibate and probably how long too if he asks, but I don't think it's a big deal. I mean if you're re-connecting then be honest, no need to hide anything.

  3. I always let it be known that there is no bedroom action going down and it has "cost" me a few men that I thought were really good for me (good riddance :-p). I don't understand why she is asking if he'd be cool with it (she said she was going to give it to him right??), as far as I know…I have not met a man that would have a prob with that (as long as you are not keeping it on lock). Good luck with moving to the A!!!

  4. Yeah, 13 months and counting. I told my bf the reasons why I was holding out (nothing to do with a ring on it et al) and he was really awesome bout it. And my celibacy had started before we became an item. Now? Cant wait for the day he'l break me off but thea's no pressure!

  5. This is a tough one. At first I was thinking, maybe she should tell him immediately after having sex. Then, I thought about it a little longer and completely changed my mind. Tell him before you guys break the bed. It'll boost his self esteem and ego knowing that after 14 MONTHS your going to let him smash. Meaning he will feel extra special. I hope you've been doing your kegel exercises. 😛

  6. I was chosen to bring a woman back into her sex life after her being celibate for 4 years after a bad break up. She told me beforehand and people are right, it was a boost of confidence. I felt like "the Dick that broke the camel's back". LOL I will say that in that situation she was looking for a long-term relationship, which I was not and had let her know before having sex, which was the only reason things did not work out afterwards. However, in your situation, if he seems like he's really into you and trying to make things official, tell him. He'll be on porn-star mode.

  7. Hey… My comment has nothing to do with the actual email, but you said that you're planning to move to Atlanta next month. I don't know if that's what you want, I've lived here my whole life minus the four years I went anyway to school and this isn't the same Atlanta that it was five years ago. I don't know what happened(well I kind of do but that's a long story). Three my friends have moved to New York in the past six months and I plan on moving to Chicago next year. I know you've been down here a whole bunch of times but I just thought I would comment about my thoughts of move here. It may not be a good look but to each is own, but you'll definitely like the weather more 🙂

    1. What the helsinki is wrong with your friends? Moving TO New York? Everyone is moving OUT of NYC because it's stupid expensive to live there.

    2. The move is psuedo permanent and the super drop in the cost of living is one of my main factors. I've been visiting ATL for about 3 years now, and I 100% co-sign about the A changing. It reminds me so much more of DC than it used to.

      All that being said, I'm keeping my same job, cutting my rent in half, and have been in DC ALL MY LIFE … I welcome the change. Besides, I have several options to get out if needed.

  8. Well I understand the need for change, I guess that's why I'm moving. I just remember what it use to be here and I guess I'm just disenchanted with it here. People come here thinking life here is like a T.I . Or Jezzy video everyday and it's sooo not. I still love Atlanta I'm just not in love with the city anymore.

  9. Co-sign El Capitan!

    She can bring it up… I dont think dude would mind as long as he's beating. I mena, Ive been celibate too <del>since I woke up</del> and I can appreciate it.


  10. Wow you are moving to Atlanta? I'm trying to move out. It sucks. I want to move back up North. Eff warmer winters!

    About this celibate lady's letter She says she's been celibate for 14 months (whoop ti doo!) , that's not a big deal to people who've lived a life of celibacy (read: virgin i.e. "not everything but" kind either, 100%). Well you know that my answer is going to be all black/white given my lifestyle. I'm not trying to pass judgement on anyone that's not my job/place. I just think it's best for her to remain celibate until marriage. Sex for pleasure and procreation should be saved for the sanctity of two married persons. 99.9% of dating relationship problems, misunderstandings, heartbreaks, and drama especially for women are because people don't understand or care about the importance of saving themselves for anymore. If women and men just did not have sex until they are married, they wouldn't have these problems of unfulfilled expectations and hopes placed on people who are not really meant for them. IF everyone waited until they were married, there wouldn't be a thirst for what you never had, there wouldn't be comparing to past partners, and emotional baggage. After you have sex with someone (if you have a heart) you will become emotionally invested in them and you will open yourself up to heartbreak. So I think she should keep it lock until he puts a ring on it.

    1. Amen to that! . I have to agree with this sista, please keep on waiting..you could be setting yourself up for heartbreak.

  11. Left out something really important: I'm just saying a sexless relationship forces you to get a know who a person is or is not whether you are really meant to be with that person without the mind cloudiness and blindness that a sexual relationship can cause. People make so many excuses for ultimately incompatible people when it comes to sex.

    1. o_0


      If you aint giving up the pumps, how do you know what goes wrong with a relationship that has pumps in it?

    2. Hey B Skies, your opinion is definitely the anomaly today (hmmm). I believe in it too and I get the cheekz response all the time (lets be respectful of each others decisions). I have been on both sides and the non-nookie giving relationship is much better. You do get to know the person because you don't have sex to resort to. Is it easy…NO, but it can be done and it gives you a great sense of self-discipline and control.

      Not to say anybody's way is better than the other but I like to go by what works for me and a celibate relationship has been better than any other relationship I have ever been in. It helps that my SO believes in celibacy for the same reasons I do.

      1. I have been on both sides too. And the biggest mistake I have ever made was not cheating on my prude SO. If a person doesn't love you enough to give up the pumps, move on to a more mature partner who can handle the type of relationship you are looking to have.

        After professing my love for this particular SO and have her just feed me excuses on why I couldn't get any I became bitter and resented her despite the fact that I was deeply in love. I feel in love with a prude again, almost right after that… but I turned her out and live happily in sin. I would never suggest anyone go long periods of time without getting any. You may not believe it but you become bitter and angry. Its a concept I call the mandingo hypothesis.

        1. O cheekz, Your hypothesis is very insignificant. I do not feel any resentment towards my SO for choosing the lifestyle that he did (and vice versa). I am sorry you had a bad experience but that has not been my experience or the experience of others that I know practice this kind of "lifestyle". It is not the popular way to "date" these days its what me and mine have chosen and it works for us.

          "If a person doesn’t love you enough to give up the pumps, move on to a more mature partner who can handle the type of relationship you are looking to have"…this statement is…………funny and sad at the same time. Anyway, have a good day!

  12. I went 18 months (yes 18) for similar reasons. I didn't tell the guy I was dating until after the deed was done. He didn't care and he was more than happy to reintroduce me to the D again! LOL!

  13. The longest I've gone was 10 months and that was because Uncle Sam sent me to the desert (thank God for that 18 day break in the middle though!). But anyway, if you are going to let him hit it, what different does it make? If you tell him it'll stroke his ego to know that you saved all that up and now he's the first one to get it. If you don't tell him, I'm sure he might ask depending on the tightness of that whole.

  14. If this is a fling that could turn into a relationship there is little reason to tell the details of your sexual past at this point.

    If you and this guy are serious, I think he has a right to know b/c there is an emotional connection you could have to him that he should be aware of. When you break a cherry, Most men do feel do love the idea of conquering new land … so I'm sure he will enjoy how tight you feel….. unless you have been using those extra Mandingo Modeled Dildos to get you throught the past year.

  15. @B. Skies

    I agree to an extent, but what about people who never get married?

    Seriously, who wants to be a 40 year old virgin, man or woman. I don't know if it's everyone's destiny to get married, and you can tell by the looks of today's society in terms of divorce rate, AIDS infections within marriages, and just plain old baby mama/daddy drama.

  16. Um..Ok I have been celibate for 19 month and 4 days as of right now..I think you should speak about being celibate first before you initial having sex with him..I told this last guy I was seeing and gave me kudos on being celibate and right then and there I knew he wasnt the guy for me..SO are you breaking your vow because you want it or because you like him, and yall did it before???

    1. her answer reminds me of that camron skit….

      "When you meet a chick… smack her… that way, she'll never say "Cam, you dont treat me like you used to"



  17. its not like she is a virgin. I can not imagine why 14 months would be a big deal to a man. Its a dry spell, but not like 5yrs or something. I file this under "not a big deal". Why don't we all just tell our next partner it's been 14 months and then report back if they actually cared or not?

  18. I know I'm late but I couldn't resist commenting. 13 months? Dang I've had some BAD break ups and tried to join the celibacy club a few times last year but I know I would never make it no 13 months.

    My vote is you don't tell him. Unless you aren't gonna give it up to him no reason he needs to know u aint been gettin it.


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