Home Dating & Relationships Dating Why men lead women on … and vice versa

Why men lead women on … and vice versa


As I perused the deeper regions of my mind searching for a topic, I decided to listen to the best readers in the world (yes … you) and hit our skribit page (a place where you can suggest topics for us to write on) and came across one troubled individual.

why do women lead men on, and vice versa?

Wait … your telling me people get stringed along?  You mean if I take a girl’s number, that means I like her? And when I don’t call her, I was stringing her along for asking in the first place?

Sh* me …

Without even knowing it, this person forced me to self reflect on the corrupt and foul life I have lived possible reasons when it came to “stringing people along”.

For those of you who are slow need a definition:

Stringing a Person Along: To feign interest in a person of the opposite sex (or same if that is how you roll) for some purpose, although you don’t like them

Now, as a guy I know why I have done it in the past.  And being all knowing, I can figure out a few reasons women do it.  And of course … you got the universals … the stuff we all do.

I present … SBM’s Reasons to String em along


She might give me the bop, let me in, put it on me

See Also:  What To Do When You Lose Your Old Faithful?

As most women know, guys usually have two groups for all potentials … jump-offs and wifeys.  Either your good for one thing that requires a thin piece of latex (or a pill) or you could be the mother of my future child.  If someone gets the JO stamp, but wants a ring … stringing maybe necessary to ensure future beats and keep her happy.


Gurrlll … he paid

As Project Pat said it best, “bawk bawk … chicken chicken … chicken head”.  Even if you haven’t earned the official CH card, there are a lot with CH tendencies.  A guy with money who likes to spend it on women (read: simp) is hard to let go.  You can’t stand him, but who else is gonna pay for Ruth’s Chris every Wednesday.

He’s the perfect guy (too bad I don’t want him)

There are a lot of great guys out there … just not enough (The staff here at SBM.net are rare jewels … remember that).  Extensive research by the SBM.net research for black love has shown that women often find good men (good jobs, nice, caring, nice to his momma) who they just aren’t attracted to.  Might be personality, looks, or something else … but whatever it is … it’s a problem.  Problem is, you can’t through away a diamond.  So he gets strung along until he somehow becomes more attractive.

See Also:  Tadow! How ya like me now?! - Maintenance Issues


Maybe someday … but not today

So you kind of like them, but not enough to settle down.  Maybe you just signed a $150 million deal and your not ready to give up the groupies.  Either way … you don’t want to give them up completely … so if you can just trick them into waiting for a year or two after the crabs clear up it could be all them.

It’s so hard to say “leave me alone”

Maybe you liked them at first. Maybe you were forced to go out because of your friend.  But they keep inviting you out and your obviously a soft motherf* too nice to say no, so this person is fooled into thinking there is something good going on.  Sad day …

Your bored

Who wants to stay home on the weekend by themselves?  How many “girl’s nights out” can you really take with them fake hatin chics? Chillin with the boys is good and all … but they lack that one warm cavern of yum … and it will get old.  So … sometimes you keep someone around just because you need someone something to do on the weekend.  Especially if you have them understanding the concept of dutch (applies to guys only) then dates are really fun.

See Also:  Why Being Bitter Leaves You with a Shallow Dating Pool

How does the fam feel about this?  Why did you string some poor soul along recently?  Why are you letting him take you out tomorrow although you can’t stand him?  Why did you send her that 1 am text although everything about her irritates you?  Do tell …


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  1. Could it be sometimes that you're not actually stringing them along, but rather they take your desire not to be a total….canine of the XX type…..as some sign that "she must want me"? There was another post on SBM awhile back that addressed not being an XX canine because you're assuming that every guy wants to holla. So the flip side of that is being nice (or at least cordial), which many guys take and run with.

    Situation I'm thinking of right now is dealing with my ex husband. He's decided he's tired of being an XX canine toward me, but I'm getting the vibe that he thinks if he's nice enough I'll change my mind about him (not bloody likely). I don't want to "lead him on" but I don't want to keep being a cantankerous XX canine either. Just feels like I can't be nice without getting too close to the "leading on" category.

    Oh, but I have seriously reeled back on the harmlessly being extra friendly thing. That's also how you get lied on ("She was all up in my face & wants to get with me"…..uh no, troll). Plus just trying to keep those boundaries as clear as possible.

  2. Brutal honesty wow!!! I always try to face my faults and where I went wrong in decisions of the heart. I can tell you facing the reality that you've successfully been strung along for the very reasons you listed above is hard. I would've preferred to hear the truth from the 'stringer' but I'll accept this for peace. Officially blown….but at least I now know why.

  3. It’s so hard to say “leave me alone” is definitely me all around. I don't even have to like dude at first & then change my mind. Sometimes I know right off the bat that 'this' ain't gon work out. But I just can't get my mouth to say… no. Ugh. My phone number is probably on a bathroom wall somewhere… I swear thats how easy it is to get. I can not bring myself to reject some poor unsuspecting dude. ESPECIALLY when the I got a SO line doesn't work. *sigh*

  4. Men have been "chasin' the can" forever, and a lot of times, we lead them on to make sure we don't spend that Friday night alone and always have a solid jumpoff to call. Not saying it's right…just how it is.

  5. Now, what about when you say what/how its gonna be VERBATIM and they still let themselves get strung??? I really think its not anything to feel too guilty about because its your choice to pursue someone. You sign up for whatever I'm giving. Until you're through, which I totally understand.

    As a habitual stringer I'll say that while my reasons may vary, sometimes out of boredom, sometimes because I actually have interest in the person am just not all the way on board yet, one thing that helps sometimes when you are stringing someone along is the management of expectations.

    Anyone who I'm seeing right now knows to expect as little as possible from me because of work and trying to get into business school, etc. So they know half of the deal… what they don't know is that even if I had nothing to do, I still wouldn't necessarily want them..

    I think a certain amount of stringing is necessary in dating. Everyone does it, how else would we get what we want? I'm dating someone who started out as kind of a string thing, but he gave me space, hung in there, and what do you know? I actually like him and care about his well being -not just whats good for me.

  6. These are all points I've heard before. The best one out of these is the future beats insurance. All men have been there. you dont want to rock the boat so u say what u gotta to keep the pum pum happy. lmao

    smh its a cold world

    1. exactly. most men have been in that situation. it sucks because the chick is actually pretty cool (most of the times) but she likes you way more than you like her. you just want beats and to be cool with her. its wrong but it happens.

  7. I can't speak for most women but I know for sure that I usually string people along because I am bored. I could be bored from anything varying from tried of going out with my girls, watching movies at home alone gets boring, or my most famous it's cold outside and cold + lonely don't mix well.

    Just me

  8. what would you say about a man who initiates a relationship, is the one who defines it as mutually exclusive, acts fairly possessive, is the one who is talking future…and is the one who all the while, is secretly dating other women…seeking out other relationships the entire time…when she figures out that something weird is up, he completely avoids the conversation…..then cuts off contact…and we are talking about a relationship of the long term kind…me, being "she" has felt "strung along…" but there was no situation of him being pressured into being committed, as I said, he always made the first move and pushed the relationship along to a higher level…

    is this some strange kind of pathology or more common than I would like to imagine..if a guy has ever done this, I would love to hear, what was going on in your head…trying to understand…

    1. so sorry. I've experience something similar. bottom line… you will never "know" what someone is really thinking (ie. youwill never know what he really thinks of you). crazy happens… pick up the pieces of yourself and try to get it together. onward soldier.

  9. Katherine,

    I just dumped a guy who behaved this way for a year and a half. Pretended that he wanted me and all the while he was pursuing some piece of tail who did not want him and used him for money. I feel that this kind of guy is the lowest of scum and feels like he is some kind of pimp. I found that his goal is to keep you confused and on an emotional roller coster so you can hang around as a back-up until he can get what he wants. I say don't waste your time girl, and tell that piece of trash to kick rocks, you deserve better.


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