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Is your friend obsessing over a guy?

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It can be extremely difficult to find the man of your dreams these days. And even still, finding him is the easy part, you’ve got to win him over too. It was once said, “You need to look in the mirror, maybe you’re not your type’s type.” Your friends may not be helpful either. I tend to believe that every group of female friends has a few single by choice, a few single because they’re hopeless, a few in relationships, and a few who say they’re in relationships. A person who over exaggerates their relationships can be such an annoyance. Either they are claiming that the guy is ready to throw a ring on their finger, or they are being taken from sandy beach to sandy beach. Whatever the case may be it’s annoying. But what about that friend who is totally in love with a guy who is really not that into her or not into her at all? This friend is pathetic and in need of an intervention from her real friends.

You can always tell something is headed the wrong way because first impressions mean everything. For example, “He has a girlfriend, but all he does is constantly complain about her to me. I think they are going to break up soon.” is a sure tell sign that she’s about be in an unhealthy situation. You can usually identify these situations because she cannot stop talking about the guy. How great he is, how close they are, all of the fun things they do together, she might even kid around that he is her work boyfriend. Something to convince all of her friends that the relationship is deep and a meaningful friendship exists there. (Read: Rationale for her dependence on him.)

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However, something never really adds up. As her friend, you have never met him. She makes excuses for his “ironic” behavior. For example, she will have plans to hang out with him, so she tells the girls to go on without her, later you call/text to find out that she is staying in. Her “friend” had a last minute emergency and can’t make it. However, these situations always seem to continue to happen. Cancelled dates, no returned phone calls or texts, and as her friend you get the feeling that the relationship is headed one way.



In the chance that you do meet him, he doesn’t seem as into her as she originally let on. She may be touchy feely but he is reserved, quiet, and treats her like a drinking buddy. Read this next part slowly, a guy who is interested in a girl, will be interested in getting to know her friends on at least some level. A guy who shows no interest in meeting her friends… really isn’t into her. If he hits on one of you or another one of her friends, he’s not that into her. Most men are aware that after meeting the friends she will definitely be talking to her friends about you to have a roundtable discussion about you. They won’t want to ruin that.

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Do his actions seem to cause her extreme emotional duress or to act out of character. I had a female friend who whenever her crush didn’t come through she would sit at the bar and get extremely trashed. I was one of few people who knew that he really wasn’t that into her. How did I come to find this out? She got trashed at a bar, started crying, and spilled that she is in love with him… but he doesn’t really care for her. Does she have bouts with depression, or just generally down when she’s not able to get her way with him? If you are the shoulder that she cries on and you notice unhealthy behavior as a result of this guy she is “seeing” it is time you said something.

Sometimes as friends we hate being the voice of reason, but you have to. For your sanity and for her dignity you have to say something about it. There’s nothing worse than always hearing about this guy she’s talking to, whom you’ve never seen. He becomes this unicorn. (Unicorn – a mythical creature that doesn’t really exist.) But there’s also nothing worse than watching a girl spiral out of control over this unicorn. The longer you let her spiral the harder the fall will be. Theoretically, she’s in a relationship with this guy right now, meaning that it will take at least 50% of the time spent in the relationship, outside of the relationship for her to get over him. All of those tears have to be dried by you and her friends, save her now. Lastly, a friend doesn’t let their friend look like a complete idiot.

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There is one thing I know about this situation. Not only are her friends abreast to it, everyone is. And if he is abreast to it, then I’m sure it’s way out of hand. She looks like a retard, and him knowing that she looks like a retard and not doing anything about it is not only cruel but it’s vindictive. In my opinion life is too short to waste time with someone who isn’t sure they want to be with you. It’s better spent with guys who will respect you and show you that they appreciate you, even if they don’t end up falling in love with you. So if your friend is obsessing over some guy the time is now to get her some help. Help yourself, but also help a friend. A real friend isn’t afraid to have real talk.

Dr. J would like to inform you that plenty of you have sat on my couch talking about your “boyfriend” and I realize that he might be your boyfriend, but you’re his jumpoff.

Comment(19)

  1. Hmmm…at the he might be your boyfriend, but you're his jumpoff.

    Sometimes the lines get blurred, because although he does not want to be the boyfriend, he expects girlfriend type behavior…when it benefits him.

    1. True…but a person will only take as much as you give them. He will try to get gf type benefits without making her his gf (this is when he is not really interested) and if she keeps giving in then he'll continue asking and expecting (cause he knows she is that into him and will keep giving). That's why I try to never assume (act like) we are in a relationship till word has been said between both parties. No need assuming something for anybody. This is a situation where words and actions matter.

      I'll be honest…I was that obsessive girl (for almost 2 yrs…smh) and I did a great job of making the "relationship" out to be what it wasn't. My siblings, girlfriends, male friends, and Mother even, tried to reel me out of that mess but I was determined that he was just not the public type. I just laughed as I read the post, remembering my silliness. Sometimes our girlfriends/male friends try to help but it is up to the individual to make a conscious effort to get themselves out of the situation. Funny thing is, I hold nothing against the guy because I was old enough to know the signs of a young man that was truly into you. I love this post…great post Dr J.

    2. Lines are never that blurry, women just don't pay attention (read: ignore) or try to make it more than it is, like Dr J said. He wouldn't expect girlfriend type of behavior from you if you're not acting the part of a girlfriend or whatever.

    3. So true. I been through that a time or two. Guy wants you to be all into him but he wants to be all into a whole bunch of other females. I’m not and won’t be delusional. I take situations for what they are. you show me the same amount of interest I show you and where good to go. If not…. Deuces!

    4. If by girlfriend type of behavior you mean sex, that's no different than a jumpoff. I always am confused when women say that about guys. I ask for clarification. What exactly do you mean girlfriend type of behavior? I know guys who have girlfriends who don't like the way she acts now that they're in a relationship.

      1. No, I don't mean just having sex is girlfriend behavior I mean if you are sexing him up in addition to cooking him meals (cliche) , spending the night, buying him gifts, being thoughtful, expecting him to go out with you…relationship type things. Why shouldn't he say yes to all of the things you're giving him? Just b/c he accepts does not mean he is your boyfriend (significant other, special friend, whatever you're going to call him) or that he is going to reciprocate. He signed up for a thing-thing on the side, you signed up for a relationship…that's not a fuzzy line, that's you not paying attention.

  2. Women don't want to hear the truth. Are men encouraging their friends not to be self-serving users? To me, it speaks to the character of the man if he uses women. Just because someone will give doesn't mean you should receive. But it seems like the weight is placed more on the women in these situations. If, for example, a chick took money and trips from a dude she had no intentions in being with, who will get most of the blame? The woman. She'll get labeled a gold digger or whatever the current term is. She's to blame if she gives. She's to blame if she takes.

    1. She is just as self serving and a user as he is though. How many times have you heard about women sitting around with their girls talking bout "Girl, we went here, here and here, and he got me this, this, and this…he a sucka" and not say anything to her about it? Are women encouraging their friends not to be self-serving users? Or are we sitting around going "dang girl you're lucky, you've got a good one" knowing full and hell well, he is her thing-thing on the side?

      You are at blame (at least) if you keep giving this man everything he wants from you and you not standing up and saying no and not expecting to be treated as well as you treat him, you are equally delusional if you think this man is your "boyfriend."

      Women have NO idea how much they give away for the sake of having what looks like a relationship.

      1. It's hard to tell a man his chick is not really his chick, and that he's putting the punani on a pedestal. It threatens everything men stand for. I try to be that friend, but I will only go but so far. It's not my job to break down someone's ego. Men thinking a chick is really feeling him, when in reality she ain't.

  3. We as women give this man the power. Men know what they're doing and we know what they're doing too but we dont want to believe it. Women are taught that if a man is a good man, then we need to hold on to him. Men are taught that the ball is in their court and they have the choice. A woman could love a man for years but if he doesn't feel as though she's wifey material, he wont do anything more than sleep with her. I've learned to treat men as they treat me. There is no playing girlfriend if you're not playing boyfriend. Also, men (and women) need to stop playing this game because that's how people get their windows busted, tires slashed, and shot.

  4. "Women have NO idea how much they give away for the sake of having what looks like a relationship."

    I have a friend in this situation right now. I know she doesnt really care for or like this dude but she puts up with him because she is one of those people that has to be in a relationship. it doesnt help that he has a nice car and she borrows money from him often. (what she has told me). what also cracks me up is that she has her FB status as "in a relationship" but he has told her countless times he doesnt want to be in a relationship right now…

  5. i've seen this happen to a couple of my women friends. it sucks because they have distorted reality and everyone can see it for what it is except for her.

    i've actually been in this situation before. i was cool with a female and i thought we were friends (and that was it) until i met her friends. when we got around her friends she became extremely touchy and wanted to hold hands and whatnot. it actually made me very uncomfortable. after that i kind of kept my distance from her.

  6. …Yea this is unhealthy, but I think it's something everyone goes through. I was done with this stage at about 19, but I certainly had a guy or two that I was infatuated with who I later realized did not have the same feelings for me. Live and learn. Make silly mistakes while you're young.

    And: "a guy who is interested in a girl, will be interested in getting to know her friends on at least some level" <—- CHUUUUUCH.
    My bf said the same thing like a month ago…When he met my girl's (now) ex-BF, he thought ol boy was acting funny…and when they broke up, he said he knew something was off with him because he didn't really try to make conversation; he kept to himself or stayed on the phone (which I thought was odd since he was a pretty outgoing guy). He said if you're invested in something you make an attempt to be polite and get to know your SO's friends, or at least try to act interested the few times you go out.

  7. You made me feel bad about this one… my GF is obssessing over a guy. It happens to be her SO who treats her like sh*. But she matches each one of these one-to-one. Ugh. He is using her so bad. The situation is so bad he doesn't even recognize her as his GF outside of her circle of friends. I tried to help her out a little but when she didn't take the bait & move on I just kinda accepted it and kept it trucking, but this post makes me feel like I should be doing more.

    help,

    clueless in cleveland

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