Home Dating & Relationships Dating Good or Bad Questions: Where You At and Who You With?

Good or Bad Questions: Where You At and Who You With?


Dude: Where you at?
Chick: What the f*ck you mean where I’m at? Do I ask you where you are every time we talk?
Dude: You must be bleeding…
Chick: Not for another week. I just don’t like you asking me that like I’m sliding off.
Dude: So anyway, where are you?
Chick: *sucks teeth* At the grocery store negro.
Dude: Perfect. Can you pick me up some honey maple turkey and american cheese (white) so I can make lunch for tomorrow?
Chick: Half a pound of turkey and 6 slices of cheese like usual?
Dude: Yep.

Aight. So this scenario may have been a little dramatic. Eff it. Most of the scenarios here are. But hopefully, everyone gets the point of this situation. A good number of us have had someone ask our whereabouts either once or multiple times at regular intervals. A good number of us have also been the people asking the often dreaded questions. Whichever side you’re on, you’ve probably encountered some level of frustration along the way. And if it wasn’t with a significant other, it was with someone who overestimated the extent of your friendship or coolness level with them. I know when I leave work early or when I exit church after the 1st service that iHate when people ask me where I’m going. To those at work, I just say I’m going home to take care of 6 kids. To those at church, I say God told me not to say. Either way, I dodge the question regardless of where I’m going. I just don’t like certain people askin’ my whereabouts sometimes. Maybe I’m a jerk, but I don’t think I need to pacify certain folks’ quest for knowledge.

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I know some of the women are thinkin’ “Damn. I wouldn’t wanna be with him except for sex if that’s how he handles simple questions.” But honestly, that’s not how I operate in regular life with the boobookins. I have no problem answering questions about where I’m at or where I’m headed. As a matter a fact, she’d probably know where I was headed before I even left to go there without me havin’ to say anything. I’m pretty much a creature of habit and I think a significant other being able to ask questions is fundamental…to a certain extent. I’m a firm believer in consistency. If shorty never asks questions then suddenly starts askin’ my whereabouts, I’m probably gonna raise an eye brow and wonder why the questions since I’m such an upstanding individual. I’ll answer a few times and then I’ll take it as a question of my character (i.e. I ain’t ya greezy ex). And when I raise an eye brow, I get stubborn. And when I get stubborn, I’m a real bastard. Nobody wants to meat Slim the Bastard. Oh yeah. On the other hand, if shorty always asked my whereabouts from jump…well, I probably wouldn’t be with her. Just kidding. Sorta.

I don’t ask a lot of questions. It’s never really been my thing. There have even been times where I wanted to ask cuddlebear where she was or who she was with, but I felt at the time that it wasn’t the manly thing to do—or the secure thing to do. And from what I gather, it’s not just me. It seems like there are a lot of people out there of both genders who’d rather figure things out on their own than ask questions and risk coming across as insecure or obsessive. I’ve gotten better though. Seriously. I’ve gotten better. Now when shorty is out and I hear deep voices and glasses clinking or silence with whispers in the background, I can feel secure in asking where she’s at and who she’s with.

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So what about you? Are you reluctant in asking your significant other who they’re with and where they at? Do you like/dislike when people ask you questions like this? Any stories of people being spazzed on or spazzing on someone because they asked what they thought was a simple question? C’mon. I know you got something to say. Share til your heart is content.

You know where I am babe. You got me that phone with the gps,

slim jackson


  1. Asking where someone is going could be innocent and just a natural instinct if you see someone packing up and leaving out. Usually a person will say, "see you babe, I'm about to go_ *insert place here*___" and that's it. But if someone calls and randomly asks where you are, to me, that's only acceptable if a person was expecting the person to be somewhere. E.g., date, appointment, confirmed quality time, things like that.

    But I'm guessing this more so is a case of the "possessive significant other." This is the problem scenario because the "where you going who you with" is common. Some people think it's cute, as if the person cares. I say it's annoying because that is an indicator of the trust level (possible sign of jealousy or control issues). You and your S.O. should have your own friends, which more than likely includes both sexes. So that "where you going who you with" question could cause a problem that doesn't even exist b/c of lack trust and/or insecurity. (Not to act like we're secure all the the time, but we need to manage that, especially if the person hasn't given us reason not to trust them.) If this is a case where you know you're with a shady character in the first place, then maybe they shouldnt be a significant other after all.

    -A New Reader ..kudos

    1. "Asking where someone is going could be innocent and just a natural instinct if you see someone packing up and leaving out. Usually a person will say, “see you babe, I’m about to go_ *insert place here*___” and that’s it".<—- Agree

  2. PS: i didn't pay attention the "cussing part"…yeah, being "cussed at" in that context would raise red flags to me. That makes it seem like more of a control problem but phrasing it like wtf you at…at the same time, some people talk like that with each other and it's mad normal, but idk, for me ESPECIALLY if it's a newbie, i wouldn't last long with that person

  3. This is a general rule between my friends and I…Please Pardon my F word…but "If you are not feeding me, financing me, or fucking me, then I have no reason to lie to you"…If you are my boo, then you fall under only one of the categories…and if you turn out to be a stalker boo, then you may not hear the truth all of the time…

    What irks me is when dudes ask questions that they already know the answers to (this happens more frequently than you think). Therefore, as a female, I never ask questions that I can find out the answers to. For example, I won't ask PoohBear who he's with if I know he's with his boys, or if I can find out. I don't have quiz time.

    When I have a significant other, I'm not reluctant to ask him his location. He has two choices, either to answer, or not. I don't mind telling my location, however, I hate when I'm being clocked, and this is frequently the case. Furthermore, sometimes letting my whereabouts known works against me. It works in favor when honey meets me outside my door with flowers, or something else. I'm sure this also works in favor of him when I show up with a treat. However, when I get that call like "where are you", and he decides to watch me from a car, have one of his friends in the area watch me, etc…this is not cool. I thought I was giving information just for knowledge…nothing else..


    Several times my friends and I have told dudes our locations, and they just show up to take us home..geesh. I remember I was shopping in the city with my friends, and one of their boyfriends called. He was told the location. He asked how long we were going to be in the store, he was told 45 minutes..As we were leaving the store, we saw his car parked outside…This might sound immature by we dodged him…

    1. "and he decides to watch me from a car, have one of his friends in the area watch me, etc…this is not cool."

      Wow….that's another level right there. Friend scoping you out? No no….

      The surprise pop-up can be cute. My boo has called for my locale and surprised me a time or two…catching me completely off guard.

      But that stalking thing…lol you must be "that girl" from the previous post… 😉

    2. lol

      "…and he decides to watch me from a car, have one of his friends in the area watch me, etc…this is not cool."

      Wow….that's another level right there. Friend scoping you out? No no….

      The surprise pop-up can be cute. My boo has called for my locale and surprised me a time or two…catching me completely off guard.

      But that stalking thing…lol you must be "that girl" from the previous post… 😉

      1. Ms.Lotus=not "that girl". However, I will say that when your relationship lacks trust, people tend to lose themselves, and do the unthinkable. This is why I sometimes avoid questions..

      1. @ Slim Jackson.I know Ms.Lotus personally& trust me., its believable because it did happen.YOU may not do it, but there are guys that do. I imagine the convo went something like this:

        Guy1: Yo my shorty live on your block, keep an eye on her

        Guy2: Ight gotcha

        later that night..

        Guy1: Yo whaddup, you home?

        Guy 2: Yea

        Guy 1: Ight shorty get home around 10:30, do me a favor, you know how she look. Watch her. I wanna know if there are any dudes with her

        Guy2: That's not my place, but you my dude

  4. "Now when shorty is out and I hear deep voices and glasses clinking or silence with whispers in the background, I…feel secure…asking where she’s at and who she’s with."

    LOL…This sounds oh so familiar.

    There's nothing wrong with occasionally inquiring about your partner's whereabouts. Especially if they are in what sounds like an unusual environment.

    One thing I've noticed is that if you have a pretty solid relationship and communicate rather well with each other, your SO will probably tell you where they are, where they're going, etc rather soon in the conversation.

    However, we have to remember to check ourselves- often it isn't what you ask, but how you ask it. If you sound accusatory or barrage your partner with question after question they will be offended and will probably be on the defensive- not because they're doing wrong, but because you seem to be accusing them of such.

    1. "However, we have to remember to check ourselves- often it isn’t what you ask, but how you ask it"<—agree…Now lying is not my forte, but HOW you ask a question, may result in a answer that results in a lie.

  5. I absolutely hate it when anyone asks me about where I am going because if you are someone who needed to know, you would know already. I'm not secretive and I offer up information pretty freely, so if you don't know where I am going, it's most likely because it's none of your business.

    I've never had an SO really question me about my whereabouts. The times I've been asked are usually when I'm not in a committed relationship with a person. In those situations, I tend to do my own thing. I notice a lot of men can't take it when they don't know where you are or what you are doing, especially if you don't call everyday or try to see them frequently. I'm very spontaneous so it's difficult to track what I will be doing one day to the next, so that drives a lot men to ask about my whereabouts frequently. I really hate it and I usually find a polite way to not answer the question.

    1. Agreed. I don't question people (or anyone I'm dating) because I don't like people questioning me. Well maybe because 99.9% of the time I really don't care anyway. If I see the 3rd degree coming on I simply say "oh my gosh enough with the questions." That usually does it.

  6. For the most part, I know where my SO is but on the occasion I may not be sure for whatever reason, I'll ask. To me it's a simple drama-free question. I don't have a problem someone asking me where I"m at because I know I'm not somewhere I'm not supposed to be. The only time I don't answer is if in the case of the other day, I was out buying his Christmas present so I never responded directly to his question.

  7. I agree with Sheila. I don't ask where my bf is because I don't trust him, I ask because he hasn't told me what he's doing that day and I'm trying to get up with him. And if he asks where I am it doesn't bother me either. I think the way you ask the question has a lot to do with how it's taken–at least say hello to me first, don't try to put some bass in your voice and go "Where you at?" as soon as I pick up the phone. That's rude.

  8. I don't care who you are, you get to ask 4 questions in a row before I get quietly belligerent and shut it down or start drilling you and if you're not special to me (meaning you're not in my inner circle you might get 2…1 if you're lucky) the conversation starts going like this:

    You: What are you reading?

    Me: A book…

    You:….I know you're reading a book..

    Me: Then why did you ask? O_o

    You: *sucks teeth*…maaan, never mind

    Me: *goes back to reading*

    Seriously though, my folks know who, what, when, where and how without them asking questions…I just don't like feeling like I'm part of an inquisition….especially if I told you something before and again.

    1. I don't even give 4 questions before interjecting one of my own. Another question I've come to hate is "what are you eating?" What the f*ck does it look like I'm eating ya dunce.

      1. Exactly!! LOL. Another one is asking me what a movie is about or what just happened, when 1, I've never seen this movie and 2 you're sitting right.next.to.me watching it!! UM!!!

  9. In the start of relationships, people often volunteer that information. They'll hall on the way to their destination and tell the new person where they are going. Therefore, there's no need to ask questions. The problem comes when that behavior stops. Questions get asked, chests get puffy, and people get paranoid.

    I've been questioned. I have a tendency of being too available in the beginning soooo, three months in, when they call and can't reach me, all hell has been known to break loose. And by 'hell' I mean calling me 10 times in 30 minutes, leaving messages threatening to come to my house because I must be in a coma cus I'm not answering, and coming to my house. Sometimes I just don't want to talk.

    I must be honest. I only question for great detail when I want to know exactly where a dude is so I know he's not coming to where I am –possibly with another dude.

  10. i'm the type of person that will ask questions because i'm genuinely interested in what's going in my partner's life. this holds especially true if it's a long distance relationship and i don't see her that often. i usually don't have a problem answering questions either unless i feel like i'm being put on trial for something or i feel like she's asking questions in an attempt to catch me in a lie (if you are accusing me of something come right out and accuse me).

    i know one thing though. if i ask you what you are up to and you tell me "minding", that's the quickest way to get your feelings hurt especially if you want to know my whereabouts and what i'm up to.

  11. having a husband and 2 teenage boys, i have a tendency to "wander off" on saturday afternoons. sometimes i just need to BREATHE.

    my husband used to call me, but he stopped eventually (because i never pick up). i am never gone more than an hour or two…but i really cherish that time to be by myself. i could be at barnes and noble or petsmart, or shoprite…it's just doing something i want to do and hear myself think at the same time. my sons usually blow up my cell phone because they want a ride somewhere or money, or permission to do something that they don't want to ask their father for….with teenage boys, everything is URGENT.

    i never pick up. my answer upon return is…"really? were you calling? my phone was in my purse on vibrate…i really thought you all could survive for an hour or two without my being here…apparently i was wrong."

    that usually shuts them up because it affects their male egos….*shrug*…it is what it is.

  12. Personally I dont care if they ask…… usually Im not going anywhere important… But you will see my inner hoodrat if you ask in a accusatory tone.

  13. "I learned a long time ago not to ask questions I didn't want the answers to." – Darius Lovehall (Love Jones)

    With that said, a lot of people are overreacting when they get these questions. If someone asks you where you are at? It could be for 99 reasons except thinking that you are cheating. If they ask you who you are with, chances are they want to know if you can talk or if you are in mixed company. With that said…

    if you call your girl on some DMX – How's It Going Down tip like, "Bitch, you f*cking him!" then she has a valid point to be upset. But then again, I have to ask, how do people end up in those situations?! You have to be a little crazy to even be in a relationship with someone that crazy.

    1. "if you call your girl on some DMX – How’s It Going Down tip like, “Bitch, you f*cking him!” then she has a valid point to be upset."

      I gotta say, if a man ever called with that much venom in his voice, I think I might be genuinely scared, or at least perturbed. lol It takes a lot to jump from 0-180 like that.

  14. My ex-boo does stalker type ish (yes, he still stalks). He would call me and tell me where I was. Dating a very popular guy has it's ups and downs. All his homies and associates are always on the look out. Don't think about doing anything stupid. 9 times out of 10, he's going to find out about it.

    Ex-Boo: Hey Baby, what's up?

    Me: Just hanging out at the mall.

    Ex-Boo: My dude told me he saw you.

    Me: Oh yeah?

    Ex-Boo: Don't talk to any guys. You know I get jealous and sh*t.

    Me: *Silence*

    Ex-Boo: You coming over later?

    No matter how many times he does that, it still leaves me speechless. I never ask my dudes where they are or who their with. If they wanted me to know it would come out naturally without asking. "I'm over moms house watching the game. Wanna chill tonight?" However, if I ask what he's doing, it only means one thing. *Wink*

  15. It's never really bothered me to get the third degree about where I'm at. I'm an open book, and if I'm not up to no good then there should be no problem answering the question. If the question sounds more like a suspicious/accusatory manner, then I will happily call you out on it and make fun of you being paranoid. If it becomes a pattern that you're asking me in an accusatory tone, then we have bigger issues and they will be dealt with or I'll move on. I guess I just feel that there are bigger problems to deal with in relationships, so why get upset over a question. It's when it becomes a sign of something else that is the problem.

    I don't usually asks these questions of an SO. The only time I find myself asking anyone this question is to see if they are at the store or passing someplace and I want to ask if they'll pick up something for me. Other than that, do you. If we're in a relationship and it's not normal for me to know where you're at half the time (and vice-versa), there's another problem altogether. I don't think it's healthy to need to either be with a person or know where they are 100% of the time. If I'm suspicious, then there is a trust issue and I should have already talked to you about it.

  16. Being in a LDR has made me more curious as to what the booski is doing. I don't ask in sense of trying to sniff out unsavory behavior but I'm generally curious about his life and want to be in know when I go visit him. As for me, I never got vexed when a boo asked me where I'm going because I had nothing to hide and I was used to it. I tend to be a creature of habit to so after awhile there's no need to ask because chances he'll already know or I'll tell him on my way out of the door.

  17. Hey totally off subject but CONGRATS on the Essence Magazine mention in Jan 2010 edition pg. 62!!!! Wait am I late with this???

    1. This is soo weird..You wrote your comment as I was reading Essence..

      btw Congratttsss…….. with a dozen Lotus Blossoms..

  18. First, congrats on being mentioned in Essence Mag, I never even knew about your site before reading the new issue. I really like that both genders are on here, representing various points of view.

    As far as questions go, I tend to ask questions only if I plan on seeing that guy on a particular day. I agree alot with Remi, I am very spontaneous and may talk to a guy extensively one day and then he may not hear from me for a few days. It's not really on purpose, but I don't like following up behind anyone like that. I enjoy my space. A guy that I am currently dating has the tendency to contact me and ask where I am. I was initially a little abrasive, asking him why he wanted to know. I am a little more open now, because we're more intimate. The questions are still funny to me though. For example, I mentioned I was leaving from comedy club near his home, wanted to know when a certain restaurant closed, never mentioning who I was with. He automatically questioned if I was with my female friends. Then asked if I was going out afterwards. I found that to be quite hilarious when that had nothing to do with our conversation. A friend of mine says once you share "body parts" with someone, they tend to get more possesive. We shall see…

  19. Yes those are questions for the man/woman of your life not the jumpoff/FWB.

    I like the old "What you up to" by their response will allow you to know how much they are willing to disclose at the moment.


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