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The Angry/Mean Single Black Woman

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Jay told us that “30 is the new 20”.  Well, Ms. Andrew’s want’s you to know that “B*tch is the New Black”.

The Washingtonpost.com interviewed the author of a new relationship book coming out, and like 6 people sent me the link.  Helena Andrews talks about “B*tch is the New Black” and recants horror stories of being a single black female in Washington, D.C. and how this unleashes a mean streak in one too many females.

What was more interesting was my younger brother’s IM

LilBro: “You have got to read this article on the Washingtonpost.com.”
SBM: *virtual eye roll* “Like 5 people sent it to me. I think I’m going to boycott it.”
LB: “No man. It has changed my life and the way I think about women and dating.”
SBM: “I thought I was the one who brought about that kind of change in your life.”
LB: “LMAO. Just read it”
SBM: *pauses to read article* “Ok … done”
LB: “And …”
SBM: “I want the time I just wasted back. Not a thing in there I didn’t already know. I think one of the girls in the article I used to date.”
LB: “Well sorry all knowing one.”
SBM: “You’re forgiven.”

There are guys in DC that still haven’t been introduced to the tramatizing, drama-prone, perpetually lonely, money-making, angry black woman … really?  I guess some guys (me) just have all the luck.

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I am here to proudly proclaim and agree with the female author of this book.  The Happy “Strong Independent Black Woman” is a hoax.  It’s not impossible … some women pull it off … but most … don’t.  They hide a lot of pain under a tough exterior and are often too hard and too mean to those around them.  They are labeled as “b*tches”, called stuck-up, and mocked by their happier and bunned up counterparts.

I guess I should define this woman a little more … right?

She is mean: As the author says, these women use the “b*tch” mask to get through the day.

She is successful: It’s almost ironic that these women accomplish so much, but can often live miserable existences.  Good school, good job, good money … but still not happy.

She is chronically single: Rarely are they ever “dating seriously”, but short-lived “relationships” and FwBs galore.

She is boughie: Never really been able to define why boughieness runs through all of these lonely individuals, but I guess when you have a lot of disposable income and no one but yourself to spend it on, it creates a taste for the finer things in life.

Now … this might sounds weird … but you know … I feel bad for these women.  I honestly feel bad for them.

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And that is because … they are undateable and 90% of men know it.

I’ve dated more than one woman who falls into this category (I am happy to say that my current girlfriend exhibits none of these characteristics) and it’s always ended badly.  It’s frustrating, it’s annoying, and the only thing satisfying is the backshots.  Their unhappiness is infectious.

So, what’s to be done about these women?  They are good, successful, smart, and accomplished.  They represent what we want our children to achieve.  We can’t count them out yet.

I’m no expert (I just play one on a blog), but I am the smartest motherf*r round these parts am a black man who loves black women and has some theories (as always).  Two things I think will help every sister afflicted …

Stop being so strong

I understand every day at work someone will test you.  I understand society has a system that is meant to keep you docile and under-achieving.  And I understand you have to work harder than 3/4 of your counterparts to get the same thing … but damn … leave that sh* in the boardroom.  Men like to be … well … men.  We are strong and authoritative and blah blah blah … all the things that women “hate”, but gets you wet in the right places.  Two big swinging d*cks don’t mix … so please get soft and cuddly around us.  If you don’t know how … learn … asap.

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Expand your horizons

This one … this is gonna be hard … but you need to hear it.  There aren’t enough professional black men for every professional black women!  A lot of us “professionals” don’t need a professional woman … so 1/3 to 2/3 of the guys are gone already, and that is on top of the general shortage (black women achieve more than us men … period).  Stop thinking that a woman CEO needs a CEO husband … and once you start looking for something real rather than something that looks real good on paper … you might f* around and be happy.

I am one man … one mind … one opinion.  What do you think?  What is the cure for these women?  What will help bring happiness into their life and get people to stop joining b*tch and black?  Or are Ms. Andrews and I off … is there even a problem?

– SBM aka Mr. Let em know aka Strong Black Man aka “You would be cute … if you only smiled”

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Comment(253)

  1. Interesting, because once you're 30 something and single, you're automatically labeled as broken…an angry black bitch that's too bitter to find and/or keep a man.

    This may hold true for a small group of women, but this is not the majority…yet we are all clumped into one group.

    I had a man that asked me to tuck mine, because only one of us could have the beig penis in the relationship…not sure where this came from, but for some reason he was intimidated by me…I was giving..I gave him my time…myself, I actually allowed him to lead because I have no problem doing so…and guess what…he totally did not expect that, could not handle it, and went running for the hills.

    He kept bringing up this word "intimidating"…said I intimidated him when we first met. I asked if I still intimidated him to which he responded "no"…so then why are we discussing it I thought.

    Perception is reality…and if this is what you perceive us to be, then this is what we will be to you.

    1. I can't say I've met my match yet and truly been "intimidated" by a woman, but I can only imagine what the receiving end is like. If someone is repeatedly telling you that your actions are intimidating to him … then don't brush it off. Don't insult him as a result, and don't tell him to "man up".

      If you don't take it seriously … sh*t aint gonna work.

      Perception can often be reality … but rarely does it supersede reality. There is a chance you were really just intimidating now …

    2. Same thing happened to me. I did not understand why he was intimidated. This relationship did not work out. Once a man feel as if he's been demasculinized, he either tries to make you submissive or he RUNS..

    3. Oh?im thinking he has a complex!!! All them guys thinkin just cus theres a 30 lurkin that we should stop living…Hell NO!!!! so much crap like that going around… pls live ur life….why do u even bother!?

  2. Your solutions fit the problem well, nevertheless, seem as though they require a paradigm shift. Leaving stuff at work, learning to deal in different environments etc., are all easier said than done. Something that needs conscious attention and work; and possibly help from people around you who want that positive change for you. But how can that happen if these women are (already) not the hot commodity?

    Yes, their strength is needed and much beneficial (influence-wise and to themselves). Through nurture, I'm sure changes can come about that reflect attitudes of women who are positive, capable of being comfortable, optimistic etc. Women who attract men who want to be happy not otherwise.

    Success isn't life, nothing is good for you if you're not happy in your home (figuratively or literally). It can be a luxury for some nowadays, but it should be a priority right beside health.

    respect.

    1. I will say a serious paradigm shift is in order, and I fear it will never come.

      I hope her book and movie get super big and she uses the popularity to preach change and not just more of the same old BS.

  3. Ok, first off I noticed people roasting homegirl in the comments section of WashPo from that article – a lot of folks don't look past the surface to even grasp the message that she put out. But on the whole, I'm glad that I was able to find someone to look past my bullsh**, accept me for who I am and appreciate what I bring to the table. Really, what succesful woman of any hue doesn't fall into at least one of these categories at some time in her life? It's kind of funny, but based on all of the free "advice" floating around us Black women you'd think that women of all other ethinicities were docile, happy, well-adjusted creatures that we should model ourselves after if we are ever to attract a man. That's funny. At the same time, the numbers don't lie and something does need to change, and there is no one we can change but ourselves.

    My real wish is that more Black men would step up and claim the leadership role that they want so badly. Some of y'all want the perks of being the leader without putting in the work. You can't ask a woman to move backwards. Being with a man who actually plans stuff out, from where we go on a date to how we're gonna afford that vacation to how we'll save for our kids college is such a relief – all of the women I know would jump at the chance to take of the suit of armor and just let the man lead (rent Waiting to Exhale sometime and go to that scene where Whitney prematurely exhales on the dance floor, only to be confronted by her date's fiance, lol) . I certainly don't advocate the ABW syndrome, but for real…..if she's "more man than you" just back away slowly and get with a woman whose attitude and accomplishments suit you better.

    1. "My real wish is that more Black men would step up and claim the leadership role that they want so badly. Some of y’all want the perks of being the leader without putting in the work."

      I agree w/ this 1000%!! I don't think I am the ABW that is characterised in this article but I do think that more men should lead if they wished to be followed.

      What is the percentage on this ABW syndrome? The DC Metro area is so diverse? Does Ms. Andrews run in a tight circle? I dare to say there are not as many ABWs are she makes it seem.

      How many of these symptoms do we have to exhibit before being considered a ABW? Lol. I am chronically single — never a relationship longer than 6 months… sad but true, I am slightly successful — I make a great income but to call myself successful is a little much, I'm working on it though, I am a tad bit boughie but I haven't lost touch with reality. What am not… is mean… I am about the nicest person you'll ever meet, nor am I unhappy. However, after reading this I feel like Ms. Andrews makes it out to be inevitable.

      1. Agree..I'm angry at time but its because these men are slackers…If you read my post below…I really do think that we get labeled because of their shortcomings…A LOT of men just can't keep up with women, sad but true..

        1. whenever a woman sas she aint mean…she'sMEAN AS HELL!!

          seriously,

          As long as you stay tru to yourself, you will be fine. Sometimes sh*t doesn't work out, and we gotta understand this as well.

          Great post SBM

        2. I agree with you. I am a strong independent Black woman, though not by choice. I have changed careers, changed my environment , and changed the people I was around. My question is why do women have to sacrifice sucess, a nice home and car or dumb down to be with a man, I beleive men need to step their game up and give us more choices, less frustration and less things to be disappointed and angry about.

    2. I'm not saying that even the men out here with no sense, guidance, or leadership ability be given the reigns without question … but I do feel that for some women "claiming leadership" ends up being a huge power struggle … and it really shouldn't be that hard.

      Women have always lead the household, but just not directly. There is a certain dynamic that allows the relationship to work and power to be shared, but the blatant fight that some (not all, or even most) women put up is too much.

    3. YES Anna N!!!! Nuff said!…and I may exhibit some off these characteristics as a post-grad Black woman who can't find a man (lol I have to laugh at myself) but its not just a Black thing. A lot of upwardly mobile women have issues finding men. And I agree that men need to step up to the position they want so dearly.

    4. I totally agree! I refuse to allow a man to take the lead if he's not up to the task. If I can't trust your decision making skills and logic, I guess I'll have the balls then.

      1. If you can't let him take the lead because you don't "trust" in his leadership abilities … than you need to be done with him … not fighting him for control.

  4. How do you "cure" this (whatever that means) if you don't know what has caused it? Or not have anyone make the effort to find out?

    1. On a personal level, i think you "cure" it, or at least make it better by trying to figure out what caused it. Self analysis is always a good thing and can help you figure out why you act the way you do within relationship. IMO self analysis is best done when you're not in a relationship. Most women I know who finally "find the one" do it after a period of being alone and taking the time to figure out what has gone right and what has gone wrong in past relationships and how their attitude and actions contributed to this.

      I don't really think you, as you stated, need to "have anyone make the effort to find out". The responsibility to do that lies with an individual. As black women, I don't think we need anyone to "fix us", we need to fix ourselves.

      1. I agree with you both, but I would also argue that whatever is ailing Black relationships is not solely the responsiblity of Black women. I can work on myself til the cows come home, but I've seen plenty of good women penalized just for having their lives together and requiring a man to, well – be a man.

        1. It's easy to think this post and associated article (and book and movie) are blaming failing black relationships on black women. I'll admit that ya'll get beat up a lot (not that us men don't get it from every which way also).

          But … I want to really stress that its a specific type of women I (and I believe Helena) was focusing on. They aren't destroying society or anything, but they apparently they are suffering in silence (her words). That's who I personally was talking to.

      2. Yeah, but if you don't think you're angry but everyone you've been in a relationship does..how much self analysis is going to make you see different, if you think they're the problem.

        My point is that she can analyze the hell out if herself but if she keeps coming to the same conclusion and it's the the "right" one..what then.

        @SBM_ I don't think it was solely blaming black women…that's why i asked "What do you do when you don't have anyone make the effort to find out why you're "angry" or even have enough care for you to ask the question? You just keeping being angry because you don't think you are?

  5. Ne-Yo "Miss Independent"=National Anthem for Women

    "She is successful,She is boughie"… I've always had a taste for finer things…I have others to spend my money on, but I have to cater to myself first…and a lot…

    I was told that I would turn into the female above if I don't "tone my isht down". A lot of men are intimidated by independence. I've been told that I'm "intimidating", that I act like a "prude", and that I'm straight up "mean". Often people tell me that they would've never known that I was a "nice person", if they did not take the time out to get to know me. After my friend got off line, he was like "damn Lotus, everyone know that your smart, focused and that you accomplish isht, but don't walk around here looking like your ready to kill the first person that approaches you". He also told me that he was afraid to talk to me because he thought I would punch him in the face….0_o…(MY FRIEND IS MAD DRAMATIC). Now SBM readers, I am not a violent person, and I am very nice.

    My ex boyfriend told me that I wasn't affectionate…blah blah blah…It seems like once some women have gained their independence, their desire for men ceases (this has happened to a couple women that I know). I know women that are completely satisfied with their success, that the need for a man comes once in a while…and no its not for sex…its for comfort on these cold winter nights that we've been having in NY: Boo Lovin season..

    This is where my being mean derives from: I have a low tolerance for slackers because I have goals. I'm totally happy with my life, but on a daily basis when I hear some bs that irks the hell out of me and gets me flustered, I get upset and it shows… So when a man tells me that I'm intimidating, then I automatically assume that he's not doing something on his end to keep up with me…Okay, so I apologized to my ex for not being soo affectionate…but I had a lot of isht on my mind…and that relationship was good as done anyway… Then the guy that I was recently talking to, when I told him that I "care" about him, he told me that he was surprised. He said that I'm so focused on being a strong black woman, that he didn't think that I have time to "care"…0_o..This was all miscommunication, I'm not trying to rationalize my actions, but I was just "talking" to this guy that happened to be a childhood friend. I knew that whatever we had was not going that far, however, I still cared about him, but refused to extend my "mushy gushy-boo-lovinness/pookie come over here and give me a kiss to him"….

    That is all…feel free to comment…

    So your girl is single and working on herself… 🙂

    1. I think if you took a step back and re-read your post as if someone else wrote it, you'd have more than a little advice to give.

  6. On a sidenote … I just want to itereate that this isn't all Black Women … it's only the ones that fall under the description made by the author and those are the only one seeking "cures".

    Please don't take this as a "all black women aint sh**" type of post … far from it.

  7. SBM you da man. I wouldn't have stepped in this mess with a body suit on.

    I don't have anything disrespectful to say just some advice that I gave someone last week. When you think about yourself, your personality and reputation, consider your goals. If you are not yielding the expected goals, then you need to reevaluate yourself. There is nothing wrong with anyone if they are getting what they want out of life. But if you want a man and you don't have one, chances are they way you are approaching the situation is flawed.

  8. The plight of the "strong" black woman…doomed to be single. She's successful and independent, but there's a shortage of successful black men so she should date outside of her race in order to meet a man who's on an equal playing field. BUT at the same time, she is not really desired by men outside of her race, so she is destined to die alone, childless, but successful. On the flip side…if she manages to get into a relationship with the ever elusive successful black man…she's too much of a b*tch to keep him…o and let's not forget…all black men cheat anyway.

    Ahhhhh! lol i swear if i lived my life based on what is shoved down my throat everyday (pause) i would lose all hope in relationships! This stuff is all very very depressing and tiring! Then there are all the articles that tell u what to do in order to get a man. My degrees are too intimidating…so i should dumb myself down. I'm not a huge fan of PDA but i should throw that out the window and slob on his nob in public to prove how much of a woman i am…Why is the focus always on what women need to do to get a man? It makes my head hurt…

    I'm smart, pretty, successful, domesticated–i cook, clean, know how to cater to my man etc. So i'm doing all of the things that i am supposed to do to get a man but i still don't have one…so what is wrong with me? What am i doing wrong? I had to stop listening to that stuff bc it was honestly affecting my self esteem.

    I am single and have been for a while. I'm not even seriously dating anyone at the moment and that's ok. I've had opportunities to date, but i am past the point of dating just to date. If my intuition tells me from jump that it's not going to work…i'm not going to even waste my time. Despite all of the articles and conversations that say i am doomed to be single forever…i just don't feel like that is in my future. Idk maybe i am naive…

    1. Don't forget that all Black men who wear ties are DL. Let's not forget about that one. You know these articles come around once or twice a year. I've held my breath, fainted, been revived, fainted, been revived and still haven't seen any articles about why Black men are choosing to marry later, be arrogant, etc. Promise to revive me next time I faint from holding my breath. Thanks!!

      1. I'm not going to lie … I do not envy the professional black woman when it comes to the blogosphere.

        I'm not going to sit here and lie like I haven't jumped in and gotten in a few shots, but I do want to say that the professional black women I'm writing about today and that is often talked about is NOT EVERY STRONG BLACK WOMAN.

        I have seen (and am happily bunned to) living proof that you can be a professional black woman with out being the stereotype.

        1. CO-SIGN. I got me a happy sweet and kind ivy leaguer, Haitian (it matters to my mother), with a big butt …..

          But I'll be damn if we start spreading lies about how what I have is the norm.. my booboo is one of a kind.

  9. When I read the article I came away wanting to know more about her background. I'm sure her angry Black persona stems from something other than her being Black and successful on paper. Was she one of those outcast kids who thought that she'd show everyone who dogged her by growing up and being successful? Was she dogged out by so many dudes that she developed a hard shell. (If so, where's the article about who those men did that or the effects of being the outcast child?) Her attitude might be based on the fact that she has achieved all of the things she seeks in a mate. But duh! Men don't usually care about all of that. In DC so long as you have one degree, a good enough job (and that's even debatable), and look good, you can get and keep a man.

    Having said all that, I wouldn't want to be around this woman. She's unhappy and I bet all of her friends are unhappy. They probably sit around bouncing their anger off of each other. I have an associate like this. We used to be really good friends, before she entered corporate America. All those skills that make her successful at work do nothing for her romantic OR platonic relationships. I wish I could post a video of her interacting with people. She's rude and doesn't let man, woman, or child get a word in edgewise.

    As for what I'd tell this chick, I'd tell her to keep doing what she's doing. She's thinning out the herd. This is why I think there's not as great of a disparity in the number of available men and women. These chicks, for the most part, remove themselves from the mating pool by having 'stank ass' attitudes. Frankly, her attitude isn't even well-deserved. I guess I'll just go out and say it. No man is going to put up with foolishness from some extra regular looking chick. She had better tone it down because everyone knows women who less than 8's get cut at the second sign of nasty-crazy.

    So do we get articles about why Black men aren't marrying as much or making as much? Is that going to be for Black History Month?

      1. What do you want me (and us) to admit to? Already wrote about us not wanting to settle down until we're old, professional black men feeling like they can play the field for … well … ever, and even the "single young man" and the perpetual state of youthfulness we now enjoy?

        Should I take the blame for slavery too? I guess we just should have fought them whips a little harder!

        1. Yes. You should take the blame for slavery as well especially since it seems many men are still trapped in the thought process that, even as they have absolutely NO IDEA what it takes to a family man of positive influence, they know everything. So yeah…slavery of your mind is a good place to start. When men start recognizing that what they know to be "truth" is just a big bunch of mumbo, jumbo male ego nonsense…only THEN will the process of building a relationship begin. Right now it seems to be a dang joke and there is no way in West Hades I'd tell a woman…ANY woman to listen to a single man tell her how to "ack."

          Nerp.

          My apologies for coming over here to your lovely crib being a dissenter but blame Ms. Smart. Somehow I always end up where she is. LOL!

        2. @Creole

          No apologies needed. If I didn't want people to tell me about myself I would disable the comments … or just not blog.

          But you know I disagree. While every women shouldn't listen on how to "ack" by just any man, just as I have learned a lot by listening to women and adjusting my demeanor and attitude when needed, the same thing can be said for the above described women.

          If you are going to say a blanket statement like no women should listen to any man when it comes on how to "ack" … your dead wrong and gonna have some women out here set up.

    1. If the problem is women who have achieved their goals, which have undoubtedly made them successful and intimidating to a few men, then why won't the men who complain about them make a trek to the Section 8 part of the city and find a woman who will make him feel like the MAN. You see, all she'll expect from him is enough money to buy herself a weave and some more lime green fingernail polish. Oh…Sorry…and the 12.00 per month that she's obligated to pay on her rent. He won't have to buy any food because food stamps take care of that obligation. I guarantee you that no MAN will feel intimidated when he's in the arms of what mainstream America feels is representative of the average Black Woman, e. g. welfare recipient.

      Of course this entire discourse is meant to be facetious. The truth of the matter is that daily stressors affect women the exact same way that they affect men. Women become upset over job, familial and relationship related issues, and when they come home, they want and expect the same type of understanding and comfort that a man expects. It's not a gender specific thing; it's a human thing.

      I've read in this blog where some men say they don't care about the success that many black women have achieved. I find that strange for this reason: A PROFESSIONAL black man would never marry a black woman who does not have a college education. A professional black man, would however, marry a woman of another race who has absolutely no degree at all. For example, a black M.D. would never marry a black nanny or waitress, but he might consider this if her ethnicity were other than black. Her "otherness" makes up for the lack of a degree. I don't need to rehatch the nomenclature of black men who have fallen into this same scenario. Oh yeah…Tiger and OJ….have fun with your "drama free" otherness!

      What's missing from both men and women of color is the intrinsic ability to trust each other. The mind labrynth of "if I marry him/her will I lose all that I've worked for?" or the "if I marry him/her how long will it be before infidelity compromises my marriage?" or "if I marry him/her how will I overcome the inevitable boredom that will infiltrate my marriage?"

      The best that we can do is to work on bettering ourselves. We can't make people into what we want them to be. We have to determine the types of idiosyncrasies that we can deal with in our significant others and move on from there…….MUCH LOVE

  10. i have friends who are ABW's, I try to inform them that they are but it's only met with cuss words, rolling necks, and waving fingers….

    Here's a recent convo I had with an ABW friend of mine:

    ABW: so if you love dark-skinned girls so much why haven't you tried holla at me?

    Carver: i doubt i'd be able to handle your attitude

    ABW: i don't have no mfing attitude problem, what are you talking about?!

    Carver: my point exactly.

    one thing i've noticed about most ABW's is that they NEED to challenge any and every thing you say (see above). Especially on topics they have no knowledge on. This is not only illogical but it's annoying.

    I understand that Black women have it harder than anyone else, but that doesn't give license to treat ninjas like suspects before you have concrete evidence on us.

    1. You have no right to "inform" anyone about anything. Unless asked, people should keep their opinions about others to themselves. The conversation you had was critical of your friend and that is why you got the response you got. It has nothing to do with her being an ABW. What should she have said "oh, you disapprove of me? how wonderful for you to share! Now let me go change myself to suit what you think of me, then when I meet the next dude, let me change myself again to suit what he thinks of me!" Please. She is indeed the total authority on herself, not you! How dare you even assume yourself to be more knowledgeable about what she needs then she does. So your statement "especially on topics they have no knowledge on" is questionable at best.

      1. Did she not ask him why he didn't like her? How is she going to ask for some information on her … and then respond in such a crass and mean way? The comment was solicited … not unwanted.

        Am I missing something?

      2. Just as if she asked him why he didn't wear green suits.. I'm sure his example was meant to show the reaction of an asked question.

  11. Great post SBM.

    I'm sure you more than know how I feel about this type of woman. But I'm going to say this…

    Women are who are like this need a reality check. And I'd be willing to bet everything in the bank AND my next four checks that these same women are the ones who think that men need to treat them like a princess while they do nothing in return and are screaming about how their granddaddies treated their grandmamas….but they CLEARLY skipped the day in class where we learned about how women like Coretta and Betty carried themselves in their homes.

    And not to beat an already dead horse, but just take the President and First Lady. In what brief amount of time I saw them (don't worry I DVRed last night) I understood that while she is successful and powerful in her own right she gets that she needs him and she knows that if he's shining so is she. Neither one diminishes the other's light. Meanwhile, these sister's with these fancy degrees, too much money and upwardly mobile lifestyle are quick to down on a brother who's trying to love them for them. That's the part where they're stupid. No worries though… my single degreed (albeit in the process of getting more) behind loves the man who's working and showing that he wants to appreciate a woman. I got my own… I'll happily add to you, but please, please, please ladies…calm all that down and maybe you can quit complaining about why you can't get a date or you're spending Christmas alone. It just might be cause you don't eat at the Outback.

    1. Jaci I totally agree with your post.

      SBM you are right on point with this post.

      Another issue that I see all too often is many of these women live in constant denial that they're like this and they especially don't want to hear the truth from a man's perspective, even when they ask. Most times, they only want their perceptions to be backed up by and if they aren't then the opposing party is wrong. I appreciate men like you who are openly willing to share their own experiences and observations. We as black women sort of have a sense of false entitlement because of the general plight of the black man…but at the same time we don't acknowledge our own contributions to the overall problem. I thank God that I'm not in denial about what I want or expect from a man and that I'm humble enough to realize that there is no such thing as a pink unicorn in a relationship or anything else. Just because I worked my ass off to get these degrees, this lifestyle and make this salary, doesn't mean that there's a man out there who's stats are equal to mine and who will cart me away on his big white horse. I just learned to keep my options open and the true love I found came in a completely different package. But it's okay some I'm loving being in love and my life and those other "independent" b****es who don't wake up will continue to find themselves alone and hanging out in the club with their like minded home girls.

      1. I agree with Kisha, but even with a positive attitude I'm still perpetually single. I'm so up-beat and approachable that clinically insane men flock to me. lol. C'est la vie. Congrats to you Kisha, you're one of the lucky ones. 🙂

  12. Intimidated? I don't even know any dudes that talk like that. Sounds like some of yall are opening the doors to the wrong type of dudes. But I find the biggest problem to be womens expectations. And women not having control over their mouths.

    As far as expectations, I see a lot of women looking for a man making 6 figures with a PhD. Good luck with that. That's probably about 1% of the male population. Still many others have ridiculous expectations. I've met my share of black women making good money but still living waaaay beyond their means. Then they expect a man to buy into all that. Take them on exotic vacations etc etc. Once again it's that hollywood fantasy relationship. Then if a brother doesn't live up to that expectation he is called cheap or told he needs to step his game up.

    Then there is the mouth. Soon as you get mad you start talking about how we need to step it up. Or inferring that we are lucky to be with you since you make so much money. That esmaculating shit will have you playin wit toys on a Saturday night real quick.

    Well please excuse my rant. I think in the 90s we thought the biggest issue for the black community was fathers. But more and more I think it is the relationships between black women and black men. It is seriously broken. And to be honest we make it about money when it's really not.

  13. There is nothing left to say. This is arguably the most important post in the History of the black internets.

    SMB laid it out there, its only ON YOU if you are going to listen. You can fingerpoint and blame men all you want, at the end of the day.. your ass is still going to be single feeling ashamed hugging on to your vibrator IN the dark watching episodes of Ugly Betty friday night eating dinner for ONE.

    The key point here is SBM's statement about 'dateable.' You need to look at the question seriously… don't tell me "I'm perfect, I should have the perfect man. I got looks, body and success. Every man should want me." I see this in the comment section all the time @ threeways. Look at your personality. Would someone want to be with YOU for the rest of their life.. putting up with your ish? B/c your little degree isn't going to mean anything to a man when he is trying to enjoy the Giants play and you are yapping in his ear about some damn X-mas houselights. Can you make a man happy?!!? If not, you need to either get with SBM's 'Become less of a B!tch in 30 days' Program or remain single (nothing wrong with that) and stop spreading anti-male propaganda: i.e. 'They aint no good black men.' The good black men just don't want your negative ass.

    Can a brother get a tabernacle?

    1. I totally agree. My problem wasn't just that she was angry, but she set herself up for failure. Did anybody catch the line where she said she wasn't even attracted to the dude she was currently seeing? And given the fact that his nickname is Cornrows & she clowned him for the strawberry air freshener in his car, you can pretty much assume that she treats this dude in a less than respectful manner.

      I'm 21 and a native ATLien, and neither I nor my 28 year old sister have EVER had a problem pulling men; specifically, men who treated us well. We're both very nice young ladies but we don't play games, so the game players step off. We make time for the men in our lives but they had to earn their place by being courteous, kind and responsible and in return they are showered with support, respect and affection.

      Women receive the brunt of relationship advice because we are the ones who are ALWAYS complaining. We complain to everybody who gives us half an ear to listen, and the squeaky wheel gets the grease! We can blame men all we want to, but at the end of the day we can only control our own behavior. And most of the time, changing your own behavior wreaks a significant change in the results. Okay, I'm dropping the mic now! lol

    2. Chuuuch. (Chuuuch) Tabernacle. (Tabernacle) Preach. (Preach) / Everybody loves a piiimp.

      Sorry, Slim Thug popped up on iTunes shuffle just now haha.

      Yessir bruh, all day.

  14. Q. Why don't successful black men marry?

    A. Because they don't want their pockets raped and they get all the benefits of a wife without giving the courts control over their bank accounts.

    A. Also because society (and especially women :- ) tells men that they are not men until they own a home and can provide for a family. In todays world it can take you well into you 30s to achieve that and even then you may have to give up on certain dreams. So more men are choosing to be single to avoid the finacial burden.

    Hope that helps ladies.

    1. I don't know where my original response to this comment went but anyway…

      First, I do not know you in real life of blog world. The following statements are based solely on my observations of men my friends and I have met, gone to school with, live next door to, etc.

      Do men not know their grandfathers? Back then, their pride was tied to being able to feed, clothe, and house their family. Nothing too-too extravagant. Then theyy would build with their wives.

      I've found that the young men who are blaming finance on why they refuse to marry (but spend $ dating) also want their wives (when they get them at 35+) to work outside the home and split half of the bills–roommate style. So if they were REALLY waiting to be financially able to be the head of household, they wouldn't NEED their wife's income to pay half the bills. So all those years they spent saying they couldn't marry because they weren't financially able is BS because when they finally do get married, they aren't able to financially take care of everything then either.

      1. The fact that he used the word "raped" to describe how he feels about money already tells me everything I need to know about him.

        Seriously. The use of certain words is always VERY telling. Next he'll be saying some ish like…"All these females want…"

        Just…EW.

  15. This is an unfortunate catch-22 for women. Being independent so she doesn't have to wait around for a man to sweep her off her feet or be labeled a gold-digger, yet being too successful that she's "intimidating". Success is also another issue because most successful women aren't willing to "date down" and cut down their available pool of men, but most men more successful than her has plenty of options . To make matters worse, the successful man works with the aggressive goal-oriented chick every day, doesn't like what he sees, and learns to avoid them altogether.

    I'm not sure what the solution is, I just know it's a problem. All I can suggest is:

    1. If you are the aggressive type, limit it to the workplace. Men like competitiveness, but not in our relationships.

    2. Realize men are simple creatures with simple pleasures. We don't care that much about your degree/s, career, salary or benefits package, especially if we are successful too. Remember the wise words of Chris Rock: food, sex, silence.

    3. Realize focusing on your career and not your life will probably result in you being 40 years old and alone.

    4. A successful team has one quarterback. Let him lead. If he can’t, then move on, but give him the chance.

    5. Listen. Don’t challenge everything. Men learn to choose their battles. You won’t get your way every time.

    6. Learn to be happy. Focus too much on your career and work-related stress begins to spill over into other areas of your life.

  16. Ms. Smart: ”… still haven’t seen any articles about why Black men are choosing to marry later, be arrogant, etc.”

    Because outside of religious reasons, there are few reasons for a man to get married and very good reasons not to. Women give us everything without the commitment, so why risk the emotional stress, losing our children and half of our life’s work?

    1. Exactly. But there are no really good reasons for women to get married either. She can have a kid and raise it alone. Let's be real. A lot of married women act as single parents because their husbands don't do shyt. They could have the kid, be unmarried, etc.

      Women have been jedi-mind fugged into believing marriage is the ultimate in validation of worth.

      1. I wouldn't EVER say it's the ultimate in validation of worth but I will say that it used to be and SHOULD be the normal natural progression of life. We are not meant to be alone.

        *CUE MICHAEL JACKSON*

        1. CreoleInDC: "I ain’t mad at a woman who doesn’t want to date a short dude either. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

          I'm not mad at her either. But don't turn around and say that women aren't shallow.

      2. You are right … women don't have anymore reason to get married than we do.

        But as the article I referenced pointed out … it's not men that are having issues with things. I don't here too many guys complaining about being single.

        1. I hear men OVER 30 complaining all the time. These are men who thought they could ride through their 20's and early 30's playing the field or who married their college/grad school sweetheart and divorced by 30. Then they wake up at 35+ lonely and realizing that 'good' women are few and far between. BUT, when these men say they can't find 'good' women, what they really mean is they can't find anyone who fits the mold. Most of them define 'good' based on looks FIRST.

          Soooo, they end up marrying the first chick they come across who appears docile. She bores them to death but has kids. By 40 the dudes are completely miserable and stepping out. I'm not saying it to scare any of y'all but this is the stuff that's happening. They all thought they had time just like we women still think we can easily have babies at 45. All hype!

        2. @Ms. Smart: Dating from age 34 and beyond should come with a playbook that you and I should write.

          Me cocky…you smart…we both cute. Think our "rules" would apply to the masses? Prolly not huh?

        3. @Ms. Smart: Oh…and you're absolutely right. Men have fooled themselves into thinking the one will be there waiting when he decides he's ready. *BLINK* And then…when he starts desperately seeking…he hones in on looks first. I can't STAND when a man tells me my husband is a lucky man once I shoot down his advances. My answer is usually…"How do you know? The only thing you know concrete about me is that I'm cute." BIG.DUMMY.

        4. Let me just come in and interject that women are just as shallow as men.

          They are close to looks, but degrees, cars, and clothes are all shallow things too.

          Please don't get it twisted.

        5. @Ms. Smart: You beat me to it. Women look for a man who has what it takes to be a successful family man. Men find the baser elements necessary FIRST and then get it twisted.

        6. Interesting how "what it takes to be a good man" usually involves a nice car, nice job, enough comma's in the salary, and designer labels.

          Did ya'll read the article? You hear how they were talking about "Cornrows"?

        7. And to my earlier point, this chick is unhappy. But find me one Black man who is successful outside of the music or sports industry who has braids? Seriously. Find me one. No, find me ten. You can't. Just like neck tattoos. LOL

        8. CreoleInDC: "You beat me to it. Women look for a man who has what it takes to be a successful family man. Men find the baser elements necessary FIRST and then get it twisted."

          If you truly believe that, look in the archives on this site and check out the comments made by women about short men or poorly endowed men. Women are just as shallow.

        9. @Creole.

          Thanks for proving me and Hugh's shallowness argument. I thought I was gonna have to dig through the archives.

          @Hugh

          Today is like a throwback to the old days …

        10. Men don't have to settle or worry about finding the one by any age.

          Even if the good ones his age are taken, he could always pull a Hugh Heffner and date them sexy young things that LOVE older guys. That is why I love college girls, b/c the older I get….. the easier they are.

          Meanwhile, as a women gets older…. she loses her beauty, is less likely to reproduce, her overall worth completely decreases.

        11. @ CreoleinDC

          "”How do you know? The only thing you know concrete about me is that I’m cute.” BIG.DUMMY."

          Perhaps you should give men a little more credit. He may not have a bunch of "concrete" evidence, but he might have some clues. First, yes, he knows that you are "cute". For all you know, he may have sized you up long before he came over to you and observed the way you carried yourself (for example, the way you interacted with the cashier, may have said thank you when someone held the door open for you, they way you ate or sipped on your drink which may suggest that you are ladylike and have hometraining, the manner in which you are dressed, your tight fade if to him it suggests something about your confidence, the book you were reading, the way you shook your head at the unruly kids running by you in the mall, the way you interacted with the stranger who asked you for directions etc.). Then, when he approached, you responded in a way that reflected your respect and love for your relationship, which response may have confirmed his initial favorable assumptions about you. And, thus he responded that your husband is lucky.

          Then again, since we are all incredibly shallow, maybe it was just your LBs and tight jeans that led him to respond that way.

        12. They complain about being single. The truth is, running from one woman to the next without some sort of feeling attached to either of them is the equivalent of being emotionally lonely.

      3. "Women have been jedi-mind fugged into believing marriage is the ultimate in validation of worth."

        Excellent point.

  17. 2. Realize men are simple creatures with simple pleasures. We don’t care that much about your degree/s, career, salary or benefits package, especially if we are successful too. Remember the wise words of Chris Rock: food, sex, silence.

    _________________________________

    So true. Women need to realize if a man has his own stuff than he is not dating you for your money, degrees or home. He is just looking for a women to be a women.

    1. I'd say this is more often the case with Southern men than Northern men. I'll also say this would be the case with NORMAL men. When you start dealing with the dude who thought he was the ish in high school and college only to end up with a cubicle job when he always thought his looks and charm would get him anything he wanted…the bitter taste of disappointment in his own life will lead him to try and find someone who validates , from the outside looking in, who he feels HE should be. This dude often played a sport and wasn't good enough for pro but still thinks he deserves it. To this day he's walking around in athletic gear with grandiose ideas of "training." ROFL!

      That same dude is the one who will want a woman to be a period piece wife and wait on him hand and foot while she works hard at the office as well.

      Yeah ladies…listen to dudes. They ONLY want to help you.

      ROFL!

      1. To be honest, I think everyone wants to be validated.

        Every man wants a woman who will make him feel like a success and capable to take over the world. Every woman wants a man who will make her feel like a woman, beautiful, and accomplished.

        One (of many) problems with the above described women is they often hate validating others, but need more validation than your average woman. They need to "feel like a woman" but they also need to feel like accomplished, successful, and "the sh*t".

        Your hating on all us dudes today kinda hard Creole …

        1. @Street: Why I'm mad? ROFL! I'm a cocky Black woman who CAN be a mean bitch and yet…I have what so many have been brainwashed into believing is unobtainable.

          @SBM: I just need the "semblance" of fairness to be more balanced is all. Men be on that bullish so much they have fooled themselves into thinking folks need to "listen" to them. The only ones listening are those who don't believe in themselves anymore and have given in to that niggling of self doubt to be in a full blown identity crisis as to who they are and what they should be able to expect.

        2. Creole,

          Real talk, you lost me. So men dont need to be listened to? Isnt that counterintuitive to healthy communication? I don't know you not mad, but you mad

        3. @street: No…that would be my "hearing" what you have to say instead of you beating your dang chest like I NEED to "listen" to you just because you're THE MAN. Um…no. What's your background playa? Where you come from? Who your people be? Were you raised right? Are you respectful? Have you lived most of your life with empathy? HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN TRYING TO GET YOUR HO-MACK-STROLL on?

          All of these need to be taken into consideration before ANY woman listens to a single man.

          Women…listen to your father, your big brother, your great-uncle, etc. Men who CARE about you and TRULY want the best for you. Not some random dude looking to get chosen for tonight or maybe a week or two ONLY.

        4. @Creole

          Yeah son … you mad.

          I really don't know why you keep saying women need to listen to a man. First off … the article, book, and movie in question was written by a WOMAN!!!!!

        1. Now THAT'S some tabernacle for your azz right there!

          "All the single ladies, all the single ladies, all the single ladies, all the single ladies…put your hands up…"

          Yall better "listen."

        2. You're quoting Beyonce in order to make your point. Lawd …

          No one is telling you to go after "non-normal" men. But why is it the women talked about in the article can't get these "normal" men. Are you trying to say that their aren't any "normal" men?

          Exactly WTF are you trying to say? I think my feeble male mind is confused.

        3. Well…I do understand WhyTF you don't understand what I'm saying. It's because you're a man who wrote something you thought was GOLD JERRY GOLD and then ran into a woman who doesn't believe that JUST because YOU wrote it does NOT make it so.

          Simple.

          This is why single men should not be trusted until their background and motives have been made CLEAR.

          You mad Tuan?

      2. Oh God.

        I'm hit.

        It hurts too bad… Creole just killed me. That remarks are too accurate, some how she look into the internet read about my life and made a comment about it. She must be 'an agent'.

        Damn!

        Eff you Creole, this aint a cubicle its just an office with small walls! LOL!

        I could have been pro..if I didn't hurt me knee!

  18. I understand where a lot of this comes from.

    But it seems as though sometimes as black women, you just cant win.

    In the last month, I've listened to men I'm dating go on and on about their pasts and how "the trouble with black women" or some variation of this post affected the relationship…

    It comes up in conversations all the time, and I usually don't say much.. I just listen because I know its true on some levels..And

    I always think, I havn't even DONE any of these things to you. Why are you pre-judging me because of what happened to you in the past? How do you know that I am this way? Why are we talking about this right now?

    Not all women are this way.

    It is frustrating for a man, I'm sure. But, look at why a woman might be that way. A woman can be sweet, together, and drama free and men still act like shes doing something wrong. After being stepped on or passed over too many times… it might make a woman give up and focus on herself.

    I went through an ABW phase after being stepped on a few times…But, its counterproductive to what I want. Which is a companionship. At the end of the day, I am LOOKING for someone to cater to and to nurture, and to share with. As with anything in life, you just have to learn how to balance a situation and let things go.

    I just tell myself that, even though it seems like the world is against black women, especially black men, all I can do is be good to the man in front of me at the time and hope that the sees whats important.

    As long as I don't approach a man pre-judging him, stereotyping him or anything like that, but just genuinely try to get to know him and appreciate him, I like to think I'll be okay.

  19. This is a great post. I don't think there is just 1 solution to this situation but I'll keep this short. A lot of black women that fall into this category fairly and unfairly but the common excuse for why they're being labeled is because they're independent. Merriam-Webster defines independent as not subject to control by others. Perhaps the described meanness is actually apprehension from the thought of being controlled. This is understandable but I think its important to reflect on how you've treated men and what their response was if you want to be successful in dating. If you're incapable of doing a self-assessment, you can't possibly ever have a successful relationship. So with that said, if you're claiming to be independent, I hope you're not in the club looking for someone to buy you a drink aka buy your time for a quick conversation. And fellas, stop buying drinks. If you approach a woman in a respectful manner and attempt to spark a conversation without buying a drink and you get the ABW, let her ass stay single.

    1. I really think your mention of self-assessment is key. This goes for any relationship in life, you should be confident, respectful and comfortable enough to listen to people's opinions especially those dealing with your personality. If you can take a compliment of how impressive your lifestyle is, you should accept some positive criticism on the detriments of your attitude.

      People say Mina is this and that all day long, and because of healthy 'me-time' and self-reflecting, I 9 times out of 10 think they have no idea what they're talking about, nevertheless, there will never be a comment I hear that doesn't go acknowledged. Because people's comments don't (usually) come out of the blue. The point isn't to eat up what other people are recommending is good for you. The point is to listen to people, who, from a valid external viewpoint, see something in you. Excess self-defense will only blind you further and protect you from what could possibly be better for you.

      In general, how you treat people and how they respond to that should be a clear indicator of a few things. It's okay to be wrong, to be told you're wrong and to change accordingly. AND it's also okay to not be wrong, be told you're wrong and either explain or simply accept that the other person doesn't understand you. Either scenario should not be so upsetting. You have 'everything' but success is a holistic thing, being a sociable, approachable and delightful person is a success also.

      respect.

    2. First and foremost … thanks for reiterating that no man should still be buying random chics drinks. Appreciate that.

      Second, I think you may have hit the head the nail on the head. If anyone has every read the "7 Habits of Highly Effective People", inter-dependence comes after independence and is the final stage. If you never get there … stay single and save us the drama and wasted time.

  20. "@Creole

    No apologies needed. If I didn’t want people to tell me about myself I would disable the comments … or just not blog.

    But you know I disagree. While every women shouldn’t listen on how to “ack” by just any man, just as I have learned a lot by listening to women and adjusting my demeanor and attitude when needed, the same thing can be said for the above described women.

    If you are going to say a blanket statement like no women should listen to any man when it comes on how to “ack” … your dead wrong and gonna have some women out here set up."

    NOTE: I don't understand yall reply system over here so I'll just cut and paste.

    I made a blanket statement just as the post, however thought provoking, was targeting a blanket audience. All women aren't the same just as all men aren't. We all know that. But game always recognizes game. As a cute chick…hell…I've peeped more game than a lil bit and…in calling menfolk out who are trying it…actually edited the game playbook. ROFL!

    1. The post was a blanket statement?

      I was talking to one specific type of women defined by a woman in the referenced article. I even went through the trouble to try and define this woman a little more.

      I even then went a clarified in the comments that I don't mean every woman, nor every black woman, nor every professional black woman.

      I know this is gonna start some sh*t … but … Why are you so Angry?

      1. And there you have it. Just because I'm a Black woman who disagrees with something and VOICE my opinion…I gotta be instantly labeled an Angry Black Woman. I knew it wouldn't take long before it was slung. LOL! I knew that if I didn't lay back my ears and come with my tail between my legs in agreement saying…"You right, you right…this is a GREAT post! CHURCH!"…I would end up being the ABW.

        Lemme go change my shirt. I have an ABW one around here somewhere. LOL!

        1. I'm not calling you Angry because you disagree. I love it when people disagree. The site is boring when everyone just gives me the tabernacle.

          I'm calling you mad because you seem … well … mad.

          My bad for stating the obvious. I can call it something else if that helps.

          Why you so foshiggled?

  21. I found this article to be partially accurate not only in the DC area, but in other parts of the world too.

    I don't agree that wanting the finer things in life is boughie, or having a standards is "mean." Unfortunately, the more degrees a black woman obtains, the more she seems to be admonished for these qualities unlike woman of other races. In addition, the more she has to put on the "mean" face to deal with racism and other obstacles that might threaten such success.

    After I was accepted to law school, I was shocked when my mother told me to date non-black men, and even my "part-time racist" grandmother suggested that I seek out the companionship of non-black men, because they didn't feel that I would be desired by black men anymore.

    Quite frankly, I do think many, NOT ALL, black women tend to put up the "mean facade" because we're the women who always have to deal with the bullshit, anyway you slice it. Some raise the children alone, some cope with sexism and racism alone, some make the money alone, and many of us really don't get the opportunity to be damsels in distress, because there's never a calvary coming to rescue us, and we know it. That's why we stay up in the churches hoping for miracles.

    Unlike non-black women, we are not placed on a pedestal by our men. Society always condemns the black woman (unless she has fair skin) as often as it condemns the black man, except when he marries a non-black woman, or does something to deny his association to his black race.

    I hate articles like these, because while somewhat accurate, none of these articles ever examine the feelings that come with constant suggestion that one is unwanted, which black woman are subjected to subconsiously and even consciously by the world, even at the hands of black men.

    Ironically, black men often desire that a black woman understand their pain and struggle, or be "kinder."

    How do you find it in your heart to be kind, when as mentioned previously, you're personality is prejudged from the jump by black men who should know you the most?

    Sometimes, it becomes troublesome to deal with black men, when they say stupid things like, "oh you're not like other black women, you're nice!", after not having dated the entire black female population.

    Sometimes, it becomes downright offensive to be approached by wannabe thugs, unemployed mama's boys pre-recession, and just downright ignorant weed-smoking guys with nothing to offer but sperm donations.

    I think black women are caged between black male chauvinism and societal racism at large. We're doing the best we can, but unfortunately, many of us have to have our own backs.

        1. Ok wait, is it that there aren't really that many mad women, or is it that they all can blame men for their anger?

          A lot of misandry today … a whole lot. I swear this won't end until we (as men) accept blame for … well … everything wrong in the world. Damn shame …

    1. I wouldn't describe what black women experience with many black men as anger so much as it is disappointment.

      Living at home with the mama.

      Living with the girlfriend.

      Chronically unemployed.

      No interest in going to school to better themselves.

      Lofty dreamers who expect others to do the legwork to make their dreams come true.

      Absent parents.

      Prison, Probation, Parole…….(the penal system mainly functions off the black woman's money)

      I have a friend who has a 36 year old son who has 5 children and won't work because he's seriously working toward being a HIP HOP artist!!!!!!!! Come on………

      These are things in which to be disappointed…..not angry……

  22. Ms. Smart: ”But there are no really good reasons for women to get married either. She can have a kid and raise it alone. Let’s be real. A lot of married women act as single parents because their husbands don’t do shyt. They could have the kid, be unmarried, etc. Women have been jedi-mind fugged into believing marriage is the ultimate in validation of worth.”

    True, women don’t have to get married, but as J mentioned, women don’t get raped by the courts in the divorce. Men have much more to lose.

    Marriage isn’t about validation of worth, and I hope most women don’t view it that way. It’s about stability for having a family. That is why I think one of the most selfish things a woman can do is just have a kid and raise it alone. Why purposely bring a child into a single-parent home? Forget having a daddy in my child’s life, I want a baby no matter what! Me, me, me! Keep the man, just give me the baby and the child support, and I don’t care if he wants to see the child, because the child is mine, not his! Granted, I know this isn’t what you’re saying, but a lot of women feel this way.

    I’m not going to argue your “husbands don’t do shyt” point, because there is much to be desired from both men and women these days. It seems good guys and good girls get screwed over. Most men and women nowadays aren’t willing to make the sacrifices necessary to make a marriage work.

    1. "Marriage isn’t about validation of worth, and I hope most women don’t view it that way. It’s about stability for having a family. That is why I think one of the most selfish things a woman can do is just have a kid and raise it alone. Why purposely bring a child into a single-parent home? Forget having a daddy in my child’s life, I want a baby no matter what! Me, me, me! Keep the man, just give me the baby and the child support, and I don’t care if he wants to see the child, because the child is mine, not his!"

      Ahhhh. I HAVE said this before. Selfish. But I can say that because I grew up with father figures. I think it's easier for women who didn't have fathers or father figures to think it's cool to bring a child into the world without the benefit of marriage. Bully for them. It couldn't be me. I wouldn't start my children off with LESS that what I had.

    2. Oh and for a lot of women it is validation that they are worthy of love. They are pretty enough, smart enough, screw well enough, etc. to be chosen to be someone's wife.

  23. *Broken Record*

    There isn't much you can do. They'll either have to learn to live alone or live with a guy.

    Hate to be short and I really wanted to dig into this conversation, but I discussed it among a board of fellas yesterday and my sentiments are the same as them. Besides, all this "men are falling short" stuff is getting old too. I'm in D.C. so chicks like these are a dime a dozen and they are stubborn as hell. So…love em from a distance..

        1. That's why I gotta stand from a distance.

          Plus I like to aim for arms and eyes … you know … mess up their shot. Add in the distance and they aint got a chance.

        2. @Creole: *sigh* … I swear I should just change my name.

          I'm not single. I have a girlfriend that I love to death. She reads one the regular, she is great, she is professional, and she is all that I want and more. I keep her happy, she keeps me happy, and what we have is … well … its f*in beautiful.

          So … please … try again.

        3. @Creole: Great … because I already got SBM cuff links and I would hate to have to return them.

          So … are you single too??? Inquiring mines want to know.

          BTW … sorry if I'm getting into a*hole mode today. You know its Monday?

        4. @Ms. Smart: What are you talking about?

          Who said anything about married women? Who is discrediting single women?

          I believe Creole was actually trying to say that I can't talk because I'm not married … if I'm correct.

        5. @SBM: By your definition of single…no…I've never been single for more than 3 months at a time. By my definition of single…no. Happily married. SURPRISE, SURPRISE I'm sure.

          ROFL!

          Ms. Smart: I owe you DEARLY for this introduction.

        6. I'm not surprised. Why would I be surprised?

          Anyways … hope today's passionate discussion hasn't turned you off. I love a good debate.

          And don't think I ain't catch that milk mustache comment elsewhere …

        7. @DatingBM: I'm sure you did catch it and use your country napkin to wipe it off before you finished your glass. 🙂

          ROFL!

          I wasn't warned until I'd already jumped in the conversation and linked to it. Had I been properly warned…I would have already stereotyped yall and wouldn't have come up in here messing with yall throw pillows and such.

          My apologies. It won't happen again. Blame Ms. Smart.

        1. C'mon Ms. Smart…you know what that was all about. He's already labeled me as an ABW because I disagree with him and was attempting to use my relationship status as PROOF that it's why I'm not boo'ed up.

          Keep up. You're usually quicker on the draw. ROFL! How you gonna help me fight crime tomorrow if you ain't picking up on all the clues?

        2. I need to just log off because I know that now they know you're married, someone is gonna go to a place they shouldn't. Then this won't be 'fun' anymore.

          Also, I don't fight crime on Tuesdays. That's my pedicure day.

  24. i won't say the ABW phenom is folklore meant to scare black women into acting right, the same way cultures use bedtime stories to scare children out of certain behaviors, but… ABW do exist- we all know this. however, this ABW is akin to the DL brotha wave that had black men so up-in-arms. "dl brothas" is a legitimate subculture; however, it is a SUBculture on black men. the problem black women have with the ABW perspective is the same problem black men had when "dl brothas" blew up: presenting the worst aspect/subculture as the predominant norm for the group. all the "this isn't EVERY black woman" qualifiers in the world dont hide the truth that you think you're talking about "many" or "most" black women as evidenced by comments of "i'm not taling about every successful black woman cause my boo is successful.. but she isn't the norm." okay, so black women have reason to give you the sideeye. you might not be talking about ALL successful black women, but you certainly think you're talking about "almost all." that's just as bad. qualifiers of "not every" muddy the conversation. keep it funky and say what you mean. in your opinion, ABW applies to most. now, let's continue the conversation with that. and i hate when people waste comments with "well, not EVERY blah blah blah"- look, we all know that absolutes aren't the real ish, so stop pointing out the obvious.

    1. Honestly, that DL analogy was powerful. While I try and say that I don't mean all or most women (everyone ignores that part though) you are right. ABW is a subculture that too many people apply to … too many people.

      Preach!

  25. Sometimes, it becomes downright offensive to be approached by wannabe thugs, unemployed mama’s boys pre-recession, and just downright ignorant weed-smoking guys with nothing to offer but sperm donations.

    ____________________________

    I feel you. But understand too that if you are too defensive you turn off the good ones.

    Perfect example: At my gym….I can't tell you how many times I have seen a sister about to break her arm using a maching the wrong way…..so I offer help, "Excuse me miss…" but before I can finish she says "I'M FINE" with the mean eff off grill to go with it. 🙁

    I'm thinking: No you're not fine. Atcually you're about to break your sternum but eff it. Go head and be Mrs. Independent.

    1. Truth. I'm a certified personal trainer and I work part-time at a gym (I'd do it full time if I thought I could make more money in fitness than in engineering). Even with the credentials, a physique that suggests I know what I'm talking about, and a staff shirt on, I learned not to bother most women when they are lifting incorrectly to prevent them from going into defensive mode.

      No miss, don't flatter yourself, I really was just trying to help you, just like I helped that fat guy on the leg press and that 45-year old lady on the elliptical. Don't blame me when you're still fat six months from now.

        1. Actually, strength training is what she needs also: Muscle building burns more fat then cardio. Cardio stops once the body has cooled down and rested, building muscles burns more fat continuously. I've tried to explain that to a number of frustrated sistas but they think they'll get too bulky so they stuck to cardio…still in the same shape.

        2. No, actually she does need to do strength training right off the top. One of the main reasons women don't see or are slow to see results is an over-reliance on cardio.

          One Mexican lady that trains at my gym who loves running on the treadmill and running outside kept complaining about her legs not getting into shape. I told her stop running so much and start doing squats, lunges and deadlifts. After a year, she finally acquiesced and saw a huge difference in the tone of her legs in six weeks. All that wasted time.

          But then again, what do I know, I'm just a bodybuilder, certified personal trainer and corrective exercise specialist. You don't need me, go 'head and be independent girl! All the chubby single ladies, all the chubby single ladies! 🙂

        3. @Hugh: Well…I don't know much about body building et al. I just know that I had to stop doing cardio and focus on strength training because I was losing too much weight. That's pretty much all I got to go by. LOL!

    2. "Sometimes, it becomes downright offensive to be approached by wannabe thugs, unemployed mama’s boys pre-recession, and just downright ignorant weed-smoking guys with nothing to offer but sperm donations."

      This is why I stay out of those parts of town, lounges, and people.

  26. CreoleInDC says Well…if she’s really fat then she shouldn’t focus on strength training right now and needs to get down with the cardio first. Come on Hugh. Lead with THAT next time. LOL!

    __________________________

    She should spend 30% time on cardio, 30% time lifting and 30% time on the stank attitude. Free your mind and your ass will follow. 🙂

    1. What does having a "stank" attitude have to do with it? And how do you know she has a stank attitude in the first place? She may have simply had something on her mind she was pondering and wasn't in the mood for all the kee-keeing and shoo-shooing that goes along with talking to strangers in the gym. I know I get PISSED when my workout is interrupted by someone who has a dumb question. I don't work here and nah playa…it ain't da club.

        1. Again, every woman doesn't have to be happy about every person that is trying to help her … but damn … be easy sometimes … stop being on the defensive … and stop being stank.

          The fact that your defending the stankness that J experienced makes me cry … grown ass man crying in his office.

  27. "What does having a “stank” attitude have to do with it?"

    "Black women are always supposed to be giddy when approached by strangers."

    But when that "approaching stranger" has a staff shirt on of the gym that you are in, and you still have a "stank attitude" when you clearly don't know what you are doing, then you are probably an ABW.

    Normal Black Woman

    Trainer: Excuse me miss?

    (NBW with a scowl on her face looks up)

    Trainer: The way you are using that machine is incorrect and you could irritate a disc in your lumbar spine. Let me show you the correct way.

    NBW: Thanks, and sorry if I seemed a little irritated, I have a lot on my mind.

    Angry Black Woman:

    Trainer: Excuse m…

    ABW: NO, I AIN'T TRYIN' TO HEAR IT, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M WORKING OUT?

        1. It does? Really?

          So what are you saying Creole? Women don't snap at men in the club or in the gym? Me and J didn't really experience these types of women at the gym? Men who have been dismissed by women before they could get two words out of their mouths were hallucinating that it happened? Despite the comments of just about every man and some women in this post, there's no such thing as angry black women, and those that seem that way are justified because they had a bad day? How is the point negated?

          You took the dialogue too literally, I said it in jest. I never said, "Creole, here is the verbatim of a conversation I had in the gym." But you can lie to yourself and believe ABWs don't exist, despite the contrary evidence of the experience of several men, and numerous articles, books and studies.

        2. 1. It never occurs to men that the women you're approaching have been approached by 753 men prior to you. Of those men, only 12 came correct.

          2. It never occurs to men that they are a 3 stepping to the 8. Just as women over-rate themselves, I think men over-rate themselves because they buy into the whole 'shortage of men should add three points to my overall score'-game.

          3. Some women are rude. Some men are rude. Contrary to popular believe, nobody really owes niceness to anyone. It would be nice but it's not owed. It would be civilized, but it's not requires. That's life.

        3. I'm sorry Huge but my rhetoric regarding club conversation is at a minimum. I wasn't never that chick in the club. Cigarette smoke gives me a migraine so I just steered clear. See…I'm one of those simple chicks. I love to cook and I love my home to be clean. I might not clean it per se…but I know how I like it done and have my point action down to a science. I believe that women and men need each other and that we are not meant to be alone. I also believe that there is some straight BULLSHIT going on in that every three months like clockwork…it's pick on a Black woman time again and that ish gets on my damn nerves.

          As a Black woman I'm always HIGHLY offended when someone attempts to go there and as a smarter-than-the-average bear Black woman…I never let that shit go unchecked. But again…I'm from the old school way of thought where men protected and stood up for their women. Not attempted to tear them down, ridiculed and tried to remake them. The men in my family may have been an azz at times but you couldn't EVER expect to go unchecked if you rolled up ugly to one of "their" women.

          And that's what's missing here. Men have lost their way. They no longer put emphasis on protecting the family and cherishing the woman knowing that the woman is and always will be the axis of the family. Without her safety and confidence through being loved genuinely…there will be trouble.

          There will be blood.

          But again…I'm all old school and whatnot.

          My apologies. I believe in love. I love love. And that won't ever change.

        4. I would like to reiterate that today's post and ensuing argument was inspired by a black women who is writing about black women and referring to these black women as b*tches and considers herself a b*tch also.

          Just so we know that SBM out of his little old male peon mind didn't just make this up on his own.

        5. CreoleInDC: ”I believe that women and men need each other and that we are not meant to be alone. I also believe that there is some straight BULLSHIT going on in that every three months like clockwork…it’s pick on a Black woman time again and that ish gets on my damn nerves.”

          Agreed. That is why my first comment was how black women are caught in a proverbial catch-22.

          ”But again…I’m from the old school way of thought where men protected and stood up for their women. “

          I co-sign that.

          ”And that’s what’s missing here. Men have lost their way. They no longer put emphasis on protecting the family and cherishing the woman knowing that the woman is and always will be the axis of the family.”

          I don’t necessarily agree with this, at least if “here” is referring to this site. Most men do cherish their wife, or potential wife, and realizes a strong maternal figure is the epicenter of the family; the problem is the pretenders in the way before that man meets her. On this site, you'll read a fair amount of comments by men bashing other men not living up to their responsibilities. These conversations get passionate at times. Sometimes people take it personally when it's their ox being gored. I don’t think anyone here believes all women are ABWs, but this post was specifically addressing those women.

        6. @Huge: Well…I'm going to continue to champion women because I find that men are falling short. And yes…I mean here too. The tone of this post made my teeth itch and all that hand slapping and attaboys that was going on did too.

          SOME men have got to do better and trying to lump Black women in with a SELF-PROFESSED angry Black woman is NOT the way to go about it. Old girl can be as mad as she wants to be. We don't know her "story" yet. But we will…it's going to be made into a movie.

  28. CreoleInDC says What does having a “stank” attitude have to do with it? And how do you know she has a stank attitude in the first place? She may have simply had something on her mind she was pondering and wasn’t in the mood for all the kee-keeing and shoo-shooing that goes along with talking to strangers in the gym. I know I get PISSED when my workout is interrupted by someone who has a dumb question. I don’t work here and nah playa…it ain’t da club.

    ________________________________________

    Well all it takes is a little common courtesy to say "I appreciate your offering to help but I want to learn on my own." or the one I use which is "I appreciate your offer to help but I am experienced and I no what works for me" or "Thanks but I only take advice from my personal trainer." Forming complete sentences and politely decling help is not difficult. I think a polite offer justifies a polite response. This is where the angry black women stuff comes from. Like you can't decline an offer with grace and tact. But then you want Mr. 6 figures, Three degrees that doesn't smoke weed but you can't say no with any type of class or civility.

    True some dude think the gym is a club. But trust me when I say I don't give off that vibe at all and I have no time to train or flirt in the gym. But it's just hard to sit by and watch somebody do something that might injur them and not say anything.

    Matter fact dating people at a gym you like is about as stupid as dating women in your office.

    1. We don't even know how she was approached do we? Usually stank azz tudes beget stank azz tudes. Old boy prolly rolled up on her snapping and ish:

      Dude with swole arms: You ain't doing that right. Do it like this or else.
      Lovely lady: Oh dear kind sir…thank you sooooo very much for letting me know how a big strong man such as yourself should do it!
      Dude with swole arms: Don't look at me…you're fat.
      Lovely lady: But I'm willing to overlook you being short!
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJ-3DI5Q23M

  29. The whole “angry black woman” thing is old and I think it is unfortunate our “brother’s” continue to believe the hype and recycle the bull. I have yet to see any other race, go through this dynamic of the men publically perpetrating stereotypes regarding the other half of what should be a great pair. I am educated, successful and happily married and nowhere near being mean and angry on a daily basis, and the women who I find are that way are a very small minority .By the way, being angry and mean is not race specific. I wonder have you ever had one positive post on black women? Very disappointing!

    1. I don't know if you noticed … but the book, movie, and article I referenced are all written by a woman

      Exactly who is perpetuating the stereotype?

  30. and you still have a “stank attitude” when you clearly don’t know what you are doing, then you are probably an ABW.

    ______________________________

    Like the women I seen sitting on the shoulder maching backwards talkin bout "This shit hurt it don't feel right." 🙂 Actually she was cool and laughed after I told her to turn around. I don't even know how she was able to get her arms up doing it backwards 🙂

  31. SBM, have been a lurker for some time and love the blog!

    People, please stop believing that the gospel according to random individuals (i.e., Helena Andrews, Steve Harvey) is the gospel! As a psychologist, professor and researcher, I get TIRED of all this nonsense being perpetrated as truth when it comes to Black men and women. The issues between black men and women are too complex, too layered and too nuanced to be simplistically reduced to the angry black women myth or any other myth for that matter. Are there Black women who are angry? Sure! Are there Black men who are trifling? Absolutely? In general, Black people have tons of issues. However, those who are qualified to speak regarding relationship issues in the Black community (i.e., licensed therapists/counselors) will tell you that it ain't that simple! If you want to understand the true nature of these relationships, get an INFORMED opinion from someone who has either condcuted research in this area or has a clinical practice. Please stop letting these random people pretend they know the truth and perpetuate harmful stereotypes when they can only speak to their experience, which are not the norm.

    1. ***Finger snaps*** I appreciate your post!

      If you look at the commonality of background, opinions can seem like truth. I'm from Chicago and there's the whole "West Side vs. South Side" thing we go through. If you're from out West, you tell ppl to be careful if they're going to the South Side and vice versa. The truth is that both sides have really rough spots and not so rough spots but on each side it has been bandied about so often that the other side is worse that people just assume it's true. It's the same thing with these stereotypes. If you want to find an angry Black woman, she's not hard to find. If you want to find a mild-mannered black woman, she's not hard to find either. Sometimes it's just about what you're looking for, whether you're conscious of it or not. Your preconceived notions go a LONG way to confirming these "truths".

      If you come from a family full of failed relationships, your "truth" maybe that all black men are trifling. It's up to that individual to be willing to be proved wrong. I'm not gonna pretend like I don't have my moments, they're never race specific, but usually I'll have periods where I'm just tired of dealing with problems that arise from dating period. That's when I remove myself from the dating scene and stay away until I know that I won't be carrying baggage into any potential relationships. That's just my OPINION!

  32. Question for the fellas who say MOST Black women behave angrily:

    Do your mothers, grandmas, and sisters have these stank attitudes as well?? And if they are single, is it because of these attitudes too??

    1. I'd just like to know how men make a blanket statement about the women in their dating pool without considering that their women relatives are also in someone's dating pool.

      I use this reasoning when dealing with my brother. When he's trying to justify some foolishness, I'll ask him if he would be cool with a dude trying to pull that line on me. It works sometimes.

      1. I don't care about the other women because the other women that are my relatives I care about, my mother and sister, are married. Done deal. They've managed to find their "forever" men…others might want to ask them how they did it instead of wondering what I think.

      1. Hey, it's a real question. If most Black women they see are angry, they've seen their women relatives most of their lives so they would be in the ABW bucket too. Under that logic, those women deserve to be single. And since single equals unhappy and bitter, then their female relatives are unhappy, bitter (and unworthy of love, respect, etc.).

        This is why I don't say ALL BLACK MEN ARE ______. Black men helped raise me. Black men are my brothers and friends. None of those BLACK men are 'insert negative stereotype here' So I have first hand evidence that most Black men aren't shiftless whores who flutter about between being homosexuals and making illegitimate babies.

        But I doubt I'll get any responses.

        1. Of course you won't cuz "IT COULD BE YA MAMA!" Who wants to think of their mother as an ABW even if she's always been a single mother doing it all on her own. Oh…your mama is goodness and light…she dealt with it wearing a halo. It's everyone else that has it twisted.

          *BOOTY.LIP*

      2. They never were the angry type. My mother has always been very lady like and never had anyone say she's a "bitch" fear her or whatever. She actually works for the same company I do and is very high up, but very respected and people think she's the nicest woman in the world. That feels good knowing that.

        My sister, only being separated by a year and change is in the same group of people I'm in. However, my sister always has had family, marriage and caring for people on her list of "To Do's." Sure, she's educated and working in the medical field, but nobody needed to tell her how to be pleasant, feminine and all that whilst holding it down. Her husband, in the eyes of many women, would be "less than" because just a little while before they were married, had difficulty finding work in his field. My sister was very supportive and he had nothing but nice things to say about how fun and supportive she was.

        They didn't have to be ABW because they knew how to be pro-active and pleasant ladies enough for a man to take interest.

        1. Everyone gets angry from time to time. The stigma of being angry, Black AND a woman, however has begun to piss me the hell off whenever I see it.

          It's easy for you to be gentle when describing your womenfolk…but let it be ANOTHER Black woman pissed off with reason and she's labeled an ABW. Whatever.

        2. @Creole: Were you pissed off at Helena for writing the book? I haven't heard you bad mouth her once. Apparently there is some man pulling her strings and forcing her to write the book.

          Apparently …

  33. Your asking us to make a comparison across generations. Like are people in the south more friendly than people up north. Yes. That's just how the south is.

    I think what was described in that article is something that applies only to Generation X – Y. Definitley not our grandparents generation. They knew how to marry. The baby boomer generation knew how to marry to. They just ended in divorce.

    The dynamics we're dealing with now are new. With women being more educated and making more money and raising kids alone. All happened within the last 30 years.

    I have no sisters. As far as my cousins. Most are single I think because there aren't a lot of educated well off men that want to be married. Some are dateing outside of their race because they spent so much time in white environments they no longer even feel comfortable around black people.

    As for angry black women. I've met plenty in the work place. But I would agree the problem is exagerrated in the media. But I'm pretty sure I never said it was all black women.

    In fact that article was not really about angry black women. Most people were criticizing that women and her friends for having misplaced values. Emphasizing a mans wallet over his character.

    1. I'm comparing a mindset. It's not just men either. Women are running around here expecting a 24 year old man to have five homes, four caret rings, three degrees, two cars, and a partridge in a pear tree! I wish we had access to the entire transcript from the article. I am very curious to hear/read the entire conversation. Are these women focusing on things instead of character? Do they do that because they don't want to look at their own character? Men and women are BOTH super guilty of both things.

      But again, back to mindset. Under the 'waiting to be financially right before marriage' argument, it's bunk when those same men who used that as their excuse for not settling down get into a marriage and expect/need their wives to go half on everything. Or maybe those dudes just weren't all that successful in their efforts to become financially stable.

      Now, lemme go start cooking dinner before my SO comes over and beats me across the head for not having dinner ready. Bwahahahaaaa!!!!!

  34. Mmmh, looking at these comments I guess I'm the only one whose experience has shown that the real ABW tend to be in the less successful and/or uneducated category.

    1. And also unattractive, but the ones who are successful and educated category have the ears of the media, so they are heard the loudest.

    2. Hmmmm…well…that's a different angle for sure. However…what if she only APPEARS to be an ABW only because we don't know what she's dealing with?

      Remember how in "Precious" folks looked at her as if she were an uneducated teen mother who didn't keep her legs closed and that's why she has two babies she couldn't take care of? Well…that all changed once you got her background. At least it did for me. It brought a clarity and empathy which was previously missing.

      Some folks have a REASON to be mad.

      1. An Angry/Mean/Whatever Black Woman with a reason is still an ABW at the end of the day.

        Can I go around blaming others for all my shortcomings too and not take any personal responsibility?

        1. THANK YOU! If you are having a bad day, take your butt home, lock yourself inside your room/apt/house and deal with it! Don't infect the world w/ your personal junk. It's not some random strangers fault you hate your job/your kids don't listen/etc. I send out a mass text message and say, "I'm taking the day off. If you need something, leave me a message but other than that, I'll talk to you tomorrow or next week (depending on how bad whatever it is, is.)"

          That is universal and crosses gender and race lines. Grown people need to GROW UP.

      2. Why is an educated, less successful woman less likely to have a reason to be mad? There are tons of educated/successful people who have dealt with bad childhoods and have just as much reason to be angry. There are also tons of people who grew up with those experiences and CHOSE not to let it effect their attitude, outlook on life, way they approach relationships, etc. In fact, I'd bet a lot of brothas/sistas who fought so hard to be successful did it BECAUSE of their less than ideal childhood. At what point do we stop blaming one's childhood for their current behavior?

  35. I’m comparing a mindset. It’s not just men either. Women are running around here expecting a 24 year old man to have five homes, four caret rings, three degrees, two cars, and a partridge in a pear tree!

    But again, back to mindset. Under the ‘waiting to be financially right before marriage’ argument, it’s bunk when those same men who used that as their excuse for not settling down get into a marriage and expect/need their wives to go half on everything.

    __________________________________

    Actually that is the first point I made. Many women have unrealistic expectations about how much money and man should have and as well as a poor assessment of their own finances.

    Well I think if a man gets married before he is finacially stable than obviously he wasn's waiting for finacial stability. But most men have a magic salary number or a vision of where they want to be in life before they get married. And they will very reluctant to marry before then. Some men start buisnesses and refuse to let a marraige interfere with that dream. The point I was making before is that a big reason why single black men don't marry today has to do with money. The pressure from women like the ones in that article make it worse. So often when men finally get their money right they have an attitude of…… "Ok now that my money is right and all these women want me I'm not about to break bread with none of them."

    1. Most people raised right will have expectations that match their reality. It's when the simplest of expectations can't be met as far as respect, etc. that the problems come into play.

    2. "The point I was making before is that a big reason why single black men don’t marry today has to do with money. "

      And my point remains. If men have this magic number, the number should be enough to be the financial head of household–none of that roommate style stuff. But if he reaches him magic number and STILL needs his wife to chip in he either under estimated what life really costs OR the money was just as excuse to avoid growing up. It was something that sounded good at Thanksgiving dinner when his great uncle Ray Ray asked him when he'd settles down.

      OR maybe it's that this number is what he wants to have for himself (enough money to buy things to make shim 'cool' as referenced last week) and NOT because he wants to be able to support a family.

  36. SaneN85 says Mmmh, looking at these comments I guess I’m the only one whose experience has shown that the real ABW tend to be in the less successful and/or uneducated category.

    _______________________

    I agree.

  37. Reading the comments from this post made me even more discouraged with black women. The post spoke to a specific type of black women that is mad at the world and refuses to expose their feelings to the world so she acts like a bitch. Too many of the posts I read seem to further perpetuate this stereotype. There was a lot of shifting the blame to black men or justifying why it was ok to act like the women profiled in the article. If you exhibit the same personality, attract the same people, maintain the same standards (realistic or not), and commit the same actions and everything hasn't gone right for you as it pertains to relationships, why would anything change for the better?

    I had a recent discussion with friends that stemmed from a blog post showing successful black men and their non-black wives. The viewing of this post seemed to anger all of the professional black women that saw it. They lashed out at all the black men pictured and all the ones they had experienced, claiming that black men can't handle a strong, successful black women.

    My thinking is that traditionally "success" was defined differently for men and women. Men were deemed successful by how well they provided for their family and ensured they lived comfortable lives. Women were successful for having a successful household and family. Over time the definition of success as well as gender roles have become horrifyingly blurred, to the point where "anything you can do I can do better" seems to be the official female motto to defining success and their role as a woman.

    A strong woman to me isn't someone who is constantly outspoken, has to have things her way, or refuses to show her feelings. In all honesty, a strong women is someone who exhibits those characteristics in most other situations EXCEPT with her man….

    1. "A strong woman to me isn’t someone who is constantly outspoken, has to have things her way, or refuses to show her feelings. In all honesty, a strong women is someone who exhibits those characteristics in most other situations EXCEPT with her man…."

      BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That is the dumbest shit I've read on here yet. ROFL! BOY BYE! Yall play too much.

    2. "Reading the comments from this post made me even more discouraged with black women. The post spoke to a specific type of black women that is mad at the world and refuses to expose their feelings to the world so she acts like a bitch. Too many of the posts I read seem to further perpetuate this stereotype."

      Umm, wow. So ABW or ABW Sympathizers have perpetuated the ABW stereotype and it's made you more discouraged? What else did you expect? That's like being surprised that a dog barks! Did you think that there would be no women on here who came as ABW who may have come seeking to change? Or ABW who came and stayed ABW? They, by definition, are opinionated and you let the expected responses make you discouraged with the REST of us??? Curiouser and curiouser…

  38. I think It might benefit Black women to stay single and abstinent until their mid to late 20s. (You know D can proliferate feelings and cause some of those major issues that cause bitterness later on in life). And here’s why:

    a.This will completely circumnavigate a lot emotional hurt resulting from everything from sexing too early in relationships to mate immaturity. It will also Prevent a lot of the emotional and psychological scarring that leads to bitterness and ABW syndrome but also allows women to focus on themselves, invest in their own character, and of course curb un-intended pregnancies.

    While this can lead to personal fulfillment for women, in itself, it cannot correct the underlying problem that factually, there is a dearth of comparable Black men, when compared to women. While many successful black men state that professionalism is not a mate requirement, I suspect that not many “I’m-partner-at-my-law-firm” brothers are marrying the server at their local diner. I feel like that may be the exception. And no one is faulting men or women for desiring a person of equal professional, educational, and monetary caliber. It is a bit irritating when men imply that Women should “lower their standards and get with Joe-the-plumber and maybe then they would be happy.” I am also unsure if “happier”, less angry women will motivate Black men to get married sooner. I suspect probably not.

    I would suggest for those Black Women who are having trouble:

    1. Travel overseas to find a mate – No. Seriously. As someone who has lived on multiple continents, it seems like only in America do Black women have a hard time finding spouses. In Britain, the more educated a Black woman is, the more likely she is to marry interracially – particularly white. And no one thinks twice about it. Here, the more educated a Black woman is, the more likely she is to be single. Go figure!

    2. Date interracially – It’s survival of the fittest out there. If Black men don’t want you, then try someone else. There’s a pot for every lid.

    3. Become a Lesbian – women have a lot of good qualities and if it seems like all the women have what you want, and the men don’t maybe you should take a break from men.

    Black Men:

    1. Take care of your kids, particularly if you have sons. – Unfortunately, I think the solution to this sad ABW syndrome falls a lot to men. Because it’s predicated on the basis that there is a dearth of “successful” Black men. Until men decide that they will be active in raising the next generation, this cycle will never end. How can your son learn to be a man if he has no role model of what a man is? Hmmm

    2. Go.To.College. Every statistic, every measure of anything indicates that education is the great equalizer and the largest determinant of your earning potential. Stop letting the women outperform you. I am not sure at what point men bought into this myth that they could be rich without education but this is an extreme rarity. No- you probably will not become the next Jay-Z. No you most likely become the next Kobe. Get over it and go to school. You can still play at the Y’s intramural league. I will come and cheer my heart out for you baby!

    3. Get married sooner – don’t try to play the field until your 35, then wonder why all the women your age are single-mothers and not trying to hear your game-it’s too late and these women have already been hurt a lot. At this point in life, women who are already holding down their own households do a harsh cost-benefit analysis of what you can bring to the table so if you don’t have much, many will say keep it moving. Remember the girl you were madly in love with when you were 23, but didn’t want to commit to her because you “wanted to see what was out there?” DON’T. Marry that girl. Then you’ll have exponentially less women suffering from “the one that got away syndrome.”

    But this is all my opinion. I could be waaaay off.

  39. Natural progression of life is as follows:

    1. Be born.

    2. Excel in school.

    3. Get a job.

    4. Focus on enjoying your freedom as a young adult while making positive decisions regarding your finances.

    5. Start preparing yourself to be a family man/woman.

    6. Date.

    7. Get married.

    8. Have children.

    9. Enjoy life as a family man/woman.

    10. Die happy and surrounded by loved ones.

    No where in there did it say to start ho'ing or to accept ho'ish behavior as that of the norm. Simple. So simple even a caveman could do it. Stop overthinking ish and believing folks need to "listen" to you. Listen to your own damn self and do what the hell you need to do to make sure you have a good life. Ho'ing ain't for for anyone. Period. Ho'ing is what makes EVERYONE a victim of anger. DOWN WITH HO'ING!

  40. I haven't read thru all of this, but I know it's been said in the comments already. Perhaps a lot of what the author describes to be symptomatic of an "angry black woman" could be remedied if she just stayed alone and waited for the right PERSON to cross her path instead of dating a bunch of men who aren't for her, who she can tell from date one, are not for her, and becoming mad about it. Whoever said it before me tells the truth and it bears repeating, stay to yourself, work on what you want and if there is someone for you they will cross your path when it is time. All serial dating does in a lot of instances, is make someone angry because as a consequence of "dating", you run across a lot of incompatible mates.

    For the women that are alone right now, perhaps the men here should consider that maybe she's not angry, hell maybe she doesn't feel lonely….maybe she's waiting for the right person to come around. In my humble opinion, women who decide that being alone as opposed to dating multiple men that are not for them get thrown into this angry black women group. Women know from the first date whether or not this person will be in it for the long haul. To throw women who are true to what they want in the ABW group, is not fair because sometimes it is 100% better to do "bad by yourself" and get your life together. This is opposed to "doing bad with someone" who is not the one for you, who won't support you and who isn't ready to be in a real relationship.

    And, many black men are not truly ready for a relationship. That should be mentioned because there is nothing more frustrating than trying to be all you can to a man that simply doesn't want to be in a committed relationship. I repeat, there are MANY men like this. I think that's the one thing I agree with Steve Harvey on. If someone aint ready, no point in trying or playing a game to prolong the frustration to make it work point blank. So all this does is make some black women feel like if they just stopped talking or let him pick the restaurant that day, he would've stayed around….lol It's just not true. Most women (sometimes men, i'll admit) fall into the category of trying too hard with the person that is not for them. That makes one angry but not for the right reasons.

    If a woman chooses to be alone, that choice should not make her angry and most of the time that CHOICE doesn't make her angry. Women complain when it doesn't work out. Men do too. People complain..wash rinse repeat…Complaining or whining about failing relationships do not make a person an angry black anything. I think some patience and seeing who God places in front of you would go a long way for a lot of people. Just some food for thought.

  41. Alright, but it should be noted that taking the advice above doesn't help much if the man involved has decided to be intimidated.

    I know that I'm strong, but it 's moreso because I had to be. In reality, I'm more laid back and I like to enjoy life. Don't get me wrong, I get the job done, but I never wanted to run it all. It's just not my style. My personal motto is "Can't we all just get along?" with a little backbone for those who try to walk all over me. I don't enjoy constantly being on the "battle lines" and my strong preference (actually requirement) is that the man take the lead. However, my experience is that some black men (as I hate generalizations) will see a trait in me and assume that it carries over into all aspects of my life. I'm ambitious and determined when it comes to my career, and academically, I was never a slouch. The men then conclude that I must also be "bossy" and "want to run things" and "have an attitude." And they behave accordingly. Since they've made up their minds about me from the gate, it's easier to just walk away. I used to hang around so that they could get to know me, but I do not enjoy being treated with suspicion or as if an attack is about to begin. Especially when I haven't done anything to warrant such behavior! For the ones who actually do get to know me, I can't count the number of times when the men would spend time with me and then say "You know something….you're black and you don't have an attitude!" And it's always said with shock and surprise. This has happened enough where it's worth mentioning…

    We all aren't angry black women. Get to actually know us before throwing that title around. A woman who isn't smiling all the time isn't necessarily "angry"…she's just….not smiling! Stop projecting and give people a chance, lol. Life isn't always that serious…

  42. Hi all, long time lurker, first time poster. I've read the article on the Washington posts site. It seems like Ms. Andrews, is just an unhappy person. A wise person once said, "if you don't enjoy your own company, what's makes you think someone else will?" Even if she had a man and was in a relationship, she'd find some way to be miserable in that too. In a way, I feel sorry for her.

  43. If ABW lost 150-175 lb.(she's probably 5-5,275-300 lb.)and her b***hy attitude,she'd be able to get really good-looking lads such as Yours Truly.(Well,she's also got to have big hair,big boobs,fine bottom and legs and like heavy metal,garage rock and Country.)

  44. It's simply dishonorable the way that many black women today have allowed the stereotypical message to continue about who she is. I'm sick and tired of paying the price where black men are concerned because of my desire to pursue something more than mediocrity. It pangs me that we can't seem to get together and make a relationship work because the perception of successful black women is that she is a [email protected]*ch; she doesn't need a man, therefore she doesn't have one. I beg to differ. It's sickening that black women can complain about not being able to find a good man. Well, if most of us would humble (yes, I said humble) ourselves and stop being so afraid to let a man be a man, along with simply appreciating the gifts we have in being intelligent and nurturing, while at the same time exuding strength — then we could probably experience a brother being in our lives and loving us for those strengths we have naturally. It's not even lady-like to go around touting how you're so independent and all that, but I think Jill Scott said it best, "We need you", brothas. I for one can't fit into the pitiful box with the rest of the women who let their hard exteriors be the defining factor for whether or not I know how to love and respect a black man. I believe I was put on this earth for that very purpose. Sistahs need to get it straight and stop trippin'. If we knew what our roles were, this wouldn't even be a blog.

  45. @ Tams…..Yeah you a man but at what cost? This is'nt about bemoaning our fate…but come on when a guy messes up and they always have more or less what do you do huh?oh?you keep trying and keep getting yourself shattered at every turn?No offence, but i would assume that you never got your heart involved(since you sound so rational)It's not all black and white you know?.. Tell you what?lets hear your success story…. when we do., then we'd think about you clueing us in..

    FREE ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS http/[email protected]

  46. I think that a lot of the time, black women get mad because we know how hard it is to find a good man (black or other races) that desire actual African American women, and we also deal with a lot of downing. Not only by other women in general, but from everything around us. I'm not a 30-something professional/successful woman, I'm a 20 year old pre-med college student, and I can easily understand how a sista could grow into a bitch.

    1)The hood-rat epidemic. I am educated, driven, and willing to do it myself. I am also open-minded, friendly, playful, and love to bake. I get so sick of seeing brothas with so much to offer "waste" themselves on black women who have no drive for their future and can't offer much more other than nightly companionship. I am especially sick of black men who pass up compatablity and similiar goal for a big behind, then complain because the girl they picked with no aspirations has *gasp* NO ASPIRATIONS!!! Don't date Sha-nay-nay, then sumarize all black women with her as your model. I may not be built like Buffy the Body (not necessarily calling her a hood rat), but I will be the best possible helpmate for the man who is fotunate enough to find me.

    2) The Tied-Down Drama. I realize that "there is a shortage of good black men," but that does not mean that I am willing to settle for anything other than the best. He doesn't have to be a CEO, he doesn't have to drive a Bentley, he doesn't even have to have attended college! All a man really needs to do is be comitted to making whatever we have work. Don't tell me I should feel lucky to be with you, KNOW that you are blessed to be in a partnership with me.

    3) Socio-Economic Issues. I have no problems making more money than my partner. However, he often does. I would gladly date a janitor if he was smart enough to keep up with me, funny enough to make me laugh, handsome enough to want to wake up next to, and sweet enough to make me love him. The same can not often be said for a male janitor dating a female doctor. All I require is that TOGETHER, my husband and I make enough money to keep a nice roof over our heads, support any children thru college, and save up enough to travel every once in a while and be able to retire in peace and comfort. I don't necessarily need someone who makes more money than I plan to. But often, a man wants someone who makes less money than him. With more women earning degrees and making more money, our dating pools of men who make more money than us get smaller…

    I was born with two strikes against me, being female and being black. On top of all that, I make no apologies for being smart and driven. However, I've always been aware of my feminity, and appreciate a man more if he can take charge. Not complete control, because often that seems to envolve me spending more time with him than my books and finals are around the corner, but I gladly let a worthy man lead. And I don't hold the reins or anything like that until he's "proven himself" but will take back control and subsequently terminate a relationship if he shows that he isn't ready. All that I, and I suspect that a lot of my fellow sistahs, ask for is that you recognize that we are under a lot of pressure and allow us to interact with you as individuals, not under the group impression that you undoubtly have.

  47. @Tams,

    What is "letting a man be a man"?

    If we're talking about financially playing the role of provider, this is an outdated notion as women across all races have begun making more than men and have provided homes for themselves.

    A woman's desire to exercise independence is not synonymous with not needing a man, but rather a desire to be an adult, and not relegated to the role of a child.

    Many men, esp. blk men, have trouble understanding this distinction, when it relates to blk women, meanwhile women of other races seem to be granted "passes" (i.e. allowed 2 be gold -diggers, "independent, professional" women, etc. simply bcuz they are not blk)

  48. Lol! While I agree with your explanation Cherry_Darling, I must say that there is a derivative to all of this. The fact that many women must take the reigns in order to secure her family and herself has placed us all in the situation of not understanding or even wanting to allow (maybe even enforce) the black man to take his rightful place beside us. Today, most successful black women are devoid of accepting that we are not meant to lead a household or our man. Yes, I know we could go on and on about the common strand of trifling and poor excuses of them that exist, but there are still many brothers who are worthy of our love, time and respect. We have been so busy taking care of everything, and doing it well, until we don't have the tolerance that apparently females of other races seem to. I know of and hear from several black men who want nothing more than a beautiful black woman by their side, but we've all got to take a chill pill and allow each other to express how we got to this place of nonacceptance for each other. I'm not saying we should become subservient and put up with things that degrade our character. I am saying that women, especially black women, should be able to continue exuding the strength and fortitude it takes to support and care for her family without being hard and bitter towards her black man for his deficiencies. Woman was created to be the help-mate to the man. I still believe in the possibilities towards success in this type of union WITH A BLACK MAN.

  49. @ Tams and Sharon.

    Will y'all have my first born….puh-leese.

    Nah seriously. One thing that some women don't understand — and I must admit that I was surprised that it wasn't obvious — a black man spends at least 12 hours out of his day getting his "assets" handed to him by society as soon as he walks outside of his door: He can't catch a cab; gets followed or stopped by the police; stands next to women who clutch their purses a little more closely when he gets on the elevator; if in corporate america, is slighted on a regular basis (both real and imagined); is looked upon with skepticism and disrespected on an hourly basis (and I don't mean some ghetto definition of disrespect)….and the list can go on and on. And, most of the time, he just has to swallow it. The last thing he wants to do is come home to someone who will continue the eunuch process at home. Who wants to come home and deal with this mess and be punked in his own house?

    Here is the biggest secret that many women do not seem to realize: if you were to "humble" yourselves a little bit when dealing with your man, you will end up running the household anyway, because he will do whatever you want.. Look at your grandparents. Your granddaddy is the man of the house and thinks he runs the house, but everyone else knows the truth.

    NB: This is not directly only at black women, but as noted above, "most successful black women are devoid of accepting that we are not meant to lead a household or our man" And for those of you who bristle at the mere mention of a man leading the househould, when something goes bump in the night downstairs and YOU hop out the bed to go check it out, then we will talk.

    Now — on the other hand, if the man doesn't show himself worthy of leading, then we have another issue.

    1. "a black man spends at least 12 hours out of his day getting his “assets” handed to him by society as soon as he walks outside of his door…"

      Dude, we've got a LOT in common. The only difference is that I'm female. I've been working at a certain luxury goods company for years now: why did security stop me in the parking lot the other day to 'check' to see if I really work here? I said " Sir, I've only been here 4 years." And what about these bigot customers: one condescending guy told my manager I was "awful" only because he wanted my white male co-worker to get credit for the sale. Even though I tolerated his foul language & attitude and was the one who actualy FOUND something his sister liked. (I know this because another long-time customer witnessed the whole thing & pleaded with my manager I'd done nothing wrong. I STILL lost the sale to the white dude.) I cannot even go shop other stores without being followed or flat out ignored because I don't "look" like I can afford it.

      I bite my tongue, A LOT. I take a deep breath and say, yes ma'am, to unreasonable people & outrageous requests daily. Years ago, they promoted a white lady I TRAINED to a management position even though I had proven myself on the selling floor & actually gained some loyal shoppers. Less than 2 years later, she was fired for never showing up to work.

      Trust me, man, we see the world a LOT alike.

    2. "And for those of you who bristle at the mere mention of a man leading the househould, when something goes bump in the night downstairs and YOU hop out the bed to go check it out, then we will talk."

      *Laugh* I was taught how to fire a semi-automatic when I was 14. I'm good. Thanks, though.

  50. You know what this post makes me think?

    I'm mad as hell at middle aged Black men. They are the ones who abandoned the household and screwed up the young, Black men and women.

    If you ask the "why's" about what's wrong with us all, the answer you'll get is "middle aged Black men".

    MABM 1. left the family structure in droves to be self indulgent and stopped figuring they needed to raise their kids. 2. failed to teach their sons that the easiest way to get a strong woman to let him lead is to be worthy of the leadership role. 3. failed to teach their daughters that being strong doesn't have to mean being icey; that they can leave the "don't fux with me" tactics used in the rest of the world outside once they get home 4. they didn't teach their sons who they really needed to be in life, relationships, and in the home so that their women don't have to use the "don't fux with me" tactics quite so much 5. they didn't teach their sons to not fux around with women 6. they didn't teach their sons or their daughters just how much their daughters were worth 7. they didn't teach nearly enough of their sons how to not quit on themselves so that their women weren't so consistently passing them in nearly all areas of life (education, career placement, financial stability, general worldliness).

    So, the breakdown of the Black male / Black female relationship really is due to the breakdown of the Black family in the last few generations. This is all stuff we're supposed to learn at home, right? And what has been the lesson abounding in the black community for young black women? Get yours. Don't depend on a man for anything because men aren't dependable. And by the way, don't be a gold-digger because that's immoral. We could argue against this advice, but the truth is it's pretty darned sound considering how inconsistent and irresponsible so many of our fathers, husbands, boyfriends have been.

    What does this mean? For me, it means that I'm sick of us both young men and women pointing the finger at each other when they really are doing the best they can in pretty crappy circumstances. I wish for us all to get past our bullshite and just TRY to approach our relationships from a vantage point of understanding, patience, and willingness to make ourselves better.

    But then, what would Steve Harvey and other misery pimps write about?

    1. that is true, some of this unfortunately does fall on them. i was lucky enough to be raised in both a household and a larger family where my father is married to my mother and treats her like a queen and i had multiple males influences other than him like my grandfathers and uncles to prove that good black men exist out there. the loss of that in develoopmental stages, for both males and females, is devastating. young men often don't have the role models they need to show them how to act, and young ladies end up searching for that love elsewhere or have a more negative view concerning men in general. it's really a shame, and one of the biggest obstatcles in preventing the African American people from reaching their true potential (in my opinion).

  51. What I also find interesting is how this discussion compares to the "Angry Black Man" argument of the late 80's through the 90's. Everyone was up in arms about calling our men "Angry Black Men" and Black women were supposed to be understanding of their plight, be supportive, treat our men like men, love them, cherish and appreciate them, uplift them, sympathize with them while the rest of the world painted them to be monsters.

    And Black women did it.

    For that small favor, Black women have been granted public embarrassment at the hands of our men, public ridicule and rejection, the gift of raising children on their own in droves, and for the most part, a whole Black community devoid of positive and active Black men in any significant number.

    So, it kind of interests me that in this time, we're talking about the angry Black woman phenomenon. Of particular interest is how quick the men (not just on this site, but pretty much across the board) have been to turn on women, not offer the same types and levels of support so urgently requested of Black women during the "ABM media storm" and then render ABW as unlovable, undeserving, socially inept, and not ultimately not worth the time or effort.

    1. Whoa….

      "Black women were supposed to be understanding of their plight, be supportive, treat our men like men, love them, cherish and appreciate them, uplift them, sympathize with them while the rest of the world painted them to be monsters. And Black women did it."

      Actually some black women did it for a while. But the Angry Black Man is still there. So these things shouldn't have stopped. A few things may have changed and we may swallow/hide it a bit more but we are still angry. Some (keyword: some) of the younger women for whatever reason have stopped being supportive –they way we need support not they way thing think it should be given, stopped treating the men like men, stopped uplifting them, and joined in with the rest of the world as painting us with a different brush as monsters.

      Some women have focused so intently on putting on the armor necessary for achieving their goals that they have forgotten or neglected to do some of the things listed above — some of the nurturing things that used to come naturally. Please be clear: I am not suggesting replacing one with the other. I am suggesting doing both.

      Anyway… one of the serious issues is the lack of good relationship role models in many of our lives. Women grow up not knowing how to support their men. Men grow up not knowing how to show their women that they appreciate them by doing some of the small things…and the list goes on.

      1. yeah, check the post from 12:01am.

        I agree with you.

        Except that, when you expect a person to behave in a certain way, but they've never been taught and they're not getting the things they should in return for that behavior, you're being really unrealistic.

  52. Has it even occurred to any of the bloggers that many black men spend a lot of time alone also. Many eligible brothers who keep running women though this impossible set of requirements usually end up spending most of their time alone. Sure they may have some one night stands, but who wouldn't trade that in for someone who is genuine and comforting?

    All of the professional, eligible guys that I know who are not married spent their holidays either with their immediate family or alone. ALL OF THE ONES THAT I KNOW….The truth is that men are just better at hiding how emotionally devastating it is to consistently go to bed and wake up alone without that one significant woman who will stand by his side.

    1. I think some men just really don't care….they are find being alone and because they see women as objects and relationships as trivial they could care less about someone being there to love and cherish…because deep down inside they really love themselves the most…pure narcissists.

  53. AJT

    It took me till I am almost fifty, but Black men's ego and manhood are fragile things and you need to tread lightly or get you a White man!!! That is right I said it!!!!

  54. A reformed (or at least working on it) single Black woman who happens to be a white collar professional here, saying that I love my Black men so whatever it takes….I don't have a problem letting him be the man, that's his job. It doesn' t threaten me to let him do those deeds, I know my place and I love the way I get treated. The thing is it took a long time, a lot of heartache & disappointments and soul-searching but I see the light now. It's time to reclaim the Black family and I am doing my part one couple at a time.

  55. I see that you have an article about "undatable men". Fix them and the problem with angry black women might calm down a whole lot (no whatta I mean).

  56. Sisters after this blog post come to the Angry Black Woman Watch at http://abww.wordpress.com.
    ABWW is shelter from black woman hateration and honors the sisters who have real difference in worldwide. Come to the ABWW and get the love and big wet sloppy kisses a sister needs after being torn down by the He-man-black-womans-haters-club!

  57. Ahh, I see stereotypes still sell books. I guess the next Washinton Post darling will be a book about drug dealing black dudes that abandon their babies…..seriously, aren't WE tired of this sh*t yet?

    I'm still waiting on a contemporary book to speak on the varied & multidimentional aspects of black life. (To be fair, I'm still waiting on a tv network to do the same. So, maybe luck isn't with me here.)

    Speaking of stereotypes, why does single = defective?

    I know plenty of men & women who are content being single. And, no, not whores, either. They've made a content life for themselves. Why is that evil?

    Black authors, I'm getting a little tired of these divisive books. Think out of the box. Surely you can sell copies and get people talking without resorting to this black men vs. black women ultimate fighting challenge! Authors, if this keeps up, I'm keeping my cash in my purse!

  58. Why are there so few(likely,zero)TV/movie roles for us handsome older black lads-I'm 57,who,rather than "urban" roles,seek cowboy or other Western speaking,
    singing and/or acting roles?(I'm attempting to launch a Country song-writing and acting career at my VERY belated age.)

    1. Go for it, man. God knows it gets tiresome seeing the same old images in the media over & over again. Change the game!

  59. Let see now, no matter what we do black women are seen as angry b*tches. If they are educated successful, single and childless we are intimidating b*tches, if we are poor, have children and just get by we are ghetto b*tches. We have a right to feel the way we feel, we give you life, weaised you, we educated you and yet too many of you are still acting like babies grow up and find their place in this community, then and maybe then those of us who want a man to lead will give you that place. Respect and leadership s given to those who earn it and whining about it is not going to change that.

    Instead of blame us for trying to explore the situation we find ourselves in check yourselves out. Does black manhood mean denying leaving you children, not supporting your baby mama, girlfriend or wife, choosing a short term criminal, cheap azz life and then the rest of you life as a jailbird felon who cannot get a job? Or you ready to find manhood that includes partnership instead of you Tarzan, me Jane brand of patriarchy that has never really worked for black people in America? That choice is up to you but trying to fit us into a style of life that worked for Sephardic Jews 2 millennium ago and Victorian British over 300 years, you are a fool. That is my opinion if you want more check out Angry Black Woman Watch at http://www.abww.wordpress.com.

  60. I'm on IE7 and getting the following error: Warning: require_once(../wp-includes/pomo/entry.php) [function.require-once]: failed to open stream

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