The Engagement Ring

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engagement-rings

A symbol of your love.  A symbol of your commitment.  A symbol of the undying love that he holds for her.  Something to be adored … something to be cherished.

A colossal waste of money.



Yeah … I said it … and every single guy reading this, your dad, his dad, that guy at Kay’s right now and every husband … agrees with me.

First and foremost, let me say there is a difference between wedding rings and engagement rings.  Wedding rings are exchanged during the wedding.  The man and woman both get one.  It’s a circle … never ending … like marriage.  It actually is baked in tradition and truly is a symbol.

But then you get to this craziness called an engagement ring.  A showy, expensive piece of jewelry that often times replaces the wedding ring.  A travesty.  I was told when I was a young SBM that I would need to spend 2-3 months worth of my hard-earned money on one of these expensive rocks and metal one day.  You know who came up with that figure?  The church … nope.  African folklore … nope.  Jesus … naw, my man JC had better sense.  It was De Beers!  The same company that is responsible for countless little kids running around without hands and 10 year olds with AKs.

See Also:  Her Husband Is Bisexual: Could You Date a Bisexual Man?

If you can’t tell by now … I’m not a fan of the engagement ring.

So before I overwhelm you with my ramblings … I will keep my composure and present:

SBM’s 5 Reasons we should do away with engagement rings

A couple has better things to be spending $10,000 on

The day I make an honest woman out of someone, and take that proverbial plunge into matrimony, I want Mrs. Future SBM to be taken care of.  I want to provide a roof over our head, a car with gas, and a soft bed for life long good good without a glove nights of cuddling.  The money I dropped on that rock could have been a down payment on a house, a new car (with a trade in), or a year’s worth of food for two people.  Feel me …

It’s the gift that keeps on taking (Insurance)

One unpleasant surprise I came across in my adult life was that an engagement ring had to be insured.  While I am glad I don’t have to implement my ingenious 5th grade plan involving crazy glue and a skin graft to insure my investment is protected, isn’t this more money that could be going to little SBM.  “I’m sorry son … I would get you that new computer for school but I can’t let the ring insurance payments slip”.

See Also:  15 Ways to Keep the Romance Alive in a Relationship

Hating a$$ females

Hoodrat 1:”Girl (*why does every ghetto chics sentence to her girl start with girl? -SBM*), did you see Shackajoquasia’s ring.”
HR 2: “Please … I would have needed a microscope to see a diamond that small”

Boughie Chic 1: “Did you see Sharon’s Engagement ring? It’s huge!”
BC 2: “Please … it’s probably synthetic.”

Women are bred to hate on other women.  I don’t know why, and if I find a cure I’m going to put it in the tap water.  It’s either too nice, too small, fake, stolen, or makes her butt look small.  If we didn’t have them there … there would be nothing to hate on!

Robs from what is really important

When women get married, they crowd around each other to look at the ring.  They don’t really care that someone is getting married, that a man stepped up to the plate and did something right, or that it might not work out.  All they care about is the rock.  Personally, I care.  I honestly don’t even want a wedding (another post … another day) … I just want to be married.  If I have decided I want to spend the rest of my life with you and you agree …. wtf are we waiting for?  The ring is just another thing to cheapen something that really meaningful.

See Also:  Do Men Feel The Pressure Of Marriage As They Age?

Blood Diamonds

This one can easily be solved with gemstones or an onyx (no such thing as a “conflict-free” diamond … lets be real), but I would peg 3.8% of women as having the strength to stand that type of hating.  The wifey would come home crying like someone kicked sand at her at the playground.  So, to keep her happy some kid in Africa loses her hands.  Damn shame …

I will say, I know I will have to buy one.  I know this argument and others will fall on deaf ears.  There are some battles that I will never see won during my life time … but I do this for the kids and their kids.

But still, this is a call to action.  This is a call to all my women to reject those engagement rings, call a realtor instead, and break this old and outdated tradition.  Men … well … we don’t have a say in the matter, so just email this to the future mrs and hope for the best.

– SBM aka “Would you like some blood with your diamond” aka I make to much in 3 months aka I’m worth more than the ring

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Comment(97)

  1. This post is so true. My last significant other asked me how do I feel about engagement rings and I said I don't want a diamond. I want a sapphire set in platinum… Good thing I said that bc he's African and told me if I had said a diamond he'd have to rethink our relationship lol. I think it's crazy to spend 10s of thousands on a ring… don't forget the wedding isn't going to be cheap. I think that money could be better spent on our future, say for instance paying off student loans, a down payment on a condo, paying off cars etc…

    BTW- did you know ppl take out loans to pay for weddings? wtf is that about

  2. "I know this argument and others will fall on deaf ears. "

    You're right because minutes ago, I was about to comment and forgot all that I had read. Damn shame right? But really tho'… Shackajoquasia??! Really??

    LOL

    With all honesty, I agree wholeheartedly with all that you've said but it's something inside of me, deep down inside of me and it's been there since I was in my late teens that can not let go of wanting, so terribly, that Tiffany & Co. the Tiffany Setting 2.5 carat engagement ring.

    If I can't have the ring AND the home (w/o any struggle of having both) well then, I know that the man that can convince me of doing w/o my ring will without doubt be "the one".

  3. HAPPY FRIDAY!!

    Come to think of it, I've never put too much thought into how much the future Mr. Lotus (YES) should spend on my ring. I just know that I don't want yellow gold. I prefer platinum or white gold..But now that SBM took the time to write this great post, I'm hoping that my future Mr. won't go overboard, and think about our finances…

  4. I've heard most of these arguments before. I actually agree with them (except that there will always be haters, you said it yourself, so eff em), but to a point. I've been programmed to want the engagement ring like the rest of us, and have been fed the fodder that it's supposed to cost a certain amount, which shows that the guy is really into it/cares/willing to make a sacrifice for me/blah blah. The only thing that matters about the price of my engagement ring is if it costs too much. I don't do huge or ornate when I pick jewelry for myself, so I would rather have something small and heartfelt, that shows you actually thought about me when you bought it (like with my fav stone, animal, something else). I also don't want to get robbed because I have a rock on my hand that could sink the Titanic. I do still look at like a promise though. One that means I wont be sitting here with you for ten years with nothing to show for it besides a weight problem and a ton of kids. That you do intend to take the final step (unless we elope all of a sudden, in which case I wouldn't need the engagement ring at all). I also wanted the kind that came as a set, so that I could wear both the engagement and wedding ring forever. In the end, I know its the love for each other that counts the most though, and if financial issues exist but the love is there then I can adjust to having neither (actually kinda almost in that situation right now).

  5. You definitely brought up great points in this post SBM! In the future do I want an engagement ring, yes. However, ol boy better not spend thousands of dollars on it and I don't want it to be some big gaudy stone. If he spent way too much money on some big thing, then it is proof he doesn't know me too well. Does it have to be diamond, no. I'll just be over joyed that the man I love, has finally come to his senses, and realized I'm the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

  6. The engagement ring doesn't have to be too big…just don't embarass yourself and have people squinting to see it on her hand, lol. The engagement ring is often looked at like any other luxury item (car, jewelry, travel), but it represents the perceived financial stability of the man. You can buy your house and more together, but the rock is his alone to put on your hand. It should show that he put some thought into the who you are and what your life is. The man doesn't want to look like he decided the day before to propose and took himself down to Ashy Larry's Diamond Dust Hut.

    And a little off topic, but I keep hearing stories of women purchasing their own rings. What part of the game is that? o_0

  7. I don't even want a wedding and can't imagine spending more than $500 on a dress for 1 day. So I agree with your reasons. The price of the ring doesn't matter to me… A platinum band would be fine… And there's the fact that I loose jewelry lol.

  8. I definitely agree with this entire post… Engagement rings are overrated and very artificial IMO…

    The idea of an engagement ring was created in the early 1800's, before then a man's word acted as the promise of marriage. Once men saw that nothing was "binding" them to their significant other, they would have sex after promising her marriage and then leave her before the wedding. These women would then take these men to court on the basis that they had broken a verbal agreement. So the courts decided that to make things easier they would create a "physical promise", that would prove what the mens intentions were. So in essence the engagement ring is just a promise before the wedding…fast forward to today, and like everything else our society has lost the meaning of a promise, and have focused almost entirely on the price value of the ring. But whatevs, put a down payment on a house for us..that's promise enough for me. 🙂

    I did a post awhile ago on the same topic :
    http://blackgirlfromouterspace.wordpress.com/2009

  9. I feel I'm considerate when it comes to this. Thank God I'm such a sap and in love with the idea of finally being with the person I've always wanted. My (future) man does NOT need to offer up the skin from under his arm, half a liver and some foreskin for a RING. We can definitely find a better way to put that money to work. Other finances that are actually worth it, will come up. I want to be comfortable and happy, without a reminder, on one of my digits, that my baby had to put his sweat (and blood) into just to "make me happy". Listen, if you're out there, all the shacking, spooning, holding and love is all Sue needs.

  10. Good post. Like most of the ladies, I agree w/ most of the posts made. However, the point about hating ass females works in both capacities. A lot women want the ring b/c of the hating ass females, could you imagine what they'd say if she announced her engagement sans ring?! Let the hating commence.

    Anywho… I do agree that a diamond is a bit much. I was helping my best friends boyfriend shop for engagment rings for this Christmas and I threw out the idea of a synthetic or "man-made" diamond. These are the jewels they present Miss Universe with. There is no blood involved, they are 100% guaranteed to last forever and there is a significant price difference. (http://www.diamondnexuslabs.com/) But of course he and I both knew that she would NEVER go for that.

    In the end, b/c my mother would DIE if I didn't accept one, I'm okay w/ a synthetic diamond… or better yet a gemstone. I'm all about colors. And the money we save… can go toward a longer honeymoon. Lol.

  11. Although I do agree that spending 10k on a ring is outrageous, I don't think that we should do away with the engagement tradition; there are alternatives. There are other gemstones, such as moissanite. It’s a real gem, that comes from meteorites (I love starZ, can you tell?). It sparkles like a diamond, almost just as hard, but costs MUCH less! Some women don't even want diamonds; they'd rather have some other gem like sapphire, rubies, emerald, etc. I say talk to your lady about it; we are much more sensitive and aware about finances than you guys think. If your lady absolutely has to have a diamond, there are lab grown diamonds that are far less expensive than the mined ones. All in all, it shouldn't be about the ring… If she truly loves you, unconditionally, the fact that you want to spend the rest of your life with her is all that should matter.

  12. Actually – the Wedding ring replaces the Engagement ring, but both are worn together, sometimes on separate fingers and sometimes.

    saying its "a colossal waste of money"… I'll enjoy that as YOUR OPINION.

    There's a beauty in having a man buy something for a woman and having their eyes light up – whether its an ENGAGEMENT RING on such an amazing day, diamond earrings or something that he KNOWS she's always wanted and hits it right on the mark. Nothing in your MIND and HEART should ever be a waste of Money if its for the WOMAN you care deeply for and love and in love with and is your BEST FRIEND! Because we all should know – FRIENDSHIP is the key to the SOUL of any relationship and marriages that last lifetimes.

    Just another perspective other than just seeing it for MONEY….its bigger than just money.

  13. While I don't think a man should have to sell his vital organs for an engagement ring, I find it hard to believe that women don't care what the ring looks like, etc. Have you seen what a ring that costs a couple hunnit looks like? And no, a $10K rock isn't necessary, but let's be honest. Nice things, diamond or otherwise, cost. Just shop around for a good deal.

    And the engagement ring isn't only about the woman (though it mostly is). I've seen men beam when they see people's reaction to their fiance's rock. So if a man is with soon-to-be-wife and he got her this tiny stone, and people look at them all funny, the man won't feel some kinda way about that? (of course this is all relative depending your social circle, income, etc) I think women should be practical and considerate about the kind of ring they want, but the fact is, most want one.

  14. I thik all the women on this post are STUNTIN HARD (Word to wheelchair Jimmy)!

    You mean to tell me all of you don't care? I wait patiently to see the day when you come through with your Kryptonite engagement ring and your homegirl or that b*tch you hate(because Chris Rock says yall all have one) comes through with the Rock of Gibralter on her finger, how you TRULY react!

    I also know that a dude who can drop mo money on electronics, cars, stripclub precipitational expenses, etc, but won't drop similar or comprable money on a ring, will get the side eye from their female, because DO BELIEVE they will know and analyze your spending habits!!!

    I respect the angle that you came with this post though SBM [||]. Keep our readers talking!

    P.S. – We got to find a way to more explicitly show who writes these posts, because I get crucified for your posts all the time because ppl think its me. lmao

  15. i think that your local diamond district and the BEST THAT YOU CAN DO at the time will suffice. engagement rings can be insured under your homeowners insurance — the whole DeBeers 3 months salary thing is B.S. I've seen people with huge rocks end up quickly divorced and people with a diamond chip staying together forever…read up on diamonds, become a diamond EXPERT and you will be able to bargain for what you want. i do believe in the whole "blood diamond" thing tho and you know what? i would still want a diamond if i were getting married — funny how it goes like that isn't it?

    1. "BEST THAT YOU CAN DO at the time" that's an interesting point…

      I notice a lot of women get new diamond rings for their 5th or 10th anniversary… so don't spend a fortune on my rock alone, we'll update in a few yrs honey and dip into the joint savings 🙂

    2. Wow … your cool with come kid losing their hands for your diamond …

      I mean, its one thing to try and ignore it, but to come out and be like "so what" … man … I got my work cut out for me.

  16. I'm going against the grain but I think it's perfectly okay to OD on the engagement ring. To me with this engagement ring i'm saying that this is my proposal to you for you to spend the rest of your life with me. I want to put my best FOOT forward and I want to SHOW you and the world of my proposal and plan to spend the rest of my life with you.

    You will own many houses, cars, and have many loans, but hopefully you only plan to ask a woman to marry you once, seldom events in life only happen ONCE. So to me, if broseph is making 120K, then 3 months salary says baby girl gets a 30K rock. That's my preference.

    1. Dr. J, i agree because the size of the stone is supposed to represent the man's ability to take care of his family….soooo small rock means you're broke and big rock means you're ballin….I just say to do the best that you can do, you can always upgrade later. my husband has upgraded my stone several times and also added extra diamonds around the setting….i'm just sayin….it is what it is and anyone who acts like it isn't is full of crap!

    2. Dr. J … really??? I understand your the baller out the group … but my head is hung pretty low right now.

      30K on a ring??? WTF are you talking about?

  17. eh. I want a ring. #kanyeshrug. and the second to the last point "robs from whats really important"–soooo not true. I have been to a gabillion weddings–almost half my LSs and even more prophytes are married–and I can't even recall asking to see their rings when they got engaged. I care about the nuptials AS MOST PEOPLE DO.I enjoy going to weddings, I enjoy the marriages lasting even better though #justsayin

    As long as said person likes their ring, I could care less about it. small stone, invisible stone, ice cube, whatever. gold band, platinum or white gold–DO YOU. Men always want a reason not to do something that's "expensive". if you don't have a lot of money to spend, don't. If you do, why not if it makes her happy?

    only thing I pretty much feel is the blood diamond thing.

    oh and I effs with Dr. J's answer.

    1. I don't think it comes down to an expensive vs. non-expensive thing … I just don't like to burn money. Reggins (backwards) droppin 30K on a ring (Dr. J) got they priorities out of whack.

      And like you said … don't forget the blood diamonds …

      1. oh but it does. like Streetz said folks spend boucoup money on electronics, etc. so whats the difference? folks Always want to say pay off the loan, go on a vacation, or buy a house instead of the ring? lets say all those things are already worked out–then what? just an excuse for something you don't want to buy because you consider it "burning" thats your right, no doubt but I've read a lot of these debates and it just comes off as being cheap to me. I don't want a 30K ring, or even a 10K ring. If my livelihood needs is in order I don't have a problem with splurging on things I want. *shrugs*

        1. I am willing got bet money that the majority of guys buying these elaborate rings do not have their finances in order and are placing significant financial strain on themselves and their soon to be formed families.

          Yes … if your Warren Buffett …who cares. But lets be realistic …

        2. I preach to the masses.

          Everybody ain't me (it's too hard … jk). Can't speak to the public and only address myself.

          I don't live in a war-torn country in Africa either, but the blood spilled over diamonds bothers me.

  18. I don't completely disagree with you but you do get a slight O_o from me, lol.

    I love my ring, I love even more that he gave it to me and HE loves it. This whole wedding/engagement process has been exciting, from the counseling (which we started before we got engaged), the planning, the writing out our goals, picking out where we're going to live…all of it.

    This engagement just isn't all about me..hell HE got more congratulatory responses than I did, lol and please there are PLENTY of high quality rings out there that don't cost 10K..hell even 5K…ask me how I know 🙂 *smirk* As far as insurance, that's just being smart…you insure your car don't you…and they last what 5 good years before you hate it or buy another one. I guarantee you that this ring costs less and lasts longer than your car, lol

  19. There are man-gagement rings now, if that will help men feel better :-p.

    Seriously, I have never been a fan of the 3 month rule…its an American (I think) thing that is slowly seeping into my part of the world and I hope people don't take it too too seriously. Our grooms need to have a house (fully owned…no mortgage stuff or show proof that the construction folks are almost through), and evidence that he can take care of the woman (even in cases where the woman is bringing something to the household financially) when he asks for her hand in marriage. Our people look at your capability to provide more than that ring.
    We also have access to the non-blood diamonds so that makes it cheaper to purchase too. On the other hand, we spend massive amounts of money on a doggone wedding (we have two ceremonies on two different days…minimum depending on religion and culture and that's not including an introduction/knock door where you make your intent known to yours and hers formally). We are big on celebrating with family so I don't really see wedding ceremonies going anywhere.
    One just needs to be creative, if you are spending a lot on the engagement ring (which you should buy as a bridal set to save money) then aim for a much smaller ceremony or just a court wedding and a small reception.

    In my opinion, I would like an engagement ring…because I have been programmed to have one :-p but I have shopped for other people's rings and there are some great deals out there. My man needs to be resourceful when he shops, heck ask me and I'll point you to some deals…that $10k can do some nice things for our future (and $10k in my currency is a LOT), a much much cheaper ring will do.

  20. I have to say that I am surprised about the women that are feeling me (and disappointed at Dr. J). Maybe there is hope … just maybe.

    As I mentioned, I will be purchasing the ring … but I'm glad people are understanding the alternatives of gemstones and lab created. I know I don't seem like the type, but I have a real issue with the blood diamond trade.

  21. More responses:

    1) A couple has better things to be spending $10,000 on –

    **I'm curious – why you are marking engagement rings at $10K? If a man has it to spend, then why not. and honestly… you can always have as your WEDDING GIFT REGISTRY be – DOWNPAYMENT REGISTRY'S for your NEW HOME TOGETHER! so you can still get the ring you want and still have your guests put money towards your NEXT major goal. Its NOT that deep.

    2) It’s the gift that keeps on taking (Insurance)

    **- I'm sorry, but MOST things you own should be INSURED. I have a ring that was left for my from my GRANDMOTHER – my grandfather bought it for her and it was the last one before he passed on. Its a PIECE of my grandmother and my family's legacy – I'm getting that bad boy insured and will continue to so if ANYTHIN SHOULD HAPPEN To it – I'll be covered. JUST LIKE MY COMPUTER is insured – the ITEMS IN MY HOUSE are insured… my PIANO is insured. YADA YADA YADA.

    3) Hating a$$ females – This is the one that I can't stand. I don't even SURROUND my self with ENVY TYPE WOMEN! I mean, really. My girlfriends are SOOO Supportive of each other, of their relationships and its more about how they treat each other regardless if there is a ring or not. and your Term for that – is such one that just instigates something that in most people's world's does not exist.

    4) Robs from what is really important –

    **Have you had bad experiences? Do you know people with many bad experiences? I mean – it ROBS PEOPLE WHO ARE MATERIALISTIC of what is important. But people are people. It doesn't rob people who aren't materialistic b/c they understand the bigger picture and are probably much more grounded in reality.

    5) Blood Diamonds – Well – While I know the history adn pain of this – I'm SURE there are diamonds in this world that were not PRODUCED or SEEKED that dealt with the killings and blood of Africans. I can't believe that ALL diamonds are blood diamonds.

    Those are my thoughts. I find your Blog/post today to be very skewed and I think you should open your eyes a bit to the devil's advocate of each of your reasons as to why its not that big of a deal.

    1. "*I’m curious – why you are marking engagement rings at $10K? If a man has it to spend, then why not. and honestly…"

      Most wedding rings are estimated to be in that range…AND…most men DO NOT have that type of money to spend. I've heard of dudes financing it just like a motorcycle, except all it does is sit on a finger and remind someone that you got on bended knee and recited some vows. I think a lot of fellas (and some smart women) see that investing in something that is really useful is a lot better than starting off in debt over a slab of metal and some rocks that really aren't that rare.

      1. So don't spend it if you don't have it. If a man is silly enough to spend money he doesn't have on ring to impress me, he's an idiot. If you are asking a woman who wants you to spend money you don't have on a ring for her, you're an idiot for wanting to marry such a trifling woman.

        Get smart!

    2. No need for me to cover the devil's advocate in the post … that's what the comments are for and you just did. And do realize I appreciate it … I like people to disagree with me.

      Real quick:

      1) Whether you get money from somewhere else or not, it is still potential house money.

      2) It's something you wouldn't have to have insured if you didn't have it.

      3) It might not be a friend, but that chich at work or some other acquaintance.

      4) A lot of people are materialistic. Get offered a cubic zirconia and we'll see if you pass the test.

      5) Your sure there are some diamonds somwhere? Really? That's the best you could come up with? There are lab diamonds … you ok with those?

      1. Are you even a Journalist/writer? Just curious. I only read this page b/c of STREETZ and Topics are sometimes enticing, but – but unfortunately your stuff is enticing – but lacks facts and good meat. I think your view is very NARROW MINDED! and to get away from being narrow minded – you must expand your knowledge base.

        But I'm very clear about you – without EVEN KNOWING YOU!!! lmao.

        1) – No – its not potential house money. and you didn't even respond to why people are spending $10,000 anyway.

        2) And there is NOTHING wrong with INSURING a piece of jewerly that has meaning behind it and continues to have meaning throughout your marriage. Engagement or Dog or Piano. People get their damn FINGERS INSURED who play piano. Do you think THAT'S CRAZY TOO? EVERYTHING YOU OWN should be insured. You'd be an A$$ not to.

        3) Might not be a friend – well – WHO CARES about people who HATE ON YOU! IF I SPENT ALL MY TIME Worrying about what chics say about me – I'd be NOWHERE! ON top of that – its GREAT to have HATERS. At least I KNOW I'm doing something right.

        4) I'm sure that there are a lot of people that are materialistic and you MUST KNOW that there are a LOT of people aren't. "Get offered a CUBIC ZIRCONIA and we'll see if I pass the test." ME? darling – You don't know me. so don't test me. BOTTOM LINE – If I DON'T WEAR CUBIC ZIRCONIA – why would you even think to buy it for me? LMAO! You'd be an A$$ to do it. b/c it shows you lacked the ability to pay attention in the first place. just like if you LOVE PURPLE ROSES and I love PURPLE ROSES and you buy me pink roses all the time? You Continue to FAIL in seeing what your partner LOVES! its about paying attention!

        5) BLOOD DIAMONDS – Hmmm. I'm sorry – are you a Global Expert on BD's, GLOBAL HISTORIAN on BD's, GLOBAL CURRENT EVENTS OFFICER on BD's and know everything about the history and current status of diamonds? Just curious if you were an expert on this subject matter or were u just making a GENERAL STATEMENT about one ASPECT of Blood Diamonds. Who died and made you the END ALL BE ALL of the Encyclopedia of diamonds and engagment rings. NOBODY!

        Really? It's clear you have an issue with it – but don't make YOUR ISSUE – everyone elses.

        You are STILL MISSING THE POINT!

        1. I'm going to need you to relax a little bit. Do you get this worked up everytime you read something you don't agree with it.

          The best thing about my day on my blog where I can share my opinion is that it's … well … my opinion. Disagree all you want … but don't try and insult me by sounding foolish. I don't expect everyone to agree with me, I expect everyone to be respectful though.

          1) Whether its $10K or $5 … its still money taken from something else.

          2) I'm going to just assume you really pay attention. I said it something that you wouldn't have had to insure if you didn't have it. I insure my car, but if I didn't own one … I wouldn't keep paying car insurance.

          3) I actually agree with you here. Even I knew this one was a stretch on my part.

          4) I'll assume the answer is you would not wear cubic zirconia. I didn't say I knew you, nor do I pretend to (like you are), but looks like I was right.

          5) Actually, I spent some time in college researching the issue. Interesting in who thinks they know who … hmmm. Anyways, Blood Diamonds are more than the premise for a movie. Several civil wars and conflicts are fueled by the illegal sale of diamonds. You obviously don't know a damn thing about it … but I'm glad you think by using caps you appear more credible.

          If I'm missing the point … feel free to inform me. And this time … use grown up sentence case … thanks.

        2. ::why isn't there a reply button on SBM's post so i can respond directly to him? i'm confused…::

          anyway, i think you missed Kita's point on number 4. she's saying that the man should pay attention to his woman's preferences and pick something, not to impress other people, but that she would like and enjoy. if she doesn't wear cubic zirconia, you buying it would be inappropriate not because it's cheap, but because it shows a lack of attention to detail about her. i thought he roses analogy was pretty clear. were you just being difficult?

        3. @SassyNoLA:

          Yeah … I was being a little difficult, but I didn't think it was a strong rebuttal. Obviously if she doesn't wear cubics that's one thing, but suppose you wear sapphires on occasion … is the sapphire engagement ring ok?

          I think in 75% of cases where cubics were given and a fight ensued was not an issue of "I don't wear cubics" … lets be real.

    3. Kita: "If a man has it to spend, then why not."

      Just because you can doesn't mean you should. I can easily afford to pay $50 for a pair of socks, but that doesn't change the fact that the money could have been used more wisely.

        1. I'm sorry – that word isn't in my Vocabulary – and its too bad that you enjoy using it. have even MORE insight into you LMAO!

          If a man wants to spend $30,000 on a new JACGUAR – then so be it. That's his CHOICE! not mind. If he wants to buy me a Gold ANKLE Bracelet and its $3,000 – then that's HIS CHOICE! not mine. If he feels that is his way of doing things – why not? Spending money WISELY is relative to each person and their individual experiences.

          IF YOU DON"T WANT TO DO IT – then DON'T DO IT! bottom line. that's YOUR PEROGATIVE! get it? Glad you got it. But don't start saying that I speak about a specific genre of how people operate b/c again – Ya'll don't know me.

          moving on.

        2. Do you prefer foolishness or stupidity?

          Who is this guy you are talking about? We are speaking for ourselves here and apparently you just don't like what we have to say.

          My heart goes out to anyone who walks around all day getting stressed out because people she doesn't agree with have decided to share their opinion. I hope you don't read newspaper columns, or blogs.

          And for someone who keeps saying "ya'll don't know me" you claim to have garnered a lot of "insight" about me?

  22. First, just FYI…as someone who used to work in a jewelry store and sell engagement/wedding rings…I have always heard this perspective from a guy's hatin' a$$ boys, but never from the man seeking out a ring for the love of his life…

    For me, it's about the sentiment and the sacrifice a man displays through his purchase of the engagement ring. It's about a man showing his intent. It is a symbol of my mate being a man (financially responsible/stable, willing to make a sacrifice, able to take initiative and make "grown-up" decisions, knowing me well enough to realize that I want a 2 carat plus Asscher cut diamond set in yellow gold for my engagement ring, with a 1.5 carat total weight eternity band of invisibly set diamonds for my wedding ring). Right now, I wear my mother's engagement ring. It is less than a carat, but it is one of the most fiery diamonds I have ever seen, and it is a constant reminder of my father's (who is now deceased) love for my mother, the time/money he spent to choose such a beautiful stone, and the just compensation for her sacrificing her body to have three kids (just joking about that last one…kinda). All I'm saying is that an engagement ring is just a reminder of all of those things, because we as human beings have a finite ability to comprehend and remember things. I mean, look at how many people wear a cross to remember that Jesus died for their sins! Not to say that THAT symbol hasn't lost its meaning for some too, just like the engagement ring has…but for some it retains its significance.

    1. "First, just FYI…as someone who used to work in a jewelry store and sell engagement/wedding rings…I have always heard this perspective from a guy’s hatin’ a$$ boys, but never from the man seeking out a ring for the love of his life…"

      MESSAGE.

      Asscher is my desired cut also 😉

  23. Well I think the engagement ring still serves the purpose of showing that a man serious about marring you. Don't we all know some female that is "about to get married" every time we see her. Or every dude she dates is her "fiance." The ring is the proof. If dude doesn't make a sacrifice than all you have is an empty promise.

    With that said the idea of the average dude spending 3 months pay is dumbest thing I ever heard of. It doesn't proove that the guy is finacially stable. It prooves he is stupid to spend what could be a down payment on a house for a ring. Now if you are makin good money and can afford a big ring then that's cool. But in my opinion the average dude making an average salary should not spend a ridiculous amount on the ring.

    Also, yall do realize that you can change stones. Many couples start with a small ring and change the stone in 5 or 10 years when your family is financially stable.

    Finally this thing about blood diamonds. LOOK THE DEMAND FOR DIAMONDS IS WHAT CAUSES ALL THE PROBLEMS. So it really don't even matter if your diamonds are supposedly clean. If people really cared they wouldn't wear diamonds period. Now I do own some ice myself but I'm not dillusional like most people who think a clean diamond is cool. All diamonds have blood on them. The again so does the gas you pump in your car.

  24. You know what, I'm not gonna lie either … if we running around wasting money on jewelry because people are getting married … I want a Tag Huer Watch! You can get that sh*t engraved or whatever too.

    Which begs a question … how do women feel about giving their future husbands an engagement gift?

    A coworker bought her future husband a motorcycle. That's hot …

    1. How ironic…I got him a Carerra, lol. I had no problem with it…it's his engagement too. Also had his grandfather's pocket watch, sent to me from NC, I had it restored/refurbished (all that good stuff), had the original engravings re-done and had a new inscription from me on it.

    2. I'm the woman that would definitely give my fiance an engagement gift. It's a wonderful idea. Why should I be the only one to have something to show/symbolize we've decided to spend the rest of our lives together, right?

      I think this post is excellent.

  25. ULTIMATE BIGGUPS for the blood diamond conclusion. For years one of my Bff's has sworn to never support the diamond industry for their transgressions on the nations of Africa. I understood her point but I could never see myself actually being that abstemious toward owning any Bling ya feel me? But as the years went on and subject became increasingly popular I too now choose to never wear or own diamonds. Personally I am totally fine not supporting an industry that has resulted in countless limbs lost. Now I know there are other industries that also have horrific labor consequences but one thing at a time. All diamonds are not blood diamonds but a lot are…And trust blood diamonds are routinely smuggled onto the market for profit. It will probably never end until the demand decreases. We should really try to exercise some discipline especially since none of the substantial wealth generated belongs to anyone brown. Just saying. I personally will pass on a diamond for a solid platinum band.
    Frugal American Sistah…1 of 100 tops lol

  26. I don’t mind buying the engagement ring, but I have a serious problem with the three-months salary nonsense.* You can buy a nice ring easily for under $5K. I remember my best friend buying his wife’s ring, and all the jealousy and “oohs and ahhs” from other women. She’s the manager at a bank where several women work and earn a decent salary, and she had the nicest ring there. Then he told me he got the ring for about $1,100 from Kohls.

    I’m just picturing holding on to six consecutive paychecks, not spending a dime of it, and then saying, “ok, now I can buy a ring for my woman to wear on her finger!” That don’t make sense.

    Dr. J: ”So to me, if broseph is making 120K, then 3 months salary says baby girl gets a 30K rock. That’s my preference.”

    I’d rather use that $30K to buy her an Acura TL.

    *I want to personally thank SBM for a post he did about a year ago about the three-month guideline. My entire life I just believed that was what you were supposed to spend and never really thought about how fiscally reckless that is. Thanks for opening my eyes, bruh.

    1. Yes…again as someone who formerly worked in the jewelry industry…if you are paying CRAZY money for a ring…please consider this…all of those stores that you see on TV, or in the mall, have something called OVERHEAD. Therefore, the stone you get is marked up…and the quality (Cut, Color, Clarity, Carat) of the stone, for the money, is usually pretty poor…compared to a small, privately owned jeweler (which is where I worked). I just don't see why people continue to go to places like Tiffany & Co., where the markup is crazy! I personally LOVE the settings at Tiffany too, but the setting is not the hard part. I could go to the shop where I used to work tomorrow and get any setting in any magazine or store copied by the jewelry designer for a fraction of the cost of the setting at Tiff's.

      Which leads me to the next desirable trait of the MAN who will by buying my ring…if nothing else…my dream man is RESOURCEFUL.

      1. I have to agree with K,

        i have already told myself that the engagement ring does not have to come from Jared or Tiffany's (although most of the materialistic women I know disagree). If I buy a 100% Cashmere sweater, does it matter that I got it at TJMaxx or Nemian Marcus? If it's virtually the exact same sweater, same fabric, same make, should it matter? In our capitalistic society of materialism, image trumps common sense in most cases.

        I have actually heard women say they would turn down the proposal if the ring wasn't from Tiffany's, Kay, Jared, etc and would clown if it came from Kohl's, Amazon.com, Jewelry Exchange, or Costco (yes they sell rings too). And you're right, the overhead is added on to the cost. And the woman that I choose to marry one day will have as much common sense as me.

  27. LMAO @ Shackajoquasia.

    I totally agree with all your arguments, especially the point about blood diamonds. I've always said if money is going to be spent on an engagement anything, make it a trip or some experience that both myself and the man in question can enjoy together. I'm not interested in hauling around proof of his status on my finger every day of my life.

    As an aside, DeBeers is out to get theirs whether you get married or not. They've been marketing the 'Right Hand Diamond' for the strong, successful and independent women of the world (who have yet to be proposed to), for quite some time now.

  28. i agree with you but for none of the reasons you listed. i really don't care about the cost of the ring. if i come to the point when i have decided that i want to make a woman my wife that is very important to me and i don't think that you can put a price limit on something like that. whatever she wants is what she gets.

    hating ass females are gonna be hating ass females. they probably just mad because they aren't engaged and they are single. so they would find a reason to hate regardless if she had a ring or not.

    you have life insurance, car insurance, home insurance and on any other item of value. if you really can't buy your son a computer i doubt its because you paid the insurance premium on a ring. you might have bigger issues. lol

    my reasons for agreeing with you is i just don't get the idea behind an engagement ring. plain and simple. i don't like jewelry myself so i would never understand the need to have it. honestly i'm not going to like wearing my wedding band. i'm going to do it and hopefully i'll get used to it. if a woman has done me the honor and distinction of being my wife then i understand that whatever she wants then its what she will have. if i have to get a second job to pay for such ring then so be it. if she said instead of an engagement ring she wanted a new car it would be the same way. hopefully she'll get me and engagement "present" as well. 😉

  29. I like how you think, Hugh Jazz!! Better yet, put that $30k towards the house!!

    My engagement ring is his mother's engagement ring. I dont really care about the size, or cut or whatever, I just want the damn ring!! lol! And yes, women are programmed about the 4 C's early on. And deprogramming only occurs when you find the right man. I would feel VERY uncomfortable wearing $6k or whatver of jewelry on my hand. Yes, put your best foot forward, but not at the expense of my safety.

    1. You can be programmed with the 4 C's and not buy an expensive ring…actually I would say if you excel in your 4C's you know that you're looking for the total package and just not carat weight, which can lead to a sh*tty ring, shiny, but sh*tty nonetheless, and trust, jewelers know when they're dealing with the "I want 4 carats" type who have no idea what the other 3c's are for, lol.

  30. Maybe I just haven't met Ms. $10k yet, but I definitely have no plans on buying a crazy engagement ring. In fact, I'll do one better: I'm not buying one. Wedding ring? Definitely. Engagement ring? Hell no.

    If that turns out to be a deal-breaker because people want to extrapolate the decision into meaning this and that and derive all sorts of BS conclusions from it, then so be it. A man doesn't like being called cheap but I like feeling stupid even less and that is precisely how I would be feeling after blowing $$$ on a ring that sits there. You can't compare it to things you get legitimate mileage out of, and the things you can compare it to aren't in the same $$ bracket.

    Also color me impressed with the amount of responses acknowledging that they want one because they've been programmed to. Please excuse me if I won't submit to your programming. Or if you have dreamed about "the" engagement ring. Guys have dreams too. We get over them.

    I'm willing to be a martyr for the cause lol.

    1. At some point I hope that men get that women care about sentiment. It's how we are and although it may not make sense to you don't discount it. No one says you have to spend a lot of money on an engagement ring, but if choose to ask a woman to spend her life with you and don't bring a token to commemorate the event, its just not cool.

  31. I used to tell my ex-husband (priot to marriage) that I didn't want a ring at all (for all of the reasons listed, but mostly because we could use that ring towards building our future together). I used to joke with him to get me a new living room furniture set, 62in flat screen, and a PS3 if he was insistent on spending money to show his love. When he proposed he put a lot of thought (and time) into finding the perfect ring and proposed with a ring where the stones shaped into a butterfly. Butterflies were my mother's favorite and she had passed away not too long before that. The ring was not expensive and the stones were not large. However, I preferred that ring over any 100k ring he could have brought me. He couldn't have made my ring more perfect if he were a billionaire.

    If I ever remarry, I will still not want some big rock. I've never cared about the 4 C's and feel that the thought behind the ring would be 1000x more important.

  32. I haven't read any other comments. But here goes.

    I think of it a bit different. I think of a diamond as an investment because you can sell it for profit later if you have to. Unlike a flat screen or car–which depreciates the minute you drive it off the lot, a good piece of jewelry maintains it's value more and often increases in value if you get a really nice piece.

    As for the reason behind the engagement ring, it's simple. It represents the man's intentions. It's also a symbol for other men to stay away. Yes, it's essentially a label you put on the woman that says, "Taken…I can afford to take care of her."

    Also, rings don't seem to be as much about women as men would like us to believe. Men will get the ring and brag to THEIR friends before they ask the woman to marry them. Why? Because that ring represents how much he can afford to spend–even if he's not paying his car insurance to buy the ring.

    1. I don't know if I buy this "Men bragging on the ring" argument. A friend sold his car to get the ring and pay for the wedding.

      I still call him stupid.

  33. To add to that……Just like an engagement ring is a waste of money, so are most weddings. Not the ceremony, the receptions. They are all just unnecessary productions to impress the friends & family, and to out-do, or keep up, with the Jones'. Owning a home is much more important to me than putting on a show for people who don't really matter anyway. Great post!!!

  34. If my fiancee measures the amount of love I have for her by the size of the ring, then she should no longer be my fiancee.

    If my friends need to figure out how much I love my fiancee by the size of the ring, then they should no longer be my friends.

  35. William H. Strafe: "If my fiancee measures the amount of love I have for her by the size of the ring, then she should no longer be my fiancee. If my friends need to figure out how much I love my fiancee by the size of the ring, then they should no longer be my friends."

    This comment receives the official Hugh Jazz Seal of Approval.

    One thing I want someone to explain to me logically: if spending three-month's salary shows how much you love your wife, or that you can financially support her, or your sacrifice and intentions to be with her forever, or that you can afford it, or that it makes her happy; then why not more? Wouldn't paying six-month's salary on a ring show that you love her even more? Wouldn't a year's salary be a bigger sacrifice and show your intentions even more?

  36. Seriously though. Depending on how much disposable income you have, spending three months salary on a ring could take you 1 to 3 years. And after saving all that money the last thing you gonna wanna do is drop it on a ring. That is just stupid.

    You should spend enough so that it doesn't look like you short changed your girl. It should look like you sacrificed a little. But three months salary is ridiculous unless you rich.

    Matter fact here is my new rule. Spend three months of disposable income. 🙂 So three months of your throw away cash after bills. That is much more realistic.

  37. i want a nice ring lol…i don't need him to spend 3 months of his salary on it though. as long as it comes from the heart i'm all good. and they have desert diamonds which come from saudi arabia. they look like real diamonds. my dad got the desert diamond appraised and the jeweler couldn't tell that it was a "real" diamond. he even offered my dad 10k for the diamond lol…but there are some jewelers out there who claim that there diamonds aren't "blood diamonds" but i guess one can't be 100% sure…

    1. Off topic: That brawd that wrote the [email protected] book was on WHUR last night complete with Valley Girl accent. Somebody explain to me how every wanna be bougie female in America that wants to sound educated and wealthy ends up talkin like Molly Ringwald in Sweet 16. Newsflash: The 80s is over and you're not from the Valley. 🙂 WTF.

      1. Hence the reason they are collecting dust living in such fabulousness. That isn't exactly the voice I want to hear when I call…

        1. Bingo! Nothing sexy about ending every sentence with an upward inflection. (Stolen from Stewy on Family Guy who complained about the same thing) 🙂

      2. co-sign.

        but u know that was predictable.

        the media/entertainment arts have put their indelible mark on all of america. the tv/movie screen has democratized the use of socal vernacular and particularly the over-usage of the word 'like'..

  38. Unfortunately, either most women in this comment section are lying, or the women that your blog attracts are not a representative sample of black women. i am the only woman in my group of friends that does not want a diamond ring, so these scores of women co-signing with you are fronting. the blood diamond conflict did solidify my position, but i've always wanted an antique ring with a story behind it- something vintage, beautiful, and connected to my lovely city (New Orleans). it may be pricey- i'm not sure. i am not actively campaigning for pricey, but i also think it's odd to look down on a man willing to spend more to create something his wife will love and adore and be proud of. that doesn't mean that those women would be any less proud of their main or satisfied with their love if they didn't receive some drop-dead gorgeous ring, but it is icing on the cake. what's wrong with icing? i love icing. cake tastes like slightly sweet cornbread without icing. anyway… the point is that spending lots of money on a ring as a status symbol is gross and tacky. spending lots of money on a ring because your wife will love it and you want to make her happy is something completely different. you're lumping the two situations together when there's completely different intents and purposes in each.

    1. You know what … I co-sign this comment.

      You are right. There are some cases where a guy is actually trying to use his money and make something special. And as long as it's not done at the cost of there necessities of his life … then I cannot hate on this fellow.

      And you are right … I did couple to two together.

      And your also right … I was completely shocked by the amount of female co-signage I got.

      Man … you got a lot of right going for you right now.

  39. Most of the woman I know have husbands who created their wedding rings. They weren't particularly large but the attention to detail and capture what he thought would represent her taste, his feelings for her and their bond until marriage. One received an engagement ring with white and pink diamonds. Pink being her fave color, he added that special touch. It isn't particularly large but the pink diamonds make it noticeable. Another's husband designed hers antiqued gold and diamonds. LOVELY. Again, not overstated but not at all understated. Another got a nicely sized solitaire, her husband was very intent on making sure the diamond was a quality diamond that sparkled no matter the size. He didn't spend an entire paycheck and got a lot of bang for his buck.

    Perhaps when you've reached a certain level of maturity you realize what's REALLY important. I concur w/SassyNoLA.

  40. I haven't read all this shit.. But I just want to say I completely agree with you. Completely.

    My birthstone is a diamond and I don't own any. And my best friend just got married and he gave her 15 carats. WOW! But for me… I just want a simple band. We can even go hard and make it platinum.

    I don't really care what other bitches think. If my relationship is solid, I'm great. There is too much poverty to justify such a needless expense.

  41. Oooo kay, and I skimmed the comments and I think Kita represents the view of most women. I think I represent the view of less women and I think SassyNoLA was pretty on point also…

    If a my husband insists on diamonds I will not fight him ridiculously on it.. I will not accept absurdity though – 10k? really? Let's pay off some of these student loans. Lets go to Egypt and see the Pyramids. Let's go to Greece.. Lets do something that will last forever in our minds…

    JMO – and I know I represent a small group of women despite what chicks may say on this site.

    Hating women? Now you know me, and you know I don't care.

  42. I agree engagement rings are just for show. People are usually so preoccupied with finding/recieving the right ring instead of finding the right mate to give it to. I recieved an engagement ring a couple of years ago and had to give it back. I was so focused on the fact that the ring was not enough when in reality my relationship with that person was lacking. I think you should be able to take a bubble gum ring(okay…not literally…maybe an inexpensive ring) if you truly feel this person is your soul mate. And maybe think of upgrading after your 5 year anniversary, since most marriages today don't even last that long.

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