Meeting the Parents

33

I was recently told some chilling words that I had forgot about as a grown man.  Words that took me back to youthful anxiety and made me realized some things still get me shook.  Those words:

“My Dad wants to talk to you” from the boo

Oh boy … I get to spend some quality time with her pops.



Let me elaborate.  I’ve already met this man.  While I was told to be scared and warned of his gun collection (he really has one), upon meeting him he was nice.  He didn’t grill me or beat me down too bad.  We talked casually, and thinks went relatively well.  Crisis averted and now I could move on with life … right?

*flashback circa 2007* (I’m in my early 20’s … and so is she)

SBM: *rings doorbell of dates house. She lives with parents. Forewarned on ride over I will have to meet them*
Date’s Dad: “Well hello.  Welcome. Come in and take a seat.”
SBM: *thinks about how young he was last time he met a girl’s parent’s on the first date* “How are you doing sir?”
Date’s Dad: *as he eyes me up and down* “I’m doing fine. Just fine. So … what do you do for a living?”
SBM: “Well I work for *edit* doing *edit* with computers.”
Date’s Dad: “Ok. That’s a good company. I’ve heard of them plenty.”
Date’s Mom: “Oh hi. How are you?”
SBM: *thinks “OMG”* “I’m fine. You?”
Date’s Mom: “Good. So how do you know *daughter’s name*?”
SBM: “Oh, we met through a friend.  You know *friend’s name*?”
Date’s Mom: “Oh yes. We know here family.  So SBM, do you drink or smoke?”
SBM: *suddenly nervous. This is getting crazy.* “Well, I do drink on occasion.”
Date’s Mom: “Well this is a Christian house!!! We don’t drink or smoke!”
SBM: *thinks of how he finally got daughter’s number at the club after buying her a drink.* “Yes Ma’am.”
Date: *finally enters room* “Hey SBM. I’m ready, let’s go.”
Date’s Mom: “Take care of my baby. No speeding. No running red lights.”
SBM: *running out the door* “Ok.”

See Also:  7 Tips For Discussing Relationship Problems Without Creating Drama

Yes … this is real.  And trust me … it was a lot worst than the conversation leads on.  I had to cut a lot out to make sure I didn’t overwhelm ya’ll.  Now, at the time I had graduated college and was working.  My date was in Law school and staying at home to save money.  I was told I would meet the parents while in the car to pick her up.  The whole situation was crazy.  I didn’t know at that age parent’s still screened first dates?!?!

Because of this one encounter … I still fear meeting parents to this day.

Part of me feels silly though.  I’m an adult.  I can deal with other adults in an adult manner.  I have clients that are sometimes twice my age.  I have colleagues that have kids who I could have gone to school with.  Meeting, impressing, and befriending another adult should be no problem at all.  I have enough charm to disarm a protective father, right?  I have enough to talk about to prove I’m not some bum, right?

But suppose I get scolded again for liking the hooch (liquor) … *shivers*

SBM family, I need help.  How do you cope with meeting the parents?  Is it something you sweat?  Do you just refuse to do it and don’t care what they think?  Are the feelings of your parents towards your significant other even still relevant?  What do you do or how would you do it?

See Also:  Are You Following These Relationship Rules in 2014?

– SBM aka Mr. Loved by parents aka Gonna grill any date of his future daughter aka Gaylord Focker

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Comment(33)

  1. Make sure Booski lets u know what to expect. We know when our parents are about to be on some bullshit. Sometimes its amusing for ppl to surprise their SO with crazy ass parents. I personally think siblings can be the worst. With the parents, all u can do is be yourself and be honest. Sometimes it can awkward and downright uncomfortable but they could possibly be a permanent fixture in your life so make it fun and make it work. As u already stated you're an adult and you know how to make adults like you so just keep working your charm.

  2. Paren'ts love me. I am just very honest and very real. I don't pretend to be something I am not. I have never had a parent ask me about drinking or smoking though. I don't. but it just seems a weird question to ask a person on the first time meeting them. I am a parent though and I will probably ask whatever question enters into my mind, no filter. LOL.

  3. i, like those above, have had good experiences in meeting the fam (i wrote the book on family charm). matter of fact i met the parents of a platonic (or maybe not) friend of mine last night and things went well.

    my question to the masses is;

    if you really do drink and smoke (not cigarettes either, ya mean?) do you answer the parents' inquiry about your recreational habits honestly, or give the textbook answer?

    next time i'm in this situation i'll give an honest answer and let you know what happens, but until then…what say you?

    1. I think, in all honesty, I would want to say "Do you"? But, I would actually probably say, whatever the truth is. In my case, I don't smoke but I do enjoy a glass of wine on occassion….for those alcoholics and potheads. You will have to straight up lie. LOL.

    2. I say it's best to just be honest, if not, lying may come back to haunt you if it winds up being a longterm thing with the SO and they find out that you weren't truthful. Shot credibility with an SO's parents is never a good thing cuz the mean ones will never forget nor let their son/daughter forget.

      Random Question: do y'all think it's harder dealing with Mothers or Fathers?

      1. I think that depends on whether YOU are a man or woman. For women I think it's harder to deal w/ mothers. Just b/c mothers and son's have this thing… and some mom's don't want to let go. Like you could never be THEE woman in their son's life… The fathers just look at you to see if you are a dime piece then slap their sons back w/ a "atta-boy" type attitude.

        I can't speak for the men but I'd venture to say it's harder dealing w/ the fathers…

        1. For the mothers that I've met, they just had a checklist. They wanted to know if their son will be okay. They ask about schooling, and if I can cook (0_0)..

    3. As someone who was in this situation … you lie … but not completely.

      Drink on occasion … ha! I think I had drank something before going over there. And the answer to the other portion was far from optimal either.

  4. LMAO. It is definitely is interesting watching parents play the hardcore parent even when their child has reached adulthood. Coming from a family where my certain members of my "family" will get all up in my significant others business and then some I am not surprised at what occurred. As a female child, the older men in my family who were at one time proud "sluts" they need to assure themselves that the man that I am bringing home will not potentially cause me any heartbreak. My mother is ruthless. She once roped up my boyfrriend (the fact that she even acknowledged he was my boyfriend was amazing given our Islamic household) and politely informed him that if he hurt me it was going to be her and I. On another occassion, this is the same women who when I stupidly fwd her a breakup e-mail she deliberately searched for his e-mail address and e-mailed him counter-attacking his relgious reasoning and reducing him to a bumbling idiot. Even with my mother's gangsta ways I have always limited just how far she could go as an adult. Being as outspoken as I am, if my mother even takes a baby step to far over the line of what I deem acceptable with my significant other I am forecefully ropingher back in. Sometimes a parents concern boarder on inappropriate in that they believe that they can say whatever they want because they are parents. SIKE!!! Not gonna happen on my watch. As Christian as that home was its obvious that they don't know their daughter. That is something that a parent should always remember. What you think you know about little Angela aint what really is. Angela isn't little any more and she is doing big Angela things.

  5. It's funny you write about this because I was JUST talking about how my parents always want to meet any "friend" (guy) that I'm talking to (planning on getting married to/having sex with). I don't understand why Nigerian parents are like this. My mom puts on that high-pitched "hi sweetie, I'm really a nice woman despite what you hear from my daughters" voice and my dad tries to act as cool as Denzel Washington. But I already know what kind of bull they would put my "future" boo through, so I've yet to bring ANYONE home yet. It's a big deal because NO male friend (not even "brother" type pals) have met my parents because I'm scared for them against these Africans. As far as me meeting the parent(s) of the guy, it's only happened once and his mom loved me! She called me more than him. It took a while because my first impression was that "oh man this woman hates me for stealing you from that horrid ex of yours; hope she gets over it" and she did. 🙂
    (…so wait what was the question…?)

    Oh yeah. Meeting the parents is a big deal. I sweat it way too much and I don't know why. If the parents of my girls (female friends) and guys love me, why won't the one of my S.O. love me? (…unless I'm a bird -which I definitely AM NOT!!) I think its important because I'm looking for acceptance from the people who "know what's best for him" but then again, if they don't like me and the boo loves me, his parents have to suck it up and deal with it. And if I'm not wrong for their son and they just can't let go, I can definitely understand but that doesn't mean i'll accept it and allow it to be the reason I'm not with my future baby 🙂

  6. I don't know… I think if you are a halfway decent female it's easier to meet the parents then if you are a guy. As long as you don't come across as a hooch… most of the time, mom will fall back. I've met the parents of two significant others… which is amazing b/c the relationships were only 6 months long each… but I digress.. it went just fine. Both times mom (or the female who played the mom role) loved me, and I loved them. & both times he was pleased with our connection.

    Now as far as him meeting THEM… only happened once & it was pure coincidence. There was a big dinner at my college, parents came and so did he. I was totally unaware that he was coming. So he met the 'rents. It wasnt too bad b/c they met on my neutral turf and there was a big hoopla going on so there was little time for them to grill him. I don't think they would've though. Pops might have questioned that tongue ring he had going on if he didn't change the ball to a clear one #imjustsayin…

  7. I'm really good with parents, even if they try and hard body grill me. If I get grilled by someone's Dad, i'm likely to dead the relationship anyway. I'm just a person who is big on how family can be a barrier in a relationship. But i'm a stand up guy in front of the parents and I never have problems.

    My mother is the type of mother who is everyone's friend, but mine. I usually tell chicks before they meet my mother, "She asks a lot of question. A LOT of questions." But my mother is in the counseling industry so her questions rarely have anything to do with me. My father is cool he's just a big joker, so I will tell chicks, "Don't fuel his jokes because he won't stop. And he's not mean, he's just f*cking with you."

    Overall, I have to thank my parents, they are really good parents. They are laid back and open minded, so I have never had any issues. And I think their approach has shown me what to look for in my partner's parents.

    1. So if a chix parents hard grill you once, you pretty much lean on the relationship? I see your point of view but what if the first time is the only time… and they chill out after that… I mean every parent – or set of parents – may have a different approach.

  8. I've never had an issue meeting parents of anyone: Firends S/O's dates, etc. With the parents, and I'm going to keep it all the way funky, if you are on point from a physical and life perspective, you will get a cosign early!

    If you are attractive then the opposite sex parent will automatically take some type of liking to you (even if they don't show it). If you have a certain level of education, good job, and similar background to the parent (same nationality etc) then that's one foot in the door. Communication skills also aide in easing the blow of a relentless parent (pause?)

    I'd fear the brothers more… those dudes always got the side eye ready!

    1. I concur…Except, I don't know about the same background part. I have a couple Haitian friends that brought Haitian guys home..and mom's was just like "I told you NOT tell you to date them".. The culture part won't work for my parents, it will shock them if I bring a Jamaican guy home…

      I tell guys all the time, don't worry about meeting my dad and my uncles, they cool, and long as your productive, and NOT a waste of sperm, you'll be fine.. My friends, and cousins are the ones to fear. They ask every and anything. If they know you, they will do a background check..

      Anyhoo…Parent's love me. I seem to always be the girl that their sons should've kept around. 🙂

      1. I have to no-sign the Haitian thing. When Haitians know you're haitian, they are relieved because they can show their true side and do certain things in our culture knowing that you won't bug out i.e. Roast and humiliate children in front of friends. lol

        1. DITTO! My mom (and family) would be more than happy if I brought home a gentleman of Jamaican decent. Hell, a Caribbean dude period. But it hasn't happened yet….and might not ever. LOL

    2. Ah yes… the brothers. I have 3 older brothers and they have been OVERprotective of me all my life. Whenever they knew of a guy that was interested in me, they went to work on them and so because of that, I've never introduced them to any of the guys I've been mildly involved with (but also because I'm really private and if I'm not sure there's a future or deem the guy worthy, they get no intro to the fam).

      Parents that I've been introduced to? They LOVE me! I've always been nervous about meeting someone's parents but it's always been cool and I get invited into the fam with open arms.

  9. It all boils down to poise, knowing your worth and selling yourself.

    I really believe that the brothers I associate with and myself are in the top 1% of all potential candidates if u compare and aggregate our best qualities on an equally weighted basis: intelligence, sense of humor, physical prowess, social consciences, financial status, business acumen, humility and raw swagger. When one of these brothers or I meet a parent, (or anyone for that matter) confidence in knowing that we bring as much (read: more) to the table for said daughter compared to any other gentleman, permeates through or conversation and in turn resonates with parents.

  10. Christians can drink or smoke and still be Christians. Unfortunately, your previous dates' parents were of uber-"religous" bunch.

  11. i'm usually good with parents. they usually like me for some reason. i guess its because i have good manners. i don't know but even if parents didn't like me its not any sweat off my back. either you like me or you don't. i don't play the kiss-up role very well.

  12. first and foremost i say tell the truth. you never know what might happen later on down the line. say you tell them you don't drink then they invite you out to your favorite spot that has the best whatever you like to drink, and because you lied, you''ll end up spending the whole night fighting the urge to take a sip. just not worth it. if they can't find enough good in you to outweigh the bad, tough nuggies! lol you're dating that person not their parents, and at the end of the day at least they all know you were honest.

  13. Never had a problem with parents. I met most of their checklist as a "decent young man" enough to never get badgered. Since only a few of the girls I dealt with had fathers (whom never minded me seeing their daughters or pressed me out), most of the time it was their mother. Moms tended to like me. I always was in school and had a job. I always had a neat appearance and when meeting the father: eye contact, speak with surety, firm handshake and keep it cool. You wouldn't believe how many fathers would tell me about their daughters past boyfriends who came in with those wet noodle handshakes, moping around like little boys and never had anything to say of value. Those are the ones the daughter used to end up loving (or having children by) the most.

    No need for the kiss up. The only times I've hit rough patches were with those over-protective strict families whose daughter wound up having kids young anyways.

  14. Oddly enough, I've never had much of an issue. Maybe all of my predecessors that women brought home were such losers, just knowing that I am articulate, have a job and go to church was enough to surpass their expectations.

    1. For once I have to thank the losers for making my job so easy. Thanks ladies for bringing those schlep footed hoods home so that all I have to do is formulate a sentence and I'm asked to stay for dinner!

  15. I don't feel any way about it. If they are within driving distance, I usually meet them very early in the relationship. I haven't met any family who hasn't liked me excplt for ONE mother. She didn't like me when she realized her son spent more money on my Christmas gift than hers. I'd later find out, he was also paying her rent.

    The way I see it, if the person being brought home can put a sentence together and doesn't smell, there aren't too many reasons to not like him–at least initially.

  16. They're always afraid of my dad, I had one friend literally run, and I do mean run -he was fleeing down the crowded streets of DC after the 4th of July fireworks- just to avoid meeting my dad. He claimed my dad gave him a death glare but homeboy was out faster than Hussein Bolt! And yeah my dad is Haitian, grills even the most casual of friends no lie.

  17. This is funny because most mothers do not like me. I see now that its b/c I really had no idea how to relate to them as my mother passed so many years ago. It sucks because they would be so sure I was a hott a$$ and then find out later that I was the nicest girl their son ever dated. So most mothers love me after we break up and will tell me secretly that they wish we were still together. It's funny! Father's on the other hand love me b/c I am gorgeous and charming! (Hmm maybe that's why the Mother's were such haters)

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