Home Dating & Relationships Dating Baby, You’re Not S*xy Anymore

Baby, You’re Not S*xy Anymore

37

I was perusing CNN.com last night as part of my usual “I’m not ready to go to bed” routine. I was digging into a tub of Ben & Jerry’s…until I came across an article headline that said “Dating site expels fatties”. When I saw this, I wondered if e-harmony or another one of the popular dating sites had officially crossed the line and crushed some people’s hopes and dreams. I then wondered if a relationship website had ODed in an effort to make some type of point. So me being me, I clicked on the story. It turned out that an internatonal website called beautifulpeople.com had gotten rid of the profiles of members who has posted pictures after packing on a few pounds during the holiday season. The website’s actual statement said they removed people that were “revealing that they had let themselves go”. The founder of the site then went on to say fatties were not allowed to roam the this dating site because it violated the rules of sexiness or something like that.

I’m not sure what’s more sad here. Is it the fact that people were removed for packing on a few pounds? Is it that new members have to be voted in by members who deem them sexy? Or, is it that people felt genuinely hurt when they were banished for pudge and tried to get readmitted to the website as quickly as possible. There’s just something that seems wrong to me about someone hitting up the gym extra hard just so that they can be eligible for a dating website. Then again, this isn’t much different than what most of us start doing a few months before we know we’re going on a vacation when the skin is going to be out. We know we’re gonna be taking pictures and that a good portion of them will end up online. Either way, most of us succumb to letting the opinions of others dictate how we take care of ourselves from an aesthetic perspective.

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This leads me to another line of thought though. It’s something that we’ve all talked about at some point in our lives. It’s probably something that a portion of us will have to deal with as we get older and as we get divorced married. Since we can all agree that it’s pretty difficult to seriously date someone that you’re not attracted to, what happens when that person you’re dating starts to not look as sexy as when yall first started rolling around in the sheets? Bare in mind that there are some things that people can control, and then there are other things where the person may not have a choice without going through a series of expensive procedures. In terms of you informing your significant other that you’ve noticed “changes” in their physical appearance, at what point is it okay to actually say something to them? Is it when you have to brace yourself every time they get on top of you? Is it when your friends or family asks you about the person or points out something in their appearance?

I don’t expect folks to answer all the questions I posed above. These are just some of the thoughts I had after reading that article on CNN. I am curious what the readers think about the article and people being flagged and removed from the dating website for not being sexy enough. I know we have sites like hotornot.com and ratemypic.com, but I’ve never heard of something like this happening on a dating site. Also, has anyone here ever had to check a significant other about letting him or herself go? How did you approach it and how did it go over? Let us know.

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Making people think on the internets since 2008,

slim jackson

Comment(37)

  1. I went through this…he met me, my hair was relaxed (actually I had a weave at the time) and I was a size six…over the course of several years, I gained weight was up to a size 12 and was know wearing my hair naturally…he told me I went from a Halle Berry to an Angie Stone, yet he expected me to still have sex with him…yeah…let's just say, that was the beginning of the end.

  2. Thinking of being told, "Baby, you're not sexy anymore." is like my second worst fear within a relationship (2nd to being cheated on).

    It's important for each person to be honest and I can/will always respect the truth but I take pride in my physical appearance and GOODNESS, those words would crush my little heart (if said w/o intent to hurt & if I'd actually not realized I let go of myself).

  3. Do you think that maybe the members of the site were too comfortable and that lead to "letting themselves go"? Maybe they figured since they already had access to the dating site then they couldn't possibly get kicked out.

    I guess the same can occur in a relationship as well. When a person gets comfortable, then he or she tends to skip a few corners when it comes to physical appearances.

  4. People change in their appearance over time. It's just a fact. If the person has changed so much that you don't recognize them or its not appealing to you, I think, YOU then are the one with the problem. Nobody should try to fit into someone elses fantasy image of them. Once you start doing that it will build resentment, that relationship is doomed. Especially if the person being called out on their appearance have no problem with the way they look. I made the mistake, of trying to fit into my ex-husbands fantasy image, lost weight, all of that, and he still wasn't happy. Sometimes, you just can't make people like this happy, it will always be something else….but, I do believe you should try to do the things within reason that you know will make yourself appealing to the person you love, withouth losing yourself in the process.

    In terms of the dating site, if this site is advertising a certain product and the people who joined aren't meeting that criterion, then they have the right to do what they deem necessary to please their clientele.

  5. people change, no one stays the same physically just like your hair turns grey or your hairline recedes. i think that a person should always work to keep their weight under control for health reasons but you are not going to be as tight and sexy at 47 as you were at 27. growing older with someone is fun and watching the changes in your body is um, interesting…but when you marry someone "in sickness and in health" and your s/o ends up with high blood pressure and diabetes and puts on weight…do you run off and cheat? or do you work with them to eat the right foods and exercise with your s/o so that they can be with you as long as possible? i'd say the latter and as far as that dating site is concerned…people who are looking for a certain "type" should have that access, i know a woman who had her money returned on match.com cause –honestly? she was just butt ugly.

    1. co-sign.

      granted, im a 23 year old sbm and have little experience with this [ive played soccer and been a runner since age 9; plus, im tougher than my nigerian hair; good genes, thanks parents]. but one thing that has disheartened me since moving back to atlanta last summer, is the number of young people in my age-range who, quite frankly, look way to old/frumpy/bad skin for their age. its like, instead of being hot at 22 and steadily dropping, these people are starting off in a trough and i dont want to see what they turn out like in fifteen years. ive come to the realization that i am shallow. i discriminate hard. but i think it is prefectly fine. maybe even an evolutionary trait. i love curves and all that; please do not get me started on how fat people have hijacked the lovely adjectives describing womenly shapes, ie: curvy, voluptuous, thick, etc. also, being first-generation and having straight-talking parents [married for 30 yrs; still together; five kids.], i remember my mother told me something very prescient around age 13 when the white girls started to flock: make sure you meet their mothers to see what theyre going to end up like.. smh.

  6. I work hard to maintain a healthy lifestyle, and I expect my man to do the same. I'm attracted to men who hit the gym at least 3 times a week, and I love more the man who sets fitness goals for himself and seeks to attain them. So, if my (future) husband began to put on a little weight, but still maintained a regular exercise regimen and doesn't let his beer belly get outta control, then it's all ok with me.

    However, men have to understand that the average woman isn't going to be like Heidi Klum, and walk in a Vickies fashion show in next to nothing after having 3 babies. Celeb moms have access to trainers, nutritionists, chefs, etc. that can help them get back into runway shape. Not so much for the rest of us… With all that said, ladies, having children is not a free pass to skip the gym. I think all people should strive to be in the best shape they can be in at their particular age, and SO's should be able to deal with that.

  7. I'll cross that bridge when i get there whodie…lol

    Seriously, I cosign NIA <del>although she hates everything NYC :(</del> I try my best to remain active and live a healthy lifestyle, I would like a SO to do the same. We cant control age, but we can control fitness!

  8. I think it is all in how you reveal that they are letting themselves go. You can't hit them with a "you sho is ugly" (in my best color purple voice). As long as you agree to work together on the appearance change (let's work out together) or give a good solution (i know a doctor for that), i think there is absolutely no problem in letting them know how you feel.

  9. I think its much more important than you think. When you meet someone you are attracted to two basic things. Looks and personality. If someone's personality DRASTICALLY changes thats a reason to leave but looks arent? I'm not talking about 20lbs or so, more like 50ish. I think drastic weight gain/change in looks are enough reason to leave a relationship(not a marriage though).

    How many people would date the person who was clean cut/urban chic but now is a punk rock goth?

  10. After my freshman year of college, it was obvious that I gained the infamous Freshman 15 or more. It showed a lot in my face. One day my boyfriend at the time told me that "something looks different". Then his friends told him that "your girl gained weight". I guess he didn't want to have the fat girlfriend. Now I wasn't big, I just put on a few pounds on my size 4 frame. My bf became concerned. I was concerned…I couldn't fit in my clothes and felt myself jiggling!

    Some people actually "let themselves go" once they are in a relationship, because they get comfortable. If I met you fit, stay fit. I understand that its harder to lose it as we age, but effort counts.. Anyhoo…Since then, I've been very conscious of my appearance. I've been hitting the gym, not only to look good for the summer, but to stay fit for life. 🙂

  11. Well I've just started to look at some dating sites and I'm really surprised at how superficial it all really is. So a site kicking out fat people doesn't surprise me. Is that any different from a site asking you to describe your body type and then giving you the option to eliminate certain body types from your searches? Same thing really.

    As far as partners changing. Time and health change things. I'm stronger now than I was at 22 but of course my body looked better at 22. That's just life. People really don't change. So if you are dating someone that doesn't like to excersise that normally is not gonna change no matter how big they get.

    But here is some food for thought. Many people claim that they like their partners to be slim for health reasons. In many cases that is BS. Just a cover for their adopting European standards of beauty. The so called "Body Mass Index" says that your average professional athlete is obese. Go to LA and notice how small many of the black people are and how obsessed they are with weight. I can't tell you how many vegetarians I've met that are really just closet anorexics. Here is a thought? Physical appearance is just one indicator of health. A-Ha ( In Jewish Accent)

    Expecting someone to look like they are 18 when they are 34 is stupid. Before checking your partner weight gain. You might want to check yourself spiritual deficiencies.

    1. "is a thought? Physical appearance is just one indicator of health." – TRUTH

      My mom's Nintendo Wii told me that I was morbidly obese and on the verge of death. I can promise you that I'm in better shape than most people half my weight.

      "The so called “Body Mass Index” says that your average professional athlete is obese." – Yea but no. When you use one of those formulas that calculate based on height, weight, sex and age – yea. But when you go to a doctor or someone who really knows how to take a BMI using the skinfold technique, they are dead on about your health

  12. I think that this blog post was really insightful and opens up a lot of issues.

    I am going to get into some things that I notice about black women specifically. I call this my "giggle theory". In our culture, we blatantly articulate to women that if you want to be sexy, you have to have a big ole phat butt, some plump, perky juicy tata's and wide hips. While all cultures find some curves attractive, we take it too far. What this does is that, it subconsciously makes black women think that its ok to weigh more and be thick "in all the right places". So when women start to gain a little wait and put on pounds, they look at their girlfriends and say "Yea girl, I'm getting thick". But in all reality, you are really getting fat and out of shape. In other cultures (especially white, mainstream culture) women look in the mirror and say I've gained a little weight; fuck it, I'ma change my diet, I'ma loose this flab and I'ma hit the treadmill and I am going to try and maintain a slim, toned figure as long as I can.

    BUT, many factors play a role. White mainstream culture promotes being slimmer (black culture doesnt). White women do cardio (for the most part) try to eat healthy and workout (not the case for most of the black women). White women are often married and have careers and can afford personal trainers, organic foods and make time to go to the gym (often times, black women have families where they are the only parent or breadwinner and simply dont have the time or the resources to go to the farmers market or the gym three times a week).

    Some weight gain and physical changes you cant prevent, but we can't hide behind pregnancies, or the foolish pride of being a sexy BBW, because not only do we look unhealthy, we are Unhealthy and nobody will care how unattractive you are, if you have diabetes, high blood pressure and a whole lotta other ish going on.

      1. Feel free to steal and make it a topic good brother. It aint copyrighted, I promise! lol. You guys are always on point on this site and it would make me feel good to know that I somehow contributed to a good topic and discussion!

    1. I agree w/ everything except one thing.

      "Often times, black women have families where they are the only parent or breadwinner and simply dont have the time or the resources to go to the farmers market or the gym three times a week" – This is true but this is no excuse. Everyone will tell you that small changes have huge effects. Stop eating fried chicken and mac and cheese. Take the steps instead of the elevator. Pushups, situps and running and jogging (even if its in place) is something that all are free

      1. I totally agree. But when you have cultural habbits and traditions, those things are HARD to break.

        For example, I have ALWAYS wondered why black women dont work out and strive to keep that small waist-to donkey ass ratio, lol. One day, a group of chicks told me that they dont work out, because they dont want to sweat their hair out on a daily basis. Sounds remedial and funny, but this is a reality that most black men dont consider and other ethnic groups and their women dont have to deal with.

        Its also hard to tell them to stop cooking fried chicken and mac 'n' cheese, when that 's what they grew up eating and thats whats been made every sunday in their homes for the past 40 years. They can make this change, buts it would take a tremendous amount of effort.

        I to, don't like to allow people excuses as to why they dont want to keep them selves together (if even on for aesthetic purposes) but I often have to understand WHY they dont do small things like change in diets and hitting they gym a couple times a week.

        1. Then you will either: a) make other changes in the rest of your diet, b) exercise, c) eat below normal to normal portions (as definied by the FDA), d) be blessed w/ a fast metabolism or e) be fat

  13. i have no problem with telling a s/o that she is starting to let herself slip. why wait till it gets to a point where she's already starting to become less and less attractive to me? i think that would cause more harm than good. i wouldn't say it in a mean way or anything like that. i would just suggest things on the slick. like maybe we should start going to the gym together or go running or jogging. i'm already a gym rat as it is so hopefully she'll understand the importance of physical fitness. i'm in the gym 4-5 times a week and hopefully that would be incentive for her to not lay around and be lazy.

    also i would hope if i started packing on the pounds (although i don't see this happening) that she would be up front and honest with me.

  14. OK flipside. Black people have more muscle mass than whites. Fact. So you can be in the best shape in the world and you will appear fat to a white person. Just youtube and see how many white people say Beyonce is fat and overweight. I had a doctor tell me I should be 180 pounds. I haven't been 180 pounds since I was 18 and I wasn't even finished growing yet.

    Here is something else I've noticed. For black people, the more time you spend with whites or people of other races, the more likely you are to be uncomfortable with your appearance. I know a black women that recently married a non black. She became a vegetarian. I saw her in a backless outfit and her bones were showing. Is that healthy? If i haven't been 180 since high school should I strive to be that size now? Would that be healthy? What about the gay vegetarian white guy in my office who looks like he doesn't have the energy to tie his shoes and walks around in the summer time with a dam sweater on. Is he healthy? Or just obsessed with his weight?

    Look I'm just sayin. Healthy and thin are not the same thing. Black people should strive to be healthy not to be as thin as Europeans. Look I have the same pot belly I had in my baby pictures. My metabolism is slow and always has been. That's what enabled my ancestors to survive in Africa and me to build muscle for football in high school. But as big as I might look I can do 45 minutes on the eliptical, no problem and another 20 on the tread climber. Your health formula is like your finger print. It is unique to you. So do what works for your and forget about what other people think.

    1. "For black people, the more time you spend with whites or people of other races, the more likely you are to be uncomfortable with your appearance."

      not true. I spend a lot of time with whites at work and I am the thinnest of them all. I know I may be the exception, but I even was told once that I was "withering away" I wanted to slap that woman where she stood, but that's another discussion.

      wanting to be vegetarian shouldn't be a "white thing". most do it because they've researched the process in which food is "created" and no longer have a desire to eat that way.

      I'll never be a vegetarian, but I don't knock it and I try to eat healthy because I care about myself and I want to be around for a long time.

      healthy and thin aren't the same, but losing weight for health reasons (like diabetes that is imposed by weight gain) is not a bad thing. of course horrible eating habits are what probably caused the gain in the first place, so that should be corrected too.

    1. No bullshit! BMI will have you about kill over from starvation. Seriously, anybody from doctors to trainers that talk to me about BMI lose all credibility. Cause if you really work out you understand how flawed that joint is.

    2. BMI is pretty much only for sedentary people. If you train and have any appreciable muscle mass, it's a useless metric. I'm just picturing Reggie Bush laughing uncontrollably as a doctor is telling him he's obese because of his BMI.

  15. First, about the site. If they are supposedly promoting “beautiful people”, then they have the right to have whatever requirements they want for people to qualify for their site. But on the other hand, I’d question the superficiality and the intelligence of the person who would try to find love on a site based strictly on appearances. Seriously, how much weight can you gain over the holidays? Did these people gain twenty pounds in December and changed to the point that they had to be kicked off the site?

    Regarding weight gain in general, yes, it makes a difference. Physical appearances do matter, no matter how much people try to say they don’t. Going from a size 4 to 8 is one thing, going from a 4 to a 14 means you need to push yourself away from the table, stat. No one should just accept you’re getting fat, and no amount of whining about “what’s on the inside” excuses someone from gaining forty pounds. You don’t have to look like a fitness model, but you shouldn’t look like Mo’Nique either. If someone says it to you, realize they are just pointing it out before your weight gets unmanageable.

    Yes, you should say something if your significant other is noticeably packing on the pounds. They can take it two ways. One, realize that you, the scale, and their clothes aren’t lying and they actually are gaining weight, and if they want to, they can make changes now. Or two, get mad, whine about you’re mean, pretend the whole world is against them, complain about unrealistic societal ideals, all while they cruise towards 200 pounds, diabetes and high blood pressure.

    1. I would just encourage everyone to examine their motivation. Are you concerned with the your partner's health or do you just want a skinny girl. If you really love someone the first question you should be askin is why are they gaining weight? Are they excersising? What are they eating? Do they have gland problems, thyroid problems or other genetic predispositions. Is it just stress?

      See my problem is yall are quoting sizes. Size 4, Size 6, Size 12. So you are not concerned with health. Just size. And you are not recognizing that changes in your bodies metabolism come with time and we all have genetic limitations.

      The best trainer I know, a dude named Yhonnie Shambourger (you can google him cause he is large like that), always says his goal is to push you as far as your genetics will allow. He recognizes that there is no 1 size fits all and we all have limitations.

      If you don't know a persons genetic limitations and other critical facts about their body then you really shouldn't be giving any advice on losing weight. Losing weight is a struggle for many people. Just tellin someone "your fat you need to work out" is like a doctor giving you an asprin for cancer. The problem is more complex than that. So again my question would be are you concerned for your partner or do you just want to bang skinny chicks? If you are really concerned your approach would be different.

      1. J: "See my problem is yall are quoting sizes. Size 4, Size 6, Size 12."

        I quoted sizes to emphasize weight gain, not just weight. That's why I said "going from 4 to 14" is a problem, but didn’t have much of an issue with “Going from a 4 to an 8”. The former clearly isn't about genetic limitations or age-related weight gain, that's just getting fat.

        J: ” So again my question would be are you concerned for your partner or do you just want to bang skinny chicks?”

        It was pretty clear that I was talking about physical appearances, not necessarily health; that is why I said, "Physical appearances do matter, no matter how much people try to say they don’t." I agree with you that if you first meet a woman and she’s a size 16, then that’s what you should expect. She doesn’t become your pet project to try to get down to a size 2. But again, we are talking about getting out of shape; physical appearances completely within your control changing for the worse. If I got fat, stopped shaving, stopped getting my hair cut, and just really let myself go, I would fully expect my significant other to say something.

        Unless you are pregnant or have some type of serious hormonal imbalance or disease, no one just gains forty pounds.

  16. wanting to be vegetarian shouldn’t be a “white thing”. most do it because they’ve researched the process in which food is “created” and no longer have a desire to eat that way.

    ——————————–

    Not saying it's a white thing. But I have seen it used by many people to mask an unhealthy weight obession. Or poor body self image. No one wants to admit that they are starving themselves so becoming a vegetarian is a good cover for why you limit yourself to 1000 calories a day.

    Personally I question how healthy a lifestyle it is. My personal opinion is that it's not what you consume but how much.

  17. "I’m not sure what’s more sad here. Is it the fact that people were removed for packing on a few pounds? Is it that new members have to be voted in by members who deem them sexy?"

    It's pretty sad, but frankly, who wants to be included in such a terrible group anyway? Bottomline, I don't want someone who doesn't want me. I mean, yeah folks are attracted to what they are attracted to when it comes to physical features, and yes it does take a whole 'nother level with fatness since it is a societal predjudice and not just a simple preference for the individual. There are people out there that PREFER more meat on the bones, but since society deems it "unbeautiful" the above website takes on a deeper meaning. Which, I completely undertand.

    But, ain't that the same site I read about that has majority skinny Swedish chicks? Seems like not many people would make that site, fat or not. Bottom line, beauty is subjective. What may be Boris Kodjoe to me may be Flavor Flav for the next chick*.

    *I know, extreme example, but that chick might actually be out there. No matter how o_O-worthy that thought is.

  18. Hugh Jazz I wasn't talking to you specifically but you stated my my point well. If people don't like fat chicks they should say that instead of trying to sound deep and saying they are concerned about the persons health. Nothing wrong with having a preference.

    ___________

    Cheekie said "There are people out there that PREFER more meat on the bones, but since society deems it “unbeautiful” ……..

    This is so true. Plenty of guys like thicker women but you will not hear anybody admit to it. Because our society says skinny is beautiful people feel ashamed to date someone that doesn't fit that image.

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