Home Dating & Relationships Rules of Engagement The Assist: The Male Matchmaker

The Assist: The Male Matchmaker


There are plenty of fish in the sea and with a big enough net, you still probably won’t catch them all. If in your travels you come across a school of fish and aren’t able to catch all the fish in your net, do yourself and others a favor, pass that assist. Passing out assists are one of the things that make friendship a pleasure and not a burden. If you don’t pass out assists then you’re just a bad friend. There are several types of assists; the lateral assist, noticing that you can’t get any further and giving it up for the next man to try, the alley-hoop, taking the ball all the way to the basket before ducking away and letting another player score, or even the full court lob, done out of desperation to avoid a total lost, giving the ball to the player most likely to win and taking the L yourself. The best assists and my personal favorite are no-look passes where the chick doesn’t even know your passing. I have perfected this art in my travels. My friends often refer to me as Steve Nash. However beware if you’re Tyrone Hill it doesn’t matter who’s passing you the ball you won’t get it in the basket. Enough of that though, this story came across my desk this week:

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Dr. — Hypothetical for you. You’re single, you have a female friend, and she lives in Miami. You’re pretty sure you could smash but, because she lives in Miami, the opportunity to do so is limited. You have a male friend who just moved to Miami and he’s not adjusting well, difficult time meeting people, etc. Your female friend might move to DC in a year, is it okay for you to not put your male friend in touch with your female friend because you don’t want him to smash before you get the opportunity? And, for you, it would clearly be about the smash, because she’s a train wreck and you’d never seriously date her. Thoughts? – Anonymous

I love my job.

Let’s briefly tackle this manner. 1) This girl is a jumpoff. I hate to generalize but this girl has all the typical signs of a jumpoff. If a man is worried his friend will smash this chick before he can then she must be easy. 2) If you have a friend in Miami that you can smash, the real question is, “What’s keeping you from going to Miami and smashing?” 3) Poon coupons have no expiration date on them. If she will smash you now, she will smash you later, even if she smashes your friend.

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As a reminder to this guy, it’s bros before hos always. You can’t leave a man down, especially a man down in Miami, over some nut you’ve stashed away for a snowy day. Plus, who’s to say you can’t just tell your friend, I’m introducing you to this chick that I want to smash, so don’t beat. Unless, revisit point #1, she’s a jumpoff. And you know that she’s prone to ho activity.

If I was that guy, even in this situation, I would definitely introduce him to the chick and tell her to help him have a good time. I would even tell her, he’s a real nice guy who likes to have a lot of fun, he just needs to get his beak wet. The benevolence of poon always comes back around. And who knows you may end up at the Eiffel Tower with this chick later and then you get to smash.

Please answer the following questions in the comment box; 1) What do you think about this guy? and 2) Do you think he is obligated to connect his friend in Miami? As always, your other thoughts and comments are greatly appreciated.

This is Dr. J.


  1. this is too funny… personally I think that you should take a trip down to Miami smash the chick then introduce her to your friend so he can have his way with her, then everyone wins!

  2. Wow.I wonder if this girl knows she's only seen as a piece of ass.hmm wonder if she has a name other than poon or chick.its funny how her only purpose is to be screwed. I wonder if she's aware.I keep hoping that the portrayal of women(all, some, or any woman) as just being good for a nut will ever change.Guess ill keep hoping.

    1. I agree with you 100%. I don't find this amusing or entertaining at all. This is immature. Nobody is even thinking about sex but the man in this situation, yet the woman is labeled as a jumpoff. Sounds like the only one that's prone to the ho activity is the man. She's a trainwreck and you'd never date her, but you would use her solely for your sexual gratification.

      This is very tasteless, especially considering the fact that the majority of the readers are women. #epicfail

      1. I hope that you see my reply below and also realize this, do not put those feelings on me the writer because this is what came across my desk. I don't know either of the guys or the girl. I'm just going on the information that was provided to me.

  3. I think it's really petty that he won't help out his friend just because he doesn't want the guy to smash before him. How old is this joke?

    Additionally, I agree with Dora. I wonder if the girl knows this is how she is viewed. I think he should just go ahead and introduce the two, and not give any information other than that. "I just want a friend to meet a friend."

  4. Oh this is hilarious. To address your points: 1) How is this girl a jump off simply because there's a chance that in the YEAR that she'll be in Miami the writer's friend may get some? The writer said she was a train wreck, not a ho. This right here is a clear case of (young) men trying to cast a woman as a ho when she's not auditioning for the role. 2) Agreed. I would add, if she's not worth taking a little vacation to Miami then she certainly isn't worth waiting a year for. Or the writer just can't afford it. "Uh, baby just hold on – I'm saving $20 a month and in 8 months I'm coming down there to break you off!" lol 3) This is just not true unless you are going back to the assumption that she's a scuzzy ho. Once a woman has picked a man in the group, she's not going to just sleep with other friends in the circle.

    The writer's best bet is to follow your initial advice, introduce the 2 of them and let things happen naturally. The guy friend in Miami may not think she's a trainwreck. This man must think he's Tyler Perry the way he's scripting these people's lives.

    I'm not going to get into a long lecture about how the writer is looking at women. Certainly I won't mention that if this girl is really a "friend" he's being a shady jerk. I'll just say that the brewing plot is far too advanced for him, lol.

      1. Ok, I feel where you're coming from – somewhat. My point is still that you're defining the woman as a jump off based on what the man's intentions are for her. Maybe the more accurate way to say it is that the WRITER doesn't want a relationship with her but would like to treat her as a jump-off. There's no proof that she is one.

  5. omg, this is one of the worst posts ever — she's a train wreck so she deserves to be f*'d and treated like a whore by you and your friend? hell, maybe that's why she's a train wreck in the first place, such caring and considerate men such as yourself making sure that she is treated like a lady and not just a piece of a s s.

    i cannot believe you put down the no look pass as your all time favorite — it makes you an immature schemer — ugh, i could go further but this particular blog needs to be filed under turn off's written by an a*hole.

    Dr. J i expected better from you!

    1. Good morning to you too, lol. Once again, someone has jumped to a conclusion without really understanding my point. The reason why she's a jumpoff is simple, it's in the way a man feels like he can treat her, the way a man speaks about a woman, everything… These criteria are really easy to notice and rarely are there exceptions; 1) He knows he can "smash" the very use of the word smash to describe sex with someone let's you know it's not someone you take THAT seriously, 2) You are afraid your boy might smash, if the chick is not a jumpoff then you are not worried, because either you put in mad work to get to the point of smashing, or you know that she just doesn't smash anybody, 3) She's a trainwreck, now what type of trainwreck would keep a man from dating a woman seriously, as stated in the article, consider what we've seen in point #1 and #2, and that's why I can deduct so quickly that the chick is a jumpoff. But hey, maybe she's not.

      The no look pass is my favorite and immature people can't pull it off. It's as easy as introducing two people without even saying to either one that they would be good together, it's about introducing two people that you have a good feeling with have great chemistry together.

      I hope this explains my point.

      1. yes it explains your point — but i still feel sorry for her (hypothetically) and you really don't need to play match maker mr. no look.

        1. Stay tuned, i'm going in on why I don't like to play matchmaker anymore because you never know what your boys/homegirls will do. I have some horror stories of expecting people to be gentlemen and ladies and finding out different.

  6. I dont think that he is obligated to do anything but it would be the right thing to do considering his friend is having a hard time down there. On another note, there are people, both men and women, in this world that are only seen as jump offs. Earlier this week we mentioned the dilemma of the good guy not getting any play because 1) he's the good guy and 2) there is a male jump off that is taking care of her. Is this any different? The bottomline is that there are people in this world, male female or other, who are only good for a nut (mostly defined by their own actions).

    1. This is only different because the woman hasn't slept with either the writer or his friend, so how can either of them categorize her as a jumpoff? Maybe that's all the writer wants from her, but we don't have enough information to assume.

      1. We all know that there are tell tales signs of jumpoffery, she may be exhibiting those. The meer fact that he calles her one allows us to infer that he has some type of proof. Also, this is an hypothetical situation where the writer has defined the terms. Not calling her a JO is equal to us saying "How do we know she's actually in MIA, she's probably in Ft. Lauderdale"

        1. The writer never called her a jump off. Jay did that, based on the fact that the writer finds her attractive but doesn't want a relationship. He describes her as a trainwreck, which could mean she has drama with an ex/baby daddy, clingy, emotionally/financially unstable – could be a lot of things. He also describes her as a "friend". Based on what the information given I would conclude that he is trying to take advantage of a needy friend who likes him.

        2. You ever notice how women will be quick to save-a-ho, from the title ho. But even quicker to throw a man into the ho category. Classic example, this chick has more signs that she is a jumpoff than not, and these women are acting like it's the Whitney Houston Crack Cocaine set up. If the tables were turned and it was a dude, who is successful, own car and own crib, and a good job, they'd be like, "He's a ho."

          For no reason…

        3. Please Jay – share with us the "more signs than not" of a jumpoff that don't include her sleeping with anyone. I'm dying to hear it.

          And usually, women love throwing each other under the ho bus, myself included. I'm just not seeing the connection. Is there more to the letter?

  7. I think dude could probably find someone to smash on his own if he really put in the time and effort..and there is more than one J.O. in the sea to consider….why do you need to put him on…that could end up backfiring on you…it could turn into the real thing…don't you think a JO can reform her ways…or is she forever viewed as a JO? No, I don't think you should get in it….its MIAMI beautiful women everywhere…if he can't find somebody to smash on his own something is wrong with him……

  8. As immature as this may sound….it's reality. And both sexes are guilty of it. As originally stated this female is a "train wreck". It's not nice to say but we know that some folk at least at the moment aren't prime candidates for serious relationships but that doesn't mean their useless. Who's to say this female ain't just trying to get her nut off as well. It takes 2 so clearly she's aware of what she wants to do.

    I'd put my man on to her. Tell him about her and let the chips fall as they may. Ain't no shortage of females in the MIA anyway.

  9. Well it's always your duty, within your circle of friends, to throw assists whenever possible. When I was really out there dating and I met a new female I would always inquire about her friends because the double date thing makes everyone more comfortable. I got my man there she got her girl there. Everybody is havin fun. So yeah I always look for the opportunity to assist.

    Now in the scenario you described all I can do is laugh. Bamma hand cuffin a brawd in a different time zone. Pass the ball Kobe. Check down to Westbrook McNabb. (for the football fans) Real dudes don't handcuff or cock block.

  10. 2) Do you think he is obligated to connect his friend in Miami?

    obligated? no. he shouldn't introduce the two of them. if he hasn't already that means he's weary about some small part of at least one person's personality. when your friends move to new places the first thing you do is get them connected with your peoples, right?

    this can't end well, i think the new guy in miami must be tyrone hill if he can't eat in miami. besides, she's about to move anyway and if he does introduce the two and they become friends, the first question will be "why weren't we introduced earlier?" lose-lose

    *iverson voice* we talking about a jumpoff…not wifey, or a bad chick, but a jumpoff

    and ladies, we only call em jumpoffs 'cause we don't their names individually, let's not get sensitive this morning.

    1. however, in a perfect world he should introduce the two, his boy will smash and use that as a springboard to subsequently smash 34.8% of the video vixens in south beach during his miami tenure which will lead to cameos in rick ross videos and a production deal with cool & dre

      the friend will then give intel on how to efficiently smash the jumpoff upon her arrival to dc a year later

      …somebody pinch me

  11. I believe that the only way that you can control the actions and thoughts of others is by changing your own actions…sooo if this girl really isn't a jump-off then she won' t allow any of this to go down…but if she walks like a hoe and talks like a hoe and acts like a hoe…well then she probably is. Women have a lot of sexual power and if you don't know how to harness it and ur just giving out like free condoms in a college dorm…well then I'm gonna call you a hoe and treat you accordingly, because I only respect those that respect themselves.

  12. i think that he should introduce his friend to the woman. what's to say that he could beat anyway? she might not want him.

    the bigger question is why isn't the writer's friend not adjusting well to miami? if he is having a hard time meeting women there then i suspect that its more of a personable problem.

    1. It's because in Miami everything costs a fortune and it's extremely intimidating. If you're not balling in Miami, you're losing… Miami is not the same when you live there as when you just visit and vacation. Plus, Miami and South Beach are two totally different entities.


  13. "Friends/How many of us have them/Friends/ones you can depend on…" Before I answer your 1. and 2., is this guy sure he is not the father his female "friend" really wants him? I mean he says so, but how many guys do you know with an EXTREMELY inflated sense of self-confidence and then they try to play off their failures as if there was something wrong with the chick? I'mjustsayin. Not everyone gets enough oxygen in the brain. I'm not even going to touch on the fact that he only thinks about Hulk smashing her but that's his "friend."

    1. Fake talk though, I think they're both on that Special K: the advisee for thinking that his female "friend's" Jamba Juice is up for grabs, not to mention in another YEAR's time and for the socially awkward friend who still rides the short yellow bus in Thundercats underwear has a hard time adjusting. Social skills are a must if you want to socialize, right? He'll either sink or swim.

    2. Is he obligated? No. It would be nice to introduce the two but not in terms of "You. Woman. Smash." but as two human beings that could possibly hit it off (not always sexually). And truth be told, one man's jumpoff can be another man's treasure troll.

  14. Dr. J (@DrJayJack) says It’s because in Miami everything costs a fortune and it’s extremely intimidating. If you’re not balling in Miami, you’re losing… Miami is not the same when you live there as when you just visit and vacation. Plus, Miami and South Beach are two totally different entities.



    Funny. When I was in Miami I felt like I was visiting a foriegn country. And it wasn't as pretty as I expected. Don't get me wrong. I liked it and it was very unique. But I would describe it as New York with palm trees. For warm weather I prefer LA or San Diego.

    1. NY With palm Trees #cmonson

      MIA is a tropical metropolis, and it has more personality that Cali to me. The women are excelente, but thats for the simple who relegate themselves to one part of South Florida.

      Dade-Broward-Palm o my!!

      Now theres too many women to be wishin on a star for one broad. Hes not OBLIGATED to introduce, but he should throw the inadvertant no look to son, have her be his personal guide/hold him down, and let the chips fall where they may.

      If son has trouble getting to MIA to beat, he's as whack as his mans for being shy and not gettin it in on his own… no shots tho!

  15. Had a meeting (dang day job), but here are my thoughts after reading the new slew of comments:

    So, based on the comments posted by several of the fellas, if a man only wants to have sex with me and thinks there's a possibility that he could, that makes me a jumpoff? Well good people of SBM, I am here to announce that my much-wanted booty must be the BIGGEST HO-BAG JUMPOFF that ever got on this here website! Do you know how many men I HAVEN'T had sex with? It's got to be up to (counting fingers…..and toes) 25 by now, lol.

    It is a cloudy day when a boy who hasn't had even a whiff can think that not only will HE get some, but so will his friend. What's your plan – you gonna pull out some roofies and Spanish Fly on her?

    1. Here's what i'll say, I know some females, and some of them are my friends and some of them are not. And I can tell you that some of them I could sleep with because I want to and some of them I cannot sleep with out trying hard, and some there's no chance in hell. This is what we call a judgment call.

      Did you have any thing else you would like to offer about the actual article on whether he was c-blocking or was being a bad friend?

      1. He can't control what either of them will do if he introduces them, so I wouldn't call it c-blocking. That's why I think the plan is mean but laughable. He IS being a bad friend, especially to the young woman.

      2. Well ok, are the ones that you call your "friends that you could sleep with" all jumpoffs?

        Because that seems to be what your previous posts are implying: that any woman who is a trainwreck by you standards even if you call her a "friend" to her face, and you could also quite probably sleep with her, even though you haven't, is a jumpoff.

        1. Sadly, that's not what my posts are implying. AND THIS IS THE LAST I will say on this,

          If I say, I could smash that girl if I wanted to, in fact, when I see her, I'm positive i'm going to smash. Then I go on to say, If I put my boy on, he'll probably smash too. Then chances are i'm going to think that she's a jumpoff, maybe my problem is that I don't think my boys loosely throw around the term, "I could smash." Some men do, my team doesn't. And as a jumpoff, she's probably a trainwreck if i'm already assuming she smashes frequently and often to just about any dude who makes a play at her.

          Here's what i'd recommend most people do, read something and understand the whole thing, not just the words that you can understand. If people had done this earlier today, they would have been moved on.

          Plus, I must say, I notice a silver lining against people who defend "falsely accused" jumpoffs to the death. But I won't say anymore.

        2. Boy please – you just mad cuz you don't make sense and several someones called you on it. You made an assumption and who knows? You may be totally right. But your logic is waaay flawed and I'm just saying give the girl the benefit of the doubt. Shoot, somebody got in front of Simon last night and just KNEW they would make it to the next round, right up until security escorted them out while they were still singing, lol. The writer said he was "pretty sure" he could smash. You took that aaalll the way to, "I could smash that girl if I wanted to, in fact, when I see her, I’m positive i’m going to smash." Do you know how EASY it is for boys to talk their way out of some booty? Can you breathe? It's that easy. All I'm saying is not to call her a chicken before she clucks.

          PS – I'm gettin' on your nerbs today ain't I? tee-hee.

  16. 1) What do you think about this guy?

    I think the guy is pathetic. If he puts as much time, energy, and deep thought into running a business as he puts into predicting the future, being a bad "friend'', and worrying about vagina then he should be millionaire and contributing great things to the black community. Assuming he is black, of course.

    2) Do you think he is obligated to connect his friend in Miami?

    Is he obligated? No. Should he? I would say yes. The friend might really like this girl and have a good time getting to know her and being shown around town. The guy should also leave out any suggestions that the girl is some sort of trainwreck or jumpoff. If she truly is either of those things then let your homie down in MIA figure it out for himself.

  17. 1) I feel like the dude shouldn't be selfish and just introduce the man to the chick Miami. He already said that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her, so if he just wants to smash before his friend does, he better go to MIA and get some. If she's a jumpoff like Dr. J says, then she'll prob do the dude's friend anyway.

    2) And no, I don't think he's obligated to introduce his friend, but it would be a friendly thing to do in order to help the guy make friends in MIA. I mean, I would introduce my good friends to friends in cities where they moved if they asked me to…

  18. Man, rough day Dr. J. My answers to the questions are like what's already been said, share the wealth and stop trying to read others minds, what will be will be…I won't continue to try and crucify you for just telling us like it is (that's one big reason why we come here after all, isn't it ladies? To hear a man's unadulterated opinion) but can I be so bold as to posit why the ladies (I am a lady as well) are having such a visceral response to this post?

    It really is frustrating that we (women) are to be the protectors of the goods at all times, without wavering, strong and above reproach or we are labeled with this week's version of the word whore (jump-off, side piece, friend with benefits, however you want to say that we're good enough to mate, but not good enough to date). Women are sexual creatures as well, women wanna tear a brother apart from time to time, we like to get a lil pipe laid sometimes too – and yeah, most of us would prefer that it be from our man – but ya'll need like 3 months and damn near perfection to commit to a lady. Sometimes we're horny! Just like you! We'd just like the ability to be human every once in a while without one bad decision resulting in the scarlet A forever being brazened into our chests. Also this hypothetical woman may be genuinely interested in the man in DC – so yeah maybe he could get it, but give yourself and woman kind some credit guys – just because you can get it, certainly doesn't mean that your friends can. Perhaps there is truly something appealing about you *gasp* that unleashes the beast in this woman. Shoot, count yourself lucky. Men gotta stop thinking that everything that a woman does with you, she's doing with everyone. (Yeah I know there are some shady ladies doing dirt, but there are *cough*lots of*cough* men that way too – you gotta take things case by case or all hope is lost). Just my two cents. And I still love ya J, sometimes it's hard for us to hear the hard truth, but it's like taking medicine, gotta be done. We'll be stronger for it tomorrow and as a result know how to deal with those perceptions better in the future.

    1. Agreed. I also understand your desire for females compadres to relate to a guy's opinion, namely Dr. J's. I don't think the aim of most of the (female) respondent's messages were to crucify or Lucify Dr. J. I think we're looking at the advisee and his derailed train of thought with the extreme side eye because it appears as if it's one of those "is she really that young, dumb and full of…self-esteem issues that she can't see them trying to play peen bag with her?" underlying thoughts. If so, my man is 0 for 2 in the friendship department because he has Quasimodo or Beast, the socially awkward friend, and someone whose name should be Tallyho.

      There are so many holes in the advisee's little fact blurb that he filled in stuff with his imagination. I've heard of unrequited love but unrequited smashing? That's crazy.

      "I don't care how you get here/ just get here if you can/ There are hills and mountains between us…"

    2. I'll gladly tell you why my opinion is so visceral, its because if this were a white man stereotyping a black men with a label based on what the white man "thought" instead of something that the black man had actually "done" then the tables would be turned and the men here would be having a reaction. Its sexism, hypocrisy, and Orwellian doublespeak all rolled into one!

      Men want to judged on their individual merits but think nothing of labeling a woman with a derogatory term with no evidence of anything to back it up. So far, the only thing that has been confirmed is the woman is a trainwreck, whatever the heck that amounts to by male standards. However, she hasn't had sex with anyone. Yet, this amounts to her being a jumpoff in his mind. I guess virgins can be whores too then.

      And that black man I saw yesterday at the bus stop is obviously a criminal, because I was once victimized by a black man and I'm pretty sure that the guy at the bus stop could have stolen from me if he had wanted to. In fact, I KNOW he wanted to, even though he didn't. Presto! He IS a criminal. See! I KNEW IT!!

  19. Lesson for fellas:

    Never talk like you talk to the fellas in front of the ladies.

    Same goes for ladies.

    Don't talk like yall talk to your girls in front of dudes.

    Cause both sexes do waaaay too much stuntin when talkin to friends. All dat jump off talk and I could smash is just how niggaz talk to one another. Yall ladies takin da shit seriously.

    Knowin yall do the same stuntin, "I can make dat nigga do dis or dat," type talkin wit your girls.

    A pox on all yall bammas 🙂

  20. My two cents:

    I agree w/ Miss V…I'd introduce him to her if he asked, but I'll take it a step further and say that he is actually obligated to introduce them IF that's really his mans like that. Not for the smashing aspect, but for the simple fact that your man is venturing into a new city and doesnt know anyone. If you flip the situation and the only person you knew in Miami was a guy and your homie is moving out there, as a friend you should look out and introduce them so he can show your friend around town. At the end of the day(it's dark), just an introduction doesnt mean all systems go.

  21. I think this guy is being stingy and might be assuming too much. Worst case scenario would be he really can't get none from this girl and CBs his friend for no good reason.

    I say he gives the full fledged assist. If he fails to take it to the whole, the ball will still be on the ground for him to dunk.

  22. Great post Doc..This guy needs to introduce his friend. If he so badly wants to smash then he should take a trip to MIA and pray that he is blessed with some good poom poom..He's not obligated to make the connection, but in this world of networking…it doesn't hurt to do the introduction..If this female is willing to let him in, then it will happen…

  23. It aint no fun if the homies cant have none. Pass that p*ssy like a paton good brother.

    A lot of the women who have commented above have probably been 'passed' off to men, and they didnt realize it then and will never know. BUT, passing the p*ssy paton is not always about the p*ussy iteself. Sometimes, you might know a fly azz chick (body, education, mind-frame, morals) that you might want to get at yourself, but you quickly realize that you may not be what her taste buds are yearning for. But you do have a 6'2, in shape, lawyer or executive type friend who is exactly what she is looking for (generic, superficial example I know, but it articulates my point) You tell him to show up at a bar or a get together, you orchestrate the introductions and 7 years later, they (the girl and your homie) fall in love, get married have a house, cars and 2 or 3 beautiful kids.

    "Passing" women in most cases is about the p*ssy. But in some cases, it can be the best thing to ever happen to the two parties involved.

  24. Read the book called The Fisherman and the Catch: Catching the Right Woman. The book is about men catching thier soulmate. The book talks about men getting thier "tackle box" together in order to catch the right fish for them. The book uses fishing analogies relating to tools men need for that catch, while describing women with the same similarities as fish. As an example the book talks about Panfish, Trout, Catfish and Bass using the behaviors of those fish and relating them to types of women. The book is so true and very hilarious. It's the playbook on ensuring that men, who is the Fisherman catch the right women, who is the fish, for them. The book is a keeper! and you can get it on Amazon.com and Barnesandnoble.com

  25. i think you should introduce them and then see what plays out….1) she's been thinkiin about doin you just like you been thinkin about doin her so she blows him off cause there is a chance he might give you the details!

    2) she feelin you but because you introduced her to a friend she thinks the thought hasnt crossed your mind so she does to him what you should have let her do to you and watches for sighns that he told you the next time the two of you hang out……..:) a woman will be a woman.


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