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Why I Will Never Play Matchmaker Again!


Me: What’s up?
Miss Esquire: What’s up with your boy J?
Me: What do you mean?
Miss Esq.: Your boy that you introduced me to at Pranna?
Me: Oh you mean Mike?
Miss Esq.: Yeah, he call himself being slick. He invited me out to the movies and can you believe that he decided to stop at the liquor store before going into the theatre to get drinks?

From time to time our single friends will be interested in another one of our friends and we will do a introduction. Well, I’ve decided to stop doing that because I’ve become increasingly concerned with some men’s dating etiquette and overall behavior. Your referral is a reflection on you and when you refer someone you are giving them the stamp of approval, however, these days that approval is not going far. I have come to grips with the fact that not all men are created equal. Some men and women are supposed to be single. Some men and women have some issues that they need to work on before you put your reputation on the line to get them a date.

I’ve always been surprised when I hear stories about the way my friends kick game or something a home girl of mine does on a date. I love my peoples to death, but you got to call a spade a spade. I thought about writing this piece because someone told me in response to my blog about how women defend each other to the death, that men do it too. And she was right, they do, but I don’t. Listen when my home girl hit me up about my boy breaking out the $2 Smirnoff bottles at the movies, I couldn’t defend him at all. I was like, that guy is a loser, don’t go out with him again, I apologize. Vice versa, I’ve had my boys call me up and berate me, “J, son, that chick you introduced me to is crazy. You know she showed up at my job?!” I can’t defend those types of actions. But where are people learning these things? Why are some people are born with dating skills and others aren’t?

I’ve come to the conclusion that some men are single for a reason. I had a boy, a really good friend of mine, who was single. The women whom he dated were typically gold digging women and he was looking for something more serious and substantive, so I introduced him to a friend. My friend reported back to me, “J, your friend is a good look, but can I be honest with you? He’s completely hooked on himself. Everything is my portfolio this, my MBA cohort classmates, I have to get the Mercedes detailed, like seriously J, who cares?” I tried talking to my friend about this over drinks one day and he told me, “Listen, a woman says she wants a successful man, well that’s what successful men talk about. You can’t win with them.” He obviously didn’t get it.

See Also:  The Claim Game

I’ve come to the conclusion that some women are single for a reason. I introduced one of my boys to a good female friend of mine and imagine my surprise when I get this gchat.

Me: what’s good fam?
G: Son, you’re a horrible wing man.
Me: really now?
G: Why didn’t you tell me that chick was a virgin?
Me: Wait, she’s a virgin?
G: Yep, she said she’s saving it for marriage.
Me: Wait a minute, but you guys only went out on one date, how did you find this out?
G: She told me in the first five minutes, “I hope you aren’t trying to have sex with me because I am saving it for marriage.”

I don’t know how many times I tell women that it is perfectly okay to save it for marriage or for a substantial relationship before giving up the forbidden fruit, but you do not want to talk about what you will and won’t do on the first date. (I must add, this girl exacerbated the problem because she wasn’t a virgin, she had just met a few guys who hadn’t been genuine and it led her to not want to have sex again until marriage so she would know it was the right guy. Wondering what’s wrong with that? Yeah, the fact that this dude is thinking to himself, wait all the ain’t sh*t negros could hit, but I’m about something and I can’t hit, this is BS.)

See Also:  How Leaked Nudes Have Changed The Game For The Worse

So to be honest with you in all of this, I’ve realized that I know my friends as my friends, not romantically. So I really don’t know how they approach dating. And because of this and the fact that I truly believe that most people are just hot messes, I no longer play matchmaker.

While I’m on the subject let me tell you one last story about a 27 year old man and a 25 year old woman. My boy takes out this girl I introduced him to, she was new in town and went to school in the Northeast. She raves about the date, dude took her to a nice restaurant, opened doors, picked her up, was a real gentleman, did all the right things a guy could ask and they set up time for another follow-up date. My boy was like, “yeah shorty is cool, but she seems to be the wifey type and she’s a little up tight, but we’ll see what happens.” A couple weeks go by, in fact, less than THREE weeks go by and the chick hits me up, “OMG Jay, your boy is officially wrapped. After we went to this show downtown we go back to his place and you know I mention that I need to go home and I have told him repeatedly I was not trying to have sex if I wasn’t in a relationship, do you know what he did? He went in the kitchen and said let’s have a couple shots, and before I know it he whipped his D*CK out!” My response, “Wow, I thought we stopped doing that once we got out of… not never.” So I asked my boy and he said, “Son, to be honest, I can’t be with a chick for longer than 3 weeks or 3 dates and not smash, so it was like this is our last date anyway if we not smashing tonight.” To this day every time I see him, I shake my head and I would never introduce him to another chick ever again.

See Also:  Dr. J, How would you classify my friend?

Now a few of you have some stories too, please tell me Dr. J isn’t the only one who has some single friends.


  1. Most of my male friends are whores and have no interest in real relationships so I generally hide my female friends away from them. I lie and act like it's just bad timing that they never meet but yeah… I'm hidin' 'em lol!

    There is however this one kid who's like family to me. He's a really good dude he's just… well… he can be a bit over zealous. Okay… he's a poon hound. There's no way around it. He's got some good intentions and would like to settle down with someone but he pounces too quick and usually ends up scaring women off. He's got a lot of family responsibilities that take away from his social life so he understandably tries to make the most out of every opportunity but he does it with poor form. The first two women introduced him to went running for the hills. He comes over to my house for a get together and I introduce him to my homegirl. I step out to run to the corner store to get some ice and I come back and this is giving her a "shoulder massage". He's got a grin going ear to ear and she's sitting with her back to him looking at me like H-E-L-P M-E! Next he asks to be setup w/ my besty. I KNEW this was a bad look, but he insisted, so I told him when would be a good time "happen" to drop by my crib and offer to take us to lunch. Same thing goes down. He's all "you're so cute!" and handsy with her. I already know she issues with personal space and I got cussed out later on but I figured she got a free lunch, he got the holla opportunity… everybody's even #kanyeshrug

    As a last ditch effort I introduced him to my girl who's, well… loose. I hate saying it but she is. She dates random off brand dudes who are super wack and I figure while he's a handful, he's a much better look. While she has issues wearing her goodies heart on her sleeve, she's got her own (house, car, job, hair), and is a much better look than the hood-ass chicks he normally dates. I have him drop me off at her place one afternoon and she chatted him up and actually seemed like she'd give him some play. He calls me later and goes "um… he ass isn't as big as you said and is she just having a breakout, her skin was kinda just okay)". I was so heated. Like seriously her ass is that big and in fact she was having a bit of a break out, but this kid is 5' 6" and lacks perfection. Two days later he hits me up and on second thought he wants to holla. HELLLLLL NO! Not after you dogged her out to me on the phone. I'm not gonna co-sign you "settling" for my girl. BOOOOO!

    Oh, and cause I know you're wondering… He's only ever volunteered to hook me up with one person. He tells me I should holla at his frat. I go to this kids facebook page and he has a PERM! A PERM!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!?!?!? WTF?!

    1. I think we all have friends like this. My mans met this chick and within the first 30 mins was telling her how beautiful and smart and intelligent and driven she was. I happened to be standing there and the chick told us "You're right, I am all of that but I met you 30 mins ago, how could you possibly know all of that about me?"

  2. It's funny how as a friend the man or woman seem fine, but you never know how the person is to the opposite sex because we only get their version of why one of their previous relationships went wrong. To play it safe, I just don't do it anymore because my sweet friend might be a psycho in a relationship.

  3. I'm totally with you on this one. My male friends are amazing human beings in relation to me, but they are spectacular assholes in their dealings with women. I can't co-sign their behaviour, so I just spare my girls from their antics. Just makes my life easier.

  4. @J – Pranna is a terrible club.

    But on to another note, I dont "hook" ppl up. I'll bring you to the water but you gotta drink.

  5. "Some men and women have some issues that they need to work on before you put your reputation on the line to get them a date."

    – this was actually one of the litmus tests that was discussed in bible study yesterday in regards if a person is relationship ready. not everyone is ready to be pursuing others and not everyone is ready to be pursued. people need to be real with themselves and work on what they need to work on before they bring other people into their madness.

    i've played matchmaker a couple times. i think i would still do it but i would have to know your track history of dating. i just don't go setting people up just because. if one of my boys asks about one of my homegirls and said dude has questionable behavior, i'll tell him that he has to get at her on his own. *shrugs*

    i can't believe dude actually whipped out. what did he expect her to do? just go with the flow and drop to her knees? does that actually work? i've heard of other dudes who have done that. like what do you do when she gets up and walks away. you are just sitting there like an ass with your dick in your hand. smh.

    1. *snickers*

      Well, if he's already in the kitchen with his junk in his hand he can slide over to that veggie oil and work it out for himself.

      Seriously though, I would take the sudden appearance of a man's previously unmentioned dyck on the 3rd date to be an assault. He better be able to whip it back in faster than I can grab whatever weapons might also be laying around the kitchen. o_O

    2. I had a dude whip it out in a car. We were in the parking lot of a spot after dinner. I grabbed the door and opened it and got my ass out. I walked back into the spot and called the largest Black man I knew to come get me. A very good friend of mine. Mr. Whip-Out came in apologizing. Stood there doing it for a while. My boy rolled in, reached around dude, and literally removed me from the situation. A year later, dude called like it NEVER happened.

    3. @Tunde – bringing up bible study…. somebody get this man some poon chips…

      You'd be surprised at dudes who just pull it out, it's so crazy.

  6. I'll make an introduction, but I'm not referring anyone at this point. I think it works much better to just put 2 people in the same place at the same time and if the chemistry is there they'll exchange numbers. iCan't with setting people up on blind dates – I've been on enough (at the hands of my mom, no less) to put someone else through it.

    Speaking of referrals, the trend I've seen lately is people needing it for a job not a date. *sigh* The same issues pop up, though – I want to recommend you to my girl over in recruiting, but I also don't want you messing with my rep. And I've already referred one person for a job and they showed their azz. Don't people understand that you have some responsibility when you get a hook-up to not look/act. a fool? Dangit!

  7. I almost forwarded this to someone who matched me up with a friend of theirs. This guy was not the goodness. They had no idea. when it was all said and done, I told them why we stopped seeing each other. This was months after. Well, he hadn't told them we weren't seeing each other anymore. He'd been telling them things were going VERY fine between us. Da fug? They apologized over and over again and wanted to know why I hadn't told them what was going on before. I didn't tell them because I didn't feel like they are his parents. He was behaving like an ass because he was an ass. There's nothing they could do about that.

    1. People just have no idea. Chances are if your friends are desperate enough to need someone to hook them up, then that should tell you something about them.

      However, now there are sites like eHarmony and Match. So there's nobody to give a recommendation on these freaks. #seewhatididthere

  8. My best male friend and I played matchmaker with friends of ours. It didn't work out, but we both stated that we WERE NOT responsible for ANY behaviors, outcomes, etc. We gave them each other's numbers and it was up to them. I would do it again if I knew some good dudes like that, but I don't. I think you have to put a disclaimer out there that you're not responsible when you hook people up, LOL. Also, sometimes I think if it's feasible, the two people should meet in a group setting or something, so they can observe/talk to each other without the pressure, but I digress.

    1. Of course they do. For me personally, I can't deal with childish whip it out action dudes. I live by a credo, do not be found in circles with people whom you have nothing in common with.

  9. I'd say this extends beyond playing matchmaker…so often friends have no understanding of the importance of 'respecting the hustle.'That goes professionally, academically, etc. I've helped out lots of brothers giving them advice or after they beg, setting them up with someone who would advance their career. After that, I then hear that they do or say something so beyond stupid that I have to explain their actions. (and of course it ruins the friendship and I stop answering future requests for help)

    Tehre's a simple rule here: if you get setup, don't do anything that would cause your other friend more grief–why punish someone for hooking you up? These examples show that too often people are selfish enough to want help, but too selfish to care about how it reflects on the one who set them up when they act a fool.

  10. My best friend's boyfriend wanted to introduce me to one of his boys. We had brunch for a first date and it went well. He then offerred to make me dinner for a second date. I knew he was hoping to get some but I thought it would be nice to see his place and if he indeed actually cooked but he wasn't getting any. I show up and he's not even there. He calls and is running 20 minutes late cuz he's running around with his friends. (Red flag number 1) He finally gets there but then I have to prompt him about dinner. (Red flag number 2) He offers Bagel Bites or Hot Pockets (HUGE red flag number 3) for dinner. I'm so flabergasted that I actually stay to see what the heck this dude is about because its amusing. He goes to get some take out and when he comes back, spends the next 30 minutes solid on the phone in the other room with the door shut. ([email protected] it…there's nothing but red flags at this point) Then he offers up some lame excuse that he needs to run his cousin some tool for his maintenance building and proceeds to leave me alone in his house for over 40 minutes. I left and decided to give him the curtesy of a call, despite his lack of curtesy to me, and this dude has the audacity to be pissed that I left.

    Needless to say, I never will take my friend's boyfriend up on any more introduction offers.

    1. I guess you stayed through so much He may have thought you were feeling him lol

      But on the real That whole friend hook up thing is suspect Its hard enough to meet people than to be forced into a situation where Your both thinking Can I like this person?

  11. Stories, eh? I've got way too many stories. One of my best friends apologizes to this day for introducing me to someone that I almost had to file a restraining order against, but I keep reminding her that she had nothing to do with his insanity. Another instance: one of my male friends was "taking a break" from his girlfriend and was just looking for something to quench his thirst. He wanted me to hook him up with one of my female associates and I told him "I love you but you are NOT ready!" because he clearly didn't notice that she was not into him (i.e.- ignoring him). Also, he was Carl Thomas emotional at the time so I told him to regroup. He pouted and got back together with his girlfriend within a weeks time anyway.

    Being a "matchmaker" or being the matchmaker's client requires levels of honesty and straight-forwardness that many people aren't prepared to deal with. If these "matches gone wrong" were to change/hurt the dynamics of my friendship with both parties, I must say we weren't friends to begin with. If you, as a friend, don't have the intellectual capacity to understand that I am not the glue to your bond with your special interest, then we can't be friends.

  12. I've never played matchmaker. However, I've been hooked up before.

    Two years ago my BFF met this guy through her soror and decided to hook us up. She mentioned him a couple times but I wasn't for it. From his pics, he seemed like a nice guy, but something about him didn't grab me ut of my seat. One night after a couple of my friends attended his Frats party, they told me that there needed to be an introduction. The next day I met him at a movie night at his friends place. He was so handsome in person and quiet. I was just like, "damn Lotus get on it". We started talking after that. He was a nice guy to everyone but me. When I would tell my friends the crazy isht that he would do, they would say "nah stop exaggerating Lotus". I thought that he was cocky and my friends said he wasn't the cocky type. They said that XX was shy and afriad to approach new ppl. I got into it a couple times with him, and my friends told me that I triggered it. Like I just did not understand what was happening because my friends are usually willing to take my side after I prove my point. Then one day my BFF was talking to one of his Frat brothers and then she mentioned my guy. His bro basically told my bff that this guy was just straightup weird. Apparently he has a split personality (smh). Till this day, I think that I'm the only one that truly knows how this guy can switchup his personality. The final analysis of his behavior is that he does have low self-esteem, and being in a frat boosted it. He did not know how to communicate with me, and when I came off as "aggressive" to him, he felt the need to protect himself which is why he switched up.After my graduation, we had a conversation. This dude told me that I basically had the ball in my court, but he wanted me to "work" for him because he thinks that females should put in effort. He's a "good black man" and hardwork is required to have him under my belt. Then he said, that my friends and I have many options, and he didn't think that he was a big deal to me. Then he's like "seriously, what's good though"?

    Seriously, I am allergic to bs, and didn't want to have a reaction. I switched the topic after that question. When he asked it again.. I told him that we are good as friends. I don't want to ever be hooked up again.

    1. He sounds like a retarded Clark Kent with that split personality mess. "Work for him"? Were you on the plantation? I thought getting to know one another on a romantic tip was a mutual thing? Uhg, I wish some of these cats would stop confusing "good 'n black" with "good black man" because he CLEARLY didn't realize that his actions did not coincide with his words. We've got to champion for more funding for mental health services because people have pure mind trash! iCan't.

      But that is so sad that your friends doubted you. I would be giving my friends that mean side-eye for their poor observational skills.

  13. On the flip side of this issue, I hate it when friends try to block your attempt to holla at their friend. A few yrs back I wanted to holla at my boy's BFF. I had hung out with them both on an almost weekly basis at one point but dude always had a girl and was also "saving himself" and well… I'm not into deflowering so though he was my type, I had never really considered him. So a few years down the line my boy got engaged so we weren't hanging out as much but his fiance threw this party at their house so I came threw. His boy was there and started chatting me up. He had recently broke up w/ his girl and decided he wanted to sew his oats. He was being extra flirtatious any my friend noticed, so he comes over and starts throwing all types of salt in this kids game. Going on about how he's been out hoeing and "dropin off the D in bitches drawers"… Yeah, he went there. So I ignored him. I wasn't trying to date but I was open to hanging out and maybe seeing it hang out. End of the night his boy offers me a ride home… This one is like "OH NO! I'll take you home!" We are like a good 45mins out from my place and his boy was headed my way. Why u hatin?

    Later that week I decided to hook myself up, so I called the fiancé and asked for this kid's email addy… Two days later I get this long email from my boy saying that he wanted to apologize to me in behalf of his boy, that he wasn't trying to holla and that I must have misunderstood, he's just really friendly and he is sorry for any confusion…

    I was SO pissed. First, if your boy isn't interested let him tell me. Second, don't talke like I haven't known dude for 4 years. He has never been in my face like that. I know a holla when it's offered and you wouldn't have run so much interference if I was so off base. I found out later that he and his fiancé really wanted dude to get back w/ his ex. They also didn't want me to become a rebound. While I appreciate their concern I'm an adult let me do me or him if I want to

    You can cosign or not, matchmake or not, don't meddle and play puss/peen police.

  14. Ok, I need advice!

    I'm not having sex outside of marriage anymore and since I haven't been dating there has been no opportunity to tell a guy that I'm interested in that I wont have sex with him.

    Sooooo, how long should I date a guy before telling him that I don't have sex outside of marriage anymore?

    1. If he likes you, then he will wait. It gets tricky though because sometimes as a guy (wait, girls do that too), we will wait for the one we like while having the jump off take care of our carnal desires in the meantime. You don't want to have to deal with that for the years it may take before you get engaged/married. So I feel at the point (not during) when you begin getting intimate with someone (kissing & such) you should bring it up in conversation…because once kissing starts people naturally expect sex after. You should be able to cut off any unwanted advances by providing clarity when things start becoming physical.

  15. My crew leaves by a code, that I can not break or speak about.

    All I can say is.. nothing but family and ex's are off limits.

    I know my friends are dogs, but they are also good looking, smart, and educated …

    my girl's friends are a tad 'eager' for some men. They don't want to be jumpoffs… but jumpoffs is what my boys will turn them into.

  16. This blog is awesome lol..

    @Jamila & Radio: Please do not wait until "the moment" to bring up that conversation. That can drive me someone nuts! If you are 100% certain about continuing your single life without sex at all you should use suggestive language during the dating period until you are comfortable to bring the topic BAM! No Sex! on the table with no disguise. (The sooner the better)

    Some may look at men/women who cannot have successful relationships without physical interaction as immature or misguided, however, some folks just enjoy sex are simply different. Although they may be willing to settle down, be serious, monogamous and faithful – NO SEX sucks can be a deal breaker.

    My sad story follows… and this happened recently hence my forthcoming bitterness

    So, I've know this wretched girl for about 5 years She's my homegirl from H.S.'s best friend from college a good friend of a good friend. She's smart, accomplished, cute and fun to be around. So, i've thrown myself openly flirted with this chick for the entire time I've known her but never actually pursued the kill romance since I knew she wasn't givin it up was a little on the conservative side sexually…Until recently! Given some new information, I figured it would be worth it to see how things play out. So after chatting her up OPENLY EXPRESSING MY INTENT ON HITTING IT and hanging out with her a few times still playing it safe by not coming on strong at all I invite her to my crib thinking maybe she's ready! mind you she's 24 years old! and she straight up stuck to the edge of the bed, kept all of her clothes on, giggled and squirmed when I made a move more than once… the childish things she said (while laughing) Stop, you're being fresh need not be mentioned, BUT I WAS F_ckin pissed very disappointed and made inappropriate comments until she decided to leave it clear that I no longer wanted to spend time with her that day. The following two days, she sent me text messages like if nothing happened…no pun intended to say "what's up" and I completely ignored both messages which should be obvious..

    The point is no one should be caught in that kind of situation on either end. So please be upfront about your lack of intentions before you piss someone off mislead someone else.


  17. I am reading this post at the end of a very long day and it really was the laugh I needed. I personally do not play match maker because, I know that although my friends are great "friends" as you said, a lot of people lean to the "Hot Mess" side of the aisle when it comes to relationships. I look at one of my exes who is so beloved on Facebook and has a million friends and I think to myself, if they only knew how this fool conducts himself in private. He is certainlyu one that needs to remain single.

  18. Well, I've learned to look at who my friends date – and expect "hookups" of equal (if you're "lucky") or lesser quality. Your female friends will not introduce you to a man that is better than the one they are with (if they even have one at all). I had a former best friend who knew the types of guys that I dated….she was into the whole broke-pretty-boy-meets-street-thug persona. All of the men were somewhat nice underacheivers that didn't bring as much to the table as she did overall (in my opinion). Meanwhile, I only seriously date men that I wouldn't be embarrassed to bring home to my parents, as I tend to gear towards serious relationships.

    Anyhow – she kept selling me on her "cute cousin" who "I have a lot in common with." I see a pic, and sure enough, the guy is cute. So I agree to a date with him. After all, if he's related to her, he is as on point as she is, right? WRONG. Let me tell you: this dude was the NEXT level. He offers to pick me up from my friend's apartment as I was spending the week with her. After we've exchanged pleasantries and we are ready to leave, he then informs me that "his friend dropped him off" and I'll have to drive. Really! No car? At the age of 31? Where I live – that is NOT acceptable! He's lucky that I didn't kick him out of my car. On the drive, he proceeds to try to smoke a blunt in my car – which I quickly shut down. (Mental note: since WHEN is weed smoking assumed to be normal?!?!? I've never tried it and was really offended). He decides that he has a craving for "diner food." We get there, and then I'm informed about his child and "his son's crazy mother" and how "he's done with hoes." And of course, you guessed it, he was unemployed (this was pre-recession). If it weren't for the fact that the girl was my ace for a long time, I would've just left him there. Instead I executed my escape plan and dropped him off.

    I was quite angry with her for awhile, but I learned from that experience. I started to take a close look at how she chose to live her life. My other friends and family had been telling me for years to just walk away from her, and this was the catalyst that finally set the wheels in motion. Iron sharpens iron, and so I decided to trim my social circle to friends that I actually had values / goals / interests in common with. I've never regretted my decision.


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