Home Dating & Relationships Rules of Engagement What the Eff is Your Problem?!

What the Eff is Your Problem?!

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This m*thaf*cka has some nerve...

The following is a scenario that took place between Shemar and Bernadette over the phone. It is important to note that these 2 have been “talking” for a couple months now. One day, Shemar is driving from Boston to New York and decides to call Bernadette since he hasn’t spoken to her in a couple weeks and since nobody else seems to be answering their phone, though they have exchanged text pleasantries. Little does Shemar know that he’s about to get a headache…**Law & Order sound**

Shemar: Hey, what’s up?
Bernadette: Hey…
Shemar: Everything okay?
Bernadette: Yep. **Silence ensues**
Shemar: Whatchu up to this weekend?
Bernadette: Wow. Really? How you gonna just call me and act like we been talkin’ every day?
Shemar: Have we not been exchanging messages?
Bernadette: I said “talk”. It’s like everything was going well and then you just disappeared.
Shemar: Yo. I told you I been mad busy. Why are you wildin’ out?
Bernadette: Last I heard from you, we were supposed to be makin’ plans. Then out of no where you go AWOL ‘cept for a few text messages. What’s the deal?
Shemar: I really haven’t had time to hit you up. My bad. Didn’t think it was that crucial. Damn, I thought sh*t was cool. **Head (not that one) begins to throb** What the eff is your problem?
Bernadette: **Steam shoots out of Bernadette’s ears and a small locomotive sound can be heard.** You are!

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Sound familiar? Come on! You know it does. Whether you’re XX or XY, you’ve probably had some variation of this conversation happen at some point in your life. You’re talking to or dating someone and things are going pretty well. You think things are headed in a positive direction and you’re feeling quite optimistic, then the other person drops off the map for a bit then reappears like they never left. Whichever side you’re on, it’s pretty damn annoying and/or frustrating.



I’ve been Shemar Moore. I may not make panties moist look like him, but I’ve been that guy incurring the wrath of some girl and/or woman because I was preoccupied for some period of time and really didn’t have the bandwidth to play cuddly wuddlies or pick up the phone and have a conversation. I’d go along thinking everything was peachy and that the other person was just as busy as me, then find out that it was quite the opposite. Or, maybe they were just as busy but they wanted me to show more signs of interest than my occasional message or email that repeatedly hinted at my involvement in other affairs. No, not THOSE type of fairs.

Have I played the other role? Have I been an angry Bernie? Not under these circumstances. If things were going well with a woman and she disappeared out of the blue and then just hit me up like things were normal, I wouldn’t trip at first. On the other hand, if she started making up preposterous stories about where she had been and who what she had been up to, that’s a different story—particularly if we’re in an actual relationship. At that point, I’m a bit more likely to ask a few coy questions and then make a rational judgment call. If we’re just casually dating, I really don’t have a reason to get angry or frustrated. **shrugs**

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What about the ladies out there? Do you find yourself getting frustrated like Bernadette? If you’re just talking to a guy and he goes off the map for a bit then returns like things are cool, is that a problem for you? Is there a number of days before you flip the eff out? For the fellas, have you been the Shemar or have you been on the reverse side and had to check a chick for this? And for folks in general, how much does the “title” affect the right to be angry in this type of situation?

Here today. On 3 Ways tomorrow,

Comment(118)

  1. Good Post. I played both ends of the spectrum but right now I feel as though I'm Bernie. Sometimes you don't want to be angry at that them but when you talk to that person everyday and then all of sudden nothing but texts it's hard not look at the situation o_O. But then I start to realize I can't get mad because we are of course just talking and as of right now it's not that serious. Sigh…. lol.

  2. Arrrrgggghhhhhh!

    I know that scene all too well. I relate to Bernadette so much so, that I've just become upset all over again.

    Thank you, Mr. Jackson…

    thank you.

    *stomps away*

  3. oh yes I know that scene as well….I mean if we're "talking" and have been communicating over txt…maybe something should've been said over txt that hinted to the fact that Shemar had been busy…..but hey maybe you caught her at the wrong time of the month…lol.

  4. It's been my personal experience that when a man goes from calling everyday to simply texting, he's already decided that he'd prefer not to have a relationship. He sends the occasional text message just to keep the lines of communication open for those lonely nights when, as you put it, "nobody else seems to be answering their phone". It is very frustrating when this happens, but at this point in my life, I recognize it for what it is. I don't get angry, I simply don't pick up the phone. The problem with most women is that they ignore these red flags. When a man exhibits this type of behavior, he isn't interested anymore.

  5. I only have a problem when the guy has a pattern of calling/texting me every day and then in mid-stream he decides to stop doing and then pops back up out of the blue. Why send out the mixed signals. Yes, people get busy–I know I do, but if even with your busy schedule you had time to call/text before then why all of a sudden you're slowing down.

    Best thing to do–don't start something you're not going to keep up or else a red flag goes up–did you start losing interest; is there someone else now vying for your attention, etc.

  6. Good post!! I just went thru a similar convo w/ a guy. I didn't flip out, but I felt some type of way about it. I had to take a step back and put things in perspective…he's not my man, so I really couldn't trip.

  7. I prolly didn't convey this well in the post, but the dude in the sceanrio hadn't really lost interest. And when I've been screamed on, I hadn't really lost interest. Heads were just preoccupied with other things. Then again, that's just me and Shemar.lol.

    1. I personally find it hard to believe that a guy who hasn't lost interest in me even a little bit can't find time to call, even if it's for a few minutes. People make time for what they want to make time for, and if the guy isn't being consistent in keeping in touch, then he needs to check where he's really at. It's okay to be preoccupied in other things, but that just shows that the I'm just not a priority in their life at the moment.

    2. If you "have" interest then "show" interest. If dude doesn't, then out of sight out of mind. There are other guys who will, so I keep it movin' if you don't. I can't see myself flipping out on a guy over something like this because if he disappears, then he is consequently erased from my mind as well. :phone rings, presses ignore: Bye boy!

  8. Interesting post- I agree.
    I think the problem is the drastic change in behavior on the part of the guy. It's one thing if he's been distant or only texting/casual convo from the get-go. If it's been that way from the start, okay then- cool- what the eff is her problem? I agree.
    But to heavily pursue, or to give vibes you're you're into someone and then suddenly back off without warning…it only causes the woman to ponder about why- did he meet someone else?- is he not into me because of something I said?etc…
    He should just be up front and honest. Because the truth of the matter is- what's really going on in his head is probably not nearly as bad as the scenarios she's gonna be playing in hers.

    I think a guy would feel the same way if the shoe was on the other foot. I've had it happen. I've had men get pissed at me for not showing as much interest etc..and then I realize that I need to just be up front and say that I'm not really feelin the relationship- or that I don't really see us having more than a friendship. Then it's cool. (eventually anyway)

    I don't think anybody wants to be used- or kept on the back burner so they can serve as a potential booty call/attention provider in the future.

  9. Good points Miss Alaska. When you get used to a guy calling/texting or visiting on a regular basis you begin to expect that. So when you decide to drop off the face off the earth because other "heads" were busy well maybe you should rethink that> it could possibly be sending the woman the message that you are no longer interested or that u deaded her. No woman wants to feel like they are on the back burner and you only keep them around for the possibility of future sex, Bc after dudes have been m>i>a they tend to come back strong

  10. Love this post! I had a very similar conversation just last night. Although in my case I was dealing with a 3-week disappearance with not even a text message. But unlike Bernadette I didn't scream, I just let him know that busy can only carry you so far and he was way past that point. Then I think I said "I don't see how you could possibly think there was anything still going on here".

    I agree with all the commenters who say that it's not the absence that's the issue, but the abrupt change in pattern. It makes women nervous and makes them feel like they've been rejected. But I never understood the logic behind screaming about it…I can't see how that would accomplish anything.

  11. I like how all the woman are weighing in, on "Bernadette's side". It's interesting how the benefit of the doubt is not given to the man, in this situation Shemar, in many other situations ME. Girl didn't even ask or wonder what was going on in boy's life that had him busy or preoccupied, she was just upset that she wasn't part of it. Maybe he got into a car accident, maybe he was ending it with his ex to dedicate all his time to you, or had to leave town for a funeral, maybe he was in I mean with someone else.

    I suggest the ladies do either one of these two things, either don't get upset (since you're just talking) or shrugg it off and see how things are in the future, is this a regular pattern or has it happend more than once (then move on). Spazzing out is just going to make dude kick himself for calling you after all this time and realize that he was right to put you on the backburner in the first place cause "you crazy".

    I'm jus sayin.

    1. Good point Cally. Its one thing to "dig in a nigga's azz" for not calling but if you do not even make an attempt to inquire as to why he has been M.I.A., your behavior says a lot of you and your potential to "spazz" out in the future without proper investigation.

      Women, especially black women, can get a lot farther by not "spazzing out". We expect you to spazz out, which is sometimes why we stall even farther because we know that we 'go some es-splaining to do'. We realize when we have not called you and have been sending texts instead, but if when we do call you and you got about "digging in out ass" in a sarcastic but poised way, it makes us feel bad for not calling.

  12. Nope. If we're just talking, we're just talking. I know better that to pass the "talking" stage by myself. I've been on both sides, an email here and there a text, here and there…we're cool. We're not in a relationship.

  13. This is the problem men, you think you can just go off and be busy and then come back and we are supposed to have been waiting around. While you are being busy, other men are pursuing us, dates are being accepted, we are conversing with other men….and life is moving on….you come back and then the woman you are still supposed to be showing interest in has moved on and you have been overlooked…..women, like to be pursued, you can't just stop pursuing us mid-stream and expect us to know what is what…..If you are interested in pursuing a woman be consistent…..remember, there is always another man out there ready and waiting to take your spot…..Oh, and men, if you stop calling for awhile we are going to think you have lost interest pure and simple…a man wrote a book awhile back called "He Is Just Not That Into You"….he says, if a man does not call or slacks up don't believe the hype about being busy….he just isn't that into YOU. I firmly, believe that…and aboout giving Shemar the benefit of the doubt…Why? Stay on top of your game Shemar and you won't have any worries……

  14. I know this isn't going to be a popular response, but what the heck. I am a woman and I don't take Bernadette's side. Of course, I can see why she's upset, because I've been on that end before but I've learned something valuable from it. There's no use getting angry at him, even if he IS wrong.

    You want the guy to decide on his own that he wants to be with you or not… getting angry just pushes him away, especially if you're not already in a relationship. If a guy liked you a lot too early on, and got whiny or pissy about you not calling everyday… you'd be turned off, right?

    If you get angry it makes the guy think that a) you're too controlling, b) you have too much time on your hands, or c) both. It also shows that you're too invested in him too early on, and that's not necessarily a good thing. Whether he's right or not is irrelevant… the guy is going to think what he wants.

    I find that when I give a guy his space, and he decides for himself whether he wants to get with me or not, I'm better off. Of course you need to be careful of guys who are just out to fool around, but again I find that when you act unaffected by his actions, he either gets bored with you quickly (effectively weeding himself out with no energy on your part) or he decides you're worth it (because you kept your cool) and genuinely pursues you. I think it's worth it to give the guy the benefit of the doubt, and continue to be pleasant, but if he doesn't meet up to your expectations… just move on without getting pissed. It is what it is. Not every guy is going to like you, nor do you WANT every guy to like you. And things don't always happen in a linear, predicatble manner. I know some great guys who I would have missed if let earlier misunderstandings get in the way.

    1. Very interesting response in deed. Well thought out and this shows Valerie's ability to use 'logic' to decipher the situation, versus acting strictly on her emotions.

      By the way, a woman with too much time on her hands is very unattractive, especially when she's dealing with a Guy who is multi-faceted: one who is educated, has hobbies and interests (outside of work and family) and has other things that he's into (fraternity activities, going to the gym, participating at church)..etc.

      1. A guy or girl with that much going on or so multi faceted should stay in the dating zone cause thats where he/ she will be kept

      2. KautiousNupe: "By the way, a woman with too much time on her hands is very unattractive, especially when she’s dealing with a Guy who is multi-faceted:"

        Comment of the day.

    2. EXACTLY!!! Trippin ain't pimpin!

      Blowing up is a completely irrational response 95% of the time that is going to result in you feeling like an a$$ and him now looking at you in a new, bright, unflattering light.

      It's amazing the reaction you get when you're calm about something a dude KNOWS he's dead wrong for. I can't count how many times a man has hit me with a "you're not mad… REALLY!?!?!… Come on I know you're upset, you can just say it, it's okay". Am I overjoyed by you being an ass… no. Am I gonna fall apart about it… no. If I see behavior I don't like, I point it out and make my expectations/feelings clear. Dude can either rock with it or not. If not, if we're just "talking", then I most likely won't be hurt. Sure I'll be disappointed, nobody ever wants things to just not work out., but I'm not gonna fall apart.

      Now if feelings are involved then I think you have to be careful to not play things too cool. I like to play my cards close to my chest but sometimes you gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. I've definitely regretted not throwing a fit once or twice. I felt like I gave the impression that I was "just not that into" a guy when I really was and later I regretted being so nonchalant about things.

      1. Ms. Cherry, I see your point about acting too nonchalant and missing an opportunity. I've had it happen to me, too. However, it's possible to show you're interested without throwing a fit (which reeks of insecurity to him, even if that's not what you intended). Yes, the guy is supposed to pursue you… but it doesn't hurt to initiate contact or initiate flirting even if you, as the woman, don't initiate it the majority of the time.

        I wouldn't want a guy that needs a hissy fit for him to 'get' that I'm interested or that he might potentially be interested in me. I mean none of us does, so what's the point of getting pissed? Now, THAT is the beginning of a lot of unnecessary drama if I'm already throwing fits with a guy I'm nowhere near exclusive with yet… it's indicative of the big communication problems that kills a lot of relationships.

  15. *waving my church fan* Omg. I was in this situation & he made me feel like I was the one who was crazy. Your abrupt change in pattern is what had me feeling like you changed your mind about what was happening between us. & changing your mind is completely okay, but can you let me know? Thanks.

    & Cally, I'm gonna have to disagree w/ you. I did ask what's going on his life. & if it was one of the options you gave… or something just as deep, why not share it w/ the person you've been talking to everyday for quite some time?

    I didn't scream like Bernie but I did "tell em how I felt" about his 2 week disappearance. And all he could come up w/ was… "I was busy." Busy? Are you serious? So to go from calls… every night, visits a couple times a week… to 2 texts in 2 weeks, you had to be REAL EFFIN BUSY. & to shrug something like that off, is a little difficult. Contrary to popular belief, I tried but the thought that he could just get up leave and not consider my feelings again were lingering. So I left…

    1. O… not to mention, once when this happened… I was visiting dude in his hometown. Like I came there for him, he disappeared on Saturday night — I was supposed to be leaving Sunday — never heard from him again. I left town not knowing what happened, but knowing he was still alive b/c he was updating his facebook, lol.

      This muhhfu**a had the nerve to email me 8 months later, talking bout… "what's up? long time, no hear."

        1. Lmao. It made me laugh by then too. We were in a whole new year. … the audacity of that man. I couldn't even believe it.

          & while I understand the ladies saying 'we shouldn't have a vested interest' in the suitor at this stage, who knows how long you've been in "this" stage. Some for a couple weeks, some for months… should isn't definite.

  16. all of this game playing is giving me a headache. say what you want, say what you mean, say how you feel…if i am perfectly honest and you disappear, when you re-appear i am just going to say "what's up? everything alright?" you seriously may have been busy and i have things to do too — but if you are full of s* and have just been juggling women and then suddenly decide that you want me on your "to do" list (literally) that will show itself too. so please, don't be offended when i tell you to f* off — after a while patterns show themselves for what they truly are.

  17. Well I've found myself in this situation before. Here was the problem in my situation. And I suspect in many situation. Remember Chris Rock talking about the "dick in a jar." That every women has a dude they are stringin along until they decide the time is right. Well sometimes ladies when you finally decide to break the glass on that jar you find out the dick is gone. lol

    In my situation me and this girl was best friends and I really liked her and all. But the whole time I know she is dating other guys. She really likes me but is not giving me that #1 slot. So boom, I move on and she doesn't hear from me for about three weeks. Then I see her and she goes off on me about "Where I been and blah blah blah. So I'm thinkin, "Ok all dis time I bein tryin to make things happen, bein your friend and shit and now you wanna go off like I'm your man."

    Now sometimes it's just a matter of some people needing more space than others. I like my space so I've learned over the years to not even date people that need calls twice a day and that shit. I only date girls that have their "own life." They generally don't get mad if I miss a week or two. Some girls want 24/7 attention which is fine. But not for me.

    1. Until you find someone You want to call everyday? Until your that interested you mean right? You just maybe have not found that one or just not ready for that one Yes your dating No one is too busy to show the person there into attention What women dosnt want attention Me wanting attention from a man who claims to be into me does not mean I dont have a life of my own Persuing a women is a job Just like your 9 to 5 If your late to many times Guess what? Maintaining a relationship is a job No there is no handbook But its common sence If you aint your job You better believe someone else will be very soon. And why would you even want to be with someone whos not showing interest anymore Keep it moving I know we as women need closure On everything But ladies sometimes its so not that serious You date a guy You see his behavior Its so patterened Its laid right out there for you a good month to 2 into dating Take it or leave it for what it is

  18. Valeria is so right , Why get upset at this stage. You should not be that vested emotionally. Even if you really like dude, it is too soon to tell if he measures up.

  19. Before I comment on my personal experience, I have a question for all the ladies. How long is too long between phone calls? Most of the comments so far aren't commenting on Slim's hypothetical example; women are talking about behavioral changes and loss of interest. In this case, it is rather obvious that 1. Shemar is still into Bernadette, 2. Shemar is truly busy, and 3. despite being busy, Shemar did at least text/e-mail every single day. So lack of communication and not feeling her anymore is not the issue in this example.

    So if a man is genuinely busy for whatever reason, how long is too long between phone calls?

    1. I think, after two weeks…it has been a bit too long. Alot can happen in a two week interval. I would like to add I am not in agreement about "Bernie" getting upset with "Shemar"…she should have played it cool. I would never have come off that way…..but, life will and does move on men…thats all Im saying. When you DO decide to call, just don't be surprised when life has moved on without YOU…..

    2. @ The hypothetical example

      Shemar needs to keep it moving Its not like he fell off the earth cause he was texting and email So there was a communication She may just be crazy lol

      @ Time frame A how about none, 0, nada

      If Shemar is genuinely to busy to call Say that Communicate that Lets Be Clear

      Not calling, no communication and no reaso given Until you do Is straight Bullshish

      Plain n Simple Red flag #1

      Then coming back at me like we good

      I aint ya boy Im the woman you claim to be interested in Red flag #2

      And if the 1st thing your saying is "Baby Im sorry I havent called you But………

      Boy you better be next uttering " was in a car accident and have been hospilized and just coming out of a coma"

      But its never that is it ladies? lol

      Genuinely busy for what ever reason ???? Man Kick Rocks Man kick effing rocks

      Ladies if hes not calling or nothing Take it for what it is

      wheather is its work, another woman, other women, a wife, a death in the family, he lost his phone

      there is no excuse No call No show

      Hes just not at that point with You that he feels the need to share this much of his life with you

  20. In all seriousness though.

    What in hell is Bernadette doing? I mean… I have a guy who's been trying to see me for TWO weeks. I call him when I can and he gets that I am busy. I cannot for the love of all things sacred and special understand why Bernie (a grown woman) would be upset at Shemar (a grown man) for getting his grind on and doing his thing. She's just being selfish and stupid which is even more evidenced by the fact that he DID text/e-mail daily. I mean what more can you want?

    1. Yep I agree. If he is not your man. You have nothing to complain about. If you want a dude to be available to you like that you have to make some type of commitment or let him know you feel. You can't play the "just a friend" role and then get mad like yall married.

    2. I don't mean any harm, but only texting and emailing doesn't fly with me. at all. 2 weeks okay I think I can get a phone call ONCE or TWICE in that period. if only its to try to meet up with equally busy people. I can understand not seeing someone in 2 weeks. truly I can…

      but I am not a fan of technology allowing courtship to be lazy. maybe he's just not that into her.

      I've been Bernie and I didn't spazz when I wanted to, only because by the time he called I was truly over him, I moved to an entire new state after not hearing from dude for like 4 mos. but don't come at me like we're homies and we're not. glad your life is going well., lets catch up on the basics, then *deuces*

    3. ehhhh… I'm not totally mad at Bernie. I think she's playing herself, but I do understand why she's upset. Bernie is getting played and she knows it. Slim said that Shemar is still interested but I'm a go ahead and jump to the conclusion that Shemar is still interested in hitting it, not getting with it. I saw that strike out " and since nobody else seems to be answering their phone"… I'm not something to do when you're bored and that's kinda how he's treatin Bernie. I wouldn't put up with that and neither should she. There's no need to wyle out about it but Shemar definite deserves a side-eye o_O and a "negro whateva!"

  21. I say communicate at least once a week. I am not one that wants a guy to call me every day or several times a day in the beginning.

  22. According to your story, Shemar was making the semi-long trip from Boston to New York and had nothing better to do (and, according to your post, "nobody else seems to be answering their phone") so THEN he calls Bernadette. The text part is irrelevant because texts are really just appetizers to the main course (i.e. more intimate forms of communication). The bottom line is he really isn't interested. I've been in her shoes before but I'm a pretty even-keeled person. Yes, something serious could have come up in his life, but chances are he's just using my company to pass the time. Survey says, the easiest way to get someone off your back about a long absence is to say you're busy. Bernadette should have taken his silence for what it's worth and keep it moving.

    1. I struck out the "nothing better to do" and "nobody else answering their phone" for a reason. That was just a little bit of humor to lighten it up…and cuz sometimes some people do feel that way. That wasn't the case for Shemar though. I appreciate your perspective nonetheless.

      1. Slim most women reading your post take what you struck out for what it appears to mean to us (What your really thinking) be it jokingly or not Not to say Shemar wasnt interested Because I think he was He did keep some form of comincating open This door was not compleatly closed It just was obviously not enough for Bern Hence the tougn lashing

        But the guy or girl that goes compleatly MIA When a communication pattern has already been establish There is no excuse for him or her Other than that coma thing lol

  23. The last time I allowed myself to be agitated by an abrupt loss of communication I was met w/an insane story involving car chases, jail time, & 2 baby mamas that I'd never heard of before. After that, someone disappear on me I ask how they're doing and keep it moving. I don't want to hear nothing bizarre & quite honestly I'm prolly just as if not more busy as he is and not noticed the change.

    1. I love that Jail time one Thats most popular I think

      Responding in the most calm and relaxed matter and keeping it moving Leaves them really floored Or I tell them Well Im seeing someone right now or Im engaged depending on the time frame of their absence Really leaves them thinking they could used some better time management skills lol

  24. Me…I'm like the prodigal son's father…you could go away for years and when you come back it's all love. Life is life. I don't even need to know where you been or what you been through. I'm just happy your back.

    But that's very rare. Most people take it personal if they don't hear from a friend for a year or more.

  25. It seems like quite a few people are considering "bernadette's" reaction an over reaction based on the stage of the "relationship" that they are in ie. "just talking"..i'm not sure if a post was done on this already..I may have to do a search..but what in the heck are the expectations of the various stages of a relationship..heck what even are the stages in 2010. In the "talking" phase am I not supposed to expect you to be consistent and considerate or is that much to ask?..or is like wild wild west every man for himself while we are "talking?" Now while I may personally not have gone all crazy on dude..I don't do men who are inconsistent or inconsiderate but that is a personal thing because I know that despite how busy I may be..if i'm really "that into you" your getting called (an exception may be some family/personal tragedy or something but even then your getting a text and you've been put on notice about my disappearance)…if we are "talking" and i'm looking to actually do more than that..i'm gonna put in the effort plain and simple. Despite how busy shemar may have been..I think it goes back to what someone said earlier..you've just shown me that a) your just not that into me or b) your not going to be able to give me what I need out of a relationship so I probably wouldn't blow up on him because after week two i've already disconnected. However, my non reaction wouldn't be some attempt to try and play it cool to see if he will step his game up I feel like that's game playing and i'm good on that.

      1. I will be anxiously awaiting, because this topic right here has had me seriously confuzzled. Dating, Serious Relationship, Just Talking.. it all just makes me tired.

  26. if we are “talking” and i’m looking to actually do more than that

    ___________________________________________________

    Does the man know this? Unless that conversation has taken place….as far as the man knows he is just one of any number of dudes callin you. How is he supposed to know he is expected to call at regular intervals.

    1. there is no notice given cause we want you to want to call, text, chat, email Something

      "I want you to want to do the dishes" The Break Up LOL

    2. Well in the above example i'm working off the assumption, as are most in the comments, that he was already calling at regular intervals and just dropped off the face of the earth with the exception of a few text messages and this call out of the blue. So "conversation" aside, if you were already calling at regular intervals, there is something to be said for consistency and it least in the above example we don't have that. In the example We also don't have the actions that bernadette may have been taking during his absence, so for example she's actually attempted to make "real" contact as opposed to texts and he's brushed her off, I think her continued interest in him would give him or any guy a hint that bernadette "is looking to do more" than talking. <–this feels like an answer to a law school exam to me *shrugs*

      On a personal note, you know where you stand with me. So the man would know I was looking to do more, assuming I was, and if he pulled a shemar it would probably be a wrap..not a crazy yelling wrap..but seran is going on it nonetheless.

  27. The reason I asked the ladies how long is too long is because I’ve had women get upset because I didn’t call for about a week, although we texted and e-mailed each other. One woman got upset that I didn’t talk to her over the weekend! Instantly came the accusations of sleeping around. Needless to say, I dropped her like a bicycle with no kickstand.

    The lady I am currently dating pulled something similar. We talked during the week and exchanged texts, but she got mad because I didn’t have time to see her over the weekend. I had to sit down and give her the speech that we can dead this now if she can’t understand that I have other obligations, and sometimes I won’t be able to see her.

    It’s understandable if some guy hasn’t called you in a month, or hasn’t texted or e-mailed in a couple of weeks. Then he probably isn’t into you (LOL at S0 FLYY and the eight-month hiatus, he obviously viewed you as a jumpoff). But for the clingy types; if you want a man that calls every three hours and spends all his time with you, find a dude that doesn’t have a job, doesn’t do community service, has no family and no life.

    1. It’s understandable if some guy hasn’t called you in a month, or hasn’t texted or e-mailed in a couple of weeks. Then he probably isn’t into you (LOL at S0 FLYY and the eight-month hiatus, he obviously viewed you as a jumpoff). But for the clingy types; if you want a man that calls every three hours and spends all his time with you, find a dude that doesn’t have a job, doesn’t do community service, has no family and no life.

      _____________________________________________

      I don't know how many times I tried explaining that shit to my ex. You think Beyonce and Jay Z don't go weeks without talkin. You think Oprah is running home to call Stedman every five minutes. When you on your grind you not callin people every five minutes talkin bout "What you doin?" That shit aint necessary if you are in a secure relationship.

      And you right, half the time it's insecurity. Just lookin at half the post here look how many females jumped straight to "He must be with another chick." instead of "He probably home sleep cause he tired from all the hours he worked this week." Maybe he don't want company this weekend.

      1. Maaaaaannnnn Please lol

        You are so full of it Why does it sound like such an excuse It is what it is

        Yes, Jay and B and Oprah and Sted may not talk everyhour But there is a constant, consistant communication there In their established Secure relationship

        If your going to pull the insecurity, clingy and crazy card At least your consistant about that lol But we are not all that way insecure, clingy or crazy

        1. Goin off on a dude that is not your man because he didn't stick to the imaginary schedule you created in your mind for your imaginary relationship you created in your head based on his previous adherence to your imaginary "schedule of consistancy."…….OK call it what you want LOL

          Once again….men are not mind readers.

        2. But men do know what they want and are not the cluless primates they sometimes play to be to get out of shish

          And if said female has this much imagination going on Why are you still dealing with ol girl

      2. I actually don't think Bey and Jay go weeks without talking. I really don't. but they are MARRIED and I don't expect that type of behavior, I don't care how busy you are. you make time for people you care about. period.

      3. GTHFOHWTS!

        don’t know how many times I tried explaining that shit to my ex. You think Beyonce and Jay Z don’t go weeks without talkin. You think Oprah is running home to call Stedman every five minutes.

        There's so much space and time between calling every 5mins and not talking for weeks lol…

        Trust me if Jay don't hear from B for two weeks, I'm sure he will pop-up in all black everything , spittin mad (#camel shots) and shut that world tour business down. You haven't noticed that they're tour dates are generally in the same country within days of each other, or you see one of them jumping off a jet headed to see the other. Hell… them nuccas got a standing date night.

        It's crazy to me how many men are Jay-Z stans and change their perspective on life with every album he drops but seem to miss the message about how a grown man handles his relationship. #fail!

    2. Why I gotta be all of that Hugh? Lol. We didn't even sleep together… *shrugs*

      He never made it that far. That weekend in his hometown was actually our first date(s). He was a long distance, friend-of-a-friend connect…

      I think he was pissed b/c I didn't go to his bball game Saturday afternoon, but I had MBA homework to do. Ah well… #ontothenext

      1. I didn't say you were anything, I was saying he didn't take you that seriously. I re-read what I wrote and understand why you may have thought that, but the point was if you take the time to visit and he can't make time, you weren't high on his priority list. He needed to be deaded.

        1. I may have worded that wrong as well… I know you weren't calling me a jumpoff. Lol. I just don't understand why invite someone out of town if you aren't gonna make the time necessary? Que loser.

    3. See your dating clingy types that are exspecting too much maybe too soon Most women only want consistancy If your doing what u did in the begining Stay that way

      Did you make plans to see said girl over the weekedn were she may have been looking forward to somthing that was in the works in her head

      A guys maybe we can get together this weekend could be

      If something else dosnt come up, If I know Im gonna get sum, If my baby's mama dosent drop off the kids without notice

      Where as a girls Maybe we can get together this weekend could be

      Im getting a new dress cause I want to go to this resturant and I have to be fly, Im heading to Vicky's Secret Cause he is so getting the goods this weekend, To Its Sunday night and this negro could not even call me to say something

      1. No, in this case we didn't have plans. I called her before doing all these things and let her know I was busy. I forgot everything I did that weekend, but I remember doing a personal training appointment, going to my niece's birthday party, and preparing a Sunday school lesson. So I let her know, if she doesn't respect my part-time job, my family, and my other obligations, she needs to find a man that does nothing but sit around and play Halo and Madden.

        1. I agree

          So if you were clear and have a life as you should Shes showing you that shes everything you dont want Dont continue to pursue her in anyway Doing so is only telling her it is ok to get mad Giving her the speach may also opening a pandoras box to crazy Im not one for second chances You are who you are Weather or not thats for me Is what I have to decide

        2. I gave her an opportunity to correct her behavior. I don't expect a woman's dating philosophy to be completely congruent to mine, so I'm not so quick to not give "second chances". But when there is an incongruency, I will let her know where I stand. Then she can make the decision if she wants to stay or not. Also, if she exhibits this behavior again, I can let her know what we previously discussed and politely show her the door.

          I understand your no second chances policy, but realize that you could be eliminating a good guy just because he wasn't aware of your expectations. Unless, of course, he does something completely wack. You don't get second chances for some behavior.

  28. Oh my. Lol this post is another one. Making it short, I've been Bernadette too often and Shemar. And it's no fun. I like being in contact with people so when you hit me up on new years and want to say long time no hear on my birthday (November 1st) something has got to give! Being Shemar, I got tired of being called the "stranger" lol then we have the "who had the last word when we texted last?" argument…

    (-_-) really though? I miss you too but damn… Maybe I WAS busy lol

    Great post anyway ^_^

  29. Great convo! I have def been Bernie a few times in my life, seriously what chick hasn't??? But I've also pulled some Shemar move, but most time not on purpose. I mean you gotta learn to balance it all when you do what someone in your circle. With the increase in technology that is def easy to do. Though all of it is not the same as actualy hearing someone' s voice, it still gets the point across.

    Now that I've hit the big 3-0 it really doesn't matter to me. I mean if we got chemistry I'mma let you know I'm thinking about you–a quick text, a brief convo walking across the parking lot, something to keep the energy alive. I gotta make contact at least a couple times a week. Doesn't have to be lengthy convos either don't have to be the center of your attention just yet. But I do gotta let you know that you are potentially worth it at some point.

  30. honestly, i've been this guy plenty. it's not that you completely lose interest completely but some of it has fizzled. you get preoccupied and you don't call/text as often as you did. do i still like her enough to want to pursue things? sure. but for whatever reason communication isn't as constant. would i feel some type of way if she decided that she doesn't want anything to do with me? nope, not in the least. i don't expect a woman to sit around and wait for me to come around. you win some, you lose some. *shrug*

  31. Do not get mad at this stage. You have to accept people where they are. Doesn't mean you wait on a brother either. If you are not in a relationship and exclusive then anything goes. He may be your favorite but only time will tell if he wil step up and the two of you will develop a relationship. Live your life and date others if you wish. Let him know this. Anger has no place at this point. Do not put all your hopes in one person at this stage. It is a set up for disappointment. Women have to learn how to manage their feelings in the early stages. No game playing, you really have to feel it. You can be excited about what may be but you must be practical.

  32. I think maybe part of the issue is the importance that women place on phone calls in general. Lots of women use the frequency of phone calls as a barometer of a man's interest. And yes I read He's Just Not That Into You too and I know the whole thing about "if he's interested he'll call", but it's worth noting that talking on the phone is not the be-all end-all for men that it is for women.

    I also find it interesting how many women are appalled at Shemar's 'bad' behaviour but seem to have no problem with Bernadette's…yelling at a grown-ass man? Really? That's allowed?

    1. "I think maybe part of the issue is the importance that women place on phone calls in general. Lots of women use the frequency of phone calls as a barometer of a man’s interest."

      Gospel.

  33. Shemar, I feel you bruh…lool

    I mean….. women be on that bullish though! Lets say you guys exchange numbers and all you've been doing is texting. on and off. Will you get mad for no call then? Also, if your conversation goes silent why do you always blame the guy? It takes 2 to <del>tango</del> text! You can use your woman speak to "hint" that you were perturbed, but to Kirk out on son?! Wack…

    1. Well, if all we've been doing is texting, so be it! I wouldn't get mad at that since that's the bare minimal form of communication we've established. I liked pen pals when I was in elementary school…

      I, personally, wouldn't automatically blame the guy for the conversation going silent and I'm not a tit-for-tat type person ("I called you last")…and I treat everyone as an acquaintance until we grow closer/get to know each other better.

  34. Am I the only one wondering why she didn't bother calling him this whole time? Last I checked the phone works both ways, and if they had been talking long enough to have already established consistency around his phone calls, then she should be comfortable enough to at least pick up the phone once.

  35. Eh. I just wouldn't have taken the call. If I don't get voice-to-voice communication, it let's me know he's not interested. One thing my years of life has taught me is that people make time for the things they WANT to do. He hasn't called? It's because he doesn't want to because I'm not important. I don't take it personal though. But, I don't engage him any further. Pretty simple.

  36. Oh yeah and just from the perspective of an old head that doesn't text……. The idea of texting somebody several times over two weeks and then sayin you are too busy to call seems ridiculous to me. I guess texting is just another way to drag out dead relationships. What a waste of energy. lol. I thought Gen X was bad.

    1. What aout when you are at work and cant be on the phone. What abotu if you're hangin out with people? I think fitting time in for that text is relevant. Sometimes, people only want to see time allocated to what they deem critically important, smell me?

      1. I agree with Sir Streetz. I can send a message from my phone without looking at it if I'm around people/at work. Completely different and a lot quicker than having to duck away into an alley/hallway to make a call. lol.

        1. Ha! Thank you Reecie lol

          Excuses, excuses I mean textin is fine But a call time to time Come on

          Can I just be a girlie girl here and Say "What is so the big deal" We have always wanted You to call And you know it

          As we give you our # We want you to call

          As girlfriends We want you to call

          As wifie's We want you to call

          How come you dont call me anymore? the song Hell the remake of the song

  37. I've been Bernie, but I only spazzed out because this guy use to text me several times within an hour, calling atleast once a day, and trying to see me on his free time. Then it seemed like he didn't exist. All I have to say is that when you break a routine, isht gets complicated..

  38. When I lose interest in a guy, I become Shemar-like by getting sporadic with my contact. It's not like I'm trying to be rude, I guess I figure it's just easier to fade into the background, and hope eventually they get the message. I know I should do better though lol.

  39. ROFL……I guess I'm the only one old enought to remember life before texting……was that 1998……..now all of a sudden all other forms of communication are impossible…..ROFL.

    1. No I remember too, and my giddy excitedment of getting a call from my boo is still the same as it was in the 90's Thats as far back as I claim J lol

  40. It's taken me ALL day to think of this..,. and I'm hoping at least one person remembers what I'm talking about.

    I was dating a guy who consistently didn't call me. He wasn't busy. He wasn't doing anything just sitting around talking about he was depressed and how he couldn't bring himself out of it and blah blah blah.

    I gave chances after chances after chances. It got to the point that I would make plans with him and leave the house because I KNEW he wasn't going to follow through then I just started seeing other people… Now was I wrong for that? Absolutely not (although I'm sure the men might disagree.)

    1. Not surprising. People suffering from depression will often sort of drop off the face of the Earth. They withdraw. So the stop calling and stop going out. Most times their friends will not recognize it as depression. They just think "This person doesn't like me any more."

    2. the old I just got so much going on right now

      Im just going through some things

      I was just about to call you

      I had to work late every night this week

      You wont believe what happen to me

      All red flags All Suspect

    3. @J

      Right. And I could accept that but I offered to go w/ to get help and nothing until I said I wasn't doing it anymore then he wanted to go to counseling. Uhh.. wtf?

      @laurinsofia

      You're a tough cookie!

      1. @ Jaci

        You have to be lol

        cause dating is a bish

        and if you allow it It will be done

        But if you look at it Like entertainment and dont take it personal

        You don't get bitter

    4. With TRUE depression – this is standard operating procedure. I can speak from personal experience. A couple of years ago – both my career (which I loved in the mortgage industry) and my relationship with the person I was supposed to marry (who I loved even more) ended suddenly and simultaneously. Anyone that knows me knows that I'm dependable, knowledgeable, social, reliable, the "rock" that everyone leaned on, etc. These traits are a core part of who I am.

      However, when my world just shattered…I grew extremely depressed. Life was just hazy and unfocused. I behaved the exact opposite of how I normally would. Flakiness was signature….unintentionally at times. I would make plans, get excited, and then as the time came…it would be too much work / energy to get dressed, let alone leave the house. Needless to say – I knew that I had NO business dating anyone in that frame of mind, and so I didn't. In that state, I had to get myself recentered, refocused, heal, etc. I didn't need a man; I needed Jesus, my friends, my family, and a some counseling / good advice for my new direction in life.

      You weren't wrong for your behavior because it is HIS job to work through his issues. Why should you be sucked into his misery?

  41. To me, there are a couple issues here (and I've been both Bernadette and Shemar):

    As Bernadette:

    1) Texting IS NOT the same thing as calling and it never will be, in the dating world. Women still expect men to call. Period. Point blank. Myself included. EVERYONE gets busy and has things going on in their lives…at least they should, so I understand him being busy, but when you can't pick up the phone in 2 weeks just to say hi; to me "he's just not that into me" and I'd take it as such. Also, the example stated no one else was answering the phone, so obviously he wasn't pressed.

    2) No one is saying it has to be a LONG convo, just a quick, "hey, I was thinking about you" 5-10 min convo is usually enough for a woman to know a man is still interested. He can state "I've been really busy so I haven't been as available but …."

    If a guy falls off the face of the Earth and can't pick up the phone in two weeks, then I'm assuming he's got other things to do that he deems more important and really not that pressed, so neither am I. If he wanted to hear my LOVELY voice, he would call.

    As Shemar:

    I know that when I wasn't THAT interested in a dude, I really wasn't pressed with calling him or calling him back. If I wanted to "deal" with him, then I was more consistent, etc and MADE time for him; if I wasn't that pressed, then I'd go weeks without talking to him, even though we may have text here and there. I've been SUPER busy at times too depending on how I felt about a guy, I chose whether to make the time or not.

    Ex. I hadn't talked to a guy in several weeks (although we'd been talking for a while), even though he'd call and leave messages. I did have intentions of calling him back, but was always too "busy". I did answer the phone when he called one time and he asked me where I had been and I mumbled something about being busy and I think I just let that explanation trail off…bottom line, I just wasn't that into him and I would've made SOME time if I was.

  42. I get where Bernie is coming from, but I wouldn't have gotten loud with him. I also probably wouldn't have taken his call if he just popped up and called me after not hearing from him for a few weeks. He would've had to wait to hear back from me. But that's just me.

    In general, I don't buy that a person has NO time to call for weeks at a time–short of that person becoming seriously ill or being in an accident of some sort. We all make time for what we feel is important to us, no matter how busy we are. But if I were in Bernie's shoes (and I have been), I would take it as a message that this guy isn't worth the effort rather than letting myself get upset about it.

  43. Late- per usual but I'll sneak in a comment!

    I am the queen of BBM and texting simply because I like to multitask and would rather gchat with you while I watch tv and talk to others. So I'm never one to get upset by text messages- especially if the entire relationship has been one of sparingly contacts (I don't need to speak to you daily- I really don't). However if we have arrived at the point where I moved you from casual dating to let's seriously get to know each other so we can get into a relationship (I.e talking) than we should have a relative grasp of each others schedules. Chances are I mentioned a paper or a big project at work and vice versa so dropping off is not an issue. But if you randomly fall off the earth and act like nothing ever happened I will refer you to the voicemail for reconsideration 🙂

  44. Late- per usual but I'll sneak in a comment!

    I am the queen of BBM and texting simply because I like to multitask and would rather gchat with you while I watch tv and talk to others. So I'm never one to get upset by text messages- especially if the entire relationship has been one of sparingly contacts (I don't need to speak to you daily- I really don't). However if we have arrived at the point where I moved you from casual dating to let's seriously get to know each other so we can get into a relationship (I.e talking) than we should have a relative grasp of each others schedules. Chances are I mentioned a paper or a big project at work and vice versa so dropping off is not an issue. But if you randomly fall off the earth and act like nothing ever happened I will refer you to the voicemail for reconsideration 🙂

    Quietly though I tend to fall in with Shemar because I'm awful at calling and returning messages sometimes

  45. ive just recently started following this blog and find it enlightning.. lol

    ok.. well first I cant wait for the post about the different stages of relationships. Im from Montreal, Canada and the dating game here is just that a game ( even when we are grown).

    then.. ive just recently been bernadette with a guy.. and ill be honest i lost my shit on him. I admit it and honestly I think its ok in certain cases.. basically i told him that his excuse was plain crazy and that unless he lost both his arms in a freak accident you couldve called .. im busy, i work full-time, i go to the gym, i have hobbies… hell if im able to shower everyday.. im able to call (5-10 minutes someone) and send a 15 second text message (at least a couple of times a week). so the busy excuse doesnt fly.. just let me know you got something crazy going on.. then ill offer support (heck if you sick as hell ill make you soup)

    in the same way, someone commented that he told his girl that she needs to deal with the fact that he wont be able to see her and that she needs to accept that (basically that she is not a priority). therefore, I believe that it is ok for a woman to expect and clearly stated that she expects for someone you been talking to, to give news and not drop off the face of the earth, without being perceived a a crazy woman. Hey… i never been a Shemar ( if i lose interest in you.. I tell you and straight to your face.. with diplomacy yes .. but I dont play ppl and if im grown enough to date around, then im grown to deal with the good and the bad sides. its never fun but it has to be done (The fading out of someone's life isnt better, its weak as hell.. Ppl grow a pair of balls and deal with your issues.)

    Getting to know someone takes time, and if a Man (or woman) isnt able to find 15 seconds or 5 minutes in a week to call or text.. have a bit of self respect and say, hell i deserve more than that.. and yes you should voice your expectations.

  46. Great post. But all of that could have been avoided if Bernadette would have just picked up the phone herself and called Shemar. The truth is in today's day and age people are busy and if you're not in an exclusive relationship don't flip if the person your "talking" to doesn't call everyday. All the game playing and attitude is so unnecessary. Just say what you mean and mean what you say. I don't think Shemar is at fault here. And for women that think he is you need to get a grip. If you're wondering why dude hasn't called then call him. Maybe he's waiting on you. Guys like to feel wanted too. Just my opinion….hope I didn't offend anyone. Feel free to visit me at http://welcometohartbreak.com or follow me on twitter @Ms808nHartbreak <3

  47. Im the type of person who doesnt like small talk every day. I can tolerate it for a few days for that special person, but at some point they need to get a life and stop relying on me for their daily entertainment.

  48. this post cracked me up.

    Guys pull that crap all the time, especially when you're dealing with other chicks on the side.

    I once had a guy who I called a lot. Each time I called he claimed he was busy. So I stopped calling. Then, he came at me talking about "why you don't call me no more?"

    Guys play games to always see a how a far a chick will go over you, because many times you have small egos. There is nothing more infuriating to a woman then to act like you didn't 'Eff Up" when you know you did.

    Don't you guys remember when you lied about doing something wrong to your mom, and she beat you worse? Same principle.

    Grow the hell up. If you really were into a chick, you would make time like you expect her to make time for you, if you like her. Otherwise, don't bother.

  49. If it's a casual we're just talking trying to get to know each other kinda thing I probably wouldn't have even answered the phone when he called after a couple of weeks of not calling or I would have taken the call and acted like I was too busy to talk….."hey, let me call you back I'm on my way out the door". When a person becomes too busy for me then I become too busy for them.

  50. Thanks for the post Slim! It's so interesting how differently the sexes see the same situation. As women, the typical train of thought might be, he's not calling me like he used to so he must not be interested anymore. While Tunde very honestly pointed out that at the "talking stage" if he goes a while without calling, he may still be interested but just preoccupied, and even though he's still interested, he could just as easily let you go at that point as well. I think the misunderstanding comes from the fact that men just don't get as emotionally invested in relationships as quickly as women do.

  51. I am extremely late on this post because I just started reading this blog. I am fresh out of a 7 year relationship and feel like I have been thrown to the wolves in terms of dating/single life. I feel like I don’t know what is right and what is wrong.

    I short, I believe that there is no right or wrong answer on how to handle things. I think that you have to handle things based on what your expectations are. I have been the Bernadette in the situation and honestly I am the type of person where you don’t have to call me everyday, but I do expect a text/call at least once a week to say hey. To me, it doesn’t matter what stage of the relationship we are in. I believe if you like someone, you will put in the effort. If you aren’t the type of person that likes to communicate, we won’t work out PERIOD. We just need to call it quits now. I don’t think this means that I am needy or anything else, its just based on what my expectations are. I am not the one that likes to play games, so I won’t act like something isn’t bothering me if it is. I also won’t scream, I will just cut you off. I have a low tolerance for bullish* and excuses.

    It is what it is.

    Great post!

  52. If two people mark each other as marraige potential and they go their seperate ways for awhile; one party decides to see where things stand. That person has made leaps and bounds of progress and the other person has made leaps and bounds in the wrong direction.

    I'd be pissed off too. Male or female. I hit you up to compare stories of what we've been up to and if you haven't done anything, don't try to downplay what I've done.

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