Let’s Be Friends

75

The title of today’s post is the bullsh*t line most people hear during a break up in between the other bullsh*t lines of  “It’s not you, it’s me” and “I’d rather have you as a friend than not in my life at all.”  (I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.)   Unless one of the parties in the relationship commits an unforgivable, egregious relationship ending offense (i.e. pledging Delta), there’s usually an attempt to remain friends or at least stay friendly.  After all the Carl Thomas, Mary J. and Neyo tracks have been played, can exes really be just friends?

I think to answer this question, you first have to answer the question of whether or not males and females can truly be platonic friends.  (Platonic – a friendship where one party wouldn’t f*ck the daylights out of the other party if given the opportunity).   Perhaps in college where you have a larger circle of friends that you actually kick it with, it’s more likely to have a platonic friend here or there (read: person you have not had a chance to f*ck yet).  But as time passes and your inner circle gets whittled down to a select few, it’s more likely that any folks of the opposite sex that you frequently interact with are either professional contacts,  romantic interests or a friend of a friend (read: f*cked/f*ckin’ one of your peoples).  I don’t know too many dudes that call up their 5 best girlfriends to hit the club up, unless he’s attempting some sort of Jason Kidd-esque feat.   On the other hand, there are a lot of females that do hang out with a lot of guys because they find women “catty”, but just keep in the back of your mind that 1 or more of the dudes in that group would f*ck you if given the opportunity.   So while it may be possible to be platonic friends with someone, chances are physical attraction can and more than likely will over ride the desire for a platonic friend of the opposite sex.



That brings me back to the question of exes.  As I just said, physical attraction between the sexes is undeniable.  No matter how your relationship ended, there’s no denying that there was a mutual physical attraction between you and said ex, unless you’re one of those “I love her for what’s on the inside” people.   Even then, if that’s what floats your boat, you’ll still be attracted to this person and keeping the friend door open is easy way to be constantly reminded of this fact.   My partner in crime, the High Priest of Humpday himself, Mr. Streetz Shuttlesworth actually broke this down not too long ago.  It’s real simple: unless you’re looking to get back with this person at some point, you really just can’t be friends.  Just think about your relationship with a friend, whether it be of the same sex or someone of the opposite sex that you have a platonic relationship with (read: not your ex, not someone you have or desire to f*ck). Is it really feasible to have a stress free relationship with this person?  Here’s how it breaks down….

See Also:  Please Stop Having Children By My Future Husband

What you want to happen: You break up with your SO and after all the tears and well wishes you guys eventually become BFF’s.  This will be one of the people you can count on in your time of need because after all, you guys have been through so much and they “get” you.  Your friendship will flourish into old age and this person will be Godparent to your child, a 3rd option babysitter, and your new SO’s friend as well.

Reality: “Let’s be friends” will be translated as “Let’s see if we can work this thing out”.   Efforts to make preserve this relationship will be made in the form texts, phonecalls, email forwards, facebooking, tweets and the occaisonal “Let’s meet up for drinks”.  Inevitably someone’s feelings will be re-kindled and an effort to jump start the relationship will be made by one party, which will be shot down by the other for whatever reason and said feelings will now be hurt.

Or…I could be wrong.  But I doubt it.

Do you think you could be friends with an ex?  Are you friends with an ex?  How’s that working out for you…?  I know a lot of you have run into this situation at least once, so holla at me.  And if you were plannin’ to call your ex to hang out this weekend…think twice.

See Also:  I Want To Have S*x With Your BFF

I burn bridges then destroy your city,

Comment(75)

  1. So I've definitely tried this but it doesn't work. Because too many feelings get involved and the lines blur. The relationship was always filled with drama mainly because his girlfriend hates my guts and is very insecure so I'm always the topic of discussion. She did something stupid and I made the decision to be done with the friendship completely because it entails too much. Even though he still wants to be friends because "I'm the closest person" to him and I "mean a lot" to him it just can't happen. He thinks I'll come around and we'll be friends but I decline. It's just better this way for all of us.

  2. And maybe at some point we will be friends again, but not now. I love him enough to have my sanity and he loves me enough to let me do that.

  3. ….interesting post. i just got off the phone with my ex. we have traveled (to paris and london alone, no less) together sans sex, we own property together, and i really like his family. it just works for us.

    we are known amongst our mutual friends as seinfeld and elaine and i love it. at times we joke about just telling people we're blood related so it isnt't be so awkward to explain the situation to folks (ie a decades worth of pictures together, etc).

    i do think it takes lots of maturity and respect. i generally like the girls he chooses, and would sit happily first row at his wedding. we share dating war stores, swap advice, and have been known to hang out with each other's parents. did i mention we were together for almost 9 years? we honestly realized we were better as friends. i get that perhaps most can't handle alla that. i guess, as with anything, you have to know what you can handle.

    1. Wow, I'm having a hard time just wrapping my head around how you all are able to be that close without any feelings resurfacing. Even though you generally like the girl he chooses, how does she feel about you and ya'lls relationship? Or if a dude you're seeing starts feeling insecure about the fact that you all are still so close? Is that automatic dismissal for that person? Just curious!! 🙂

      1. well at first the other girls didn't really udnerstand. now, i think because more time has passed and because we've found a better way to discuss it, it hasn't been as much of an issue. plus, when one of us is in a relationship, we know how to be respectful and don't go off on trips or stuff alone out of respect for the other person.

        well for me, i've found that guys aren't TOO TOO jealous because i don't bring it up like that. i don't dismiss the guy, but kind of dismiss the issue. if a guy i liked a lot had a big issue with it, i think my ex would understand and fall further back. we're kind of like family at this point. the folks who really seem not to understand/always want to discuss are my homegirls. i have to shut that mess down every time.

        feelings don't resurface because i just dont' feel that way towards him. in fact, sometimes i wish we could be blood related somehow to make it easier for others to digest. i think sometimes it's just like that.

  4. Currently not friends w/ any guys I was involved w/ in my past.

    I could be friends with my exes.

    I don't know how good of a friend.

    Thinking about it right now…. I believe I could be okay with listening to an ex discuss their love for another woman but I think that's only because I'm absolutely enamored w/ my baby boy. 🙂

    1. Author is a bruh and I'm a bruh. No need for offense. I think you could have plugged any org in there and it would be the same. Back in college, and even after, I dated a couple chicks who were trying to be Greek. It put a ton of stress on the relationship and added the opinions of about 300 people into anything that happened between us. I'm assuming, but could be wrong, that he meant something similar.

      1. Slim, you are right. Depending on the chapter a chick pledges, opinion of her LS's, prophytes, neos trump the opinion of others. Which I find pathetic, especially when that mentality is taken past undergrad.

  5. Im still friends with my ex and its been 7 years since we broke up, and I actually am his childs Godmother. The only problem is his daughters mother hates me, and my current boyfriend hates him…. but we make it work.

    I think the whole situation makes people uncomfortable because they feel like if you're still friends then the relationship isnt really over.

    BTW- I LOVE THIS BLOG!!! 🙂

    1. "I think the whole situation makes people uncomfortable because they feel like if you’re still friends then the relationship isnt really over."

      This is indeed the problem. Though it depends how much time has went by. I've had a couple boos be friends with ex's, but they dated the person years ago and have dated other people since then. I think the problem for me is when it turns out the ex was more of a former "love" buddy, but they still keep in contact. No m'aam. When you think of him, you think of D. That does not fly in this house!

    2. I agree! Because we were fine as friends before all the drama came from his girlfriend. And though we were great friends to each other, it just wasn't a battle I wasn't going to subject myself to and I think it's all about respect as well. If one party can't respect the other then eventually it will have to just end at least until that relationship is over.

    3. To be Devil's Advocate – Isn't it messed up to brush your SO's feelings aside to still be friends with your ex? They're the past (for a reason) and if you want to build something with your current SO, shouldn't their feelings take precedent?

      Seattle – I Club Baby Seals – Washington

      1. I've actually had that discussion with my current boyfriend and he admits that its the fact that I used to have sex with the dude that makes it hard for him to accept our friendship.. but I cant change that. And its been 7 years!! I think we've had enough time to figure out that we dont work well in a relationship.. its just convincing everyone else that seems to be the headache.

  6. Like i always say, i dont think i can be friends with an ex. ive tried it in the past, never worked on all occassions……. emotions always got in the way and one person getting hurt all over again. so i will pass on being friends with an ex….Have a great weekend SBM fam!

  7. I don't think it is possible to be friends right after a break up. No matter who did the dumping, you still need a cooling off period, otherwise you'll just end up using eachother as a crutch.

    I am friends (sort of, I'm more of his psychologist) with an ex… But it took us a while to get to that point… there was a while that we were "friends" and I use that term loosely because I still wanted him and it was a way to still have him in my life. When he told me about dating other women, it hurt me to my guts, but I still talked to him and never let my feelings show. After a while, I realized that we just weren't meant to be together (and at that time he caught feelings for me)…. it was just a bad cycle.

    But now, we have a clear understanding- we are just meant to be friends and he has respect for my relationship, and I, his. I''m the only platonic female friend (psychologist) that he has.

  8. Man what ever i follow a strict code. Anybody that has seen you naked you are no longer premited to be friends with. Same goes for me. I think its disrespectful to keep a ex floating around in your significnat others face i mean whats the purpose. And 9 out of 10 one of those parties still shares some small small intrest in the other and honestly the dude will always go and knock it down one more time.

    1. I don't follow as strict a code, but there's something like being out for a drinks in a group and your boo's ex is there cuz they're still friends. You don't know if he's laughing at the joke you made or laughing cuz he knows your girl inside and out.lol. More than likely a combination of both. #ivebeenthelaugher

    2. Thanks for your honesty. That's why I don't like any guy I'm with to be friends with his ex…unless I know beyond a shadow of a doubt–there's no longer an attraction there and even then I got one eye on them.

  9. I'm currently friends with my ex, but it's mainly because we were friends for like 10+ years before the relationship started.I'll admit that it is hard at times and I honestly don't know how long this is going to last. (Probably til one or the other settles down with someone else)

    I know he wants to be back with me, but I don't feel the same. He truly doesn't have any real friends besides me. I try not to Limit phone convos and our hanging out time. Gone are the days when we'll chill at the other's house. We now meet up @ bars to catch a game.

    I agree with what you said though, not so sure exes can be friends…

  10. Like my friend said don't burn bridges…TORCH THOSE MOFO'S! lol. (Nah)

    I have a platonic male friend we go back twenty years. We were never MORE than friends..we were besties. I have never been attracted to him. I think, he was probably attracted to me for a minute but he knew better (he puts you in the mind of fat Luther Vandross with the curl not quite curled all the way over). not saying Luther couldn't get it back then…but this dude can't even sing. so….lol. He has been a true friend though. He is married. I know his wife, she knows me. We don't hang out though. our relationship is more emails and a few phone calls throughout the years on holidays, bdays,etc……I have another male friend, I used to date in my early 20's. We were in love. It didn't work out. He is married (now going thru a divorce). I am not atttracted to him anymore. I am not the same person I was in my early 20's…He definitely couldn't get it at this point….but, I know for a fact we will always be friends because he is just a really decent guy….I value his friendship and our history is wonderful memories…..I think you can sustain a platonic friendship as long as you maintain boundaries…no meetups, dinners, movies…just keep it at a distance, especially if one or both of you are involved with other people. If not, then its whatever…….

    1. So what then is the point of sustaining the friendship? If I had another friend that I didn't hang out w/ we'd might as well not be friends at all…it's one thing if we can't chill because we have conflicting schedules or live far away, but at the point that you are making a conscious decision to not meet in person, that's just awkward IMO

      1. Well, I don't live in the same state of either friend….even, If I did, the married one I would probably meet up with every now and again..but, only if the wife was really cool with it…..I would ask her if it was ok first. I just wouldn't want there to be any mis-understandings on her part.

  11. I have 1 ex that is a friend, we don't really hang out — but I'm sure that's mainly b/c he lives 3 hours away — but we text/call each other to keep updated. We talk about family issues & such, and he's getting married in a few months. His fiancee seems okay with my presence, she hasn't stated otherwise & I plan to be at his wedding. Honestly, I think the only reason we remain friends is 1) he's a really decent guy, always has been 2) the premise on which we separated — we decided that we were better off as friends and 3) it's been about 5 years now, although we were friends instantaneously after the breakup.

    I know that the combination of these reasons is why we're friends b/c the fact that I'm not anything CLOSE to being friends w/ my other exes speaks volumes. & trust me, it's better that way, murder doesn't look good on a resume.

  12. I must declare finality to all

    An end to all, an END!

    I cannot, having been your lover,

    Stoop to become your friend!

    In a relationship, I'm honest, forgiving, kind, affectionate, faithful, understanding and most importantly, respectful of all paramaters established. When one or more of these attributes are not reciprocated, then I have no other choice but to end the relationship and hopefully get involved with someone who values the same things that I bring to the relationship table. When I've given my best, then I have no guilt when I walk away from what I deem a one-sided relationship.

  13. i'm still friends with a couple of my exes. not so much with the other. i'm not friends with her because i simply just don't like her as a person. i think exes can be friends, given the circumstances of the breakup and how mature each party is. also, once either party moves on as long as the ex respects their relationship. but it simply comes down to the individuals.

    one of my exes and i were friends for 3 years before we decided to get together and we're still somewhat cool because we have a lot in common. i know i wouldn't beat those if i had the opportunity and i'm pretty sure she feels the same way, so it can work.

  14. I'm friends with or remain in contact with 1 or 2 of my exes. One everything ended amicably and another I grew up with, so even though he still has feelings for me, it seemed only natural that we remain a part of each others lives. I think that if things didn't end on the best note then its dangerous to be "friends" because people can get caught up and get into a friends with benefits situation that might make one person in the party feel low. I know that I was dumped by a guy that wasn't ready for a relationship and of a sudden a month later he wants to be friends possibly with benefits, but that"a a completely toxic situation, where someone will end up hurt, used, and low, i.e. me, so I definitely think that some relationships can be turned into friendships while others need to be left in the dust.

  15. I am friends with some of my ex- boy friends. It is hard because they always want to get back with me. I learn alot form everyone that I meet and seeing them makes me glad a I am single female

  16. It’s hard to be friends after being in a relationship, because in most breakups, it’s one party that ends it while the other didn’t want it to end.

    In many cases, why would you want to be friends with that person afterwards? If you didn’t meet them with the intentions of being friends, and the relationship didn’t work, just cut ties, especially if you are still attracted to the person and they ended things. Never remain friends with someone you’re attracted to. You want more and they won’t give it to you, so you’re basically in a relationship where you are doing all the compromising and they get everything they want: the emotional connection, someone to hang out with, all while throwing the other person they’re sexing up in your face. It’s borderline masochistic to remain friends with someone you want to be lovers with. Too often, people hold onto things and people they need to let go of.

    Thegingerfly:” did i mention we were together for almost 9 years? we honestly realized we were better as friends.”

    This if often the case, especially if you were friends for an extended period of time before dating. It is easier to be friends after a breakup if you were good friends prior, because it’s usually easier to establish you just weren’t meant for each other.

    1. yes – i would agree with that. neither one of us broke up with the other. it was like a mutual conversation after a wonderful trip we'd had. i've never hesitated to call him and i doubt he's ever felt that way towards me. we kind of grew up together from our late teens into adulthood. once full grown adults i think we understood that perhaps we were on two different paths romantically.

      having the friendship and bond first totally made the difference in our case. i don't think i'd ever be friends with the exes i've had after him – because that friend-bond was never there.

  17. RCLS: ”I don’t know too many dudes that call up their 5 best girlfriends to hit the club up, unless he’s attempting some sort of Jason Kidd-esque feat. On the other hand, there are a lot of females that do hang out with a lot of guys because they find women “catty”…”

    One of the best ways to attract women: go out with one of your best-looking female friends.

  18. I'm not able to be friends with my ex, but there is no animosity or anger between us. If we run into each other, there's no tension or awkwardness. We are able to simply be pleasant to each other. And that's where it ends. Keep it moving.

  19. Like Tunde said, I think whether you can continue a friendship after a break up has a lot to do with why the two individuals broke up in the first place. I had a really bad break up with a boyfriend who treated me badly, so there is no way I could continue to be friends with him after the break up.

    I feel like men and women can only truly be platonic friends if they have known eachother since childhood. But once you cross that line and date/have sex with someone, it's definitely not platonic anymore. Something changes, albeit subtle. Pretty much from the 20's up, I think we stop making platonic friends of the opposite sex. At this point, we tend to talk to and hang out with people who we either are attracted to, or are attracted to us.

  20. Last night I went out for drinks with my ex. We broke up because he isn't in a place where he can "Provide" (re: "Provide, Protect, and Profess" from the Steve Harvey Book). However, there is still mad chemistry there. But alas after the free eats and drinks…I went home alone and full and thinking about another man.

    I thought that the pledging Delta statement was a nod to School Daze. LOL

  21. Yall know how I feel about exes.. lol.

    I was friends with one ex, but that was years later. We finally came to an understanding and it was cool. We werent Bffs but the respect was there. That's all I can ever ask for. If we had a bad breakup though, you;re lucky if I stop to help you if you're gettin beat down by some chicks or anyone, but that's just the scorpio in me…lmao

    1. Haha… and the scorpio in me too… I'd keep walking no doubt. When thinking about being friends with exes, I just think to myself "Motherfather, for what?" Seriously. I have enough friends. And in each break-up situation, he already has enough friends too. So the reality (in my head at least) is that we're delusionally trying to hang on to something here. We didn't get into this to be friends, so why is that an acceptable goal now that the love thing didn't work out? Real talk is that I don't know any happily married folks that are friends with anybody that they boned at some point. Cordial if you see em in the street, yes. But intentionally inviting that person to be a part of your current life, hell no. Just sayin…

  22. Honestly, I USED to believe that ex who have been your friend before a relationship could be kept as a friend. Now I think that makes no sense to do that. Consider the case of where a person that was your friend before hand and then hurt you during the "relationship" that sparked the break-up. One normally would think: "Oh, we were friends before hand, so let's return to that." WRONG! It's not like the friendship stopped when the relationship started. The friendship was always there once established. Think about it. So they did something during the romantic part of the relationship that yielded you to entirely break those ties. I bet my bottom dollar that it not only violated the romantic aspect of a relationship, but also "just friends" part too. We tend to think that we really lose something by moving past a person in the romantic+previous friendship case. The two aren't mutually exclusive once a romantic relationship starts.

    While what I just typed could be overlooked if both parties are single (and not smashing eachother already), if either or both are in relationships, I think the person where you have the romantic relationship takes priority. There's a statue of limitations on that notion. If the friend+ex was someone you dated/broke-up with when you were 22 and you have a SO when your 29, then the new SO can't really say that much. However, if its been 6 months from the break-up with your ex, you needs to check yourself and burn that bridge in order to respect the feelings of another. We all know that once we get in once, it's always easier the next time. lol

  23. First off. If you break up with someone and a month later yall are "friends." You never really broke up. You just playin games and sending mixed signals. If you really break up with someone you have to give it 6 months to a year before you think about being friends.

    Now I don't see nothing wrong with remaining friends but I would have a problem with my girl (if I had a girl) bein BFsF with a former boyfriend or fuck buddy. Shit is just unseemly.

    If you love someone you look out for their feelings and don't put them in situations that make them uncomfortable. Not sayin you have to cut off all your friends but um….An occasional phone call and lunch is one thing…..owning property with your 9 year ex ROFL….c'mon now. I could never be your man. LOL

    1. what! 🙂 it's a great investment. we bought it when we were together. then the market crashed. why lose money over some possible-future boyfriend? if one of us gets serious with someone, then we'd sell/buy the other out or figure out a way to make it work.

      but to each their own. maybe not to you, but to some of the guys i date that's 10x better than having a kid with the negro.

  24. You can be friends with an ex. I am, but it didn't happen right away. We loosely kept in touch over the years (a few phone calls )and now we are great friends. That being said I was madly in love with him years ago but now; my feelings are purely platonic. I have no desire what so ever! Nada!! I see now how we were not meant for each other. But I suspect that given the opportunity he would have sex with me althought it has never come up. We are truly supportive of each others lives now and have met each others SO.

  25. "i do think it takes lots of maturity and respect." ~ thegingerfly

    This. if it was an ex from many many years ago, why can't you be friends? I'm cordial to all exes, but only friends with maybe 2 or 3. true friends. One is married and the other is on the way. granted our "relationships" were LONG time ago we pretty much were friends first so that makes it easier to go back to friends, IMO. And when you've known someone for most of your life it makes sense that you want to keep them in your life–granted they haven't done any super shady shit and you still like/respect them as people.

  26. There's only one ex of mine that I remain friends with and that's only because we BOTH realized we make better friends than lovers. Now the rest of my exes–hell no we can't be friends. I respect and like my friends and yes, there may be a male friend or two that I would love to have rock my world–but exes get axed out of my life. There's no room for them because I'm too busy trying to make new friends 🙂

  27. I think that shady dealings are what messed up "just friends" for everybody – too many folks were using that as a cover for some cut buddy lovin'. However, as a relationship grows some of those platonic friendships (whether platonic from jump or after a break-up) naturally get squeezed out. After all, if your s.o. is your "best friend" (at least of the opposite gender) then you don't need to go to your platonic friends as much. There's only room for one man and one woman in a home, which is why even the opinions of other people are not really welcome by your partner.

    Side note – if your bestie can't chill and be comfortable with you AND your s.o. you may need to reevaluate your situation.

    1. "However, as a relationship grows some of those platonic friendships (whether platonic from jump or after a break-up) naturally get squeezed out."

      true, I think as relationships evolve you naturally wont' be as "tight" with these people, which makes sense to me…

      1. Girl yes. I give a little side eye when the bestie complains that the girlfriend is jealous. If it's near the beginning of the relationship or the gf is the jealous type that's one thing. But if your best guy friend is in a solid relationship you have to accept it and faaalll back, lol. You can still be in the picture – just in the background.

  28. Anna N. says

    There’s only room for one man and one woman in a home,

    ___________________________

    Nigga what! (If you don't speak DC slang that means, "I whole heartedly agree with you madame.) LOL

    1. Hey, I'm a PG county girl. We don't speak such slang round these bougie parts, lol.

      Now, kindly pass me those wangs and mumbo sauce. White rice and Everclear on the side.

  29. I am friendly with all of my exes and true friends with 2. One of those is actually my best guy friend. While I can't speak on his end I can certainly speak on mine and I jut realized that we weren't going to work and I turned off my "attraction" switch. I think the only guys I have never been friends with are those that I figured out where despicable in character or I just couldn't stop being attracted to them.

  30. In general I am opposed to being friends with my exes, just like in general I don't believe a man and woman can truly be friends without sex/relationships getting in the way.

    I have one ex that is the exception to both of my rules – we were living together and continued to do so after we broke up. He moved from our bed to a futon in the same room and there he stayed until he got married two years later. I was at the wedding straightening his tie and giving him a pep talk before he walked down the aisle. I think it's great that we were able to maintain our friendship and all that, but truth be told if I had it to do over again I would have cut him off dead when we broke up. My experience of staying friends immediately after the break up is that it blurs the lines of friendship and encourages lingering feelings. And oh yeah – it makes subsequent SO's very uncomfortable. I agree with RCLS – let's be friends just means let's try to hold on to this and it's not a move I'll be repeating in my future.

  31. In general I am opposed to being friends with my exes, just like in general I don't believe a man and woman can truly be friends without sex/relationships getting in the way.

    I have one ex that is the exception to both of my rules. We immediately transitioned from a relationship to a friendship – we were living together and continued to do so after we broke up. He moved from our bed to a futon in the same room and there he stayed until he got married two years later (I was at the wedding straightening his tie and giving him a pep talk before he walked down the aisle).

    I think it's great that we were able to maintain our friendship and all that, but truth be told if I had it to do over again I would have cut him off dead when we broke up. My experience of staying friends immediately after the break up is that it blurs the lines of friendship and encourages lingering feelings. And oh yeah – it makes subsequent SO's very uncomfortable.

    I agree with RCLS – let's be friends just means let's try to hold on to this and it's not a move I'll be repeating in my future.

  32. I think you hit on a great point, being that when people say they have platonic friends, it's usually because they have a large group of mutual associates. Secondly, I think people are way too loose with the word friends. Just because you know someone and say more than a casual hello when you see them, does not make them your friend. I work with the mindset that if I can't call you when I have a flat tire, I get locked up, or I need help with my emergency fund….you're just someone I know. In conclusion, I'm not friends with any of my old main ladies, probably because I'd still sex them up if I had the chance, and most of them are either engaged, married, or in "committed" relationships now.

  33. I've read and commented on another post like this a little while ago.

    My take on it is:

    Exs can be friends IF they are both on the same page and are both mature enough to accept that the relationship is over and it's a no go.

    For me, I'm a naturally friendly person, to a fault sometimes. In retrospect, I've only had about 3 guys in my life who I've had a relationship with RRREEAALLYY meant a lot to me. The first one- he and I are 'okay' now, but we don't talk or anything. IF for some reason, he needed me and had exhausted all other options, I'd help him out the best way I knew how. I don't kow if you call that 'a friend', but that's just kinda how I am. The second one- I tried to hate him after the break up. He cheated on me, and months later the girl was preggers, and it was almost like I never existed. He had the BALLS to send me sonogram pics of the heffas baby! LOL We didn't talk for quite a while, but I got over it, and maybe I was being cocky, but I'm surely better off without him and his cheating ways. He and I talk often (not as much now), but he credits me with helpin save his marriage because when he cheated (YEP- he was still cheating on his wife/mother of his child), I'd fuss at him like he was a lil brother or something. He said I made him feel like shit and it helped him straighten up… So, him, yeah, I'd say he was my homie. The third one, most recent- the jury is still out. I try to remain cordial, but trynna figure out how to be a friend to somebody who isn't even a friend to himself can work…

    ALL that to say,

    it depends on the parties involved…

  34. I definitely agree, exs especially can not be friends. Most of the time it just leaves an open door to "what if" and "remember when" hoping it will rekindle the flame. I believe once you've seperated you should completely close out that chapter in your life, besides friendship is just another form of a relationship, and if the marriage, courtship, etc didn't work, its just time to move on. Besides how fair is it to be with your new mate and be constantly reminded of your past?

  35. For me, it's not a matter of being for or against staying friends with my exes.
    During and after breakups when the "Can we at least be friends?" question comes up, I dismiss it. Maybe I'm honest or maybe I'm just rude, but my patent response is to say that we were never friends; I thought you were sexy and you didn't get on my nerves… now you do.
    Or, when all else fails, "No, thanks."
    That's just my personality. I even say it with a smile.

  36. This one varies with ex to me. I have an ex that I was engaged to, but i know i could call him at 5 am if i have a nightmare about zombie clowns (don't ask) and he'll pick up and talk to me until i go to sleep. But on the other hand, I have an ex that just recently decided after 2 years we needed to "squash the beef" and maintain our friendship. We can't be friends. Feelings run deeper on one side than another (I can woman up and say mine) and i'm sorry but friends insinuates that you can talk about all aspects of life and I don't want to hear about his relationships. So that one can't be and I explained that very clearly why not.

    Can exes be friends? yes they can…some of my closest male friends are people I've dated. Should ALL exes be friends? No. It's just a matter of knowing who you can really be friends with and who needs to make a permanent life exit.

  37. I'm on the same page as @thegingerfly, there's one ex that I'm friends with and his is apart of my close circle of friends. Unlike most folks who've commented my ex and I were not friends first, we were co-workers for a few shorts months and ended up in a pretty decent r'ship, best one I've ever been with. While we were together I remember telling him that if we ever broke up I'd still want him to b a friend of mine bc he is truly a great person (sorry for the mush, I just threw up in my mouth a bit too lol). In all honesty tho, I meant it wholeheartedly and his response then was that he couldn't be friends with an ex & he was upset that I even spoke of a hypothetical break-up lol

    Anywho, he lied to himself bc a few months after we broke up he called me and told me that he didn't want us to not ever speak & that he didn't feel comfortable not hearing from me. One rule I have after break-ups tho is I NEVER sleep with them after we call it off, EVER. So him and I never touched or had relations after we parted. As a few of you stated I think it all depends on maturity anf how you handle the friendship, at times I forget that him and I were ever together, when we tell ppl they never believe us, that's how platonic are friendship is. It would've been difficult to not be friend with him bc we have soooo many mutual friends.

    It also helps that we didn't break-up on bad terms, no crazy drama occurred and he's genuinely my homie, I'm nowhere near attracted to him bc I've grown up and realized he is not what I want and it could NEVER be. On the other hand one of my closest friends is a guy also (not the same person) and our relationship is strictly platonic (on my part anyways), I've never done anything with him and it will never happen simply bc I'm not attracted to him at all. No one ever believes me bc everyone thinks he incredibly desirable and attracted, but I just don't see it. He's always telling ppl I'm his future wife tho and I think that he might just have some feelings for me, but I don't feel the same so it won't happen. I'd like to think that anyone I end up with would trust me enough to believe me.

    IMO. He's my Bromie and it's gonna STAY that way regardless of how he feels. All in all, I don't agree that exes can't be friends or that persons of opposite sexes can't be friends. Boundaries have to be respected and individuals need to have a certain level of maturity and that's the way the cookie crumbles!

  38. Your opinion is made null and void by the fact that you mold your identity into one of a man with no self-respect or sense of self-value.

  39. I’m friends with my ex’s, not BFFs, but we’re cool. I know the wives & GFs and its ok. I agree that there is the chance that old feelings can arise, but who says you have to act upon them?

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