Home Dating & Relationships Relationships Do I Know God? How About Do You Know Me?

Do I Know God? How About Do You Know Me?

126
Guess who doesn't go on Sunday?

*** Shout-Out ***
I have to take a second to note something new BET is trying to do with their show The Deal.Β  Trying to step it up, The Deal offers a one stop shop for all your hip-hop needs.

– SBM
*****************

**The following takes place on G-Chat during a random lazy Sunday afternoon**

Wandaneesha: Hey Slim! You there?!
Slim: Indeed. What’s good?
Wandaneesha: Not much. Just got back from Golden Corral with Church folk.
Slim: Nice. Word. Yay Jesus. How was your date last night? I’m assuming you’re about to tell me anyway. No reason to fake the funk.
Wandaneesha: It was great. He’s funny. He’s cute. He has a lot going on for him. He knows what he wants and would make a good boyfriend. I might mess with him, but that’s about it though.
Slim: Wait. So he sounds like a good guy and you’d let him potentially smash, but you wouldn’t date him?
Wandaneesha: Yeah. I knew you’d say that. It wouldn’t work though.
Slim: Why not?
Wandaneesha: He doesn’t go to church or have a strong relationship with God. I need a man who’ll be there with me on Sunday.
Slim: If that’s your attitude, he’s probably better without you.
Wandaneesha: Last time I tell you anything…
**Wandaneesha has signed off. 3:41pm**
Slim: lol.

See Also:  What Constant Texting Says About the Quality of Your Relationship

If I had a dollar for every time I read or heard something like this, I’d be able to…well…umm…buy a large 3-topping pizza and 2 liter bottle of Pepsi from Dontae’s Pizza and Pigfeet. And with each dollar earned when this is said, I cringe and die a little bit inside. Apparently it’s one of the lead deal-breakers and another hot topic on a few popular women-run blogs. I even referenced it briefly during my faith series on 3 Ways. And though I understand it, I still have to ask why do so many people say that they need a God-fearing or spiritual man/woman who’ll be in church with them on Sunday?

To those with an “active faith”, the answer probably seems obvious. It’s probably one of the following:

  • People should have similar values when they’re dating. If the values aren’t aligned, it’s going to be a major fail.
  • People are entitled to discriminate based on whatever criteria they deem important.
  • I don’t want no heathen!
  • The person needs to be able to fit into my family. My family is all **insert belief system here**.

All of those answers make sense and seem fair in some way. And with this particular issue, it probably seems to be all the more legit. However, it ends up being no different than a lot of the other frivolous criteria out there. As someone who’s been a “nonbeliever” of sorts and someone who has recently become stronger in this aspect of life, I think I’ve got to say that this can be an awful reason to screen out a particular relationship partner. It’s one thing if the person says they hate **insert higher being** and have no interest in ever dating someone who follows that faith because they’re a piece of sh*t. In that situation, nobody wants to date an ignorant fool so go ahead and screen ’em on out. But what about those who are normal, kind, and righteous in other aspects of their life?

See Also:  Women Are More Superficial Than Men

All Most of the time when we meet people and are sizing up their potential (not that way), we’re just thinking about ourselves—rightfully so to some degree. We’re not thinking about how the person arrived at their belief system or thought process. It just becomes a matter of “He said this. I’m this. It’s a wrap. Nevermind everything else about him or her, I’m not trying to beg them to go to church/mosque/synagogue/temple with me.” As I’ve become more involved in faith, I’ve become even more open in my views of dating across faith boundaries. And one thing I have learned is that you shouldn’t need to have someone sitting next to you so that you can continue whatever spiritual growth you’re pursuing. If that person is willing to listen and try to understand your beliefs and you’re willing to do the same for them, you should be fine…within reason.

And besides, if you want someone to be there next to you just so you can appease family and friends or look “ideal” to the congregation, you’re just faking the funk anyway. I don’t say this to preach. I just say this because I see too many people miss out on potential partners because of this topic.

See Also:  Three Ways That Privacy Strengthens Relationships

What about you though? Is having the same belief system a critical criteria? Do you think I’m wildin’ with this viewpoint? Can you have the same values and different faiths? Are you willing to pass up on what appears to be a good man or woman because their thoughts on spirituality are different than yours? Share any and everything. We know you got something to say.

If you practice what you preach then why not tolerance,

Twitter: @slimjackson Website: www.threewaystotakeit.com

Comment(126)

  1. I won't marry an atheist..Point Blank!

    I'm not a religious person. I don't go to church every Sunday, and right now lent is not on my to-do list. However, I am a spiritual person. I pray, and go to church occasionally. Right now as I'm typing, there is an open bible on my bed, because I need to get reading.I'm a believer, and if you are not,then I will not date you. When I do attend church, the fact that my S/O and I have the same belief system make isht a lot easier. There will be a common ground and we can do bible study πŸ™‚ But this is all me..

    ***Its weird that you wrote on this topic, because this past sunday I was in church, and I told myself that I will never date a man that isn't God-fearing. I'm just saying…what do you fear??

  2. I used to think this way, but then you'd come to realise there is a difference between being a great Human being and being a 'God -fearer'. I want a great Human being.

  3. Silm you are a atheist lets not sugar coat it by calling it a "non believer of sorts" and that is why you can not relate to this quality, and feel so strongly in favor of it not being a detrimental factor in relationship, I can respect that and understand that you can't possibly take serious something that you don't believe in to begin with *cheese*, but to answer your questions:

    Is having the same belief system a critical criteria? YES

    Do you think I’m wildin’ with this viewpoint? YES

    Can you have the same values and different faiths? YES…BUT WITHIN REASON I CAN'T BE A METHODIST AND YOUR A JEHOVAH WITNESS

    Are you willing to pass up on what appears to be a good man or woman because their thoughts on spirituality are different than yours? YES..YOU MUST BE A BELEIVER

    I cannot speak for everyone but for myself, my relationship with God and my spiritual journey has & god-willing never will be about appeasing to family/friends or creating an image to church folk. Nor does my sig other have to attend church with me. My challenge is are you going to church at all, do you have a relationship with god, if not do you have a desire to head in that direction,? We can GROW together and that doesn’t have to involve us sitting in the same pew, BUT do you want/desire to at least? BOTTOMLINE >>>I’m GOING to heaven w/or w/o you are you coming with me and if not are you content with that?

    1. "Slim you are a atheist lets not sugar coat it by calling it a “non believer of sorts” and that is why you can not relate to this quality, and feel so strongly in favor of it not being a detrimental factor in relationship,"

      Thanks for the thoughtful comment, but I have to correct this part. I'm far from an Atheist. I wrote a 3 part series on helping people find or strengthen their faith with a higher being. I went to church when I was young, fell away from it for a variety of reasons, and recently came back into it in the last 4-6 months but in a completely different way than before. My perspective now is a lot different as a result of what I went through.

      If you're interested, here's part 1.

      http://www.threewaystotakeit.com/find-a-church/

    2. BOTTOMLINE >>>I’m GOING to heaven w/or w/o you are you coming with me and if not are you content with that?

      There's so many wrong with this statement… But hey. As long as it works right? Has this worked?

  4. I am a woman of deep faith and commitment. I always aspire to the highest good and absolutely wish to share these qualities with a future significant other. However, I have a serious problem with the overwhelming tendency of Black Americans toward Christianity (about 90% say they're Christian). It just seems like exceedingly successful brainwashing to me. I want someone who can see through the piety "fear of good" of imposed religion instead of embracing it.

    Trust me when I say that's even harder to find an intellectually curious man than a Christian one.

    1. “Trust me when I say that’s even harder to find an intellectually curious man than a Christian one.”

      If I substitute woman for man, I can say AMEN to that. Intellectually curious PEOPLE regardless of gender in America are a dying breed.

      I love black women, and most black women are Christian. It’s not the religion itself I mind, it’s the self-righteousness and the disdain of anything NOT Christian. On the other hand, I love conversations with Christian women who are spiritual. It will be 1am and we will be wondering where the time went. It’s those other ones I avoid.

  5. Twice now I have encountered men whom I refused to marry because of their lack of faith. I consider myself to be a well balanced individual and I owe that to my faith. If I cannot share that with you I am okay without you, great even. I need to know that when we do decide to commit to a life together our children can see a united front in whatever we do as a unit. A man is the priest of his home and if I can't see a priest in you, I don't see how I can procreate with. Ultimately God has brought me this far in life and blessed me, why would I entertain a relationship with someone who cannot fathom how important that is?

  6. All i have to say is that i am not willing to pass up a good man based upon his spirituality, and although you CAN grow spiritually without having a significant other sitting beside you in church, it makes it alot easier. i mean, afterall its easier to bring someone down than it is to pick someone up. Therefore its easier to fall off your path than it is to bring someone on to your spiritual journey….With that said,I am STIll not opposed to dating someone of opposite faiths because many times its an intellectual person who may be an atheist or what have you..and for me, intellect is an extreme turn on:}..Im not sure if I answered the questions, but thats my piece.

  7. Well, my grandparents have been married for 50+ years and my grandpa rarely (if ever) went to church with my grandmother. Do I believe that this weakened their marriage? Absolutely not; 5 children, a move across waters from Haiti to the US, and many years later, they are still happily married and deeply in love. They built their marriage on other foundations that i don't think that God lacked presence in. I would love to marry someone who is catholic but in the end…if the person God crafted for me isn't, all I hope is that he acknowledges a higher presence…there will be much more for us to build our marriage on. I don't even go to church every Sunday but I gladly celebrate my faith at home so I can't persecute him for not going himself. But that's just me.

  8. WOW! Great topic.You pose some a good questions here, Slim.

    I've never given this subject real or profound thought but I think that I can safely say it's important to me that someone I become involve with knows & believes in God and that only through Jesus Christ one can be saved BUT if he's not attending church often, occasionally or not at all and doesn't have a close relationship w/ Christ, I'm not going to just do away with him if everything else is standup about him. God may have placed me in his path to be an example or there just may be a lesson I may need to learn from him.

    This post brings to mind this B-film my sis-in-law made everybody watch w/ her this past Christmas called, Too Saved. It actually turned out to be a good movie and it was pretty funny too. I think anyone who considers themselves Christians should see it.

    1. "I’m not going to just do away with him if everything else is standup about him. God may have placed me in his path to be an example or there just may be a lesson I may need to learn from him."

      Something I've learned recently and a reason people "failed to convert me" before. Well said.

  9. I love this post (is it just me, or do all my comments start like that?).

    As someone who only started going to church regularly when I moved into a building with a church was a less than 1-minute walk away, I don't feel like I'm in a position to hold not going to church against anyone. I have always loved and had a relationship with God, even when I didn't see the inside of a church for centuries. And like you said, I don't need to have someone sitting next to me in church. My faith is my business and if anything I think it might mess with my vibe.

    I do draw the line at atheists though. That is an automatic dealbreaker for me.

  10. Good topic!! And I've had a friend tell me the same about a guy. She basically wrote him off because him going to church was important to her. I told her to find out WHY he wasn't going before she passed judgment. Sometimes there is no reason but laziness….it doesn't mean he's a non-believer or an atheist.

    So I told her to ask him, and she did…and come to find out he used to go, but got lazy. I told her to invite him to church, but she gave him the "you're welcome to come with me anytime you want…" That is NOT an invite! She never did it, and they aren't together.

    Sharing beliefs is one thing, but sitting in church every Sunday is another. Attending church does not make someone a devout …it just means they wake up every Sunday to meet the fam for Sunday brunch.

  11. I gotta tell you the truth, folks. When it comes to bu***hit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No

    contest.

    Religion. Religion easily has the greatest b***hit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

    But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good b******* story.

    I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is f***** up.

    Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption.. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the from a Supreme Being.

    Human are no different from other animals on this planet. The reason why human are superior to other animals is because of our brains. I love my brothas and sistas but we are the most brainwashed people on this planet. We have been told this story for so long that we starting to belive it.

    Example, the N-word. For hundreds of years we have been called this more than our govermnet names. So long that our minds think its a good thing to show enderment but it still comes from the same premise, hate and self hatred. ONe minute these people are catching the "holly-ghost" but as soon as they leave church and go to the "Golden Corral" for sunday day dinner, we get some of that gin in us and start saying some stuff like…."Did you see that N with in church today"….I cant stand that N….That N need to go somewhere and pray.

    1. I gotta respect this opinion and the time you took to comment, though I don't necessarily agree with it. I chose that Golden Corral and "I might mess with him" example for a reason, which I believe you got.

      Also this:

      "Some people use God as a deciding factor for their mates. It’s almost as if they don’t trust their own judgment so they look to God to validate their partners for them."

      Never thought about this perspective in the context that you wrote it. Some people do indeed do that. As I've been growing in faith, I've noticed people around me pray on every single life decision and at times I've been like "C'mon. You have the ability to make this decision on your own." So I definitely see where you're coming from.

    2. I Co-sign everything you said. I have little to no respect for any divine power. Its all based on silly primative concepts and tradition for people who can't think for themselves.

      People in a cult are going to marry others of the same cult and belief b/c the reason why the joined the first place was their insecurity. Are all Christian cult members insecure? Nope obviously Slim and my are aren't.

      But the rest of you who make biggoted comments about non believers…. you obviously aren't so strong in your faith if you can't deal with one of us.

      #pimpsmackingpastor'swivessince'83

  12. "Where two or three are gathered together in my name, there I am in the midst of them."

    Folk tend to forget church and worship isn't (necessarily) a place/ or building but the sum of those who attend…in other words, church is people.

    Would I discount someone because they didn't go to church….no

    Would I not want to date/marry someone who doesn't believe period or wasn't spiritual in some way…yes

    I need someone who believes with me. They don't have to worship or believe the SAME WAY that I do but they have to believe. My faith walk is mine, theirs is theirs…but somebody better be walking somewhere on some path.

    A lot of folks get turned off from "church" because of the way "church" feels versus what their spirit tells them. I can't tell somebody they have to go to a church building or all bets are off…that's not tolerance nor understanding. How can I ask for grace if I'm not extending toward someone else?…wooo…don't get me started lol?

    But yeah, no I wouldn't discount someone because they differ spiritually.

    1. They don’t have to worship or believe the SAME WAY that I do but they have to believe. My faith walk is mine, theirs is theirs…but somebody better be walking somewhere on some path.

      How do you quantify anyone walking down some path of faith? Is it because they can give it a nice title with a capital letter at the beginning and say, "I'm a…" or will they have to enumerate all the dos and don'ts of their belief system?

  13. I was just having this convo with someone the other day. I was telling them I cannot date a Moslem man if I am a Christian. We would be unequally yolked and it just wouldn't work for a number of other reasons. I also, will not date a "non-believer of sorts". I don't have the patience or the time to convince someone about the goodness and existence of the Lord. Now, sometimes people come into our lives for a reason. If I met a "non-believer" and he was a nice guy and curious about God…then MAYBE I would see where it goes. But, generally speaking I want a man already based in the foundation of knowing who and what GOD already is in his own life and a willingness to get to know God better…….it is a deal-breaker for sure. There are enough issues plaguing male/female relationships without adding this one to the mix…..

    1. queenT,

      no disrespect intended, but…

      as a Christian, isn't a part of your duty to spread the word to nonbelievers? how is that a "waste of time"?

      do you not think that God is capable of putting a 'nonbeliever' in your path as a test to your faith, and your ability to spread his word? hmmmmm….

  14. clap clap bravo, someone get Jesus to turn this glass into Moscatto.

    Am I religious? Nope. Am I spiritual? Yes. I was watching USA one day and this lady said, "I believe in all paths to God." I can agree with that. I just don't think there is a right way or wrong way to exhibit how you associate with life on Earth. Therefore, to each his own.

    As it comes to dating and religion, i'm going to get real jiggy for a second because I grew up in the church. Peope must realize that your relationship with God is a personal one. Though God encourages us to fellowship with believers, what the person next to you is doing should be no indication of how you feel and what you need. Therefore, you boyfriend or husband may not attend church with you. What you will have to ask yourself is, does he support you or is he trying to pull you away from church? If he's trying to pull you away you have a problem, but his perspective is that he doesn't feel the same way, but you're more than welcome to practice your spirituality the way you see fit, then you need to back off. Evangelism is a responsibility of all Christians, but be clear; Evangelism is not persuasion and it is not giving utlimatums over poon vs. chruch.

    Some people use God as a deciding factor for their mates. It's almost as if they don't trust their own judgment so they look to God to validate their partners for them. I have mixed feelings on this. Do I believe that through meditation (aka prayer) you can see clearly about a decision such as a partner? Yes. Do I think that you should conclude that a partner who is not a man of God is a dealbreaker for you? No. I'm not trying to rile folks up, but there are too many inconsistencies in the Christian believers of the world to be trusted. How many women are in the club, going home with a different dude on Friday and Saturday, and then stumble into church on Sunday to shed tears of the great work Jesus has done in their life? Bad example? Hmm…

    I've been a Christian all my life, and I say this with full conviction; most of the Christians I know are bad examples. They're either wildly inconsistent or pick and choose when they want to be Christians. So… about that requirement that your partner be a man of God, what are you really trying to say?

    1. "Evangelism is not persuasion and it is not giving utlimatums "

      Say that one mo gain!!!

      "So… about that requirement that your partner be a man of God, what are you really trying to say?"

      This could really mean a lot of things though. Especially if you know your tail ain't right. Wrong or right I know handfuls of folk who are looking for a partner to be what they are not in order to be able to transform themselves into something better…they are looking for that person to be that motivation unto greater things. to you it may not make sense but I can easily see someone thinking that way. Everyone is weak over something.

    2. Gotta cosign Dr Jay on this post. Said it wvery well.

      I have my own personal relationship with God. I don't expect anyone to match that. I goto church every Sunday i can because <del> THe church is right across the street </del> I like it and that's what I'm committed to do.

      To supreme, there's a difference between religion and faith. I can cosign your frustration about religion at times, but I have faith that there's a being more powerful that I, who put me on this Earth for a reason. Even a scientist will say just because you can't prove it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist!

      Different faiths? yeah I can get with it. The older you get,the more you see that true importance lies with the individual as a whole. I'd be skeptical of an Atheist though, but that once again is a personal preference, because I would want someone with a believer in a higher power. Other than that, I think I can rock with most faiths.

  15. i agree with the post all the way through….

    im agnostic and i hate religion as an institution. i feel that its better to just be a good person. there are plenty of people who go to church who live worse lives than i do…and ive only been to church like 5 times my whole life. you dont need church/religion to have morals. but at the same time, i can respect those who truly are living by the word. to each his own….

    i wouldnt care what religion the guy was…even if he was atheist. there are soooooooooo many other things to worry about when trying to find a good mate…sh*t is already too hard. but my fiance isnt religious and i kinda like that. we do some freaky sh*t that i know gotta be against religion's rules lol…

  16. I used to be accepting of men who didn't to church as long as they believed there was one.

    But after a while, I felt those men had an effect on me. I found myself skipping church to hang out with them or stay out late on Saturday night (and lets be real, if you are out all night, you are not trying to get up in the morning for something that is not REQUIRED, i.e work). In addition, there is nothing more annoying to me, than a person who asks me what church was about, when they could have very well been sitting in that pew.

    Now, I desire a man who is active in church. I want us to be able to have that experience together. My current beau is just as eager to go to church and Sunday School as I am, and that gives me a great feeling. I want God's presence at home and in our relationship. When I whip out my bible to read (on days other than Sunday), I want him to WANT to read it as well.

    I don't want to feel like I'm pushing my religion on anyone, I want to be able to speak about God without second guessing if I'm offending a non believer or non church goer- it just makes it easier.

    I don't think a person wanting someone that's active in church is a big deal, it's a preference- just like a man who PREFERS a woman with long hair. Doesn't make it right, it just makes it true.

  17. This is an interesting topic. I read a dating/relationship self-help book, & one of the topics the doctor had NO help for: religious difference. People believe — & they believe deeply. Alterings someone's belief system (especially those who believe SOMETHING) is near impossible & those who have value systems that are extremely different usually see separation in their relationships. It was actually kind of depressing. The doctor told examples of people who had fallen in love and then b/c of extreme value systems that they weren't willing to compromise on (usually b/c of the thought of children) decided to separate.

    Anywho… about me personally:

    Is having the same belief system a critical criteria?

    – My belief system (although I'm Christian) is more importantly a relationship w/ God. So is him having a relationship w/ God critical? Yes. Does it have to be as deep as mine? No. To each his own, but when I shout b/c of the goodness of the Lord, I don't want him to look at me cross-eyed.

    Do you think I’m wildin’ with this viewpoint?

    – I think as a nonbeliever of sorts… you aren't wildin'. It's what you believe at this moment in your life. Our viewpoints grow & change with us.

    Can you have the same values and different faiths?

    – You can have the same values & different faiths, however the action put behind those values differ based on the extremity of your faith.

    Are you willing to pass up on what appears to be a good man b/c their thoughts on spirituality are different than yours?

    – Different & non believing are two different things… Since I believe in my relationship w/ God & the word that he left for us, I have to believe that someone who doesn't believe in His word is not who he intended me to be with. God may have placed us (me & the nonbeliever) in each other's path to learn from each other & he could end up being a believer… but I wouldn't marry him until that time. When you are married two become one, how can that be if we don't believe in the same God?

    I'm tolerant, I'm understanding… I think a lot of men raise their eyebrows when I tell them I'm in church Sundays & Thursdays & sometimes Tuesdays… or maybe they raise em at the fact that my dad is the Associate Pastor at our church & my uncle is the HNIC. Lol. But despite what people think, the fact that I've been raised in church all my life helps me understand the human condition… the moral of the story: I'd never pass pre-empted judgement b/c he didn't go to 'church', b/c faith is about relationship w/ God.

        1. Actually had a couple people hit me up off the site like "Damn Slim. What happened to church? You fell off again?"

          lol. Yeah. I was speaking about where I was in the past vs. where I am now. I tried to keep the post somewhat neutral which is why I don't make it too obvious what I do now.

  18. It does amaze me how some women will let a man hit it, but he's not relationship material. I'm going to be honest here because in the past, I've been one of those women. I'm not anymore, but in my younger years, I claim that–but I got older and wiser.

  19. I completely agree. I'm looking for someone who has my values and while those values are based on my learnings of Christianity (and my families teaches which are also from Christianity)- I don't need you to be a Christian to be my partner. There are plenty of "Christians" with no/awful values out there too- don't be fooled.

  20. I guess I could quote a bunch of scriptures to make the point, but that doesn’t work well with some people. Macksness hit the nail on the head, at least from the female perspective. The man is the spiritual leader and priest of his house. If he believes in Nzambi Mpunguism and the woman is a Christian, how can he possibly be the spiritual leader for her?

    If you are trying to live by God’s word, then you need to be equally yoked. Too many churches don’t focus on Christian living, so people have idea how to apply Christianity to their daily lives. This is why so many people are talking about being moral without God, when that's not even the point. There are specific requirements that the Bible gives for a Christian marriage, and how can someone hold their spouse to a standard they do not believe in? Sunny made a great point: your non-religious partner or partner of a different religion will have an affect on you, and can make you slowly compromise your convictions.

  21. I love this blog because I either love or hate what you're saying. This time… I love it! What is funny about this post in particular is that your friend said she'd let dude smash (potentially…) but would never date him because he doesn't go to church. Now how Christian is that? Sexing somebody for the hell of it until your good Christian man shows up seems a bit — well, wrong. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to date or marry a man or woman of the same faith. However if a person who does not fit that 1 criteria proves to be a good person otherwise, why not give that person a try?

    I have never been a very good Christian… I can't tell you the last time I went to church on purpose (outside of funerals). But I do believe in God, just haven't figured out who's God yet. However, my husband is a Muslim. We've been married for 7 years. Although he'd like for me to be a Muslim, he knows I won't change just because he asked me to. And we do have the same value system. We think we work well together.

  22. For all the people that automatically cut people off, do you ever think that you may be the person to minister to that man or woman? Did you ever consider that you could be the person that brings that person back to God? There is a song that says "Please be patient w/ me, God is not through with me yet". Because you are further along in your spritual journey, what gives us the right to practically smite some one who is not as progressed. For whatever its worth, there have been non-christians who have been more supportive of my religion/sprirituality/relationship w/ God than many Christians. Please remember that God places people in your life for a reason and shunning them isnt one of them

    1. You are right Peyso. People are put in our lives for a reason, I was put into someone's life who showed me what a real relationship with God is and I have been used in that way too. However, you might find a man or woman who seriously commits with the hopes of converting the other person. A Muslim friend of mine ( who was very interested in me) told me point blank, I will not marry you till you convert. He said we'd be in a relationship for as long as we both could stand each other lol, but he could not make it that serious till I converted. He did not want to marry me with hopes of changing me.

    2. By not choosing to marry someone that means you're shunning them? how does that work? Nobody ever said you couldn't be friends or hang out, you just can't get married to someone who doesn't share your same beliefs

    3. On the other hand, I have experience with a buddy of mine who has no interest in getting to know Christ.

      I am a vocal Christian but I find myself watching what I say because I don't want to offend him or get put in that category with those HOLIER THAN THOU Christians.

      Could you imagine if we were dating?

      And what if that non believer has a negative thing to say for your praise?

      Me: My job got cut down to half working hours.

      NB: Well, what are you gonna do?

      Me: I'm gonna look for jobs and apply, but I'm not gonna worry about it. God will work it out.

      NB: If God was in the picture, don't you think he wouldn't have let you go through this in the first place.

      Now I know how to anwer this question as a Christian, but all it's gonna take is a few of these situations and I"m going off. I don't want to have to defend my belief everytime I turn around.

  23. I have always been taught not to tie myself to men who do not have any type of relationship with God. (2 Cor 6:14 – Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.) Going to church every Sunday is not an absolute requirement for me. It does not guarantee that you are upstanding or have a good heart. As long as a man believes in God and has an interest in deepening his spiritual walk I will not throw him away. Everyone's spiritual walk is different and tolerance is one of the most important things to me, especially as a practicing Christian.

    My official deal breaker religion-wise is probably someone being Atheist. You have a right to believe whatever you want and I respect that right, but I just don't think I can tie my life together going towards marriage with someone who doesn't believe in something that means everything to me.

    Good post Slim! It's always good to reevaluate your requirements thoughtfully and with your goals in mind.

  24. This may be one of the best posts ever written on this site…finally something of substance.

    I'm not a religious/spiritual person. And I wonder how that will effect my prospect of marrying in the future. I agree with Slim that at times the "religious" card seems like just another thing on a checklist. But then for those who say they just want a "good" person with a relationship w/ God, I then wonder are they picking & choosing what parts of Christianity they want to follow? What does a "relationship with (a) God" even mean? Do you really mean you want a person that has faith….in that case they could just have faith that everything will always work out/that things will always get better?

    1. Appreciate the comment. I started to tackle the why is spirituality important question, but I'm gonna leave that to the site visitors for today. If nobody wants to address it, I'll come back to it later on.

  25. Too many women have let the pastor become their boyfriend. These dudes are pimpin for real. They tell women, "Don't marry a man unless he comes to church and tythes." Can I interpret that in pimp talk. "Don't put no nigga before me and if you do you better still bring that money."

    How can a women submit to two men. Her husband and the pastor. She can't. So most pastors want to make sure they keep these women on lock. After all they are 70% of the church revenue.

    I used to ask my man why preachers always hate night clubs when most clubs are not that bad. He said it's competition. If you go to the club you won't come to church. Same with relationships. The pastors wants your womens time and attention. So he doesn't want her dating anyone that is not church going.

    Now what about the church. I am a God fearing person but I'm not going to anyones prosperity church. And most black churches today are prosperity churches.

    Bottom line is I would love to be with a Christian women. But not someone that puts the church and pastor before the family.

    Not to mention some women who claim to be submitted to their husbands will hide behind the church anytime they don't want to submit. They will tell you, "What you are saying is not of God." An easy out to disobey your husband whenever you want.

    I could rant on this shit for days…..:-)

    1. They’re not all prosperity churches. Yes, the black mega churches seem to be consistenly led by prosperity preachers. But for every one of those, there is a place that is bible led, with a pastor whose first concern is not how much money the congregation gives at any given time.

      And I agree. There are a lot of wolves in sheeps clothing. A Christian woman would know better than to put anyone ahead of her husband and the family. In addition, the husband has to lead his wife and family on the correct path, and make sure they stay on that path. So, if your wife is pulling that “Pastor said” after you’ve already made a biblicly sound decision on behalf of your family, then you, for lack of better words, need to check her.

      So, I guess I co-sign about 83.3%. lol.

      1. Amen.. those few that are prosperity churches give a lot of them a bad name.

        I also encourage everyone to try the church they have heard these rumors about to get their own opinion.

        For years, I wouldnt' attend my current church home because of rumors of an ATM in the church and they needed an income statement before allowing you to join, and instead stayed at my church home where I was getting nothing out of service for 27 years.

        Then a friend and I visited at my current church home and I found all rumors to be true… I have received the most inspiration there.

  26. Dr. J: “I’ve been a Christian all my life, and I say this with full conviction; most of the Christians I know are bad examples.”

    This is very true and has shaken and destroyed the faith of many people. Just remember never to mistake the “ist” for the “ism”. You can look at any religion, philosophy or political ideology, and I guarantee a large percentage of the adherents don’t follow the tenets and concepts of what they claim to believe in.

    J: "I am a God fearing person but I’m not going to anyones prosperity church. And most black churches today are prosperity churches."

    Amen to that. I hate when preachers treat Christianity like it's some hocus pocus religion with that "name-it-and-claim-it" crap. If that's what you want, go find a genie in a magic lamp.

    “JENGER”: ”…many times its an intellectual person who may be an atheist or what have you..and for me, intellect is an extreme turn on:}..”

    Sam L: ”It just seems like exceedingly successful brainwashing to me…Trust me when I say that’s even harder to find an intellectually curious man than a Christian one.”

    I’m not sure how Christianity and intellect are mutually exclusive.

  27. You know Miss May, I gave her (Wandaneesha) a virtual o_O when I read the part where she said she'd let him hit it but won't date him because he won't be at Church with her on Sunday..Ok??. Just like Dr J said, these are the examples people look at and wonder what in the world?

    Anyway, I grew up in a religiously diverse area. My parents(God bless them) raised me and my siblings to be God-fearing (not just in words but by actions) and to love (as in brotherly) any and everyone including those who are of a different faith and belief system and not be the person that tries to shove our beliefs down another's throat. However, I believe in Jesus Christ and I am working on making my relationship with him stronger and stronger everyday. I don't know how it would work if I seriously committed to or married someone who does not have the same spiritual values and beliefs (sitting in the pews does not equal same belief system) as mine. Just like I can't marry someone who has different beliefs about how they will treat their aged parents or discipline their children…we need to be able to walk and work in one accord (to the best of our abilities). We need to have certain things in common and for me, values and beliefs are one of them. I used marriage and serious commitment because that's on a different level than dating to me. I can date anyone (dating for me is an opportunity to get to know you as a person and what you are about) my dates that haven't worked out due to things like this have become close allies, business colleagues etc. I have dates turned friends who are some of the smartest men I know.

    In my parts, Muslims mostly marry Muslims (they practice Islam without the western twist to it, so they are strict on who they marry)…Traditionalists marry fellow Traditionalists (how do you pray and sacrifice to the river and your SO believes in someone totally different) and Christians marry Christians (unfortunately, people just want you to be a Christian and that's it. That's not enough). When there is a mix, it is expected that one of the parties involved is willing to convert or understand certain things that come with their beliefs.

    This looong essay was just to say, I would prefer to date someone who has the same values and beliefs as I do. In considering a serious relationship, you have to weigh a lot of things and if your belief system is important to you then I say seek out someone who believes the same as you or is trying to get on the same path. I have passed up good men who believed that their wives should be house wives and had the same spiritual beliefs as mine. Not every good man is a fit for me.

  28. My rant continued πŸ™‚

    Why would any man want to go to church. The whole thing is designed for women. The music, the dancing, the "turn to your neighbor and say that's right girlfriend." Because churches are like 70% female the churches service is now geared toward women.

    This is not me really ranting about Christianity. But the black church is really bad right now and you can't fault a dude for not wanting to be a part of it.

    It is now starting to remind of the 80s church. I grew up in the 80s when, like Jay-Z said:

    "I'm from the place where the church is the flakyest,

    And niggaz been prayin to God so long that they athiest."

    I feel if you just pray with your girl and live righteous you will probably get more out of it than some fake dude callin himself a Dr. that never went to school preaching about "Servin your man of God" "Give me a new house" "Give me a new " "Turn to your neighbor and say this…"

    1. I feel if you just pray with your girl and live righteous you will probably get more out of it than some fake dude callin himself a Dr. that never went to school preaching about “Servin your man of God” “Give me a new house” “Give me a new ” “Turn to your neighbor and say this…”

      add in some study of Bible, Qur'an, or whatever religious text of your faith, and I co-sign 100%

    2. I agree with you about the state of the black church. But I read a daily sermon that really hit the nail on the head. The preacher made a greant analogy. He wrote "I love McDonald's fries. However, everytime I go, I have to deal w/ some BS to get those fries. Either the girl w/ the attitude or the long lines or the dude that wants to charge an extra $.25 for a BBQ sauce. However, I firmly believe that the next time will be better than the last. If a McDonald's is so unbearable I wont go to that one anymore but I still seek out those fries. And when I find a McDonald's where the girl isnt so bad, the line isnt so long and the BBQ sauce only cost $.10 its because I refused to be lazy and I'll hold on to it". The bottom line is that throughout life we are very much able to seperate the service from the service provider and we do not allow sh*tty service providers to deny us a service. Why dont we do this with God?

  29. Short & sweet… The devil fears God but has no respect for man. As I continue on this journey to find the one for me as long as he believes there is a God, I'm good. He doesn't have to be on the deacon's board or volunteer at every church function. It'd be nice if we could talk about prayer & such but honestly? I don't want a religious man. I want a spiritual on and there is a difference. As long as he is comfortable with his relationship with God, as I am with mine… Cool! I don't want to feel guilty for staying in bed with him on Sunday b/c we were too tired from the night before to make it to service. I've dated dudes that could quote the Bible backwards & forward. I stopped dating them b/c they were evil or not walking the walk. Don't be in my face talking about God God God & turn around & want me to let you hit b/c we said grace over our food. As somebody said in a previous comment… "I want a great human being." As I said… The devil respects God but has no respect for man. You better check your definition of "God-fearing" brothers & sisters… Don't get caught up in the hype of showing your partner off at church. Amen? Amen. Be safe, beautiful ones.

    1. i agree with this 100%.

      "The devil fears God but has no respect for man. "

      i attend church 4 times a month maybe. that includes 2 sunday services and 2 wednesday bible study services. i talk to God a lot and i know how to read a bible. that works for me. if a woman doesn't feel the same then she can keep it moving.

  30. Supreme: ” Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do.”

    Yes, both the Bible and history records the life of a man that was sent by that invisible man. And if you are talking about the Law, there is a special list of 613 things He does not want you to do, not ten. The man sent by the invisible man summarized it all down to two commandments and provided a way for you to keep those two commandments.

    ”He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good b******* story.”

    Never mind the services that money provides (at least by any non-corrupt church). It’s no accident two of the largest charities in the world are called the Salvation Army and the Red Cross. It’s also no accident that Christians are far more likely to donate to charity (outside the church) than non-believers.

    ”I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is f***** up.”

    It truly is “f***** up.” The Bible tells us the world is ruled by a malevolent spirit seeking to steal, kill and destroy. He usurped the paradise that was supposed to be for humanity. The “f***** up” things you see in the world is the result, and why Jesus provides hope to a world sinking on its own accord. There is a reason Jesus referred to Satan as the prince of this world and Paul called him the god of this world.

    ”War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption.. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the from a Supreme Being.”

    This isn’t "the best God can do" and isn't the life to come that the "Supreme Being" promised to us. He specifically said to be in the world but not of it, and said He left to prepare a place for us since we screwed up the one He gave to us initially.

    ” Human are no different from other animals on this planet.”

    You just answered quite a few issues that you raised. If we are no different than any other animal, then how can you be upset when a human acts like an animal? You have two choices, the law of God or the law of the jungle. The morality you are attempting to impose is an artificial abstraction that no one needs to accept.

    ” ONe minute these people are catching the “holly-ghost” but as soon as they leave church and go to the “Golden Corral” for sunday day dinner, we get some of that gin in us and start saying some stuff like….”Did you see that N with in church today”….I cant stand that N….That N need to go somewhere and pray.”

    Not sure how this is an argument against God. All it does is prove the Apostle Paul was right:

    Romans 3:10 – As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one:

    Romans 3:23 – For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

    1. I'm late but let me kick some good old atheist knowledge.

      "It’s also no accident that Christians are far more likely to donate to charity (outside the church) than non-believers."

      You also have lower IQ scores, less likely to graduate college, more likely experience teenage pregnancy, and the kicker YOU ARE MORE LIKELY TO GET A DIVORCE BELIEVING IN GOD! MORE LIKELY!

      "The Bible tells us the world is ruled by a malevolent spirit seeking to steal, kill and destroy."

      Wait.. so the 2520 wuth the beard isn't almighty? I thought he ruled everything except our free will? Which bring us to a major athiest point, that ninja needs to stop taking credit for everything good and step up and take some responsibility for the bad. But i don't think he exist, so….

      we screwed up the one He gave to us initially. We?! I wasn't born yet. Why am I taking blame for another soul? If suffer is passed on through species association shouldn't salvation? Why can't I keep sinning and just get into the pearly gates on Slim's VIP pass?

      You have two choices, the law of God or the law of the jungle.

      Laws of Man anybody? Any room for the law of man? Don't forget people like me and Supreme are running off the assumption that the laws that you claim are the laws of 'god' are actually the laws of man poising as god.

      Not sure how this is an argument against God Word, I would just say: We atheist can't be swayed into believing in a god based off of logic that has a basis of a god existing. That isn't logical.

  31. N.I.A. naturally says: February 23, 2010 at 10:30 amThey’re not all prosperity churches. Yes, the black mega churches seem to be consistenly led by prosperity preachers. But for every one of those, there is a place that is bible led, with a pastor whose first concern is not how much money the congregation gives at any given time.

    ______________________

    It's funny. I grew up in an Episcopal church which is where all the bougie black people used to go. I used to think my church was weird because they didn't do all that screaming and shouting and music and holy ghost stuff. Now, I've been thinking about going back there. I see now why we didn't do that stuff.

    There has to be 10 prosperity churches for every real church in the black community. Half these dudes calling themselves Bishops and Pastors and Dr.s don't even have degrees. It's sad.

    But I don't knock anybody's religion so if I date a girl and she goes to a properity church that's OK. But I won't go every week. Maybe once a month to show support. And don't expect me to tithe to your church.

    1. The church I grew up in was one of those whoopin' and hollerin' churches, and I hated it. Mostly b/c I don't think the pastor ever says anything that warrants an "Amen Chuuch." lol. But, I don't question people who feel the holy ghost. For all I know, they may be shouting about something personal in their lives thas has nothing to do with what the pastor or choir is saying at that moment.

      And it is sad how these churches have taken over the black community. They are essentially stealing money from people. I remember once in undergrad, I visited Creflo's church. It was probably the first time I ever felt God trying to tell me something. And that something was to never step foot inside that place again.

  32. Ha. Again, haven't read any other comments, but I don't need a Bible thumper because I'm no Jesus Junkie. However, having someone who believes in something is good.

    I love when women discount men because the men would rather watch football that watch Pastor Jenkins. Go ahead and discount a man because he's not sitting on the third pew. He may be watching online. Just leaves more men for me–especially considering that there are ALWAYS more women at church than men.

  33. My rant continued πŸ™‚

    I live in Prince Georges County. I bet we have a higher concentration of mega churches than any place in the country. The Washington Post reported a few years ago that Prince Georges County reported more tax write offs for tithing than any place in the country. We talkin millions. Now according to properity doctrine, If we sowing all these seeds we should prospering like Beverly Hills. But how many people in the hood even know the name of the churches in the hood. It's like churches exist for themselves. Not to help people. Churches exist to grow themselves.

    OK imma stop now. Churches do a lot of good and I would never talk anyone out of going. It's just important to remember that a man is not bad for not going to church, despite what you hear at church. Some of us have real reasons for not going. Matter fact…even Jesus thought the church of his day was flakey

    1. Yesss, PG mega churches, gotta love them. I don't know how God feels about writing off tithes as deductions, but hey, to each his own. Just a couple points-PG folk may be prospering in ways beyond those most evident (spiritually, getting jobs, etc etc). Also, I'm sure the fact that tax write offs for tithing is the highest in PG than any other county in the country is because PG is the largest and wealthiest black county in the country. Plus, the church is very central to the black community, meaning that there are most likely many attending and giving their 10%.

      1. Oh I agree with everything you're sayin. Just makin the point that the mega churches seem to be so low profile. Not really out there in the communities that need them. Seems like today's church folk only like to deal with church folk.

  34. i am Christian and i consider myself a spiritual person. do i go to church EVERY sunday or bible study EVERY wednesday? no. but i'm not a stranger there. i study the word and i have a relationship with God.

    i would consider a relationship with a person who was of a different faith than me but as far as marriage and children i don't know how that would work. my sister is Christian and her husband is Muslim. they both practice their faiths very differently so i know it must be confusing for my nephews and nieces.

  35. Sigh. Good post. Here is my issue with this subject.

    I used to be the type of person that said a man has to be a Christian to date me. Well, at least one of the 3 main God-fearing religions. But then it hit me… By putting that requirement out there, it basically gave the devil (in the form of handsome, intelligent men) a means to attack me on the sneak tip. If a guy knows I want a Christian, all he has to do if he really wants to be with me is go through the motions for a little while til I'm attached. Sure, he might believe in God, but his @$$ won't praying or going to church before he met me. So in a way, having that as a prereq can often set you up to be fooled by a really bad person.

    So I learned my lesson. I decided that if I see a man in church, or fasting at Ramadan, or eating Kosher, it's attractive, but not a requirement. Because it's just as easy for someone to fake it til they make it as it is for someone to see God through you and want what you got. I guess I could never date a flat out Athiest cuz Jesus is just a little too involved in my life to be with someone who doesn't even acknowledge His existence (it'd be like dating someone who refused to speak to/be around my bestest friend… kinda difficult and stressful). But if he has some basic religious foundation and maybe doesn't go to church, then I think we can work with that.

    1. Good point. This happens all the time. Some men (well I'm sure some women do it too) are funny, they will call you on the phone and do the whole "let's pray" bit but it normally dies down after three months lol. It never passes the three month mark.

      *ok I need to go back to work and stop commenting*

  36. Joey stalks Slim's religious piece(s) says: February 23, 2010 at 10:55 am

    _________________________

    Excellent point. Many men and women have become masters at using religion to get what they want. They know people are more trusting if they believe you are religous. It's is great cover.

  37. While I'm a Christian and take my faith very seriously, I'm far from perfect. I engage in wanton acts of pleasure at times, let loose words slip from my mouth at others, and have thoughts that would put my devil-stomping church to SHAME! Yet, I still feel like I have strong connection to God, and live everyday of my life thanking God that he's gracious and forgiving enough not to flood me out (Noah), allow a giant whale to swallow me (Jonah), or condemn me to a fiery furnace (Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego or "A-bad-negro" as my pastor calls him lol).

    That being said, I prefer to date individuals of the same faith of mine, but most importantly, on a similar level. A holier-than-though man would turn me off, but so would an apathetic believer. There's something about having someone who can hold you accountable when you're slipping, and discuss their struggles as a Christian in this world today. That's important to me, so rather than engaging in "missionary dating" (trying to date and convert a non-believer), I prefer for the man I date to already have some type of relationship with the God I know.

    1. "There’s something about having someone who can hold you accountable when you’re slipping, and discuss their struggles as a Christian in this world today."

      I think people struggle with this in general outside of the confines of Christianity. We're all incredibly selfish, which is something I wanted to point out in the post. Great comment though.

      1. Yeah, you're right that there is a struggle with this even if you don't follow the Christian faith, but I think it comes down to how we put our struggles in perspective and work through it.

        For instance, when life wasn't going the way I wanted it to go, I went to Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future", and felt reassured that God would work it out in due time. The guy I was dating at the time (who wasn't a believer) didn't understand my reasoning for this, and couldn't grasp the fact that I believed there was someone higher than myself in control of my life's situations.

  38. I am a Christian, and I have issues with going to church. My relationship with God has always been there, but actually finding a church that addressed my spiritual needs was difficult. So, I don't knock a man if he doesn't attend church every Sunday, b/c neither do I. You may see me twice a month at 8am service Sunday morning, and once or twice a month at Bible study. Ideally, I would want a man who is more active in a good church, and is a little further along in his spiritual walk so he can be an example to me, and aid me in my spiritual growth that we may be able to grow together as a couple. Ideally…. But, I also wouldn't mind a man who may not be where I am in his spiritual walk, but is still capable to lead both of us in the right direction for our mutual spiritual growth.

    Basically, I'm open to men who may have been stagnant in their faith and trying to make their way back, as well as men who are more spiritually mature than I. Either way, I still expect him to be the spiritual leader in our relationship.

    As for different faiths, I think it is important to understand that the Big 3 are all based on very similar basic tenets of faith & morality. If he can respect me enough to understand where I am, and to understand that we really aren't that different, then I believe it can work. It's all about mutual respect.

    1. "As for different faiths, I think it is important to understand that the Big 3 are all based on very similar basic tenets of faith & morality. If he can respect me enough to understand where I am, and to understand that we really aren’t that different, then I believe it can work. It’s all about mutual respect."

      Church, Mosque, and Synagogue!

  39. You have to commend Slim for touching on this issue. Black people and their God. They love him. It's hard to talk about this issue because people have been so conditioned they can't think critically or objectively.

    So you are going to get some long winded answers because folks love to preach and they hold their soul so close to their existence that they are motivated.

  40. I'm seeing a lot of comments from women about needing a "God-fearing man." There's a huge difference, to me, between a religious and devout man and a God-fearing one. The latter term implies that the man is only doing good or going to Church because he's afraid of the implications. While a religious man goes to worship or lives his life well because he truly understand the word and wants to. I think folks should really think about what they want. Maybe you do just want the S/O that does things because they're told. Not I…

    But to answer Slim's question – people get often get caught up in the differences between religions instead of focusing on the similarities. I had the discussion with a Hindu woman the other day about how similar her religion, and some other Eastern religions, are to Judeo-Christian ones. At the base of it all we're all striving to be more God-like and at the end sit next to God (whatever name you call Him or Her).

    I'm not saying you need to break bread with every Muslim, 5 Percenter, Jewish person you meet. But if folks stopped harping on the differences and holding their religion higher than others we wouldn't have these problems and you'd be able to find relationships that weren't there.

    ::cue "We Are The World" The 1st version::

    Peace!

    1. I think some of us have a different definition of God fearing. I define mine similar to how you defined a religious man.

  41. A woman would have to be accepting of the heathen that I am. I won't give her crap about her beliefs, but I'm not being dragged to church. I make a lot of them very uncomfortable on the subject of religion but that isn't my issue.

    I've dated mostly Xtian women and was a Christian (I think) at one point in my life. Funny when I mention that, there is some underlying belief that I'm a Xtian somewhere buried deep. I think not, but it makes for interesting convo at times.

    Get with who you think best lines up with your beliefs. Avoid guys like me…I'll make your head hurt.

  42. As someone who grew up in the christian church, I personally have gone through at least 4 phases of believing, ranging from uber-christianity, to barely believing at all.

    a few years ago, after realizing that the majority of my belief system was based on shit i had been spoon-fed my entire life, i began to question EVERYTHING. and in part, i'm still there.

    still, i do believe in "God", since that's what most ppl choose to call "Him". However, I'm sure my mother would question whether the God she serves is the same God I believe in.

    I say all of that to say that, as a person who's constantly evolving/growing spiritually, I could not discriminate on a potential mate who was not of a similar faith, or who is still finding their way. If that person inherently felt that their faith was "better" than mine however, I would take issue with that (which is one of my issues with organized religion as we know them).

    I believe that spirituality is a very personal thing, something that should govern the way you live your life, and MOST belief systems have similar enough foundations that would make two people of differing faiths compatible IMO.

    1. clsmoove: ” a few years ago, after realizing that the majority of my belief system was based on shit i had been spoon-fed my entire life, i began to question EVERYTHING. and in part, i’m still there.”

      Anyone who believes a book that says seek and ye shall find shouldn’t object to this.

  43. If you don't desire to have Christ at the center of your relationship, I think it says something about your individual relationship with him as well. And putting him at the center of the relationship requires both people. I think that a significant way you show someone you love them is by helping them draw closer to God, and that is a two way street. Your significant other should be helping you do the same. How can they if that is not a desire they have in their own heart?

    Finding someone "equally yoked" is an important thing, but I don't think it necessarily means finding someone at the exact same point you're at in your spiritual walk. I would hope though, that in your journey together you both are continuing forward in your spiritual walk, rather than the opposite.

    My belief system makes me better than absolutely nobody and I would never sit on my high horse and claim someone isn't "good enough" because I'm a christian and they aren't. But being a christian that subscribes to what is taught and instructed in the bible, I think that entering into romantic relationships with someone who has a like-minded belief system is an important criteria.

    1. "If you don’t desire to have Christ at the center of your relationship, I think it says something about your individual relationship with him as well. And putting him at the center of the relationship requires both people. I think that a significant way you show someone you love them is by helping them draw closer to God, and that is a two way street."

      I definitely agree with this, and there's a way to do it without making the other person feel threatened or some other type of unpleasant way. I think part of what's happening with a lot of folks now is that relationships aren't even getting to this point because people are getting screened out pretty quickly just off the strength they aren't where the person would like them to be at that moment in their spiritual journey…whatever that may be.

      1. This discussion has lead me to do a little research of my own concerning marrying outside of your faith. I must say that as a Christian, I stand corrected (assuming that I haven't taken the following passage out of context)

        I Corinthians 7:12-16

        12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

        15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

        I will definitely be researching for further information on this passage, but maybe marrying outside of your faith isn't as bad as everyone is making it? I do know that when Paul wrote this passage he was addressing the question of what people should do when they get a new found faith in Christ as he states later…

        I Corinthians 7:24

        24 Brothers, each man, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation God called him to.

        Maybe it only refers to people who are already married but THEN find faith in Christ, and he's telling them to just stay with the spouse they already have?

        1. Read up some more, and this passage is only in reference to those individuals who, for whatever reason, are married to someone outside of their faith but are looking for a way to get out of it…apparently, there were some who thought their new faith in Christ would automatically dissolve their marital union, and Paul was just addressing the issue.

  44. Its not a huge deal breaker for me, but it can definitely cause discord in the household when one spouse is a faithful church-going member and the other isn't. Sometimes discord happens even if they both go to church…just not the same one.

    I'm Pentecostal (Apostolic specifically) but have dated guys who don't go to church at all but believe in God, guys of different religions, even a Muslim (man he was fine…too bad I deleted his phone number).

    With regard to religion the only kind of guys that I won't date are those who are atheist. I've found that there's too much debating and arguing in those situations. I'm also turned off by guys who claim not to go to church because they despise organized religion and all preachers are {insert whatever attribute you want, usually involving money}…I don't know all preachers, how can they?

    I want a peacefully, harmonious relationship. If religion issues are causing problems that person has to go.

    1. I make it a point not to dog anyone's church or pastor. I think if it works for you…than that's good. Different things work for different people. But if a female asks me to join her for church…I do want to know a little about the church. But I can pretty much stomach anything if it is once a month or so. But if a women expects me to listen to her beliefs and conform to them….she opens the door to critisism. Not to long ago a friend was talkin about their pastor this and that. And another friend was like, "Your man calls himself a Bishop. How did he get that title? Who is he affiliated with? Where did he study?

      I don't think that is slamming someone's church. I think those are legitimate questions to ask if I am going to listen to someones spiritual instruction.

      1. “Your man calls himself a Bishop. How did he get that title? Who is he affiliated with? Where did he study?

        I don't think those questions are slamming someone's church either (and I can answer those questions about my Pastor).

        I recently met a guy who made it his business to slam organized religion, churches (the house of worship, not the chicken shack), and anything of a religious, spiritual, or biblical nature. Yet he wanted to quote scripture as his basis for why Black people are God's chosen people 😐 He was pissed when I pointed out that he was misquoting a certain scripture..as in he changed a word in a particular passage (you change a word, you change the meaning of a sentence). Needless to say he and I doubt that he and I will not be having too many further conversations.

        1. I meant "I doubt he and I will be having many further conversations"

          Where's the friggin EDIT button????

  45. As I've mentioned before I grew up in church however I'm not religious. I'm spiritual and I wouldn't skip ouT on dating ir marrying someone bc of their religion. I only require that he isn't an atheist and doesn't try to hinder my spirituality or our future children. Right now my bf is actually encouraging me to fast for lent and he's not Christian.

    Btw- someone further up commented abt Muslims marrying Muslims, that's not quite true. A Muslim man can marry a woman that's not Muslim if she's a woman if the book. Meaning Jewish or Christian.

    1. I meant to say in my parts…I mentioned it but it wasn't clear. It is popular in the West but not as popular and successful where I'm from (ofcourse there are exceptions).

  46. Good topic.

    I'm not super religious, but I do attend church a couple times a month and I speak to God every day. About random stuff, important stuff, just whatever is on my heart at any given moment. Because of that, I choose to only date men that recognize God in their lives, as well.

    Church attendance is…semi-important. I need to know that you go, that you're willing to increase your attendance/observance as you grow in your faith, and that you're willing to show your future children that same path. Why do I want to know those things? Because, that's what I plan to do.

    So, if we have the potential to get serious, I need to know that we have the ability to grow together (isn't that what marriage is about?) with as little conflict as possible.

    I DO NOT need you giving me the side eye when your mom's cancer miraculously disappears and I say, "Praise Jesus." Uh-uh. Nope. I need you to know that Jesus healed your mama, playa.

    Now, if you believe that Allah or some other deity healed your mom, or if that was the work of science – cool. Do you. I respect it. I don't hate it. But, I won't date/marry it.

  47. i understand that there is a difference why some folks do go to church, or don't go, some are lazy, some have beef with a particular church, and some have beef with 'faith'.

    me personally, i'm a dude, i'm the head of the house. so i'll be a church, because being around others who believe like i believe, helps in my walk so that i don't feel alone, in a sense. a woman who doesn't believe, that's fine with me, she just won't be on my team.

    also, i understand that churches don't have the best reputation in some areas. that being said, folks have to work it out within their church, to refocus their meaning outside of the church walls…setting up programs to benefit the community should be a priority

  48. Hugh Jazz says: February 23, 2010 at 10:25 amDr. J: “I’ve been a Christian all my life, and I say this with full conviction; most of the Christians I know are bad examples.”

    ___________________________

    Man nothing upsets me more than, and I have to say ladies cause men generally don't do this…..but ladies that thump the Bible on the job. And everybody they don't get along with or everyone they have conflict with….it's because that person is not holy. I've literally seen them talkin scripture one minute and gossiping the next. Oh and of course they have a cross around their neck. Oh and if you point out that we lost 25% revenue last quarter….your are not Christian for not believing God will provide.

    Sometimes I think the more people talk about God the less they are rolling with him.

  49. I concur with the others, this is a good post!

    Amos 3:3
    Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?
    Sorry, not tryna take y’all to church, but this was the 1st thing that popped into my mind after I read this post. When people get married, they have agreed to journey through life together. How can they do that if one is a believer and the other is not?

    Personally, I believe in God and I know Jesus to be my Lord and savior. I would like whomever I embark on a relationship with, to have like values. I was raised Baptist, but I now attend a nondenominational church, where we focus on connecting and helping each other reach our God potential.

    Going to church every Sunday does not make you God fearing; being religious does not mean you are spiritual. My ideal man (as it pertains to his faith) would be someone who is actively trying to live the way the Bible has instructed us to. I’m not perfect, so I am not saying that he has to be; but I’d like us to be able to worship together, pray together and aid one another in our spiritual quest to be Christ-like. Would I date a man who was an atheist/agnostic? No, but we could definitely be friends. I believe there is a reason that people are put into your life. Maybe I was placed in his life to box him upside his head with my Bible and dash holy water pon him bring him to the path towards the Lord.

    1. Here's the slippery slope that you skate. Using the Bible as the word of God. Outside of the quotations of God or Jesus, you have to objectively look at what the prophets, apostles and other evangelists of Christianity said throughout the Bible.

      At the end of the day to me it's almost like saying, my pastor said I shouldn't date non-believers. Who said your pastor is right? Isn't that reflective of his interpretation of the word?

      I'm just shoulder shrugging…

      1. LOL this is super cheesy but I was taught this as a child and never forgot it: B.I.B.L.E. Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth

        I was taught, and I believe, that the Bible IS the word of God. Outside of the quotations of God/Jesus, it's a record of His interactions with the apostles and prophets, etc. For me, the Bible is a source of truth and a sets a standard on how I should live my life.

      2. Outside of the direct quotations, I view the Bible as a big book of fables, not necessarily lies though. A story that is supposed to teach us a lesson and impart some wisdom on us, not to be taken as an absolute truth (at least not all the time)

        1. I may have chosen my words incorrectly. You're right, it's not "absolute truth", all the time. I take heed to the lessons being provided from the "Good Book", and try (stress "try") to incorporate them into the moves I make in life.

        2. Peyso, having spoken to my Educational Pastor about Biblical interpretation, I can understand why you think its a book of fables. Its not. Men wrote the Bible but it was divinely inspired. To truly understand a good deal of what is in the Bible, one needs to study it. Many people agree that if you spend less than 10,000 hours studying/practicing something you haven't mastered it. Same with the Bible, the more you put in, the more you get out of it. Read it as a story book first, get confused, re-read it again and then maybe tackle the Hebrew language to get the original meaning, I promise you'll be blown away.

    2. "When people get married, they have agreed to journey through life together. How can they do that if one is a believer and the other is not?"

      i think this is where i would draw the line as far as being with someone who has different religious beliefs. good comment.

  50. I'm super late and not sure if anybody else expressed these sentiments in comments already (too many to read), but to me it's like this:

    I truly believe that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life, and that no one can get to Heaven but through Him. As such, I plan to raise my children accordingly to know, love, and serve Christ. Based on my experience within my own family and upon the experiences of some friends, I believe that it would be much more difficult to do so if my mate was a non-Christian. This is my number one reason for desiring to date/marry someone of the same faith.

    In addition, there are things about my faith walk, spiritual side, etc etc, that I desire to share with my mate and have him know and understand where I’m coming from….it just seems more difficult to do so if there’s a religious difference.

    I did give it a shot though; dated a Buddhist and a Muslim back to back and although they were supportive of my faith, it just wasn’t the same as having somebody really get where I was coming from.

  51. Read this completely…

    First, I've said this so many times in the past year: Know what atheist is. Atheist doesn't mean that you don't have a belief system or faith. Dictionary people…

    Even though I like this post, I hate the conversations that come from it. People are so closed minded that they forget that during a relationship both people should grow in step but also as individuals. In a relationship, you would want the person to be open to how you see the world. So I don't care too much for church or the Christian belief system as a whole, but I wouldn't mind going to church with a lady I liked a lot. Why? Not because, I want to be converted. But because just like with anything else, I want to be involved or even just LEARN about the things that are important to her… PERIOD. That's all there is to it. Regardless of what each person believes, to totally dismiss someone just because they are different than you is so elementary. Damn… now if I said that I wouldn't date a woman seriously that wouldn't give head then 75% of women would say I was wrong to dismiss an otherwise great person just for that. Some of the more intelligent people would say it would be best to find out why the lady has that stance and to see of there's some middle ground and even if there's no middle ground, there are some other aspects of that lady that may yield it worth to just take that 'L'. Why can't people use that mentality here? But oh wait… this is faith. Faith that if you can't find someone exactly like you in that respect, then it won't work in the long run. Without sharing the same belief system there's no evidence that it will work or that either or your supreme being(s)/powers give support for your relationship. But believing in something without evidence… isn't that faith? So what did I just do there? I just proved that totally dismissing a person based on the fact that their different belief system is different from yours shows that your faith is incomplete on a basic level. Not saying you should sit by and wait for someone to convert. That's definitely the wrong approach. But have faith that your God loves to see good things… PERIOD. People are trying to be together in the purest way, just out of shear interest. If it doesn't hurt/endanger either person, then why doubt that YOUR GOD won't support a relationship with a person who's open and accepting you what you believe regardless of any differences. Now, isn't that a miracle?

    It is trivial to dismiss people on the premise of us being not the same. Like someone will ever be the same as you, in any way, regardless of what they say, regardless of what you see them do. :-/

    Hopefully, I answered Slim's questions.

    I dislike how people try to quantify if someone walks as certain path based on the idea if there's some book to quote or a formal name for it. That in itself is a reason for dismissal in my book. Are you really open-minded? Or do you just have an open-minded front with 'have pity of your soul' mentality? On this topic, people make me sick…

    1. Great comment. I think you made your point well. Though I do go to church, believe in God, and all that, I still feel similar to the way you do. Some people think I'm contradicting myself, but I just think I'm keeping an open mind while working on becoming a better person overall with the assistance of some good life lessons and faith in a higher being. And with what I believe in, if I'm not making myself better I can't ask anyone else to be better. And if I am making myself better as a person, I'm obligated to the same for others whether it be through my words or my actions.

    2. MeteorMan, if you're single, that's just confirmation to me that women don't know what the Hell we're doing. true insight is so much more appealing than an ability to regurgitate scripture.

  52. I really respect your POV Slim, and I love the way you explain things. I do agree that you should be tolerant of folk who might not have the same belief as you. Hell, just because someone is willing to go to church with you now don't mean that they will be later. Many a husband sits at home while the wife totes the kids to church. At the same time, not being on the usher board/at church every Sunday doesn't mean you have any less faith in God. I do think it is important to explore the faith that someone has. Just because it is different does not mean it isn't real.

    I think the difficulty can come when you are going the distance with someone and are trying to decide how to raise the child…

  53. Wow….so she can have pre-marital sex **aka** fornicate (biblical word) with him and then it's a deal breaker because he's not in church on Sunday??? Sounds a little hypocritical to me…..just sayin.

  54. This chick's logic is a good example of why so many people are turned off by the major religions. How in the heck are you ok with casual sex, but you dismiss a man simply because he doesn't attend church? What "good book" is she reading from? If God won't bless your relationship with a "non-Christian", He sure as heck won't turn the other cheek at your fornicating ways. Get yourself in order before you pass judgement. GTHOH.

  55. This post was just…perfect. I've been lurking for a bit and this post is one of the reasons I'm not leaving haha. Well, I'm a believer of some sort. I don't think I count as christian even though my image of God is based on my Christian upbringing. I'm probably closer to buddhist if you want to get fundamental. I'm definitely open to dating/marrying a person of ANY religious background (atheist) included as long as we have similar moral ground. There are tenets of every faith that I cannot reconcile with my personal world view so I doubt I will get serious with anyone who is devout about anything other than using their [email protected] brain lol. Basically, Christians, Jews, Muslims etc who's view of things like gender relations, child rearing, race relations and other stuff that's important to me will get the boot if we are not compatible. For example I would be cutting off any potential boos who would cosign the statement "some rape victims were asking for it". But I guess it just boils down to what's important to different people. Before you get in a relationship with anyone organize your priorities. And don't move them for any one person!! If God is number one on your list, pick some one who has God at the top of their list too. Don't think you're gonna be the one to change their priorities. That's just a divorce/ breakup waiting to happen ….

  56. I am involved in a serious, committed relationship with a man whose faith differs from mine. It has not been easy, and given the choice- I wouldn't have chosen to fall in love with someone whose belief system differs from mine. Although some people believe you control who you fall in love with- I wasn't able to.

    That said, we have an amazing relationship and a very deep respect for one another. He is spiritually questioning all of the things he's been raised to believe. (Read: brainwashed.) I have a strong faith- that I've proven to myself through studying and reading God's Word. That's one of the things he loves about me- and he's happy to discuss the Bible and his faith with me on a regular basis.

    We're committed to settling our religious differences before having children in order to present a unified front.

    That being said— it's not easy; but it's also not impossible. Christians should remember not to judge-and that no sin is worse than any other.

    How is the man that leaves the club at 4am and goes straight to church from Waffle House better than the man who prefers to spend his Saturday night relaxing with you and his Sunday morning with his family?

    Be more concerned with "the secret person of the heart" than whether everyone sees your S/O worshiping with you.

    Fronting happens in public, but divorces happen at home.

  57. I LOVE this post!

    People always want that ideal mate but don’t even embody those ideals themselves.

    And just cuz someone goes to church doesn’t mean their righteous or even marriage material. Ask God for discernment and work on becoming a better you. You can’t attract a God fearing man if you not a God fearing woman. -Law of Attraction- #imjustsaying

    Sidenote: Its a higher probability of finding a good man outside the church.
    And beware of false prophets.

    Roo to da Articulate Bruh!lol

LEAVE YOUR COMMENT

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Get SBM Delivered

Get SBM Delivered

Single Black Male provides dating and relationship
advice for today's single looking for love

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Pin It on Pinterest

Shares
Share This