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Momma Said I Can Do Better Than You

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My daughter can do better than you! Grr!

Antwan: Hey baby. Let me talk to you. I just found out some news…
Beth: Yeah boo. What’s up?
Antwan: I just got a call from my mom. **sigh**
Beth: Everything okay?
Antwan: Yeah. Sorta. No one is sick or passed away.
Beth: Okay great. So what is it?
Antwan: This girl I used to mess with 5 years ago showed up at my momma crib with a kid. She said it’s mine and wants me to get some blood work done to prove it.
Beth: What?!
Antwan: Yeah. I gotta go tomorrow for the paternity test.
**2 days later**
Antwan: Yeah, it’s mine. I love you baby.
Beth: I love you too, but my momma isn’t gonna stand for you having a baby momma. I think we need to delay the wedding. She’s gonna give me that talk about how I can do better like she always does
**Antwan is simultaneously reinvigorated, frustrated, and saddened**
Antwan: Your mother…always got something to say. Eff her opinion! No offense.

There are a couple of issues at play in this scenario. The man caught a really bad break. It’s a good thing he didn’t go on Maury because there would have been no back-flips for him. The other thing is his girl basically wants to delay marriage because she’s worried about what her mother is going to say and think about her being married to a man with a stray seed. Though this type of situation decreases with age, it most certainly does still occur.

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If I were in this situation, the only thing I’d be certain of is that I’d fulfill my obligations as a father. I don’t want some kid growing up to hate me because his mom filled his head with foolishness about me. Nobody in my family is a deadbeat and I’m not going to be the first one. I also couldn’t see myself proposing **shivers** to a chick who didn’t know how to stand up to her family.

Quite honestly, I don’t care if shorty’s mom doesn’t love or like me as long as she does. We’d just have to have one of those Monster-in-Law type relationships until “mommy dearest” slips on a banana peel and can’t come over to the crib anymore. Sh*t, I’ve been disliked by a girl’s parents before. It wasn’t because I put her into a human pretzel of anything in particular I did other than be born of non-Caribbean parents. That relationship fizzled because I couldn’t even go to her crib when I was in her town. I, a working professional and full-time grown ass man, had to stay at a hotel and sneak around on some Romeo and Juliet type mess. I know a few other men that have endured similar tomfoolery with their boo’s parents and none of those guys are with those chicks anymore either.

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On the other hand, I have isolated accounts of women not being liked by their boo’s mother. And even in those situations where the mom doesn’t like the girl, the men have stayed with their respective shorties and basically put up a fight with their parents to ensure their girl felt respected at the least. I wonder nowadays at what age do women people stop listening to their parents because this phenomenon seems to affect one gender more than the other. I know most of the people visiting this site aren’t on a leash and probably don’t have a parent finding something wrong with every significant other and telling them they can do better, but I really am curious.

I touched on a couple things here, so there are a few questions. Ladies, what would you do if you were engaged and your man found out he had a stray seed? What would you tell your family? Fellas, how would you handle this? Everybody, at what point does the opinion of your parents or those who brought you up not matter anymore? And lastly, why can’t a regular Black guy date a woman with Caribbean parents in peace?lol. No shots. Just reflecting.

Momma said there’d be blogs like this,

Twitter: @slimjackson Website: www.threewaystotakeit.com

Comment(65)

  1. Ya know, my ole Caribbean Momma called me tonight to encourage me to watch the Season Finale of the Bachelor. Apparently the guy picked the girl that everyone else HATED, his own family was even hesitant about her. My Mommy thought it was admirable of him to stand up to his family, since he would be the one spending the rest of his life with her.

    There is a difference between your family/Mother identifying traits that they think could be potentially troubling versus disliking someone without merits. I think its important to balance their commentary with the person you know and what you ultimately want for yourself.

    On that Caribbean tip, some immigrant families still haven't gotten over that eight job having, always too tired to blink family from "In Living Color". They expect the men their daughters bring home to be a professional or work eight jobs. Sorry Slim! Lol.

  2. I would postpone the wedding, but not b/c of what my family would say. i would wait because this is a new element to our relationship and we need to figure this thing out together. Why would I leave b/c he has a child he didn't know about? It's not his fault the woman didn't tell him. But we would need time to get to know the kid as well as the mom and develop a rapport with them. If this all works out then proceed as planned.

    I'd tell my family the truth. Like Slim said there aren't any deadbeats in my family and they wouldn't want me to marry one either. I love my parents and my family, but I know what works and doesn't work for me. I'll listen to what they have to say and take it into consideration but ultimately i'll go with my instincts.

    BTW- Slim you're regular black? I thought you were Caribbean. Shout out lol we're low in #s.

    1. UGH! What the hell is regular black? Scuse me so I can go off for a minute. Why do Black Americans refer to themselves as "regular black". Since when is being "regular" ok? I'm really not trying to come for you Satya, but honestly there is nothing "regular" about being Black. There is a proud history of struggle and a rich heritage to embrace. Please stop calling yourself "regular".

      1. **Tilts head slowly like a confused puppy.**

        Hmm. Be right back…

        http://www.threewaystotakeit.com/black-west-india

        Back. There's a post for everything.

        As for your comment, I think you might be taking this a bit too serious. In my experience, and it seems Satya gets this, most of my friends and many of those people I know in real life and online rep a flag other than just the American flag. And when I was in school, people would ask me where I was from. I'd say Upstate NY and then they'd say "Nooo, where you are you from from? Like what island or what African country?" #truestory

        I also know a large number of people that don't like being called Black or African American because they're from a nice island or African country. Granted, we're all from some African country, but I think you know what I mean.

      2. I call it just black. I'm black and nothing else. Regular black american. If you're caribbean then you aren't regular black

  3. Of the guy had a kid, that does indeed complicate things. But it shouldn't kill our relationship as long as he's not trying to leave me justto make a "happy family" with shorty with the kid. We can still be together. No deadbeats. That child can have a poppin step mom Sue ^_^ (that's meee)

    And as far as my parents' opinions, my mom still has her ignorant moments and doesn't want us (sisters and I) marrying or even dating non-Nigerians. Smh too bad cuz I LOVE West Indians. And she would definitely try and talk me out of being with him. Because she's one for "happy families".

    To me, as long as (insert s.o.) is doing his job as a dedicate father, and still doing his job as a SO, everyone is happy… Althought I do HATE BM drama… Working with child support fucked me up…BAD..

  4. I'm the one that has to deal with the man up close and personal so I wouldn't let my parents influence my decision to be with someone. I would respectfully listen to their concerns because afterall they have been married over 30 years, but at the end of the day the decision would be mine.

    As far as the finding out before the wedding he had another kid out there, I would definitely hold off on any plans to marry him until I could sort out if this was a situation that I would be prepared to deal with…extra kid equals extra cash equals possible baby mama drama…not so sure about that one.

  5. I wouldn’t be worried about what my parents thought, but I would postpone the wedding to sort things out. I would want to know when this baby was conceived and whether it was during the time we were together. Once that is settled, I would want to sort out child support and make sure he was willing to be an active part of this child’s life b/c I can’t stand deadbeat dads and would not marry one.

    I can’t speak on Caribbean mothers or families because my family is not from there. However, I know that Africans can be just as bad with those things, but I know a lot of those preconceived notions come from negative stereotypes about Black American people. However, this applies to all ethnicities and groups. My ex-stepfather is Black American and his family treated my mother terribly and it was only because my mother is African. Their hostility came from stereotypes that they not only had about Africans, but also immigrants. In the end, that was the reason why my mother and stepfather broke up, the family pressure was too much for the both of them. So I think in general people of all groups and ethnicities can get caught up in the nonsense of prejudging a family member’s SO who is not of the same ethnicity or group.

  6. i agree with the posts…

    i would also pospone the wedding simply to see how this new situation plays out.

    ive been in the situation where my peoples (fam) didnt like my ex boyfriend…they had good reasons, but i never cared. im the type to follow my heart…not somebody elses. they used to tell me that i could do better, but it just depends on what one classifies as "better". i go by personality and mentality…not looks, body or material possessions.

    on the other hand, ive also had parents not like me for no reason at all. even though their son wasnt in school and worked at mcdonalds and i was in college at the time and had a car (and he didnt). just saying that they had no reason to dislike me because im actually quite shy when i first meet people. so it wasnt like im a disrespectful type of person. i always wondered why they didnt like me.

    but i do feel that its important for my family to approve of the guy. they just care if he has a job and treats me right. i never understood parents who were so overly imvolved in their kids love lives. as long as he does not beat her and treats her ok, then stay the hell outta their business….

    1. #umquestion

      Why were you dating a guy who wasn't in school, (I guess this is important to you because you called it out), and WORKED AT MCDONALDS?!

      #imjustsaying

      "No we're the cream of the crop, you're just the brown sticky sh*t at the bottom of the barrel." – Shemar Moore in The Brothers

  7. I don't think saying I'm regular American black takes anything away from my heritage. I grew up in NYC and had a rainbow coalition of friends. All my friends repped flags other than the American flag. Additionally, I only say things like this in front of my friends who are very well aware of the rich history of American black people.

    Like Slim said when ppl ask where I'm from and I say the US I always say "but where are your parents or grandparents from?" so I started saying I'm regular American black or my ancestors decided to end their luxurious cruise at the first stop.

    1. "so I started saying I’m regular American black or my ancestors decided to end their luxurious cruise at the first stop." HAHAHAHAHA! I got you! We're all the same people, just got off at different tourist destinations…

  8. "stray seed"
    …how about we say child, lol?

    "What would you tell your family?"
    What could I say other than the truth? I would tell my Mama that Mr Mister found out that he had a child from a previous relationship and wants to be a part of his/her life. Knowing my Mama, she would ask me how I felt about it (she knows I wouldn't leave) and stay beside US and support US.

    "Everybody, at what point does the opinion of your parents or those who brought you up not matter anymore?"
    For me, it never stops mattering what she (my dad passed away) says. The way I handle what she says does. I ask her opinion all the time, take it with a grain of salt and keep it moving.

    "And lastly, why can’t a regular Black guy date a woman with Caribbean parents in peace?"
    *makin mi eye pass yuh* in other words*giving you the seerrrius Guyanese sideye*!!!

  9. I would marry a man who found out he had a stray seed — but only if he was willing to be a good father to the child. If he decided to leave the child behind, that would give me a hint of what I may expect when I have his child. What would I tell my family? If I loved him for real, I'd tell them the truth like the grown ass woman I am and put up with the comments from the family.

    Can a "regular" black guy date a woman from the Caribbean? I asked a similar question when I was dating my now husband. I met him in his country in Africa. His mama had issues because I was not a local girl. My family had issues with me dating an African (who was also a Muslim) because they thought he'd be overbearing, beat me regularly, and lock me away in the closet. None of which actually happened. We married after 2 years of dating and are still together almost 8 years later. I'm sorry you had to put up with all of the ducking around with your Caribbean girl. If she loved you like she claimed she did (did she?), she would never have done that.

  10. If me & the SO have gotten to the point where we're engaged to be married I'm sure the padres are going to encourage us to find a way to solve/reconcile/work through the issue before us. Marriage is no laughin matter in my fam…

    I cant fault him for finding out that he had a child he didn't know anything about. As much as I love children, I don't think we'd have an issue. However, I may suggest the idea of postponing our nuptials so that we can decide how to re-arrange our lives for a sudden addition.

    As far as my parents go w/ their thoughts on the significant other… I'll quote Macksness "There is a difference between [my] family/Mother identifying traits that they think could be potentially troubling versus disliking someone without merits. I think its important to balance their commentary with the person you know and what you ultimately want for yourself."

    I have never known my parents to be unbalanced in this way and if they had some red flags they'd wish to talk to me about… I'd gladly hear them out, but them disliking someone for no reason isn't likely. It is important to me that my SO & family get along b/c I don't plan on cutting either of them short, just like I would hope that his family loves me the same way he does.

    Btw, sometimes 'regular' black is the only way you can explain it. A lot of my friends are of African descent & I'm culturally sensitive, aware & open to alot of thing so their parents/family/friends tend to ask… "where are you from?" A normally get a cock-eyed look when I tell them Me, my parents & grandparents are all from MD/Mississippi. Like… really? Hm.

    Signed,

    An extra regular blak chik

  11. LOL at the black american/caribbean dynamic. Its all about having a similar upbringing. Ask any Haitian. Once parents find out you're Haitian too, they can reveal their true self. They can beat their kids infront of you and know that you won't flinch. They can ether any family member and know that you won't judge. They can ask you any question and DEMAND an answer. if you're from any other caribbean country, its just as bad!

    I haven't run into a situation where I was hated by parents, well check that. There was that one time where I was being slandered by a chicks ex bf to her parents and when the moms saw me she was one step short of putting a restraining order on me. We peaced it up though, lol.

    I think as long as you show respect, that is all you truly owe a parent. You have to live your own life at some point!

  12. What would I do

    -We would definitely hold off on any wedding plans. I need to ensure that he starts taking care of the child (not just financially) and building a relationship with the child. It is a tough spot to be in, and he might be conflicted about leaving his new found family, so I need to make sure he still wants to get married (I have seen a lot of "I want to try and make it work with the mother and kid(s)", I will not stand in the way of a child's happiness ). The engagement might be completely called off, if the child was conceived while we were together.

    Family Opinions

    I love ma famille!!!! They are the typical W.African Family (all in your business…to an extent). They will give you their opinion but get behind whatever you decide to do. (Uggh I miss them so).

    Black Man dating Caribbean

    A Black Man..scratch that, an American dating one of my family members. As of right now, tis not going to happen. Well, they can date, but no marriage. My family will back anyone but an American. They didn't use to be this way till we had a number of crazy experiences.

    Great post Slim!!

  13. My SO is hatian and I'm cool with her parents. I think it helps that I'm from Brooklyn and fully versed in the ways of the carribbean people. I know that Hatians make the best rice, and Trini's for Roti, Guyanese for Curry, a random small island for Jerk and Jamaica for the ackee, saltfish and oxtail.

    Suprisingly (or not) being in the only fraternity that matters has been more of a deterrent than my heritage

    1. I'm not shocked that your frat got hated on (y'all have bad stereotypes), but I am shocked that a haitian family actually knew what a frat was. Haitian born immigrants usually aren't up on game like that.

      I can't stand hard-headed people and lets face it, Carribeans are hard headed. I knew I had to fight my mother on every way I chose to live my life b/c her family believes that a child owes their entire life to the dreams of their parents despite the child's misery. I was ready to battle for the right to marry a bad dominican, but some how I managed to marry a bad haitian. I wasn't going to break up with her just to prove a point.

      The problem Slim faced is that Haitian girls are scared to stand up to their fathers, and the dads are hard headed beyond belief and think they know everything despite the fact that they grew up on an island smaller than maryland and poorer than AIG. I'll brag about being Haitian all day long, but as we say "tèt la dur" … people love their parents to much they can't see past their faults.

      1. Her older bro is an Alpha Chapter Alpha and her pops is a college professor. They dont like the good bruhz smh lol

        1. LMAO @ streetz.

          I would say bring some 5 star Barbancourt.

          But I remember you saying some story about her parents don't even drink on some Christian tip.

        2. Naw, they just dont drink. Aint no religion involved lol. I think I saw them have a glass of wine ONCE. (This is in a year and half mind you)

  14. Great post SJ.

    The wedding is OFF! I'm not fooling myself…This needs time. As the other women said above, there needs to be some investigation. I need to see the impact that having a step-child will have on my relationship over time. Quite honestly, I always planned on starting my own family.

    What would you tell your family? I will tell my family that the wedding is off, and when they ask why, I will inform them.Honestly, everyone in my family will tell me their opinions, but I know that they trust my judgement enough. My family has dealt with situations as such.

    I was raised by Jamaicans parents. We came to this country and black Americans were the enemy(seriously). My parents are very strict and they had these preconceived notions that if you were black, your parents just allowed you to roam the streets. Honestly everything that my parents once believed were based on stereotypes, and I'm happy that they now understand this. From what I've seen, many immigrants believe that they are more strict as parents. I know Jamaican parents and others that just need to a get a grip. So this stereotype was thrown out the window..

    I've never had someones parents not like me. My ex was Puerto Rican and his mother believed every stereotype in the book. When I came to her door, I don't know if she expected the crazy Jamaican female, with multi-colored hair, jumping around and dancing on her head top…but she loved me..Maybe she was so relieved that she loved me more!

  15. I never dated someone from the Carribean, so I guess I don't have an opinion on that matter. Also can't relate to a girl's parents not liking me. Usually their disappointed I didn't marry her.

    But regarding my significant other being hesitant to marry me because of what her parents think, well, I think I'd need to find a new significant other. If we did get married, that ugly issue is going to reoccur during the marriage. Something will happen, and she will take her parents' side instead of mine, or let her parents' opinion hold more weight than mine in our marriage. If you want me to be your husband, then we need to come to an understanding about things that happen in our marriage. If you want to defer to your parents, then you want to be a child, not a wife.

  16. I'm not gonna lie … while I don't feel this chics need to go talk to Mama Dukes about the current situation, I do feel her need to postpone the wedding. I mean, a surprise son is a big big deal, and if I got hit with that surprise I would prolly postpone things as the dude.

    I just want the dust to settle before the wedding. Don't want the new Baby Mama running up in the chapel and falling on the ground crying n sh*

  17. Mothers actually love me. And my mother raised me well, i've never introduced her to anyone she wouldn't like. So I don't know…

    I have had friends tell me I could do better. But then again, I do date a lot of "hood" chicks.

    1. Tell me Dr J?

      What is it you like about these 'hood chicks'?

      What are they providing that some chick with a stick up her behind doesn't have?

      1. The reason why I put the word in quotations is because people call chicks hood, but I'm not really sure if i've ever been able to tell what that meant.

        Being from DC, I love my SE shorties, love my PG County honeys, and so i'll date them. I just like the way they carry themselves. The ones with class though, not some ignent chick who needs to find Jesus.

        I never got down with chicks from Bowie or the Mont. County like that in the suburbs because they seemed like they were stoosh and stuck up. Couldn't enjoy a good laugh, but at the same time knowing how not to throw a temper tantrum because things aren't peachy clean is the bomb.com

  18. of every woman that i've ever dated seriously i can say with confidence that their parents have liked me. i'm pretty sure of it. if i did come across a woman who's parents didn't like me for whatever reason, i'm sure that as long as she was into me it wouldn't be a problem. sure, you want your significant other's parents to like. it brings less stress and drama into the relationship.

    i've never dated a Caribbean woman, so i really don't know about how their parents interact with men they date. on the flip side, my parents did tell me when i was younger that if i didn't marry a Nigerian woman (or at least a West African woman) that they would never approve of the marriage. now would be happy if/when i get married. my sister eloped and my brother has a child and is not married (to an American). i think they just would be happy attending one of their children's weddings. i'll probably be their only hope.

    1. OMGoodness, how have your parents not sent you back home out of fear?! Those are probably two of the biggest Nigerian faux pas EVER! But I'm seeing it happening more often, too much cultural pressure mehnnnn!

      1. lol. there is no way they would have sent me back. i wasn't a problem child. i see that happening a lot with Nigerian children who give their parents a lot of trouble. *shrug*

        1. Sadly, some of them come back worse than when the left, with a stronger accent, and a little toastier. Happened to my cousin! He came back and was just belligerent; cussing and carrying on, sounding like he was straight out of a Nollywood film. They're still stuck in that whole corporal punishment thing, which clearly doesn't work if the child is over 7 years old.

        2. I can relate…

          fail a call, you have to do summer school in Haiti. My fake cousin use to ship both kids to Haiti every year b/c he liked the catholic schools better…. than the earthquake happened… they go to school here now.

      2. Haha! My parents threatened my little brother with that all the time. My mom would threaten all of us with sending our bikes and toys on a shipment back home because we didn't know how to appreciate them and she knew they would.

        1. Hahaha, or like my Aunt tells her 6 sons "If you make me a Grand Mother before I become a Mother in Law, I will ship you and the baby back to the village"

  19. I play it real close to the chest with letting people meet the fam. So I actually haven't had many SO's meet the rents of family in general (granted I haven't had many SOs to begin with), also I feel like once my moms knows 1 name..that's the name she knows forever..still asking about dude 6 months later and i've moved on twice already.

    Anyhoo because I do cherish my fam I think I would listen to what they have to say, it would be heartbreaking to me if my SO couldn't seamlessly come into fold, however I don' t think it would be a dealbreaker if there are reservations about my SO. Ultimately though I want to believe that the person I choose to be my SO shouldn't have those issues that would raise the red flags and if my fam just straight out disliked my SO for no reason, i'm gonna have to disregard that opinion.

    Aside, does it make a difference who is voicing the opinion whether its the trusted auntie versus your moms or your pops or if its young cousin or something?

    1. I hear they count your spouse's income as well as yours when determining amount paid for child support.

      Of course we're gonna have to postpone the marriage. What's mine may be yours, but it ain't damn sure your babies mommas.

      But money aside, it is a major factor coming into the relationship…two whole other people.

      1. Definitely take time to figure this out. There's a lot to consider.

        Where is this child going to live? Who is paying for his education (college, private school?), medical expenses etc. Does the couple now have to always live in the same city or state or coast as the child?

        What happens if the couple marries and the husband dies, is the wife responsible/obligated (probably since she will no doubt grow to love the child) and if so, does she have enough resources (emotionally, $, etc) to take this on, if such an event occurs?

        After going through the logistics, the fiancee and fam will probably feel more secure in going ahead with the marriage.

  20. Well as a West African, my parents of course would like me to marry someone from my country….although thats proboably never gonna happen. So its ore about religion more so than anything else. Apparently my father is a racist towards white people and my mother is a racist to all except her people (she really doesn't like black Americans). But they'll be lucky to even see me get married.

    I've never brought a boyfriend home, but I've never been serious with anyone enough to be willing to subject them to that type of scrutiny. I don't know exactly what end of the diaspora of spectrum for that matter I'll end up with so we''ll see. Although I do find that I get along and feel a more natural connection with those of non-american descent.

    As for the child, before he has to worry about my mother, he'll have to worry about me.

  21. First off, wedding postponed, period.

    Second, my family's opinion matters a whole to me. I'm very close with my family, so if anyone, especially my mother, had any qualms about a person I brought home, I would definitely make sure to have a conversation to figure out why she feels that way. Sometimes, it's hard to be objective when you're be blinded by good love, good passion, and good sex.

    On the flip side, if a man's family had qualms about me, particularly his mother, I would have to take a step back to figure out why she feels the way she does. As nice as it sounds to say only love should matter when you marry, you marry into a family. You may be able to deal with awkwardness now, but try explaining to your child why you are the only one not invited to Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner at Grandma's house!

    1. Even my Mother tells me this a lot. If his mother absolutely hates you, don't do it. My grandma made peace with my Mum on her deathbed. She did not like my Mum because she had a "pull" on my Dad (her exact words). Maybe its just a cultural thing but men from my culture always listen to their Mothers opinions about women or try to appease them if they happened to marry an unapproved woman, therefore their spouse suffers so much (actually it might just be a black man thing in general) so if Mum does not like me, we will rethink our situation.

      1. Wow, peace on the deathbed? That's serious. It's crazy, because my aunt recounts the misery she endured marrying my uncle, and how his mother made her life a living hell whenever she went to visit. I can tell that even today, 20 something years later, it still affects her. So all she does is shake her head and utter with a glazed over look, "if his mother doesn't approve…don't do it….don't do it…" It's so sad!

      2. Its definitely not just a black man thing. There are tons of movies about this w/ 2520s. A movie w/ JLo and an old white woman come to my mind but the name escapes me

        1. Yeaaaaaa, Monster in Law (maybe that's not the name but I know what you are talking about), Uggh Mother in Law drama.

          My Mom is one of the coolest Mother in Laws. Since she had to deal with my dear Grand-mom, she tries to be nicer and more accommodating.

  22. I say, women are wise to take the advice of the fam. Of course no man will ever be good enough (just like no man will be good enough for your daughter or sister, ya know), but a man can be respected if he is respectable. Too often, women let isht slide, not realizing that the fam was right. If a man is a man, he won't be intimidated or even offended by it, after all he wants her… right? If not, keep it steppin.

    1. Are you saying a man wouldn't be offended by his fiancee/wife always siding with her parents over him?

      I'm sorry, that would make any man not want her anymore and be happy to keep it steppin, unless he's just spineless. I hate to use fictional examples, but look at Morris Chestnut's character in Not Easily Broken.

  23. Definitely take time to figure this out. Where is this child going to live, who is paying for his education, medical expenses etc. Does the couple now have to always live in the same city or state or coast as the child?

    What happens if the couple marries and the husband dies, is the wife responsible/obligated (probably since she will no doubt grow to love the child) and if so, does she have enough resources (emotionally, $, etc) to take this on, if such an event occurs?

    After going through the logistics, the fiancee and fam will probably feel more secure in going ahead with the marriage.

  24. I think someone a few comments up nailed it. Nobody will ever be good enough in the eyes of your parent(s). I know for a fact that my dad, as much as he loves me and respects my decisions, would much rather I be with someone other than my fiance. But in reality, it's my decision to make not his. The one thing I know, if he or my mother were strongly opposed to the union I'd be a little hesistant. As much as I hate to admit it, parents ALWAYS know, and I learned that one the hard way in the past.

  25. I would not postpne the wedding and stand up to my family.

    My parents had an issue with all "foreigners" as they like to say. I went to school with Black folk from all over and have many friends that are not originally from the great USA! As I got older their influence, had less of an impact. I have dated Caribbean men, and African men. The families seemed cool, but none of these relationships were serious and leading to marriage. I remember one guy from Belize that early years were dirt poor, and his mother cleaned houses looking down on this "regular Black woman". It was irronic considering both my parents had advnace degrees and employed people ike her, but I digress.

  26. I'm late and this might have already been said, but here are my 2-cents:

    Standing up to my folks & fam for the man I love is A-OK and a must for as long as I want the relationship (and expected of him, if need be…but parents love me I'm too sweet & mannerly, my momma's OLD school)

    However, dude having a surprise kid DEMANDS a post-poned wedding regardless of parents input…Why? B/c he needs to adjust to being a father and I need & deserve time to decide if I want or can be a stepmom and deal with a baby's mama.

    A man with a child(ren) can be just as much of a deal breaker as a woman with a child(ren). Who says I want to deal with that? Maybe I wouldn't have dated you if you/I knew you had kids from jump? Maybe I still would've, but still, even after long loving relationships…I mean for years I expect dude's 1st child to be my-OUR- first child and now my plans and way of life have to adjust.

    Maybe that's selfish???

    Nonetheless, my folks would be in my ear hard about marrying dude with a surprise kid and rightfully so, I'm their kid, they care about my future, AND uhm…yeah I'd have to check in SERIOUSLY with my children if they decided to seriously date and/or marry someone with a ready made family.

    NO HATE on ppl with kids, b/c having a prev. child doesn't promise a rough relationship but it's something to consider, since (step-)children, baby mamas & daddies can be complicated/stressful etc…

    #justsayin

  27. Wow. Excellent topic. I would first chime in to say that this may postpone any walk down the aisle for any couple facing this type of situation. I wouldn't even marry this man until well AFTER the baby has been born. Enough said there.

    Personally, I would have to take a few minutes to process the fact that my fiance has a child coming with another woman before I even dare bring my family into it. My mother would ultimately allow me to make the decision as to whether or not I want to deal with everything that will come along with a situation like this. But, my fiance will DEFINITELY get the sideyes at all future family functions…LOL!

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