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Reader Email: Is the grass greener on the other side?

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Best pic I could find. #youmad?

The livewire at singleblackmale.netorg has been buzzing ever since our domain switch. We’re received numerous emails offering sex asking for our help. So, as the High Priest of Humpday, the Sultan of the #swindle, and the dude who needed this email to complete his post for the week is always willing to assist, I want to share this email with the SBMNation and see if we can solve this problem:

Do men ever fear losing a special woman or do they always feel that the next best thing is/ could be around the corner?

The short answer to this is Yes and Yes, but it depends. If I just left it at that, you all would roast me and cal me a charlatan, so let me explain further. When a man finds a woman whom he feels is special, 2 thoughts generally go through his head:



1) Is she really that special woman?

2) Am I ready to have this special woman?

Typically, the  process to go from acquaintances to friends to a couple determine whether #1 is accurate. If that special woman entails being “The One” , then their time in that relationship will determine whether or not she really is THAT special woman. A mans feelings over time will tell him if his lady is a detour on the highway to happiness or the destination. When he knows in his gut and heart that she’s more important than just another girlfriend, then #2 can seep into his psyche. This fear is a mind killer, who can create hesitation, apprehension, and doubt in a man’s mind about the woman. It may cause him not to make things official, not to take the next step, or to not take the woman seriously. If the man suffered some type of serious heartbreak prior, then #2 is almost expected and a prerequisite thought process when evaluating the new lady in his life.

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His actions related to thought process #2 can cause women to become frustrated, angry, and possibly walk out of the mans life. What’s funny is most men don’t ever realize they have this fear until the woman leaves him! A lot of times, whether no problems arise or the regular problems in relationships occur, a man wouldn’t feel threatened of losing that woman, especially if he’s confident in himself and the relationship. Women ending the relationship in this case would be like pulling the rug out from under men. When they hit the floor, the light bulb turns on, the ‘What the hell did I do?” feelings begin, and the recovery plan is devised to reclaim their lost love.

On the flip side,  that same fear that makes men hesitant to either officially wife his shorty, marry his shorty, or anything else, may occur from a fear of the unknown. You may feel that maybe the grass is greener on the other side, and you could possibly make a huge mistake in committing/staying with your current female. These fears can either manifest through feelings or withdrawal from their prior bachelor life, if the couple has major problems (arguing, etc), if the woman has genuinely treated the dude wrong, or if the dude isn’t as focused as he or she thinks! If a man or woman is confident in themselves, they will always have it in the back of their head that they will be OK. It’s all good until you’re on the bad end of a break-up though. Hopefully you can maintain that same resolve.

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I think men and women should feel that all won’t be lost if they don’t end up with “The One”. I know dudes and women who’ve had multiple “Ones” in their life. They call it fate, while Tupac and I beg to differ:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yre5nBXAxyk&feature=player_embedded

At the same time, we shouldn’t use this fear of the unknown as an excuse to give < 100% in a relationship. You make your decisions in life and unless you are psychic, you do it without knowledge of the outcome. Many times we have no problems making a bed. Ask us to lie in it, and then we start complaining. Relationships take faith, work, and commitment to thrive. Sometimes, you give that commitment and the relationship still fails. Welcome to life, kiddo. Take it from someone whose fears have led to both triumph and disaster in relationships, you can’t second guess yourself or dwell on negativity. Whether you aren’t sure if the person is the one, you’re scared, or you’re curious about what else is out there, just know that whatever decision you make, you have to live with the consequences.

I think I covered it all. What do you think. Do you cosign or no-sign? lets assist this young lady and set this blog owt like Slim and RCLS at a good bruhz function.

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Peace,

Comment(25)

  1. I believe our society is driven by fear, which is clearly perpetuated by the media. The way men and women behave in relationships often is fueled MOSTLY by fear. The way men blow hot and cold, fearing they will be to "nice" and lose the woman's interest. The way women wait a few hours before they respond to a text for FEAR the man will think she is desperate or has no life. The lack of commitment that is currently running rampant can be directly connected to both "fear" and "the grass is greener on the other side" mentality. People are afraid to commit because they are afraid they will miss out on something. Of course, this can actually cause one to miss having a meaningful connection period, defeating the entire reason for the defense mechanism.

    It is self defeating to live in fear. People should suck it up and quit being lil p*ssies. Waaaaaaah!!! Just live your life with integrity and jump in with both feet! Why not? Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

  2. Good topic and for the most part I agree with your response to her question.. Living in fear will have life pass you by and you could lose out on a good thing. Will there be an opportunity for another good thing–probably–but before making serious decisions, men (and women) should always weigh all the options.

  3. I agree w/ the summary of the post Streetz. No one can predict the outcome of what decisions we make, we have a strong intuition in some cases & maybe some previous examples from others to guide us but that's usually about all you get <del>unless you are Ms. Cleo</del>. That's life. Relationships are no different.

    I was just conversing with a friend who has proposed & it seems like his bride-to-be has cold feet now. And the wedding is 6 months away = no bueno. My advice to her is if you are still concentrating on what you might miss BEING married to him, you may want to re-evaluate. When you've found 'The One' you should be fully focused on what you will miss by NOT being married to him.

    Btw, I fully love your web links. The Matrix tho? Really?

  4. I think that way too often we let fear drive our decisions instead of rational and our feelings. I was in a relationship that lasted a few months and the dynamics between me and this dude were crazy but he had just gotten out of serious relationship and was afraid of getting into another. While I understand his fear, I think it's stupid to live life like that. I believe that when a great opportunity comes to you then you need to conquer your fear and seize the moment. When we let our life be governed by fear, we miss out on a lot of great things, but like you said the person must pay the consequences of their actions!

  5. people today are selfish as f*ck. and they want to have their d*mn cake and eat it too. aint no d*mn fear in it. more like "oh i want that 80% and i want that 20% over there too" (for those who know about that 80/20 rule). its sad really. people want to test this, then go and test that and then go back to this when that doesnt work out. aint no fear in it……

    that is just my opinion, which i already know is going to be different than the rest. just dont chew me out too bad over it lol….

  6. I think when a man is ready to take a wife he can turn some of the most infamous former jumpoffs into a housewife. I've always felt that men know that the grass will always SEEM greener on the other side, but you will put in work to whatever you hope to have. To me, it's about building a foundation, infrastructure, and upkeep. Those are the three parts of every relationship. Now if a man is ready to buy a house then the woman doesn't have to work that hard to be the "special" woman or for a man to be "ready" for her.

    It is probably worth mentioning about the "it" factor. Some women can talk themselves out of a good man just because they don't get it. What is "it"? I really can't tell you, but what I will tell you to do is to ask someone who's been in a long relationship (check this out, healthy or not), or ask someone who's been married a long time, they know what it is. A woman… not a man.

    I hate when women ask some man who's been married for 20 years what he likes in a woman. He never gives a straight answer. My dad once said it like this; "At a certain point a man has to evaluate all he wants in a woman, and then he comes to grips with the fact that he can't have everything he wants. He finds a woman who has all that he has to offer, and doesn't have anything he does NOT want. Anything else is with the package."

    Good example of this is the house. A man wants a woman to keep a good house, but obviously she's going to make some weird or odd decoration decisions. Does this man complain about the fact that he doesn't want a lilac colored living room? Or does he just suck it up because he's found a woman to keep a good house? Yes, he sucks it up… and holds these things to be self-evident that every man owns the basement.

    Same thing with women, grass will SEEM greener, but it ain't never going to be greener.

    PS – especially after all that work and money you put in them.

  7. "What’s funny is most men don’t ever realize they have this fear until the woman leaves him!"

    This is so true. My ex just did and said stupid things out of "fear of losing me" that I had to sayonara him. It was all for the better though, and in that situation, the grass really was greener on the other side (for me at least!)

    1. The biggest thing is to realize QUICK whether someone is right for you and move accordingly. This also comes with age and experience.

      I know for the good and bad, that I'm much better off now due to the decisions and non-decisions I made. Red or Blue pill,you live and you learn!

        1. Hmmph, heck no he wasn't! It was getting whack by then; mostly becaue the emotional connection had just fizzled away. That's when you know it's REALLY time to bounce!

  8. I think some women today are confusing a drunk text or voicemail with a guy who actually is sad he dumped them. I know that many of guys have found the err in their ways in the bottom of a whiskey bottle. Tyically though, when a man breaks up with a girl, he's not sorry he did, he's sorry he can't hit anymore.

  9. I think age and experience factor into your fear. If you are wiser and have some years under your belt, you don't let # 2 stop you.

  10. I definitely agree with this post. Men have trouble a) confirming if she’s the one and b) deciding if they’re actually ready to be the one for her. B takes entirely too long for us and if you keep contimplating you always run the risk of losing her. While you’re debating on whether or not you’re ready for committment, we’re debating on whether or not it’s worth staying.

  11. I can't speak to a man's fears, but I co-sign EVERY commenter that said fear shouldn't dictate who you live your life. For me, breaking up isn't really about looking backwards to shoulda coulda woulda, and it isn't about figuring out what the man thought/why he didn't act. I kinda feel like you had a chance and you blew it. I hope to have learned from the experience.

    I kind of think this post can give some women false hope (despite your "you make your own bed" waiver at the end). Someone read this post and said "okay, so he is just scared of all he is giving up and THAT'S why he's not stepping to the plate. I can give him another chance to work through it". While I don't think you are saying that, I still think it should be said that fear can be a hard emotion to work through..and sometimes plain old stupidity wears the makes of fear.

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