Degrees or Recipes?

67
That's great, you can juggle...you gonna cook something?

The passage of Civil Right legislation and Affirmative Action laws helped many a black male, and other  single or otherwise, as well as females of all races and creeds.  The ultimate outcome of these actions was an influx of women and other minorities in the workplace and academia.   Let’s face it, it’s not like women haven’t been smarter than men all the time, it’s just that men have had the balls to keep them from the positions of power (If you’re smart, you’ll get that and not over react). In le “good ‘ol days” women stayed at home, made sure the crib(s) sparkled and popped out kids like Weezy dropped mixtapes.  Fast forward to 2010, Weezy is in headin’ to jail and women of this era now have the pleasure of choosing between managing a corporate budget or a household budget.  Classical gender roles have prescribed to us that women are nurtures  and men are the providres, but capitalism has changed the game and in many instances, women run the proverbial asylum.  I talked about this at my other gig with my ‘man-a-hunnid’ grand’ Seattle a while back based on a NY times article…it’s not like it was the Post or something…

The multi-tasking school of thought would suggest that women could juggle the responsibilities of full time housewifery and corporate goonery simultaneously, and many have women have accomplished this feat while keeping their marriages in tact and rearing respectable citizens.  On the other hand, there are a myriad of women that have had to sacrifice either a career, marriage, children or a combination of two out of those three, while men enjoy an easier path to making this happen a reality.  #Notcomplain’…#Imjussayin…

See Also:  Why You Need to Ask More Questions

Blogs, radio shows and even network and cable TV have picked up on the fact Rosie O’Donnell has a better chance of marrying Idris Elba than a black woman does.  Steve Harvey wrote a book about it and is even on Good Morning America talking about it, so it must be true. There are a large percentage of men that wouldn’t sleep well at night knowing their significant other pulled in more bread than they did, so you can imagine if they were confronted with  being responsible for the majority of the domestic management, they’d lose it completely.   If you ask many black women, they’ve faced this dilemma or have given deep thought to the best practice for navigating this difficult path.

I can safely say that I’ve never given a second thought to what choice I’ll make about balancing a career and domestic responsibilities, instead I’ve given thought as to how I would pull all that off.  The fact that  women have the good fortune, or maybe the misfortune depending on how you look at it, to bear children, and a man can knock a woman up and keep it moving further complicates this complex equation.  I’m sure if you showed the picture up top to a focus group, you’d get people to respond that while the woman in the picture may be juggling a lot, there are still things that she has left out.  I’m also sure you’d get a wide range of answers from the participants as to what she is missing.  Ultimately, every woman can decide what course she will take, but let’s face it, she didn’t get a MA so she could clean drawers.  Once again, #notcomplain…#imjussayin

See Also:  99% Failure Rate

Any women out there that know what I am talking about?  Any men out there that have put a woman in this position or are currently dealing with something like this?  In the interest of being a socially conscious blogger, I’d advise you to think about what you can do to help the sisters out with this.  It’s Friday, and it’s not like you were going to do work anyway, so you might as well get deep with me.

Read for Michael’s part but liked Sonny’s better,

Comment(67)

  1. Hmm…often jobs involve women choosing to sacrifice other portions of their life. For example I'm in the military and single parents do get alot of scrutiny since it limits their ability to deploy. In the AF you can't even join as a single parent without re-working your life so you don't have custody.

    On the other hand people in the military seem to get married and have kids at the drop of hat…

  2. #notcomplain…#imjussayin THANK YOU for this! I can't wait to see what the men have to say about this one.

  3. Interesting. Although I would like to add that throughout history black women in America have been juggling the responsibilities of work and home forever. That is not a new issue for black women. I think the only difference is that we are in modern times and the issues may present themselves slightly differently because women have achieved more and thus sacrifices have become larger, but the argument is the same for black women. It just wasn’t talked about.

    “Ultimately, every woman can decide what course she will take, but let’s face it, she didn’t get a MA so she could clean drawers.” I couldn’t agree more. I did not get my J.D. to be a maid. My SO and I get into it about this all the time, but I let him get away with it more b/c he is a 2nd year resident and I know they work him like a dog. So I end up cleaning up his apartment and doing other domestic things that I am normally not willing to do for a man who I am not married to. My SO is under the impression that I am going to quit my job or only work part time when he finishes his residency, but I don’t know if I can do that. I’ve worked so hard to get where I am and although my hours now are not bad, I have an extremely intense job, so when I get home I’m exhausted and I can’t imagine taking care of anyone else. His solution to this is just for me not to work or to find a job where I can work part time. Of course this means that I will not be moving up in my career, but he does not care about that. * sigh * We shall see.

    Sorry for the long post : )

    1. Mmm, you're pretty level-headed – ultimately you have to trust your decision about what is fulfilling to you and what your comfortable time line is. But take it from someone who has been there… don't forget that your brain will last longer than your ovaries.

      Just sayin',lol.

    2. and Dr and a Lawyer. This black power couple should be able to afford a merry maid.

      y'all are so busy I don't know how your apt gets dirty.

      I use to live with 3 other dudes (all Wall St power players), who all thought they were above cleaning. granted these were men, but it only got 40-70 bucks to have some illegal immigrant come in and wash your draws for you.

      Remember you did get a JD so you could afford a maid, not be a maid. If you want a live in maid, I know some Haitians on a boat RIGHT NOW who will literally wipe your @$$ for pennies on the day.

      1. SMH…for that last paragraph, you need a hug CHeeKZ…I'd give you one but I don't trust your hands, lol

        1. YO MAN. I was trying to be funny, but its serious.

          Live in servants are part of the culture. They become part of your family.

          And sure they are relied on to do the house work, you still show them respect (esp as a kid, b/c they do have the green light to wipe yo behind).

          They work for cheap than they send most of the money back to their families on the island where that cash can really make a difference.

          I really didn't know it was exclusive to just Haitians.

  4. not doing work on a friday? sh*t i wish lol.

    i got lucky (finally) finding a man who doesnt expect the "housewife" type. that will never be me. im way to untamed for that lol. but yes i agree….i did not get my degree to be a slave….i mean housewife. sh*t, im trying to go out there and make that mulah for the both of us too. im not the dependent type. but i guess men have a problem when the woman is "Ms. Independent". she makes more money, and will throw it in his face…or try to be the "man" in the relationship…whatever that even means. or she feels she "dont need no man" for anything. there are those types who take it too far in my opinion. but i dont see any problem with a woman trying to balance things….

  5. Definitely know what you're talking about and I have a partner that supports me and I swear it sounds like Mr Mister wrote this post, lol. He knows I want the whole enchilada so we are working towards that. We're getting married in a few months and after the honeymoon it's no holds barred to jump start a new career for me. He never once questioned the whys but instead took a better/stable position and reached out to his contacts to make it happen captain so we won't feel such a big blow financially when I'm back in school full time and on top of that we plan to have children during this….yeah, lol. I don't think I would be making such a huge change without his support and unselfishness *doing the happy dance*.

    I don't think men realize how much women appreciate even the smallest amount of support and trust and willingness to just be there in our corner…these next five years are going.to.be.hard…no doubt at all. There are going to be some nights where our place looks like a landfill but there are going to be nights of celebration, too. We are determined to get this done though because nothing can top that sense of fulfillment.

  6. This is a thought provoking post – kudos, RCLS. I'ma just do how I usually do and start a list:

    1. As Remi noted above, Black women have been doing this "work and home" thing for a minute. And considering how technology has made changes for women at home (dishwasher, microwave, frozen and canned food, etc.) as well as the fact that we're slavin' at that cubicle rather than in the cotton field…..even considering the challenges that come with trying to balance work and home I still wouldn't trade places with my grandmother (or mother for that matter).

    2. "If you want it done right, you have to do it yourself." Frankly, all the talk of "shared work in the home" dies the first time a woman has to pluck old food from a "clean" plate or find her favorite white sweater dyed pink and 2 sizes too small because the s.o. done put aaaalll your stuff into the wash on hot. I won't love you less for this – but set it down, hon. I got it.

    3. It sucks to realize you can't have everything. But since when has ANYONE been able to have everything? We're always making choices. Even when we think we're stalling, we're still making a choice. Men aren't immune to this, they just have more time to fool around. Biology beats political correctness on this one.

    4. At the end of the day – f**k it. I can't stop being me because Teeth Harvey told me to sit down and act like a lady. "Congratulations, you have some degrees, but can you make a mean pot roast?" Da HELL?!? It's 2010, dawg. If she's pullin' in bank and working late, ORDER SOMETHING! Get a maid! Dayum! Men and women in the 1950's were not sittin' back talking about how cool it was in caveman times. We have to stop looking back and figure out how to make it work with the *one person* who you choose to be with. I think we get messed up because we all want to market ourselves to the masses.

    1. "Men and women in the 1950’s were not sittin’ back talking about how cool it was in caveman times"

      They sure weren't. They also weren't sleeping in the same beds either, weirddddd….

  7. I grew up with examples of happily married successful career women that just knew how to make it work (at home, in their marriages with their kids, in their careers, businesses). It can be done!!

    I will be employing my mother's strategy, she put her kids to work. There was no coming back home to a messy house. She trained each of us how to take care of the house and each other. The girls learned how to cook early in life and clean, so we helped out a lot. My father did not do any cleaning or cooking (he could pop some popcorn lol) but he did not contribute to her stress also. He was a busy man but found time for the children so we would give Mom the time to relax, cook etc. She is a successful woman but she is not consumed by her career and that in itself has made her more successful in life.

    Its all in the kind of partner you end up with. If you guys agree to work as a team, you can successfully juggle your career and household.

  8. Anna N.: “don’t forget that your brain will last longer than your ovaries.”

    Quote of the day.

    Anna N.: “ It sucks to realize you can’t have everything. But since when has ANYONE been able to have everything?”

    Spoke too soon. This is the quote of the day.

    Smiley Face: “I don’t think men realize how much women appreciate even the smallest amount of support and trust and willingness to just be there in our corner”

    Sure we do, at least any decent man does. Probably because it’s one of the main things we want from a woman.

  9. Hmm…I actually wouldn't mind staying at home for a few years to pop out a few rugrats until they went off to pre-school/kindergarten. I see my friends that are horrified everytime they drop their kids off at daycare. I WENT to daycare as a child and it sounds like a horrific event from the mom point of view.

    You can never get those first few years of your child's life back, so if your financial situation lends itself to it, I figure what the heck? I'm educated, have an awesome career working with huge, well-known, multinational companies, but I don't feel like I'd be giving it up to spend time at home.

    My field lends itself to being an independent counselor, something I could do on the side to "stay in the know" while I raise my kids. That way, I'll still have relevant industry knowledge after 5-7 years out of the work force…(Can you tell I've thought about this in some detail?).

    But at the same time, if my hubby and I decide I need to work, no prob – I'll do it. I just like that the option could be there to stay at home if we wanted.

    I think that's what the Women's/Civil Rights Movement was about anyway -to give people CHOICES. Women can choose to stay at home or they can choose to work OR they can choose to do both. None of those is a bad thing, you just have to do what's right for YOU.

    1. I agree. My comment was actually similar to yours so I will just add.

      I'm in a field that allows me to pick the kids up from daycare/school and still make din din for the fam. However, during the first few months of my childs development if my husband demanded that I take time off from work, I would probably put up a fight. Situations suchas the mentioned would have to be discussed. I don't mind taking time off from work to take care of Baby Lotus in his/her early months(months is the key word).

      I was raised by a stay at home mom, but my aunts hired nannies. It really depends on the person, and thats what it all comes down to.

      I'm happy that RCLS wrote about this topic because my friends and I have been discussing it a lot. For some what it comes down to is placing their children in daycares/preschools that are $20-30,000 a year because they are unable to stay at home to execute developmentally appropriate practices with their children, so they pay others to do this.

      HAPPY FRIDAY…drinks afterwork??

  10. I’m just putting this out there, because we are having a discussion and I want to look at this from all angles. This honestly isn’t some Neanderthal, misogynistic question, but what truly is the benefit we’ve gained from so many additional women working? Other than the tautological answer that women are working?

    The reason I ask this is because although women have always worked, millions of additional women entered the workforce since the 1950s. According to the iron-clad law of supply and demand, increase the supply (more workers) while demand is roughly the same (roughly the same demand for employees by employers), price comes down (employees are paid less in real wages). The reason a man could support a family being a butcher or plumber in the 1970s is because real wages were higher due to there not being as many people in the workforce.

    From a familial aspect, the household’s standard of living isn’t higher because the husband alone made then close to what a husband and wife makes now. But now you have to subtract out the cost of an extra commute, daycare, etc. Not to mention the mother, the anchor of the household, was always there.

    I’m not saying women shouldn’t work or try to accomplish career goals, and I understand that a woman may want to give herself a certain standard of living instead of waiting for Prince Charming to come in and sweep her off her feet. I’m just providing food for thought on this discussion.

    1. AMAZING COMMENT HUGH. AMAZING!

      The only thing that I would mention in counter point is that some women have made incredible strides in their perspective fields, and if we still had a society that encouarged women to stay home we may have missed out on their contributions.

      But that would only apply for the most talented women to work, not the average woman.

    2. Hmm, my old pastor would certainly agree with you,lol. But I think that the issue is deeper than women in the workforce messing up supply and demand. That thinking relies on the premise that there were no other threats to American men's domination of the work force. Hello outsourcing, technology and baby boomers (they've been glutting the system for the past 60 years, lol). So really, if women weren't working the "real wages" would still not cover enough because there are other threats to hubby's income. 2 income family would still have become the norm.

      I see it as an unwillingness to adjust to the times. For instance – the depression is hurting men more than women. Why? Because a lot of men work in industries that are disappearing OR they're just being automated or outsourced out of their jobs. Can we blame the loss of factory worker jobs on women? Or construction? Is it women's fault that men aren't entering or graduating from college at the same rates? When the lion sees the gazelle running, he starts running faster. He doesn't expect her to slow down.

      Working women are not the problem – they bring their paychecks back into the home. We are blessed to have choices and the freedom to develop ourselves professionaly and in the home. But that also means that there is no fixed plan that everyone should follow. You gotta work the balance out for yourself.

      P.S. – thanks for making me look up tautological.

      1. "When the lion sees the gazelle running, he starts running faster. He doesn’t expect her to slow down."

        *Sticks feminine fist up* Brilliant Anna N., you hit that sucka right on the head! I had a friend tell me that he felt that women entering the workforce (particularly black women) contributed greatly to the demise of family. I was like, are you serious?!? Of all the evils in this world, how could you justify a reasoning like that, as if its a sin for us to try to advance?

        1. Guurrrl, I was watching the Planet Earth series on Animal Planet last night. That lion and gazelle ish is REAL!

    3. CHeeKZ: “The only thing that I would mention in counter point…”

      Anna N: “Hmm, my old pastor would certainly agree with you,lol.”

      It’s not so much that’s how I think, I’m just putting it out there because I’ve heard the argument before.

      Anna N: “That thinking relies on the premise that there were no other threats to American men’s domination of the work force. Hello outsourcing, technology and baby boomers (they’ve been glutting the system for the past 60 years, lol).”

      That’s definitely true, and you can add immigration to that list too. I’m simply asking how additional women working is necessarily a benefit, because it’s a detriment in regards to wages, gender roles and domestically. But looking at the numbers, the additional women working is a much bigger factor in lowering real wages than you are giving credit for.

      Anna N: “For instance – the depression is hurting men more than women. Why? Because a lot of men work in industries that are disappearing OR they’re just being automated or outsourced out of their jobs. Can we blame the loss of factory worker jobs on women? Or construction?”

      Unfortunately it will hit women soon. Slightly off topic, but when these service industry jobs that don’t actually produce anything concrete starts disappearing, women will be disproportionally affected and those manufacturing jobs will need to return to rebuild our infrastructure.

      Anna N: “Is it women’s fault that men aren’t entering or graduating from college at the same rates?”

      No, not at all.

      Anna N: “Working women are not the problem – they bring their paychecks back into the home.”

      And doing so, they are not in the home. Quick story: my old psychology teacher used to be a daycare worker, and the kids loved her. One mother came to pick up her child, and when she put her hands out to pick up her own daughter, the child turned away and went to my teacher. That’s anecdotal of course, but it makes you question whether two working parents is a good thing for the children. This is the point where we ask if simply having additional money is worth it. But I agree with you that every household has to work out that balance for themselves.

      1. Hugh, you just in love with playin' Debbils Advocate, lol.

        Women in the workplace is a good thing because women make good workers, period. Just imagine what our lives would look like if we didn't have the contributions of women. Or Black people. Or immigrants. Or some of the technology that has put so many people out of work. Staying competitive in a world economy means welcoming and cultivating all the tools at hand. It also means we can't spend too much time looking back.

        1. Anna N: “Hugh, you just in love with playin’ Debbils Advocate, lol.”

          You know me too well!

          “Women in the workplace is a good thing because women make good workers, period.”

          And men aren’t? Not to mention now we have to sit in those silly sexual harassment trainings. I have to try so hard not to laugh out loud inappropriately at their corny scenarios! Women are good workers, but they also are better than men at running a household. Now the question is which is more important?

          "Just imagine what our lives would look like if we didn’t have the contributions of women… Staying competitive in a world economy means welcoming and cultivating all the tools at hand."

          As CHeeKZ said, that argument is only applicable to the most talented women, so this doesn’t account for probably 99.5% of working women. I think the country will get by in the world economy without another female marketing exec making PowerPoint presentations and Excel spreadsheets. Don’t look at this as a slight, 99.5% of men are just doing busywork as well.

    4. IMO, although the collective household income is definitely something to think about when balancing career, child and home, like Anna N, I do think it is an issue of personal development outside of the home. But I also think it is fiscally responsible for women nowadays to be able to make some dough outside of the husband. Let's not BS and think in theoretical contexts. In today's world, over 50% of marriages end, and most (black) children are born out of wedlock anyway. Why would I put all my financial eggs in the basket of a man who may or may not leave me and the kids high and dry. It strikes fear into my heart to get a degree, work in a successful career, then leave it to pop out and take care of babies for 10 years, only to be left 3 years later with a decade out of the workforce and unhirable in my chosen field. Already a statistic of divorce, who wants to become a statistic of poverty as well? $20,000 in daycare is a lot more expensive on a single income than on a double one.

      1. DukeTex2009:"Let’s not BS and think in theoretical contexts. In today’s world, over 50% of marriages end, and most (black) children are born out of wedlock anyway. Why would I put all my financial eggs in the basket of a man who may or may not leave me and the kids high and dry."

        That is all true, but by the same rationale, why would that same man get married in the first place, especially considering he’d have to fork over half of what he has and his children in the event of a divorce?

        All I know is despite our so-called accomplishments, we’ve gotten it very twisted in the last few decades to the point we can’t even trust each other. I'm not sure what the answer is.

      2. "Why would I put all my financial eggs in the basket of a man who may or may not leave me and the kids high and dry. It strikes fear into my heart to get a degree, work in a successful career, then leave it to pop out and take care of babies for 10 years, only to be left 3 years later with a decade out of the workforce and unhirable in my chosen field …"

        PREACH! They don't make men like they used to!

        I would maybe be willing to not work (or do something part-time) and be a housewife I knew that the man I married was going to stay with me through thick and thin. This is usually not the case anymore.

        Men now-a-days will just decide, "hey, I don't feel like doing this breadwinner, good husband, good daddy thing no more … " and be OUT. Then I'm sitting there stuck on stupid with two little babies to support and a life to rebuild from scratch.

        So hell no … I won't be quitting my job so my man can feel like the "man of the house" … who knows if you'll be around 15 years from now? I'll do my best to keep up with being a good domestic partner but will you have chicken a la king ready for you EVERY night? Probably not. Some days you'll have to satisfied with a pizza! lol.

    5. Just a small point of information… those add'l women who entered the workforce in the 50s were mostly WHITE women. American Black women (cause I can't speak for all women in the diaspora) have always worked. All that "housewife" stuff has never been a norm in Black households in the US.

      1. Not in the 50s, since the 50s. I hav e to dig up the stats, but there was a significant number of black women that didn't work in the 50s.

    6. @Hugh, here’s another angle. Think of supply and demand in terms of economics. Supply is the number of products sold by the company. Demand is the number of products needed or bought by the consumer. Since the 1950s, when millions of additional women entered the workforce, demand has significantly increased. More women in the workforce mean more demand for more work clothes, more transportation, more of the stuff you need in your bathroom while doing your morning rituals before work, and so on. As long as the people on this earth continue to “be fruitful & multiply,” demand will more than likely be higher. Think of the whole process of delivering supply with major retailers like Wal-mart, K-mart, Target, and others. It starts with factories in Asia where the products are made. Then there are domestic warehouses in the US where the products are stored and distributed, and there are the actual stores where the products are displayed and sold to the consumer – not including Fedex, truck drivers, and corporate offices which are all behind the scenes of the process. How smoothly and successful would this process be if not all but just half of the women that work for those retailers quit and become Desperate Housewives or Housewives of Atlanta? I don’t think it would be so smooth. The demand will be overwhelming and the supply will not be able to keep up.

      Continuing with that angle, as you said, the reason a man could support a family being a butcher/plumber in 1970s is because real wages were higher. That is true, but it’s not due to less people in the work field. Higher wages were due to two things. The first, private business owners were fairer in their business practices. Today, US companies invest in exports because the products are cheaper. The strategy is buy cheap & sale higher while the top dogs/good old boys pocket the profit. They are not looking out for the communities’ pockets. Back in the day, business practices were ethical. Now you have government agencies like the SEC to protect the market. Second reason for higher wages, is the economy and the start of buying with credit. We now see within our own bank accounts, as well as the government's account, where buy now pay later gets us. This is why we make less – greedy CEOs & broke government (which is majority male – wondering how capitalism would work today if there were more Oprah’s, Martha Stewart’s & Hillary Clinton’s – not trying to sound like a feminist/misandrist).

      1. Peach Cobbler: More women in the workforce mean more demand for more work clothes, more transportation, more of the stuff you need in your bathroom while doing your morning rituals before work, and so on. As long as the people on this earth continue to “be fruitful & multiply,” demand will more than likely be higher.

        Say’s Law, I believe. But I’m not sure of the upper limit of that demand. Remember women were already consumers in the economy before they start working, so they are already contributing to that societal demand. Women brush their teeth and shampoo their hair regardless if they are working or not. After women buy their work clothes, I am not sure how much they are increasing demand for goods and services after that, other than transportation.

        How smoothly and successful would this process be if not all but just half of the women that work for those retailers quit and become Desperate Housewives or Housewives of Atlanta? I don’t think it would be so smooth. The demand will be overwhelming and the supply will not be able to keep up.

        I think it would work well. Half the labor force and employers compete for increasingly scarce labor, increasing labor prices and thus take home pay. One of the problems in the economy right now is overexpansion and malinvestment, so we'll just have to disagree on being able to keep up with demand.

        That is true, but it’s not due to less people in the work field. Higher wages were due to two things.

        More people in the workplace undeniable contributes to it, but you are right, so I’ll clarify and say the influx of women in the workforce was a *factor* in reducing labor. It's still a much bigger factor than you are giving it credit for.

        The strategy is buy cheap & sale higher while the top dogs/good old boys pocket the profit. They are not looking out for the communities’ pockets.

        The top dogs can only do so much in a free market economy, because employers will bid for the services of the best employees and bring labor rates up to fair market value. Then again, we aren’t living in a free market, so maybe I’m off-base here.

        Second reason for higher wages, is the economy and the start of buying with credit.

        Yes. Poor fiscal and monetary policy on behalf of government and consumers taking on too much debt.

        This is why we make less – greedy CEOs & broke government (which is majority male – wondering how capitalism would work today if there were more Oprah’s, Martha Stewart’s & Hillary Clinton’s – not trying to sound like a feminist/misandrist).

        Not trying to sound misogynist, but I think that would be an umitigated disaster. Not that women couldn’t, just not those women. Especially Hillary.

        Thanks for making me think a little bit, even though we are waaaaay off topic.

    7. Hugh Jazz,

      I probably can shed some light on this incident. True, many years ago, most women, especially the ones who were able to, stayed home with the children. I had the benefit of a stay at home mother. What became of this phenomenon was the powerlessness that many of these women felt in this position. Unfortunately, many men who were married to these stay at home women were not as benevolent to their stay at home wives as they led their friends to believe. These women who went through this taught their daughters to be independent and "have your own."

      Although this may be a small part of why women have decided to make their own money, it definitely makes a modicum of sense that a human being would want to contribute financially to his or her own well being. Notice I wasn't gender specific on that particular aspect.

      I must add that, seemingly, black women who aspire to do great things with their lives are villified by so many "forces" such as the media, and especially black men. I am proud, however, that these women still move forward with their plans to create a better black community despite the talk. An educated community is a better community, so if black women need to continue to be leaders in such a positive, powerful way, then please by all means, ignore the media and the disparaging remarks made by some black men who do not recognize how imporant this is to the black community and keep doing what you do. Eventually, the talk will diminish, and the world will have no other choice except to take notice of the unfaltering strength of the determined black woman.

      To the black men, especially my own, who love what they see when they look at a black woman who aspires to do good things with her life, you will never know how much we love and appreciate you.

      1. Lip Gloss: "I must add that, seemingly, black women who aspire to do great things with their lives are villified by so many “forces” such as the media, and especially black men."

        I definitely agree with this. Black women endure much from many directions, from the home to the workplace to the church. Michael Eric Dyson wrote about the concept of men putting women on a pedestal of respect is a form of soft sexism, or totalitarianism in the form of an iron fist in a velvet glove.

  11. I have never ever, never ever, been scared to have a woman make more money than me. In fact, I could care less…I dated a girl who made way more money than me, you know what I did? I relaxed. #pause

    However….. there is always a however, she still gotta juggle all that shit. You don't get no concessions from me. A man has to juggle everything, I don't see any women taking his load. (well actually, #ifyouknowwhatimean) But yeah, if a woman wants to have a career, higher education, that's all good boo boo, but you still have to do your womanlike responsibilities too.

  12. If anything this post makes you appreciate your own wifey and the time and energy she puts into making your household run so well. (that reminds me, I need to pay the cell phone bill).

    The key is finding someone who cares about being a nuturing mother and having a successful career. And not marrying someone who just wants to be a big shot @ a corporation. Its not a deal breaker for me, b/c I'm very domestic. But I do need a home cooked meal a couple of times a week. Since wifey loves to cook for her man but is a effing diaster at keeping the place clean, we compliment each other. Just like you love your career, you have to love domestic life. If you think of it as slave labor, you might not be a match for every man. Like I said, its not a deal breaker for me, but I know alot of ivy league sisters who are having real trouble finding men willing to get over it.

    Ladies want us to look at their degrees and drop to one knee. It doesn't work like that. Your job aint going to suck me off and make me a sandwhich.

    1. "Your job aint going to suck me off and make me a sandwhich."

      I was wrong twice today. This is the quote of the day.

  13. I would have to get a maid. I hate housework, esp. laundry and dishes. I buy new clothes just to avoid doing laundry.

    Nowadays, I wonder what men define as "being a man," since the NY times posted an article saying that most men marry a woman who makes more than them.

    If this is true, then you guys are no longer fulfilling the role as "providers," but you still expect women to be happy cleaning dooky stains from your boxers and whipping up a four course even with you bringing in less dough, and perhaps, mediocre sex.

    The problem is that times and roles have changed, and many men have chosen not to and too many women socialize other women to accept this crap.

    Ex.

    Had a dispute with my grandma, b/c she said women can't get men now b/c they're too independent. She gets on me often for doing "man's work," (i.e. driving a U-Haul truck, building IKEA furniture, etc.) but I'm single, so if I don't do it, it doesn't get done.

    My point is that her generation didn't have a choice, but to be housewives, because if they did, they probably wouldn't have stayed married as long.

    1. I understand what you're saying, but as my man a hundred grand RCLS insinuated, I don't think a lot of dudes are expecting that anymore. Many of us, myself included, were raised by our moms to do for self because as my momma used to say, this new generation of girls doesn't know how to do any of that. #NoShots #ImJustSaying

      At the end of the day, there needs to be some kind of balance. And just because a man isn't bringing all the bacon home, doesn't mean you can't cook some of it. A man can still be a man without having a paycheck that's bigger than yours. Shit, I know dudes with large bank accounts that aren't really "men."

      Maybe I'm old fashioned or have alpha male syndrome (easy Apes), but I think to succeed we should maintain have some semblance of traditional gender roles at the core and change some of the other top layer stuff for shit to work.

    2. SMH, you had to bring our pipe game into the conversation didn't you? you had to?

      I refuse to believe you daddy's stroke is better than mine. Thronxing has come a long way. Your poppa was probably only slinging missionary and doggy (when it was his bday). Now we got Rabbits and lubes and crap. Trust me ….

  14. I most certainly am not above cleaning. I like my space to look a certain way and I clean after myself. THAT BEING SAID: I am a young woman working with a development agency TRYING to solve world hunger one World Vision kid at a time which is a pretty daunting task I MUST say and I do NOT have time to be running around after a big baby at home in the form of 'my man.' Team work is essential. Yes, I am a bit of a domestic goddess but it cannot be solely left to me when we both have careers to run the house and raise the kids. It's just finding the balance really that people struggle with. Somehow my mother and father made it work. My mother is a CHAMP. She is a well read woman who managed to raise 3 kids well and a career. I hope i'm lucky enough to make it work 'cause I do want all of those things.

  15. Hm… I'm about to get REAL anti on the ladies, I feel it in my bones. I do not have a problem hanging my degree on the wall, and picking up an apron — as long as it's Fendi. #kanyeshrug

    I went to college got my BA, working on my MBA now & soon I'll have that PMP. If my honeybunches is making enough {that threshold varies from house to house} that we can live comfortably {that's also subjective}. Then I'd gladly be a housewife, especially during my childrens developmental years. I know that I'm intelligent, he knows that I'm intelligent. I know that I could get a job at the drop of hat, he knows it too. So what & to whom am I proving something to?

    He'll bring home the bacon (or a whole hog b/c my level of comfort is UP there) & I'll manage it aka fry that sucker up w/ my finance degree.

    I'd take it as a blessing and work from home doing what I really love — a flexible/whimiscal/artsy/fun career like event planning. *daydreaming* I don't do windows though so p/t Merry Maids apply here. Don't get it twisted, I do enjoy my career and am I uber proud of my accomplishments, I just feel like there is more to life. When I'm dead & gone, this job will still be here, my legacy lives on in those who I've touched aka my family.

  16. This post is cool…

    One sec though… Why is there this implication that the household responsibilities aren't shared? In a relationship each person shares the responsibility of maintaining that relationship. And guess what, when you live together, the household itself IS part of the relationship. EVERY couple (w/ children or not) that I know, where both people work, share the household responsibilities (unless one of them is out of town). This thing where both people are working yet the woman handles everything "domestic" while the guy disappears from the scene after work isn't real life. You people watch too many movies…

    So let me get this straight… When a woman is single and lives by herself, she has to work and handle her household. But it's all different if she does with in the presence of a SO? I mean, I "juggle" work, cleaning and cooking. My homie is single, has a child, works AND goes to school too. So?!?!

    Maybe there's something I'm not getting (cuz I'm only 25) but even in cases where the woman worked and did all the "domestic" duties guess what the man did… CHORES! I guess we all forgot the gutters had to be cleaned, the yard raked or cut and the roof had to be inspected. What are you people talking about?!?! You all know good and well that maintaining a household is much more than income+"domestic duties." wth…

    1. It exists. Men who JUST work and come home and sit….while a woman does both, sometimes even the outside domestic work. Its happening in my parents household and its happening in the households of many a family members as we type! …but then again I come from that type of culture….

      And since when do you have to clean gutters and cut the lawn everyday or every other day??

      1. Its happening in my parents household and its happening in the households of many a family members as we type! …but then again I come from that type of culture….

        o_O

        I'm going to assume that both the men and women of those types of relationships fully choose that and want that. So I can't knock the hustle (completely)… But my reaction comes from this notion of where women seemed to be forced into accepting such roles/treatment minus the cases where someone is disabled or has health conditions. I doubt very seriously there's a cultural standard that promotes male laziness in a relationship/marriage. Even my grandparents who live in Mississippi along a dirt road doesn't subscribe to such a cultural feature. I wouldn't blame it on the culture anyway, but the lazy individuals and people who enable their partner's laziness.

        And since when do you have to clean gutters and cut the lawn everyday or every other day??

        When it comes to gutters, it really depends on the storms you have and how many trees are near you. And grass grows fast during warm seasons. In any case, those were just examples of chores, which is a factor people leave out. Not to mention there's always something that needs to be addressed with the house itself. My Grandma works, cooks, and cleans. Granddad helps Grandma and does as many of the chores he can in between chemotherapy sessions. So no excuse… A lazy-man lifestyle is the lifestyle people choose and it isn't forced upon any woman via some culture. That's an excuse made by men as excuses for laziness and woman for an excuse for why they don't stand up to their men. #oppression #selfoppression

        1. I agree wholeheartedly and tell my mother everyday that she allowed it…but it was ingrained in her from her culture as well as her generation.

          I for one will not put up with such foolishness.

          I believe this prehistoric notion of gender roles need to be relinquished personally.

  17. tardy to the party but between degrees or recipes, I'm down for recipes, all day at this stage in my life. I have two degrees. there is so much more I could say but I'm hittin the mid day crash and I haven't read the comments yet so maybe someone else has articulated my thoughts on the matter…

  18. Sign me up for housewifery. All that flag waving.. I-N-D-E etc..I don't want it..or maybe its so much that I don't want it as it is the fact that I'm not beholden to the "have it all" 2010 definition. Let's not ignore the women for whom "having it all" means being they are the best wife and mother they can be…and frankly if that's your aspiration I'm definitely not gonna knock it and I might be signing my name under you on that list.

    People ask me all the time whether I would be a housewife especially considering my current profession *see name above*..and without batting an eye I can tell you YES. I will hang up the degrees and accolades in the spare room and dust them mugs while i'm do my daily duties in my apron (possibly barefoot and pregnant) right before I hold down that mid afternoon snack the kids are coming home to which is right before I start that 4 course meal for the hubster will come home to. Yup I'm doing it. Or at least that's how I imagine it in my head.

    *insert reality here* unfortunately considering the realities of our current economy and my student loan debt (F**K YOU SALLIE MAE!) My dream of being the best house wife I can be will likely be deferred forever…unless Prince Moneybags drops out the sky and on to my currently cluttered desk *le sigh*

  19. A lot has been said so I won't rehash. One part that stood out to me from the original post was the idea that a woman chooses to juggle a full-time job with being a full-time housewife. Um, if I get married I would hope that meant I did not have to be a full-time housewife. I would hope my partner would be just that – a partner – and take on some of the responsibilities at home as well.

    I don't think it impossible to be good at what you do both in the home and in the office. I didn't get 2.5 (one in progress) degrees to wash underwear but underwear gotta get washed, doesn't it?

    They say you can't have it all and I this folks are really believing that. So now we have to choose? If you want to make a choice that's fine, but I don't think it's a mandate.

  20. I got a JD, run a solo practice and still hold my household. It's my choice though. I haven't factored in the kids yet ( don't have any) but will take on that role as well. It's what we do by choice, not as a slave/maid/indentured servant. My man works hard too but things need to be fixed, cars need to be maintained, etc. and he doesn't complain (and he does groceries and laundry). Whatever works!

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