Home Submission SBM Answers: Should I buy the plane ticket?

SBM Answers: Should I buy the plane ticket?

167

*** Admin Note ***
“The Man” is trying to keep us out the workplace … again. So, for now, there are no bad words in the comments sectiong.  That is s*x, f*, sh*, pus***, di**, pen***.  I’m trying to figure out a way to stop with the censoring and keep unblock us in the workplace … and I’ll let ya’ll know.  If you comment goes into moderation … that’s why.

– SBM
************

Earlier this week I took the time to write about dumb FwB questions.  And because this site is really a place for people to meet and talk about relationships … that is what happened in the comments.  Someone posed a question that hit close to home … a question that had plagued me in the past:

Who pays for the first ticket?

Before I get into it … let me share the comment that sparked the fight where a bunch of women who were obviously wrong attempted to gang up on me and got dealt with proper like constructive argument.

Timely topic for me. I’m in a long-distance “boo” relationship with a guy I’ve known since high scool. We just got back in touch last summer after 10 years apart and have been in daily contact since November. About a month ago, he asked me to be his “boo” and “see where this goes” (we both still date others). But, I haven’t seen this ninja since November!

My spidey-sense is starting to tingle a bit. Is he dragging me along? Why won’t he spend $150 on a plane ticket to come see me or for me to go see him (he says law school apps are killin him right now…which DOES make sense)?

He initiates convo with me every morning. Just to talk and see how my day is. He’s super respectful. We’ve never kissed. No nooky has been had, so now cow vs. milk situation here (although he’s made it obvious that’s in his eventual plans. The nooky, not the cow).

Am I being silly by second-guessing his intentions? Maybe he’s really a good guy that is seriously interested…

Or am I getting pulled for the okey doke by continuing to entertain him? Decisions, decisions…

And because I believe in really getting to the bottom of a situation … I sent an email and got a little more background.

But just FYI, ole boy and I were “talking” when we were 14/15. I moved to Atl and he stayed in Richmond. 10 years later, he pops up, asks me to meet him while he has a layover in Atl and we catch up. He buys drinks (I offered to pay). He comes to Atl again two months later, we meet up and go dutch on dinner. I go to Richmond for a girlfriends bday party. We meet up for dinner (that I bought, but it was on my company’s dime. He tipped). So, the last time I saw him, I did pay for my plane ticket (although the purpose of the trip was NOT to see him, it was for my girl – he just lucked up). We discussed the ticket situation and he agreed to fly me up there or to come see me.

So, basically there is a guy our friend likes.  He is currently applying to law school and is tight on money (if it’s anything like applying to business school … I know that man is out a few thousand dollars).  He wants to see her but can’t.  They have seen each other a few times … but not in the official “we are here to see each other” trip.

See Also:  How to Take a Woman Out on a Proper Date

Well … you know what SBM is gonna say …

Buy a gotd*mn ticket to see him!

I already know the answer to this.  She refuses and apparently the “first” ticket must be purchased by the man.  Apparently a plane ticket is like a first date … so the man must pay (I guess someone believes that nonsense).

Well … when it comes to a long distance relationship, its a two way street.  No guy wants to be bank rolling the entire relationship.  I don’t really see what the big deal about the woman buying her own ticket.  She isn’t flying him in, she isn’t bankrolling his trip, and if she flys herself … I assume he will be designing and paying for the weekend.

Yeah … this is bull.  I wish I had more … but I don’t.

Good peeples … feel me?  When starting a long distance relationship, must the man fund the first flight?  Is there something wrong with a woman buying her own plane ticket?  Am I just too new school?

– SBM aka You better sign up for a Southwest Dink aka I got some Delta skymiles you can use

Comment(167)

  1. I'm as traditional/old school as a woman my age can get but I wholeheartedly agree with "and if she flys herself … I assume he will be designing and paying for the weekend.". I think that's exactly how it should go down.

    1. As I wrote that, I honestly thought it was the perfect compromise. He still has to impress and might drop more than a plane ticket showing her around, but she buys her own ticket.

      Thing is … is he supposed to do both? I mean … it is a recession …

      1. Not at all should he do both (pay for a flight AND the weekend activites?) because then, would that mean the woman has to pay for everything during his visit to her? 😐

  2. He's stringing her along….ain't nobody that broke or that busy he can't come see his "boo" BY NOW. She better keep those options open and not hang her hat on this one.

    1. i don't think that a man should pay for the first ticket. this is my reason. i don't think that a woman should travel to see the man first period. in my one long distance relationship i drove 7+ hours to see her. flights into her city were expensive (no southwest smh).

      just like a first date a man comes and picks up a woman from her home (assuming they don't meet at a neutral location) so i don't see how this is any different.

      1. (regarding 7+ hours) Bravo! Bravo! Braaaavvvoo Tunde! That is showing interest right there. And yes the man should go to see a woman first. If he is that interested he will go, money or no money.

        Just like a first date a man comes and picks up a woman from her home. <—- Applause.

        1. Peyso,

          Everyone has some rainy day cash. I applied to med school and that's $3000+ of my money gone, excluding MCAT test prep. But I still had something to move around with. And by no money, I don't mean absolutely no cash, whatever little he has he can rent a car, fill up the gas tank and see homegirl. And if he is that strapped for cash, which is understandable in these times, he needs to make it clear before he goes what this trip means to him. I am sure she'd be willing to go half on any social activities they'd engage in or maybe she'll even cook him a great dinner and pack the leftovers so he has something to eat on the road. This is what I would do.

          There are ways to see each other if the individuals are truly into one another. AND another thing….he can use good ole Mastercard, VISA, or AmEx to see homegirl. You men seem to not have too much of a problem using plastic recklessly in the club to buy tables and pop champagne. So I DON'T wanna hear nothing about not enough money to see someone you truly like and according to homegirl "About a month ago, he asked me to be his “boo” and “see where this goes”". He is asking her for a relationship…that takes the cake for me…C'MON SON.

          And the ticket is $150 round trip so that means homeboy is within driving distance. You can get a same day roundtrip ticket from Boston to DC for about that same price. Trust me I know.

          I'm done. I can't. He should go see her. Full stop.

        2. Yes! Bum a weekend ride with his fellas. Thank you LeftCoast.

          After thinking about it…this guy is not serious.

        3. Sweetness,

          Your argument is flawed in many ways. Here's how:

          "Everyone has some rainy day cash. I applied to med school and that’s $3000+ of my money gone, excluding MCAT test prep. But I still had something to move around with. And by no money, I don’t mean absolutely no cash, whatever little he has he can rent a car, fill up the gas tank and see homegirl." – You imposed your former situation on to this man. The situation that you have outlined is not an absolute truth. It may be very true for the people you know but this fact cannot be inferred from this story.

          "And if he is that strapped for cash, which is understandable in these times, he needs to make it clear before he goes what this trip means to him." – It appears that he has.

          "I am sure she’d be willing to go half on any social activities they’d engage in or maybe she’ll even cook him a great dinner and pack the leftovers so he has something to eat on the road. This is what I would do."

          – She hasnt said that she would do this. Just b/c you would doesnt mean she would or that she has made this clear.

          "There are ways to see each other if the individuals are truly into one another. AND another thing….he can use good ole Mastercard, VISA, or AmEx to see homegirl." – Who's to say that he even has a credit card. I dont have one.

          "You men seem to not have too much of a problem using plastic recklessly in the club to buy tables and pop champagne. So I DON’T wanna hear nothing about not enough money to see someone you truly like and according to homegirl"

          – This is the problem with most of the female comments. Women on this post seem to be imposing their experiences on to this situation. That's not object advice. How do you know that he's this type of guy? For every guy I know that frivolously spends money, I know one who doesnt. Just because some of the guys you know spend their money doesnt mean that he does.

          "“About a month ago, he asked me to be his “boo” and “see where this goes””. He is asking her for a relationship…that takes the cake for me…C’MON SON."

          – You disprove all of the other women, we know where he wants to go.

          "And the ticket is $150 round trip so that means homeboy is within driving distance. You can get a same day roundtrip ticket from Boston to DC for about that same price. Trust me I know."

          – So you're calling him a liar? You're telling a man that you've never met is lying about his finances? If he said he cant afford $150, HE CANT AFFORD IT

        4. Very good point. So she buys the ticket to go see him and when she gets there he cant afford the equivalent of a plane ticket (roughly $200) to show her around, so they spend the weekend at his studio, i mean efficiency apartment (he had to downsize because of no funds right) where the most fun she will have is licking the postage stamps for his law school apps?!?!?!?

          You spend time, money, energy on what you want to spend it on.

          If he really wanted her in ANY way shape or form, he would make it happen. Even if he had to beg borrow or (okay everything short of steal) to do get there…

          Just my 2 cents…

      2. For a long distance relationship, not sure it matters who comes to see who first.

        Also, you gotta realize that he has come to see her before … it was just more of an unofficial visit.

        1. My question with that is…if HE goes to see the woman first, and pays for his own road trip or plane ticket…who, then, has to pay for the weekend activities? Is it now the Woman's job? Or will the man still pay for dinner, movies, whatever they decide to do?

    2. I disagree. He never said he was too busy. He said that he was too poor and w/ apps at between $60 and $100 plus $175 for the LSAC and another $2000 if he took LSAT prep, its very believable. All this to see a girl he just likes, never kissed, never nothing? Eff outta here. If anything they should go dutch on the flight and dutch on the weekend

      1. My sentiments exactly. Without a commitment, I'm not opting to completely pay for a flight just to have a 2nd/3rd date so we can "see where this goes". Go dutch, or stay home. And keep dating other people.

        1. I can see dutch. dutch makes perfect sense. but if the guy has the money and means to pay, I'd let him. I also do think the guy should come to the girl first–but if circumstances make it easier for her to travel than him, he should offer to at least pay half of the ticket.

          In my personal experience its been both ways–guy come see me and/or guy pay for me to come see him. *shrugs*

        2. @ Reecie

          LOL. I didn't mean you and I arguing. I meant some of the other commenters. It was a collective "WE". I have to stop doing that. And it's not so much of arguing, just spirited debate. LOL.

        3. @ NIA, I wasn’t aware we were arguing! I just quoted you because I agree with Dutch, even though I’ve personally excepted a full flight for free and would again. lol

      2. One thing that had been killing me was how people were ignoring the whole "I'm broke because of Law School" thing. That sh* is expensive. He said he would do it if he could … but he can't. So cut him a break.

  3. **follow up to my reply** All I can say is when a man is REALLY into you he will move heaven and earth to be with you and find a way. I'm wondering if maybe he's spending all his money on the LOCAL girl which leaves him no money for his out of town boo…..hmmmmm

    1. "All I can say is when a man is REALLY into you he will move heaven and earth to be with you and find a way."

      i completely agree with this… but maybe his heaven and earth movement isn't possible until a later time, and they want to see each other sooner?

      i don't see the big deal in her buying a ticket as long as he finances the visit. he'll prob end up spending more than $150 during the time she's there anyhow. it's 2010 recession and he's trying to go to law school. if he was some established lawyer rolling in money and refused, it'd be different and i'd say she need not waste her time.

    2. I blame Romantic Comedies for this "move heaven and earth" nonsense.

      You don't think guys are looking for some type of showing from their potential gfs? With the high rise of skeezers and golddiggers … we gotta be on the watch too.

      1. CO-SIGN. Black women are so shallow and this is proof. How much a man spends on you is NOT an indicator of how much he likes you. Its a reflection of how dumb he is….

        1. Tsk tsk tsk!

          This statement here: "Black women are so shallow…". Very unfair. Do you say you DID NOT mean all or even most? I posed this question/scenario during lunch w/ six of my female co-workers who ALL are White and each of them, every last one said the guy should pay for the 1st flight, 3 of them even said each and every flight she makes to go see him, the guy should pay for flight tickets and they all agreed that the first visit/trip should be done by him. Basically, I was the minority in more ways than one.

        2. @CHeeKZ,

          "CO-SIGN. Black women are so shallow and this is proof. How much a man spends on you is NOT an indicator of how much he likes you. Its a reflection of how dumb he is…."

          Err?? This is not about being shallow or me chasing his money. At. All. This is about him giving me an indication on where he truly stands. He's been talking the talk about being my boo and possibly more in the future. So, I want to see his actions reflect that.

          If you think I'm being shallow, that's fine, but don't lump all black women into a pot because of what I'm doing.

  4. who knows….way too many "rules"…..just go with the flow.

    ive always felt that if you cant pay your own way….then you shouldnt be dating.

    ive also always felt that women tend to focus on the umimportant things when dating or in a relationship. there are just way more important things to worry about in a relationship…especially a long distance relationship, than focusing on who will pay the way. sh*t, pay your own way the first time and then get him to pay the next time. it seems like she feels she will be losing out if she pays the first time. like, if it doesnt work out, then she would rather him have paid. maybe she plans on having s*x with him and therefore doesnt want to pay plus give up the goods. idk, but its just not that serious to me. its not like he is the only one that wants her to visit….she wants to visit too….so why bring drama into a situation that is so simple. sh*t how about they just go half.

    sometimes i get stressed out just thinking about why people have no common sense…..

    1. "You don’t think guys are looking for some type of showing from their potential gfs? With the high rise of skeezers and golddiggers … we gotta be on the watch too."

      and

      "ive also always felt that women tend to focus on the umimportant things when dating or in a relationship. there are just way more important things to worry about in a relationship"

      y'all are singing my song. as a man I like to play the role and spend as per protocol. Having said that, the money he spends on the ticket would be no legitimate measure of how serious he is or isn't. It's just a measure of how much access he has (or doesn't have) to money. Nothing more, nothing less.

      Women who insist that he pay, I love y'all, but this is rule worship to the extreme. Is the point to follow "the rules" or to be together? All i know is that this is a reminder of how glad I am that I am in a relationship.

      1. Also, if s3x is involved, she wouldn't be just giving up the goods, she would be getting goods, too! Unless he's a minuteman.

      2. Also, if s3x happens, she wouldn't be giving up the goods, she would be getting goods, too! Unless he's a minuteman.

    2. there is a reason why you have a man ….

      some women are understanding and reasonable… others are selfish and self-centered. I know which one Juniebug is…

      See women keep looking at what a man spends as some sort of test, but the smart dudes do the same thing. This guy is going ot be a lawyer, he will have money coming his way. He is checking if this girl knows how to act when the money isn't there to see if she is the one to keep around when things get good.

      WARNING: Money won't save a relationship and wont buy you happiness. If your S/O wouldn't be with you when you are struggling and you can't afford the Gucci and Vacations, DUMP HER/HIM. If you are in a relationship for the right reasons, money spent on you is only a plus. The way you are treated is what matters….

  5. Actually I hate to say it but I agree with SBM…she should just go ahead and buy the dang ticket already! We women waste so much time and energy worrying that a negro is trying to take advantage of us and while this may actually be true…it might not be!

    She wants to see a brother so by-golly…go see him. If it doesnt end well…chalk it up as a learning experience.

  6. I swear…if she just don't buy the ding dang ticket and go see that man…!!! LAWD…if she wants to go see him and there's an invitation to go (obviously there is) GO SEE HIM…it's not that complicated…besides, if you're going to see him he's hosting which most likely means he's entertaining her for the weekend (or however long she's staying).

    I swear we (women) sometimes wear the meaning out of stuff or make something more significant than it needs to be. He can pay for his flight up to see her next time.

    And if her 'spidey' sense is tingling wouldn't she rather be in control of her own travel plans…? I'mjustsayin…

  7. If she's having to debate whether or not to pay and having this many reservations about it, she should forgo seeing him. Like I said the other day, why can't he come see her or why don't they meet half-way (each paying their way to the half-way point).

    I understand law school costs money, yada yada, but if he was really into her, he wouldn't hesitate spending money on her plane ticket. A man has no problem parting with his money if it's something he really wants. He may have reservations himself–that's why he's not paying for the ticket. It could be a test–who knows.

    1. "but if he was really into her, he wouldn’t hesitate spending money on her plane ticket. A man has no problem parting with his money if it’s something he really wants." –

      This assumes that he has the money to spend. So he's a liar or a player. We're labeling the man and we dont even know him

  8. Like I said earlier, he should pay for the first plane trip, but now I am beginning to re-think my position. I think this guy may be seeing someone else….I think, she should offer to pay just to see what he is going to say. If its somebody else he may try to talk you out of it….if he is excited and says come on I will show you a nice time, then go……but, Im really beginning to wonder if he is otherwise involved with someone in-state……

    1. He may and could be dating or involved with other women. We've agreed that the distance calls for us to date around until we figure out where this is going. I date others, too.

  9. He may have an in state boo and hitting off three midgets on donkeys or he may genuinely be a good dude who doesn't have enough funds to bankroll his future and your plane ticket. Your a big girl, buy your own ticket. He lives in your home state, if it works out you'll have a great weekend with a guy you care about. If it doesn't work out, you have your family there to get you drunk for free.

    1. I'm just replying because I've been traveling all weekend.

      Not my homestate. Military brat. Lived there for a few years in middle/high school. I live in my homestate now. So, if I were to visit him, it would be about me visiting him. No one else.

  10. Why would it matter if he's paying for the 'first' ticket? They "still date others" anyway (her words)….that's too much expectation on a "relationship' that isn't exclusive imo

    1. i forgot about that detail…them dating others. then in that case….they definitely need to be going half on the ticket and then maybe half on the expenses when she stays….

      1. Good point. I might could consider a dutch ticket, but I'd rather him suggest it. I know some people will hate that I said that and call it gameplay, but that's fine.

        I want to him to make this work. Again, not because of playing mindgames, but because I think when a man wants a woman, he will find a way to see her. He's talking like he wants that type of relationship with me, I want to see how he actually makes it happen.

  11. I'm a longtime lurker here and I finally decided to throw my two cents in here. Now I'm just playing Devil's Advocate here. A lot of the sentiment seems to be that she should buy the ticket and he'll finance the weekend.

    Muze actually said:

    he’ll prob end up spending more than $150 during the time she’s there anyhow.

    Well if that's the case, why doesn't he just buy the ticket to see her? Especially since he's the one who put out there that he'd buy the ticket for her to come to him. If he can spend money which is assumed will either be the equivalent to the ticket or much more, why can't he just buy the ticket? Just asking.

    Personally, she sounds like she's sticking to her guns on this and therefore, I don't think she should buy the ticket. If she does, she may resent that she did. We can all debate and give our opinions on how inconsequential it is, but the truth is, it's not inconsequential to her. To her, who buys the first ticket means a lot. It actually signifies where she stands in the relationship with him(that's what I gathered from her the other day), so we don't have the right to diminish that for her. Me personally, I've done it before. Didn't turn out too well for me when I did but that was because dude was always on some broke stuff and couldn't even help me get a glass of water at dinner. But that was just me.

    1. Well if that’s the case, why doesn’t he just buy the ticket to see her? Especially since he’s the one who put out there that he’d buy the ticket for her to come to him. If he can spend money which is assumed will either be the equivalent to the ticket or much more, why can’t he just buy the ticket? Just asking.

      Because he'll still be expected to pay for the expenses for the weekend once he gets there. I doubt if she would flip the bill for the weekend if he came. Otherwise, the same argument could be used in reverse.

      1. No, he wouldn't be expected to cover the weekend expenses. I'm not a golddigger. If he bought a plane ticket, I would gladly pay for dinner, drinks, movies, etc. I want to spend time with the man, not clean out his bank account. It's really not about the money spent, it's about him taking the initiative and the action to make this work.

    2. well i was saying that to say that maybe he can afford her expenses when she's in town (taking her out to eat, activities, etc…) but can't afford BOTH the plane ticket and her expenses once she's there.

      i think it's a good compromise.

      *edit*

      just read Ash's comment… so in that case i don't see the problem with him buying the ticket. as long as the expenses are shared, seems like a win win.

  12. Boo! Dang, bruh – I noticed the semi-post too but it's all good cuz it's Friday. lol!

    I'll just speak for myself: I will never – EVER – buy my own plane ticket to kick off a relationship. Never have, never will. Personally, it's not manly to me when a guy needs help to overcome the most basic of problems. And a $150 ticket is a basic problem.

    C'mon now, let's approach this reasonably. Know why this is even a debate? Because that man is too busy to see her right now! Why should she FLY HERSELF into the middle of his law school apps? Where's the urgency coming from? Why not do what she's been doing: keep the communication up and allow him to handle his business before they meet.

  13. I've never been in this situation but I believe since he initiated this "relationship" that he should finance her first trip to see him. Just like if he asked her on a date, he should pay. Subsequent visits can be split evenly or they can work out a system (like taking turns seeing each other & paying for the flight). If you really like someone you'll find a way (that goes for both parties involved)!

  14. This is a pride issue plain and simple. Sometimes women wont do certain things because they have a fear of getting played, and hide behind "tradition".

    If he offered to buy her ticket then he should, otherwise he'd be a Native American giver.

    They are grown. Both have jobs. NO reason why she cant pay her own way and vice versa.

    1. I agree!! If they can both pay for their own tickets then what is the problem??

      My best friend was in a long distance relationship. She paid for her ticket to LA, and the guy paid for the weekend. The second time she went, they split the price of the ticket. When he came to NY he paid for his ticket, I guess that made them even. However, there was never a concern about who should buy the ticket, so this one is fuggling with my mind.

      If I want to go see my long distance boo, I'm going to get up and go. If I find something in his state that is unsoothing, that I'll be happy that I went, instead of wasting my time on the ninja..

      Happy Friday to all…go get drinks afterwork…

    2. Yessir

      …and I guess I don't understand how him paying for a ticket would stop her from getting "played" in this non exclusive boo-ship? how would she get played anyway if they are dating other people…you know what (?) Imma stop asking questions before I start looking deeper into stuff my daggone self, lol

  15. OK so I gave my 2 cents on this the other day because I myself have a VERY similar situation. Shorthand version: boy next door type deal known him since we were kids had off and on romances all our lives and his family moved to another province too but we stayed close and visited each other.

    NOW homeboy moved to another country for MedSchool and we are really trying to work it out. I'm finished school, started my career. He technically is finished school too but wanted to pursue medicine after his first degree. I cannot fault the man for being on his grind. If I have money that I know he can't have right now since MedSchool is hella expensive, I am planning to go see him at the end of the summer on my own money.

    *Disclaimer* I would NOT do this for anybody, but like girl, he is someone that has been known for a long time. In this case if she is serious about him, she has her own money on lock, then why not pay to go see him? And let's be PERFECTLY real…150$ is chump change. If ya'll knew how much imma have to drop to see dude…….

    So my question is: is it really about who has 'the upper hand' by paying or not paying? If it is you may want to re-evaluate exactly whatever it is going on between you. Is it about girlfriend not really having too much money to drop so she want to be cautious that this really is a good investment?

  16. I’ll repeat the same thing I said when this question first came up: why is it a big deal if she pays for the first ticket? I asked that a number of times during that post and no one could answer that simple question. The first visit is not the first date, so there is no traditional “the man should pay” expectation here.

    If she is paying for consecutive visits, then it’s questionable. But there is no reason that she should be so adamant that he MUST pay for the first ticket; especially considering he has a perfectly justifiable reason for not having a lot of disposable income, and considering once she’s there, he will likely be paying for food and entertainment. This is a typical “mountain out of a molehill” argument.

    1. I think the issue here is what paying for the ticket represents. On the woman's part, she's already making the decision to get on the plane, which in itself shows some seriousness on her part, what with people trying to stick explosives in pants and bring snakes on the plan. If he pays for the ticket, then it's a woman's way of knowing he's serious too. If she gets on the plane AND pays for the ticket, then what responsibility does that give the guy? For all we know, we could get there and he decides to do work all day or be cheap. Then we've lost out on our time AND money, and he can brag to his friends that we spent OUR time and OUR money to see him. WHACK!

      1. Anike,

        You have just won the award for greatest #Swindle of 2010. If this isnt the biggest headbeat ive ever read! Any dude who falls for that should visit simpjuice.edu

        1. LOL! This is honestly how I view the situation! It's a pride thing I guess, that way I can be like, "He was whack, but at least he paid for it!" But see, if he paid for the ticket first, then I would definitely pay for the next ticket for him to come see me…as long as it was off-peak traveling season… and with Airtran so I can get my frequent flier miles…

        2. It ain't about the swindle. It's about grown-azz men touching up their make-up and pulling their skirts down while they wait for the woman to problem solve and come to the rescue. It's also about the woman allowing the man to conclude his personal business (law school apps) and be in a place where has the tools to court her properly. Yes, courting requires some money. But more importantly it involves TIME. Right now ole boy is short on both.

          As Tunde said upthread, he shouldn't have to buy her ticket because he should be coming to see her. Fly, drive, take a train – but I'm not going to lead any man by the hand in wooing me. Don't make me clutch my pearls, lol.

        3. "I’m not going to lead any man by the hand in wooing me"

          Thank you Anna! I can woo my dang self in that case!

          I prefer for a man to have himself together emotionally, and to an extent, financially before he tries talking to me. Because if he doesn't, I'm going to feel disappointed when he can't express himself, or we can't do certain things. Then I might accidentally assault his manhood by telling him to get himself together, or by paying for dinner, and I'm sure no guy wants that.

        4. Are you serious Anna?

          I cosign 35% of ur post. Nosign the rest of course

          I agree with Tunde and all that Jazz (no Hugh). Im just saying anikes reasonining behind why son should pay is bullish!

          I would make the first effort to see shorty then hope she would come see me.

          Quidck story, this <del>trick</del> woman I once dated, I used to visit her out of state all the time. Driving to her crib almost an hour and change away (tri state #swindle). I once asked her when she was comin to see me in NYC. she replies "Come to NYC? please why would I do that *heffershrug*". I soon kicked said trick to the curb <del>after I beat of course</del>

          HAPPY FRIDAY!

        5. ok, ok – I wasn't focusing on that whole "snakes on a plane" reasoning, lol! But you feel my point – you liked ole girl and went to see her. She turned out to be a bird so you got some beatz and moved on. But YOU WENT TO HER – so I'll count that as you agreeing with me 100%, lol. Happy Fry-day!

          P.S. – you just killed me softly with the #heffershrug

        6. I’m copying this and saving it for my inspirational vitamin

          Why is this so hard for some to conceive?

      2. On the woman’s part, she’s already making the decision to get on the plane, which in itself shows some seriousness on her part, what with people trying to stick explosives in pants and bring snakes on the plan.

        You gots to be kidding me…

        1. Nope, I'm super serious. There are some serious risks involved here!

          And oops, meant "bringing snakes on the plane" in case anyone tries to question my education!

      3. This is a two-way street. Let’s be real here. In the history of dating, it is far more likely that a man is going to be used for his time and money than a woman.

        If he pays for the ticket, then it’s a woman’s way of knowing he’s serious too there’s no way of him knowing she’s serious too. If she gets on the plane AND he pays for the ticket, then what responsibility does that give the guy girl? For all we know, we could get there and he decides to do work all day or be cheap she decides to just be wined and dined. Then we’ve he lost out on our his time AND money, and he she can brag to his her friends that we he spent OUR HIS time and OUR HIS money to see him. WHACK!

        So basically the woman is giving up time (as if a working man in law school isn’t sacrificing time), and supposedly putting her life in peril because she is boarding a plan with “people trying to stick explosives in pants and bring snakes on the plan” (a little bit of hyperbole here). In other words, she is giving up next to nothing.

        The main thing is they genuinely care enough about each other to try to make a long distance relationship work. So why does it matter if she pays for the first and he pays for the second, or vice versa? My point is why is she so intransigent that he ABSOLUTELY MUST pay for the first trip?

        1. I really liked your used of <del>strikethroughs </del> and bolds. You really showed your commitment to make your point known! lol

          And I've liked hyperbole ever since I've learned about it in AP English, *takes a bow*

  17. @Anna N, I agree with your wholeheartedly, if he can't afford that ticket and is busy dealing with all that other stuff, he needs to handle that first because I will be HELLA blown if I come down there, and he's stiff-arming me or taking me to some dinky restaurants cuz he's struggling.

    I was talking to this guy long distance, and offered to help him out with $100 to pay for his plane ticket to visit because he wasn't going to get paid for about a week. Bad idea! When he got here, he was trying to stay in all day because he didn't feel like spending money (did I mention that he was planning on buying a car at an auction while he was visiting?! hmmm). Needless to say, I was pissed, ended up paying for the rest of the weekend, and he got sonic-BOOMED outta my life.

    1. Just because you got the short end of the stick, every other woman in the wold is fittin to get it too. SMH.

      Everyone wants a finished product. Everyone wants the lawyer but no one wants the law student. SMH

      1. I think it's unfair to say no one wants the law student. Let's just be real, dating involves investment. Investment of time, energy, and *gasp* money. We don't like to say it because we like to romanticize things, but that is real. If a person is semi-established or beyond, what can a law student bring to the table to match it? No offense, but it's an unbalanced equation and a usual set up for failure regardless of gender. And it's a bit unrealistic to expect a new guy or girl to be accepting of your broke-ness because you're working on yourself. Now it's one thing if you're both students and you're both in the same place. But when one is and the other isn't, it's just unbalanced and a source of discord.

      2. Nope. Not true. I want the law student. I'm ok that he's still working on his grind. But, if he's telling me he likes me a lot and wants to see where this goes, then I need to see how serious he is about it.

        IF this thing grows and turns into a relationship, law school will be no joke. If I'm going to continue to entertain him through law school and the distance, I need to know that he's really into me and this is an opportunity to match his actions with his words.

    2. And you know what I would have did. I would have cancelled the other half of his damn ticket. Let him get home the best way he can. So you are in control trust….

  18. they've known each other for a while, this shouldnt be an issue…..it doesnt make a difference who buys the ticket

    If she really wants to go see him, she should, the decision should not be this complicated….

    Worst thing is he makes her feel unwelcome, well she'll take it as one of those things and enjoy the sightseeing…. #myopinion

  19. lmao at this this post. I was thinking about this last night.

    Firstly, there's ALWAYS more to the story. I haven't seen a woman yet that wanted relationship advice that told the whole story. So even commenting on it may be a moot point since her head she's probably like, "Oh they don't even know the whole story." Which I've seen used as a pretty wack come back. With that said, usually a woman has already made her decision and is looking for people to validate it. Something may have happened between them two that would need for her to have some doubts on where he stands with her. Hence her need for validation of his said feelings/intentions via him 'paying first.' Otherwise, it's not like dude is a stranger. Something else happened…

    Other than that, this is what it is:

    Selective application of gender roles. Women subscribe to gender roles in order to try to get the advantage (or to not be at a disadvantage) in courtship. Women push for the 'Let a man be a MAN' or the 'That's just want is supposed to happen' mentality because in the realm of paying for (first) dates, it gets them some form of control. Of course, most women who see it that way will put up a fight to keep that control. And the control isn't the guy actually paying for the date since he might want to simply because he may like her, but because she can say it's a require to even be taken seriously.

    This is simple. She's doesn't want to invest much into dude given she's unsure about him. She doesn't want to feel like she doesn't have the upper hand, i.e. PRIDE. This is her way to try to decipher if his intentions are pure based upon his actions and how far he's willing to go. Why is her mind at that point right now? She likes dude and wants a relationship with him, but she's suspects it's one sided. Otherwise, she would just be preparing for trip and a weekend of being catered to since the weekend IS the date.

    1. "She’s doesn’t want to invest much into dude given she’s unsure about him. She doesn’t want to feel like she doesn’t have the upper hand, i.e. PRIDE"

      You dang right! I KNOW this is the case with me, but I still think it comes down to the fact that the woman is pretty serious about where she stands if she's gonna hop on a plane, and sometimes we look for the more obvious signs (like him paying first) to see if he's on the same page.

  20. I didn't read any of the comments because I already knew that whatever was said before me was not going to change my mind.

    You're tripping! Buy the ticket and go see him. I think that you women who disagree are just plain cheap. Trying to get all you can get from a guy. That's wack.

    You buy the ticket you're in control. You don't you're in his control. If he buys that ticket expect that he's only going to stay in and want to pipe and watch movies. Honestly, that's all he should do if you are debating this hard over a plane ticket. Women spend more than $150 on their hair in a month and have the nerve to be upset that you have to buy a plane ticket.

    It's Friday, enough with this foolishness.

    "Ay, it's for all my cats man

    Have you ever been in a club and have a chick run up on you,

    and kinda tell you to buy her a drink, home?

    I mean, it ain't what I can do, it what I will do,

    and attitude is everythang, you know what I’m sayin’

    I mean, a chick who ask for nothing will get everything

    A chick who ask for everything will get nothing

    Pain, why don't you talk to these motherf**king broke b***hes for a minute, would you" – Clifford Harris

  21. Everyone seems to think this man is automatically a liar. He said he was broke from applying to law school. Broke means he cant afford it. Do you really want to date a man who is fiscally irresponsible? I just applied to schools this cycle and if i wasnt a master swindler I would have paid $1500 for the whole cycle. I def understand that the man is broke. If this was me, I'd pay for the $150 ticket but she needs to realize that I'm gonna be trying to stay in the crib, eat pizza, watch movies and f*ck the whole time. I just said I'm broke and now you want me to drop $300-$400 on a weekend? Are you even worth dating at this point? This chick needs to realize that she's not doing him a favor by going to see him and he's not doing you a favor by flying you in, so do each other a favor, pay for the ticket or shut up about it

    1. "If this was me, I’d pay for the $150 ticket but she needs to realize that I’m gonna be trying to stay in the crib, eat pizza, watch movies and f*ck the whole time. I just said I’m broke and now you want me to drop $300-$400 on a weekend? Are you even worth dating at this point? This chick needs to realize that she’s not doing him a favor by going to see him and he’s not doing you a favor by flying you in, so do each other a favor, pay for the ticket or shut up about it"

      Roo to the good bruhz that make the good oil

      1. That's a good point, about being expected to pay for the ticket AND then for the weekend. If a guy paid for my ticket, then I definitely wouldn't mind spending some money for the weekend, even if it's to put some food in his empty refrigerator (never met a man with a full fridge yet) or cook for him. It's just important for me to see some initiative on HIS part is all I'm saying.

        1. Like I said earlier this week, I wouldn't expect him to fund food/entertainment for the weekend. I would gladly sponsor that.

          And, I don't expect him to choose a plane ticket over law school apps. He reminded me about the law school apps and I stood down. I am in impatient person, so I am too ready for the application process to end so he can re-up his funds.

    2. "Do you really want to date a man who is fiscally irresponsible? I just applied to schools this cycle and if i wasnt a master swindler I would have paid $1500 for the whole cycle. I def understand that the man is broke. If this was me, I’d pay for the $150 ticket but she needs to realize that I’m gonna be trying to stay in the crib, eat pizza, watch movies and f*ck the whole time. I just said I’m broke and now you want me to drop $300-$400 on a weekend? Are you even worth dating at this point?"

      THIS!

        1. No, he doesn't need to be financially reckless. They're not seperated by mountains and oceans. He shows his interest by being a smart problem solver. I still think that there's no need for anyone to do any traveling right now.

        2. Anna: "He shows his interest by being a smart problem solver. I still think that there’s no need for anyone to do any traveling right now."

          I agree with this. The relationship doesn't need to be pursued currently and they continue with the phone conversations. Problem solved.

  22. I swear this reminds me of the post about mistresses when I said "If you under 30 chances are you can't afford a mistress." Well once again, "Chances are if you under 30 you can't afford a long distance relationship." Seriously that stuff is for grown folk with grown folks salaries and grown folks cell phone plans. The very fact that you trippin about who's gonna pay should tell you that you are out of your league. Stick to the 30 mile rule.

    But seriously. One of my biggest beefs when I was younger is that women, especially in there 20s, have ridiculous expectations about what a man should be able to afford. This is a classic example. I can recall my girlfriend in my 20s always wanting exotic vacations and expensive gifts and me thinking " What planet is this brawd livin on where I'm spendin money like P Diddy on my salary?" Yall want a Beyonce / Jay Z relationship on Grad Student salary. Not gonna work 🙂

    1. J – I don't know you, but I like the way you think. Sometimes the kids get out here struggling because they're trying to do grown folks business with little folks salaries. I say – just keep in touch over these free innanets and reconsider the whole relationship thing later.

        1. Not wrong at all. Wrong is expecting a 20 something guy to spend money and ball like he just got drafted into the NFL.

    2. Not expecting 5 course dinners and spa days. Just spending time with the person I like. Whether he comes here or I go there. And, like I said in the post earlier this week, I would gladly stay in and play the Wii and eat pizza. I'm not looking for anything extravagant. Just some QT…

  23. I haven't even read all the comments, but from what I've seen thus far, I'm reading alot of "BS Rules" and "what if's".

    First off, If my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle. But she doesnt. So we call her auntie.

    Second, I like how one minute all this independent woman rhetoric gets thrown around, but now out of some bullsh*t idea of chivalry (which died long ago) dude is expected to foot the bill. She clearly didnt have a problem paying when she was going to see her friend that lives in the area, so what's the problem now. If money is really an issue, just pick up the damn phone and say "Hey, I gotta pay X-amount for this ticket to come see you, can you take of care of rest once I get there? (i.e. food, outings, etc.) Like someone said earlier, if it was that serious, they'd move heaven and earth to make it happen.

    "If she is paying for consecutive visits, then it’s questionable. But there is no reason that she should be so adamant that he MUST pay for the first ticket; especially considering he has a perfectly justifiable reason for not having a lot of disposable income, and considering once she’s there, he will likely be paying for food and entertainment."

    Church.

    "I agree with your wholeheartedly, if he can’t afford that ticket and is busy dealing with all that other stuff, he needs to handle that first because I will be HELLA blown if I come down there, and he’s stiff-arming me or taking me to some dinky restaurants cuz he’s struggling."

    This is why Steve Harvey is caking off books trying to help y'all out. You've got to be kidding me.

    On the flip side, I'm a firm believer in "It Ain't Trickin If you got it." It just so happens right now homie doesn't have it. Now if he was working full time and was still frontin, I'd say she had a plausible argument, cuz once again, if you're really that serious about the "relationship", $150 bucks should not be an issue at all on either side. So in light of all this independent woman crap, since you got it, it shouldnt be trickin' or you shouldnt feel put off if things don't work out. Keep in mind, you guys made an active decision to "see other people"….why 1. pay for you to come see him when more than likely things are popping locally and 2. ummmmm, why should he care about your emotions, you not his b*tch! (G-Unit).

    "I think the issue here is what paying for the ticket represents. On the woman’s part, she’s already making the decision to get on the plane, which in itself shows some seriousness on her part, what with people trying to stick explosives in pants and bring snakes on the plan."

    I'm going to dismiss this as sarcasm and not an attempt @ sound reasoning. Also, could you hook me up w/ your THC man, cuz he seems to be giving you that fire chronic…

    1. DL Hughley said that "everybody wanna be black until the police show up". Everybody wants to be equal and independent until it's time to date.

      1. I think we have a classic case of generalizing going on here. Yes, I am independent. I have my a job, my own money and pay my own bills. Great for me. But, I'm also not that woman that shouts this from the rooftops. That ish is irritating!

        I don't mind working, but if I married a guy who's salary allowed me to stay at home and raise our babies, I will sit my independent arse down and cook dinner. Lol

        I'm not after this guy for his money and I'm not doing this because it's convenient for my pockets. I want him to show me if he's really as serious as he's come across during our conversations.

  24. The female in this situation seems to have a good job *they are willing to pay for travel and expenses* while he is I assume working while paying for Law School applications. It’s not like she can’t afford it right? If she is so into him why not pay for the first ticket? Why not show some confidence and initiative and go see your “boo”….it'll probably turn him on.

    I say take a chance and upfront the money…it might be worth your while or it might not, either way this trip will give you the answer. This is the time to seize any opportunity that presents itself….you don’t want to look back another 10 years from now and ask yourself “what if I would have just gone to see him!”

    Sidenote – traveling is always I good opportunity to meet interesting people….if your "boo" is not the "one" you have the entire trip back to be on the look out for another "opportunity" that's willing to come see you anytime. Work your magic hun.

  25. Like someone said earlier, if it was that serious, they’d move heaven and earth to make it happen.

    ______________________________________

    Females kill me with that though. What part of broke don't yall understand? The br or the oke.

    I can love a girl more than life itself. But all that love aint gonna manifest itself as a million dollars in my bank account. But females really believe that stuff. If you love me you would find the money. Guess that's why 60% of us on lock for hustlin.

    Matter fact. Shout out to my college girlfriend (senior year) for bank rollin me cause she wasn't in school and had a full time job and understandin the meaning of "broke ass college student." We need more like you baby.

  26. I can't read all these comments today. Nonetheless, I don't think it's a man's obligation to buy the first ticket. I can understand him covering food while she's there, but not copping the ticket to import her. Eff all that.

  27. Anna N: “Fly, drive, take a train – but I’m not going to lead any man by the hand in wooing me.”

    And meanwhile, the hard-working brother with a law degree (in the near future) will find a woman who shows some genuine interest in him.

    Anike: “I prefer for a man to have himself together emotionally, and to an extent, financially before he tries talking to me. Because if he doesn’t, I’m going to feel disappointed when he can’t express himself, or we can’t do certain things.”

    So you can’t date a man down while he’s working to better himself? If you tell him this while he's struggling, why in the world would he want to pursue a relationship with you after he graduates? You're sending the signal that you just want a trophy husband and you don't have his back when he's down.

    Streetz: “I agree with Tunde and all that Jazz (no Hugh).”

    I got an anti-shoutout from Streetz!

    1. All right, Hugh – I'll bite, lol.

      "And meanwhile, the hard-working brother with a law degree (in the near future) will find a woman who shows some genuine interest in him."

      This kind of insinuates that there is no other way for the woman to show genuine interest without flying herself into the middle of his life. No, sir. He already knows she is genuinely interested. And based on her notes from a few days ago, he likes the fact that she's not bucking his leadership role.

      Spotting trends is part of my job. Even in these times of shifting gender roles I've noticed that women come out better when they allow the man to well….be a man and initiate the relationship. So I don't ask men to dance, I don't make the first call, I don't pay for the first date and I CERTAINLY don't pay for the first plane ticket. No, sir.

      1. First off, what Streetz said! LOL!

        This kind of insinuates that there is no other way for the woman to show genuine interest without flying herself into the middle of his life.

        My argument is slightly different than some here. Mine isn’t that he shouldn’t pay for the first trip, it’s why some women are so obstinate and DEMANDING he ABSOLUTELY MUST pay for the first trip, or the “relationship” ends?

        I’ve noticed that women come out better when they allow the man to well….be a man and initiate the relationship.

        That’s the whole point: this isn’t initiating the relationship! The relationship has already been initiated!

        So I don’t ask men to dance, I don’t make the first call, I don’t pay for the first date and I CERTAINLY don’t pay for the first plane ticket. No, sir.

        First call and first date is completely understandable and I agree, 100%. But when exactly did paying for visits become a traditional gender role? He should pay, but for only one reason: he said he would. But this “men pay for the first visit” is something you ladies here just made up out of the blue. There’s nothing traditional about it.

        1. I don't even disagree with you on this. What I (and I think most of the other) ladies are pointing out is not that we want him to just pay up. We want him to HANDLE IT. Which doesn't necessarily mean that he'll shell out the bucks for the ticket. It just means that he works out a plan that he can live with, presents the plan to her and they work together towards a solution. She's not a gold digger so I hardly think she's going to have her hand out the entire time they're together whether it's his city or hers.

          There are too many men who only get so far as "I want to see you." Well, congrats, homie – add your name to the list, lol. Grown man stuff like making a plan and a way shows that he is willing to put some THOUGHT AND EFFORT into pursuing her.

          And they are in the initial stages of a relationship. They were long time friends, he expressed an interest for more, they're seeing where it goes.

          We've all heard that "He's just not that into you." Usually this is said by a man. Don't be mad that women listened,lol.

        2. "I don’t even disagree with you on this. What I (and I think most of the other) ladies are pointing out is not that we want him to just pay up. We want him to HANDLE IT. Which doesn’t necessarily mean that he’ll shell out the bucks for the ticket. It just means that he works out a plan that he can live with, presents the plan to her and they work together towards a solution."

          yep. its called effort. its called initiative.

        3. Anna: "What I (and I think most of the other) ladies are pointing out is not that we want him to just pay up. We want him to HANDLE IT. Which doesn’t necessarily mean that he’ll shell out the bucks for the ticket. It just means that he works out a plan that he can live with, presents the plan to her and they work together towards a solution."

          Well, if that's truly what the ladies here mean, then I don't disagree, but it certainly didn't sound like that from the comments. Some follow-up comments suggest that a lot of the ladies *might be* saying to "handle it", but there are a lot of comments that suggests that he pay for the ticket or go visit her.

          And yes the man should go to see a woman first. If he is that interested he will go, money or no money.

          All I can say is when a man is REALLY into you he will move heaven and earth to be with you and find a way.

          I’ll just speak for myself: I will never – EVER – buy my own plane ticket to kick off a relationship. Never have, never will.

          If he pays for the ticket, then it’s a woman’s way of knowing he’s serious too. If she gets on the plane AND pays for the ticket, then what responsibility does that give the guy?

          This is honestly how I view the situation! It’s a pride thing I guess, that way I can be like, “He was whack, but at least he paid for it!”

          if he can’t afford that ticket and is busy dealing with all that other stuff, he needs to handle that first because I will be HELLA blown if I come down there, and he’s stiff-arming me or taking me to some dinky restaurants cuz he’s struggling.

          This kind of insinuates that there is no other way for the woman to show genuine interest without flying herself into the middle of his life. No, sir.

        4. Doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that HE (the man, the one with the balls) comes up with something. It's not her place to volunteer and problem solve before he has a chance to get himself together.

          It's the same concept as the dude who will ask a woman out, then when she says, "What are we doing?" he does the "Well…ionno….what do YOU want to do?" Ninja, please! I don't need you to take me out to Ruth Chris. But having no plan means that you had no thought of me past asking me out.

        5. What would you say if his plan was “you pay for the ticket and i’ll pay for the weekend”? I think this women would be in the same place…

        6. Hmmm…I think I want to buy YOU a plane ticket, Anna!! You're saying what I'm saying, only better. Initiative, making it happen, putting some thought and effort behind it. Get creative. Make it work. All that!

          I wonder if yall ever stop to think: Maybe women being the aggressors or taking the initiative in certain things may be leading to the terrible relationships in our society. I admit that I'm a traditional girl, but think back to when men courted women and made them feel special. That's gone. And special isn't about money spent, it's about effort exerted.

      2. "This kind of insinuates that there is no other way for the woman to show genuine interest without flying herself into the middle of his life."

        Most of the comments here insinuate that he's only serious if he shells out money that he cant afford

      3. You spot trends, so you should know that a trend represents a large view of a topic and not every particular case. What is a good strategy for most, will not necessarily be a good strategy for her in this particular situation

      4. This kind of insinuates that there is no other way for the woman to show genuine interest without flying herself into the middle of his life. No, sir. He already knows she is genuinely interested.

        WHAT?!?! No he doesn’t. He only knows what she says. In fact, the reason why she needs him to pay for the first ticket is to figure of if he means what he says about his interest. What other ways are there to show him this that he can’t do? If he did those things while she paid for the ticket, based upon your statement, would show his genuine interest. What are you really saying? It sounds like you’re insinuating that there’s no other way for him to show his genuine interest other than paying for the ticket because he has balls. I hate it when people assume a woman says something, it must be true. Her statements MUST be genuine right? There’s no way for them not to be… because she has a v*gina. wtf…

        Spotting trends is part of my job. Even in these times of shifting gender roles I’ve noticed that women come out better when they allow the man to well….be a man and initiate the relationship.

        Well of course you know that you need at least two points in order to draw some sort of trending line. You got your data points crossed. Correlation doesn’t imply causation. Those men may do that because they want to, not because it’s required. So of course those women fair better in those situations get better treatment because ummm… they are being treated. But it doesn’t speak on the fact that those GUYS may not get anything. A woman can have 7 dates out of the week and pay for herself MAYBE once. Now she got 7 free meals. But that doesn’t mean any one of those guys got a better chance over the other. H*ll, they all may be dismissed. And all you’re saying is that a woman gets more. Well duh… But what she may not get is a relationship.

  28. About a month ago, he asked me to be his “boo” and “see where this goes” (we both still date others).

    Question: Is this an actual relationship? Is there exclusivity?

    It seems to me they are long distance dating, and they are not in a long distance relationship. If they want to see each other, they shuld go dutch on the plane ticket. He shouldn't have to pay for a ticket just to "see where this goes", and neither should she.

    However, the last sentence of the second post states "We discussed the ticket situation and he agreed to fly me up there or to come see me." So, you either stick to the agreed upon plans or go dutch, whether you go to him, or he visits you.

  29. I'm sorry but this needed to be said:

    You wanna see how far I'ma go

    How, much I'ma spend but you already know

    Zip, zero, stingy with dinero

    Might buy you Crist', but that about it

    Might light your wrist, but that about it

    F**k it, I might wife you and buy you nice whips

    Ma, but you really gotta ride nice d**k

    Know how to work your hips and your [email protected]'s priceless

    1. Humph – you just wanted to get your Friday rap quote on, lol.

      But by that account he should be married to Karrine, not Bey. *shudders*

  30. I've been in this situation where an old flame and I were trying or at least willing to see if things could go to the next level, but we were long distance.

    But both of us were students and with that said, no money to waste on every other weekend trips and such.

    My issue was he kept asking me to come and see him and spend the weekend with him and not once said he would come visit me. We both had demanding schedules. I did feel if he was serious he would make an effort to see me. I didn't need him paying my way there, but I did want him to come to me first.

    It ended up not happening. I refused to be in a LDR and he ended getting his local boo pregnant. (Yep he had a local boo…now fiance). I had my apprehensions, even though I wasn't really aware of his situation I had the gut feelings to keep my distance and remain guarded unless proven otherwise.

    I see her reasons. I see his reasons. At this moment I think they should remain friends.

    1. "I see her reasons. I see his reasons. At this moment I think they should remain friends"

      It seems she might not be able to handle a "long distance, man is in school, funds coming from a measly stipend , and limited time due to intense studying" relationship. From the view point of an LDR'er (and a successful one too…Lord help us), both parties will need to chip in and at certain times one(whether it be girl or boy) will chip in more. It is not a traditional situation so certain traditional rules might not apply.

      If he said I'll come see you (which he said way back in Nov) and it hasn't happened. It is obviously because, he doesn't have the funds or he is not hard pressed to see her. She needs to inquire which it is (she wants to see him too), its not like he is the only one.

      There will be time in the relationship for him to "prove" she is worth it. If she wants to see him, she should schedule a trip(and home for her is also Richmond), go see fam and friends, stay at home and set up some time to see him.

  31. I'm sure it's been said a million times over, but there are waaay to many comments. I think she should buy the ticket to see the man. Like you, and many others have pointed out Im sure, cash flow is not what it used to be and he will more than likely be footing the bill during her stay. That, added to the fact that he is applying Law School.

    Before she makes that trip and spend money on a ticket, she needs to figure out if this relationship is something she really wants to pursue for the long term. There will be many more trips to follow that he may not be able to pay for. Is she willing to purchase HIM a ticket later on down the line. Hmmmm. It has to be a give and take.

  32. Honestly though … if I was the dude I would think about deading things over this.

    I don't need a girl chasing me down, asking for my number, and coming after me like she is the dude … but I need some signs to show me that when things aint 100% golden, she is gonna be capable of holding me down.

    The man is going through Law School apps!

    1. I feel like if he was a full-time lawyer raking in the cash, she wouldn't think twice about purchasing that plane ticket. So i would agree with him deading the situation before it goes any further.

      1. what about if he was a full time lawyer he wouldn't think twice about buying it?!

        different strokes for different folks, I guess. I know men that AREN'T lawyers that would buy the ticket. *shrugs* And maybe he still will. if he feels she's worth it and not so quick to "dead things"…

        1. Well I said lawyer because he is applying to Law School, implying that one day, he will be a lawyer. I made tha statement because IF he was a lawyer, she would PROBABLY not hesitate to purchase a ticket because she knows that she would be spoiled when she got to her destination. But, I am assuming, because he is basically broke, she see's no reason to spend her own money to go visit him because he might not be able to make it up to her monetary wise.

          The focal point of this question/argument for me is her knowing that he is basically out of funds because he is trying to further is education. Yet she still wants him to purchase the "first" plane ticket because of obsolete "first date rules."

          Now, if he was a career man with plenty of weekends and vacation hours to spare, then that would be a different story.

        2. he's not in school yet. he works. I don't think she ever said he was broke. I'm pretty sure she didn't in that post yesterday…

          The assumption that she's trying to stick him for paper while he's "broke" is a big leap…

        3. The man does have a career. Now, I have no clue about his income (and despite a lot of the assumptions on here, I'm not hard-pressed to know and get at his money). He has what sounds to be a "good job." If he told you what he did, you'd be impressed. But, that doesn't mean he gets paid a lot.

          And actually, I think if he was already a lawyer, I'd be even MORE puzzled about why he couldn't plop down $150 to see me. He'd be older, more stable and have more money. He'd have no excuse to not sponsor. It's because he's NOT a lawyer that I'm sympathetic to his financial situation.

        4. To me its a simple convo.

          Him: So when you coming down/over/up here and stop playing.

          Her: I was just thinking about that. giggle

          Him: So what's your schedule looking like?

          Her: I'm free in 2 weeks or the end of the month.

          Him: Let's shoot for the end of the month so its not as rushed.

          Her: Sounds good.

          Him: So, who do you usually book your flights through, Expedia, Orbitz…?

          Her: Expedia, I like their (insert feature of the site she likes)

          Him: Cool, so (grunts like he is getting up to go to laptop) let's see what the prices are hitting for.

          Her: Let me boot up real quick

          Him: Alright, so… Philly to Ohio (or insert relevant cities here) Expedia is saying 219…

          Her: You know what let me check out southwest real quick – they usually have cheaper prices.

          ONCE CHEAPEST PRICE IS FOUND

          Him: Okay, so looks good. Let me get my debit/credit/diners club card, one sec…

          Her: (cheesing hard)

          Him: Okay. How does your name appear on your license?

          AND THE TICKET IS BOOKED

          It aint that difficult. In my opinion, A MAN who really wants to see a WOMAN he is interested in in the effort to date/court (note the old school reference) her in his hometown since they live far away and I am of the train of thought that a woman can chase a man all he wants but if he doesn't want to be caught – she is wasting her time and energy.

          So I think he should take care of the first trip.

          Now, if she reciprocrates the next trip, that would be up to her (I think it would be very "Jamie-Foxx-She-Got-Her-Own-Beyonce-Independent-Woman-grown-and-sexy-Bonnie-to-his-clyde-me-and-my-girlfriend-esque" if she did) and show him that she is feeling him as much as he was feeling her…

          More 2 cents, lol

          But first the desire is there.

  33. Let me ask all the women here three serious questions:

    1. Which is worth more to you: Someone doing something for you out of requirement/duty OR because they want to and which is more genuine?

    2. Let’s say a woman tells a guy she likes him and is willing to come see him and the guy says the same thing. Its seen as her displaying genuine interest, while for the guy the jury is still out. If his interest is questioned, shouldn’t hers be questioned as well?

    3. Women always emphasize their ‘Independence.’ Where is this Independence now huh? Wouldn’t an Independent woman be like: “What, you can’t afford it? OHHH! You’re applying to Law School?! Wow! That’s hot. If that’s really the case, then I got it, I’ll come through.”

    Keep it 100.

    One second it’s like women are saying we’re oppressing them by considering the application of gender roles, then they turn around and use gender roles as an excuse to get an ‘upper hand’ in courtship. THEN they turn back around and bash dudes for not listening but listening too much to them complain. THEN they get mad because men don’t fly to them because that have some accomplishments but give the side-eye to a guy who makes his accomplishments apparent up front. Want to know why these “independent” women are so single?

    It’s because most of them are inconsistent. #yeahisaidit

    1. 1. Genuine is best. To me, however, genuine means effort.

      2. Yes, her interest should be questioned as well. But HE didn't write in looking for suggestions, SHE did. And someone has to make the first move. In my book, that would be him.

      3. Look, I told the bald-headed feminazis in undergrad to miss me with the whole "I'm allergic to dishwashing soap and if you expect me to do anything previously labeled woman's work you're the Debbil!" theories. And I will politely tell you to miss me with the Hurt Man backlash. I'm not THAT new school that I can't cater to my man. And – thank God – my man isn't too new school to step up and BE the man I want to cater to. Does it make me less independent? No – it means I can acknowledge the inter-dependence that develops between 2 people who really don't "need" each other financially to survive.

      Asking for and accepting advice from folk who are not where you want to be is the height of crazy in my book. I'm not single. Neither is anyone else I know (personally) who agreed with me.

  34. I would buy the plane ticket, hang out and see how the vibe is and whether or not I feel it's worth my time. What is the harm in that? All of this back and forth, who is doing what first and when isn't necessary. If it isn't working out, on to the next one. This brother is applying to law school, so I would give him a break. It's ok to invest in potential.

  35. So… as I write this, I am currently visiting my boo- who lives 2,000 miles away from me. He recently graduated from a prestigious university- that I still attend. When he decided to move to the WRONG coast, we discussed the ticket situation and the frequency with which we would be able to see one another. I can't EVER afford a plane ticket to see him, as a plane ticket = my rent. He knew this when he decided to move, and we decided to continue our relationship.

    So it was already clearly established that he would be paying for me to visit him, and coming to see me as often as he could. I think it's important to evaluate the individual partner's financial situation, relative to each other.

    If y'all are both professionals and making about the same amount of money, and IN A COMMIT ED RELATIONSHIP, I think the financial cost of seeing one another should be split.

    However—if y'all are just "dating", and not committed- I think the man should come and see the woman (hopefully with the intention of making things "official") first—and then proceed from there.

    I'm a woman who appreciates being taken care of by my man, but at the same time—-do men REALLY buy plane tickets for women who aren't THEIRS? My mind is saying: "Where dey do da at?!" You could be buyin ol' girl a plane ticket, but her in-town boo is taking her to the airport. #Fail

  36. Just buy a ticket to see him, but make sure the next trip after that is on him. I mean, the ninja can get an Enterprise-Rent-a-Car for $39 on a wkd. special, make him drive up!

    But on a side note, 80% of law school apps nowadays are free, and you don't have to spend $ to fly to interview at the schools like you have to for medical school….I'm just sayin..!

  37. ask yoself (mainly female), why in a relationship or wateva, every thing gota be half & half; 50/50 but only when it comes to spending money or making an overall financial effort, the male gota put in all if not most work? at da least put in on it, DO 50/50 atleast his money got a purpose (its law school for godsake, not a wana-b rapper attempt), so wat u doin wit yo money that makes u financially unable to buy a ticket? o nevamind, i forgot; selfishness may also play a roll in this…yal females sumn else lol

    hell i wouldnt (currently dont) put in money towards seeing my boo who provides all my sexual needs & she real cool. yea i got it & plus sum but then da "wat if" factor cums in; wat if they got serious but she still wana date others or do dem behind his bk? wat if that money she cud use for da trip be goin into sum otha niga pockets or funds? wat if nothin goes right? wat if she got fat & hedious (10yrs)? jus wait til the times right, then re-unite…duma$$. unless u desparate then by all means make dat dum move but itl work better putin in on the ticket 2gether that way if it does go wrong, nobody would be wantn the others head (NOT s3xually speaking).

  38. I hate that I was unable to comment Friday- I was traveling. Hopefully some people get answers to their questions, etc.

    After reading the comments, I can defintely see both sides of the coin, but it's kind of concerning that some of the men have what appears to be a chip on their shoulders about "independent women" and "gold diggers." It comes across like you assume all women are after your change or are so focused on making their own money that they won't let you take the lead.

    I can only speak for me, but I'm the type of girl that wants the man to take the lead, be the aggressor. I'm a bit of a traditionalist and he knows this. He's one too. Our values seem to be similar in this area.

    So if he is as interested as he claims to be, I believe that once his funds do clear up, he will make moves to see me. I need to work on my patience, but please know that I am not asking this man to sacrifice his law school apps to see me.

  39. Again, if you ladies are like "omg if he's a law school baller, he has no problem with buyin' that ticket" you are guilty of the crime that explains why so many "good men" do not go after you ONCE they have the cheese.

    Men like loyalty. If you are only loyal once a dude has his bread then you aren't really loyal at all, are you?

    Think of it in terms of the stock market. You can buy a stock when it it at a low price, or you can wait until you know for sure it's of high value.

    What these chicks here wanna do is wait until the stock price is like at Google level and still buy it for 50 bucks. I'm sorry ladies, that's not how life works. IF you don't like it, adjust or shut up.

LEAVE YOUR COMMENT

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Get SBM Delivered

Get SBM Delivered

Single Black Male provides dating and relationship
advice for today's single looking for love

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Pin It on Pinterest

Shares
Share This