Home About Me Things That Make Me Go Soft

Things That Make Me Go Soft

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You won't like me when I'm soft. Trust.

This past weekend proved to be a wet one where I’m at. And quite honestly, I don’t mean that in a good way at all. It was as wet as Baby Beluga (See 1st grade) outside, but indoors proved to be as dry as the Mohabi. I huffed and puffed a bit, made a few drinks, watched some television, and thought about being submerged between the The Great Walls. Once I came back to the reality of my situation, I decided I’d write about things that make me soft because..well, when times are hard it’s better to be soft. Ya dig ’em out? But yeah, here’s my list of things that make me go soft in no particular order. Yep. I mean it that way.

Excessive Chatty Mouth

I know a lot of women think that men will f*ck anything that’s decent-looking. I’m here to tell you that this is not true. Nothing makes my jawn descend like a chick who talks too much. Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for good conversation with a fine woman. But when you’ve rambled on for about 25 minutes and not even left me a small window to chime in, I’m climbing out the closest one.

Short Attention Spans

Have you ever tried to chase a squirrel? Neither have I and I’m not gonna start now. I’ve been through this before, given up because I thought the chick wasn’t interested, then got a text message because the squirrel wanted nuts. My reply: “I’m not chasin u up no tree cuz u can’t focus. I’m w/ ur friend.”

See Also:  Celibacy and the Single Woman

Attention Whores

Nope. Not hoes. This post has nothing to do with those. It’s about attention whores. I wrote about them last week actually. There’s a big difference between the 2. See, hoes typically don’t talk too much and they got a goal in mind of getting some D by any means necessary. An attention whore can suck everything out of the room without actually touching anything. Not many things can make my piece head for Mexico like attention whores. If I won’t feed into it, I won’t go into it, which means I’m going elsewhere.

Teeth on the Piece

Contrary to my Greek affiliation, I don’t enjoy pain. I enjoy euphoria. My jawn after getting teethed is like my level of trust. Both can be up there and end up getting lost fairly quickly. So if you want me to trust you, don’t teeth my piece. If that doesn’t make sense for you, you remember that game Operation? Yeah, teeth is when you touch the sides, the thing buzzes, and the game is over. Don’t make me peace out with my piece out.

Dirty Bathroom at the Crib

This might sound a little odd, but there’s something about going to a chick’s crib and seeing that she has a really dirty bathroom. I don’t care how many roommates she has or how wild the party was last night. When you pass me a towel to shower, I don’t wanna have to put that towel on the floor just so I can get to the tub. Then when I get to the tub, I see the ring, and I get bodied by some chick that looks like a wet dog 7 days later. So I’m just gonna go ahead, be soft, and leave because it’ll save my life.

See Also:  My Introduction

So yeah, those are some of the things that make me soft. To the ladies, what things make you dry? Do you share any of these sentiments? Do you disagree? To the fellas, my bad on referencing my jawn but mostly women read this site so it’s okay. But yeah, what stops you from conquering the gushy? To everybody, have you ever planned to do the do and then had to call it off because of a peeve? Let us know. Keep it clean and stuff.

If I Can’t Go Hard, I Will Go Home,

Twitter: @slimjackson Website: www.threewaystotakeit.com

Comment(146)

  1. I'm with you on the attention whores, the excessive talk and the dirty bathroom, but it's the teeth on the piece thing that got my attention. Why girls run their teeth over a man's johnson is a mystery to me. Is it just carelessness or do they actually think it feels good?

    Things that make me dry…
    1. B.O. or bad breath.
    2. Really bad kissing.
    3. Poor oral skills.
    4. Whack conversation – nothing is "un-sexier" than a ignorant man.
    5. Asking if you can jizz in my face, when I've only known you for a minute (WTF?) – that one is actually from my friend Shans, but I couldn't resist.

  2. "Baby Beluga in the deep blue see, swims so wild and he swims so free. Heaven above and the sea below, and a little white whale on the go…"

    Is it sad that I actually remembered the words to that song and didn't have to Google them? Ahh, 1st grade.

    What gives me a dry patch is when a guy comes across as being desperate for some nookie, and will say and try anything to get some. Even if you're feigning hard cuz you haven't had it in a while (think Denzel Washington's just-outta-jail sex scene in "He Got Game"), play it cool, because desperation is so not cute.

  3. Yeah, them attention needing ppl are the worse! I can not stand dudes that are loud and you gotta get someone to tell him, "Calm down, homie." or "Okay, You're the star! We get it." but another negro that can make me drier than the Sahara is them eager cats, pushing up on you, trying to make you feel what's in their pants while asking you the stupid "can I hit?" question *sigh* ewww!

    1. lol at "the eager cats."

      What's funny about that type of dude is that he goes by the law of averages. He'll ask that question enough times for someone to actually let him hit. Each rejection is one step closer to a nut.

      1. Yeah, but this same dude is usually the one who will continue asking looong after you've told him no. Seriously, I knew this guy who would ask me, "When you gone let me hit?" for almost 10 years. Never happened. I don't see him for a few years and run into him at the grocery store. Guess what he asked me? Guess what my answer was, lol.

        1. You realize you are talking about me, right?

          Seriously… I do this all the time. Its a joke. I ask my pitbull the same question.

          Jeez.

        2. Yes, my lil' picklese – it was a runnin joke with us too. But tell me it's never worked for you.

        3. Madam sa'

          Well… No. Never with a girl who has never let me hit before. But an already establish JO would respond favorably to that advance.

          But I have gotten lucky with some "Hail Marys"

          But she was one of the biggest slores the Dominican Republic has ever produced. But I told her flat out "its been a couple of months. Do me this favor"

  4. Question: tell me what you think about me, I buy my own diamonds and I buy Can any of you guys explain/or give me a description as to what it feels like when "the piece" is teethed ?? Also, is there EVER a moment when it's okay for the teeth to slighty graze your manhood and is there ever a moment to just a tad bit bite down an eensy weensy bit? 🙂

    Yes, I'm seriously asking.

    1. The use of teeth? Well I bet that probably every guy on SBM will tell you NEVER and will shoot me on site for saying this, but there are times where it's OK. EVERY guy in the world says NEVER because when it happens, its a result the woman not doing a good job or lacks skill thus it hurts like h*ll. However, IF you know what you're doing, and only after there's a notarized letter of request signed by the recipient, you can use your teeth. But women how do this are FAAAAAAR in between. Don't just think it's cool to try and start nibbling. It's not a Snikers bar. It takes skill, precision and being VERY aware of what you are doing. So probably for you, the answer is: It's never appropriate.

      Want to know how it feels? Scratch your tongue with your finger nail, really hard. Then picture that feeling on your cl*t.

      1. ok – sooooo what about grazing on the front of the teeth? Is that the "ok" tooth action you're talking about?

        *scribbling notes for later tonight…..

        1. The front? Like the part of the teeth people notice the most when you smile? That should be ok baring any stray, protruding fangs. You might want to brush your teeth before hand. We are very sensitive and can notice various textures. You don't want the guy's first reaction to be: "Did you brush your teeth this morning?" lol

    2. The benfits that this technique brings when done well is not worth the risk of pain the technique brings when done poorly

  5. For me its:

    1. Unintelligent females. Some women look really nice in person and ish. Then you find out she's an idiot. No… I mean really an idiot.

    2. The "What are we doing?" question or the like from within a pseudo-relationship context. Some women spring this in the middle of foreplay (or right after for that matter). Can we please talk about this when sex is not in the picture (maybe like 3 hours ago during dinner)?!?!?! You know regardless of a guy's intelligence, most higher order functions break down during a hard on… If the reasons aren't obvious, Savon (Isaiah Washington) in Love Jones explained it.

    3. Bo*ty-do. You need to fix this ratio by doing squats or sit-ups or hide it extremely well. Pick one…

    4. So much make-up that you look like Krusty the Clown.

    5. Excessively drunk women… Not the loud ones… The ones falling all over the place and knocking over everyone's drink on the way to the restroom. Where I knew if I took you home, I would end up babysitting you or taking you to the hospital. #notagoodlook

    6. Squeaky voices. I know you can't help it, neither can I if you expect me to EVER listen to you.

  6. Ya'll kill me I swear… I'm w/ Slim on the dirty bathroom. Omfg. I can't do it… I left this dude's house b/c his bathroom looked like it belonged in a gas station. Yuck! Women have to "sit" to use the bathroom, please check dat.

    Ugh… what else? Oh this same dude had a nerve to ask me (via text no less) if 'Becky' was coming over to see him since Mother Nature had come to visit me. *record scratching* Via text?! Really?! YOU ARE NOT MY MAN. Slow your roll Mr. Eager Beaver.

    1. "…had a nerve to ask me (via text no less) if ‘Becky’ was coming over to see him since Mother Nature had come to visit me."

      THIS! I don't know why men do this. I had a guy ask me the same thing. My first thought was, "When did I give him the impression that this was ok? Am I out of order?" Then I realized it wasn't me – he was just an azz, lol. Nothing says, "You're just some hot booty to me." like asking for Becky during that time. The s.o. could get it like that – but that's a privilage you earn, lol.

      1. Dear Anna and Soo Fly,

        just to verify. In both your individual cases the dude had already beat and smashed your inside to your liking.

        Had either of you given said 'cornball' toppington prior to the Crimson Dawn? Perhaps during his demolition of your dugout?Than he would have been less of a cornball for asking.

        1. To answer your question: Yes, we had been intimate prior to this occassion. It was a lesson, because I thought we were heading for relationshipville and this was clearly a sign that he wasn't. Mother Nature and holiday season tell a woman a lot about where she stands with a man.

        2. **this is a attempt to inform the opposite chex about how men think. I repeat this is an attempt**

          Couldn't it be that the guy actually did care about you and just wanted some top? And maybe the sign that he felt comfortable enough to ask for top is a good sign that he is letting his guard down and not being fake.

          being asked to give a saliva bath shouldn't be considered a sign of dissrespect. Its an honor to get on your knees (I can't even keep a straight face while typing that). But seriously, once you become chexual partners, asking to be comp for rainy days is part of the season ticket package.

        3. Its an honor to get on your knees (I can’t even keep a straight face while typing that).

          I couldn't keep a straight face while reading that. lmao

        4. I have to agree with Cheekz. I don't see what the big deal was. I think it was telling that he thought the relationship had grown enough that he could say that.

          Personally, I walk on eggshells with FwBs and Cut Buddies. They know they are there for just one thing and can get temperamental if they realize it. Girls I like are usually in for the long haul, so with them … I can be me.

      2. Nothing says, “You’re just some hot booty to me.” like asking for Becky during that time.

        Wait Wait… Really though? Is that what it says?

        When that time comes around and I have a regular (not an so), the lady always starts the conversation like this: "Ummm. Could you do me a HUGE favor?" LOL

        Apparently, there's no problem with me ummm… parting the Red Sea. lmao. I'm done. #nomoses

        1. I would say it gives the impression to women that the only reason a man has you around is for some action. In that case, it didn't come up until he started trying to get some (really, it's not part of regular conversation). Then it was like, 15 seconds of heavy sighs and eye-rollin, followed by the dome request. Women can see it in a man's eyes. The look that says, "Heffa I wouldn't have invited your behind over if I'd known you was on your monthly."

        2. “Heffa I wouldn’t have invited your behind over if I’d known you was on your monthly.”

          What man in his right mind would knowingly invite you over during that time?! Its a proven fact that you are less fun to be around with.

          Even your gay male freinds don't want to hang out with you when you are dripping T Cells.

          Heck if Mother Teresa died while on her monthly, St Peter would make her wait in pergutory for 3-7 days..

          #heavendoesntexist

  7. Still in Moderation?!?! Here it is again:

    For me its:

    1. Unintelligent females. Some women look really nice in person and ish. Then you find out she’s an idiot. No… I mean really an idiot.

    2. The “What are we doing?” question or the like from within a pseudo-relationship context. Some women spring this in the middle of foreplay (or right after for that matter). Can we please talk about this when sex is not in the picture (maybe like 3 hours ago during dinner)?!?!?! You know regardless of a guy’s intelligence, most higher order functions break down during a hard on… If the reasons aren’t obvious, Savon (Isaiah Washington) in Love Jones explained it.

    3. Bo*ty-do. You need to fix this ratio by doing squats or sit-ups or hide it extremely well. Pick one…

    4. So much make-up that you look like Krusty the Clown.

    5. Excessively drunk women… Not the loud ones… The ones falling all over the place and knocking over everyone’s drink on the way to the restroom. Where I knew if I took you home, I would end up babysitting you or taking you to the hospital. #notagoodlook

    6. Squeaky voices. I know you can’t help it, neither can I if you expect me to EVER listen to you.

    1. Late to the party. I'll just co-sign MeteorMan's list instead of coming up with my list, especially number one.

  8. For me its:

    1. Unintelligent females. Some women look really nice in person and ish. Then you find out she’s an idiot. No… I mean really an idiot.

    2. The “What are we doing?” question or the like from within a pseudo-relationship context. Some women spring this in the middle of foreplay (or right after for that matter). Can we please talk about this when chex is not in the picture (maybe like 3 hours ago during dinner)?!?!?! You know regardless of a guy’s intelligence, most higher order functions break down during a h*rd on… If the reasons aren’t obvious, Savon (Isaiah Washington) in Love Jones explained it.

    3. B**ty-do. You need to fix this ratio by doing squats or sit-ups or hide it extremely well. Pick one…

    4. So much make-up that you look like Krusty the Clown.

    5. Excessively drunk women… Not the loud ones… The ones falling all over the place and knocking over everyone’s drink on the way to the restroom. Where I knew if I took you home, I would end up babysitting you or taking you to the hospital. #notagoodlook

    6. Squeaky voices. I know you can’t help it, neither can I if you expect me to EVER listen to you.

    1. 2. The “What are we doing?” – When a girl asks this during, directly preceding or directly after chex, IMHO she is trying to bamboozle you into a favorable answer. There are many dudes who would say anything b/c they wanna get to the chex, concentrate on not false starting or are in euphoric state due to getting out the blocks well

      You're right on w/ #4 and #5 too

    2. I have no idea what this boody-to is. At first I thought it was a flat badunk, then you started talking about sit-ups. Help an old lady out and clarify, lol.

      But I can tell you why some women want to have that talk right before or right after. Yes, some are trying to bamboozle, but some just want to know where they stand before they start smutting it up with a guy. They just have the worst timing ever, especially if they're asking after, lol.

        1. I can believe you guys have name for that

          lol

          This post is soooo funny

          So what if they have a small booty?

          Damn lol Im feeling a lil self-conscious right now and yall dont even know what I look like I guess I should take all the clothes off the ablounge Summer is around the corner

    3. 2. The “What are we doing?” question or the like from within a pseudo-relationship context. Some women spring this in the middle of foreplay (or right after for that matter).

      – i knew a woman who loved to do this. when i told her exactly the same thing that i told her that i wanted in the beginning she threw fits. you will not get me to change my mind or say something i don't mean just because i'm bout to get some buns.

  9. If you gotta pee in the middle of the chex, I'm gonna lose it. I dont know why though.

    Girls also should baby powder down there. I shouldnt smell anything when you take your drawers off.

    1. aww I've had to pause for pee before. I know its annoying but…hey. a woman will have EXTREMELY uncomfortable sex with a full bladder. and you gotta make sure to use wipes when ya done. lmao.

      this made me laugh out loud because the whole time you're in the bathroom you're thinking–"aww I know I'm the worst right now…"

    2. Well, sometimes a girl's gotta pee in the middle of s3x because you've stimulated the Gräfenberg Spot, aka the G-spot. So you could be doing something right!

      Unfortunately, if she wipes like I do, then all wetness will be GONE! Then it's back to square one lol

  10. I'm over here HOLLARIN. Like pure unadulterated loud ass outburst LAUGHTER. That dirty bathroom thing is completely disgusting. Yuck and yikes.

    Funny post though.

  11. Things that make me drier than the Sahara…

    1. Bad Breath– You might be fine, but if your breath is funky, it's not happening.

    2. A bad kisser. I love kissing, and a good kisser wouldn't even have to touch me to get me fired up and ready to go. But a bad kisser won't even get a return call from me. Sorry.

    3. Dirty or disorcerly home.

    4. Smelly home. Your place shouldn't smell like you forgot to out the trash. Your bedroom shouldn't smell like your gym bag.

    There are a few more, but I'll stop here.

  12. Nothing dries me up faster than seeing bad teeth or no teeth at all. Like really? You're grown man your teeth shouldn't be throwing up gang signs or be in short supply.

      1. plus nothing is covered under the Aetna dental plan!!

        Thank god I have great teeth. Dentist hate me, they say I am bad for business.

        Not a cavity in 27 years. No braces or anything.

        1. My dentist hates me too! He calls me "poster girl" because he says, he's never seen such a healthy gum line and I'm 29 w/ no cavities- ever! Also, all of my wisdom tooth are growing in and so far, it looks like they won't need to be pulled because they are growing in rather perfectly.

          I just visited w/ my dentist and wanted to share the news 🙂

      2. Slim, there is no excuse for a bamma's teeth starring in the 2010 remake of Picket Fences. Better set some $$ aside in that flex spending account….

      3. Alright, isht that makes my p**** dry up and close up:

        1. CO-sign with the long (JAGGED) finger nails like…gaddamn are u tryna scratch up THESE walls, I don't think so. Take your nasty (probably unwashed nails) and get them clipped.

        2. Dirty muhfu**ing sheets! Your sheets shouldn't look like you washed them a quarter century ago :S UGH soooo nasty. I'm not feelin to lay my back down on that.

        3. Dragon breath. And don't think I won't make a comment about how you need to get your halitosis fixed! You ain't right coming that close to my face smelling like that.

        4. Asking dumb isht like "so what we gon' do girl" *side eye* Well nothing now "eager beaver" (haha had to steal that).

        5. PUTTING YOUR INCISORS ON MY CL*T! I see a gang of guys talking about females keeping their teefs of their D's, but what about those clever dudes who think they read something about a lil nibbling in Maxim? You a fool to come near my woman parts brandishing your teeth like that!

        1. funny story a chick came over one time and i knew we were going to have relations later after a few drinks so i had a nail kit out at the time and i was trimming my nails, and then i filed my nails and then i put on some hand lotion. the chick asks me, so you waited for me to come over to do your nails?! and i said, yes, because i wanted you to see that i keep my hands and nails neat.

  13. LMAO @ Cheekz' comments read in the voice of the guy in the Old Spce commercial. <—–he's on a horse.

    Anyhoo..

    iCan't with too much talking during intimacy. You are allowed to tell me it's mine, get it, or some explitive maybe once or twice, but never three times.

  14. I really shouldn't answer this because then people will accuse me of being stuck up, but just about any and everything has the potential to make me go soft. It usually revolves around women saying dumb things, me losing my train of thought because a woman is doing dumb things, or her asking me to do dumb things.

    For example, thronxing a shorty and she's like talk dirty to me. And I don't reply. Later she's like why don't you talk dirty to me. And I say, "because i'm doing something! And that's not my thing." Next time, thronxing, she's like talk dirty to me, talk dirty to me, etc. Finally, I stop and i'm like, this isn't working, i'll holla.

    1. You reminded me of one. A chick telling me to call her a b*tch while I'm hard at work makes me go numb/soft/flaccid. I just can't do the name calling thing. **shakes head*

      1. You get to thronxing these chicks and you realize why women turn to the pole, p*rno and prostitution. Seriously, some of the names chicks want to be called are dumbfounding.

        Best line I ever heard, I couldn't resist laughing until I cried: "I want you to slap me and then choke the sh*t out of me."

        Whaaaaaat?!

    2. also very wack when men do it. "talk dirty to me"…ummm that is something that is supposed to just happen, and if you weren't trying to give me instructions like i'm assembling a bike, then maybe it would. ugh.

        1. damn…. reading SBM over the pass two days has convinced me that I am horrible in bed.

          Between the anti-trash talking and the 8'' is average.

          SMH… I miss Juniebug already.

          Tomorrow's post is probably going to be about how men with curves in their piece is a turn off. Or maybe how Haitians Sea Men tastes like goat and Heiniken.

          Can a brother do anything right!

        2. @CHeeKZ

          If your girl likes it, I love it!!

          I like a little talk, but I hate when men ask those questions. I'm trying to enjoy the secs, not take an effing final exam.

        3. Sometimes requests tick me off..This guy was making request once "Say my name"…my phone rang..and I picked up…it was too much for me because it wasn't natural..I lost interest..

        4. lol cheekz… not saying a little trash talking isn't nice… but "talk dirty to me" is just not something natural to say and usually if it isn't happening, a dry arse request is definitely not going to make it happen.

  15. i'm with you on the dirty bathroom (well dirty house period). maybe its a double standard but i think a woman should be able to keep a clean house (if mine stays clean then your house should be as well). i remember one time i went a woman's house and she had blunt fillings on her kitchen counter *shudder*

    oh and nothing is wrong with a little (just a little) teeth.

    i'll also go with:

    -bad breath. i'm definitely not kissing you and your mouth is not coming anywhere near my piece.

    -playing hard to get in the moment. if you know you're trying to get my piece to touch your kidneys, why try tease me for 30-40 minutes? playing hard to get will get you nowhere with me.

    1. Co-sign the last one. It's cool and all, but a whole 30-45 minutes?!?! At that point, I'm no longer sure you want any… My body treated it like a false alarm. lol

  16. good post.

    things that make me parched are…

    extreme self-consciousness or extreme insecurity

    excessive talking esp in a condescending 'i'm being an arse but i don't know i am' kind of way.

    dirty house/car

    uninvited advances (we're just chilling, why are you going for the jugular just because i turned your way briefly?)

    bad breath

  17. I thought of something else long or jagged fingernails. What do you think you're touching with those bad boys? You're not getting anywhere near my nether lips with those talons.

  18. Bad kissing…*shudders* if you come at me tongue first all imma see is that thing from Alien like "RAAAAAHHH!"…that's not sessy..at all

    If I can't understand what you're saying…and you're speaking English…some slang acceptable but DAYUM!

    Bad cologne…you stink, go bathe, iCan'tandiWon't with you

    Eating habits…I'm sorry but if I hear your food with all the smack smack smackin' sounding like you're eating 12 mayonnaise sandwiches I will not only lose my appetite but I will pucker up faster than a ripe lemon.

    1. I’m sorry but if I hear your food with all the smack smack smackin’ sounding like you’re eating 12 mayonnaise sandwiches[…]

      This part had me rolling… Not sure why.

  19. I'm inspectress gadget…so I pick up on almost everything…

    1. Bad hygiene is the #1 snoozer..I don't care if its the dirt underneath your nails, or ears wax that I see when I give you a kiss.

    2. Crusty lips (I always have lip moisterizer)

    3. @ Skye Blue: ignorant men

    4. Bush field in the pubic area

    5. Hairy chest…GRRR!

      1. Actually I wouldn't..I respect those that do whatever it takes to remain presentable..Afterwards…when he's smooth..My switch will go back to the ON side…and hey he might just get anything he wants…

        1. Co-sign. I'm sorry. Why is your back or chest all hairy like that looking like you TRYING to start a brush fire

      2. I actually like a little hair on the chest. I didn't always though…but hey. I'm a grown woman. I want a grown azz man. the only men that should wax/shave their chests are wildebeasts and models, IMO.

        now a hairy back is disgusting. I've only seen white guys with those at the water park *dry heaves at the thought*

        1. Guys can get away with smooth chest hair that can easily be tamed. I'm talking about the prickly, ouch hair..I've experineced that before..

  20. Alright, isht that makes my p**** dry up and close up:

    1. CO-sign with the long (JAGGED) finger nails like…gaddamn are u tryna scratch up THESE walls, I don’t think so. Take your nasty (probably unwashed nails) and get them clipped.

    2. Dirty muhfu**ing sheets! Your sheets shouldn’t look like you washed them a quarter century ago :S UGH soooo nasty. I’m not feelin to lay my back down on that.

    3. Dragon breath. And don’t think I won’t make a comment about how you need to get your halitosis fixed! You ain’t right coming that close to my face smelling like that.

    4. Asking dumb isht like “so what we gon’ do girl” *side eye* Well nothing now “eager beaver” (haha had to steal that).

    5. PUTTING YOUR INCISORS ON MY CL*T! I see a gang of guys talking about females keeping their teefs of their D’s, but what about those clever dudes who think they read something about a lil nibbling in Maxim? You a fool to come near my woman parts brandishing your teeth like that!

    1. Yeah, dirty sheets are unacceptable, especially when you've clearly got a washer/dryer unit in your apt/house. It's even more unacceptable if you know I'm coming over and you still don't wash them. Then, I'm gonna be pissed.

  21. My top 5 Sahara-inducing things:

    Long, dirty fingernails. You will NOT come near me with that nastiness. Clippers are your friend. If you work with your hands that's fine – get a nail brush, soap and water.

    Sinus drainage. If I could tell you how many guys blow their noses or hock a mucus-filled spitball and then turn in for a kiss??!! Ugh! It literally makes my skin crawl and induces my gag reflex to type it. Take a Sudafed and handle that.

    Skinny and/or sagging jeans. If you are in high school, that's fine. But a grown man? No.

    Lack of conversation skills. If all you can talk about is the next Gucci song and even that is mumbled and filled with explicatives, I will not call you back. Ever.

    Lack of text skills. I realize it's casual and not an essay or dissertation. But if you are 28 and text me "Whatchu finna do?" or "Dats wats up" I will not take you seriously. Like…what? "What u doing" or "That's cool./Thats what's up" are acceptable (even without the apostrophe), but if you take the time to write "finna?!" Naw…

    1. Please don't get me started with the sinus problems, lol! I was messing with this dude who had TERRIBLE allergies and would try to get some kisses in with his whole face red and just….moist. And sniffly. Had me laughing so hard he started laughin' too like, "I know. But I had to try."

    2. OMG, nothing is more annoying than a man who can't form coherent text messages. I don't know why, but it's a pet peeve when words aren't spelled out properly, punctuation is non-existent, and I've got to read your text about 5 times to figure out what you're trying to say.

  22. @CHeeKZ

    CHeeKZ says:

    March 16, 2010 at 10:50 am

    damn…. reading SBM over the pass two days has convinced me that I am horrible in bed. Tomorrow’s post is probably going to be about how men with curves in their piece is a turn off. Or maybe how Haitians Sea Men tastes like goat and Heiniken.

    I couldn't reply directly to your post above, but wanted to give you a word of encouragement. Men with curves is THE BUSINESS!! Do you go left? Right? Aww hell, it don't matter!! You hold your head up boo. Now as for goat and Heineken flavored Sea Men…idk.

    1. I also wanted to reply to Cheeks..I've never had a man with a curvy..but this weekend I heard that its the business…Can't wait till I meet one..

  23. iDied at this entire post!

    iHate SBM and Slim Jackson for forcing me to trash my

    though provoking post because Im rollin over this one

    Def cosign on the B**ty-Doo. I work hard to keep my body tight and im far from perfect but its just a turn off in general. Sit up much?

    Hairy women will make me pillsbury dough soft. If you're goatee is poppin, the sectin is STOPPIN! If I'm spitting out hairs after s*ckin T*tties… Then I'm going to have to exit stage right. Get a razor and go to WORK! PLEASE!!

    1. Streetz: "If I’m spitting out hairs after s*ckin T*tties… Then I’m going to have to exit stage right."

      Dammit Streetz, you almost made me choke on the sweet potato I'm eating when I read this!

      I have to add to my list: hairy chest, mustaches and chin hair on a woman will make me limp as a piece of cooked spaghetti.

      Anike: "How about hair…down there? lol"

      Doesn't have to be baby's behind smooth, but you shouldn't have an afro either.

  24. Yall ever seen that Charmin commercial where the bear wipes his butt and little pieces of paper are left on his rear……….nuff said.

    Oh and facial hair of any kind. And please don't use razors on your facial hair ladies. We can tell and eventually your skin will become dark on the spot you keep shaving. You have to wax it our pluck it. Or better yet get electrolisis. I'll pay.

    Unsexy draws. My ex spoiled me on that. She wore Vicky's every day. So dem Hanes from Walmart just don't do it for me anymore. Invest in sexy draws ladies. 7 days a week.

    Making silly faces or doing stupid sh*t with your tongue while we sexin. It's a fine line between looking sexy and looking like you possessed by a demon.

    1. You know old ladies never got this memo. I have an aunt who has a lil' goatee and she trims it up. Another aunt (her hairy azz sister) has a neat mustache. Every time I see some groomed but inappropriate facial hair on a woman she is old, black and sitting too close to me in church, lol.

      1. Aw man. Forgot about the ones that have the nerve to line their stuff up. That's just wrong on too many levels. I guess some women just feel like that it's a part of who they are but it is probably at the top of every mans list. Facial hair on a woman is never sexy.

      2. "Every time I see some groomed but inappropriate facial hair on a woman she is old, black and sitting too close to me in church, lol."

        yessssss!

        hormones are a terrible thang, but yea, maintain the arbitrary hairs. its a necessity.

        1. @J I don't know, I don't know many smokers. but some side effects of birth control is hair growth, and with older women its because lack of estrogen especially after they've gone thru "the change".

  25. Things that "make me soft"…

    1. Stinky a** feet! I mean dude, I KNO u smelled them b4 u got 2 my crib.

    2. Too hairy bodies (my tongue will go NOWHERE near ur hairy legs, chest, etc)

    3. Spelling & grammar errors via text. Srry if ur grown there's NO excuse 4 this! (abbreviations r fine but pls kno the diff btwn 'there, their & they're' thx!)

    4. Bein OD thirsty 4 a** & I just met u (ie. askin 4 s*x, head & bein 2 touchy feely). Maybe u don't get any p*ssy on the reg BUT don't make it obvious fam…chill the eff OUT!

    Short list but dating in ATL I come up w/ new 1s DAILY! smh

  26. Bad eating habits- went out to a great restaurant with a man I was really feeling, and he ate like he was raised in a barn. Made slurping noises when he was eating a salad.. really??

    Bad feet-I don’t expect a man to have the perfect pedicure, but I mean super long toenails that could be concealed weapons.. I’m turned off.

    With you on the dirty bathroom..

    Being rude, arrogant, self centered, flat out mean ..

    No type of goals beyond the day to day grind or getting out of your sisters basement.

    Or having unrealistic goals- gonna, wanna, shoulda….

  27. HeLovesMe says:

    Or having unrealistic goals- gonna, wanna, shoulda….

    __________________________________________

    Lately I have been developing some theories to explain this. Because I hear it so often from ladies. And statistics show that women are out pacing men in education and income. But my theory is that a big reason for this is that women care more what people think. And they judge people by income and status even more than men do.

    Further study required….

    1. Girl, THANK YOU!! I'm so mad at Usher for that song – though its not as disgusting as the Twista one that was out a while back. Like Chris Rock said, your only job as a Father is to keep your daughter off the pole – and might I add, to keep her from calling another ninja daddy!

      1. Weeks ago on another site, I wrote about how that daggone Twista song came on the radio when I was riding with my father to pick up my car. It was so uncomfortable and I'd already hated that song before that moment but now(if I have to hear it) it makes my head hurt & my ears want to bleed.

  28. First time over here and while I have nothing to add because the brothers have covered it all, I just want to say this shit is HILARIOUS.

    I agree with the guy about 35-40 minutes of teasing. That's the quickest way to find out erections don't last forever.

    1. Welcome to the party.

      35-40 minutes of teasing and I'm either going soft because I got bored or because I blasted off as soon as the piece touched poomps. #beyondthethreshold

  29. 1. exsessive sweating While doin the do

    I mean like a shower eeewwwww Dont they have medication for that?

    2. nonexsistent p**** I how can I get excited about something I can barely see

    3. telling me how good you are …..and then I find out different

    4. telling me how good you are while we are doin it Let me be the judge Believe me I'll let you know

    5. lazy lay I mean just because your huge Dosent mean you just lay there

    6. begging

    I could go on

    1. Outside of the sweat (I like knowing dude is putting in some work) I totally agree with this list. Really, showboats/braggarts need to go (specially on the innanets, tee-hee). Unusually small nepises must go. And owners of unusually large nepises that feel just showing up is enough need to be Lorena Bobbitted and their nepises donated to the hardworking owner of a baby carrot, lol.

      1. OMG I cant believe I left off

        Not having a gat da*n condom

        Not only am I Instantly dry as the freaking grand canyon But trust you wont see me again

        Now if I have mine on me I will lay down But trust you still wont see me again

        lol

        1. But really. I've found myself in situations where I had no idea the girl planned on sleeping with me. And therefore did not bring a condom.

        2. Side eye to J on this Cause men are told and taught to carry jimmys on their person from highschool up Like they gonna trip on rock in the middle of the street and fall into some nuckie

    2. I think I posted about this here before, or on some other blog but I have the FONDEST memory of a guy that sweat dripped all over me once doing the do–all.over.me.. If he had looked up at my face, it probably would've made him soft! LOL. he never got the goodies ever again after that. i.was.grossed.out. *cringe*

        1. Yeah. I leave my real bragging for when I'm on liquid steroids (a variety of alcohols) or I just cleared the tank. Can't get caught out there talking about the magic stick while barely being able to get the rabbit out of the hat.

    3. for women who say that they don't like when a man sweats, if he is putting in ALL the work then maybe that might happen (not saying that happens to me lol). but to prevent or help with this laides, try taking on some of the work load.

  30. I don't think yall got my crude reference to the Charmin bear….LOL

    Fellas, you know how you be hittin from the back and spread the ..ChXXks…….and find out she didn't use Charmin cause it's two little pieces of paper back there……ROFL…….EPIC SOFT.

    Then you wonder why Americans don't have bedits like Europeans.

    C'mon now. Martin Lawrence did a whole skit about this.

      1. ROFL…..I figured nobody got it cause it didn't gross anyone out.

        I believe Martin's words were "Don't go to the bathroom then hop your sh**y a** back in the bed."

        Lookin like the bear that didn't use Charmin.

        1. You know sometimes you guys and really make me feel like Ive accidently stepped in the mens locker room at the local gym lmao

          But the information is truley appreciated

  31. laurinsofia says: March 16, 2010 at 5:04 pmYou know sometimes you guys and really make me feel like Ive accidently stepped in the mens locker room at the local gym lmao

    But the information is truley appreciated

    _________________________________________

    You know I really hesitated to explain it but yeah……I figured if I can save one person from this embarassing scenario than I've done a good thing. LOL

    Probably 50% people on this blog walkin around with extraneous materials in appropriate places and don't even know it. That's what they get for using Scotts. LOL

    See this is why, whenever possible, you always shower or bath before sex.

    1. Ohhh golly… that's just not right.

      Every one should be buying wipes (Cottenelle) or baby wipes. You can get a pack of forty wipes for less than $1 at Wal Mart and you can get a pack of 80 for a $1 at any Dollar Tree. I recommend buying those Huggies Premiums in bulk/refill for $5 or $6 because you won't have to buy anymore for at least 3 months.

  32. I got on this post late. Too funny. Lemme go to the gym right now and make sure my tummy don't stick out farther than my booty do. Its this haitian rice n beans tho that be killin a sista's diet. :starts up elliptical machine:

  33. Hmmmm…don't know what to add that hasn't been said but urr

    Socks. I haaaate a man who is naked with socks on. We should be doing enough activity that you'll stay warm.

    Excessive Chest Hair. Nope. Just shave.

    Sloppy kisses. You are not a [email protected] pitbull.

    Bad s!x. I will stop you in the middle and ask you to leave. No point in making us BOTH suffer.

    1. I thought about it before the (Stoping for us both because its so bad) But then I think Damn, his feelings lol But Im getting better at telling a dude to kick rocks I think it comes with age

  34. Turn offs:

    1. Halitosis

    2. Excessive Sweat

    3. Hairy ears and nose

    4. Raggedy shoes

    5. Inability to use words in the proper context while speaking. In other words, trying to use sesquipedalians and don't know what the hell he's talking about.

    6. Asking me for money

    7. Unkempt hair and facial hair

    8. Sloppy kissing

    9. Fetishes that border on insanity. Gosh, I've heard some real "doozies" in conversation.

    10. Crap that lodges in the corner of the mouth. Who wants to kiss a guy like that? Ugh!!!

  35. Someone attempting to have unprotected sex. Its not happenin', but the fact that you even tried or suggested it with me probably means that you've tried it before and chances are some other chick let you succeed. Nasty a$$. Its 2010. New strains of that ninja come out every day. In the words of Furious Styles, "The pill ain't gonna keep your dcik from fallin' off!!"

  36. Aw, this is a really quality post. In theory I'd like to write like this also – taking time and real effort to make a good article… but what can I say… I procrastinate alot and never seem to get anything done. London,UK

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