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SBM.Org’s Top 5 Relationship Dealbreakers


When dealing with the opposite sex, I’m far from high maintenance. I look for certain things and ultimately look to coexist, have a good time, and avoid drama at all costs. I got interviewed by Essence , and they asked me about 10 questions including “What’s the Dealbreaker in a relationship for you?” They didn’t publish the answer to that questions, so I decided to list me top 5 here. There’s just some things that I won’t tolerate, and when these top 5 things occur, I’m Swayze:

#5 – Psycho Tendencies: Confession: I think crazy can be sooo sexy. Only a LITTLE crazy though, like .010% crazy. When we get into Jasmine Sullivan territory, that’s no bueno! Any woman willing to commit Caricide to my V, physically harm me (and I don’t mean slappin… I mean gangsta rap induced beat-downs), or who will question every Facebook Status, BBM update, twitter message, phone call, or anything else needs to beat it! Those tendencies reveal a lack of security, and a threat to my peace of mind, and we can’t have that! Ladies, spare me the “Men make us do this” excuses too!

#4 – She DON’T got her own: Let me present a mathematical proof: Various artists have proclaimed that “It aint trickin if you got it”. Streetz does not trick. Streetz does not “got it”. Therefore, to spend $$ Streetz doesn’t have frivolously on a woman would be considered trickin, and since Streetz is not capable of trickin, this action cannot occur. QED

There’s nothing wrong with taking care of those you care about. The problem lies with women who have no ambition, have no car/job/crib/life plan, yet will criticize every dude for not living up to her status quo. I can respect a golddigger more because she at least has a life plan, and if a salad ass nikka is willing to take them to the promise land, then so be it. I’m not the one. I don’t expect a woman to live my life or accomplish what I did. However, certain qualities (independence, ambition, and intelligence) are sexy, productive, and necessary in my book. If you have the confidence of a deer caught in headlights, or the intelligence of a bottle of water, I’m good. I’ll even add personality. If you’re personality and conversational skills are drier than the Sahara, go..THAT way!

See Also:  Why Does It Take So Much Work For Men Not To Cheat?

#3 – Cheating/Lying: I know myself and I know that if a woman cheated on me, I’d feel a certain way. This actually would depend on my mood. I may feel apologetic and forgiving, or I could cut them off immediately. Who knows if I would get over it. It’s a case-by-case situation for me though. I even include lying in this, because when women lie, yall lie about SERIOUS sh*t! I don’t care about little lies, men do it all the time we ALL tell BS lies, like “Oh I fell asleep that’s why I didn’t call you back” when in reality you just forgot, lol. So if you’re lying, cheating, etc, I question everything else, and it’s not a good look from there. Time heals all wounds and depending on the situation I can forgive, but I won’t forget. It’s always better to end something than to harbor ill feelings and hold it over someones head forever, which no one deserves.

#2: Sexual incompatibility: Sex isn’t everything for other people in a relationship, but its an integral part in overall physical compatibility. I’ve heard enough horror stories from men and women to know that I’m not alone in this. If I could get more sensation from humping the bed than I can from her, then it’s time to call it quits. If someone wraps your relationship over sex, be happy because eventually they would feel the need to attain their sexual seduction elsewhere. I don’t even know how bad sex, horrible sex, or anything worse can be tolerated for extended amounts of time. If someone can explain that to me I’d appreciate it, because that doesn’t compute in my mind.

See Also:  Why Black Men Take Longer to Get Married

#1- Invasions of privacy (My answer to Essence): Lil Wayne’s Mrs Officer shed light that there are some sexy/beautiful law enforcement women out there, HOWEVER that doesn’t mean I’m into FBI induced behavior when ina  relationship! All the private eye behavior (breaking into phones, email accounts, checking garbage cans,etc) earns you an immediate release from your contract. I don’t do it, nor do I ever feel compelled to snoop, so I don’t think she should either! Ladies, you can tell me all you want about “women’s intuition” and finding something knowing you were right. Sorry, it’s STILL wrong. Fellas, if your shorty ever finds out damaging info on you by super-duper snoopin, please cite that the bill of rights Fourth Amendment protects you from unlawful search and seizure and without a proper warrant, that “evidence” is inadmissible in your conversation.

What’s the #1 DealBreaker for you? Is this list unreasonable? I’d like to hear what other things will have you cross a potential mate off the list. Holla at me!



  1. My certain dealbreaker is if the lady is too lazy. I don't like a lazy bag of bones who wouldn't be any inspiration to herslf let alone me. I'd rather go it all alone – or with someone else.

  2. Co-sign!

    What behavior would constitute 10% crazy? lol…just curious..and do men really like the nice calm girl..seems like ya'll respond to explosive behavior more readily than you will to a woman who is calm and rational…..

    Sexual incompatibility is trickey…some people can learn on the job with training (lol)..but if you are talking about if another person is into sexual acts and experimentation that you are not into..I think that would disqualify you in my life quicker, depending on what it was….

    As far as snooping goes..I am of the mind that if you go seeking out something to incriminate someone with…you will probably find it…and if you do find something…now what? Usually, if a person is doing something ill behind your back..it will usually be revealed in time…

    I have alot of disqualifiers..but, your list is a pretty good list to start with.

  3. I'm going to go with all of the above- add on selfishness and emphasize lying.

    I hate people who never think of others and in a relationship if you never think of me when you make decisions (yes even small ones) what I am to think about how you feel about me.

    And lying? Booooy oh boy. That's grounds for being cut off in an instant.

  4. Overly emotional dudes will make me get my Marion Jones on #nosteroids. I mean it's okay to show some emotion in certain situation but if you cry more than me it's a wrap. Sometimes I think emo dudes attempt to use their emotions as control mechanism. Let me hit these waterwork she won't leave. I'll hand you a box a tissue and scurry my behind out of the door.

    Lying is a big deal to me especially when I know you're lying. I had an ex that use to lie when the truth was convenient. I feel like it's a insult to common sense when you don't tell the truth. I can no longer trust you and soon and very soon I'll have that church finger in the air.

  5. Streetz!! Awww… such a good look in Essence. Congrats. Anywho, good post. This one had me laughing all throughout. My favorite phrases –

    1. Streetz does not “got it”.

    2. QED – takin me back to my undergrad philosophy class.

    3. …the intelligence of a bottle of water

    Lmao. Coincidentally they all appeared in the same dealbreaker. I guess I could laugh easy b/c I got my own. Hmph.

    I think this was a good list… but can we add:

    6. Dirty fingernails — OMG. This one kills me… wash your hands. NOW. I know it's superficial but it's my list.

    There, now the list is complete. Lol.

  6. Totally in agreement with this list. But here is my one and only complaint. Why is it that men get to say what was stated here, that a woman with intelligence, drive, and independence is a requirement for them, but women don't? If I were to make this same comment about the type of man I prefer in a room full of dudes, I'd immediately hear that I'm being too damn picky. "Lonely old cat lady in the making", to be exact. What kinda bullshit is that?!?!

    OK, I'm done ranting…proceed…

    1. Welcome?!?

      It's all a numbers game (I guess), and we're not allowed to have standards. Well, at least not according to some men (and women, unfortunately).

      However, the men on here TEND to not be the ones to say lower your standards and stop being picky.

      1. You have every right to set standards and specific criteria for potential SOs. You'd be a fool not to. Anyone who says otherwise is nuttier than squirrel poo…. >:0[

        1. "nuttier than squirrel poo" Tee hee. *I'm feeling easily amused today.*

          Oh yeah, SBM, there's a nice little shoutout to you in the comments over on VSB in case you haven't seen it.

  7. A couple things for me.

    1. Faith – I doubt I could ever have had a relationship with someone who didn't believe. It's too big a part of who I am.

    2. Race – I value the shared experience people of color have with one another. I have trouble seeing myself with someone who could only value that experience in a vicarious sort of way. I also couldn't see myself with a person of color, who didn't value that shared experience.

    3. Inability to communicate. Communication is the key to any and all relationships. Can't be with anyone who doesn't know how to communicate their feelings effectively.

    4. Excess Baggage – Can't date a woman who has too much drama going on in her life – unresolved issues with her father, 2 or 3 ex's that she still talks and hasn't really gotten over… all that stuff takes away from the relationships – handle that, then jump back on the scene.

    5. 2 or more kids – One I could do – 2 or more is a bit much. Can't see myself raising 2 kids who are not my own. (might make an exception if she had twins – not sure). No offense to the moms out there. If I had a kid already it'd be different…

    I'm sure there are more, these are just the first things that came to my head…

    1. Faith is a deal breaker for me too. It's hard enough building a relationship when you're with a person of the same faith, but being with someone who doesn't believe in what you believe in will cause problems.

      1. Sometimes things aren't that complicated. My s/o is Muslim and I was raised Christian. We haven't had any issues. Our situation is a tad unique. In undergrad I focused on Islamic Studies and he went to Catholic school back home. We both have a lot of understanding of each other's religious roots.

  8. "I can respect a golddigger more because she at least has a life plan"

    You killed me dead with that line.

    I have only one dealbreaker: bad manners.

    It's perfect because it covers a multitude of sins – everything from being crazy to not washing your hands to lying can be considered bad manners.

    1. And you can't take a person with bad manners anywhere. They will embarass you each and every time…as I read the comments, I realize I have a lot of deal breakers.

    2. I sooooo agree w/ this bad manners is just not acceptable… and I hate RUDE people. No one needs to know your opinion via your words or body language all the time. STFU already. Rudeness is not okay. I have a sense of humor so sarcasm I can do, but rude people I won't.

  9. I've learned if a man lies about something small and really insignificant, he'll lie about something more serious–so that's my number one deal breaker.

    Having psycho tendancies is another deal breaker–if you are or need to be taking prozac–then we don't need to be together. The only drama I like to see is what's in between the pages of a book.

  10. LMBO. never thought of a golddigger having a life plan. nice. i guess that is one helluva life plan.

    i agree with your list. and i'll add selfishness and a stringent unwillingness to change. ew.

    like, if we can never experience new things cause you "only" do this and "only" eat here… i will think you as a five-year-old, and i don't date kindergartners.

    LOL at .010% crazy. what exactly is that? i think every black woman has that percentage in her. lol

    good post.

  11. I CANNOT STAND dumb women. Like unintelligent, can barely have a conversation arse women.

    Girls who "like" things only to impress you. Dont say "you're hyped about the NFL Draft" and only know 3 ppl in the damn thing.

    Girls who are always "woe is me, i'm so lonely, i cannot find a man". I dont have a real issue w/ this in of itself. I only have an issue when the women saying this either never goes outside or only stays in Washington Heights.

    1. We share a brain son [||] lol

      Dumb women will never prosper with me… a damn waste or air!

      I cant do clingy either… like I saw someone post on twitter

      "clingy is for saran wrap, NOT for relationships!"

  12. Oh and another deal breaker for me is a man who doesn't read. I'm a writer so maybe, I would want to bounce an idea or two off you–even if you don't read books (which I prefer that you do), at least read the newspaper and/or a magazine on a regular basis.

    1. Co-sign on a trillion! I've dealt with this and actually dumbed myself down for the ninja…smh…yes I admit. Suffice to say it couldn't last. He had to go to the left.

  13. 1. Faith (co-sign with TMIMITW). If I'm going to church and she's making sacrifices to Quetzalcoatl, things ain't gonna work out.

    2. Women with no friends or hobbies. I can't be your only source of entertainment.

    3. Dumb women (co-sign with Peyso). She doesn't have to have a PhD, but if she has a double-digit IQ, we aren't going to relate.

    4. Ugly women. My stunning good looks should help make up for it, but I can't do my future kids like that. Sorry.

    5. Low-class women. I don't care how good she may look, what she has accomplished, or how intelligent she is; if she is loud and ignorant, I'm gonna have to heed Solomon's advise in Proverbs 11:22.

    I'm sure there's more, but that's it for now.

    1. .."Your stunning good looks"

      Post a real picture of yourself instead of that monster/count dracula you currently have up there…lol.

  14. My brain is a puddle right now, so I can't think of much to say in the way of dealbreakers, although I will 100% cosign your list. As for my personal dealbreakers…

    1. Being overly concerned with what people think and how they perceive you. It just irks my nerve that you poo poo ideas because you don't want to be a grown ass man seen bowling mostly SOBER or you don't want your boys to think you're whipped so you won't come to my niece's bday party at the skate deck. 0_o

    2. I've said it before, I'll say it again, homophobia. I think this is self-explanatory.

    3. Too sensitive and/or can't handle sarcasm (goes along with sense of humor). Especially if you can dish it but get butthurt when it comes back to ya. I'm too sarcastic for all that.

    I may have more later… or not. *shrugs*

  15. this is a good list son. i agree with all of them.

    i don't think "she don't her own" applies to me as a deal breaker. if she has no drive, no ambition, etc then we wouldn't even make it to a relationship for it to be a deal breaker. *shrug*

    sexual incompatibility is another big one for me. i like sex. actually i like it a lot. since i like sex a lot then i feel like it should be exciting and fun not boring and mundane. if your idea of exciting sex is missionary then you might as well chuck the deuces.

    my number one deal breaker is physical violence. some women think its ok. it's really not. i've seen women put their hands on men in ways that i really admired the man's restraint. i've seen a woman try to hit a man with a car outside a club because she was mad he was talking to another girl. drunk b*tches. smh. if a woman puts her hands on me. game over. insert 50 cents.

    1. I can't believe I forgot about that one. Yes, physical violence is my numero uno. I am *almost* incapable of striking another person out of anger, so if a man were to hit me it's highly unlikely that I provoked it. Either way, the second a man puts his hands on me, is the last second he will ever see my face again.

      Now that I'm thinking again, I want to bump excessive drug use (Mary Jane) and any drug use (other substances) into the #2 spot. I would think the reasons are obvious.

      Also, I can't imagine a person not really liking sex and I can't imagine a person who wouldn't get bored with missionary.

      1. Sane:

        "Also, I can’t imagine a person not really liking sex and I can’t imagine a person who wouldn’t get bored with missionary"

        Sheeeit..I can give you the stories of a few miserable people that do. Lawd.

  16. All of the above are deal breakers…plus:

    Not understanding the confidentiality clause between a man and his woman.

    I need to trust that what goes on between us is going to stay between us. No one needs to know EVERYthing about me.

    1. Agreed to the privacy clause… I mean I expect you to talk to your boys, just as you should expect me to talk to my girls… but some things just need to stay between us. It's our 'house' we must protect it. Don't be telling your boys all my tricks of the trade & be surprised when he tries to make a move… You gave him the upperhand.

  17. someone mentioned it above..

    1. Faith.. not only faith, but an EXISTING relationship with God.. this means that we read the same book and understand it..

    2. when your word means NOTHING!! i am GONE!! i'm an observant chick, and TRUST when i say that there's very few things i'll ever forget you said.. there's few considerations i'll give.. but when "we're going out tomorrow night.." turns into "the fellas called, and we got caught up.." AND there's no phone call.. not only does your word mean nothing, but you don't value and/or respect my time.. nuff said..

    3. he's not willing to try new things.. my idea of cuisine IS NOT chicken tenders and honey mustard sauce.. they don't serve that at the thai restaurant..

    4. someone that physically doesn't take care of themselves.. i already run the risk of you dying before me. WHY you wanna help nature along and not exercise?? (there's more to it, but that's the basic gist..

    5. expecting me to "complete you".. i HAD to explain that it wasn't "two halves making a whole".. it was two WHOLE people becoming better WHOLE people.. he just didn't get it..

    6. not being your own person.. i'm not asking you to be a radical.. but formulate your own ideas.. if your ideas coincide with what's popular then i'll respect it.. but if you're only wearing/saying/doing that because Drake and Lil Wayne said it's hot.. then i consider you a lemming.. and they died at the end of the story…

    i think that might be it for now.. until i read a comment that makes me go "SAY WORD!!"

    1. 5. expecting me to “complete you”.. i HAD to explain that it wasn’t “two halves making a whole”.. it was two WHOLE people becoming better WHOLE people.. he just didn’t get it..


      PLEASE SAY THIS AGAIN!!! Wow..lol! I completely cosign on this. People never get this!

      And as for

      "i’m an observant chick, and TRUST when i say that there’s very few things i’ll ever forget you said."

      I think this is 99.99% of all women.. and I hate that yall do this. LOL

  18. OK so a couple of things

    1) THe .010% crazy is the "finger in your face/i dont care whos watchin/ill show out in front of people in hopes that you take it out on me in the bedroom" kind of crazy that women exhibit. Anything over that is dangerous

    2) I forgot to add that a woman has to be > 6 months out of a relationship for me to even consider it. Too many swindles, too many setbacks. one day I'll make a post on that. word.

    1. I would say a good year out of a serious relationship..or Im giving you the side-eye.

      Swindle? again with swindles…SMH. You killin me;-)

  19. #5 – Psycho – You'd be surprised what you will do when you fall in love. You will do some crazy things that you are never proud of. Make sure not to establish a pattern of behavior and you may be able to keep your man/woman.

    #1 – Robocop – Never go through a man's cell phone, just don't do it. But men, if your girl goes through your cell phone, she shouldn't find anything. So why do people worry about someone going through their cell phone? I think this is one of those principle things.

    1. Yo Jax I think the whole going through the cell phone thing is a moot point by now. Tiger scared the whole world straight on that. If you're still text messaging your side chick or leaving her voicemails with your name and social security #, or receiving text messages or voicemails from her – you're an idiot.

      Not that I condone cheating. But, #ImJustSayin, if you're gonna do it, don't use the same phone you use to call your momma to call you garden tools.

      1. lol good point. But don't get caught with two phones either because how will you explain having a 2nd phone that your main lady don't know anything about. #Imjustsayingtoo

  20. I agree with this list 100%

    I'll add Cheating as my #1 dealbreaker – there's absolutely no coming back from that…EVER.

    …and dealbreaker #1a is him not actually having cheated yet but tryna pull the "it's in a man's nature, you should just accept it and not take it personally" BS (does that qualify as a swindle? LOL) but yeah, I'm not buyin it, iRefuse. It just reads as intent to one day cheat and you're tryna soften me to the idea of forgiving you when you do.

    A lot of excellent dealbreakers mentioned already so I won't rehash but…

    Question about the Faith dealbreaker – what if a person is spiritual but not religious and does not go to church. I believe in having strong spirituality and not necessarily being religious – I have a personal relationship with God but I do not go to church and I do not want to – if a person has the same values and beliefs as you do but they do not wish to formally worship in church is that a dealbreaker if you do formally worship?

    I'm not talking about being unevenly yoked as far as "he's muslim and I'm christian" just same belief system but different ways of worship/maintaining relationship with God…

      1. LMAO @ swindlometer! And damn an 8.6 (didn't expect that), I suspect there's many a swindler pretty upset with being exposed this way…but Eff 'Em

    1. @HeadMistress, that's what we call the #PerempetorySwindle. Justifying misdeeds before you commit them is as bad as lying after you've committed them. I've done it before though #DontJudgeMe.

      In terms of faith. It's a fine line. As a person who goes to church every Sunday, I can't imagine being married to some one who was totally against it. I think that if you're spiriatual, and you believe in the same God I do (not the meso-american diety Hugh referenced above) you would eventually start going to church.

      I used to be "spiratual" but not "religous" when I was in college and going through my whole "religion is the cause of all the worlds ills" phase. Eventually I got off that milk and moved on to solid food.

      1. @ TMIMITW I get what you're saying and I'm not against worship, and I really don't mean the "spirituality" that the blatant willful sinners feign to try to keep people off their backs.

        I had a strong Christian upbringing so the groundwork/background is there…I can read literature, pray (with my man/husband if need be) and read the bible independently without all the stuff that turns me off to "church." I was raised a JW and although I believe the core teachings I don't buy the "we're the only ones that will inherit the earth" the "everyone who's not a JW will die at Armegeddon" and the "everyone in the world who's not a JW is midsguided or evil and you must limit your association with them" swindles.

        But I like the serenity of their meetings, other people say they are boring but I guess I'm just used to it. I've been to other churches and the theatrics (no disrespect intended) is just too much for me. I can't focus.

        I won't even get into the greed, hypocrisy and what not of a lot of (not all) church folks (JW's included)

        So I take what I know and maintain/build on that on my own.

        1. @HeadMistress, I think if you and I dated, you'd end up going to church. Not because I'd force you, but, I think as we grew together, we'd find some sort of common ground on the matter.

          I guess the most simple way I can put is to say that I put my faith in the idea of the church and what it's supposed to represent, I put no faith in the people who run the church. So, when I go every Sunday, and Sing, and if I lift my hands up (even though I'm not really a hand lifter-upper) or when I tithe, it's not me putting faith in the humans running the church, they fall just as short of the glory as I do, it's an act of submission to the God who I put all my faith in. He will judge them just as he will judge me. Doesn't matter at all – to me – if they're greedy hypocrites who misappropriate my hard earned money.

        2. @ TMIMITW – Gotcha, and I must admit that how you handle it is the right way to handle it (what's funny is that my father the "HOTH Bully" always says the same thing, so naturally I reject it coming from him) 🙂

          I really have to work on tolerance because I have -None for situations and/or people that irritate me…

    1. LMAO!!!!

      I'm trying to imagine the breakup convo that takes place after she says it…LOL

      Might I add people who say "conversate"….bleghck!

    2. ..LOL.

      What if I asked you whose money is that in your pockets? You're running a swindle with that statement..and I am not falling for it…the soda is mines…just like that money is yours…

    3. LMAO!! Man TheMostInterestingManInTheWorld, based on your dealbreakers/things that are important to you, I thought that you were my soulmate until I read that "mines" comment. I would TOTALLY say that. Dah well!

  21. I can't be with a woman that doesn't have her own life. She needs to have her own friends, her own hobbies, her own aspirations. I want to share my world, and I want her to share hers.

    I don't want to be the center of anyone's life.

    I want to be a part of it.

  22. What a great quality article! This is awesome content with thoughtful viewpoints and persuasive content. I've learned some new things about this subject. I am totally impressed with your writing style and presentation. Thank you.


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