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Things you should never (ever) tell your significant other!

56

I believe in honesty …

I mean really.  I think that honesty is great. People’s ability to handle “the truth” is significantly better than it was back in the day.  While our parents may not have been able to handle statements like “I’m still dating other people” or “I’m doing me” and be able to cope with it properly, we have gone through the hell that dating has transformed into and learned to handle these harsh truths.  Pat yourself on the back right now … because its not easy.

Sadly … there are just somethings that you need to keep to yourself.  If you really love someone, there are things that you do not need to tell them.  You are not doing them any favors and you are not helping them.  Instead, you are being mean and thoughtless.

So I present … SBM’s List of Things you should never tell your significant other

You were my second (or third/fourth/80th) choice

When you are “getting to know” someone, you may very well be dating other people.  You may be truly interested in more than one person, with an obvious “winner”.  But sadly, life doesn’t always go the way we want.  Your #1 may have shown his a$$ or smashed of her baby’s daddy leaving you with no option but to take them out the running.  Your #2, when given the chance, may have proven his/herself to be everything you wanted and more.  Now your with the person, so it doesn’t matter.  You should never ask someone this question … EVER!  And if your asked, lie … or better yet be honest and say “What the f* does it matter … I’m smashing you now aint I?!”

See Also:  Slim's Signs of Craziness

Your not the best lover I’ve had

I don’t care if they are a friend with benefits, cut buddy, or love of your life … this one is just mean.  Do you think you are doing them a favor? Do you think you are motivating them to try harder? Or are you just being a mean motherf*er?  I see too many men and women claiming that “must let them know.” And to you I say STFU.  They already know they might not be your best, but it doesn’t matter.  The best ain’t here now.

Your friend is really sexy

Think it to yourself, say it to your friends, but there is no need to have your girl side eyeing you every-time she brings her big booty friend around and there is no reason to have your man trying to keep Tyrone and you in separate rooms every-time he comes over for dinner.

I remember the last time I smashed *insert random ex* and boy was it good

This is how guys get cut and girls get slapped.  I don’t condone either one … but I’m telling you how this sh*t goes down.  S*x and an Ex … STFU.

I am going to kill you

This should be one of those surprises.  You don’t want them beating you to the punch and you end up suffocated the night before their car is set to explode.  Now everybody is dead … cause you couldn’t keep your fool mouth shut.

See Also:  Husbands...and The Friendzone

I poked holes in the condom

At this point I think you hear the Mortal Kombat “Finish Them” voice in the background and I think, according to my lawyer friend, you can literally rip their spine out and face no legal recourse. ***for legal reasons, SBM cannot confirm this information***

I touched the iceberg and my finger is a little cold.  What are some other key things you just should never say to your significant other?  Men?  Women?

– SBM aka “Finish Him” aka I better not get asked any of these questions later


Comment(56)

  1. I don't understand why anybody would ask if they were the first choice or if they're the best lover so & so has had. Cannot wrap my mind around that. When I'm asked, my answer is simple… "I don't answer those questions." Yes, it may be easier to lie or tell the truth but it keeps my spirit clear from the guilt of lying or hurt somebody's feelings. It's so much easier for me to say "I don't answer those questions." And when asked why not… "Because the answer doesn't matter." If you're the best, you won't have to ask.

    I definitely don't want to hear any of the others on the list. No stories about who you used to hit. No explaining about holes in condoms. No 'Yo. Your friend, Tracy, is kinda cute.' Word?! None of that. Keep all of that to yourself. UGH!

    1. Sadly, this option only works for a woman. A man simply saying "I don't answer those questions" has a high probability of getting cussed out and/or hit.

      Double Standards are a b*

  2. first of all, LMAO @ "you end up suffocated the night before their car is set to explode" say Word!!

    in my experience,

    "oh, your friend tried to holla at me the other day" is NOT a winner.. you just shut it down on the side,and leave it alone..

    also in contention.. "You're acting JUST LIKE (insert name of ANY other dude here)" is BOUND to get you mentally slapped!!

    not only is there a "FINISH HER" at the end.. but there is NO possibility of a "Friendship, FRIENDSHIP?!" either.. Lol…

    i'm sure i gotz more, but come on.. it's 2 o clock!!

    1. Big ups to Nick on that “oh, your friend tried to holla at me the other day”… it is definitely NOT a winner. It's even worse when that's their 'best friend.' That bros before h*es sh*t is real. Lol. Why I gotta be the h*e b/c your mans tried to holla at me and you couldn't 'leave em hanging to the left like a testie?' Ugh. Btw, its fine… I'll go get a new dude but trust & believe ur friend is grimey & will do that ish again.

      Luckily this only happened once. The second instance w/ new dude… he & his best friend were on the verge of a split anyways… I think they cited irreconciliable differences. #jessejamesshrug

      1. How about comparing someone to your male bff. I said something the other day off hand comparing him to my best friend on an issue and I got the serious stank face. Whoops- wont' be doing that again.

        1. You know you done f*cked up now. That is actually worst than the ex in my opinion. The Male BFF is a lot more of a threat than an ex.

    2. I'm torn on this one. I understand why you say that, but what if word gets back to my SO that his boy hit on me and I didn't say anything? Doesn't it now make it look like I was hiding something from him?

  3. I, also believe in honesty as I always write on my blog but there are some things that need to be kept to yourself. Some is unnecessary information and other things are just messed up. I visited my friend and her fiancé and I heard way too many TMI tidbits coming out of their mouths. My friend knew about her fiancé's crazy night of s*x with his ex and he knew about her black bf with the big piece. And I thought now really does this piece of information really bring those two closer together?!

    I think past amazing experiences is a huge no-no. Keep that to yourself and create new experiences with the new person in your life.

    1. Its shocking that they knew this about each other … but it might be more shocking that they were talking about this in front of you.

      Mad about the black ex with the big piece though …

  4. (1) I'm so glad I read this. The 1st one is completely MEAN. Once you're with them, the others DO NOT matter…

    (2) I must admit once I've done the #2 and told someone they weren't my best. BUT it was because he was arguing with me that he turned me out, he's' the reason I like s*x, etc. etc.

    (3) Wow… I can't imagine this leaving anyone's lips. This calls for a "I'm Walking Away" moment (#NoCraigDavid)

    (4) I'm going to kill you?! Lmaooo #MovingAlong

    (5) LMFAO @ Mortal Kombat. I said it out loud too!! I poked holes in the condom aka I don't value my life and I want to die under your hands. Please proceed.

    I just thought of one, courtesy of Twitter. "I want to smell your genitals" O_O it was so random. I read it tonight..out of NOWHERE.. but um #AwkwardTurtle

      1. Lmao absolutely NOTHING! But it was just random. Ehh, I guess you can ask if you want but that's awkward if it just comes out of nowhere. lol

  5. LMAO @ I'm going to kill you. I have nothing to add… if you feel the need to confess go to therapy or keep a journal!

  6. I don't want to know who you danced w/ at the club. Why? Because I wouldn't tell you and, yes, I'm sure as hell gonna dance with somebody and I'm sure you will as well. Don't volunteer this information b/c it'll spark unneeded curiosity and nobody really wants to know those things.

    (Now, if I ask you, then that means I already know you bumped into that chick that texts you all the time and I know you grinded on her for 3 songs (including Body's Calling by R. Kelly) b/c my homegirls little cousin saw you & I probably have pics. So, go ahead and pack your sh– wait, that's another topic all together. My bad, lol.)

    Also, I don't want to know that your boy has/had a crush on me. Yes, it is funny when you rib him about it when you're alone but keep that between ya'll. Now, everytime I see him, I gotta give him a church hug. SMH.

    1. Personally I think who you danced with isn't that big of a thing. Did you dance and how you dance would possibly be a question, but I know I have never cared personally. Its the club and your coming home to me … so dance away.

  7. LMAO funny post SBM. I can dig all of these, but I pose a question to you………I can see if they're the best, but what if they're the worst you've ever had? I mean, I'm not saying to tell them they're THE WORST but I gotta do something to help them step their game up right?! Hmmm, post idea I think………..SBM, Flawless Victory!

    1. If she is the worst, or if she is even bad … there are 5 million better ways to convey this besides "you're not the best" or "you're the worst"

      How about "we need to get that deep throat action just a little better"?

  8. D*ck size comparisons are NEVER a good tell all topic. Unfortunately, regardless of how much you ensure your partner bigger is NOT ALWAYS better (which honestly, its not) men don't seem to wanna hear about how your monster d*ck ex just didn't Kappashimmystyle dive into the p*ssy like he does.

    1. I kind of wrapped this into the "best lover one" but I was thinking of putting it as a separate one.

      I can't go into all the nuances of the male ego, but if you love him in any way, shape, or form … you will not tell him he isn't the biggest. If he asks … that is on him.

      1. As a mother, I find the best way to sooth a man who isn't holding as much as you may have been accustomed to (if you've spilled the beans) is to hit 'em with the "babe…you don't have a *small* d*ck, I just have a giant vagina! Post babies, this bad boy ain't what it used to be!"

        Its a win win because it builds him up and cuts you down at the same time. That way he feels justified, and like he discovered one of your 'issues' as well.

        1. Maybe that worked for you … but I can't see me wanting to hear that at all.

          First mistake, you said "small d*ck".

          Second Mistake, you downlplayed your VajJJ. Now he's going to be thinking about that while smashing.

  9. lol YoungestMILF–yes, they wouldn't be able to handle that. I had an ex ask me afterwards, every time, "Was it good to you?" I wonder what would have happened if I said, "No, it was whack…try again or my ex was better."

    1. That just calls for death. If people can get killed over Twitter beef, or misread tweets, the wrong choice of words will definitely have you propping up your pillow on your death bed. And I HATE that question: "How was it?" I've told the guy, "You've done better." and "It was nice." "nice"?? Lol that's no good.. lmao

      1. I think its actually a valid question and the guy might actually care. As long as you don't answer it like an a$$, you can give some real feedback and it might be worthwhile.

        I will admit … I have asked this before. Especially if I think I was off. I want honesty … my stroke game is an ever improving thing.

        1. Sometime I need to ask to make sure that what I was feeling was correct. I'm feeling off and need to know if that was accurate

        2. I just don't know why you would wait until the end of the session to offer advice. You don't see Van Gundy waiting until the end of the game to coach; you do it throughout that muhfucca.

          I think it's more appropriate to offer subtle direction like, "faster" "to the left" "deeper" etc, etc, and a lot more organic during the actual encounter than after the fact, because it feels less like a suggestion and more like a bad report card.

          #imjustsayin

  10. What person with an ounce of sense would say these things to there SO? Unless, you are trying to start some sh*t, or you just don't care about the persons feelings…..

  11. The "I think your friend is ssexy" is classic! I had exes who would ask me what I thought about her friends. I hopped over those pitfalls like my name was Harry. Eventually though, they would press and I'd answer. Then i'd tell them to be careful what they asked.

    On the flipside I've had female friends of mine tell me that their Bfs were mad that they talked to me. I figure these a$$holes asked similar questions and my name poped up, so I became a threat.

    Shyt is a lose lose mayne!

    1. "The “I think your friend is ssexy” is classic! I had exes who would ask me what I thought about her friends. I hopped over those pitfalls like my name was Harry. Eventually though, they would press and I’d answer. Then i’d tell them to be careful what they asked."

      That's a setup! The correct answer is always, she's cute, but she's got nothing on you. Why would a woman ask that question? Does she really want an honest answer?

      "On the flipside I’ve had female friends of mine tell me that their Bfs were mad that they talked to me. I figure these a$$holes asked similar questions and my name poped up, so I became a threat."

      This is always amusing. That is as long as the bf doesn't try to start something. Some guys just can't take it to see their girl talking to any other man.

      1. am i the ONLY one that was thrown a minute because Hugh Jazz changed his avatar?! i was like, "who the hell is that? i know the name!"

        i'd NEVER ask if my friend was sexy.. i don't even wanna be thinkin bout her when you're with me.. i'm not askin you nothin bout that.. besides, if you're feeling a certain way, i'll figure it out by myself.. nuffsaid

    2. Asking if a friend is sexy…now that is definitely a swindle in the making…lol. you are about to be bamboozled….HA!

  12. It's not my girls I have to watch around my man (I usually hang with chicks in long-term relationships anyway #peepgame), it's the low self-esteem broads who act like they were born d*ck-in-mouth.

    Sh*t in a relationship that could possibly get you mollywhopped:

    1 – "Yeah, I f*cked her. But I love you." you are not Jody, gtfoh with that "Baby Boy" foolishness. Just apologize for what you did, don't try to rationalize it. #growthehellup

    2 – "I just want to have fun." Why didn't you tell me that before I got in a 24-month lease with your azz? That's not something you tell someone you've been in a serious relationship with, that's what you say to a cut buddy that's tryna get cute.

    3 – "If you loved me, then you'd…" Really? Maybe if YOU loved ME, you'd stop guilting me into doing sh*t I don't want to do. No, negro, I am not slurping down that chick on the wall or tattooing your name on my rack or dressing up as a Dominatrix for your birthday party well maybe that last one&lt.

    #heated

    1. I'm lovin' this comment. #1 is reason enough to shank a fool in the neck with a portable wine opener. Actually, so are 2 and 3, lol.

      And I FEEL YOU on the company you keep – my circle of girlfriends are all relationship/marriage types and tend to keep men. I had a blast from the past come through last month and WHOA! Ole girl was off the chain. Had to put her on ice, quickly.

      1. @Word of Mouth: LMFAO loving every bit of it girl. Extra points for use of the word Mollywopp (I thought I was the only one who used that).

        @Anna N.: Why do I get the feeling that "had to put her on ice, quickly" was more than just a figure of speech? Not that I'm snitchin' or anything, I'm just sayin'…..

      2. I straight-up told a girl that followed my ex like he could turn titty milk into flaxen gold that if she kept hanging around looking thirsty like a swimmer in the desert, it would be me, her, a tube sock and a can of Coke and we'd see who would be walking out of the room and who would be carried out.

        #realtalk #knuckifyoubuck #duckandcover #weregoingtojail

  13. this is a good list. i would never ask or want to be told anything on this list. if a woman ever told me she poked holes in condoms i don't what i do to her. i'm getting mad now thinking about the idea of it.

    i know for one that i'm probably not the best that you've ever had (but i'm sure i'm pretty damn close). i still would never ask that question. along with if i was the first choice. questions like these reek of insecurity.

    1. "i know for one that i’m probably not the best that you’ve ever had, along with if i was the first choice. questions like these reek of insecurity." <— And the congregation said AMEN.

      Men who ask me that lose serious points. I mean there stock value just crashes.

    2. "i know for one that i’m probably not the best that you’ve ever had, along with if i was the first choice. questions like these reek of insecurity." <— And the congregation said AMEN.

      Men who ask me that lose serious points. I mean their stock value just crashes.

      Whether you were the best shouldn't matter…l let you give me the strokes and the tongue so be happy and satisfied.

      Asking that makes the whole experience worse if it was bad and it is was good it takes away from it. Just #STFU and go to sleep.

      1. lol how about the guy with "time management" issues and after he wins the race a little too early he says, "yeah i know that was kinda quick."

        #awkwardsilence #nowords #killyourself

        What is the appropriate response to that? No? Lies. Yes? Cruelty. I just sit in silence and fiddle with my hair and try not to lose my damn mind.

  14. "Your not the best lover I’ve had"—This should really not come up in conversations. If the pipe is wack, it will be our first and last. If you ask me I will tell you.

    DONT ASK ME QUESTIONS, UNLESS YOU READY FOR THE ANSWER.

    Fck me bad once shame on you, fck me bad twice shame on me.

    The other things on this list are nothing but set ups for some type of physical abuse. Good luck with that.

  15. I have been tempted to tell a guy to never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever ask a girl for sex again. NEVER…….but I didn't…..Good Gracious Alive!!!!!

  16. When you're dating you should never tell the person that you desire a quality that they do not possess (big butt, long hair), ie., a guy once told me, 'I prefer light-skinned girls'. I am clearly not light-skinned, but he continued to call but at that point I was no longer interested.

  17. This isht right here…

    "I am going to kill you – This should be one of those surprises. You don’t want them beating you to the punch and you end up suffocated the night before their car is set to explode. Now everybody is dead … cause you couldn’t keep your fool mouth shut."

    PURE HILARITY

    Loved this post, all these things qualify for a "what the eff were you thinking asking/saying that dumb isht?" response. But we all know men are famous for the "am I the biggest/best" question.

    I'm a firm believer in not askin questions that you might not really wanna know the answer too.

  18. You can say, "I poked holes in the condom," but the harm isnt' in telling people, the harm is doing it. Anyone, imo who does this deserves hell.

  19. I'm sorry, you said "poked holes in the condom" and I just blacked out in my dorm room…. Not only would that INSTANTLY end any type of relationship between us, I would have to beat you down, and I woyuld probably do a Carrie Underwood and take a tire iron to your ride and put you on blast to every female I would ever meet.

  20. my boyfriend did these three things and they really hurt so i think thry should be on the list of things never ever to tell your s/o.

    while watching the tyra show one day she was talking to women who rate themselves lower on the 1-10 scale than their s/o's did, so i jokingly said to my boyfriend, hunny where would you rate me. first he rated me very low on the 1-10 scale, then he said his bestfriends girl was rated higher. he then justified this by saying that it's the truth and it's what other people think so why should i feel bad.

    then he compared me to these other girls we know, telling me how i don't carry myself like them, and i don't dress like them…and i could loose some weight so i would look like them.

    and then to top it all off, when i was having a convo with a girlfriend of mine about how one of the same chicks he comapred me to, has a big belly and looks pregnant…he jumped in quickly to defend her saying, oh it's just the belt she has on, lol she wasn't wearing a belt, and in other pictures you could clearly see that she had a big belly.

    it amazed me how he can never defend me if other people drop negative remarks at me bout could defend her so easily.

    i would never wish not even my worst enemy to have to hear such things.

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