Sigh...so long, friend.
It’s wedding and graduation party season. This means it’s the season to spend a lot more money than I had budgeted. I suppose I’m at that age where I can no longer go to some type of life celebration event and not bring a monetary gift totaling less than $20. I’m gonna have to create a separate bank account specifically for gifts and hope that I can write it off in next years taxes somehow. But anyway, I spent last weekend in California. I’d like to say that I was there for total leisure, but it was partially business in the form of a wedding.
Last weekend, the first friend in my group of friends took the plunge and threw his life away in the name of marriage. I’ve had friends get married before, but never a black one. I actually wrote on my gift envelope “To my first black friend to get married.” I was hoping it would get read aloud, but due to time constraints and the fact that no wedding starts on time, it didn’t happen.
His wedding was significant not just for himself and his family, but also all of the friends on both the east and west coast. On some level, we all found ourselves reflecting and introspecting at some point about where we are in our lives. We also placed bets on who would be next to walk down the isle and into the pool of love lava. A few of the boys voted me to be next. I think they just like wasting money. Though I do like playing the role of Mr. Snuggles and Mr. Eat-You-Into-Ectasy, I have a very long jawn way to go before I can consider marriage. Why? Well, I just need to develop more in a few key areas before I can be comfortable with the idea. I can’t commit my life to someone when I know that I have such a long way to go personally, emotionally, but most certainly not physically. I’m on a horse.
There is one other thing I wanted to note though. When the bride threw the flowers over her head, women scrambled to catch them in hopes of being next. When the groom threw the garter thingy tat he skillfully removed with his teeth back over his head, all of the men scattered and jumped out of the way as if it were a grenade. This was a hilarious scene given that I’ve never watched a large group of black men scatter just to avoid the thought of long-term commitment symbolized by a flying garment. I guess there is some truth to what’s being said about us out there, because even I cowered under a table when it was in the air. I’m still Harlem shaking actually.
And yeah, I was a little bit all over the place with this one. That’s what the thought of marriage does to my brain sometimes. Plus, I just had a lot of thoughts in general. So here are some questions to ponder for today:
- Do you have weddings on the agenda for this summer? If so, are they close friends or family in the same age range?
- Are any of your closest friends married? If so, do you think the person is happier now than when you tore up the streets together in singledom?
- Lastly for the single women, do you try to catch the flowers like they have the key to eternal youth in the petals or do you calmly stand and watch?
Feel free to share any other thoughts as well.
If you touch me with that garter, I’ll whoop your a$$,
Twitter: @slimjackson Website: www.threewaystotakeit.com
Do you have weddings on the agenda for this summer? Yes, two actually!
If so, are they close friends or family in the same age range? 1 is my boss from a summer job I had last year & 2 years prior; she is older than me. The other is my LS and she is actually younger than me and her fiance is older than both of us. I'm actually in both weddings…
Are any of your closest friends married? Nope, none of my really close friends are.
Lastly for the single women, do you try to catch the flowers like they have the key to eternal youth in the petals or do you calmly stand and watch? Um, i try to catch it and i'm in the middle of that…i don't go crazy but i don't just stand there either.
Weddings make me both happy and feel some sort of way. I'm happy that two people have found love and happiness in each other. However, it makes me wonder when it will be me. I'm not saying i want to take the plunge tomorrow but i just wonder when i will meet the person God intended me to spend the rest of my life with. I'm not in a rush for marriage but wouldn't mind meeting someone & getting the at least "getting to know each other" phase started (and it would be nice to have a steady um "partner" now).
My friends all have me pegged as the one to get married first, so i understand how you feel.
that bouquet/garter thing? i've been seeing that since 2005, lol. i think the first time i went to a wedding, i caught it, afterwards, i've been running like some bids on me #jadakisslyrics
i'm crackin up at you wanting to whup my tail cuz i touched you with the garter…
i've been to two weddings in my life.. my former roommate dragged everyone out of bed on a saturday morning to watch the sunrise on the cold beach..
i wasn't at the reception cuz i had to goto work.. so i wasn't around to catch any kind of bouquet.. but back then, i was around 25, so i wouldn't be thinking about that marriage stuff anyway..
now that i'm 30-something.. there's still stuff that i want completed before i become someone's wife.. however, knowing that someone wants the job isn't such a bad feeling.. (no one wants the job at this point.. le sigh)
the two couples i know are both happier.. i used to babysit for my roommate's three children.. and the other couple i just saw on saturday, and they're happy too..
i have no weddings on the agenda for the summer.. my circle of friends is tight, so i don't foresee anything on the horizon as none of us have manfriends..
i do think about being married.. i think it's been long enough now.. but i'm dying to be in a grown up relationship first..
that's just me…
My very good friend just got married 2 wks ago and moved to Louisiana… tear.. those two are the epitome of true love and every time I would see them together it was as if they knew already how their life would pan out… I've never in my life (maybe only in movies) have I seen a couple that much in love it made me sick, in a good way tho…
*Sigh*
Its safe to say that I'm the last single and childless person in both sides of my family and friends.
I've seen some of my friends life be full of drama and stress but at the same time I sometimes also see that little beam of light and everything seems like is going perfect for them, whether it may be their children making it the best and/or their SO. Yet I know some of them are just in a no good relationships and sometimes it hurts to see them suffer the way they do… but they won't leave nor make a change, there's only so much one can do as a friend for them.
And as far as "catching the bouquet" I think I'm one of those rare breeds that some how manages to walk or stay behind every other girl pushing and shoving to get it… except that one time where it landed on my feet and I jumped a good 4 feet back so quick! Lol.. its on video too SMH the expression on my face was priceless!
Yes another one of my sandz bites the dust this summer. That would be 2 of 4 and at this rate I will be married by 2012 #fail.
As far as if the people I know are happier, I would probably say they are the same as they were before they got married or happier. But the always seems the case until we hear of or see the marriage crumble and we have to help pick up the pieces.
I do remember the guys just looking at the garter as it floated to the ground at my #3's wedding. We just looked at each other like :-/
It's only 2 of us on my line and my tail was already supposed to have gotten married…one of her family members fell ill so they pushed it back hoping he would get better. I don't know how i will be when it comes time for her to throw the bouquet…*shrug*
O the joy of small lines, my ace AINT GETTING MARRIED NO TIME SOON!!
Ummmm. Eff marriage!
*I joke. Mostly.
LMAO @ mostly. I love you Sane… like I really do. That just made my day.
Awww, that just made my day!
Been there done that….LOL.
All of my aunts and uncles are married..all going on twenty years. My inner circle of close friends/cousins are all married….I am the only one currently who isn't. But with good reason! Sometime I look at their marriages and I want to do it again…other times, I am cool with being single.
I think some are happy..and at leat two should have ended their marrriages years ago..but, it is what it is.
Before I got married, I tried my best to catch the bouquet. Now, I could really care less..they would probably have to make me go up there to even participate.
I may be a little jaded…but, marriage at its best is a beautiful thing..but at its worst..pure hell.
I'm with you Slim..most times I am of the mindset of…"keep that bouquet away from me or I will cut you", I'm kidding…I think.
None of my really close friends are married but a couple girls in my college crew are married. They both appear to be really, really happy. I wasn't able to go to either of their weddings b/c they happened in their home states. But I wish them the best! They were both with their boothangs during our college years, so they're not really missing anything.
I'm not going to any weddings this summer but I am currently planning my parent's 30th Wedding Anniversary and that's got me thinking a lot about marriage. I love weddings, anniversaries, and all that mushy stuff (yes, I watch wedding themed shoes on Style and We lol). And while I'm not in a rush to get married, the prospect doesn't scare me, lol. I'm not the kind of girl to start snatching lacefronts to get to the bouquet at a wedding but I'm not ducking from it either. I think all men run from the garter . . . it's just tradition, lol.
Ummm no. I will not be running to catch anything. Ever.
None of my friends as of yet are married or even boo'ed up so nothing to worry about over here.
I did feel this way when all of a sudden all of my (male) friends started getting pregnant… You know what I mean. I wasn't excited AT ALL. But I faked it and tell 'em all how cute the kid is, etc etc. SMH!
Many of my friends are in the same age range as me (22-23). With one year of grad school to go, none of us are thinking about marriage. I had a friend (not black), that was married by 21, and delivered two Gap models. Now she's a spokesperson for why people should not get married. All of my friends in the 28-31 age range have been sending me pictures of dream engagement rings. I have a friend that attended 9 weddings last year (not black), and is in 8 this year. She delivered some news to her S/O in January that she wants to get engaged this summer. There haven't been an platnium (I hope) bands in my area as yet. If I go to a wedding, I'll be in the bathroom when the bride throws the bouquet. Last wedding I went to, it dropped by the feet, and my ankles were in the scatter.
I've been to two weddings in my whole life. The first one i was in but i dont remember it because I was 2 and it was my parent's wedding. The next one was one of my cousins.
I do have to attend a wedding in July but the chick and her soon to be husband are in the late 20's while I'm in the mid 20's.
I'm in no rush but if it happens it happens
Wait. I also went to a wedding for a prophyte….
open bar only for da bruhz + da bruhz sneaking drinks for women + hopping = sweaty tux and sweaty fu…..
One of my LS's married the bruhz (they were high school sweethearts and we all pledged at the same time) AND her dad is the bruhz.
When I say that wedding reception was…indescribable in terms of strolling, hopping, barking, Atomic Dog, Pyramid-throwing madness due to the open bar?! Best. Wedding. Ever.
All my peeps are planning weddings for this winter – nothing this summer but bbq's. I'm planning my wedding for the fall when The Dude gets back from Iraq, and one of my besties is getting hitched this December. And no, I was never the type to grab for the bouquet – I REALLY enjoyed being single and would step back with the "Whoaa!" hands to deflect it if it came my way. I really didn't (seriously, as more than an abstract idea) consider settling down until The Dude made his move.
Most of my family is married, and a little chunk of my friends. The family folks have been married for a looooong time, and they give our generation the side eye for waiting so long to get started. I say, don't even consider it till you're 25, lol.
"Do you have weddings on the agenda for this summer? If so, are they close friends or family in the same age range"
yes, I have 1 to go to this summer, which is really below my normal 3-4….folks are slowing down on the marriage thing. The one wedding I have on the books is my Linesister….and we are in the same age range.
" Are any of your closest friends married? If so, do you think the person is happier now than when you tore up the streets together in singledom" I have 3 close friends that are married, one married her high school sweetheart and they dated for 10 years before tiein the knot….they are happy. The second friend is extremely happy, and the 3 one is miserable…I think she only married dude because she was his baby momma…but spends as much time as she can away from him.
" Lastly for the single women, do you try to catch the flowers like they have the key to eternal youth in the petals or do you calmly stand and watch?" HELL NAW, I dont chase any flowers, I go out there like I want to catch them, but honestly that is totally for a photo op, I'm an admitted picture whore……My hands never leave my side……
In my circle of friends sad to say that everyone is breaking up this summer. It's funny because I use to long to be in a relationship just like them during those long winter nights alone and now that I see all this drama it kinda makes me glad I stayed single. LOL
I do have one friend that is married but on a verge of divorce and guess what…she has never been happier! LOL
Personally I think marriage can be a beautiful thing but a lot of it is just hype especially nowadays. A lot of women I know of just want to be married because they feel it gives them some type of status. Me personally I am in NO RUSH for a full commitment like that so you will probably not catch me at any wedding jumping for the flowers…after all I am only 23 🙂
sounds like Hello Summer, Goodbye Wifey season to me
http://www.singleblackmale.org/2010/05/26/hello-s…
That's exactly what I was thinking.
1) In the last 5 years I've seen a lot of my frat/chapter get married. Prophytes, sons, all that. Close friends 1 actually. He was damn near married before hand and their relationship is the same so no real change.
I avoid the garter like unsanitary pumpum. Its funny when they call all the single men to the floor I stay tryna hide before everyone callin me out and I stand towards the back hahahaha
I actually missed a wedding in DR earlier in April. Was tight about that
Streetz, I can't wait for your wedding. Your joint is going to be EPIC… you should start saving from now… especially if your spouse is greek.
Stop frontin and find yourself a woman homey!
How did I know this was coming…
I was about to refrain from commenting to avoid the MOST pressure, lolol!
You right though… I might have Lions and shyt like Coming to America.
We'll see homie.. the saga continues <del>Wu Tang!!! WU TANG!!! </del>
You ain't gettin no younger!
We’ll see homie.. the saga continues
Wu Tang!!! WU TANG!!!Olympic torch flaming, we burn so sweet
The thrill of victory, the agony, defeat
I couldn't resist.
@Most #youright
@Hugh
Inspectah Deck SET THAT B*TCH OFF!!
**Hangs off side of the roof and looks at helicopter above**
Yeah, I think Deck had the best verse on the song.
Did MIMs just quote Jagged Edge?
"You ain't getting no younger!"
Jagged Edge – Let's Get Married is responsible for more divorces in the Black community then infidelity.
Didn't feel like reading 160 posts but since someone mentioned it…the remaining 8 members are coming to the DMV in August and performing all the cuts off 36 Chambers.
BTW, 37, single, no rug rats and fuckin' lovin' it!!!!!!!!! :0P
* Do you have weddings on the agenda for this summer? If so, are they close friends or family in the same age range?
–Yup…MINE is in 25 days (woosahlawdjesushavemercywheredidthetimego?!) Oh and we're both 31
* Are any of your closest friends married? If so, do you think the person is happier now than when you tore up the streets together in singledom?
–All of my sistafriends are married. I can say 3 out of 4 of them are committed and happily married and give great advice when I wanna pop Mr Mister upside the head. 1..is on some other isht and yeah she gets the serious O_o and *suckteet* from us.
* Lastly for the single women, do you try to catch the flowers like they have the key to eternal youth in the petals or do you calmly stand and watch?
–I never did and we're not doing either at our wedding, we plan to give it (toss bouquet) to the couple who have been married longest.
Awwww…. congrats 🙂
Aw, thank you lady 🙂
Awww, congratulations Smiley!!! May you and Mr. Mister live happily ever after and have many good lookin' kids. Who all get full scholarships to college, lol.
LOL!! That's what's I'm talking about! My mama calls that "blowing a good breeze," so thank you for blowing a good breeze on us. 🙂
1. I have friends and family near my age who are married. Many of my high school classmates are married with children. I think it's a beautiful thing, though not something I'm desperately dreaming of for myself. And from what I know, based on local gossip and Facebook, they all seem very happy. My male married classmates are just as happy, if not happier being married as my female married classmates. I think society has tricked men into thinking that marriage is the end of life, when in realtiy, it can be the beginning of the best days of your life. It really just depends on how hard the parties are willing to work to keep it together.
2. I don't have any weddings this summer.
3. I never try to catch the bridal boquet. I usually just stand in the back, and watch all the other ladies darn near kill each other for those flowers. It's pretty hilarious.
Do you have weddings on the agenda for this summer? If so, are they close friends or family in the same age range?
Actually, I have 4…yes, 4 weddings to attend this summer. This has definitely been the year of change for those around me. Most are sorority sisters, and I'm in my line sister's wedding this summer. We're all in out late 20's early 30's so yeah…we're peers. Which is only making my family raise an eyebrow at me.
Are any of your closest friends married? If so, do you think the person is happier now than when you tore up the streets together in singledom?
This is the first batch of "close" friends that are married. I have one male friend that got married last Fall. He's extremely happy about his decision. I love them both, and definitely think he made the right choices…timing, woman, career, etc. Things seem to be falling into place nicely for them.
Now our other male friends act like he's dead and gone. Lol. No invites anywhere and he's the butt of all the jokes. But I think they admire him for his courage and making the decision to make that commitment.
Lastly for the single women, do you try to catch the flowers like they have the key to eternal youth in the petals or do you calmly stand and watch?
Ummmm, no. The last wedding I went to I was nearly bludgeoned (so?) to death for not being interested in catching the bouquet. I haven't seen any evidence that it's actually helped anyone arrive at love/marriage any faster. So I'm good. I rather scope out the groomsmen and single male attendants.
Why is it that so many men feel like "I just need to develop more in a few key areas before I can be comfortable with the idea [marriage]."? I see you listed personally & emotionally… emotionally I get, got to be stable for that kind of LT commitment… but is it that so many seek to have "straight" before tying the knot? & as ever changing as life is, will you ever have it together? Somehow I feel that women are more willing to settle and still work towards bettering myself then getting myself "together" first — w/e that means — and then marrying.
I digress…
I'm young (23) so I don't have any close friends who are married. I am currently planning my best friends wedding but that's not until next summer. The last wedding I was at — this winter — when the called for the single ones… I didn't eem head to the floor. In my mind, I'm not old enough to be the single they were looking for. Lol. I got forced out there and when bouquet came my way *gasp* I did the Heisman on that thing… I Reggie Bush'ed the mess out of those flowers. Not eeeeeem going down. For one, I don't want some strange man trying to garter my leg in from of my parents. Nah son. Number two, I wasn't eeem trying to consider the men (yes, men) I had in my life at the time for marriage. Lol.
I agree with your assessment of men wanting to have things all laid out. I've asked a few men about that in the past, and many have attributed it to wanting to be able to take care of their family, etc. Also their focus on being "established" comes from their desire to acheive and excel. So I've been told…gotta reach that mountain top, then find someone to enjoy the view with. But my question is, wouldn't it be nice to have someone there that can help carry the back pack? Someone to pack lunch…and maybe a map? Imjussayin…
I think establishing yourselves as a family is a great part of marriage that men can miss out on following that logic. It's not about having all your ish together, I mean who REALLY ever does? It's about knowing this is the person you want to get your ish together with…regardless. I'm not saying people should enter into a marriage without having some sort of life plan and something to show for themselves. I just don't think not having it all the way "together" isn't really a deal breaker.
Not knowing what "it" is, or a plan of achieving it could be…
@So FLYY and @TiffNicky
We should go out for drinks and discuss this in detail.
Great effin thread/questions. See, my experience in the real world and in the e-world have led me to believe that women want men that "have it all together" over men who are a work in progress. I thought that was part of the reason and attraction for women to older and more established men. I actually love the idea of building together and having someone there to help and support my development in the areas that I/we think are important.
The problem is that too many people nowadays don't wanna do the work. They wanna reap the rewards with none of the effort. It's easy for a woman to get her back blown out, show off her trophy boo, and give advice to her single friends. It isn't easy to be patient and understand everybody has areas of improvement that probably won't get fixed overnight or even in a month.
Y'all done got me all fired up over this one.lol.
@Slim
Let me know the place, and I'm game. 😉
I guess I'm a romantic of sorts in that I know I will continually evolve and that there will be things that come up and throw me a little off. I also know that if you're in love and WANT to be with a person, limiting based solely on reaching some arbitrary concept of togetherness makes no sense…to me. I understand meeting milestones that are significant, but I haven't been told of one milestone other than graduating or paying off debt that makes sense to me. But that's me…and I'm single, so my opinion is limited. Lol.
I've never been attracted to or desired dating an older man. I want someone my speed, and honestly, I think worry about huge age gaps. I don't want to be 40 and my husband 55…because I'll think of me being 50 and him being 65. That scares me…for various reasons. Lol.
@ Smiley Face
I understand the provider mentality, and think you can still be a provider while laying things out the way you want them. What may change may be what you provide, and the amount you are able to provide. I "get" the concept, I just don't want to be faced with having to wait for the man I love because he's not all the way "together". Heck, I love your "not together" behind! Let's get "together"…together! Lol.
*nodding my head* I see… I understand how one may come that conclusion out here on these internets. Lol. I do feel like there is a certain point that you should be at fiscally, emotionally, etc before considering marriage but that point is not as far along the road of life as soon men take it to be. As Smiley Face suggested, with the whole provider mentality I can understand why you'd want to be assured that you can provide for whom you deem to be your love. However, as a women I'd feel 1000% more comfortable knowing that we built what we have together. Not that it's not a blessing to stroll into a pre-laid situation and take a seat, but don't you feel better knowing you helped to make that situation what it is?
Maybe that's my outlook. I think women's affiinity for dating older men is not necessarily all in his establishment but in his being ready to be open and settle down. The establishment comes w/ it.
Oh yea… & I'm planning to be in them NY streets @ the end of the month. I'm game. 🙂
@TiffNicky, Oh trust and believe we are *here* on this issue. I am the "we doing this here thang together" type, too. I can just understand how some men can feel that way if they have that mentality.
@So Flyy
I like your perspective on older men being more ready to commit. I can definitely see that, and agree that what comes with that is them potentially being more established.
As I get older I get more introspective, which can be good or bad. But I'm a lot more focused on happiness and emotional support than trip, gifts, and things. DON'T MISUNDERSTAND…I welcome and encourage those things. 🙂 I've just learned that the people that can provide them for me are not always the one's that do it for the reasons I would like them to. Nor do we always connect on the same level as those that may not be able to do all of those things…but can keep a smile on my face and make me feel like the only woman in the room.
That's what I want/need.
I think that part of the reason why people aren't willing (cause it isn't always the woman) to put in the work is because they haven't been shown what it is to put in work to make a relationship work. We've seen divorces or one parents was out of the picture, parents/caregivers with multiple girlfriends boyfriends, etc. We aren't being told that in order to make things work, equal time & effort need to be put into the relationship. My parents are divorced and neither of them told me that, i had to figure it out on my own, especially when i was putting in 10x the effort into things. Whenever I have children, I would hope to teach them that anything worth having in life, be it love, a career, etc requires dedication, heart & work.
I'm one of those women that tends to date men older than me but not for just the reason you think! I'm mostly approached by men either much younger than me or a few years older than me, rarely, if ever do, i get something inbetween (i.e. my age). I pick the older men cause if you're my sister's age or younger (she's 20), i feel like i'm rocking a cradle i have no business even touching (yes, i've been approached by a dude younger than my sister by a few months…i even get hit on by high school boys from time to time…that's no bueno). I have dated dudes older who were works in progress too (still in grad school [totally cool with me] but living on campus or moving around a lot & still hadn't finished undergrad). But all this went to show me that no one is perfect, we all have our flaws and things we need to work on. I would most definitely date someone my age (I'm 24) but that would require someone my age to approach me first, lol!
As a work in progress myself, i can't discriminate against a man that is one himself. We all are work in progresses…no one should stop bettering themselves. Like Tiff & Flyy, i like the idea of growing with that person & being with a fellow work in progress makes that togetherness possible & the process more meaningful. There will be good and bad times, despite who you are with, it is how you get through those times that matters.
<>
yes you say that…but are you (in general) looking to build with a brotha that's broke?
until then…I'mma get this money up #thedreamlyrics
Broke? No. Everyone should have something to show for their life experiences. You don't have to be ballin…you just have to want to play in the game. And I'll be your cheerleader.
Hell, I'm not ballin myself…but I'm still asking the coach to put me in. It's all relative.
Again, so me a man with a plan…and I'll show him all the support I can.
That all depends on the circumstances. There's lots of things to take into consideration. Why is he broke? Is it his fault (ie. spending, not willing to work) or is it more the economy? What is he doing about it? Is he working towards changing his financial status? Does he have a plan, etc.?
I know that I have never worried to much about the size of a man's paycheck, as long as he has the means to take care of himself and afford the lifestyle he has chosen. If we merge lives, will my lifestyle take a dramatic hit (and more than just temporary)? If I find the right man and he isn't ballin (and okay with making less than me, because a lot of men aren't), I'm not going to pass him up. It's hard enough to find a connection, worry about that first, and the finances later. Besides, I think it would make a great story having to build together and support eachother while trying to do big thangs.
iCo-Sign @TiffNicky & I'm asking @SaneN85's questions. His life plan must be reasonable to me… he can't be broke b/c he's 35 and refuses to work until his "record deal" comes through. I can't cheer for that… Lol.
But I can cheer him on his 9-5, sweating for the man, working on his advanced degree life plan.
I support both SaneN85 and So Flyy…
At the end of the day…does is your vison clear, cloudy, or stormy with a chance of thunderstorms? I'm all for support and even providing some assistance in fulfilling your dreams (and making them ours, if we're going to do it right)…but within reason. I struggle with chasing dreams with no foundation. I can't do it…I've lived it with my father and mother…I won't do it. Period.
Sidenote…I work in HR and HATE seeing people that are too high and mighty to take a lesser paying job "in the meantime". Things happen, life happens…sometimes you have to take 2 steps back to take 5 forward. Accept that, and do it.
If I'm with a man that is working at Border's while pursuing his dream…I'm good. What I'm NOT good with is a man that won't work at Border's because he used to work in a law firm and is "waiting on that callback"…that does not compute in my brain.
I just think that some men still have the provider mentality, no matter how much they want a woman on their level they still want to be able to provide. I believe with some men it's instinctual to have that game plan. They don't want to feel like they're playing catch up in their lives especially when they've made the big decision to ask someone to marry them and take on the responsibility (in their minds) to "take care of." I also think that it's imperative to some of them especially when they find the right woman they want to give the world to.
Sure they can share the burden but AFTER they take care of their own personal ones; the burdens you gain together is different. I call it the clean slate mentality.
I agree with SBM, personally, I wouldn't want to marry someone after I've gotten everything together because there's no real way to know if she would have been down for you when you had nothing. That's the beautiful thing about my relationship, when we started dating, I had nothing but a pursuasive tounge and a life plan. 7 years later, by the grace of God, we're doing pretty well for ourselves. I have a different level of appreciation for my wife because she believed when it was all a dream. For the men waiting to get it together, stop waiting. That's a dumb reason to wait. There's no better feeling in the world than to have nothing, promise everything, have her believe you, and then deliver.
And when I say "persuasive tongue", I mean that in a non-5exual way. I mean it as in… the ability to convince though dialogue. I know how yall get 'round here…
@Dos Equis Man, Amen to that! We have goals, we work on them together. It's down right difficult at times but we have an end goal, we ebb and flow with circumstances.
*ahem* I'm glad you cleared that up.
Aside from that…
This is what I'm talking about. Relationships would be more sustainable (in my opinion) if we have hard work tied in it together. I feel like people would be less worried about a pre-nup & protecting their assets — you can be ready to walk away at a moments notice when you haven't been through the good & bad times together.
Bwahahahaa!!! You know me too well – I'm really 9 on the inside and was just bout to say something about that persuasive tongue comment.
@TMIMITW – "“persuasive tongue”, – I hope you have both #pause #imjussayin #lol
Oh, and I think that one of the other reasons men wait until they can be "better" providers is because they also believe they can pull a "better" woman. This could be a woman who is also a little more accomplished – or in many cases, just a woman who is better looking.
I was, by far, the first person to get married in my peer group. But, I do have lots of married friends, they're mostly a few years older than me (I'm 26 and coming up on 4 years of marriage #NoTypo). Having other married friends when you're married is an invaluable blessing.
Marriage isn't something folks should look at trepidatiously. If done properly, it can be the best decision you can make. It's not for the immature, nor is it something to approach without considerable thought and prayer. But, if you've found the right person go 'head and jump the broomstick. I think a lot of guys look at marriage as if it's the end of their life. For me, getting married was more like a commencement – the end of one thing, and the start of another. We decided not to have children for a long while before getting married, this, for us, was key. In not having kids, we're still able to go out, party, travel, and do everything our single friends do without hesitation. The only thing I'm not doing is sleeping around with random women… and that… I do not miss (that much) – I had my share… it got old.
So – that's my pitch to you single black males (and women who read this site) – go do it… if you do it right, you won't regret it.
Whew Lawd… #NoTypo? You sure?
My co-worker, who is 33, is coming up on 5 years of marriage… & you may be saying no big deal right? She got married when she was 28. The usual. Right. Except her hubby is 28 now. Yeaaaaa… that man got married at 23 to someone 5 yrs older than him. I was like he's 28?! They obviously weren't HS or college sweethearts… met on the job. I d@mn near died. The next question was, "Where did you find him? And where can I get one?" Not that I'm ready to jump the broomstick but can I get a steady relationship thats not in that everday grey area? She found a man in DC who was ready to get married at 23? Oh how times have changed.
"Having other married friends when you’re married is an invaluable blessing."
Truedat! Similarly my friends are 10 or more years older than me so, besides having my parents, I've had some great guidelines of what can/can't work just by being around them.
I avoid weddings like the plague, mostly because I can't stand the way some bridezillas act on this day and I hate going alone. Most men will avoid at all costs taking a chick to a wedding. The only good things to come out of a wedding is the fact I get to by a new dress, shoes and accessories, I get to get creative on the gift (I spend $20 and it looks like I spent $100) and that fact there is an open bar. I also past because I cry at the father/daughter dance I will never have.
Almost all of my friends are married or have been married once before and made me into a bridesmaid, a consultant or etiquette guru (yes, I own 2 copies of Emily Post Etiquette).
I usually remain seated in my chair for the bouquet toss. Sometimes I get called out and I just stand there. Stupid flowers aren't dictating anything about my love life.
Thank God, I am off the hook this summer with invites and questions.
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
Men bringing chicks to wedding can have the same effect as bringing sand to the beach…unless the sand is bout it beforehand.
Yes, I have two friends getting married. One is happening next weekend and the other in a few months. I love weddings because it's always like a reunion. I'm from Cali, so I know that's one of the few times every year that I can see all the homies from way back in one place. And it's funny that I love going to other people's weddings so much, when I don't plan to have one when my man and I get married. Although his friends claim I'm gonna change my tune, all I wanna do is hit the courthouse to make it legal and go on a honeymoon.
I'm in my 30's, so I have quite a few married friends. Some are really happy. One of my girls is in the middle of a nasty divorce. It just seems to be like everything else in life…what you put into it determines what you get out of it.
Do I dive for the bridal bouquet? Negatory. First of all…if I'm at a wedding, I'm looking way too cute to be wrestling over flowers. Secondly, anybody who thinks catching them will help you get a husband quicker is the opposite of smart. Plus, I kind of resent the fact that all the married broads are all acting like cops and making sure every single woman goes up to try to catch the bouquet. I just roll my eyes, stand in the back and pretend that I tried really hard when the bride asks about it. Then , I let all the desperate chicks fight. Lol
"It just seems to be like everything else in life…what you put into it determines what you get out of it."
I think that Queen T (I'm just guessing here) and I would both probably disagree. Sometimes, it doesn't matter how much you (as an individual) put in, there's always the matter of the other person.
I'm with you on just keeping it simple. I can't imagine throwing away that much money on just a celebration.
Oh, and welcome!
You guessed correctly!
It's not called a partnership for nothing.
I always refer to this time of the year as "wedding season" because I spend most of the summer traveling all over the country for weddings. Most of my friends are beginning to get married. I have two weddings to attend this summer (and this is less than in years past). Since I am still single and looking, I'm going to start throwing a bachelorette party for myself every year 🙂
Welcome and nice picture!
I know a few married couples, but I've only actually been invited to one wedding (that I couldn't make). Most of them just go elope. It's a shame too, because I like free booze as much as the next person. So, consider yourself lucky that they share that day with you.
I love me some weddings! I wish I received more invites…its just a celebration of love..you can't beat that…not to mention the food and the dancing….good times. lol.
Wedding = Free booze
Free booze = Good times
In conclusion, elope.
-message sponsored by the Maxwell Mafia where "We Run Gov't"
How can you avoid a good GT fete? LOL
the main reason i go to weddings..
open bar = Happy Spidey
No weddings of the crew on deck this summer, but back in 08' a homey of mine was the first in the crew to tie the knot. He's happier married, but then again, he and his wifey were living the married life for yrs before they tied the knot. On the other hand, another homey of mine proposed this spring and is engaged………personally, I think he effed up and this marriage (but even beyond that, his relationship) is based on him catchin an azz whuppin from the economy and not being able to get on his own two, and guess who was there to offer that safety net
Am I reading this right that a friend got married during a bad economy because his boo had some cash stacks to hold him over?
hi from Toronto ! I love to read your articles and comments. I feel like an anthropologist…
#1.I am flying to France for my cousin's wedding at the end of the month.
#2.We never tored up the streets together. They all are happy, and they admit it's not perfect. Plus some aren't married but have what we call a ''PACS'' which is the equivalent of being married with only the advantages (taxes, loans etc…) without getting married. Certainly very good for those who are afraid to commit…
#3. I never try to catch the flowers, always have something else to do… It's more for fun, nobody in his-her right mind expects to get married just because she-he caught some (fake) flowers.
Thanks for the comment and welcome!
*cough* That'smyjob *cough*
Miss Martinique, let me give you the official welcome. I'm glad we have another Canadian on these e-streets.
lol, thanks. Sorry to disappoint you ;). I am French from Martinique > Caribbean Gal. I have only been in To for 8 months, and I am trying to find a reason to stay…;)
That's too bad, I was hoping someone would be able to confirm/deny Max's statement about Toronto men having no souls.
Hahahaha Miss Martinique are you the one that stopped by my blog the other day and said you agreed with me about Toronto dudes and you've only been here 8 months?
I'm not from East Canada but go there enough…Toronto men have NO souls Sane. It's true. Ok, maybe 99% True. I found the 1% lol.
This blog x Max's blog have turned into a Toronto Man not named Drake roast!
I swear yall make em sound like theyre the scum of the earth.
Note to AMerican single dudes on this site: ROADTRIP TO TDOT!!
yup. there's one at my job. just got here a yr ago.. i did the black neighborly thing & befriended him, now this mofo wanna walk around like I OWE him something. I almost caught a charge foolin' w/ him yesterday.
I'm telling you Streetz you guys would clean up here. The men are sooooo weak. And Toronto girls go crazy over American dudes.
Way to kill my dreams about finding me a boo-piece in Toronto this summer when I'm there for Caribana. Oh well…back to the drawing board… 🙁
Will tell you right now that Caribana is NOT the time or place…for a boo lol.
I refuse to encourage these boys to cross the border. lol.
Oh no it is definitely not the time for a boo. There's a reason the phrase "Caribana widow" was invented.
LMBO! I laughed at loud a bit…that's sad. Must be something akin to Memorial Day in Miami…all bad.
LOL…yeah, I know. I've been there before. But I didn't want to give up hope that there might be some good men there as well. I haven't given up on men in the states…at least not all of them. 🙂
LMAO At Caribana widow.
Andressa stop being border patrol. Its Ontario, not Arizona… lollol
Tiff dont go to a major caribbean event looking for mr right. lol. I mean stranger things have happened but you gotta hit them with the Keep in touch #swindle. See if they real. ESPECIALLY if its a TDOT man apparently. smh. lol
Lol…I was kidding. It was the only way I could relate to the Canada discussion. At least that side of Canada. Most of my peeps head to the Vancouver area given our Seattle roots.
I don't usually take people I meet at well traveled, highly publicized, and clothing optional events serious. Something just doesn't feel right.
Ur DEAD on @Tiff. I'd like to see someone come out to Carnaval Rio edition and say they're looking for a boo…….omg>>nothappening. And western Canada..standUP
Streetz…i'll fight you
This will be a busy wedding season for me. My roommate, LS, and good college buddy are all getting married this summer and I'm a braidsmaid at all of their weddings. The only one I'm excited about is my LS's cause it's in St. Kitts.
I def felt a way when everyone around me started getting married and having babies when we were 25. I now feel a different kind of way watching everyone get divorced as we are approaching 30.
Welcome, I think.
I was married and divorced by 23, so I feel a little ahead of the times. Tee hee. Most of the people I know became parents before 21 (most of them 2-3 times over). I guess we just start earlier over here. *shrugs*
I have never feel as left behind as I did when I arrived in the US.them:''30yrs no kidS…awwww sorry you can't have kids'' me: ''wait ! I never said that ! I simply never tried'' them: ''yeah….right…''. ''30yrs single never married ?? what's wrong with you ? are you gay ?'' me:''no… ''.
Do you have weddings on the agenda for this summer? If so, are they close friends or family in the same age range?
No, but I got the shock of my life a few weeks ago when my brother proposed to his girlfriend of 13 years. I saw her and she showed me the ring (SBM, it looked like he did the three months), and I asked, "so did you finally leave my brother?" Afterward, he told me, "the thing she don't know is it's gonna be a ten-year engagement!" I asked him about wedding details and he said he'd worry about that in 2020.
Are any of your closest friends married? If so, do you think the person is happier now than when you tore up the streets together in singledom?
My best friend is happily married. They are such a perfect couple. Their love sickens me. He made the right move. I'd marry a woman who plans the family's entire dinner plans, including separate meals for the baby, a month in advance too. This n!gga knows exactly what he is going to have for dinner on June 17 today! I find a woman like that, and I'm buying the wedding ring the next day!
No one else find that a little OCD/weird?
I definitely do, and if that's the kind of thing that guarantees a ring, I'm going to be single forever.
I will be married 18 years come October 24, 2010, I love my husband and can't see myself with anyone else. Has it been perfect? Hell to the nah, but we love our little family and our 2 teenage sons (16 and 14).
Most of our friends are still married, our Syracuse crew is a bunch of die hards. Out of 9 couples, only 2 are divorced, (and we're all black) but I think there is something to the fact that everyone has more than 1 degree and the capability to earn good money. We are able to co-exist without being co-dependent on one another. Education, and finance play a huge part in staying together, along with living within your means and having your own life within the marriage. Those are the key ingredients that keep our marriages strong.
Do you have weddings on the agenda for this summer? If so, are they close friends or family in the same age range?
Yup. My LS is getting married at the end of the month. That's the only one planned for 2010, so I'm doing well! 2008 on the other hand, was a hot mess. Think I went to 6?? Two years after graduating college, everyone was 23/24 and ready to jump the broom, I guess.
Are any of your closest friends married? If so, do you think the person is happier now than when you tore up the streets together in singledom?
I have 3 girlfriends that are still maritally single.
I have 18 LS's and 7 of them are married. I'm especially close to 3 of those LS's (all of whom also have kids). I think they're happier. They've all been married less than 3 years, but their hubbies are cool, supportive and loving from all that I can see. The most common complaint is the husbands telling the wives they spend too much time with the girls. All seem to be lovable, happy homes. And the men do NOT act as if their lives are over!
Lastly for the single women, do you try to catch the flowers like they have the key to eternal youth in the petals or do you calmly stand and watch?
Sigh…I used to when I was in a 4-year log relationship and just KNEW he was the one. And he would dodge the garter like it was laced with aresenic. Shoulda known then…
Alas, he was not the one. And I don't think I've been to a wedding since I found out he was cheating and we broke off our engagement. My LS's wedding at the end of the month will be my first nuptials since…dang! Got me thinking introspective thoughts on my birthday and what not! Smh…Gotta go ponder how I feel about this..lol
Everyone is looking at this flowers business all wrong. Do you know how much some people spend on their bouquet? Sorry but if you would like to toss me some exotic flower arrangement I will jump over that b's head to catch it.
If the bouquet is not appealing to me though, I can't front–I just pretend to be busy or not paying attention. lol.
Great dialogue on here today though. I think anything I might have said has already been said. I think the most important thing that I cosign with is the ladies who have said: you may not have it ALL together but Lord knows I am a work in progress too. You can't step to me as a bum, but are u working towards some stuff? You have some goals? You have a plan to reach them? Ya, so do I. Let's ride.
Well said…boo hiss to the cheating fiance. You're better off. Enjoy the upcoming wedding!
lol…wrong post?
LOL!!! Yes! My bad! Lol. Two for one I suppose!
I support "Let's Ride"! 🙂
Oh and none of my pertos amigos are married. My cousin however is getting married in the fall and I'm in the wedding party. I'm excited for her, but am I longing for my day or dreaming about it wistfully? Hahaha…slow smile. Absolutely not. Too young right now. Check back with me in 2/3 yrs lol.
These days the weddings have died down for me, but when I was in my un-relationship all our friends were getting married and we were getting pure side-eyes from everyone wanting to know when our turn was coming.
I will say this though: even if I wanted to get married I would never do that catching the bouquet thing…it just seems so desperately thirsty to me.
Lmao. I was actually going to post that. I avoid the bouquet toss, except for when I see that b*tch is beautifully arranged with flowers flown in from the four corners of the earth…in those circumstances (and under no other) will I pull out my spring board I reach the sky for those flowers.
Otherwise YA u look thirsty. Anyone seen Bride Wars? I rest my case.
Also am I the ONLY female here that LOVES flowers? Hell is wrong with ya'll. lol.
They smell great (most of the time) and look beautiful (most of the time), but flowers really just aren't my thing. They're like other people's kids. They're cute and all (and smell like baby powder), but I'd prefer they go home with you.
Why don't they toss a box of Good and Fine chocolate instead of flowers ?
True…those lame ass flower's don't last but a week here in the arctic circle anyway. I can think of a few good outcomes of rich chocolate consumption.
max- exactly me ! I was (still am) learning the rules of the game. Now I helicopter up and watch, don't want to be any part of that game, it's boring. I loooove your blog, I wish my cousins-friends could understand English, they don't know what they are missing ! I was even thinking about translating some of them. Have been spending days and nights reading ALL the articles and LMAO. Maybe you can enlighten me on that one, how come when I tell a man (not all of them luckily) men that I am not attracted to HIM (the emphasis on ''him'', his answer is ''oh you don't like MEN'' ?
Ha! I will definitely speak on that.
And I'm glad you enjoy the blog. Maybe I should get it translated for my French-speaking Canadians…bonne idee 🙂
Hey all,
I'm a long-time lurker, i think this is my second comment. I have been waiting on this topic…
I went to my cousin's wedding in November. It was very strange… Prophecying (sp?) over the marriage, "thank you Lord for the marriage bed," communion for the step kids, crazy family members sneaking in the back. I was so thrown by the ceremony that I just dipped, didn't even go to the reception… so that's a bold NO to trying to catch the bouquet.
None of my close friends are married and only 2 out of 6 are in "serious" relationships (and by serious, I mean he lives with me and my mama…). A couple peeps from college got married and they seem happy on facebook. but you know what they say: believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.
I'd like to get married soon (read: 5 years) but since I'm single, i'm not pressed about it. In the mean time, I'ma work on my cooking skills, so that when The One shows up, he won't starve…
What's good with family members sneaking into the wedding? I've heard of this foolishness before.lol. It seems so strange to me.
"believe half of what you see and none of what you hear." This, right here, is why I didn't even bother answering the part of the post about them being happy. What I perceive and what's really going on are two different things. I know quite a few people who will go to great lengths to keep up the image that their relationship is great, but there are some serious issues going on behind the scenes.
Welcome back, and I hope you keep commenting.
Don't you be just disregarding my questions and sh*t. Wtf you think this is? I keed.
You make a good point with that though about the image that people try to paint. I didn't even think of people referencing FB as an indicator of what was really real in the relationships of others. I would think that in terms of our closest friends that we'd be able to tell if something was wrong without them necessarily saying "My husband/wife sucks and I don't mean that in a good way." Sh*t, all the people I know that are married will quickly talk about the struggle because they know I don't got a blabber mouth. Snitchin.
I do what I want!!!!
Seriously though, your closest friends probably would tell you this stuff. I know plenty of people who keep that kind of stuff real close to the vest. The main reason is usually that they've learned their lesson about opening their mouths about personal ish in the past (this may be specific to my hometown), but some people also just like to give off the impression that they are doing better than everyone else. Telling your girl that you had a pan thrown at your head (ala Precious) by your man does not keep up with that image. Letting your boys know that you found the wifey nailing the mailman does not scream "envy me".
My (semi, not-really at all, but have nothing better to call him) ex didn't even let on to his brothers and parents that there were issues in his marriage. Neither of their family or close friends knew anything was going on for almost two weeks after they split. They were just private people, and when they did share, it was with inappropriate people not really tied to the rest of their lives.
The male portion of the "happiest and most in love" couple I know just got slapped with DV charges after beating the daylights out of her. Nobody knew that this was a semi-regular occurence. Just sayin.
@Slim — I feel what you're saying, that you hope your close friends could come talk to you, but… those tend to be the people you want to know the least about the worst of your life. when i call my girlfriends from college, i don't tell them that i'm broke, looking for a job… i emphasize the fact that i'm graduating from a top 20 graduate school with x GPA… blah blah. I know for me (and this just could be pride ::clears throat::) things have got to be realllllly bad for me to ask for help, like nervous breakdown bad. and even then, i'm only asking for help to bury the body…
#snapped
p.s. co-sign bouquet catching = thirsty
I just need to develop more in a few key areas before I can be comfortable with the idea. I can’t commit my life to someone when I know that I have such a long way to go personally, emotionally, but most certainly not physically.
A lady friend and I talk touched on this mentality this weekend. She said that men and women determine when their ready to settle down differently. Men have to feel like they have everything in order before settling down; however, women feel like be ready entails being on the path of getting it all together. That is all.
Back to work.
are women better at multi-tasking ?
Of course they are! just check this
http://www.singleblackmale.org/2010/06/02/trust-i…
That video broke me DOWN when you first posted it. I was driving down a windy road on my way to work and almost ran off the side.
Too much for a 7AM drive. I need to take heed to the warnings. I support the title…Trust Issues. Ugh.
BWHAHAHAHA!!
Non, No, Nao, Awa … The ''lady'' 's got skills.
Naw… I just think we desire the feeling of being prepared to handle anything that may come along due to our relationships. As a guy, its not a great feeling to not be able to embark on something with someone because you're not prepared in some aspect. The world has taught us that we should be ready to handle anything. The Boy scouts Motto is: "Be prepared." Hence, is why I always have condoms on me. lol
am I trying to hide my fear of commitment with ''I am not prepared'' ? Yes maybe, or I am not ready or didn't find that special someone or I like being single. Sometimes the answer is plain and simple. Life is full of surprises, you can be ''prepared'' today and loose everything tomorrow. Are you going to say ''wait sweetheart, I am not ''prepared'' anymore. Let's go our separate ways and I will come back when I will be ''prepared'' ?
@Miss Martinique,
Being "prepared" to a guy is a combination of financial and mental aspects.
Look at it like this… A guy can own a house but is doing work to it. A woman would say, "Oh! I want to see it. I don't care if it's not finished." Most guys I know, (me included) would hesitate and would rather display it once its finished. What birds you know will display a only partially done nest?
This mentality applies across a guys entire life. The whole, "you can be 'prepared' today and loose everything tomorrow" is more about being able to handle the situation mentally, but having a solid starting point. And yes, if I lost EVERYTHING, I would be less inclined to date, but I could possibly still date IF I have a mentality to handle the unforeseen hiccups in life.
Just found this blog hopping from one blog page to another.
A friend and I were jawing about this a few weekends ago. He and I are the only ones not married out of a circle of about 10. I practically was but it mutually and thankfully faded into the ether.
I've attended more weddings than I can think of and I've been in sevens weddings holding positions from "Best Man" to "that dude handing out programs". Three of them were exes with whom I had prior relations. Always had a chuckle to self when I said congratulations to their husbands. Really want to say "She likes it when you …you should try it on the honeymoon" . So far so good they are still all married.
Just observing the marriages I had some involvement in there just seems to be WAY to much work going in order to stay something resembling, not even happy but content with each other. I always know it is getting bad with the half of the couple that I don't really know is venting to me at functions and asking questions that probably should have been asked BEFORE they got married. No one seems to feel that they got the person that they though they were getting when they got married.
I am a product of a two parent household so I know, have witnessed up close and personal that marriages can and do work and can be fulfilling. I have even walked in a few times when my folks were shagging at ages when I thought shagging days were through.
I guess that has been one of my questions about marriage. For those who are/were married how do you really know that that was the proverbial "one"?
I can't answer your question… but I will say "EW" at the suggestion of my folks shagging. *barf face*
RIGHT?!?
I love how he threw that in there all casual like it's not the most disturbing thing ever.
yuck.
Well, it is not like I grabbed a bag of popcorn, sat down and took notes. I have had extensive counseling sessions for what I saw that horrible night. I was just saying that the love is still there after all those years.
As the resident "Married Dude" on SBM, to answer your question about knowing whether she's the one…
"What you have to realize is that, there's a difference between knowing the path – and walking it." – Morpheus
What I mean by that is, there's really no such thing as "the one". There are literally thousands of women who could fit the mold, it's more on you to decide that you're ready to have someone walk that path. Once you make up your mind that you're ready to be married, you'll find it's very easy to find a good woman. They're plentiful. When you do find her, you have to work very hard at the relationship, viewing every word, and every action as a seed that will bear fruits that either edify the relationship, or spoil it.
The key to marriage is selflessness. The only way it works is if both people regard the other person's happiness as more important than their own. So, you'll know she's the one when you, without thinking, care more about her being happy than you care about yourself being happy. You'll be 'walking the path' without even knowing it. Hopefully, if you've done things the right way and set your relationship up with a good foundation, she also will be walking the path – caring about your happiness more than her own. And the next thing you know, you'll be saying I do.
@ first I wanted to laugh b/c you quoted Morpheus, then I ended up saying aawwwwww…
*le sigh*
It was geekishly corny at first and then after you read the rest, it became more mushy corny… #YouLikeThatRight
Seriously though… it's truth. I'm not special, neither is my wife, we just decided we were speical together, and been making it do what it do ever since.
Ask Streetz, he knew both of us before there was an 'us'. Neither of us were all that.
Well, I kinda was…
@Most,
I wont snitch on u for that last line…llol
I will say that you two grew together, and served as a great inspiration for all of us. They made that commitement, stuck to it, and made it happen. Y'all also had MAD SUPPORT of friends and fam which help immensly!
Truly a blessing.
Aite eff this emo shyt. Y'all aite n*gga
#ALLRUDEEVERYTHING
Yes, yes, yes to everything you posted today. I hope folks are paying attention.
I went to a wedding one time. The groom had on Jordans, the bride had the back of her dress out so people could see her new tattoo. They was white.
I have been in three weddings. When serving as one of the best men, I realized that it is damn hard to be a best man. It is your responsibility to get the groom over that broom. I remember the groom said, "I gotta use the bathroom" at his last dinner and I replied, "Then we all got to use the bathroom." No cold feet around here.
I don't think I will have a big wedding, but I do have plans to be a husband and father one day. I don't think marriage is about getting your stuff together, or having all the right pieces.
I think marriage is about deciding that you've met the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. That you will love and cherish.
Since that sounds emo, i'll say it in hood. I don't need to get my credit up to 650 or move out the basement. Or stop going to Eastern's Motors to get married. I don't need to make manager at Athlete's Foot, I still get my commission.
My wedding will be broadcast on HBO though because i'm sure there are about 100 women who will want to act a hot mess. I am almost convinced my wedding is getting crashed by a group of negative chicks.
Through good times, and bad times, i'll be on your side for ever more… that what godsisters are for…
#trymeandfindout
"I think marriage is about deciding that you’ve met the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. That you will love and cherish."
Agree wholeheartedly…
Im gonna hire Secret Security, KGB, and Bouncers from the Park at my wedding. Snipers will be in the bldg to take down any wench who jumps up to get beat down
#donttazemebro
That's a little harsh, isn't it? If you have to go through all of that, you should just elope. lol
My mom will personally drive me to Heaven if I elope lmao
If a man asks me to marry him AND I want him. I will elope asap because I don't want to give him time to change his mind ! lol (no joking).
LMAO @ Streetz's mama… I thought mine was the only one who made threats on my life.
@Streetz
LOL! My mom would do the same. I threaten to elope every time she attempts to intrude in my on again/off-again romantic life
@Miss Martinique
Girl, if/when a man proposes to me, I'm not trying to have a long engagement. I say, we go to Vegas, get married in some little chapel, and have a nice reception at one of the hotels. Basically, something I can plan in 2-6 months. lol.
My first time posting a comment since I started reading SBM a few months ago (thanks to Max!)!
First off, I'm not a fan of weddings – mainly because I don't understand why people spend so much $$$ on one day.
Anyhow, I digress..I am invited to two weddings this summer and thankfully I can't attend either.
Last summer I was in my sister's wedding and one of my closest girlfriends wedding…the only one of a group of five friends who is married. The rest of us are single…I can't attest to her happiness but I can say I don't see her very often and since she’s been married she’s not as involved with the rest of us, which I understand … to an extent.
As for the catching of flower’s – I had the unfortunate pleasure of catching the bouquet at my girl’s wedding – only because I got plenty looks of disgust cuz I let it land at my feet instead of reaching out and grabbing it!
PS…Max is absolutely right about the men in Toronto!
Hi Gina!
p.s. you guys need to put me on the payroll. The amount of Canadian girls I've turned on to you is staggering.
You onlly get paid if ___________________
LMAOOO
Hold fast there, Max! The United Womens Coalition is still in negoatiations for a salary for Sane, our Goodwill Ambassador. Your position as International Outreach Director will be funded once we get her paid.
Humph. We may need to up the ante. SBM's next post might be from dayum basement, lol.
the men in Toronto…You could replace that by ''God's gifts to women in Toronto'' well that's what they seam to believe. After 8 months in To, I think being single is the best thing after chocolate LOL.
I am happy for my friends or cousins who are getting married, have kids etc… The wedding I am going to attend will be full of …surprises, the bride's parents don't like the groom. After 24 hours trip (plane and car+train) I will have to smile for 3 days, not give my aunt hell, quiet and quit being opinionated (I will test my self-control).
I swear ever since my 25th birthday last year, I have been invited to more weddings than I have been to in my entire life. In the past 8 months I have been to 5 weddings! That's 5 dresses! None however are people in my age group, thank goodness. Well this was true until one of my girls decided to throw her 'Single Ladies' privileges away to the love of her life. That wedding is this November, I guess it was only a matter of time.
During the bouquet toss, whenever everyone else is running towards that meaningless bundle of flowers, I stand alone in the back, 3 feet away from the angry hurd, looking the other way. At one wedding last year the heffa threw it right in front of me as I walked away. I cursed her later.
we were separated at birth, I swear. see my response
"I can’t commit my life to someone when I know that I have such a long way to go personally, emotionally, but most certainly not physically. I’m on a horse."
LMAO! And I've never been to a wedding yet where I had to worry about catch the bouquet. But when the time comes, I will calmly watch, thank you.
And oh my God! It seems like there's an age when you start "looking forward" to wedding invites. Looks like 24/25+? I'm 20..soo… uhh you can say I have some time right? (please say yes)
So I'm all late with my response dear (oh yeah I decided to get me a lil web name, DeSmiles fits no?)….but anyway the bouquet was caught for jokes! Maybe I shoulda let one of the ladies who were actually serious catch the bouquet. I really don't see me being NEXT although that's what the rules say :O
I have a cousin who might as well be a sister that's getting married. I'm in the wedding. I love being in weddings, but not for the reasons you'd think. I just love getting dressed up, drinking from an open bar, and cute groomsmen.
My group of girlfriends are hysterical and NONE of us are married and I guarantee many of them have all kinds of theories as to why. The world hates black women, etc. (My only friends that are married are from high school and are white…for the most part) I come from a divorce household and I love boys, so I'm in no rush to run down the aisle. I may be the only twenty-something female running around saying that but it's honestly true. I also don't like kids, so I have no biological clock to worry about.
The last wedding I went to was such a good time. A. Blast. And when it was time to catch the bouquet, I walked to the back and just stood there. I made no moves. But everyone was clamoring for a little bunch of flowers that doesn't mean in any way shape or form that you'll be next to get hitched. I don't believe in luck, I believe in God, so when it's time, it's time. It isn't time, for me, personally, but someone in that mosh pit? Maybe it was for her…or she just really wanted it to be.
I bet my night ended better than hers did though….
::Does a happy dance::
I have no weddings this summer!!! MAN!…
I had like a rash of weddings starting about three years ago. People were getting hitch AND popping out kids left and right. The worst was summer before last. I had 3 close friends get married… I was the MOH (maid-of-honor) for one wedding, and then another pair of close friends were having their first child. I must have dropped $4K easy on showers, gifts, bus/train/plane tickets, hotel rooms, dresses, dinners, etc…
This year I get my revenge… I'm the "day-of" coordinator at a wedding later this summer. That means they have to pay me to attend this one :o) <—- #swindle?
Me and my girls from college have a bet going on who's gonna get married first. They all think it will be me, which I think is hilarious seeing as I've never serious boyfriend yet alone been anywhere close to heading down the aisle.
One happy thought about weddings is that all of the ones I've been to in the past few years have been between couples who truly love each other. I think all four are in it for the long haul. They give me hope.
My bestfriend is getting married in July…this has been a crazy road (planning and dress picking). We use to kick it bad in college. This whole marriage things has toned her down tremendously. Apart of me misses my old friend, but we all have to come to that point in life when we throw the towel in. Obviously, I'M NOT THERE YET! So, she can "live" through me!
SN: you ain't neva lied when you said you spend more money then expected. A wedding is a SOCIAL ROBBERY! (Especially, if you are in it!)
Teflon, I think when they get around to paying me, I'm gonna have to give you 10% just for looking out for me.
As a married young black man, I think the key thing is to be personally ready for marriage, A lot of black guys are scared to commit because of all the fun they think they will be missing out on, but if thats your school of thought then the chances are you havent yet found the right woman. when you find the right woman commitment will be easy, in fact you'll move heaven and earth to make her your wife.
Let me break it down to you so that it can forever and consistently be broke…
Black men do not want black women to have high standards because most cannot meet them. An education and a willingness to financially be responsible for one's family scares black men to death because most are failures at life. Most can't even make it out of high school, so how the hell can they be college educated or have the means to care for a family?
Brothers need to stop using us an excuses for their failures. Step up your game. Your marriage statistics are lower than ours and your incarceration rates are higher.
Slim Thug said one true thing… the successful black man does not exist anymore.
@Josie — I think you have a valid point, just hard to find in the racially charged, us vs. them, angry woman speech. Seems to me you doth protest too much… Spurned by a black man lately? #justaskin
I have run across a boy-man with little to no ambition or drive (my father, ain't that sumthin?) I think the difference btwn him and all the other street losers is that he knows most women with benefits are out of his league. He says he'll never get married again because… he'll have to step up and grow up (not in these exact words). Basically, he likes his paltry lifestyle and has no wish to change.
So… All that to say, there is some truth to what you're saying. I still have hope that there are more men in the world that don't suffer from this unfortunate disease and are looking to settle down with a good woman and build something. #keephopealive
The most interesting part of the post was the idea that marriage = saying good bye to a friend…as if he died.
In some ways this is an accurate depiction– I have even seen guys who once could think with their own brains turn into pieces of mush who have to ask their girl when they can go to the bathroom together.
Anyway, as long as marriage= seen as the end of the remainder of a guy's close relationships, friendships and in general the end of their life "as they know it" it'll continue to be something that many men run away from.
Point is, if the concern is that men fear "settling down with a good woman and building something" then we have to be careful that the requirements of doing so aren't priced too high, and sadly too many women price marriage out of the market as viable options to guys who have a lot of other stuff, people, etc. going on.
For those with a more balanced approach, good for you because we need more of you women out there.
For guys who forget that there are people outside of their wives who exist (i.e. p#@$@ whipped dudes), shame on you. Marriage is no excuse for dumping close friends.
"Marriage is no excuse for dumping close friends."
However, I found it to be the perfect excuse for dumping worthless, begging acquaintances.
Also, welcome!
*Welcome to all the new posters today that I did not get a chance to personally welcome. I hope you keep posting so we can get to know you and feel free to put up a picture so I can put a face to the name.
Gravatar.com
SaneN85, I was referring to both people, of course (that was a plural "you"). Marriage is a partnership so, it would be ridiculous to talk about only one person contributing. 😉
"Everyone is looking at this flowers business all wrong. Do you know how much some people spend on their bouquet? Sorry but if you would like to toss me some exotic flower arrangement I will jump over that b’s head to catch it."
Good point, but maybe I'm not gaga for flowers. I wouldn't care if they were rare orchids picked from the crack of Aphrodite's ass. I'm not wrestling over them. Lol
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lol. Where do I begin?
1. I think I found this blog via Max as well, so yeah, y'all really do need to get her on that payroll.
2.
AllMost comments that have been made about Toronto dudes in general are accurate.3. I have to agree with TMIMITW & Dr J's posts. To be honest with you, Slim, as much as it would be nice to settle down with Mr. FullyDevelopedInEverySenseOfTheWord, most women would be content with saying "I Do" to the love of their life, short-comings (No double-entendre) and all. I've never been in the situation, but it's discouraging for some women when their 5 year partner is set on achieving certain personal and professional goals before tying the knot. A lot of them would've been down to jump the broom at year 3, and I'm not just talking about women who are fascinated by the fairy tales associated with weddings & beyond. Sadly, some guys don't realize this and their women eventually give up, thinking that excuses are being made and that said dudes are really not interested in tying the knot with them.
I personally want to be at a certain point in my life, career and emotional maturity before meeting Mr Right, but if I were to meet him tomorrow and things progress to a point where we both feel like spending the rest of our lives building on this here thing, then my answer would be an emphatic "YES!" (ok, perhaps not so extra-like..I'd probably say it in a hushed tone with the biggest smile on my face, tears in my eyes, and some sniffles to boot) . Part of the reason I want to be at the aforementioned level of maturity is so that I would be able to recognize what makes for Forever/HappilyEverAfter, but I have the basics down, and I do intend to go through couples counseling and such.
4. @TMIMITW: I'm usually rather skeptical when I see such self-ascribed monikers, but I'll concede that you're an interesting individual indeed. #CaptainObvious
And finally:
Do you have weddings on the agenda for this summer? If so, are they close friends or family in the same age range?
I've attended 3 weddings in my lifetime. The first didn't count because I was 3, the second was a co-worker's, and the most recent (which was post-summer) was a friend's. The latter was a 24 year old bride, and there are a few ladies in the general/extended circle of friends who have either recently jumped the broom or will be doing so shortly.
Are any of your closest friends married?
Nah. I'm hoping one will be there soon, though.
Lastly for the single women, do you try to catch the flowers like they have the key to eternal youth in the petals or do you calmly stand and watch?
I think I was ready to throw some bows at the last 2 weddings I mentioned above, but it's all in good fun. I'm not superstitious, so catching them means absolutely nothing to me. I'd be concerned if a significant other thought that my eagerness to catch the bouquet was cause for alarm.