You’ve always wanted to know, haven’t you. Probably not the foremost thing in your mind so much as an idle curiosity. Don’t worry, it’s not as bad as you think…or maybe it is. In any event, I’m going to give you an idea of some of things that happen when you’re not home/around or otherwise busy around the domicile. This applies to all types of relationships, whether you been married forever, dating for a while, “just f*ckin'”, or traveling on weekends to spend time together. There are just some tendencies that men develop over time that women perceive as bad habits that men just can’t shake. Ain’t no Betty Ford for this sh*t, son.
Drinking Straight From the Container (But you knew this)
Just assume that every container in your fridge has been drank from, except maybe your milk. Maybe. The process of getting a glass, grabbing some ice, and pouring a drink can sometimes be an exhaustive process. Sometimes you’re not that thirsty, all you really need is a quick swig from the bottle in the fridge. What you call lazy, I call efficient time management. Think about it, we’ve been doing this since we figured out how to walk. We’re actually helping the environment by not using a paper cup or running water to wash a glass. It’s heroic, really.
Most of the time your man has to himself is spent playing video games. This is the only time that he can get his video game fix in, without having to pause the game to grab something off a tall shelf that doesn’t say “beer” on it. Unless one of you owns a Wii, women usually aren’t fans of video games. They may attempt to watch you play once or twice, but just hinting about playing a game of Madden will prompt a woman to exit the room. I’m sure you’d like to think he’s doing something worthwhile like working out or reading a book, but he’s really just playing NBA 2K10. After all, this is the only peaceful time he can play Xbox without you getting mad he’s not playing with your box.
Watch Porn And/Or Masturbate
If he has a stash of porn lying around on DVD, more than likely the aforementioned video game console is used to view their porn. Your momentary or prolonged absence is the perfect time to watch Pinky do her thing and rub one out. Being alone with our dirty thoughts is some of therapeutic time a man can spend alone. No one judging, no one watching, no one walking into the room and dropping their hot cocoa. Believe it or not we enjoy porn story lines and feel cheated when we have to fast forward to the nasty parts. Knowing why she’s wearing a wedding dress and a clown wig is much sexier than just skipping to the money shot.
Peeing With The Seat Down
Well, you wanted the seat down…there you go. Instead of going through the hassle of paying attention to the up/down thing, we’ve simplified the process by just resolving to let loose regardless of what position we find the seat in. Unfortunately if the seat is down, it’s going to stay down without a second thought. Of course, that’s only until you find an inappropriate time to bring it up…like when we’re playing video games.
Use Your Personal Effects
Ever wonder how men manage to keep their toenails trimmed despite not owning nail clippers? They use yours. That goes for every other random knick knack you own that can sometimes come in handy to men. His feet aren’t always that smooth…he uses your Ped-Egg from time to time. Your tweezers come in handy for getting those nagging ingrown hairs, and there’s just something about your body wash that is very relaxing after a long workout. And yes, he uses your toothbrush. I mean, unless you bought one for him, how else do you think he wakes up with minty breath?
In general, you can assume most of the unspoken rules that exist in domestic situations are breached by your man egregiously at every opportunity. If it’s any consolation, at least know that it’s not done maliciously, because as I stated earlier, these are age old habits that all men have had trouble breaking since the beginning of time. Any other petty crimes you’ve caught your man doing? Is it starting to make sense why your shampoo runs out so fast? Do share.
Up To No Good,