Home Throwback What Your Man Does When You’re Not Lookin’

What Your Man Does When You’re Not Lookin’

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This guy is focused.

You’ve always wanted to know, haven’t you.  Probably not the foremost thing in your mind so much as an idle curiosity.  Don’t worry, it’s not as bad as you think…or maybe it is.  In any event, I’m going to give you an idea of some of things that happen when you’re not home/around or otherwise busy around the domicile.  This applies to all types of relationships, whether you been married forever, dating for a while, “just f*ckin'”, or traveling on weekends to spend time together.  There are just some tendencies that men develop over time that women perceive as bad habits that men just can’t shake.  Ain’t no Betty Ford for this sh*t, son.

Drinking Straight From the Container (But you knew this)

Just assume that every container in your fridge has been drank from, except maybe your milk.  Maybe.  The process of getting a glass, grabbing some ice, and pouring a drink can sometimes be an exhaustive process.  Sometimes you’re not that thirsty, all you really need is a quick swig from the bottle in the fridge.  What you call lazy, I call efficient time management.  Think about it, we’ve been doing this since we figured out how to walk.  We’re actually helping the environment by not using a paper cup or running water to wash a glass.  It’s heroic, really.

See Also:  Letter To My Girlfriend About Football

Video Games

Most of the time your man has to himself is spent playing video games.  This is the only time that he can get his video game fix in, without having to pause the game to grab something off a tall shelf that doesn’t say “beer” on it.  Unless one of you owns a Wii, women usually aren’t fans of video games.  They may attempt to watch you play once or twice, but just hinting about playing a game of Madden will prompt a woman to exit the room.  I’m sure you’d like to think he’s doing something worthwhile like working out or reading a book, but he’s really just playing NBA 2K10.  After all, this is the only peaceful time he can play Xbox without you getting mad he’s not playing with your box.

Watch Porn And/Or Masturbate

If he has a stash of porn lying around on DVD, more than likely the aforementioned video game console is used to view their porn.  Your momentary or prolonged absence is the perfect time to watch Pinky do her thing and rub one out.  Being alone with our dirty thoughts is some of therapeutic time a man can spend alone.  No one judging, no one watching, no one walking into the room and dropping their hot cocoa.  Believe it or not we enjoy porn story lines and feel cheated when we have to fast forward to the nasty parts.  Knowing why she’s wearing a wedding dress and a clown wig is much sexier than just skipping to the money shot.

See Also:  Why Men Don't Commit

Peeing With The Seat Down

Well, you wanted the seat down…there you go.  Instead of going through the hassle of paying attention to the up/down thing, we’ve simplified the process by just resolving to let loose regardless of what position we find the seat in.  Unfortunately if the seat is down, it’s going to stay down without a second thought.  Of course, that’s only until you find an inappropriate time to bring it up…like when we’re playing video games.

Use Your Personal Effects

Ever wonder how men manage to keep their toenails trimmed despite not owning nail clippers?  They use yours.  That goes for every other random knick knack you own that can sometimes come in handy to men.   His feet aren’t always that smooth…he uses your Ped-Egg from time to time.  Your tweezers come in handy for getting those nagging ingrown hairs, and there’s just something about your body wash that is very relaxing after a long workout.  And yes, he uses your toothbrush.  I mean, unless you bought one for him, how else do you think he wakes up with minty breath?

In general, you can assume most of the unspoken rules that exist  in domestic situations are breached by your man egregiously at every opportunity.  If it’s any consolation, at least know that it’s not done maliciously, because as I stated earlier, these are age old habits that all men have had trouble breaking since the beginning of time.  Any other petty crimes you’ve caught your man doing?  Is it starting to make sense why your shampoo runs out so fast?  Do share.

See Also:  Is Being Self-Employed a Red Flag for Dating?


Up To No Good,

…eff the Celtics.

Comment(45)

  1. Drugs.

    Oh wait, they may just have been my man.

    To be perfectly honest, I'm not unfamiliar with most on this list myself and number 4 is just a permanent thing for me. 🙂

  2. Personally, I watch the same Sportscenter, over, and over, and over.

    Like, even right now, I just watched the whole entire Lakers/Celtics game, now, I've just watched the highlights and post game interviews like 3 times.

    There's also good stuff we do, like, take out the trash so that you don't beef when you get home, clean up stuff, watch sportscenter.

    Mostly, though… Sportscenter…

    1. Do you change your avatar at night just to mess with me? I see it one second and the next day it's back to the other one. It makes me question my sanity.

    2. yep. i watched the game as well. the post game interviews. discussions about the game on around the horn, then again on PTI then again on the 6/5pm (c) sportscenter. my tv pretty much stays on espn (and abc, gameshow network and the history channel).

  3. #3- is strange but ''do what you gotta do''.

    #4- If you make a mess, clean it up—-it's called ''arrogance'' baby, it's not THAT long, you should come closer…

    #5- I have plenty of brand new toothbrushes. There is one in each of my purses and in my car. I know It's weird. Never & ever going to share that one.

  4. my homies on the corner would be SO happy..

    1. i take a swig from the jug.. you hit the nail right on the head, sometimes i REALLY just want a quick sip to wet the throat (pause)..

    2. i actually LOVE video games.. and i've been known to call dudes over to play video games.. i'll watch, i'll help you find the secret path.. and we can play capture the flag.. ALL DAT!! if i know something is coming out i'm known for the "don't you play that without me" phone call.. and yeah, i'm that one that'll remind you that "PTI" is on..

    4. that's fine. as long as the seat ain't wet when i sit on it, we're fine..

    5. this is know for fact.. the thing is that i gave my ex pedicures and scrubbed his feet etc.. and that STILL didn't keep him from using my jewelry pliers to pick his toe jam.. not only that.. but he would NEVER remember which rag was his.. i'm like "why is this wet?" (pause)

    Classic!!

    1. I'm glad I'm not the only woman that does the stuff on this list. I don't mess around with personal hygiene products though, the word personal is in there for a reason.

  5. Yeah, I figured as much…I also have two sons who will be doing the aforementioned in due time…they are still in the "juice box" phase right now…..

    Honestly, I really don't care what my SO uses..as long as its not my toothbrush and my "rag". I don't really relish the idea of him drinking out of the containers but I am sure it happens….but, he is kinda persnickity about things so he may not……

    He can play his video games…like he told me, "at least I'm not out in the streets"…now, thats game! LOL…

    Carry on!

  6. 1. "What you call lazy, I call efficient time management."
    That sums it up my feelings right there.

    2. I think everyone knew about this.

    3. "Believe it or not we enjoy porn story lines and feel cheated when we have to fast forward to the nasty parts."
    I don't know if enough women realize this. Yeah the actual chex is why we watch, but we enjoy it a lot more when there's a good story to go along with it.

    4. "What you call lazy, I call efficient time management." This quote applies to so many things we do.

    5. This one I don't cosign as much. It's true that when your girl is not around, it's very tempting to use their stuff and I have, but rarely. The toothbrush thing is a bit much for me. If I lost mine or it got messed up, I'd go and buy a new one before using hers.

    1. well there was that one time. i wouldn't necessarily call it snooping. my ex left her diary/journal laying on top of the dresser. i was there by myself so i read the thing from cover to cover. bad idea. never again. lol

  7. Yeah, they do all of that ish and then some. my biggest pet peeve? using my bathroom towel, DON'T use my towel…i can have a stack of fresh bathroom towels and my husband AND my sons will go for mine like it has a lo-jack on it.

    Do they try to hide the fact that they use it? NOPE…my oldest will use it and leave it in the middle of the bathroom floor. They will march past me while I'm brushing my teeth in the morning and start to pee WITH the lid down. These clowns have no shame. I really think that they're stronger than me, they're more determined to break me than I am them.

    The most bugged out part? There are THREE bathrooms in my house…THREE, yet they always want to use the one I am in. I think this is turning into a rant so I will stop here…*mumbling to myself*.

  8. All of this is true minus the toothbrush. I aint using no one's toothbrush. I'll put some toothpaste on my finger before that.

    I use all of the SO's sh!t in front of her. Her sh!t just works better or something I dont know.

    I have to watch sportscenter at least 3 times to know what's up

  9. I know my exes have been through all my ish. That's what happens when you have your own apartment and you leave them alone for extended periods of time in it.

    Also, I love PTI and watching guys play video games. I have two older brothers so all I used to do was watch people play video games and watch sportscenter. I don't understand how one can watch sportcenter ALL DAY LONG though, that I will never understand.

  10. I caught a guy going through my underwear drawer looking and yes sniffing them. I was mortified and that was the end of our time together. Sniffing my undies, not to mention going through my dresser was a no no.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate

    Tiffany

  11. i can agree with your list except urinating with the seat down. i might use her personal effects as well but using her toothbrush is where i draw the line. that's just nasty.

  12. If my s/o were to do any of these things, I wouldn't mind at all. A guy that I've dated used my toothbrush and I don't see the harm. I have little nieces and they use it all the time when they forget their toothbrush. Wipe it off. It's not the end of the world.

    I've also seen the same guy masturbate. Dude had his eyes closed and I didn't know what he was doing at first. After watching for a few minutes, I realized what was going on and stepped in.

    The things listed are typical things guys do. Personally, I drink from the container (at home). Save a cup, drink out the bottle. I don't drink much anyway. A sip does me good for a long period of time.

    1. Lmao. "Save a cup, drink out the bottle."

      Reminds me of a simliar phrase I swear I've seen: "Save a plankton. Kill a whale." lmao ((giggles)) Okay. Proceed.

      Oh and kudos on the "stepping in". I like to step in too ^_^

  13. Slap me. This feels like déjà vu. Feels like I've been at this post and I've seen the same people comment… or maybe I'm seeing shxt….

    With that said, the list is very true. Especially with that nail clipper/tweezer stuff. >_<

    Lmao @please Excuse your s/o

    -toothpaste on finger (#iDied… mind u I'm in public chuckling)

    "What you call lazy, I call efficient time management." Sums it up. And i can't say it's just for men. Damnit, I'll take a few swigs myself. And I will be using this line on FB, Twitter, my journal, my life, I hope you get the point so I don't have to go on, etc.

    Great post, of course. Did I even have to say that? Oh! And I'm sooooooo getting a shirt. Okay. That is all… for now

      1. Yeah, I know. That's the name I had to give my ex when I caught him in the act. Couldn't let him get by thinking no one saw it.

  14. Ok… I've been going back and forth on posting this but… wth… it's Friday…

    When I'm home alone… I dance. I don't mean like… two step… I mean like… full out music video choreography dance. I'm actually really good… I'm just too cool for school to do more than a two step in public.

    I know the full cheorgraphy to the following videos:

    Michael Jackson – Thriller, Beat It, and some of the Remember the Time video (can't get the whole thing… need a tudor). And, I do my own shhh to my alltime favorite MJ joint… The Way You Make Me Feel.

    Usher – You make me Wanna, My Way and You Don't Have to Call…

    NSync – It's Gonna be Me (it was hot in high school #Don'tJudgeMe)

    Also, when my wife's not home for a signifcant # of hours, I go "command center engaged". This means that I bring the flat screen that's upstairs downstairs and put it next to the other flat screen in the living room and I watch movies on one and play video games on another and I usually have my laptop on a little portable table next to my man chair.

    With that… this is officially the most geekish post I've ever written.

    signing off…

    1. Don't stop, get it, get it! 🙂

      I love it!

      Don't feel bad…I think I'm Ciara and Janet in my alone time….lolz.

    2. This post was adorkable. I know have this image of a 60 yr old version of you (which I just can't seem to get out of my mind) dancing around in your underwear Risky Business style. This also reminds me of Home Alone.

  15. Using another person's toothbrush is the nastiest grossest thing in existence.

    LOL @ Most…

    I must admit, I am the epitome of a music Video dude. I'll play music in my room, turn up the volume, and act out any rap video whether it has a video of not!

    During the VH1 Hip Hop Honors, I was Mystikals hypeman in the crib. Doing the South Hip Hop jog all over my room screamin "Mam there, Silk there, C there, P "

    LOL excellente!

  16. Not a fan of the toothbrush one… I can understand it and in theory it shouldn't bother me, but it still disturbs.

    Men DEFINITELY snoop through phones. I remember if I left my phone in a room with my ex for over three minutes, it would always be in a different place when I came back.

    I put password protection on my phone, not because I'm shady, but because you don't have the right to tell me I have no privacy until we make a serious committment.

  17. "It’s heroic, really."

    It's nasty, really. lol Seriously, that mess gets on my nerves.

    "They may attempt to watch you play once or twice, but just hinting about playing a game of Madden will prompt a woman to exit the room."

    I'm not the best at playing, but there is nothing more fun to me than watching two niccas go head-to-head playing video games. Sometimes watching them is more fun than the actual game, with all the sh*t-talking and all. lol

    "And yes, he uses your toothbrush. I mean, unless you bought one for him, how else do you think he wakes up with minty breath?'

    WHY would ya'll want to do that?? I KNOW you don't wanna go here, but I will: Consider where her mouth has been. Before you came along. That'll make ya'll go to Walgreens at 3am to get a toothbrush I bet. lol

  18. Damn I'm so late on this!

    1. I'm as lazy and as heroic as you are, I too take a swig from the gallon.

    2. Bring on the game of Madden or Splinter Cell and lets get to killing!!!! I love all of Tom Clancy's games, they're so addictive! And betting on Madden like who ever scores the losing team has to strip is always fun too!

    3. My porn collection is pretty good, along with toys, why do you think Mr. Pinky stays in the shower and why I love taking long showers?

    4. Cool pee with the seat down, hell pee sitting down I don't care, but if its wet we're having a talk. The hole is a lot bigger if you get closer.

    5. My ex was notorious for this, specially my body lotions and all of my mani/pedi instruments (I have a thing for perfectly pedicured feet)… I don't have an issue if he uses it, just please, PLEASE clean them after wards…

    Shit… if y'all knew of all the things we do when we're alone! lol

    *Disclaimer:
    The things may not apply to all females lol

  19. I hope I didn't say that I would share my toothbrush.

    I'm a germaphobe when it comes to that… I mean.. "mysophobe".

    I canNOT STAND taking my toothbrush and smelling something that doesn't smell ANYTHING like MY mouth… and trust me! I KNOW how MY mouth smells from earlier in the day when I brushed.. How? I friggin smelled it my damn self. When I'm brushing, do you know how close that is to my face? I have sensitive nostrils. These bad boys can smell ANY and EVERY thing.

    Oh and SHARE my washcloth? Hellllll no. Why didn't I comment more about this before? Even when I feel my rag's been used at home (living with my family), I change that shxt. Ughhh. I'l kiss a dude and whatnot swap body fluids too but toothbrush-sharing? Ehhh

  20. I'm fine with everything here except for the tooth brush thing . . . I change my brush regularly so I always have a good supply of extras. He's not too good to open that drawer and get one out (usually when I have guests, I leave one out anyway. Same for my towel since they are also clearly in a cabinet with a glass door . . . you see em, use em. Betta act like you know, lol.

  21. I'm all about watching you plaay a game, but make it a game with a storyline i.e byonetta batman arkam island. make it like movie night, don't expect me to sit and watch you play madden or basketball and don't even think about letting the computer play itself. i would watch sportscenter if i wanted to see that. Don't get me wrong i love watchin big games like the playoffs or the superbowl but i will not sit and watch it for no reason. Why watch pixelations when i can watch real people.

    You could offer to let me play and not sit to the left saying thats not right, or dang you still don't know which is the X buttton. No i don't i'm sorry i can't spend my life on here.

    SBFm rant lol

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