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No One Man Should Have All That Power

The Most Powerful Man In The World

These days men are able to do some strange things to women.  I never thought growing up that the gender that grew the fastest and matured the fastest would one day be subjected to so many swindles.  But if you listen to women tell it, they’re much smarter than men, much more mature, and know their men better than the men know themselves.  So why do women empower men with these strange super powers?

Tell me what you think about this;

1.  Have you ever had a man lie straight to your face, but you didn’t call him on it?  I think back over the years when a girl might have told me, “And I know he’s lying because he say he was with Damon and Damon was with Tasha, but that’s okay.  I’ll let his trifling a*s think he slick.”
2.  Do you know any men who are legitimately crazy, but people make allowances for it?  For example, “He has this bad habit of just showing up places when I didn’t tell him I was going to be there or invite him.  So don’t tell nobody I told you this, I’m trying to see if he is checking my email.”
3.  He has clearly talked to three of your friends, but you were the one who was able to get him in a relationship?  Is this something to be proud of.  Is it cool for men to talk to all y’all and it be cool?
4.  Or this one, “I know he be sleeping with those little girls he be meeting at the club on the weekends, but that’s okay, let him bring home something and that will be the end of that.”

I’m going to dig a little deeper;

See Also:  Why Do Men Kiss and Tell?

1.  Have you ever waited until your significant other or boo left or you weren’t around him anymore to cry?  So he never had to deal with the fact that he made you cry?
2.  You have a “friend” who you want to be more than friends with, so you let him use you as his pseudo shoulder to cry on?  He tells you all these stories about women he’s trying to bed, meanwhile you’re the most reliable woman in his life.
3.  Do you know an “asshole” who gets you so mad and upset that some days you want to curse him out and smack him with a hammer, but you haven’t done so because you don’t want him to know that he actually gets to you?
4.  I’m going to cut deep here, so I apologize in advance; You ever had a guy talk about a woman who is dealing with something that you had to deal with before in an insensitive manner?  He’s talking about how some women need to watch their weight, but he doesn’t know you used to be anorexic from the age of 11 until 23.  He’s talking about dark skin girls, but doesn’t realize that you spent hundreds of dollars growing up on bleaching creams.  So much to the point that your skin is so horrible now, that you can leave the house without makeup.

See Also:  Has Emo Rap Gone a Little Too Far?

What I’m getting at here today is how women enable men to do some weird, strange and sometimes disrespectful behavior without calling them on it.  We’re insensitive, we need to be told when we’re out of line.  I’m not encouraging you to throw a drink on that man today, or put some gum in his chair when he isn’t looking, but maybe you kick his trash can over today.  More importantly, maybe you stop enabling men.  I’ll give you some advice from someone who knows; the reason why women are running simps for everything they got is because men enable women.  If men didn’t give into women asking for a man to pay their bills, or buy them lavish gifts, no women would think it was okay to ask for them.  You may think that the ship has sailed and men and women are just different.  Let me remind you something my coach used to tell us when we were down in a game, “The same way they got up 10 on us, is the same way we’re going to come back and tie this game.”


  1. i co-sign the "wow.."

    i had to pause and re-read a couple things..

    i'm VERY much the person that will call people out.. especially when something just doesn't make sense!!

    "your story has more holes than swiss cheese.. so tell me what was REALLY going on!"

    but that's just me.. i find that when confronted by an observer like me, most men ain't ready.. and will usually fudge themselves up without any input from me..

    i have given someone "super powers".. but "i'm a big kid now".. and that ish just don't fly with me anymore homie..after my last relationship (in my mid 20's) i learned..

    i can't enable silly behavior.. as i find i don't have a lot of patience for stupidity.. or just areas where i feel you should know better..

    i'm patient, but only for certain things.. that isn't one of them… the same way i wouldn't want anyone to enable me with super powers.. is the same way i don't give that to anyone..

    (it's 3:25.. i'm hoping that made as much sense written as it did in my head..)

  2. Well, damn. Let me #subtweet this post on twitter for a few select people, lol j/k . . . maybe.

    I have to admit to committing a couple of these things in the past. Like the waiting to cry when he's not around and not showing my frustrations. I had a false sense of "self-control." Like, if I could put up this strong front I was proving something . . . proving what exactly? I dunno. Provingg that I wasn't weak, I guess. What good would that do? Again, I dunno, lol. So, I stopped that madness.

  3. It's always just easier to let a man "think" he has the upper hand, instead of just confronting him. I was always taught to TELL him the deal, be upfront about it. But as I got older…I just thought letting him think he was in control was easier.

    It's actually not.

  4. "Have you ever waited until your significant other or boo left or you weren’t around him anymore to cry? So he never had to deal with the fact that he made you cry?"

    – I've played this "tough cookie" role a time or two before … got me nowhere but MORE frustrated.

    Do you know an “asshole” who gets you so mad and upset that some days you want to curse him out and smack him with a hammer, but you haven’t done so because you don’t want him to know that he actually gets to you?

    – Didn't want to give him the satisfaction! lol

    By the way, I'm new here! … Well … new to posting 😀

    1. I knew you were new, sweetie. I'm trying to get better at distinguishing. Welcome! Trust me, you are not alone in doing either of these things. In fact, they're the only two on the list that really hit home for me.

  5. I have an idea on why some women let these things occur…the P*NIS! I've had close friends of mines tell me flat out "I know he treats me like sh*t, I know he cheats but…the d*ck is good so I'm gonna stay with him!" I do not judge people so all I'm gonna say is that I'm glad I've never received any D that was THAT good that I'd allow myself to be swindled. With that said, I'm too outspoken to let ANY of those things listed on this post slide. Quick to check a dude. That is all.

  6. damn son. it's pretty true though. i know a lot of women put up with behaviors like the ones listed. just like women don't want a man who is a pushover, men don't want a woman whom they can treat however they want. i would go a little further and say that men who treat women like such (will little regard for their feelings) are in fact weak themselves.

    i like my women with a little sass and can stand up for themselves when need be. all that other stuff is for the birds.

        1. "naw that would never be the case."

          O_o…says the one that wrote a post about valuing IQ over ass…

  7. Some of my males and females friends at home are assh*les but they play with people who want to play as well. They aren't hurting anyone and everybody is happy. I guess that's why I have difficulties to adjust to the game in To. One would think that after 30, people know what they want and be honest about it. I am outspoken and I don't cut anyone slacks. According to my previous employer and co workers, I have a temper, I am too blunt… Well don't hit on me and let me do my job in peace and I will be sweeter then honey.

    #Crying: I don't know anyone who knows me and has never see me crying. I am very sensitive and where I come from it's not associated with weakness. Plus who cares about what people think you are or not?!

    #Cheating, lying and swindles (I had to google that one and read all the posts to figure out a definition for that word, and I am still unsure): again in my book, do what ever you want but keep me happy. I will keep you happy too. I don't want to have doubts, caught you lying or anything. If I have a modicum of doubt I will dump your sorry a$$. Peace and love.

    #3. almost happened to me last week and I am still recovering ! (need Max insight on that one !) I still can't believe it so I put the story in writing.

    1. Swindle is a deception against truth. It is a way to "get over" on someone. That white lie. That misinterpretation of the truth.

      Yall gonna f*ck around and make me write a post on the word swindle

  8. "Have you ever waited until your significant other or boo left or you weren’t around him anymore to cry? So he never had to deal with the fact that he made you cry?"

    This shyt right here. I don't know why women do this. Oh wait. Yes I do. Black women are taught to be strong, show no emotional hurt, etc. WTF-ever. I think we sould take a lesson from our white counterparts. I swear they can cry on command. And the shyt works a whole lot. The man feels bad, understands he hurt her (even if he really didn't and she just wants to make him feel bad).

  9. I will be the first to admit good D will have you making allowances and excuses for a man, but KNOWING that he's cheating, beating (you), etc.- that's three steps to far. For the record- good D is worthless if it is community D.

    Now on to a more pressing issue: Dr. J, do you have any bros or cousins available? Or do I just need to find a mad scientist who will clone you for a small fee?

  10. Pt1: Good post… I was thinking that I've known women to let the first two things happen (in the first set of behaviors) b/c they are scheming or plotting something horrendous. They enable the trifling behavior b/c they want to show that in the end they were all-knowing. What does that do? I don't know. To me it seems pretty dumb b/c you stuck around through all the trifling-ness he threw your way.


    Pt 2:

    Hi Group! I'm So Flyy & I am a notoriously loyal/realiable friend to assh*lish men.

    I have been the "You have a “friend” who you want to be more than friends with, so you let him use you as his pseudo shoulder to cry on? He tells you all these stories about women he’s trying to bed, meanwhile you’re the most reliable woman in his life." girl! Ugh. I get frustrated just thinking about it. The sad part is my friend wasn't just trying bed these women, he was actually trying to wife them. He's a really good guy but couldn't see past certain misguided conceptions he had about the opposite sex. He was like my ace boon koon but eventually we grew apart. He's still a friend, I guess, and as far as I know he's still putting up w/ the same struggle.

    As for me… yea I moved on from him but like the dumb*ss I can sumtimes be, I replaced him w/ someone else doing the SAME thing. Needless to say, when I realized I had to cut it loose, which is hard b/c sometimes you do feel like you are losing a really good friend.

    I've been clean for a year a half.

    1. Girl… I too am a recovering notoriously loyal/realiable friend to assh*lish men.

      Quittin' ain't easy chile'… I was walking home the other day singing Allure at the top of my lungs: "I don't know why IIIIIII… get so high ohhhhhhh… get so high, high off the life!"

      Dudes will have you feeling stuck in the game like Don Corleone.

      I had a long talk just this weekend with my besty. She was explaining how her ex walked back into her life on some "I need your advice on this situation, I'm so vexed." and there she ran off to his rescue to be his counselor. A man who needs your "expert" advice can be intoxicating.

      I have days where I miss my homie/lover/friends but then I call my sponsor and she reminds me of the 1,846 reasons why I shouldn't drink the #swindle Kool-Aid.

      1. Ugh! Allure is MY song…

        I know what you mean, when they come back hitting that… I need your opinion on something I just breathe deep. It doesn't help that my family adores him. My brother chose to go to his alma mater in the fall instead of mine, so he's been hanging around…calling, etc. I just try to ignore him.

  11. This post touches a sensitive place for me because I was going at it (via email) with my S/O all day yesterday and it got heated and it got UGLY!

    Without going into too many details about my personal life, I will say that some of the things he said/did were out of order and I wasn't about to go to sleep on that B.S. without speaking on it.

    When I got home yesterday we clearly got into another heated debate (verbal this time) but he is the type of man to definitely point out my flaws but back pedals when someone points out his. In other words, "who gonna check me boo?"

    Well, I would like to think that he chose me as his woman because I'm intelligent too, and by the time I finished breaking it down, there were changes in his behavior THAT VERY EVENING. *drops mic, walks off stage* (mumbling, f* that nigga he must be crazy and I am not the one!)

  12. p.s. i can't front, I did go downstairs into the kitchen to cry at first, but I couldn't let him see that he got to me like that. Crying is a sign of weakness to me.

  13. I've been guilty of a couple of these in the past, #1 and 2 specifically. Both in the same ex. In general, I'm not very confrontational so it took me a while to overcome #1. But it's all good now. I straight be letting them know now, like, "I thought you said you were doing/going……".

  14. Amazing post. Cutting deep by exposing how people get cut deep. I think the stereotypical single black female looks so tough and battle tested that unless you are an SO you never get to see the sensitive side.

    I know I have made hella jokes on here that probably cut deep… Rape jokes. Child Molestation jokes. AIDS jokes. Abortion jokes. Virgin Jokes. Girl with no @$$ jokes. Loose Labia jokes….

    I think sometimes as an @$$hole we hope the shoe doesn't fit than we have to clean up the mess later if it does.

      1. i like twitter….

        its just that I am trying to minimize my distractions this year. So I stay away from facebook and twitter.

  15. Amazing post. Will come back and re-read it and comment. Gotta let some things marinate first.

    I might just re-read it again and again.

    Damn, that means, this post just cut deep.

  16. Its not hard for me to call out men I don't care about or the ones I'm casually dating…

    But the ones I do care about.. Hmph. Its a whole different story. I am very guilty of holding things in and then puking out a bunch of words/ incidents when I'm drunk or can't take it anymore.

    It comes out as a jumbled mess. Men are very quick to call a woman crazy or annoying/ needy so I try sometimes too hard not to be that. It only hurts me in the end because by the time I do say something, the behavior has bothered me so much that I've already started to distance myself and distance –> full on ignoring—>deading the whole thing altogether. I realize after its over that I shouldn't spoken up waaay sooner and maybe it could have been resolved…

    For me it was about the fear of losing control of my emotions. I know that I can be very emotional sometimes and in my experience, men do not handle that well.

  17. Good post Dr. J…

    I'm definitely guilty of more of the things on List 2 than List 1… but they are all #swindles which is why I've been encouraging my girls to let go to the BS in 2010.

    You might cut deep but I've discovered more recently that sometimes tough love is the way to go. When I was younger and less secure in my relationships with my girls I would let some of the stupid ish I see them do slide, or put on the kid gloves when discussing the #swindles their SOs were getting away with… now that I'm knocking on 30… I GO IN!

    Example… My girl's boyfriend bragged to her about an actor he claimed was a close friend of his from high school. My girl mentioned it to me when we saw him in a movie trailer one day and funny enough said actor is actually a close friend of my family. The actor was in a street theater troupe with my sister for several years, his sister and my sister were good friends growing up. He also went to HS w/ my cousin and they're still very close. Last time I was in NYC visiting my cuzo he went to dinner w/ us…. in other words… I REALLY KNOW HIM. So my girl's boyfriend lies and says he met the actor in HS… LIE!!! First he's 10 yrs older than you. Second, he went to HS in DC and you lived in (NOT DC). Old me would have let that slide. New me called him out as a liar (to her… no need to call him out in front of her and embarrass him) and asked her why it was okay for him to just lie like that and why does it say about their relationship if 5 years in he feels like he need to impress you by lying about dumb ish…

    …they broke up a few months later when she found out dude was cheating on her.

    Everybody makes mistakes in relationships but being stupid isn't cute anymore at 30. My friends and I are getting to an age where we need to stop playing the fool just to have someone to "bun up with". o_O

  18. I won't deny it. I've done some of these things; held back some of my tears, been that reliable friend who isn't getting any but madly in love…had interests talk about how they love them some light skin girls when I'm a deep cognac color and grew up in south Louisiana with a color complex. All I can say to this post is, it's true, and as far as this in my life, I'm working on it. Every since I've been in this new place (I'm abroad), I'm becoming bolder than ever and saying whatever is necessary. I'm young, and I understand that I must perfect the art of being bold, confident and direct without coming off as being a bitch.

    1. Omg Whitney… we are here *doing that eye to eye thingy*

      The first dude who I had that whole best friend but I want you vibe thing w/… he was allllllll about the light-skinned chick w/ the long hair. And sooooo many of them broke his heart. I felt so bad for him. I didn't want to tell him to give up on his preferences, that a light skinned chick would hurt him everytime, but after 3 in a row you'd think he'd expand his options.

      1. Are the light-skinted just heartbreakers or was there a more specific reason that they'd break his heart? #justaskin

        1. In his case, I'd say they were just heart breakers. True he was a little naive, & a little too giving sometimes but they were just naturally b*tchy chicks. & we all went to the same school so by the time he'd hooked up w/ the 3rd one she already knew what she could get away w/ & how to manipulate him.

  19. great post.

    I think when I was maybe 23 or 24 I decided that I was no longer going to "hide" my feelings for/from a man–no walking away to cry, not confronting issues head on. I'm not sure why but I guess I was at the "enough is enough" moment. I also don't hide my good feelings either. I lay it all on the table. I do hold back a bit when angry because I can say some really mean things in spite, so its better to let cooler heads prevail. but otherwise I'ma let you know.

    My mom taught me a long time ago that we "teach people how to treat you" this goes for any type of relationship. as a non confrontational person by nature, this was hard for me. but you just gotta put the words into practice.

  20. I surprisingly like this post and I say that even knowing I've done a few of those silly silly things (and sometimes still do) but I've been finding that being upfront makes you feel a whole of a lot better in the long run.

    The worse part are those things that you listed that are highly disrespectful… letting a man talk to your friends and then you start dating him- are you that hard up? As well as knowing that your man is cheating… c'mon HIV is not one of those things you just "bring home" and get treated. That's more about a woman's lack of self-esteem than a man's power.

  21. So many women tolerate bad behavior. Whether its an a$$hole bf, or an inconsiderate bytch of a so-called "bff", many of us avoid confrontation like the plague. By allowing people to get away with offending you, you are giving them license to continue. YOU teach people how to treat you.

    Great post, DrJ.

  22. @UppityBlackChic

    “naw that would never be the case.”

    O_o…says the one that wrote a post about valuing IQ over ass…

    yes i did write that post but that doesn't mean i don't know or understand the value of a nice, plump, juicy….

  23. I definitely tend to hold my tongue when sh*t goes down; not out of a fear of losing a man or a fear of confrontation but just because that's my style.

    I'm the type to just give a man all the rope he wants and see what he does with it. He'll either use it for good or for evil and I'm not one to coax him in either direction. If he ends up hanging himself…I guess it wasn't meant to be.

  24. Wow. Um. I definitely read it and blinked..

    But um, I've pulled the "cry when he's not around/once he leaves" but I got caught. Didn't confess though. Just sobbed silently & never said a word (until I had to get rid of that "friend")

    I had a "friend" (A) who spoke about abortions to another "friend" (B) without knowing B had an abortion cuz she had no choice and he was just going on about how "chicks who get abortions are fxcking retarded, don't know what they want in life, etc" Wow. B and I were pretty miffed at such.. ignorance. I felt for her.

    The @$$hole person? Ugh. There are like 3 of them that I know. But I can't let them know they get to me. I just "playfully" hit them a little harder than what would count as a "playful punch". I mean, really though? Shut up.

    Last but not least, the one he comes to, cries to, blah blah. Been there, done it, and left. It hurt that it took him so long to realize that I was the one there for him the most but luckily, life goes on.

    Nice one Dr.

  25. Been there done that had a friend guy who I wanted to be more than friends with but he was on some other ish…. F-that I Faded out …it got me frustrated and fed up …kept it moving getting too old for this ish… now Im like take it or leave it if I'm not your cup of tea dont bother taking a sip…

    1. "…take it or leave it if I’m not your cup of tea dont bother taking a sip…"

      I love this, by the way. I completely cosign your comment. I'll just take this lil saying though. lol way too cute ^_^

  26. I 2nd everything that was said. You are absolutely right. If we called men out on their poor behavior maybe they would realize what they are doing is wrong. On the other hand they might use it to their advantage and still get over.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate


  27. I have to agree on EVERYTHING you just said. I use to fall for that crap but as I got older, I was more like "Whoa, Stacy are you really falling for this b.s., you know he lying". So I had to revamp my mindset as a woman and throw all that crap out the window. I know my worth and I am worth more. I am trying my best to empower my homegirl but sometimes it goes over here head. "Well, Stacy he is so nice to me girl but he only comes over after 11pm" and I have to answer with a shake of my head and a "Girl, I am telling you what I know and been through but if you want to go there- go ahead: Some people just prefer to learn the hard way.

    Good Article!!!

  28. Wow! I have to admit that I am guilty of a few of these things. I had to check myself for allowing some men to deliberately lie to my face about certain situations especially if I caught them in a lie. As people especially women we allow people (men) to get away with murder. Sometimes we are too forgiving for some bad behavior men display.

  29. Ha! Good post today. I copy and pasted it into an email and hit send to my girls.

    I 've been through a few of these. The cry when his not around-I think, wait no…it is just my pride and the way I was raised growing up. I never wanted to show that part of me because I see/saw it as a sign of weakness. I'm a little more sensitive about some things now that I'm getting a bit older BUT not everything. Lol, I'm that friend that's like… are you gonna cry!? Righttt after I here a sob story that's not worthy of a sob (to me).

    The-Have you ever had a man lie straight to your face, but you didn’t call him on it?  I've been battling this recently. In the case were I catch a PSO lying about several things I keep it to myself and slowly start pushing the idea of PSO outta my head. Ill let him rack up all the different lies and stories and one day out of the blue (FINISH HIM) pops in my head and I ask all my follow up questions and watch him stumble over his stupid stories. Then the yeaaa you aint slick comes out. The end. I haven't been this person for some time now. I address the issue right away and move on. If they get a second chance to make amends and they blow it AGAIN shortly after…NEXTTTT. Cut at the throat.


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