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Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace

69

**The following conversation takes place between 3:45 and 3:49**

Elliot: Honey, can you pass me a beer?

Mercedes: Why don’t you get one of them b*tches to get you a beer…

Elliot: Wha…what are you talkin’ about?

Mercedes: Them b*tches that you had all up on you @ Joe’s BBQ gettin’ you beers…I saw all that…

Elliot: They were sitting right next to the cooler…and that was a whole month ago!

Mercedes: Well we need to talk about your little flirting habit anyway…

**cue “The Talk”**

or

Daisuke: Baby, is something wrong?

Shaniqua: Nope…I’m fine.

Daisuke: You don’t look fine.

Shaniqua: I’m fine.

3 weeks and 1 day later:

Daisuke: ::thinking:: Got the day off…perfect time to catch up on True Blood.

Shaniqua: Umm…why did Julie say she was gonna “See you later” the other day?  Y’all still f*ckin?

Daisuke: You can’t possibly be serious.  That was 3 weeks ago.  Are you on your period?

Shaniqua: Here we go…I can’t stand your ass…

**cue argument**

Man…if I head a dollar for everytime a man has had that conversation with a woman, I’d kill myself if I woke up one day with Bill Gates’ money.  True story.

I’m not pickin’ on the ladies today, I know these conversations can happen both ways, but it’s just easier to frame it from a male point of view because y’all are all f*ckin nuts anyway I’m a guy. (Isn’t that the point of the blog, Capt. Obvious?) Far too often in relationships, sh*t happens during the course of said relationship that aren’t addressed in a timely fashion and by the time they are addressed, it seems to be a moot point.  Whether it be your SO’s tendency to be a bit friendly when you guys are out or the fact they hurt your feelings when they {insert insensitive thing SO’s do to one another}, you can’t let too much time pass before addressing it.   I understand that sometimes you may not feel like addressing a situation right away, or the right time does not immediately present itself, but there needs to be a universal statute of limitations on grievances.

See Also:  How Singles Cope Without Cupid on Valentine's Day

Even if you were right, you may just have to let it go after sitting on it for 10 months.  Besides the fact that it’s unfair to blindside someone months later,  if it takes you several months or possibly years to get comfortable enough to talk to your SO about a perceived slight, you shouldn’t be in that relationship or you’re just f*ckin’ crazy.  More often than not, when you wait around to express yourself, emotions begin to snowball and what could have been a 10 minute discussion turns into an hour long argument or possibly worse.

Similarly, if there is a single incident occurs and is already dealt with, there is no need to bring it up in future conversations and/or arguments for whatever reason.   You can’t use something you claimed to have gotten over as leverage in future conversations, because that’s a sure sign that you aren’t over it.  Moving on means just that: move on.    Come to think about it, if you guys are arguing that much, you probably shouldn’t be together in the first place.

In summation: take a sh*t, or get off the pot. Even the government forgets about certain crimes after a while.  Let.it.go.

Has this ever happened to anyone?  Did you smack the person into the wall for bringing up some old sh*t?  Any theories as to why people do this?

See Also:  I hate popups!

Vote for us or die,

…you can go back to watching the World Cup now…

Comment(69)

  1. I've NEVER done this or dealt with a man that has. It would irritate the ish outta me. I did used to be married to a dweller though, just as irritating.

  2. Good post. I recall having this happen to me and vice versa. Time is of the essence and it's extremely frustrating when it occurs months after the alleged incident. Sometimes we can be some egotistical beings-in that we like to believe that we have Never caused harm, pain or confusion to others yet when it happens to you..the whole town is laughing. Selective memory and perhaps a severe case of shock of discovering someone beat you to the punch.

  3. (reason we broke up #1)

    my ex was GREAT for this.. it would be months later and something trivial would spark my behavior at the church picnic.. or some ish like that.. meanwhile i'm lookin at him like "Is you sick!? -_O"

    i had to instate a rule "if you don't talk about it when it happens, you forfeit the right to bring it up later.."

    not only that, but he was the one to toss up things from years before (that we dealt with in couseling).. and i'm like "i thought we talked about that.."

    when you let time pass, then we have to evaluate tone and intention.. and usually everyone remembers the story a different way..

    i ain't got time for that..

    #IGiveYouFree.. Amistad

    Great Post…

      1. thank you.. it's Nariko from Heavenly Sword..

        i wanted to be her for Halloween.. but decided against it cuz her assy is all out.. and i don't give shows like that…

        For free…..

        Anymore….

        1. I've only played a few times, but that reminds me of the game I want to play next (after I restart and finish God of War, of course).

  4. Ah yes… I've been there… guilty as charged… but then had it done to me and was like o_0 the hell?! so, I improved myself… change is good #threewaystotakeit

    Real good post 😉

  5. This is definitely something that needs to be implemented by both members of the relationship. In general, if you're angry/annoyed/urked about something and don't let your SO know how you feel, then what are you doing in that relationship? You can't blame the other person for not reading your mind and they can't change if you don't let them know what's bothering you.

    The only exception to hold onto something that's bothering you would be if you celebrate Festivus #AiringofGrievances

  6. I hate when people bring up old sh!t in an argument. It annoys me to noooooooo end. Especially when it's already been discussed and squashed it's never mentioned it before, or it's totally unrelated to the matter at hand. I know some men and women that love to do this and all I can do is SMH. Whenever my friends do this and then come back to me to tell me how their SO is "acting funny," I try to show them that they made the wrong move (either by being really quiet or saying "WTF? that was dumb" lol).

    I agree that there should be a statute of limitations on certain things. Or atleast a "you can only bring this up X times" clause, lol. Because, seriously, if the issue that you continue to bring up is THAT serious, then why are you with that person? If you can't get over it, how do you expect to progress the relationship.

    Offtopic: This post also brought up one of my other petpeeves in the first example. I hate irrational behavior, like getting mad at your boothang b/c of something somebody else does ("why was that girl looking at you like that? you f^ckin her?") or b/c of simple everyday interaction w/ people ("why you acting all friendly? what's all the smiling about?"). Why do people do this? Why are you sitting back and concocting backstories to simple things? Insecurity is so unattractive. This will turn me off from a guy in a heartbeat. Some people feel empowered by jealous SOs but I do not. Especially when it's a regular occurrence.

  7. I'm guilty of this. The main reason is that I'm always afraid that I'm overreacting to stuff. So maybe I'm upset about the way that something went down, but then I tell myself, "Oh, you're being too sensitive, reading into it, he didn't mean it like that, yadda yadda yadda." So I let it go and get over it. Then, later on, when the same thing happens again or something very similar, I know that I'm not being too sensitive, reading into it, etc. So now the issue is more about something he has a habit of doing and I have to bring up old ish in order to show that I'm not really upset about a one time occurrence, but about the trend.

    Similarly, if there is a single incident occurs and is already dealt with, there is no need to bring it up in future conversations and/or arguments for whatever reason. <— but at the same time, you can't apologize for doing some ish and then turn around and do the same thing over again. If you apologize and then do the same thing again, then obviously it wasn't "dealt with" and now I gotta bring it up again.

    Maybe I should just be by myself. Sigh.

    Also,

    1. "So now the issue is more about something he has a habit of doing and I have to bring up old ish in order to show that I’m not really upset about a one time occurrence, but about the trend."

      I understand your logic here, but it's what I like to call "female logic". Female logic is stuff that sounds logical when you think it, but doesn't really hold up when spoken out loud. Firstly, the only way you can build a sustainable relationship is by establishing, early, what is and isn't acceptable for both of you. By letting him build up to the point of a "habit", you're aiding the habit. Secondly, when do you think it's gonna be easer to get him to stop said habit… after he's done it once, or, after the 10th time?

      Now, if you tell him two or 3 times, and he keeps going… you have a fundamental problem.

      1. Most, you and I are here *does the pointing at eye thingy* on your post. However, the use of the saying "women's logic" just irks me. I just never got how a) we're all grouped as a gender as having the same logic b) if each gender has a different set of logic, how is it that it's not the men's logic that's faulty?

        Also, what would be your suggestion to do once this issue pops up for the third or fourth time?

        1. Well, logic is really just the surface of the difference. Really, it all boils down to motivation. What motivates men and women are usually different. Women are motivated by emotion – how they feel. Men are usually motivated by logic and reason – or – what actually is. When men and women argue – usually – the woman will start her argument with "I just feel like…". It's because they've been thinking through whatever they're feeling in their head. Then, they say it… and the man is like… "yeah but, regardless of how you feel 2+2=4… there's no way around that". Then the woman says something to the effect of "yeah but, I feel like, sometimes, 2+2=3" Now, neither is right, because, often times, how one feels can alter what really is – as men – we often disregard this powerful characteristic of emotion. By the same token, emotions, when not controlled, can lead to all sorts of not good stuff. Ultimately, the man and woman just have to balance each other.

          As for your second question, about the 3rd or 4th time something comes up, the secret to getting your S/O to change undesirable aspects of themselves is this: First, be wise about the things you bring up. Bring up only the stuff that you feel will make him a better person. If you have issues with their personality, find a new S/O. They were who they were before they got here. Who are you to change them. Now, the stuff that you do deem worthy of changing bring those things up when you're not arguing. Don't wait till they do whatever it is that annoys you. All serious relationships should have monthly "how am I doing" conversations. The focus of those conversations, from both ends, should be, "what can I do to make you happier". That's what both people should be 100% focused on. And if you have those conversations over a nice meal, that you're both enjoying, both parties will be alot more receptive.

        2. I envy your marriage. #justsayin

          Also, that could have easily been three separate comments.

  8. Nice post. Since I've only had one 'grown-up' relationship, & your mans (DC slang for my man, lol) was a TALKER, I'm gon hafta take a backseat on this one. I mean he aint eeeeeeeem let nuffin slide that he was uncomfy with. Once I walked in a room full of mutual friends ( — mind you we were at my place & we'd spent the day together), didn't acknowledge his presence and starting talking to a GF. He felt slighted. So after the event was over, we spent the entire night talmbout his feelings.

  9. Well i guess im quasi guilty of this but dig my reasoning….there is a time and place to discuss anything for example if you do something in front of your family members to piss me off of course im gonna wait till later to address it becuase it would run the whole day for both parties. Or sometimes I think its wise to remove yourself from the situation really assess your feelings and determine if this is something even worth addressing or simply to wait till you are able to express your feelings in a constructive manner. Much to often people not wanting to hold anything in blurt out every little thing that bothers them….and truth be told those people get marked as complainers (for men) and naggers (for women).That is all

    1. uh uh!!

      I got caught with this BS last year… i was in Maryland with a friend and we were out.. he waited the WHOLE DAY and then caught me with evrything i did wrong on the car ride home..

      "so, you saw something you didn't like.. didn't address it and let me think everything was alright.. while you just stayed quiet? you could've told me and the day could've been salvaged"

      that was the worse car ride in the history of car rides… and dude wasn't even my man..

      like FOR REAL!?

      we can both argue different sides of this argument…

      *on the bright side, he gave me something good to blog about.. so i guess i should thank him..*

      1. Well which would have been worse a bad car ride or entire bad day? He was at least trying to let you enjoy the day

        1. no sweetie..

          i would not have minded if he pulled me aside.. i would've corrected my behaviour and we could've salvaged it..

          if something i was doing offended him, why wouldn't he address it..

          mind you, the talkin didn't end when the car ride was done.. it went into the night… wee hours!

          if we're sitting at dinner and everytime my mom says something i pinch you.. are you REALLY gonna wait til i break skin to tell me that you have a problem with it??

          (you get my point.. tho the parallel was a little off..)

  10. if i have a problem or if i feel slighted i usually keep to myself for a while. a while being a couple of hours or the next day. by then i've gathered my thoughts and i'm ready to present my argument. i try my hardest not to let emotions get in the way of my argument. read: logic.

    now on the other hand i have been blind sided before by some ish that supposedly occurred months in the past. all she got was the side eye and told to get over it. if it takes you that long and if you are holding on to it like that, all that's going to happen is the build up of resentment. that's what i don't have time for .

    "if there is a single incident occurs and is already dealt with, there is no need to bring it up in future conversations and/or arguments for whatever reason. "

    this is what i really don't understand. if i come to you with a problem, we talk and work it out then i'm damn sure not going to bring it up again unless similar behaviors occur. on the other hand don't bring up old ish that happened for no reason and has nothing to do with the current argument. quickest way for me walk away mid sentence or go on about my business until you are ready to have a conversation about something relevant.

  11. I don't do talks…. I know I am a good boyfriend and I know I am slinging good D. As a result I take certain liberties in my relationship. You could say my fault is knowing I have room for faults.

    So whenever wifey, who talkins about feelings for a living so there is no escaping her bloodlush for emo, corners me and starts with the 'we need to talk' I start the "I'm a grown ass man. The only thing I need to do is stay black and die." I am not going to say talking is overrated, but its not the cure for everything. Esp when you are dealing with an irrational person (read women). Some times people need to some personal growth and me talking to them isn't going to help.

    I will say.. I do get mad @ my SO when she 'forgets' to introduce me to co-workers or anything when we are out. I'm pretty easy going but that really irks me, its beyond rude. On top of it being a clear sign your parents didn't raise you right, it makes your SO look small. I usually don't wait to say something about it, but at the same time you don't want to blow up your lovers spot like that infront of someone else.

  12. I have the memory of an elephant (long term that is, my short term is trash). but yeah I agree with you. this touches on Dr. J's post yesterday about saying what you gotta say right then. I've been guilty of this, but really the only need to bring up old ish is if you are using it as evidence of a pattern. then yes…I gotta mention exhibits a, b, and c. sure do.

  13. I dont entertain arguments that concern issues past a certain time period. Once you exceed the statute of limitations, either you get over it or get over me. Im about the grown folx biz nowadays.I only bring up old shyt as examples… not as the ORIGINAL problem!

  14. I'm guilty. But it was just once! I promise. I learned to bring it up as soon as I'm feeling it. And if it wasn't that big of a deal, I let it rock. Let it goooo. But when I see my friends bring up old sh*t, it makes me wanna backhand them. I don't get it. I let it go. I'm living. Where were you when I decided to keep it moving?

    Oh and excuse me if this comes out as a "Duh!" moment, but did you realize that the time it takes to stress them over something that happened X (insert measure of time) ago, you're stressing yourself out MORE than them? #sukishrug Call it a lightbulb moment for me. I realized that about the 2nd, 3rd or 6th time I quickly brought it to his attention. The time it took me to realize "Ohh that sh*t will NOT fly!", I could have been brainstorming our next s*xcapade & how he was going to rock my world and how I'd give him butterflies…inside, inside, and I.. (RIP MJ)

    But anyway, it's too stressful. I'd rather be a [email protected] with cute comebacks about these kinda situations than a naggin @ss that everyone wants to kill.

    *skips along* Nice post Mr. Steele!! (and why aren't you on Twitter?? #whaleface –> -__________-

        1. Please stop. Lmao I'm having a fit over here. Coughing. Not. Attractive. lmaoooo But Sir Steele, your fans need you. 🙂

        2. Do they now?

          Well let's see….70 more comments and 7 more RT's of this post and I'll sign up. Real pic and all. (I've been playing Texas Hold 'Em on the crackberry. Go big or go home.)

          Any takers?

        3. I loves a challenge. I accept.

          Now all I need to do is figure out how to RT this post. #twittahnewbie

      1. I told you that you were awesome right? Lol and Steele, this is a comment. 🙂 I can't deal with things being brought up from the past. I mean, I did it to this girl cuz she peed in her seat and MARINATED in it. But that's besides the point. Next time, don't tag yourself in a FB class pic from 5th grade. That memory was triggered…

        lol

  15. "Ok…can you at least pretend to comment on the post itself? We pride ourselves here on actually having people comment on the post."

    It's just a little hard having not ever been in a situation like this. But, I will definitely do my best.

    I also want to point out the craziness of that first example. Why aren't we discussing why Mercedes is going off about something another person did?

    *This would be a great time for all the lurkers to come out and say something, I have a goal to reach here.

      1. 1. Ionno even know what these votes you're talking about are.

        2. Once you throw out the challenge and it is accepted (see above), the rules cannot be changed. I wouldn't argue this point if I were you because you'd just add to my comment count.

        I need to get you at 10 total retweets and 101 comments.

        1. iCant. I'm so mad at you for comment on this comment on 3 Ways. It did come to me what votes you were talking about, but nobody answered on if I can revote using the same email address. I've already used all of my personal addresses and work.

          You still can't change the rules after the fact. That gets you a Yellow Card.

        2. You don't get to started adding all these rules after the fact, some would call that cheatin. #justsayin. My day isn't even halfway over, so you especially can't call it on EST time. I reject this challenge based on your cheating. *sticks tongue out*

        3. Lol I swear you were commenting to yourself Sane. But I respect anyone that can talk to themselves in a public blog. You get a Suki Stamp of Approval. 🙂

        4. While I talk to myself all the time, I wouldn't do it in a comments section online. This suckah was tryin not to up my comment count and was commenting on Three Ways. I just responded on here. His side of it looks just as silly, I'm sure.

          BTW, I am still doing this challenge according to the original requirements.

        5. I meant sucka as a term of affection in this case. It's my competitive nature, so yes, I am silly. #itsallinloveandboredom

        6. I'm going to continue pushing to meet the original challenge and expect you to #dotherightthing #guilttrip

          *looks for fair and impartial judge to overrule this nonsense*

  16. There are only two times I'll hold water in my mouth and spit it out later: if we're in mixed company and I don't want to make a scene – in which case you will be able to look at my face and know you're in sh*t I'm upset about something so there will be no surprise later. Or if I'm not sure I have a legitimate beef; in which case I will consult a panel of experts and come back to you later.

    If I haven't brought it up within 24 hours I'm swallowing it for life; although I might use it as mental ammunition to wipe your throat down the road.

  17. I've never been one to bring up things a month or more after it has happened. I may wait a few hours or at least a day to reflect on the incident, and clear my head of all emotional ish. Usually, if I wait a day, I realize it wasn't that egregious of an offense. If it is something that irks me, then I will bring it up privately. Never ever check your (wo)man in front of other people.

    1. Lurkers are welcome. I have a lurking friend who actually stumbled upon sbm.org before I did and she's YET to comment! >_< Mimz, if you see this, you better stop lurking and get your yamz on this site!

      And I saw his side on three ways lol this has made my Friday move from a 3 to a 7. You guys rock.

  18. I do the ‘stay bone silent’ thing cos most times i'm also using a lot of my energy to stay dead calm and not jump up and kill anyone…I don’t do the ‘potty loud mouth’ fights tho…dont do the ‘3 months grudges’ either… it's not a good idea for me to sound off during an argument…maybe it's cos my mother has a mouth on her…she doesn’t cuss but she's VERY blunt with the truth… plus in an argument she has a knack bringing up the past and using it to make people feel small and stupid (a curse she passed on to me)…

    So yeah… I’d normally throw him a side eye, comment on it that it's not right and then park it; albeit begrudgingly… #IForgetNothing #AlsoMyCurse …

  19. Alright RCLS, I sadly admit defeat. It's almost the end of the day, and I'm kinda bored with the lack of comments, so I'm calling it early (since I ignored your deadline). For the record, I would have kicked this challenge's ass if I was able to more freely comment about random ish.

    Oh, and I didn't mean the SuperBowl>>>World Cup comment. I have no preference really, just trying to stir things up. I failed.

  20. I think it's hard NOT to bring up "old" things if the person keeps doing them. I think this stems from a personality quirks that SOs don't really want to change.

    Most arguments are the results of repetitive behavior.

  21. I have this problem all the time because I'm in a long distance relationship… I am always trying to balance a) deciding what issues are appropriate to discuss over the phone or in person and b) not wanting to ruin the little time we do have when we finally get to see each other with gripes from before or things that are irritating me during our face to face time…..

    In the end, I almost always let something build up so that I do end up having a conversation on the phone, better had in person, and blowing up while we are visiting… sigh…

  22. I used to engage in this type of behavior. Most of the time it was because he did something ELSE to trigger my memory of the previous said offense. *snicker* I think it was because deep down inside I just didn't want to be with him anymore so I began to nit-pick…ok guilty as charged. When I was really into him I was more willing to forgive and forget.

  23. Acknowledge the good in a person and own up to the mistakes you make towards them. Call there's out, deal with them ASAP, and accept the conclusion of conflict.

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