Home Dating & Relationships Marriage Do you want to get married or do you want to be a husband? (Feat. The Most Interesting Man In The World)

Do you want to get married or do you want to be a husband? (Feat. The Most Interesting Man In The World)

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So many men in life think to themselves that they live to provide for their seed. Whenever you ask a man about his future he always says, “I want to get married when I’m…” What they don’t tell you is, “I want to be a great husband.” Myself, I’ve always wanted to be a great father. I wanted to know that when I chose to have children that my kids became my life and my everything. Despite all of this, I was hit like a ton a bricks when my great friend and line brother once said, “Do you want to get married, or do you want to be a husband? Because the two are very different.”

The short, I think that if more men focused on being husbands and more women focused on being wives maybe the divorce rate wouldn’t be so high. When I thought about marriage, I thought about it from the traditional sense of taking up a wife and building a home. Men are predisposed to build a life that we can place a woman in and make her happy.



I didn’t realize until recently that that wouldn’t be enough for a marriage. I was looking for a possession and not a life partner. Anyone can buy a house, take a wife, and have children, but that’s not going to make your marriage a success. It might soon become unbearable if you realize that the only connection you have to a person is that you are tied by legal documentation and children.

I think that being a husband means so much more, but instead of speculating on it myself, I decided to bring in an expert. Many of you faithful SBM readers can’t help but genuflect when he speaks. He’s not only a client, but he’s the Player President Emeritus. Without further ado, I’ve asked the Most Interesting Man in The World to explain what it means to be a husband.

What’s going on folks? I apologize in advance for the length of this post.

For me, there are two words that describe what it means to be a husband; Selflessness and Leadership.

The first thing one needs to understand to be a successful husband is that once you get married, life is no longer about you. Your life from “I Do” forward, will be dedicated to making sure your marriage is successful. Sometimes this means your wants and desires will have to take a backseat to what is best for your union. This can show itself in minor ways… like… you WANT to wake up early on Saturday morning and play basketball with your boys, but, you also know there’s some stuff round the house that needs fixing and you should probably be heading to the Home Depot on Saturday morning. The harder ones are the choices relating to life planning – we want a child now – but – are we ready to be parents. In most cases – what’s best for your union is usually what’s best for you as well. But the tougher decisions are the ones where, what’s best for your family, is in direct opposition with what will make you happy. In those cases, being a husband means choosing what’s best for your family 10 times out of 10.

Leadership is a touchy subject as far as marriages are concerned. Lots of people think a marriage should be 50/50. The truth is, marriage is not 50/50 and should not be 50/50. One person should be the clear leader of the marriage, and it should be that person’s responsibility to make sure the marriage is successful. In my household, more than 95% of the decisions are made jointly. Sometimes, you’ll even just defer and let her choose. But, there will be times when a husband and wife are at two opposite ends of the spectrum on a decision. It’s in those times that the husband needs to step up and make the decision that’s best for the family.

Now, taking a step back: what does it mean to be a leader. It doesn’t mean you make the most money in the house, and it doesn’t mean you don’t have to clean up after yourself. Being a leader means doing whatever you have to do to make sure your marriage works. It means always being the first to apologize after fight – even if you know you were right. It means being reliable – always doing what you say you’re going to do. Sometimes it means making the tough decision. It means having the confidence to make decisions she disagrees with because you know the decision is not for your benefit, or her benefit but the collective benefit of your family.

Ultimately, being a leader means being a servant. A servant of the union you committed yourself to. A servant to the seeds you plant with every word you utter, and every decision you make.

By the same token, being a leader also means accepting responsibility for all of the failings of your marriage. If you don’t like the way you and your wife are constantly fighting – it’s because you haven’t been leading. If your wife doesn’t seem to trust you, it’s because you haven’t been reliable – you haven’t done the things you’ve told her you’d do. Leading a household is not a glamorous position.

So all of you SBMs reading this have to be wondering: If this is what it takes to be a successful husband, what’s the point? Well brothers, you do it because it completes you as a man, it completes you in a way nothing else can. When you marry a woman – when you promise her, her parents and God that you will be responsible for her for the rest of your life, you become a man. As your marriage progresses, you find yourself growing in ways you never thought possible. You develop wisdom you didn’t know you needed but now realize you’d be lost without. You sleep peacefully knowing that you’re not alone, that, if something painful or tragic happens, you’ll have someone to share that with. You become more disciplined and centered. And your reward comes in the immeasurable sense of pride and accomplishment you feel when you see someone grow, develop and become better because of you.

Dr. J & the Most Interesting’s album is due out in stores Fall 2010. 

Comment(162)

  1. very well said. i agree with everything. when i get married i want my husband to take the lead,not saying that i will be a damsel in distress but lead is what good husbands are supposed to do and that is what i will expect of him.

  2. When I heard Most was guest starring, I had to read right away! This post, in a word: dope.

    Be back in the AM with some insightful chatter.

  3. I love this!

    I think people forget how selfless you must be when you decide to become someone's life partner and/or parent. It's no longer about what's good for you or what you want, it's about what's best for the collective. If you ever say in a relationship or family "I'm going to do what I wanna do" then you're doin't it wrong. There are way too many parents, husbands, and wives out there that can't let go of the "I/me/mine" mentality to the detriment of their families.

    When I read the "leader" portion, it instantly made me think of my parents who will be celebrating 30 years of marriage this weekend. They are both strong and natural born leaders but they know how to come together and make decisions. Still, my father is the leader of my family and head of my household. Though sometimes people confuse being a leader with meaning that your word is law and your will is the way, he is an example that a leader is someone that will do everything he can for his family.

    1. Yep, folks thinking letting your husband be the leader means that you are being submissive, when that is not the case. Like you said it doesn't mean he rules with an iron fist, it means that when there is a rift in decision making he may have to step up and do what he deems best. And there is nothing wrong with that.

      Peace, Love and Chocolate

      Tiffany

      1. Truth is, if you marry the right person, being "submissive" is not a hard pill to swallow. When you're with a like-minded man, he's making the decisions you would've made anyway. This won't be all the time, but in a general sense.

        My parents celebrated 31 years in June and seeing them go through their ups and downs has shown that love and marriage is truly a commitment that you have to DECIDE to continue. Once lust goes away and the arguements start, you have to DECIDE to stick with this person thru the good, the bad, the ugly and the wth? I think many people today just aren't willing to put in that much work to build a life with someone…

  4. Very well stated. Selflessness. Responsibility. At times Making an executive decision to what will be best for the family or your marriage. Loyalty. I also believe both should wear responsibility like a badge of honor when it comes to their marriage. This is what i believe it to be all about. Great post.

  5. Loved this post–thank you! So Mr. Most Interesting Man in The World, do you have a brother or cousin? 😉 LOL.

    1. I actually do have an older brother – who's awesome. I also have a cousin who's just like a brother – born 1 month before me. He's kinda like O-Dog from Menace though.

      Then there's the frat… lol

  6. If there is anything that could ease the pain of being awoken at 4am by a wicked sore throat, it's this post. I loved it.

    Most – you blew my mind with this: "It means always being the first to apologize after fight – even if you know you were right."

    I think a lot of people look at that as caving or backing down out of fear instead of what it is – prioritizing a happy home over being "right".

    I want to write the female version of this….featuring Mrs. Most Interesting Man in the World??

    1. The desire to be "right" is the source of most of the arguments in most relationships. As I've grown more and more with my spouse I've realized – being right is highly overrated. When arguing, as a man it's your job to remind your spouse that it's not a "Me vs. You" thing, it's a "Me and You vs. this issue" sorta thing.

      If you try to always 'win', your marriage will suffer. You'll find yourselves arguing all the time eventually losing sight of what you're arguing about. Those arguments will get nasty and will turn into "who can say the most hurtful thing" contests. Those contests lead to both sides saying things that no amount of apologizing afterward can ever make ok. Now you're both unhappy and wondering where it all went wrong.

      Yeah… being right – totally overrated.

      I'm down to collaborate. Maybe the SBM Admins can figure a way to make this a joint situation.

      1. I vote 'YES'…for whatever that's worth! 🙂

        But I agree, being right is over-rated. Especially when it comes at the expense of the feelings of someone you care about, or ends up damaging a relationship because someone is so hell bent on being right…

      2. "When arguing, as a man it’s your job to remind your spouse that it’s not a “Me vs. You” thing, it’s a “Me and You vs. this issue” sorta thing."

        *waving church fan w/ MLK on the back* PREACH!

      3. "The desire to be “right” is the source of most of the arguments in most relationships. As I’ve grown more and more with my spouse I’ve realized – being right is highly overrated. When arguing, as a man it’s your job to remind your spouse that it’s not a “Me vs. You” thing, it’s a “Me and You vs. this issue” sorta thing"

        My man and I live by this. At the end of the day, we want an issue solved and pitting yourselves against each other is only going to result in hurt feelings, and a still unresolved issue. I can't tell you what this has done for our relationship.

        You are a wise young man TMIMITW and I pray that your marriage will continue to get stronger and stronger and you and your wife will grow together in love from strength to strength. Dr J, thanks for sharing your post day with this man.

    2. You know what's interesting is that while the male perspective on this topic focuses on being a husband (selfless, loving leader) vs. getting married and "gaining a possession"… the female version of this would be do you want to be wife (submissive, supportive strong) vs. getting married and just wanting to have a wedding. I swear some females forget about the commitment that marriage is just b/c they feel it's time for them to put on all white O_o and march down the aisle.

      1. Ain't that the truth. i have been to plenty of weddings where my friend or the soon to be wife was all into the planning and forgot about her role as a wife. She was only interested in being a bride and when the wedding was said and done, there was nothing else. I know about 5-6 marriages that ended after a few months because being a wife or husband was not part of the marriage.

        Peace, Love and Chocolate

        Tiffany

      2. I know for myself right now I just want a wedding…I am absolutely not ready to be a wife. So I'm just gonna have a big birthday party instead LOL

      1. Right! As I've gotten older I've begun paying much more attention to my married friends and colleagues. I ask more questions, especially of older women in marriages. My reality is that I'm not surrounded by tons of married people…family, etc. So I've got to learn somewhere. I am happy to say that many of my friends that are married or getting married are willing to share little tid bits on their success.

        It's all about going after what you want…which is true for much of life. If you don't have all the information…research or seek it out!

        1. Yea, I actively listen and seek out older women's advice among my family and sorority. They have so much to share. I think my generation needs to have a sit-down discussion with the 55+ generation, because they have so much to say and offer.

        2. Very true. I tell my friends all the time that my advice should be looked at with extreme caution as I'm single and not in a committed relationship. I may have the BEST intentions, but lack the appropriate experience to provide the best insight.

  7. Very well said. I think a lot of people, male and female, look at marriage without looking at the husband/dynamics and what those titles mean. We want to get married…that's it. Versus we want to be a husband/wife like you pointed out. I think it takes maturity and self-awareness to really look at and ACCEPT what being either of those titles mean…and actually doing it.

    Selflessness and Leadership!!! Love and agree. I'd also say that women should have the first quality and a willingness to be led. I personally look forward to the day when the world is not resting solely on my shoulders, but that I can share those burdens with a man willing and equipped to carry them. But I've learned (from watching married friends) that his technique may not be the way I'd done it before…but that doesn't matter because before I didn't have him.

    Again, very well said!!! Thanks for dropping us with the knowledge!

    1. "…. I personally look forward to the day when the world is not resting solely on my shoulders, but that I can share those burdens with a man willing and equipped to carry them."

      Co-sign.

  8. Brava!

    I love everything about this post. It's definitely made me think and re-evaluate a marriage in a more enlightened way. Thank you, Dr. J and The Most Interesting, for writing it.

    I only hope that one day, I become able to be led and worthy of such a husband.

    Excellent post, gents.

  9. The world needs more men who think like this and who will translate that thought into their life choices and actions.

  10. First and far most, let's have a moment of silence for such a wonderful post.

    **Silence**

    Great. This post definitely hits home for me, and not because I am married, but because my grandmother and mother consistently talked about the differences of wanting to be married and being married throughout my life. Basically, my family was modernly old-fashion in which being a wife is "taught."

    When I say this to my girlfriends, "Lots of people think a marriage should be 50/50. The truth is, marriage is not 50/50 and should not be 50/50." They laugh at me, and are kind of surprised that a strong-willed person would say such things. But, I don't think I need to expound on these things; you did a great job.

    What I do think is necessary to be said is that EVERYONE needs to read this article. Just as a man need to be the clear leader, women need to allow themselves to be lead. In this day (although I'm a fairly young 21 yr old), the culture does not foster strong women who rule the world yet allow their husbands be leaders in their marriages. If I've learned nothing else from my grandmother and mother about marriage, I've learned that a married woman's goal is to help make her husband's leadership as easy as possible and to activity try to make his vision reality.

    I truly enjoyed this post! Good job 🙂

    1. This is great insight TheWhittiest.You're only 21… wow. You'll be married in 3-5 years if you're not already.

      But yeah, You are lucky to have a mother and grandmother who were able to teach you what it means to be a wife. This is invaluable information. Chances are, the seeds they've sewn in you have built you into the type of woman who will attract the kind of man you desire.

  11. Thank you for this post. As an unmarried man I ALWAYS appreciate the wisdom and experience shared by married folk, whether through their words, actions, or even mistakes.

    "Your life from “I Do” forward, will be dedicated to making sure your marriage is successful." – well said.

    This post essentially speaks about manhood and seems fitting for this blog – lol it is 'singleblackmale' after all. Selflessness and leadership in a man are both needed from a man to make a marriage successful, but I doubt that is enough. Servanthood, reliability, putting the families interest ahead of ones own and the ability to make tough decisions are qualities that are equally needed by both partners. Side note: if we held ourselves to these same values for our communities…but that's another post.

    That is why I believe that good marriages can be 50/50 and that is what I'm looking for. A partner. While I feel I have a good head on my shoulders, I realize that on some issues my future wife might have more insight than me in some areas (I do love wise, intelligent women). And as far as disagreements go that's where the art of compromise comes in. As long as both partners are 100% concerned for the family I don't see how they can go wrong – in fact – I think they'll be better for it. Two minds are better than one in my opinion, even for tough decisions. If I had to give a percentage breakdown I'd actually say it should be 100/100.

    That's all for now. Here's a poem that was on my parents wall growing up that sums up my sentiment (they too are enjoying 30+ years of marriage and I'm so blessed for it). Admittedly it speaks about friendship but I feel that it also speaks to partnership.

    "Don't walk behind my, I may not lead.

    Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.

    Just walk beside me and be my friend."

    ~Albert Camus

    1. I appreciate the response homey. I hear where you're coming from with the 100/100 but, sometimes, it just aint gon be that that way. Like I said, 95, maybe even 99% of the decisions in your marriage you can make jointly. But, there are some decisions, where it's either one way, or the other and your wife is thinking one way, and you're thinking the other. There's no room for compromise – a choice has to be made. How you handle these decisions can determine the success or failure of your marriage. Chances are – she's hoping you'll make the decision.

      1. Yes, there will be tough decisions with tough consequences. But I believe that the expectation that the husband leads comes from a worldview in which the man is the leader and as someone else said, that's okay for some people.

        I'm looking for a woman with a similar worldview as my own. My view is that as two grown adults we should be able to find a compromise. We should commit to that. And that's a quality I strive to grow in and that's an essential trait I'm looking for in a woman. And to be clear, compromise doesn't always involve one decision but the choice of many and in that you can often find a middle ground. What I love about the process is that it forces you to communicate with each other, forces you to listen, which help builds the marriage. If the decision is truly about what's best for the family and not what I or she wants, then we should be able to find a middle ground when we get to the heart of the issue.

        There are some dealbreakers – hopefully we've been honest with each other upfront about them before saying "I do." And yes there will be apparent dealbreakers that develop over the marriage because people change over time. But you're committing to the person for who they become for the rest of your life (excluding unhealthy/abusive ish), not just who they are right now.

        I think the leadership model has issues when two people do not share similar worldviews. And people can arrive at differences even when initially they were eye to eye. For example, what happens when two devoted Christians are married but later the husband becomes an athiest or agnostic – not just backslidden – but doesn't believe in Christ at all. It happens. Does the wife still trust the husband's lead? The only way for this marriage to survive is through compromise – which ultimately takes love – the laying down of yourself for the sake of your family.

        1. i agree. 100/100% effort. We arent all perfect, but we can definitely compromise and work things out!

        2. thank you for standing up. 'right' relationship does not require subjugation and control – even 1% of the time. thank you for being clear, articulate and accountable to what it looks like to recognize the humanity and intelligence in women.

  12. Well dayum! This was refreshing to hear. A man, a married man, laying it out from a responsibility standpoint but then adding the rewards? Wow. That's unheard of. You were supposed to put all the emphasis on getting the rewards because you have a p*nis. And you didn't.

  13. This is a great post and speaking as someone that will have been married 18 years come this October, I can also tell you that you can stray from the rules from time to time. People grow and change and sometimes it's not always at the same time or at the same pace.

    A friend once told me, "you can be right, or you can have a relationship, it's up to you." I would say that a successful marriage takes benevolence on both parts, it's not easy, but if you love one another and are committed to it, then you are headed in the right direction.

    1. Congrats on making it 18 years RedLady. I'm going on 4 years in November – hoping that in 2024, I'll be where you are now… lol.

      Side bar – is your 8/21 your birthday? If so – that's interesting. For the first 18 years I've my life, I thought my birthday was 8/21. Turns out – it's 7/21

        1. Without getting too personal, I lost both parents at a young age. Grandmoms and Aunt (who raised me) requested a Birth Certificate. When it came, it said 8/21. So I celebrated that and considered myself a Leo and everything – always the center of attention, always a leader. Caught up with my mom when I was an adult and she told me I was born in July. So – since then I've been a Cancer. All of a sudden I started getting in touch with my emo/sensitive side and all this. Lol.

      1. Happened to my mom too… until she was 18 her birthday was 6/23 after that 6/11. Her name changed too… from Catherine Marie to Mary Marie… lmao. Try getting a passport like that. whomps.

  14. I can't cosign this hard enough. I was telling someone just the other day that its not about matching material things, but matching effort, with one being a clear leader. I can't follow if you can't lead. Great post!

  15. This post was right on target. The sad thing is that most of the time people don't want to take the lead because they do not want to be blamed for the failure in a marriage. Really great post.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate

    Tiffany

  16. Showing this 2 my boyfriend. Great post! I knew you didn't call yourself The Most Interesting Man in the World for nothing! 🙂

  17. Since I was married for about eight years..and in that union bore two wonderful sons…I have some things to say….Everything you said was right on poing except you left out one crucial element…..while you are leading in your marriage you should also be following God..I am not super duper religious..but I am very spiritual and I am a Christian…and one thing I found was lacking in my own marriage was my husbands relationship with God…he wanted to lead but didn't want to follow the one person….GOD…that would have made all the difference….he put on a facade of religious man..but, he was not living it in his heart….he was saying lets get down on our knees and pray….but when he got up he was heading out to meet up with Miss young lady…that was not me……I'm just saying, I was very prayerful at all times..my heart was sincere in my beliefs..my husband not so much….my point being…lead in your marriage while you are also trying to follow God…nobody is perfect but you have to have that spiritual foundation together…because marriage is so hard all by itself..if you can't seek God's face together thru the tough times,,,its probably not going to go well….

    Excellent post my brotha..I just had two add my two and half cents..lol 🙂

    1. I wanted to keep the post secular so that it could apply to all who read, but I hoped someone would bring up faith in the comments. So thanks Queen.

      Yeah, if you're approaching marriage from a biblical perspective – which my wife and I do – then the bible says that women should submit to their husbands AS their husbands submit to God. It says that husbands should not Lord themselves over their wives, but instead be gentle, kind, loving and caring.

      Also, if you study biblical leadership, the best leaders in the bible are always people who served, the worst leaders are always the ones who dictated. That last thing a husband should be is a Pharisee.

      All that said – I appreicate you sharing about your marriage. God don't give you nothing you can't handle so I'm sure theres a great purpose to whatever you've been through – not only so – but we rejoice in our sufferings because suffering produces perserverance, perserverance – character, and charcter hope and hope doesn't dissappoint.

  18. Excellent post.

    "The first thing one needs to understand to be a successful husband is that once you get married, life is no longer about you."

    This is what my best friend, who is married, told me. Once you get married, you have to realize it's not about you.

    "Leadership is a touchy subject as far as marriages are concerned. Lots of people think a marriage should be 50/50. The truth is, marriage is not 50/50 and should not be 50/50."

    This is the truth, and I never understood how women who claim to be Christian turn around and say they have to be the leader of the house or co-leader. It doesn't work well in the corporate world nor in relationships (and from what my married friends say, marriage). Co-leadership robs the company/household of leadership, and therefore direction. Someone has to lead, but it has to be for the benefit of the whole, not himself.

    "Being a leader means doing whatever you have to do to make sure your marriage works. It means always being the first to apologize after fight – even if you know you were right. It means being reliable – always doing what you say you’re going to do. Sometimes it means making the tough decision."

    That pretty much sums up what leadership is. Not simply spouting off orders, but providing direction to those you lead. Not being controlling, but being in control.

    "Ultimately, being a leader means being a servant. A servant of the union you committed yourself to."

    The two terms seem oxymoronic, but I understand what you are saying. Not necessarily that the leader is the servant, but that the leader must take the interests of those he leads over his own desires.

    "By the same token, being a leader also means accepting responsibility for all of the failings of your marriage. If you don’t like the way you and your wife are constantly fighting – it’s because you haven’t been leading. If your wife doesn’t seem to trust you, it’s because you haven’t been reliable – you haven’t done the things you’ve told her you’d do."

    This is gospel here. So many people want leadership and titles, but not the responsibility that goes along with it. Biblically speaking, the man is responsible for the success of the marriage, the wife's only duty is to respond to him in kind.

    1. "Co-leadership robs the company/household of leadership, and therefore direction. Someone has to lead, but it has to be for the benefit of the whole, not himself. "

      Very well said!!!

    2. When I read this post, I was thinking, this could be a sermon. People in general think that things are 50/50. When woman play their role (yes, I am traditional as far as marriage), it's amazing how the flow of a marriage goes. People sometimes cringe when they hear marriage, but my parents had fun (father is deceased). Men are to take the lead, and women are to support. It's exhausting for me, even in relationships, to take the lead. When I started playing my role and allowing a man be a man, I find my dating life increase tremendously.

      Point of the matter is, women think we have to choose between being independent, strong, etc, when in actuality things are a lot simpler. We CAN have our cake and eat it too, we just have to serve him first, and once that's clearly understood, many single or unhappily married women will be happier….

      But all in all, it starts with the man & his leadership. When you have a great husband, being a good wife is enjoyable and a blessing.

      1. "It’s exhausting for me, even in relationships, to take the lead."

        Exactly! I want my man to be the boss, make the decisions, etc. Sure, I'll challenge him on some things because I'm opinionated, but I'd much rather him do the heavy lifting while I sit on the sidelines advising and encouraging.

        This is also why, in the dating world, I get frustrated if the man doesn't take the lead. If it does go further and we've spent the entire relationship with me telling you what to do, don't try to up and change cause we've walked down the aisle. Take the lead from jump.

      2. THIS post entirely.

        "Men are to take the lead, and women are to support. It’s exhausting for me, even in relationships, to take the lead."

        ^^THIS especially.

    3. With the servant/leadership part – I think of it in the sense of managment. The best managers are the ones who manage in a way that everything runs smoothly – but – when it's time to get down and dirty, they're capable of stepping in and doing everything that needs to be done.

      If my wife falls and breaks both her legs and arms (God forbid) I know how to clean the bathroom, change the bed sheets, get all the laundry done, cook all the meals and do all the other stuff that needs to get done every day.

      1. Most: "With the servant/leadership part – I think of it in the sense of managment. The best managers are the ones who manage in a way that everything runs smoothly – but – when it’s time to get down and dirty, they’re capable of stepping in and doing everything that needs to be done."

        I see it from the Christian perspective. Jesus asked who is greater, the person that sits down to eat or the one that serves? He then answered that He is among them as a servant. Jesus was undoubtedly the head of the church, as He instructed, gave direction, and gave correction, stern correction when necessary, yet He said He came to serve us.

        Leadership is a huge responsibility. In Ephesians, even though women are told to submit and that the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, men are instructed to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Jesus loved the church enough to give His life for it. If a man isn't willing to sacrifice all, including his life, for his wife, a woman should give pause whether she wants to enter a marriage with him. So with leadership comes huge responsibility and sacrifice, but many people only want the glory of leadership, not the duty.

  19. IMHO, Best line of the post: "By the same token, being a leader also means accepting responsibility for all of the failings of your marriage." This captures manhood as I've come to know it. Not only should a man be willing to take on the leadership role, but he should also be willing to take responsibilities for whatever his decisions bring him. I think too often there are men who take the leadership w/o the responsibility

  20. The whole last paragraph had me GONE! Especially this, "When you marry a woman – when you promise her, her parents and God that you will be responsible for her for the rest of your life, you become a man."

    That's awesome…you have a twin?? 🙂

    I def think this goes both ways. I think women get caught up in the wedding, but forget that the marriage is what lasts, not that one day. White dress and flowers aside, are you ready to share your life with someone, run every decision by them and let him be head of household? If more people asked these questions, we'd be much better off…

  21. Most/Dr J

    Excellent post. Definitely will spark great discussion and self-reflection on the topic of marriage. Leadership in marriage is a great burden, with great reward.

    Most,

    Your marriage is always an inspiration to the people who know you on the other side of the screen. I say that all the time, but being your "older brother" and a writer here, I must reiterate. Keep doing what you do!

    I wonder if marriages end because people can't bear to ever be totally selfless and still hold on to certain aspects of their "previous life" that doesn't mesh in marriages? That could also be a question directed to bf/gf relationships.

    **respectful bow**

    1. "I wonder if marriages end because people can’t bear to ever be totally selfless and still hold on to certain aspects of their “previous life” that doesn’t mesh in marriages? That could also be a question directed to bf/gf relationships."

      I think that's the crux.

    2. I suppose they do end for that reason. I never really thought about it that way. While I know that I was never perfect in my marriage, I do know that being selfless was not an issue for me. It may seem that I am placing the entire blame of my divorce on my ex, but it's true he clearly wasn't ready to be a husband. I also don't think that my husband or my marriage got a chance to be all he/it could. The moment drugs came into the picture, my marriage and divorce stopped being conventional in every way. In essence, I'm not sure how my marriage would have worked out without all the circumstances that lead up to his using. *shrugs*

  22. This post reminded me why I like being single. 🙂 LOL

    Not hatin on married folks. I agree with what was said. But I enjoy the freedom of single life.

    Is it fair to say one person's selfishness is another person's freedom?

    1. Lemme drop a jewel on you real quick. Freedom is overrated. When I was single – I preferred being single. Now that I'm married – I prefer being married.

      When done properly, getting married is the natural result of allowing a great relationship to reach its full maturity. In that sense, preference has little to do with it.

  23. Great blog and I honestly couldn't agree more with you. Marriage isn't about the word or the fancy and dreamy titles of husband or wife; it's about commitment, communication, and dedication. This is the first blog of yours that I've read, and it definitely won't be the last.

  24. this is an amazing post.

    Interestingly enough it both identifies what I want in my husband and where I need to move towards before I become anyone's wife. I admit that I've taken more than a bit of the leadership role in my previous relationships- although I constantly say that is not what I want. I'm so used to being on my own and making decisions that benefit me that it's taking me a while to learn how to make a decision that's beneficial for the both of us and our relationship (when I was in one). I even wrote a post on my own blog about this being a problem that I needed to get over before I got serious in a relationship.

    There are so many gems in this article that I can't just pick one but I so heartily feel you on the notion that there is a difference between being married and being a spouse.Once again- great post.

  25. Wow! This is an AMAZING post! Simply exceptional. My parents have been married for 35 years this year and many others in my family for 30+, so you to express this so succinctly and honestly in our generation when society wants to you think marriage is about other things, is really amazing. It's very important for both husband and wife to know and play their roles. If everyone does that, the marriage can definitely last and be relatively happy.

    Thanks for this great post and I agree 100%.

  26. Wonderful, wonderful post!!

    We are so inundated with negativity regarding marriage, divorce rates, divorce rates in the black community, equating marriage to death, and so on and so on. It's nice to see a more positive spin on marriage.

    Excellent job, fellas. 🙂

    1. c/s

      this post was a breath of fresh air. especially coming from someone relatively in my age bracket who views (and is experiencing) marriage as something positive.

  27. Wow. This post is amazing and an eye opener. The collaboration was exquisite, should be done again, or Most could get his own day.

    What you described is something I want to have. My parents are going for 28 yrs come October. Mom always taught me how to be a wife in her ways starting with a clean home, a hot meal on the table, presentable to your husband to always be there when he needs you and support him and help him. I love that mom taught me that. Take it, as in every marriage, theres always the ups and downs, but there are few things I wouldn't take as an example from their marriage because I don't see it right, but as them being extremely traditional Mexicans that is a norm for them.

    This post should be read by everyone single, bf/gf status, and married. The insight you give is just undenyably one of the best advice any one could give.

    *sorry bout typos too lazy to get the laptop while still in bed 🙂

  28. this is a great post.now bear with me because i've never been married a day in my life. i'm just speaking from my what i've observed and what i would want.

    i for one look forward to the day when i can make start to build my life with my future wife. you raise some very interesting points as far as what it means to be a husband. i think at this point i'm more ready to be a husband than i am to get married. even more ready than i am to be a father. not that i don't think i wouldn't be a great father but honestly i think that when it comes to marriage from what i've seen most couples tend to sacrifice their marriage for the sake of their children.

    yes once children are introduced into the equation things do change but i for one think the ranking order in a marriage should be God > spouse > children. for instance when i get married i'll be taking family vacations but you better believe my wife and i will be taking our own vacations. marriages need nourishment just like any other relationships. i don't think once you say i do then you should stop trying to woo each other.

    one thing i kind of disagreed with is:

    "Well brothers, you do it because it completes you as a man, it completes you in a way nothing else can."

    maybe because i'm not married i don't understand. perhaps i never will. so if a man never gets married then he's not as much as a man as one who did? the logic just doesn't make sense to me.

    1. "the ranking order in a marriage should be God > spouse > children. for instance when i get married i’ll be taking family vacations but you better believe my wife and i will be taking our own vacations. marriages need nourishment just like any other relationships."

      I've heard this from several married couples. Especially the women…not that men don't care about their children, but mothers tend to dote over their children and can end up neglecting their husband and the relationship that produced them. I think some women see their children as their everything which can lead to them pushing their husbands needs to the side.

      1. I've seen instances of once a wife becomes a mother, she also begans to mother her husband. Essentially treating him like one of the children and not like her husband and the head of her household. Lots of nicpicking, telling him what to do, speaking to him the way you would a child. Is this because of poor leadership in the man? I think it's more of an inability to lead, with a wife who refuses to follow. IDK, I'm not married. Can only testify on what I've seen in my family.

    2. @MadScientist –

      I'm going to tell you something about God, spouse, children… When it's time to send your kids to college, you're going to have a hard time trying to convince spouse that she can't shop at Jimmy Choo anymore. I think it should be God, Children, Spouse until your children become adults.

      I would be inclined to agree that a wife doesn't complete you as a man. But remember God told us to, "not die, but multiply." Maybe that was Bebe… God told us to, "be fruitful and multiply." I would hope that we did that with one woman. And taking God's commandments seriously, you should pick the right woman to multiply with.

      1. I've had the discussion regarding God>Spouse>Children vs. God>Children>Spouse before and I have to say that I agree with Dr. J.

        1. I agree it SHOULD be God>Wife>Children…but, I found it really difficult putting that practice into play…and that is probably where I faltered in my marriage…but the reality is in a marriage w/kids…you really should focus on the spousal relationship and making sure that is solid…and the children will automatically reap the benefits of that relationship…its even in the bible as such…so if God recommends it..it can't be wrong.

        2. I'm not for one second advocating that you should be letting your relationship w/ your spouse suffer. I had the unique experience of being in a number of different family situations growing up, and I've seen firsthand where some people take this quite literally and will put their spouse above the children. I understand what it is meant when someone says that if you keep a strong and happy marital relationship, your children will reap the benefits. I just know that this is not always the case, and even more importantly there are people who take this thought farther than it ever should be taken. I mean, while this is a movie I'm referencing, there are still far too many men and women out there like Precious's parents.

          I just feel that if you choose to bring children into the world, they should be your first priority. Also, I don't believe the Bible should be taken too literally as there are far too many contradictory ideas in there. It is open for some interpretation.

      2. so when it's time for my children to go to college my wife won't have to worry about buying some heels vs. buying textbooks for our children. that's why i'm setting myself up now for my future family to be as comfortable as possible.

        regardless of what anyone says. no one will come before my wife except for God.

      3. @Sane…..I agree, you shouldn't interpret anything too literally including the Bible…

        For me, I found it extremely difficult to not make my kids the number one priority in my marriage..and even now, rarely is anyone or anything going to come before my kids…even my OWN needs take a back seat.

        I do think you have to recognize and remember that before the kids came into the relationship..there was you and your spouse..and just have to constantly work to create a healthy balance when kids come into play…because it is so easy for a wife/mother to get caught up and wrapped around her kids…to the detriment of the marriage and everything else…Healthy Balance is necessary.

    3. "… the ranking order in a marriage should be God > spouse > children. for instance when i get married i’ll be taking family vacations but you better believe my wife and i will be taking our own vacations. marriages need nourishment just like any other relationships. i don’t think once you say i do then you should stop trying to woo each other"

      THIS. My parents, actually my mother, always said that she never put her children (us) first, in the sense that keeping the marriage together came first, THEN us. So I tend to agree…it's been working for them for 35 years #justsayin

    4. wait….

      God gets a pass to the lead spot in everyone's check list?

      I know I'm not the best person to go to on these issues. But honestly I would be pretty ticked off if my SO said this.

      1. yes. in my life and my future wive's life as well. i can speak for her because i'm not going to marry (or seriously date) a woman who's religious beliefs don't align with mine.

  29. Most, I just wanted to pop in and let you know what an excellent post this is and how lucky Mrs. Most is.

    Also, I'm seeing a lot of posters who look new, but I believe most have commented at least once before. So, let me give a collective welcome to those that haven't.

  30. Thanks for your comments, you know when I sat down to write this article, I thought that only Most would be able to set this thing off. I'm glad to say this but I was exactly right, he exceeded my expectations.

    I can't remember who but a woman once told me that the reason why Black women come at Black men the way they do is because they aren't real men. I didn't know how it would be received by the women of SBM for a man to say, "It's my job to lead." But when you see a real Alpha man, women are more than willing to let go and let him lead.

    A few have mentioned that this was a sermon, I think I speak for Most and myself that this could have been revival. We may release the unedited version on our respective blogs on the side. If you didn't catch it, you can follow Most at twitter.com/MrSpradley.

    I'm hoping to get back in the studio with him soon.

  31. This was a great post…

    This part drove it home & just made me go "wow": Ultimately, being a leader means being a servant. A servant of the union you committed yourself to. A servant to the seeds you plant with every word you utter, and every decision you make.

    I hope to one day, find a person that understands that & demonstrates that understanding, just as I will. My parents didn't work out but I'm hoping that my marriage will last till one, or both of us, takes our last breathes.

  32. I tell you guys another thing on a personal level, my parents were married when I was born, split in 89, got back together in 97, and split again in 03 and.. I… think they just got divorced last year. But… they never did not instill in me what it would take to be a successful husband or wife, if not, but for learning from their mistakes.

    I'd be interested to hear thoughts from people on whether they think that it takes having a traditional marriage to learn from to make you a great spouse. I don't think so, but i've always had arguments with men and women that believe, if your parents are divorced you are at a disservice when it comes to having a good marriage.

    1. I think Most is a perfect example of how someone can turn out to be a great man/woman even if they weren't raised in a traditional setting.

    2. I didn't grow up in a traditional marriage home either, so I'd be on the side of no it does not. I have had several positive and negative examples that I think will benefit me in the future.

      This was a great post, I appreciate you and Mr. Spradley for your contributions.

    3. I think it depends on who you are Im going to get a lil personal with this one my parents are married but have been separated for 8yrs almost which is not the bad part. Growing up my dad would hit my mother a combo of drinking and temper. but witnessing something like that made me feel some type of way about my father but he treated me the total opposite like come to my defense before a whoppin and take me places like the planetarium so that left me tore even though I talked to my mom about why you let him hit you I was yung she didnt want to have that convo with me. That let me to figure out the best things I would want and the things I would not tolerate in a relationship.

      But some ppl need some type of example of the male-female dynamic inside the home bad or good to even figure out how to do the right thing in their own relationships I think

    4. I was born from a traditional marriage, and they are still together. However, I would say neither one of them are the picture of a good wife or a good husband. In fact, I would say they are probably better parents than they are husband and wife. If anything, I use their examples as what not to do in my own marriage.

      1. I'm the same way – my parents just celebrated their 36th anniversary and I rate that only because they were committed to staying together and they did despite being all wrong for each other.

        About the only lesson I learned from my parents about marriage is that you shouldn't fight in front of your kids…I wish someone had taught them that….sigh.

      2. i'm not married but my folks have been married for 38 years…

        i cant lie…they've imparted a lot of good principles to their kids…many i treasure (the importance of family, integrity, truth… the meaning of unconditional love etc…) but there are others i dont. Like, the wife role i was schooled with…it was too much of a submissive one for my liking…

        why'd they stay together? cos of love and also cos of tradition…all I’ll say is the latter has been used as an excuse too many times when we've seen some really bad things go down btw them as a married couple…things i dont ever want repeated in my life…

    5. my parents got married about a month before i was born and got divorced in 2001. they definitely set the standard for me of what not to do and how not to act in my future marriage. *shrug*

    6. "if your parents are divorced you are at a disservice when it comes to having a good marriage."

      Yes, I do think people tend to have a head start if they are the product of a healthy marriage but its not guaranteed. My dad grew up without his father but was the most committed and faithful man I've ever met. Everyone has to be honest with themselves about where they need to grow and take steps to make that happen.

      Like others have alluded…no marriage is perfect, ever, so we all have things to learn. I try to learn as much as I can from my parents, my elders, and my peers. Being able to recognize what not to do can be just as useful as knowing what to do as long as you don't carry it around like baggage.

  33. This is beautiful Im def. sharing this wit the peeps on fb.

    But as a newlywed I dont like the focus on the word "Lead" only because I see people envisioning the man pulling the woman down the street because shes not keeping the pace. I actually think that its implied when you speak of marriage. Even before marriage there is a leader of the relationship so to speak. So I dont think ppl should just focus on that word.
    Because I pretty sure people wouldn't stay in a relationship let alone marry someone who's leadership skills or idea of being a leader made them uncomfortable. right?

    With that being said I am 22, been in my relationship for 6yrs, have a 4yr old daughter, and have been married for 3mos today actually. An I feel so optimistic about how our life is going to be together. (srry if I sound distant the hubbies in the Navy) Like I said Im 22 hes 24 so we're young but I do get those feelings like what if it doesnt workout. But then I think He has my total package all the qualities I like in a man personality and physical wise so I have to do my part to uphold my end of the commitment I made on April 8 2010.

    But I cant help but feel like if our marriage was to fall apart both of us would be to blame. I understand where you are coming from the man perspective. but if the marriage fails I think both male and female walk away with guilt or just the sour taste you get when you end a marriage.

    I totally applaud you for being a Stand Up Man not Guy

  34. Aw, lemme find out you done took 'em to chuuch today! Great post, Most. I've never fully articulated the "why" of some of my ways and standards, but they definitely got a little more rigid as I got older and my bs tolerance dropped, lol. And you know what? Many of them had to do with leadership and responsibilty.

    – I don't approach men. My few attempts at "starting things" led to me wearing the pants the entire time we were together. No bueno.

    – If a man asked me out and I accepted. The "yes" turned into a "no" really quickly after the "Uh….I don't know…what do YOU want to do?" convo. Bruh, I'm not planning the date you asked me on, lol.

    – I'm going to respect you. As in, whatever is bothering us will get handled privately. I won't embarass the mess out of you just to prove a point. If you can't do the same…deuces.

    – Liars. nuff said.

    I could go on. It's funny to me how as I got more mature, the less I wanted to buck the system that my parents had put into place and the better the men were who expressed their interest.

    1. – If a man asked me out and I accepted. The “yes” turned into a “no” really quickly after the “Uh….I don’t know…what do YOU want to do?” convo. Bruh, I’m not planning the date you asked me on, lol.

      I c/s the hell out of this comment!!!!

    2. "I could go on. It’s funny to me how as I got more mature, the less I wanted to buck the system that my parents had put into place and the better the men were who expressed their interest"

      I tell you!!! I even asked a few girlfriends to try it…same results as you stated.

  35. Ultimately, being a leader means being a servant. A servant of the union you committed yourself to. A servant to the seeds you plant with every word you utter, and every decision you make.

    By the same token, being a leader also means accepting responsibility for all of the failings of your marriage. If you don’t like the way you and your wife are constantly fighting – it’s because you haven’t been leading. If your wife doesn’t seem to trust you, it’s because you haven’t been reliable – you haven’t done the things you’ve told her you’d do. Leading a household is not a glamorous position.

    ———————————————————————————–

    In church I learnt the phrase ‘if you’re not part of the solution you are part of the problem’. I’d just like to say to ‘most’ that I always appreciate it when you comment here because your words always seem to be clearly thought out, very well reasoned and I find that your advice always deals with the heart of the matter positively. It never makes excuses for failings/ or flawed logic. Most importantly I’ve found you succinctly share your values, sense of responsibility and discipline in a way that I can relate to it. That’s always going to be a major plus in my book.

    I’ve read this article a lot today.

    The wisdom and sentiments imparted here is one that I personally respect and applaud. How you’ve done it just what I’ve come to expect from you.

    Thank you

    p.s

    shout to Dr J for his thoughts on this issue…for sharing this spot with 'most'…you rock too! 🙂

  36. I would be inclined to agree that a wife doesn’t complete you as a man. But remember God told us to, “not die, but multiply.” Maybe that was Bebe… God told us to, “be fruitful and multiply.” I would hope that we did that with one woman. And taking God’s commandments seriously, you should pick the right woman to multiply with

    _____________________________________________

    It's all in how you read it 🙂

    I Corinthians 7:1

    Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.

  37. E='s MC Squared?, Which ='s

    Husband?, Which ='s Leader?, Which ='s A Successful Marriage?, Which ='s Successfully Gaining A Great Wife?, Which ='s Great Children Who Finish College?, & So on …& So on?

    This is all a figment of our cumulative imagination!!

    a. MAN was A MAN…b4…WOMAN (Which maens: From Man!!) even came along. Therefore, and by extension, "marriage never could and never will make you a man"!!

    b. This notion of growing up at the moment one says I DO is probably one of the greatest lies ever perpetrated on men and women alike.

    Marriage is a business, which accumulates assets, the value of which, are held as being "intangibles" (like love, respect, admiration, devotion etc.)…until…enough assets and cash have been built up prior to the soon to appear major arguments or threats of divorce, at which time "miraculously" all of the intangibles turn in to TANGIBLES, the descriptions of which begin with the words…."HALF OF".

    HALF OF…. Your pen-sion!! 🙂

    HALF OF…. Your ass-ets!! 🙂

    HALF OF…. Your salary!! 🙂

    c. Black men die in their 70's…Black women die in their 80's and beyond…Why?…Black men have far more stress, due in large part to the "myth" outlined above!!!… Period!!

    A lot of this stress can be eliminated, if we dispense with these fairy tales!!

    As I've told every woman I've ever dated: Telling me what "we" need to pay is not the same as "me" actually writing the check!!!! 🙂 (see how the myth perpetuates itself?)

    Here is my rules:

    1. Prenup (true love has no problem with this.)

    If I can't get a prenup "This is business..and I'll treat it as such!!!".

    2. Everything dollar wise is at least 50/50.

    If I bring a 100K home/You bring 100k home..this way when you decide to bounce you leave with what you invested. This is fair (according to the courts).

    Otherwise we ain't dating cause you ain't got "yo shiznit" together!!!

    Summary

    If we won't buy a drink for a woman (an earlier blog)…Why are we getting played for houses, vacations, clothes, medical insurance, college tuitions and spousal support??

    Are we still gonna voluntarily continue to hook ourselves with the words "life style to which she has become accustomed"…embedded in the divorce decree?

    It's all principle: Nothing is free with me, buy your own, handle your own…I'll do the same and we'll come together…..And BTW not to worry…IF…you drop children on me & we split up, the kids come with me… I got it…It's in the PRENUP!!!!

    If men don't start looking at marriage as business…men will continue to be suckers!!

    The dowry was paid by the "BRIDES FAMILY" to the future husband in order for him to plant a crop, buy cattle, buy land and build a house.

    When all of this was ready, THEN and only then did he bring her home….however long this took!!

    Try telling your future wife's family to front you 100K…and you'll "be a man" and get everything prepared "before" the wedding!!! Do you hear the laughter??

    Nowadays most women come to the table with nothing but looks… no assets… no college degrees… no nothin!!! (But they'll always insist on seeing what I'm driving [Vette] & where I'm living [House])

    How about this… I'm Batman. She's Robin. When the real living breaks out, she better be able to throw some real punches!!….:-)

    There are very few women fitting this criteria….hence the reason I'm SINGLE and spending my 6 figs+ per year on "U KNO WHO"!!!

    I am not a woman's lottery ticket!!

      1. No fear, 4 fear is an intangible!

        No bitterness, 4 bitterness is an intangible!

        Car Notes are a tangible!

        Shelter is a tangible!

        Food is a tangible!

        I have no use for "intangibles"… "intangibles" don't pay my bills or pay for my lifestyle 🙂

    1. I understand some of your points, as they CAN make sense:

      -MAN was A MAN…b4…WOMAN (Which maens: From Man!!) even came along.

      -Marriage is a business

      -If we won’t buy a drink for a woman (an earlier blog)…Why are we getting played for houses, vacations, clothes, medical insurance, college tuitions and spousal support??

      I think some of your points take the initial point of the post out of context.

      -This notion of growing up at the moment one says I DO is probably one of the greatest lies ever perpetrated on men and women alike.

      I dont think the writer meant that some how you magically become a man just because you say I DO and everything just falls into place. I read it more as that with the understanding of marriage you know what it takes to be the man in that union and you are taking on and honoring that role.

      -Otherwise we ain’t dating cause you ain’t got “yo shiznit” together!!!

      I think that's a very unfair assessment of determining if someone has their "shiznit" together. Yes six figures makes you wealthy, but it doesn't gurantee that you have good credit or that your knowledgable about investments…or have good spending habits for that matter.

      -Nowadays most women come to the table with nothing but looks… no assets… no college degrees… no nothin!!!

      Another unfair assessment…most women? I think it's safe to say you haven't dated most women. I also think it's a fair assumption that you're attracting these women w/ groupie qualities b/c that's what your surrounding yourself with. Of course women with that mindset are only going to look at your ride and your pay stub.

      Your post (especially toward the end) sounds a little salty, as if you had some pretty bad experiences with women.

    2. I actually agree with this post, and I don't really find it bitter at all.

      I think we're too conditioned into thinking that a man's job is to pay for everything. That was quite appropriate in the past seeing as how men did everything in their power to keep women relegated to the home and the kids, while they worked.

      However, that no longer applies today. All too often, people do not take to the time to discuss and define the objectives individually for their marriage, and this is the problem.

      My only gripe with Jay would be over the kids. I don't see why you can't have a joint custody agreement and you split the expensives between your future wife and yourself 50/50.

  38. Well I may as well put the whole thing up. But is it me our did Paul command wives to freak their husbands correctly? 🙂

    1 Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me:

    It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. 3Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment. 7For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that.

  39. My eyes watered instantly after reading this. I can't even properly comment. This was a great post. My face is just O_O. So um, *standing solo ovation* for both of you*

  40. *sigh* WHY can't people accept a great post for what it was? Sheesh. Unhappy bitter people. You gonna be single forever with cats. In a foul house. Good luck. That is all.

    Love always,

    Sue

  41. If I came across this post as a single female, I would totally fall in love with this man.

    I am blessed and fortunate to be married to him! First off, I think it is hilarious that his internet persona is The Most Interesting Man In The World (so fitting). But in all seriousness, I agree 110% with everything stated in this post, and not because he is my husband, but because it is exactly how I would expect a marriage to function in order to be successful. Marriage is completely a learning process, realizing how to make it work, takes time, patience, and selflessness for sure. I do think that every couple functions differently, but the core of it has to be what my husband stated above. If you're not willing to put in the time and effort then expect and plan to stay single. That's just my opinion. Love this.

    As far as children are concerned I agree that the structure has to be God>Spouse>Children. Way too often women neglect their spouses for their children and it completely drives husbands away. God created the union between a man and his wife and the children are just the icing on the cake. That's not to say that you will love your kids any less, it's just the best way to keep the family together the way I believe God intended it to be.

    1. *lights off fireworks*

      It's nice to finally e-meet the other half of what seems to be an ideal marriage. Welcome! I could only hope to one day have what the two of you seem to have. Even though we seem to not be on the same page regarding children, I 100% agree with everything else and respect your opinion. I'd just like to state that my opinion is based on my own experiences as a child, as well as seeing how that idea can go wrong in my surroundings every day.

    2. *rolls out the redcarpet*…thanks for stopping by Mrs Most…it's supercool to hear your thoughts as they really do mirror what Most usually drops on us here…(i've already showered Most with high praise above!)

      1. Thank you all for the love! 🙂 It is a pleasure to e-meet you all. I feel like I've been missing out, I didn't know that this world existed until today. I love the conversation.

        I must say, marriage is definitely hard work, so while what we have is great, we do disagree and argue. That's where the selflessness comes in and also remembering how great it is to go to bed each night knowing that the person laying next to you is on your side for the long haul, even if they are mad at you in the moment.

    3. Welcome Mrs. Most! You're husband creates quite a stir around these parts…much love and respect to you both! 🙂

  42. Ladies,

    Isn't salty an intangible?

    Ok, if that's how you choose to read it!

    I digress:

    At the end of the day, the divorce rate is over 50%.

    I have not dated most women (true…and I'm laughing cause this sounds like what one of my sisters would say), but it goes without saying, with this divorce rate, over 50% of most married men & women are completely fooling themselves as to what marriage really is!! (It's not ME fooling them and the numbers don't lie!!!)

    As for what the author wrote, I respect where he's coming from, but words mean what they mean according to Websters or whatever dictionary you choose…therefore clarity is the writer's responsibility not mine …and he said the part about becoming a man after marriage, not me.

    My point is ..a theory is just a theory and at some point black men (and women) are going to have to look at the hard cold "realities" and stop taking 100% individual responsibility for our relationships based on theory, when at the max we are only one (1) of two (2) people in the relationship.

    All relationships are not meant to work and will not work, regardless of our POSITIVE views of the roles of men and women!!:-) (Oops Intangibles Again)!

    It is what it is!

    No matter where you go, you take you with you!!

    Marriage won't teach you how to fix hot soup and give it to your significant other (tangible)

    Marriage won't fix the fact that a husband (or wife) made a leadership decision which "did not go right" for him or his family (ask those who chose to open businesses that left their families broke and bankcrupt)!

    Through it all, they meant well I'm sure…but..my experience is "most" women find it much easier to have resolve when things are going well (…meaning his plan is working).

    Like one of my homeys says, if you can't hang with me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.

    Unfortunately, over 50% of individuals out here are finding they picked WRONG and based their future on myths!!

    Looking for tangibles, while not eliminating all risks, sure beats the alternatives.

    ….and thanks for your kind replies

    1. Now, if you had just wrote this in the first place! I actually kinda found myself agreeing with a few of your points on THIS post….I get you are just stating the facts..and the reality is..alot of marriages do fail with the best of intentions.

      I don't get the repeated reference to Intangibles and Tangibles because I don't really relate in those terms.

      I think you were just trying to infuse a healthy dose of reality into the conversation. I actually like when people disagree sometimes..it gets the debate juices flowing.

      1. QueenT, SaneN85….. & Others,

        My last post should not have been my first.

        You are correct, I most definitely could have included some hard cold facts to back my points….

        …But when people read what they ALREADY agree with they never look for logic; That someone else sees life as they do is enough!!!

        So to break thru this myopia….I had to get a word in from the opposite point of view!

        Wisdom is always "two-sided".

        I've been on "both" sides of this issue. Sometimes I lead and sometimes I follow.

        All I was saying is "Be Realistic!!"….Culture Theories can hurt as much as help if one "blindly accepts them".

        On the child tip…I have a buddy who got married, got hit for half (ouch) + child support (double ouch)!!

        Now she ROCKS new outfits after every payment!!!

        He can't track how his money is getting to his kids…but…he knows that Channel No. 5 ain't it!! 🙂

        I said "the kids come with me", because I would never allow children to be used as pawns or weapons…..but…they will not go without either!!

        Thanks for the constructive outlooks….and I'll try to add facts in the future!

        1. Very good arguments on both sides Jay brought the realistic and not the idealistic. But I have a question Jay are you married? Not for personal reasons 😉 … just getting a little context to your opinions.

    2. I agree with QueenT, this definitely should have been your first post. 🙂 I also found myself agreeing with a few of your points. I guess it might just be because we're the two here that have actually been married and divorced. LOL

  43. This is such a one size fits all type of outlook, it couldn't possibly work for everyone. A little sad to see so many willing to be led, instead of taking responsibility fot themselves and their spouse. Different areas of expertise will require one or the other of you to take the lead. It's called teamwork, and i definitely think the wife will have to make an executive decision from time to time, and be the leader. But I'll do what's in the best interest of my marriage, and you can do the same.

  44. I stopped reading when the "expert" entered. You were on a really good path; be confident in your perspective, your opinions. It reads like you were thinking out loud and was so different from the beliefs of everyone around you. Stick with it and build on it. Who cares what the "expert" has to say when YOU already have something of importance?

  45. …But I was curious and read it anyway and it was a really good compliment to what you were saying. Your opinion is a teaser, the expert is the substance, but at the end of it you're left wanting more of what YOU have to say.

    If you're still single and playing the field I'd be really shocked. The way you talk is…wise. I wouldn't think some girl you seduced would know what to do with it though, so I'd assume you'd want something more meaningful and would be married to the first sign of something better.

  46. I love this post, and the ensuing discussion. The fact that religion was brought into the matter is key for me, because I intend to base my marriage on religious principles. My husband (should I be so-blessed) will be the head of my household. My mother, bless her heart, will not skip a beat before reminding us that it is and will forever be God>her husband>us. My parents' marriage has provided me with a good working model, and I hope to put what my mom has taught me about being a great wife (and mother) to good use.

    @ Tanya: The fact that the man is the head of the household does not mean that the woman will not be behind certain executive decisions. Though my mother grants my father final word, he seeks her advice 100% of the time, and defers to opinion quite often, especially if she is more knowledgeable in a certain area.

    I need to hit the sheets, so I'll give it a rest for tonight.

  47. I luv the comments that y'all made. I'm a beautiful. Jamaican girl, down to earth and spantainius. I'm seeking a gentle man someone who have good family morials and accept ppl for who they are. Do u know of anyone who would be interested in a relationship?

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