Home Dating & Relationships Relationships Battle of the Sexes: Lies and Deceit

Battle of the Sexes: Lies and Deceit

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Pause.

Men lie. Women lie. Numbers don’t. Unfortunately/fortunately, that’s not the point of today’s post. Miss Jenkins and I actually want to discuss the topic of lying and deceiving others as it relates to each gender. Yes, everyone lies, but we do it for different reasons at varying frequencies about different topics. We got into a heated (not passionate) discussion about the reasons that men and women lie to their significant others. And after a few exchanges, we agreed that the best place to hash this out was in the online arena. So, here we go…

Miss Jenkins: I think lying is wrong. That said, I don’t believe in telling all the truth, all the time. I do believe in the omission of truth or reserving the whole truth for when its necessary or warranted. Here’s why: Telling the truth can be risky depending on what “the truth” is, who you have to tell that truth to and under what circumstances you have to reveal that truth. Sometimes, we truthfully feel a certain way about the boopiece and our relationship–I think he’s acting up, I want out, I feel less attracted to him, etc.  If asked to reveal that truth at that very moment, things could be really bad. So, instead, as I get my mind right, I like to take some heat off that truth until I get it together. Is that really wrong?

Slim Von Truth: I don’t believe that anybody should be answering any questions while they are excessively angry or feeling the effects of one of the dangerous and detrimental emotions. When I feel like being totally and brutally honest, I get away and regroup because I lose my ability to be articulate. Once I’ve gotten my thoughts together, I return and can answer questions. So no Miss Jenkins, that is not wrong and telling “the truth” or even half truths in some cases can be incredibly risky. I also feel that if someone is bold enough to ask a question that they deserve the right to an honest answer and should brace themselves for whatever that may be. And for whatever reason, I think women tend to walk this line of half-truths or outright lies more so than men.

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MJ: Whoa. More so than men? Easy there tiger.  Men lie like persian rugs. They don’t abide by your cardinal rule of telling the truth when a question is asked of them. I have asked questions, been prepared for the straight up honest answers, and have gotten the okie doke because dude didn’t want to deal with whatever the truth would bring their way, i.e. the break up, the argument, the tears, or the oops-upside-they-head. And maybe you are unlike many men out there, but let’s not bend the truth Mr. Jackson.

SVT: Yeah. I’ll bend something alright. Okay, I can admit that you made a good point. But this gets into the issue of why folks lie. Let’s assume that men lie to women for complete self-interest and not because “We just don’t wanna hurt ‘cha.” Women lie to men sometimes for the same reason, but how about all the occasions where yall actively or passively lie and put it on “we don’t wanna hurt y’all fragile ego”? Examples: faking an orgasm, fibbing about your magic number, or saying you never did something in the bedroom before even though you bounced that ass like a basketball and wopped it down like a pro know damn well you done did the hurricane squeeze trick on all your partners. If we had to gall to ask, let us deal with the consequences. After all, everybody (men included) should be accountable for all their actions right?

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MJ: Wrong. Kinda. Let the woman you wifed up tell you that you are not the best she’d ever had. Drake. Or that she has slept with the whole offensive line. I have seen dudes get the stank-sad face when asked if I got the big O and I answered truthfully. I don’t like that look. That “Damn, I can’t find my puppy” look men get. So sue us for not wanting to hurt your ego (read: feelings) when you wanna know if you were the first man we did the ceiling fan thing with. And yeah, I’ll admit that we sometimes want to avoid the judgment. If you know my real numbers, are you gonna think I’m Ms. Loose N. Thang? I don’t mind adjusting the truth there. Then again, is it still a lie if you never find out the truth?

SVT: Is it still a lie if you never find out the truth? No wonder y’all make such excellent liars and deceivers. I’m just sayin’ that if a man is brave enough to ask a question, he deserves an honest answer. And if the answer isn’t quite nice, just word it tactfully. If you asked me how that dress looks on you and I said I never noticed how much your stomach sticks out, you’d have sad eyes too. You also wouldn’t ask my opinion next time. But if I just said I didn’t like that particular dress on you, it means I was honest but tactful and you wouldn’t huff, puff, and blow (not that way) a house down. And if you ask me if I think you eat too much after you went up 4 pant sizes, I’m going to say yes or that you need to go walk around the pond a few times because I don’t want you to think that eating 3 pizzas a week is okay. Same thing…sorta.

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MJ:*Burp* I’m sorry. Did you say something?

SVT: o_O That’s f*ckin gross!

So what do the readers think on this one? Is lying okay? How about half truths? Do you want the honest truth each and every time you ask a question? Do you think one gender is predisposed to lying more so than the other? What else contributes to that? And lastly, what other types of things do people typically lie about? We know. That’s a lot of questions. Say whatever else you like. The End.

Saving Face and Preserving Egos,


&

P.S. Don’t forget to follow Miss Jenkins and Slim on Twitter at @3Ways2Takeit!

Comment(54)

  1. They don’t abide by your cardinal rule of telling the truth when a question is asked of them.

    ^^^^This is SO true! I hate when i ask a question but can't get the answer but lawd, don't let me be asked a question not answer! I seriously feel like doing the holy ghost dance cause of this statement!

    Is lying okay? No but sometimes it is necessary for self preservation (like when you live under your parent's household as a teen & you are close to getting your tail whooped).

    How about half truths? I think they are ok but if you can be completely honest, you should be.

    Do you want the honest truth each and every time you ask a question? It would be nice but i know that is not a reality…as seen in my reaction to what Miss Jenkins said about men lying…

    Do you think one gender is predisposed to lying more so than the other? Um, no…i think that both are equally predisposed to lying.

    What else contributes to that? Experience.

    And lastly, what other types of things do people typically lie about? report cards (i had a childhood moment on that one) or certain test results, conversations, interactions, past experiences, ish like that.

  2. Both of you are right…

    I'm at a point now in my life where I want the truth, even if you think I can't handle it *puase* I can *pause*. Before, I felt like I had the need to lie, now, I word it tactfully, just like how SVT said but it is still the truth.

    I lied back then because I didn't want to be judged for my thoughts, sometimes it was easier, or I was ashamed.

    Now, I tell the truth and I don't give any type of excuse for not to tell it. We're all grown now, we're not in high school any more. You should be able to handle the truth in an adult way and be mature about it, yes it's going to hurt/burn/sting… but that's life.

  3. We're all taught against doing so, but we all participate in lying. However, in a sense of someone having intentions to hurt a loved one…to them i'd probably say, "you have the wrong address." This is a dire situation where this would be understood. Half-truths- If you cant be tactful yet clear and direct in your response to the question and not sound like a walking-talking parable or as if you'd rather break out in song than answer the [email protected] question, we will not have an issue. I think both sexes equally lie about basic (achieved orgasm, number of partners, last time one had sex, you first time EVER _____, or 'this is the first time I have EVER and i promise to never do it again', thoughts of attire, how good it was really, etc.) Still, men hold the crown to lying in regards to cheating. Women cheat as well, but not as much lying about it. Shiiid, if there was a persian rug for every lie men told when asked if they cheated, the owners of Snuggie and Dr. Scholl's would have a hit out for that @zz.

    1. Lying by omission is still lying. So if a woman cheats and never said anything they have lied.

      Also, women live the lie when it comes to cheating men just get caught up in their own lives (usually b/c we were sloppy in creating it to begin with)

    2. Still, men hold the crown to lying in regards to cheating. Women cheat as well, but not as much lying about it. Shiiid, if there was a persian rug for every lie men told when asked if they cheated, the owners of Snuggie and Dr. Scholl’s would have a hit out for that @zz.

      Uummmm I beg the differ on this here.

      Men for the most part are the WORST when it comes to lying about their extra sextivities…. Especially if you KNOW YOUR MAN — then yeah you know ole boy is hiding and lying about something. Women we plan our tactics carefully and thoroughly we NEVER leave out 1 thread ounce of detail cuz we know THAT one loose forgotten thread can [email protected]#K up everything. (house/home life/kids/family members,etc.) That's how far we think and plan ahead before we do our dirt.

  4. Other things people lie about- their interactions with others, finances/status/taxes/credit, vehicles owned, devotion to S.O. and spiritual walk, travels, languages they are fluent in (the alphabet, days of the week and numbers 1-15 don't count as having mastered…*sigh* nevermind), lie to get ahead, etc.

    1. Welcome! Your screen name sounds like a dating website name. LOL

      I'm curious what lies you see in the conversation, I think I missed 'em.

  5. Sometimes folks ask questions knowing damn well they don't want the truth . . . they want to hear what they want to hear. And sometimes you want to say what they want to hear. Call it what you will. Ego stroking. Insecure baiting. Self-esteem boosters. Yadda Yadda Yadda. Sometimes I'm just going to tell you what you want to hear b/c telling the truth won't help the situation. Like the whole "do you like how my butt looks in these jeans?" or anything asked during intimate moments, lol.

    Of course, the telling of untruths and halftruths should be handled on a case by case basis. You've gotta know when and how to employ these things. You've also got to know who you're dealing with. You don't just go lying all willy-nilly. If you hate my butt in these jeans but say you LOVE it, I may drop coins on a few pairs and now you've got to endure my butt looking crazy all the time b/c I think you love my butt in this style, lol. If you say I look good in them but you prefer something else, you've just saved us both some trouble. I already know what you like and you won't have to endure this questioning again. See? A halftruth but a win-win.

  6. in this day and age of political correctness, r&b thugs, simps, and basic b*tches, lying is a must.

    i hate it too, but that's just the way it is. america is too fake to handle the truth. thus, i tell people what they wanna hear and/or what's most convenient for me.

    …but then again, the majority of my time is spent in corporate america and clubs (strip & non-strip), so i'm surrounded by liars 24/7

    i save the truth for twitter and my close circle of friends & family

    1. "…but then again, the majority of my time is spent in corporate america and clubs (strip & non-strip), so i’m surrounded by liars 24/7"

      lmao…surrounded

  7. Slim I think you and Miss Jenkins were arguing the same point. I mean MJ's main principle said that lying isn't okay… except when you have to tell half the truth to avoid catastrophe — and in all honesty (pun), by omitting words she is wording tactfully (minus some expressions) the truth so that someone doesn't get hurt. Your ending thesis, I’m just sayin’ that if a man is brave enough to ask a question, he deserves an honest answer. And if the answer isn’t quite nice, just word it tactfully." Sounds like your on two sides of the same page to me. Lol.

  8. Oh… women are definitely the better liars. Not that this is a title we are proud to have, but it is the truth. We think about things/details that men ignore. I know you and Tyrone only go out Tuesday, Thursday and Sundays b/c that's when Kesha (Tyrone's boobookins) is at home from school. So it's Wednesday night, you come home extra late… and I'm supposed to believe you were out w/ Tyrone at the babershop? Who was watching his kids then? Why you don't have a fresh shape up? Ya'll leave too much up to chance.

    Women don't ignore the small details… And if I tell you I was having a girls day out, not only am I going to call my homie and have an alibi but I'm going to present you with physical proof too — you like my pedicure booski? *smooches*

      1. Not giving him 'tit for tat' just saying… if you gon lie, be complete. I'm not saying the girl should lie b/c her SO was lying… just giving you two separate examples that could exist in two separate relationships.

        I'm honest in my relationships… except I may withhold information if you hurt my feelings or if I suspect you of wrongdoing. I tend not be forward about stuff like that. I'll just get over it or somn.

    1. Women don’t ignore the small details… And if I tell you I was having a girls day out, not only am I going to call my homie and have an alibi but I’m going to present you with physical proof too — you like my pedicure booski? *smooches*

      #Preach#

      WE ALWAYS STAY TEN STEPS AHEAD!!!!

  9. It's a catch-22. If you tell the whole truth there are repercussions…because the man may take you thru the paces because of it..if you don't you get called a liar…I hate liars in general. I really try to be honest at all times..sometimes, I may lie to spare feelings on small issues like sex or things like that. I want to encourage not discourage…but, I find that men lie about big issues. Since men are not typically nurturing they are not really lying to spare feelings they lie to preserve the status-quo alot….and promote their own self interests.

  10. I think we as humans are getting caught up in our ever growing need to have sh!t spelled out for us. We do very well w/ black and white scenarios but suck at the grey (or gray – how do you spell this? and yes, i'm too lazy to google and it doesnt imply that I'm dumb.You're dumb.). The grey represents the unknown and we dont do well there. the case by case basis is exactly that, case by case and we have to evaluate the situation based on the individual fact pattern.

    We can make rules all we want but the facts do matter!

  11. Is lying wrong? I'd say so, I personally don't want to be lied to.

    That being said, I understand the logic (whether or not it's misplaced or not, is debatable) around omitting specific details in certain situations. I think that at times emotions get the best of us, so when asked a questions when were are in an emotional versus rational state most people err ont the side of "sugar coating" or avoiding discussions all together. I also think that some people omit things, because they KNOW the outcome, and that it will not be favorable for THEM. Not the other person involved. So to maintain what they have they chose what to share, and what not to share.

    In a perfect world, people would be able to handle the truth. But in THIS world only some are, and some are not. Let me be clear, by "handle" I mean take it in, digest, and move forward…without holding grudges or anything like that. It doesn't necessarily mean accepting it and being ok with it. That is up to the person. I won't act like I can always do that, I have feelings, and may feel some kind of wat about what I'm being told. But I WANT the truth, how I respond is up to me. I mean I asked for it, right?

    "I’m just sayin’ that if a man is brave enough to ask a question, he deserves an honest answer. And if the answer isn’t quite nice, just word it tactfully."

    The same goes for me.

  12. Ive had the benefit of watching the backlash men and women suffer from because of lies and deception (The Navy really puts you on game if you come in at young age and just listen). And im blessed to have had some beautiful women in my life carve my influence and level of responsibility when it comes to "morally keeping the high ground". I expect the truth because the truth is my moral compass…and truth be told, whats done in dark, or "hid", tends to come to light one day or the other…in which, Im usually upset about you just not being upfront about something i asked you directly about. Women tend to be (in my opnion) emotionally based decision makers, and men (or at least myself) tend to go about it on a "a+b=c" mentality. if im not worried about how the truth may make me feel, then why would u worry about it for me? i dont exist with a false sense of reality, and to me, lies are nothing more than that. yeah, you say stuff with tact, you in some way shield some things because its not even worth the energy to deal with it. but you always keep it 100. I feel that if theres one thing i owe my SO, its honesty. cause id hate to be the dude runnin in circles with something, or thinking one thing and its another. im a big boi, and im smart enough to know that ill never expect anything from you that i wouldnt do for you in return. in todays society, relationships are fragile, no matter what…so this is what it calls for.

    1. "truth be told, whats done in dark, or “hid”, tends to come to light one day or the other…in which, Im usually upset about you just not being upfront about something i asked you directly about."

      ~CHURCH, Tablernacle, and all that. Seriously, I don't know why more people don't get this. Everything comes to light. It may take time, but it happens. 6 degrees of separation is real…in the south I feel like it's really 3 degrees. Either way, the truth will surface and I'll think a lot less of you.

      "im a big boi, and im smart enough to know that ill never expect anything from you that i wouldnt do for you in return. in todays society, relationships are fragile, no matter what…so this is what it calls for."

      Absolutely. I've said it before, people are selfish. It takes an unselfish person to "do unto others"…

  13. Jack Nicholson said it best

    "You can't HANDLE the TRUTH!"

    People want it, btu when they get it, they mad!

    Thats why when people ask me a question and say "be honest" I'll pull no punches!

    1. Is it a bad thing if people get mad at hearing the truth? I mean, everything in life doesn't always go your way. You get bad feedback and whatnot…that doesn't mean you don't need it.

      Now folks can be rude for no reason sometimes while delivering the truth…which is wrong. But just because someone gets mad, or you think they will get mad, doesn't mean they don't/shouldn't hear the truth.

      Not sayin you said that…just askin. Lol.

  14. I think there are certain lies or omissions of truth that is required in a relationship. Even though people claim that they want 100% honesty it is not always the best option.

    For example, I went to lunch with a business associate to discuss business. He made a pass at me in the most inappropriate of ways. I was a little uneasy afterwards and my then live in fiance noticed it and asked what happened. I shared the story with me and he was upset with ME for putting myself in the situation. Ummm, I've known this associate for a year, we've had countless meetings and he was married. Yes I knew that he was attracted to me but I never thought that he would make a pass. My fiance didn't speak to me for 2 days citing what I should have and could have done differently.

    Now if I had just kept this story to myself, cited a long tough day at the office and let it fall off my back, never to do lunch with this man again, I would have had peace in my home…but instead I had to deal with a man who called me naive for 2 days, and quite honestly I think it quietly lingered for longer.

    Anyhow, there are several stories like this where I thought that because I was honest things would be cool, but I've come to realize in my old age of 30, that not all truths need to be shared.

  15. at the end of the day, you get what you put into it. if you build a relationship that has elements of deception…well, it should be no surprise that the demise of your relationship is more a matter of time than anything else. some relationships thrive on not wanting to know the truth….but thats a shell of a situation to be in. i ask straightforward questions because i expect straightforward answers. the truth hurts…INDEED. but if thats the case, what do you think LIES do? do I need to know "EVERYTHING"…well, it depends on what that everything is. I know that if I ask you a question, I expect an answer, regardless of how much it might sting. i can deal with the pain of truth, but damn…"doing me a favor"…sound LAME as HELL. yeah, you word things as best you can to not bruise an ego, you love your SO, but theres a way to convey the message. its called "constructive criticism"…and people have lost sight of that I think. im arrogant as hell, but am able to be politely humbled by my doings in life. i just know when to put my ego aside.

    1. "at the end of the day, you get what you put into it. if you build a relationship that has elements of deception…well, it should be no surprise that the demise of your relationship is more a matter of time than anything else"

      THIS!

  16. "I have asked questions, been prepared for the straight up honest answers, and have gotten the okie doke because dude didn’t want to deal with whatever the truth would bring their way"

    i once wrote about this.. i call the syndrome "little boys in grown men's clothes.."

    most men i've known make grown up decisions.. but when consequences of said actions are being discussed, they want me to put them in the corner with the dunce hat on (little boy punishment).. i'm sorry charlie, you're an adult.. nuttin like dat nuh gwann suh!!

    i had a dude cheat on me.. beg me to take him back, then couldn't deal with why i was having a problem trusting him..

    EXCUSE ME!!

    GTFOHWTBS

  17. I'm gonna keep this short. (hopefully)

    everybody lies. little white lies, omissions, roundabout truths: we all lie.

    women do it better. maybe not as often, but more strategically which could cause more detriment.

    men do it more often. and sloppily. like someone said–women are about the details.

    that is all. having said all that, I still trust people. I still expect the truth, but because I don't put sh*t past anyone, I know I may not always get it. As much as I am a thinker, I'm even moreso a feeler. But I'm strong enough to handle the breaks that comes with it.

    1. "still expect the truth, but because I don’t put sh*t past anyone, I know I may not always get it. As much as I am a thinker, I’m even moreso a feeler. But I’m strong enough to handle the breaks that comes with it."

      #Amen

  18. Lies are hard to deal with whether they come from a man or a woman. Do I believe that we should tell the truth the majority of the time, Yes, but do most people do that no.

    I have made lies by omission because I will try to spare the other persons feelings. Sometimes I have blatently lied to people who I feel should not be asking certain questions or don't deserve the truth to those questions anymore. i.e. ex-boyfriends, who want to know if you are dealing with someone else.

    Now I try to tell the truth most of the time, because as Judge Judy says, if you tell the truth you don't have to remember things you just know.

    What I can't stand is someone who lies to you, when that person has absolutely no reason to lie, i.e, (we are not in a relationship). Esp. when I already know the truth, and bust you in your lie, and you still lie!! HUH?!?!? #WWDDA! .

  19. It's all about having tact, and having class.

    A lot of people don't know how to speak to people, so they say the first thing that comes out of their mouth because it's the truth, and because they are "keeping it real."

    We all lie, tell fibs, little white lies, half truths, etc. However, when asked for the truth, adults should be able to administer the truth in a tactful and classy way that minimizes as much damage as possible. In the same vein, adults should never ask a question for which they are not prepared to hear the answer. Also, if you already know the answer, don't ask the question. Ladies, you know when you gained weight and that dress makes you look like a stuffed sausage. Men, you know she didn't cum because you know you suck in bed, and by suck I mean you are wack as hell, and you are not the best nor biggest she ever had. Stop asking these [email protected] questions. Grow up!!

  20. oh I also think when people say "I hate liars" they mean those bold faced the sky is green when its clearly blue type of liars. The " I don't know no effin Kiana" liars.

    I can't do any of that, because I'm simply not good at it (yes I've tried, smh) and my face reads everything anyhow. it takes up too much effort to keep lies going, anyhow.

    1. That's me right there. I can't even tell little fibs without my gigantic smile popping up. The only lie I've ever gotten away with was the big O lie, and only when it's dark in the room and my face can be turned away.

  21. I love this post…

    We all lie, either outright or by omission. Most of the men I know (note the qualification) lie because they are afraid of the backlash.

    I think men are more prone to lie to women (nah, babe, I don't know her!) than to other men (yea, man, I worked her out every which way but loose…), and women are more prone to lie to other women (i love your hair! ::knowing it's ugly as h*ll::) than to men (go change your shirt, you look crazy!).

    So… I guess we all are prone to lie to women… out of fear of the screaming, crying, threatening phone calls, etc.

  22. Relationship Truth Has Levels:

    Level 1 – "Court Of Law" Whole Truth Nothing But The Truth So Help Me GOD!!!

    This is critical truth, like do you have an STD?, Had an STD?, Want children?, Ever been convicted of a felony? Where were you last night?

    "C.O.L. Q's" honestly will have you S.O.L. when the truth finally emerges (and it won't be nice)!

    Level 2 – "None Of Your Business"

    This is when the question is messed up and impolite on it's face or the timing is just bad…BUT…you don't just want to tell the person straight the H*** Off!!

    Where do you see us in "x" years (asked on the first or second date)?

    Now that we've been out a couple of times; Your place or mine?

    See, sometimes the other person IS actually stupid and full of themselves… In this case a level two is almost required.

    The answers?:

    #1 "I'm thinking about your question!"… (Keep this as you answer until the question ceases to be asked)!!!

    #2. "I'm tired" & "I have a headache" don't work anymore…Try this, "When the time is right "I'd" like "us" to revisit this topic"!

    Works like a charm!!. You have not made "any" promise except to "revisit"…and…revisiting can be done in person, by email, over the phone etc!!!…When you feel like it!

    If course in your mind you know they are "date type" not "s*x type"… but what you don't say won't hurt them.

    Level 3 – Doesn't Matter (The Questioner's Relationship To You Is Not Important!!!) 🙂

    Let's be serious…All questions don't deserve a truthful answer!!!..If the persons feelings are not important to you…Lie Away!!

    It'll hurt nothing!!

    Example: Giving a fake phone number to the Jerk or Jerk-ess in the club, at the bus stop ,etc.

  23. Lying? Terrible. The truth is great. It hurts. It's supposed to. Half truths aren't lies. They're just not complete truths. They're just that: half of the truth. No lies. The other half isn't ALWAYS necessary but it's common courtesy… I guess. But if it means literally killing someone by telling the 137% of the truth, then I guess 66.5% is fine. I'd like the truth all the time. Even if it'd hurt my feelings. People can learn from the truth. I'm always ready to learn and make things better. But if you're trying to be an @sshole about it, I might cut you.

    Women are great liars. #ThatIsAll.

    What do people lie about the most? The majority (which doesn't have to include YOU) lie obvious stuff.

    Guys – S*x. Phallus sizes and sometimes how much money they make.

    Gals – S*x. (same sh!t, different toilet), Lies about themselves, and other irrelevant things that probably wouldn't get them ahead in life anyway.

    I do what I can to be as honest as I can. Call me out on a lie if you catch me. Thanks and good luck.

    An

  24. I beg to differ… With @Mari, we are bred & trained to lie from birth… Only the people that taught didn't say it was lying… It's being polite… nice… Both trait which I find to be borderline detrimental… For the most part outside of family… You should deal with people who give & take honesty (semi-rare people)… In some cases it has to be taught especially in a lying world…

    As far as women are concerned… They are NOT great liars contrary to popular beliefs… Men have impoverish lie detectors, or just simply don't pay attention & women get hubris because of that looked over fact… We haven't trained ourselves to look for details like women have… When you finally do… you can literally see a person's manipulation in REAL TIME…

    I have a rule… Be Honest, Not Stupid… Lie for self-preservation, financial incentives (iffy), and to keep people from hurting themselves…

    Unshakable, uncompromising Honesty in a indifferent tone for all other situations

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