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The Breakup: Family & Friends

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***Admin Note***
SBM is roaming around Europe right now with a backpack and minimal funds. So … don’t get mad if you don’t see me around.  I’m living life n sh*t.
*****************

Ever broke up with someone?



Did you do a good job of merging his/her friends and family with yours?

Did you figure “there is no reason his/her mom and I can’t still hang out from time to time and talk on the phone”?

Did you soon find yourself over their house eating up their chicken, cracking jokes with Mom’s, even though you have been replaced by a new lover?

Are you right there, right now, showing the greatness of “SingleBlackMale.org” to his/her mom and trying to “peep her to the game”?

Is he/she smashing upstairs right now?

Break ups aren’t fun, unless you really really hated that b* and watching her fall apart in front of you made you feel good inside.  Splitting up gifts, shirts, and property is already hard enough.  But what happens when it comes to the friends?  Do they get to choose?  Does everyone leave with who they came in with?  Is it an all out brawl?

Now, if things end smoothly and you and the ex can remain friends, then you can share friends.  This has happened several times to me in the past, and it works.

See Also:  10 Secrets To Showing Him You Love Him

But if she broke a bottle over your head after you said “It’s over”, or he called up your job and told them you’ve been stealing laptops and selling them out the back of CVS … good chance you can’t hang out in the same circles anymore.

Since we here at SingleBlackMale.org love to help the people, I have taken it upon myself to drum up some basic rules when it comes to dividing up the family and friends.

If the person does not like you, you can’t claim them

I don’t care if that has been your friend since the third grade from the first time you picked up their Power Ranger’s pencil that they dropped in math class.  If for whatever reason you two have had a falling out and they no longer like you (even though you still think they are you’re friend), they are a free agent. If they wanna go with the ex … then so be it.

Blood is thicker than p*ssy juice water

Family comes first. If they are your kin, then you get them.  Their are sharing options available, and the first rules trumps here (if they don’t f* with you … they can jump ship) … but how you gonna expect my brother to chill with you and your new man when you cheated on me with him?

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Don’t f* up the money

Business is business at the end of the day. You can’t expect someone to drop their business partner and mess up the money over love n sh*.  Love and heartbreak is good an all … but money makes the world go round.  You might have to limit to just a business relationship, but don’t expect any contracts to be broken because you just couldn’t get over the way he chewed his corn flakes in the morning.

Got no other friends … too bad

I’m sorry, but you do not get sympathy because you were unable to hold onto your own friends or make new ones during the relationship.  Who did you go and complain to when he/she was acting up the whole time?  Who did you have he/sh meet and then critique once they left the room? This is unacceptable and will not help the settlement.

Friend have the ultimate last say

Complain and moan all you want, but at the end of the day it is the actual people who are making the decision. Sure they may have known you first, but they just like her better … your f*’d.

So let these few rules guide your next break up and the division of family and friends.  Anything I missed? Any rules needed to be added? Any that would backfire?

See Also:  What Constant Texting Says About the Quality of Your Relationship

– SBM aka “You know they all love me” aka “What you mean you choosing her Dad?!?!?”

Comment(29)

  1. Wow….this one really touched home. When I was going thru my divorce….my ex's family ran for the hills. Mind you we had dated for 8 yrs before we even married and were married for 8 yrs..so, these people were truly like family. I got along with everyone….my ex left me for his side piece..and I told his family everything (was he going to tell them?) My family of course was told..and they can't stand him until this very day….his family, just went into hiding they didn't call, email or text…lol. I even heard he was bringing the sidepiece down south to reunions (we weren't even divorced yet)Thank Goodness I had my family..so, it didn't really affect me. One person in his family went rogue..and remained my friend..and we are close friends to this day…a cousin of his. She calls, we hang out, she's super cool…..my ex, can't stand the fact that she is my friend..but, he seems to be adjusting as it has been a few yrs now…he may as well get over it.

    It is a little difficult when you have kids…my kids obviously still see his family..once or twice when I had to call his mama's house to speak to my kids…I said my cordial hello's but its awkward. As for friends, what friends we brought into the marriage we left with….

    One thing I learned..blood is truly thicker then water. Family is going to go with family for the most part…its just the way it is….

    Another great one!

  2. Great note!

    I am kinda dealing w/ this now. I have an ex who was knew all my NYC squad before they knew me. But they werent friends, they were just ppl who met in 6th grade. I met my squad in high school. The ex and the current dont get along for reasons that I dont quite understand. Me and my squad have an event and someone keeps inviting the ex, knowing that the current is going to be there. I just dont understand. Its mind boggling in fact. If I'm part of the people throwing the event, why does she get to come and make my current uncomfortable w/ all the stares and shit. I dont get it lol.

    1. it's too connected of a world to expect that you won't see her. Even if she's invited by a friend of a friend of a friend- prepare for the worst. If you're not feeling her and your girl knows you aren't- and you don't acknowledge her outside of a hello then just let her sit and pout and throw a temper tantrum. She'll look foolish.

      1. To see people in the world is one thing, to see people at the BBQ in which my money funded is another thing but its obvious we both know what we're talkin about lol

        1. PEYSO, it sounds like folks want to see some drama so that's why they keep inviting her to places so they can see your and your current's reaction. They are hoping somebody cross the line.

        2. Peyso, here's how they gon come at you, with silly frat fueds trying to distract you…

          You have a weak link in your squad. The first way to figure out who it is to just ask… "who keeps inviting my old thing-thing to our events". If you don't wanna do that, then you gotta flesh em out. To do that, the next time you have an event, you call your ex and personally invite her. Wait a couple days, then, individually call each one of your boys that you're putting the event together with and tell them NOT to invite her. #StayWithMeHere Most of your people won't really care one way or another, because they're loyal to you. One of your peoples will act confused – he'll be confused because he already called your ex to invite her, and she told him you invited her already. And there you have it.

          The key is that you have to invite her first, that'll cause the confusion. Sometimes, the best way to see somebody is to not look at em. If you just call all your boys and tell them don't invite her, then they'll all say "Ok Peyso… No problem" but some how she'll magically appear at the event.

          "…in disguise in the form of a favor – the Barzini meet, watch for the traitor…"

        3. When I responded I wasn't sure who you were talking about but I had an inkling.

          I didn't think it was that bad. But I was mostly elsewhere for most of the time. I will say tho that for you to make this statement you are missing the fact that you probably paid her much more attention than you should have.

          my (mutually loving) 2-cents.

        4. @ Sheila – Naw I dont think that was it

          @ TMIMW – I know who it is. Its a different person every time though. We'll see how the next event goes

          @LMJ – Hard to not pay someone attention who is in your face. That day wasnt the bad day though. There was another BBQ recently that was much worse

  3. I'm all for this. My most recent ex and I didn't really have too many mutual friends (we existed on different continents) but we're close with each others families. I send his parents cards/calls for events and vice versa. He talks to my dad alot for career advice and I talk to his sister just to chat. It works for us.

    Now my other exes…. no bueno. And that's fine with me. I have too many friends now.

  4. If the man or woman did something to a family member; sorry, but we can't be friends. Betraying a family member is like betraying me. Don't expect sympathy or someone to fight your cause.

  5. Here's the thing, depending on how much you let your relationship grow, the relationship takes a life of it's own. Babyface talked about this in his song, And Our Feelings. I also think that 50% of all seperation issues that arise are because people don't know how to break the F. up. They want to remain friends, without spending time apart as individuals and reconnecting as just friends. They want to keep sleeping with each other. They want to extend resources to the person even when their relationship is in limbo.

    She is not slick, she knows exactly why she is asking you to help her move in her new bed.

    As it pertains to my friends, you can keep all the friends of mine you want to keep that are willing to go with you. Eff them and you too.

    As it pertains to my family, my mother is a mentor and advisor to a lot of people, so it doesn't surprise me that my mother is friends with a lot of my exes. My mother keeps those things separate from me too. So I only find out WAY after the fact that my mother got a Christmas card from my ex, or that my mother is editing her grad school essays.

    By the way, my family is the best at doing this; we have a lot of men with children from multiple women. Family functions are interesting…

  6. My last ex and I are really good friends, but when it comes to friends + family there are some pretty clear lines we do not cross.

    We had a lot of mutual friends before we got together and that hasn't changed, but the friends we each brought into our relationship have remained in our respective camps after the fact; no matter how much we all got along when he and I were together.

    As far as family is concerned, I'll put it like this: at his wedding last year I made it a point to say a special goodbye to his family members that I've grown close to. Everyone was like "Oh no Max you're still part of this family of course we'll still see each other!" but I just don't think it's appropriate. His wife is amazingly cool about our friendship, but I just don't see her being all that excited to be sitting across from his ex at a family dinner, and nor should she be.

  7. I dont tell common friends of exes who or what to do. Its on them. Any ex that i have whos friends I met through them that I was cool with then, Im still cordial with now. Im not chatting them up every day or hangin out n sh*, but we cool. Our common friends, they can choose who to be friends with… its on them.

    Just hate those "updates" lol. I separate myself 100% from exes so when ppl feel the need to update me (without acknowledging that I may not care, lol.) its just funny but thats the way the world works.

    1. I don't care for updates. I stopped talking to my exes sister because every conversation she had to talk about her brother. Some friendships have to be let go when you and the ex break up–unless the other person can be your friend without bringing up the ex every 5 minutes.

  8. I've never really had to deal with this. With living away from home most of the time I was with my ex, he never got to know my family and friends too well. I also didn't care much for his. When we split, it was easy.

    Other than that, I've always had really cordial splits, and nothing changed after the fact. My other serious relationship ended and I am still friends with all his family, and he with mine. We have a ton of mutual friends.

    If my e-booship ever ends, can I get QueenT and Max? We can share Dr. Jay and Peyso. That work?

        1. See, just greedy. LOL

          Keeping with the post though (kinda, sorta, not really), SBM can keep Streetz, Slim, and RCLS free and clear and I'll add Nickerz and CHeeKZ to my list.

  9. *claps* for this post…I've been in situations where after I broke up with someone, I had become really close friends with the people they brought into the relationship, and at its end, they went with the ex. It didn't hurt my feelings or anything because I knew that they had come into the relationship with him, so I wasn't surprised that they went with him. Now, as time progressed, we ended up becoming friends again, and we're still friends now. I think the key in any breakup is to realize that your friends are PEOPLE with FREE WILL to do what they want to do. If they want to remain friends with your ex, then let them do it…you never know, you may have been the vessel needed in order to introduce people that were meant to be introduced to one another…

  10. My parents are kinda like that…my dad is friends with a lot of people who used to be friends with my mother and they no longer affiliate themselves with my mom…it kind of sucks for her cause she lost a lot of friends (all females…and some tried to get at him too)…its also sad that i know about that…

  11. Eh, I 'lost' a heap of couples when the ex and I split up, but honestly, I really didn't care for them too toughly anyway. There was one couple that I did genuinely have love for and was worried about losing 'custody' when I called to tell them of the split. To my surprise the husband told me that my ex would regret the breakup and the wife told me that while they knew the ex first and liked him well enough, that they loved me and I was family!!!

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