**** Admin Note ****
While SBM is still running around Europe with a backpack and whatever money he can grab out the ATM … enjoy the continued stylings of Cashmere Jones.
Its summertime and sun dresses and sandals are back in full force. The ladies are sporting the results of that winter workout plan and getting Naughty by Nature before time to pack it back in for the winter. So on that note, Let’s talk about S*X! In the spirit of Drake’s album dropping, with a twist on the joint that put him on the map, I present to you, The Worst I Ever Had.
I had known this young lady for quite some time. She had been trying to get it for a couple years on the FwB tip, but I was young and still “pure” then … but by the last time I was a veteran in the game. Needless to say, this wasn’t a jumpoff situation by any means. I made a trip down south just to chill and kick it with some friends in the area. Still ballin’ like a broke college student, I crashed at her place like always.
We hung around town, ate, drank, and partied like every other time I came to the A. But one night out, I had more than enough Henny in the system. Miss lady took notice, and she made sure that night I took full notice of her. We got it in on the dance floor, but that isht had that Nia Long – Larenz Tate vibe from Love Jones. At that point I didn’t know it was going down, but on the way back to the spot, she makes a pit stop at CVS to scoop the prophylactics to break me off some of that Southern Hospitality.
Yeah … she was focused.
We get to the spot and start going at it on some Knocked Up, tripping over furniture in the house, knockin pictures off the wall type sh*t. Once we got to the bedroom and I wasn’t worried about keeping my balance, I started to realize that this chick was raping my face. I kinda felt like one of the white folks I see who let their dogs lick all over their faces while I stand there shaking my head.
No worries though, that wasn’t about to keep me from doing what we came to do, and before you know it we were bucky nekkit. While I continue enduring my facial rape, I turn the foreplay up a notch teasing, touching and rubbing on her tig’ ol bitties female areas. This stopped her from raping my face momentarily which allowed me to re-orient myself while battling the effects of the henny (which had worked itself deep into my system at this point). Soon she starts flopping around every few seconds or so looking like a fish out of water … LITERALLY! I started to think maybe this was the beginning onset of an Epileptic episode, but I kept on going….I told you the Henny was in the system.
All of a sudden she pops up ready to riiiiiide it, and I’m more than ready for her to hop on and work it out. We all know the #swindle of thinking those who can dance can put it down in the bedroom, but at the time I was still a believer and got my feelings hurt something terrible.
She eased herself onto the ‘apparatus’ like someone who slowly eases into a pool of cold water, and kept doing that slow up and down motion like it was a pogo stick. After 5 minutes of that bs, I flip her over to take the smashery to another level … one that I’d actually enjoy. At that point again she begins raping my face and flopping around like a fish and saying all sorts of lame dirty talk that was making my penis soft like that white chick dancing on the corner on Chapelle Show. By now we’re about a half hour in, my buzz is wearing off and I’m getting tired of this disappointing experience. So, I hit the ‘Wrap it up!’ box on myself. She got hers a couple times, and by 40 minutes in, I chalked it up as a L, faked it (yea it was that bad) and went to sleep. Needless to say, I didn’t thank her then, later, and honestly, I wish I had that 40 minutes of extra sleep back….to this day she has no idea she was THE WORST.
Bad beats! We all have them … right? What was your worst? How do you turn the situation around and turn an L into a win? Are you one of those “If I nut … it was good” folks who never have had bad s*x, yet have left a trail of tears of unsatisfied partners through the years?
Come on folks … we family.
– Mr. Jones