The gentlemen here at SBM pride themselves on being able to give you honest, fresh and in-depth objective analysis and advice on some of life’s more interesting situations. I, on the other hand happen to be a bit more sarcastic and shallow in my advice and analysis of the finer things in life. (Yes, even on the internet, 1 in 5 men you meet are complete jackasses.) Last time I was here I advised gentlemen that can’t get over their ex to move on, but didn’t leave any instructions. My bad. I’ve decided to present you with a short guide of shallow ways to get over her if the 12 steps sh*t isn’t cutting it. This is also a good guide for any guy that’s ever gotten the short end of the stick in a relationship. Also a pretty good guide for assholes that like having a good laugh at someone else’s expense every now and then.
1. F*ck her friend(s)
Chances are, part of the reason you’re newly single is because of sporadic bad advice from her hatin’ ass, habitually single friend or brain trust of single friends. Seems only fair to me now that you’re back on the block, you should slang the wang to said brain trust. The unnecessarily friendly member of the trust should be a winner. Double points earned for a cousin, sister, or Auntie. F*ck like your life depends on it, because you may only get one shot at this, and the last thing you need is for that to backfire. Tread carefully.
2. Cop some new sh*t
F*ck paying the rent or mortgage this month. Who cares if you get kicked out, that place just reminds you of her anyway. Take all that money you saved up for that trip you were going to take her on and buy yourself something completely ridiculous. Get you a pair of them ugly ass Louboutin kicks for men, or a brand new Movado or put a down payment on an overpriced car or condo. Get fancy with it. Spare no expense in procuring the material object that will bring you the most joy and allow you to stunt the hardest. Shopping does soothe the soul.
3. Get Sexy
If you’re not bold enough to fornicate with one of her peoples or too modest to walk around stunting in half your yearly salary, this may be the option for you. Focus all your pent up angst into a dedicated workout regiment that will get you into fighting trim. It’ll definitely make her do a double take the next time she sees you and will go a long way in helping you with option #1. If you’re too lazy to workout, buy smaller shirts…but beware of the slight beergut that everyone can see but you. If you’re already in shape, put a few pounds on. Sounds crazy, but there’s a method to the madness. When she brings it up (cuz you know you’ll be talking to her for another year or so off and on) tell her your new fling has you too wrapped up to make it to the gym.
4. Call one of her parents
Now this will really piss her off. Casually keep in contact with one or both of her parents for as long as it keeps you amused. I give this advice cautiously because there’s a fine line between being a jerk and being a stalker. Make these conversations mostly about you and her parent(s). Avoid bringing her up as long as you can and quickly change the subject if they do bring her up. Two things are going to happen: 1. Her parents won’t stop yapping about how well you’re doing and 2. The silence will be golden when she asks, “Did he ask about me?” I know I inferred last time that helping her mother move boxes post break up to get on her good side is a sucker move, but if you’re truly doing it just to piss her off, it’s perfectly OK. And it’ll also help you make her moms a prospect for option #1. Now that would make a hell of a story.
Try ’em out, then let me know how they work. Email me at [email protected] or hit me on twitter @nevergettinganaccount. Good luck!
I’m like…half serious,