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Now That It’s Over

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The gentlemen here at SBM pride themselves on being able to give you honest, fresh and in-depth objective analysis and advice on some of life’s more interesting situations.  I, on the other hand happen to be a bit more sarcastic and shallow in my advice and analysis of the finer things in life.  (Yes, even on the internet, 1 in 5 men you meet are complete jackasses.)  Last time I was here I advised gentlemen that can’t get over their ex to move on, but didn’t leave any instructions.  My bad.  I’ve decided to present you with a short guide of shallow ways to get over her if the 12 steps sh*t isn’t cutting it.   This is also a good guide for any guy that’s ever gotten the short end of the stick in a relationship.  Also a pretty good guide for assholes that like having a good laugh at someone else’s expense every now and then.

1. F*ck her friend(s)

Chances are, part of the reason you’re newly single is because of sporadic bad advice from her hatin’ ass, habitually single friend or brain trust of single friends.  Seems only fair to me now that you’re back on the block, you should slang the wang to said brain trust.  The unnecessarily friendly member of the trust should be a winner.  Double points earned for a cousin, sister, or Auntie.  F*ck like your life depends on it, because you may only get one shot at this, and the last thing you need is for that to backfire.  Tread carefully.

See Also:  Three Relationship-Starting Tips from a Family Therapist

2. Cop some new sh*t

F*ck paying the rent or mortgage this month.  Who cares if you get kicked out, that place just reminds you of her anyway.  Take all that money you saved up for that trip you were going to take her on and buy yourself something completely ridiculous.   Get you a pair of them ugly ass Louboutin kicks for men, or a brand new Movado or put a down payment on an overpriced car or condo.   Get fancy with it. Spare no expense in procuring the material object that will bring you the most joy and allow you to stunt the hardest. Shopping does soothe the soul.

3. Get Sexy

If you’re not bold enough to fornicate with one of her peoples or too modest to walk around stunting in half your yearly salary, this may be the option for you.  Focus all your pent up angst into a dedicated workout regiment that will get you into fighting trim.  It’ll definitely make her do a double take the next time she sees you and will go a long way in helping you with option #1.  If you’re too lazy to workout, buy smaller shirts…but beware of the slight beergut that everyone can see but you.    If you’re already in shape, put a few pounds on.  Sounds crazy, but there’s a method to the madness.  When she brings it up (cuz you know you’ll be talking to her for another year or so off and on) tell her your new fling has you too wrapped up to make it to the gym.

See Also:  Someone Is Going to Love This Blogger: What's It Like To Date a Blogger?

4. Call one of her parents

Now this will really piss her off.  Casually keep in contact with one or both of her parents for as long as it keeps you amused.  I give this advice cautiously because there’s a fine line between being a jerk and being a stalker.  Make these conversations mostly about you and her parent(s).  Avoid bringing her up as long as you can and quickly change the subject if they do bring her up.  Two things are going to happen: 1. Her parents won’t stop yapping about how well you’re doing and 2. The silence will be golden when she asks, “Did he ask about me?”  I know I inferred last time that helping her mother move boxes post break up to get on her good side is a sucker move, but if you’re truly doing it just to piss her off, it’s perfectly OK.  And it’ll also help you make her moms a prospect for option #1.  Now that would make a hell of a story.

Try ’em out, then let me know how they work.  Email me at [email protected] or hit me on twitter @nevergettinganaccount.  Good luck!

I’m like…half serious,

Comment(39)

  1. Shopping does soothe the soul.

    ^^^#cosign That is the TRUTH! I always feel better after i buy something i REALLY want like a new book or top…the converses i brought in Cali brought me GREAT joy! I'm still excited about them! lol!

    This post was funny…i really have nothing to say about it other than that (though that first method was pretty trife).

  2. Okay, so I died a few times. Besides the entire content of this post, there were the subtle things. Allow me to point em out. Ol' stylin' looking boy.

    1. "And it’ll also help you make her moms a prospect for option #1. Now that would make a hell of a story."

    -Dead WRONG but hilarious all the same

    2. Email me at [email protected] or hit me on twitter @nevergettinganaccount. Good luck!

    -#DoubledOver at your twitter acount. I bet that name exists. [it really doesn't.]

    3. The picture. Enough said.

    Ohh, another way to piss them off. After you've done all four and you "coincidentally" run into her, pretend you didn't recognize her because of some obscene reason (i.e. she put on a lot of weight, got ugly, etc.)

    d^_^b on the post Sir.

  3. @RightCoastLexSteele… This post has some FIRE to it… I am definitely in the "Grown, Mature & Sexy" aisle of the internet…

    @Female Posters… I have more respect & love for all the women who post on this blog… Because they are not controlled by their #p*ssies… You have broken the stereotype (for me) that women can't be rational

    Idk where to go with this one… I was listening to The Herd With Colin Cowherd today (www.Espnradio.com), and he was talking Brett Favre and how he left Green Bay, and he basically said "Everyone has an opening line, but not so much a closing line"… Ending a relationship & post-relationship is where you someone is truly mature, because it's tough…

    That being said…

    "Lois: You know what they say: all's fair in love and war.

    Clark: And what's it gonna be for us Lois? Love or war?"

    In Smallville – Crossfire

  4. @L.Dejean Halleujah…

    Cause hear me out here… I walk the streets of Harlem & other places in NYC, and I see beautiful black women that I would love to devour… But they say something or do something that clues me in that they have a really hard time attracting men… And they don't recognize it… So when I hear from smart, rational, beautiful black women from all over the states… & that woman doesn't have everything she desires… She's closer to happiness & joy than the women I see walking around in NYC…

    You can't have your head on straight & consistently have a miserable life… (#RealTalk)

    #Offtopic I love it when women don't defend other women's bad behavior… Because bad behavior is genderless… Goodnight

    1. Halleujah…

      ^^^One Nation. (Sorry, couldn't help it! lol)

      Unfortunately, I'm in NY & know what you are talkin about. I'm also not one of those women you're seeing cause i'm in Brooklyn & i keep to myself.

      Hopefully, the behaviors that you find less than attractive will cease (but knowing how some people are out here, it probably won't…#deepsigh)!

    1. Yep, this'll light a fire under her/him. It works all the time on soaps. LOL

      Also, welcome. I think. *throws confetti*

  5. I def agree with getting sexy! Let all the negative energy out into your workouts and before you know it BAM! 🙂

    Hooking up with the friends-Not my style but hey, I'm not one to judge. I've known skeezy females like that in the past.

    @RightCoastLexSteele-Does this checklist apply to the ladies as well? Lol.

  6. Lol…when I was younger this is the kind of advice the sadist in me used give to people I didn't like as I smiled sweetly…#ShitStirrer #WoodenSpoon

    Some were crazy enough to take me seriously…and oh boy, was the resulting fallout hilarious to me #YourLife'sMyEntertainment

    I kinda grew out of it…nope…I actually I learnt to bite my lip and keep schtum…too many fragile folks in this world

  7. I'm just going to no-sign this post..I know you're half kidding..but, its a fun way of looking at things….but, I wouldn't suggest doing #4 under any circumstances unless you possibly want to get cussed out….or have the parent's suggest a restraining order…now that would be funny!

    1. #4 is based on the premise that you were cool w/ her parents pre-breakup. If son hasn't met her parents, it would be pretty weird to pick up the phone and say "Hey…I know we never met, but I blew your daughter's back out for about 14 months….need some help w/ your lawn?"

      Just co-sign it. You know this is some funny sh*t.

      1. This reminds me of that broad in "She's Outta My League" that was still living with her ex's parents and everythang.

  8. Bwhahahahahahaha. This post cracked me up from beginning to end. First off all, I could just imagine some simp from your last post being like "Lex told me to break up and get over her but HOW?! How Lex HOW?!" And then the way you started this post w/ the [email protected] apology to him "My bad." Priceless.

    1. Luckily my friends and I have VERY different taste in men. There is only one that I give the *side-eye* b/c given the chance, she just might.

    2. Retail Therapy. The end. After my last relationship I bought my Acura. LOL.

    3. Working on that now… I have a pretty good shape so my getting sexy consists of a more detailed/regular girl treatments: up the hair appointments, adding some sexy to the wardrobe, exfoliating the skin, etc.

    4. No one's met the parents… however there are a few parents that keep in contact w/ me. Although some mom's try to name drop their sons in the conversation, I normally only acknowledge it w/ a "mhm" and keep it moving.

    Lex, I looooooooooove that you can be <del>a5swipe</del> candid on these here innanets. 😉

  9. Man Lex!!! I'm Rolling Son!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Here's Another One To Add: IGNORE EVERYTHING RELATED TO HIM/HER TOTALLY!!!…AND IGNORE HIM/HER IN THE PROCESS!!! ..YEP TOTAL ZERO…NO EMOTION NO CONVERSATION ETC.

    Phone calls, IM's, Facebook Greetings, Emails, …..ignore it all!!! Don't send shi*!! Don't reply to shi*!!! …DON'T DELETE THEM FROM FRIENDS LIST OR NOTHING…DON'T ÍM IN STEALTH OR INVISIBLE MODE!!!

    Believe it or not this works 100% of the time cause somebody in his/her circle is gonna say…"Have you seen/heard from Lex?"…Girl, he must be doing his thang, I knew he was logged in to facebook, I sent him a message and…. NOTHING!!

    Works like a charm!!

    I ignored an ex for two years after she messed up…. bad!!

    Lex…. I went to church with the girl!!! 🙂 I saw her 4 maybe 5 times a week!!! 🙂

    She couldn't take it!!

    Ran to my pops, crying, talking shiznit about how I won't talk to her!!!

    (Da** Right!! Not one word..Not even hello..4 2years)!! 🙂

    My dad came to me, explained what she said (like I didn't know :-))….Then "offered" to pay for the entire date (to a da** expensive restaurant/movie/etc) IF I'd acqui-yes!!!.. I SAID NO!!!

    Payback? Nice! 🙂

    Payback where it cost me nothing but keeping my mouth shut & living as if she didn't even fricking exist? PRICELESS!!! 🙂 🙂

    Now That I've Given The Technique…Let me explain why it works!!!;…

    … Cause women do this to EACH OTHER all the time…and they learned it before pre-school!!!

    They call it "THE NICE NASTY"!!! Code for Female Bullying (without touching yo a**)….. Google "Female Bullying"…it's not our invention son!!! So they can't pin this one on us men!!! Lol

    My technique is called " Nice Nasty With A Twist"!!.. It's proactive, indirect, doesn't waste my time, keeps me positively on my business and cost me nothing!! 🙂

    Don't Doubt!! It works!!!

    1. JAY: Payback where it cost me nothing but keeping my mouth shut & living as if she didn’t even fricking exist? PRICELESS!!!

      This works both ways.. YES INDEED!!!!!

      DISCLAIMER: This technique only works on men who are emotionally clingy, sprung and/or crazy. #thatisall

  10. @GirlSixx…. This technique works on "People" 🙂 If You are a "people", this technique makes no distinction between clingy, unclingy, sprung, unsprung, and/or crazy/uncrazy…why?.. Cause it ain't about "them"!! It' about "ignoring" them…which makes it all about "you"…and that's the point!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 (My Personal Opinion… Much Respect!!! 🙂

  11. @MeteorMan 🙂

    I seem kinda excited?

    Uhm??…. Like that Multi-Multi -Millionaire, Been Paid For Years, Living In A Huge Mansion, Selling Stuff People Feel Good About Buying, Kids Never Having To Worry About Money, Ever In Their Life, Oxy-Clean Infomercial Guy??? 🙂 🙂

    OK!!!!!!!!!!! .. I'll take that!!!! 🙂

    Imitation is the greatest form of flattery… If I'm imitating…I might need to change professions…who knows I might be good at selling the next reversible dish mop squeggie, dohicky for 19.99 plus shipping and handling!!! 🙂

    …And I won't do you wrong…If I ever do this…I'll thank you for putting me on the path and cut you a check!!!!

    ….."Order Now!!!"!!!

    (Much Respect)

  12. #1… yeah thats a win… lmao

    #2 also works when some1 close to you passes away or u suffered a major dissapointment. you always feel good with somethin new.

    Hilarious post

  13. Essentially, women have the same playbook. Sadly, I have played all of these games…(sigh)..well almost all… he played the "F my friends" trump card. Looking back it was silly and just a sign that I was still trying to be with him.

    The best revenge is always upgrading. Become better than them don't just go for the appearance of it, really do it.

  14. @Jay Another Heavy Hitter SUCKAS

    That technique needs to be outlawed, that's a A-Bomb, heat seeking missle…

    If this is from the female playbook, I need to purchase a copy… #sh*t

    But not to throw dirt on it… Where are those techniques for getting single black men to marry single black women… Being that there are alleged singles one all over the country… #justasking…

    @Jay Sharing Is Caring… I will keep that trump card with the fcuking the exes moms if needed…

    1. if folks read "The Five Love Languages" Ish would be easier (I love that book…#shoutout to Slim B.K.A (Blogger known as) Big Meech)

  15. I think we brought this up earlier this week, but if you can, upgrade.

    On aside, I told a chick that I was going to take her to Miami with me. My alter ego is Sobe Jay, she messed up, we broke up, and I went to Miami on some BMF ish.

    Now she could have waited two weeks and she would have been right there next to me. Hell she could have came to me and been straight up and I probably still would have taken her, but nah…

    So I blew all that vacation money on new gadgets, clothes, and ho*s.

    1. mmmhmm. Why does it seem so much easier for a dude to eff a girls friends?

      I don't really think I can go that hard, but deep down I wish I could. I think its pretty gangsta to go on someone like that, but it seems gross.

      any thoughts? is it genetic? a mental block? patriarchy?

      is there some sort of life coach i could hire to teach me this skill?

    2. Dr. Jay, how I love your comments!

      "Now she could have waited two weeks and she would have been right there next to me. Hell she could have came to me and been straight up and I probably still would have taken her, but nah…

      So I blew all that vacation money on new gadgets, clothes, and ho*s."

      I appreciate your honesty. If that was me back in the Idon'tgiveaphucaboutaniggasfeelings days I would have made sure I stayed with you until after we came back on our trip. She was sleeping on her game.

      Just sayin'

  16. @Lola_mcfly I'm glad you asked that question… Me & TheMostInterestingManInTheWorld touch on it in a previous post

    Women are subconsciously in competition with each other… I think most women who blog tend to think with their brains & not their puss*es, but this still affects them to some degree…

    If a girl sees a guy with another girl (Cuter the better), it turns a switch on deep with that girl psyche that, THAT man is valuable because other women want him… CIaldini calls this "Social Proofing"… It doesn't matter WHY the women are competing for him, just the fact that he has women after him… Let's her know everything she needs to know… This doesn't work in reverse with guys… #nobueño… Compound with the fact that most women tell their friends about how good their SO, is putting p*say to sleep… Combine that with alot of women are sexually frustrated… #SuperHotMess… But that is why I love women…

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