Home Dating & Relationships Laws of Attraction When it’s best to keep it on the LOW

When it’s best to keep it on the LOW

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“There’s a difference between telling the truth and being honest.” – My Dad.

I’ll tell you a story.  You know I don’t normally do this, so don’t go retweeting this information to the world.  Basically there’s me, a chick I used to talk to, some random “pretty” chick, and… wait a minute I’m not telling this story, that would defeat the purpose of keeping it on the low.



In this life, we will have to make some decisions on when to fully disclose the truth.  I know I’m guilty of this, because as anyone will tell you, you will have to water board me to find out who I have slept with in the past.  I just keep my ish on the low.  Lower than a pregnant ant’s stomach low.  There’s several reasons why I do that, but to be honest the main reason is because I only mess with a certain type of chick.  If there’s anything I’m guilty of, I’m guilty of being the dude before the One.  It’s like an unwritten Charm School operation with the women I date.  I get them in shape, upgrade them, teach them how to set a table, perform in the bedroom, and then they move on to the next bloke and decide to get married or find a life partner.  (I like girls who like girls, what more can I say?)

And then I get that phone call, from some dude named, Bobby.

“I don’t know Bobby, I mean, I know him, but I don’t know him. Understands what I’m trying to say to you.” – Bernie Mac (RIP).

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Bobby: Yo fam, what’s good?
Jay: Nothing chilling, just making this bread the best way I know how, being the Pimp that I can be.
Bobby: Yeah, yo you know that I’m settling down with Tamika right?
Jay: Word, that’s a good look. Good girl.
Bobby: Yeah, but son did you beat?
Jay: Define beat. I’m pretty sure I broke the box.
Jay: Wow, nah… lol, why someone said I did?  (Here’s where you tell a little half truth.)  People may have gotten that impression because we hang out a lot, but we just cool peoples. If I had beat I would have told you my dude.
Bobby: Oh alright, yeah fam. I mean nothing else, just wanted to see what the deal was.  I’ll see you out in DC soon.

I mean, who am I to ruin this guy’s dream of wifing down Tamika?  Tamika is actually a really good look for him, and any other guy.  I mean at the time, I couldn’t do it, but that was because I chose to go a different way.

Anyway, here are some reasons why sometimes it’s just better to keep it on the low:

At times, you want to protect someone’s feelings.  For example, you might not want to tell your fiancée that you smashed off her maid of honor.  There’s so much riding on a marriage, but you might have smashed her best friend off a few years back.  Years later, you developed a friendship and relationship with your future wife.  So you don’t want to ruin things.

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Like in the example above, you don’t want to stand in the way of someone’s happiness.  I know for me, most times that means not telling a guy that I used to have relations with his girlfriend if it’s not really that important that he knows.  I mentioned in my post on NecoleBitchie, how “I know plenty of married h*es.”  I contemplate every time I know a guy is marrying a chick who used to be a jumpoff.  I was once in a room where there were two guys who had NOT received head from a particular chick.  (There were 20 or so men in that room, and she is now married to a guy that I have more than enough reason to tell about her past, but I didn’t…)

Sometimes people get in fights when the truth comes out.  Basically, in the story above that I didn’t tell, the consequences of the truth coming out in that situation would be a fight.  Because the two girls do not like each other for reasons that have nothing to do with me.  However, if they find out that I had relations with both them.  DISHES.  Rest in peace, Apollo Creed.

Sometimes you have no business doing what you was doing.  If you was smashing off your best friend’s ex-girlfriend, the one he was planning on marrying.  It’s best that it stays on the low.  I mean, your best friend will probably not care because like most men they will say, “F*ck that b*tch.”  (This is the #1 Male Defense Mechanism in de World.)  But y’all can’t be best friends no more.  I mean, the Best Man ended well, but Harper and Lance still haven’t spoken since 1999.  Harper should have kept that ish on the low and made up a story about smashing off Nia Long.

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I mean it really all comes down to evaluating what the consequences for full disclosure are.  You don’t want to end up chasing your uncle around the picnic table at the family BBQ because you found out he smashed your baby mama.  Especially if your family is like mine and everyone’s kids look like they someone else’s kids in the family.  I had a friend who’s ex-boyfriend shot himself in the leg when he found out she was talking to other people.  But she knew he had a gun and had no reason to have a gun except he was crazy.  She should have kept that on the low.  As for me, I’m working better with full disclosure as I’ve been invited to some weddings lately and instead of thinking how good the bride looked, I keep saying to myself, “I could still beat.”  (This is the #2 Male Defense Mechanism in de world.)

Comment(141)

    1. That's cuz y'all do ish like researching and planning for your lies.. Got calendars with dates highlighted and circled and spreadsheets with formulas and graphs and sh*t. Men sweep it under the rug and keep it moving.. and just say whatever comes off the top when asked questions.. And most of us are worse Drake when it comes to free-styling.

        1. "So.. where do you know her from?"

          "Her?" *pulls out blackberry as if checking a text* "Oh that's my homeboy's ex. He told me they broke up cuz she gave him chlamydia.."

          "Oh.."

          Safe..

    2. Nah I can't say women are better at keeping it on the low. I think they have more discretion at what they keep on the low. A man just don't care sometimes, but please believe you won't hear about that fat chick, or that ugly chick, or several other chicks that a dude smashed off….

    3. Yes we are!!! and if our undercover adventures happens to get out TRUST AND BELIEVE it's only because WE let it out and didn't care anymore..

  1. I totally agree, we are better at keeping secrets, because contrary to popular belief, men looove to brag! Most times its just best not to divulge those things. No need to hurt anyones feelings, and no need to put your info out there.

  2. Dr. J is takin' it old olde school!!!

    He must have a cool a** "Uncle" someplace who told him The Rule!!: REAL LADIES & GENTLEMEN NEVER KISS AND TELL!!! 🙂 🙂

    Key word "NEVER"!!!!!!!! 🙂

    BUT… If you are not dealing with A LADY or A GENTLEMAN, be fully prepared to see yo shiznit on FACEBOOK & TWITTER!!! LOL

    My standard reply if asked is simple…. "Come on !!! ; You know real gentlemen don't kiss and tell!!!!… Da*n!!!"

    Works if asked by a woman as well!!

    Dr. J is absolutely right….Keep that stuff on the low FOR REAL!!!!

    1. Oh and never talk about your relationships on FB or Twitter..don't disclose anything. Keep your status at Single even if you are "in a relationship"..unless you are married you are Single….lol…and definitely don't link your page up with your SO….all of these things have the potential to kill your budding relationship or your long term relationship dead….

      1. "all of these things have the potential to kill your budding relationship or your long term relationship dead…." – I dont doubt that you're right but please elaborate a bit

        1. Because you may find yourself wandering over to their page..checking their comments, etc…you could mis-interpret something they said…it brings out insecurities especially if you are already dealing with being insecure..I would go so far as to say..don't even friend your SO on FB…keep it all private and separate…..

        2. I agree w/ You in principle but not absolutely. As a principle, you shouldnt be checking your SO's page and trying to decipher their messages lol. However, what I've learned from the past is that not being friends on the book aint gonna stop that from happening

      2. I think that if you keep your ish a secret on Facebook like being "single" when you are "in a relationship" you're going to garner the question, why? You might as well just take it down rather than lie.

        Now, facebook stalking is real, maybe you shouldn't date someone if you feel the need to stalk them, and maybe you shouldn't date someone who you think might be stalking you…

        1. Its not lying per se…its just not letting all of my business out on Facebook. I don't owe FB anything..as long as me and my SO know what we ARE and what is what…who cares about FB……

          Stalking on FB and checking out your FB friends page is two different things..if you are commenting on there comments..or getting an attitude about their comments or status updates..then you may be stalking….

          I mean we have all heard the stories about break-ups on FB..and couples going at each other over FB…it can be a vicious tool…that is all Im saying.

      3. Yes!!

        I never understood why people would divulge their relationship status on FB/Twitter and such. IMO even if your married.. KEEP THAT TO YOURSELF

        What makes me scratch my head is when after a few weeks to a month pass by you reading someones profile it now says…. (insert name) went from being in a relationship to It's Complicated or Single

        #WTH..

        LOL

        1. Reason 963 that I do not have a FB page. I keep my business so discreet, there are times I don't talk to myself about it. o_O

  3. If you ask, I might tell. I aint gonna tell u off of jump street though. B/c that there is eff'd up and liable to start a fight. But if you asked me was your girl a jump and I know she handled the squad, I will inform you b/c I aint lying for a jump (unless the jump was a friend of mine or like an incredibly great person. Sidebar: Is it me or is it that the jumps these days are such nice people? Kinda make you feel bad for jumping them off)

    1. Son, the new breed of jumps are like the T-1000 jumps. They're smarter, look better, and have more going for them than the T-800's from back when I was young and gunning. Makes you wanna sit down and be like, "so… why are you such a jump?" It's real out there. Would hate to be a young, 21/22 yr old coming up in the game.

      1. One of the biggest jumps I have ever met would be perfect provided she wasnt a jump. She's smart, gorgeous, can cook and an absolute sweetheart but of a group of 9 friends 5 beat and another got the whops

        1. It takes a special kinda lady to just give whops and nothing else.

          How many of you faithful SBM female readers have ever domed off a dude you weren't actually dating? I mean like, you just did on as a one off sort of thing… Is that common?

        2. I'll answer Most. First lemme say thank you on clarifying what the he!! whops was/is.

          It's not common, or at least not w/ my gfs. However, you don't know what someone isn't telling you. There is a girl I suspect in my crew who probably has done this or fallen for a #swindle like this before. But generally whopping [are other tenses allowed?] is reserved for those whom you have also deemed cheek worthy.

        3. @ MOST…I have never domed off a dude I wasn't dating…why would I do that? Hell NO! You are lucky if you get domed off while we are dating! j/k…if we are dating I'll dome you off..lol….I enjoy it but I am not just doming off no dude just because he was nice…..pump the breaks on that one!

        4. The true tragedy in this situation is that you know she is a jump but the next guy will have absolutely NO IDEA. He will wife her fine, smart, cooking azz up and have no idea that his FUTURE WIFE is another man's PAST JUMPS. She aint never gonna tell you that she used to let a whole line of Omegas smash and she used to let one of them play in her booty hole…BUT when you try to slide a finger in that jawn when you hitting it from the back, she is gonna smirk, stop and look at you like you crazy (even tho she really likes it). She is gonna say she aint into that and has never done it before knowing damn well that she has. SMH, lol. (just an example)

          Its truly sad and scary, lol. They always say that you cant turn a hoe in a housewife…but this saying is very untrue.

          Its happens all the time.

        5. I agree with this statement. I have a few friends that fall into this category. Gorgeous, intelligent, great personalities. But they STAY in the sheets of randoms. But they like it, so I'm good. Now, I'm pretty sure less than 5% of the people we hang with know this about them. They keep it on the low…well.

      2. Peyso: Sidebar: Is it me or is it that the jumps these days are such nice people? Kinda make you feel bad for jumping them off)

        @Peyso and Most — Don't feel bad cuz 9 times outta 10 she is fully down for the jumpoff status cuz Ms. Trampoline got too much going on in her day to day life to be boggled down with a SO/LTR or worrying about trying to nurture a new FRIEND…..so that sidepiece/cut buddy/jumpoff situation is what's hot to her right now.

        *my2cents*

  4. Seems a bit too reactive to me. If u developed a better moral code, you might not have to worry about needing a rule set for getting around the consequences of past discretions.. but I suppose that would ruin the fun and the potential for the inevitable fallouts and karma bitchery that that I imagine you're looking forward to.. so.. carry on..

    1. I know where you were going w/ this Rem. I was feeling the same way about the examples given… If he smashed my maid of honor, I'd know. But maybe those are just my GFs. However, after thinking about it I just took the post and applied it to other situations. Sometimes it really is best to keep things to yourself… if no one benefits from knowing, if nothing is REALLY going to change from anyone knowing after a period of chaos then I shake it off. It's whatevs.

      Por ejemplo, I caught one of my friends boyfriends cheating. I mean right in front my face. I saw him and I KNOW he saw me. He continued on as if nothing was happening. I felt like he was testing my gangster… my loyalty to my friend cuz in all honesty, I knew (had a 'relationship') him first. So now… to keep it on the low or not is the question.

      1. Tough position…the old me would say tell. The older and wiser me..knows that relationship dynamics can be very complicated..sometimes, the person knows the SO is cheating but is choosing to remain in denial for whatever reason…sometimes, the person knows but kinda doesn't want proof…sometimes, you can get cut off because you were the messenger….this you will have to weigh carefully.

        I am leaning towards not saying anything.

      2. @MademoiselleSoFlyy Oh so yea, THIS example right here is exactly something I'd keep on the low and I have done! Had some colleagues (who became real close friends to me) the guy friend I met first. He informed me that he was in a r'ship w/ the one colleague (who I met afterwards nd wasn't as cool w/ initially) and he was playing her with another colleague of ours. So yea long story short, I became real cool w/ the gf, but I was also cool w/ the sidechick, but the sidechick had a boo as well so yea a lot going on. Anyways, both chicks didn't know they were being played, while I'm sitting there cool w/ every1 not sayin iiiiiish! I def kept tryna drop hints to gf, but my boy eventually ended up showin that he didn't give a damn and he broke up with her. Sadly, my friend still has feelings for him and I keep tryna tell her he didn't gibbadamn! Yea, but all that… takin to my grave, unnecessary to dish

      3. I decided some time ago that there are entirely too many factors to weigh when dealing with what to keep on the low.. Too much subjectivity. Therefore my rules apply less to loyalty and more to random variables in hopes that the universe will sort itself out.

        Rule #1: Don't tell me anything you don't want told to someone else.. Every time someone says they have something to tell me, that's what I tell them. I keep it real as a personal rule and if your information becomes a part of my story, chances are, it's gonna hit the airwaves.

        Rule #2: I don't run and tell that. Just because I know it, doesn't mean that it's my job to taddle. So if you're cheating and I catch you, no matter who you are, I probably won't go running to the person on whom you are cheating and telling on you (unless of course there is some sort of vendetta.. but I'm never that lucky). However, if your story is relevant to a message I'm trying to convey, you are f*k'd because it will probably get around. See rule #1.

        Rule #3: If someone asks, I'm telling. I don't lie to people. I have spent too much time being truthful and usually stumble when I lie, and thus am a bad spontaneous liar anyway. If they ask, I will either tell the truth or plead the fifth, which is usually an indication of the answer to their question anyway.

        These are the rules. Should you choose to understand and accept these rules, you and I can be friends.. Please sign here..

        ______________________________

      4. I clearly used the wrong tense in that example. I meant to say "To keep it on the low or not WAS the question." This all happened like a month or 2 ago. My gf is an emotional person so I figured —

        1. I'd want to know if it was me.

        2. If she finds out I knew, she'll kill me.

        3. I don't eem like this n!gga and he smirkin at me. He is testing my GANGSTER.

        The 3rd point being the most important. I told. She cried. She fussed. He cussed. He took me off his FB friends, lol. He lied to her to clear it up. She waivered, she believed. Whomps. I decided from that point on I'd done my due diligence as a friend. All in all I found out that he'd cheated several times before, which I could've guessed, and she thought they were 'past all of that.' Another friend ended up telling her as well 2 weeks ago… so a month and half from my disclosure he was still going at it. This time she made more a fuss b/c that friend forced her to look at proof. (She ain't wanna see mine… yes I twitpic'ed that n!gga.) She talked to the other woman. She cried. He lied. And at this point, I believe they are no longer 'dating' but she still pay his phone bill. e______O

    2. Taaaaa and daaaaaa! The winner is…Rem! I couldn't agree with you more Rem, b/c seriously just sounds like a lot of trife going on. I def understand keeping ish on the low, but certain information needs to be disclosed, esp to close friends…just my opinion though. I like to keep things sorta honest to those around me b/c I expect the same…that's just how I roll, that ho, Karma…yea she don't play. The shoe on the other foot stings REAL bad!

    3. RemTheMulatto makes plenty of sense and it is something I was thinking reading this whole post. I was just shaking my head and thinking, "are people really this trifling???" I have a very small group of people that I call my friends and could not imagine them participating in any of this nonsense. I assume this comment came from a male — and it is much appreciated.

      On another note, I can't stand it when men act like women are supposed to be virgins — but at the same time know how to slob a knob like a champ… Are women not supposed to have a past? Do you think women should not have slept with anyone in any of the closest 5 zip codes? However it's cool for dudes to screw anything and everything in his path? I weep for all the men and women looking for a real relationship cuz this is some bull…

      1. Can you or Rem explain the trifling part? I'm not reading this the same way and would like to see your side

        1. I can't even fathom the mindset of a woman…who is letting between 6-9 dudes smash in one day!! Seems like a woman who is just nastty, no self respect, no self-esteem….in this case, I would tell my homey about this girl…..this type of behavior warrants telling. This is outrageous!!

      2. I just wanna add a lil sidenote to this: if it were up to me, Id want every woman I "co-agulate" with…to have spent 3 weeks at "dyck $ukkin camp"…they give you certified papers, pros and cons to your swerve game, and an overall rating system. #practicmakesperfect #justsayin

        some men like to live in a fantasy world…bless they poor hearts.

    4. I disagree. Here's why: I mess w/ a chick and do all types of nastiness w/ her. I dont tell my friends b/c I dont kiss & tell. 3 yrs later my boys is trying to wife her down, what should you do?

      Or:

      Chick was a jump in college. I knew at least 8 dudes who piped within a day of each other. 3 years later a friend of mine from back home is trying to wife. What do you do?

      These are scenarios that really happen and put people in a weird bind. They dont involve lowered moral standards but someone's feelings would still be hurt.

        1. I knew a chick who caught 6 in one day. I knew 2 chicks who caught respectively 6 and 9 in one night in the same room. Once as a freshman, I was at an Alpha house party and they had a line outside of a door. That chick caught 12. And they say the Ques are too nasty lolol

        2. In reference to these women sleeping with 6-9 dudes in a week or one sitting/laying…

          It's nothing that any of us can do to stop some chicks from doing outlandish sexual acts to get attention.

          I can tell you that i've witnessed or heard of from solid sources of chicks who have done GREAT FEATS. I never participated in a trizzy because that's just not my thing, but i've met some chicks.

          I know a chick who feels upset when she hasn't smashed someone in the chapter, not my chapter, but a chapter that i'm familiar with.

          Dudes down at A&T, not even Greeks told me shorty showed up, first party of the year, 5 dudes ran triz, told they boys, next day 6 dudes ran triz, then in the next week, mad dudes was just calling her over to beat, maybe another 2-3 who her on the solo tip.

          Shoooooot, it's female readers on here righ' now, who been affiliated with having 2 or more dudes smash at the same time. And some of them are proud of it.

          I commend their valor.

        3. OK…excuse me, but can someone please tell me who these chicks are?!!!! My head is seriously spinnin'!! My close friends & I are real close and we tell each other mostly everything, but I'm also aware that we keep things to ourselves… BUT I'm also prety damn sure chicks like this DO NOT exist in my circle. Where in the holy F&@* are these people? Who are they??

          These are real questions, someone inform me please so I can hide my husbands and kids, bc SHEESH!

      1. Scenario 1: If they ask, I tell.. Feelings need to be hurt sometimes. And as a matter of fact, if you don't tell, that shit might come out later and you'll have a bigger mess on your hands.. You know.. When they've had kids and some pictures or a sex tape surfaces.

        Scenario 2: Well, if you aint telling yo boy that he's trying to wife the Jump of the Year 2007, then I'd say you're not being a very good friend.

        Keeping it on the down low is often only thinking 10 minutes ahead. It's Chess, not Checkers!! Even Ocean's 11 went bad..

      2. You tell your friend. Or you would do like I once did and send an "anonymous" email letting your boy know that getting an STD test is a good idea. Its like my civil duty.

        Too many nasty people running around and not strapping it up.

      3. Peyso were you wanna those negroes standing outside the door ready to smash!? Please, tell me no…what on earth makes a man stand online for some ole raggedy azz coochie…..smh.

        1. @ Rem …REALLY? All coochie, easy or not is not GOOD coochie.

          I really want to know who some of these women are letting brothas run trains on them. I am not trying to be Ms. Judgey-Judgerson but what kind of woman lays on her back and lets 3,4,8 men hit it? What goes through her mind?

      4. That…and everything else that I read about multiple dudes smashing in one night…is GROSS! I'm not even comfortable with the idea of having chex with two different dudes in the same MONTH let alone the same night or days of each other!

        I wanna go scrub myself off something serious after reading that!

        1. Really… same month???GTFOH lol

          I'm placing $$$ down one of the female readers here has gotten D at least twice in 24hrs.

  5. "you don’t want to stand in the way of someone’s happiness"

    +

    "Sometimes people get in fights when the truth comes out"

    ^Real talk. It's not always worth it. Definitely case by case decision making.

    I have to admit that there are some things that folks disclosed to me that i wish they wouldn't have. I would have loved that damn ignorant bliss. Telling me didn't help me at all. The matter was neither pressing nor current. I could have lived my whole life and not known. They wanted to get it off their chest and now it's on mine and I don't want it, lol.

  6. hmmm i don't want to be a judging judy but ur kind of grimy. on the bright side at least ur not ice cold about it and inconsiderate of other folks feelings.

    what about these chicks? also a smidge on the grimey side.

    i can appreciate ur discretion though. in the end, people would rather not know what will emotionally hurt them.

  7. As I always say, there's a difference between being honest and telling everything you know. I always try to see if it's going to be beneficial to the person. If it's not going to make a difference, then I'll keep my mouth shut. Everything doesn't need to be said, especially if it doesn't matter in the end.

  8. Yes, keep it all on the low. That is why I don't disclose my number if a man asks…that is why I don't really disclose my s*xual exploits with my girlfriends…like who, how good/bad it was, nothing…..

    For the most part women don't really go around asking their homegirls…"did you smash with my guy"…I mean I don't…I don't know anyone who does….do you do that ladies?

    I know a group a guys I grew up with thru jhs and hs and they were a strong click…one of the guys married the other guys ex-wife..said guy is never invited to anything anymore…I know the other guy she was married to…and he is a good dude..he tried to play it off like it didn't bother him..but, I can tell it did..he is re-married but still….that brings into question for me whether or not your were scoping out my spouse while I was still married….now, that to me is foul….

    In closing, I am co-signing this post..because keeping it all on the low will keep yo azz from gettin hemmed up 🙂

    1. I tell my number but I wouldn't tell the dude who…but then again, I've never had a guy ask me who I've dealt with…mainly cause they more than likely don't…i don't like to deal with guys on the same campus, let alone the same state!

  9. “I could still beat.” (This is the #2 Male Defense Mechanism in de world.)

    Hilarious. And now I'm dying to know what the #1 Male Defense Mechanism is in the world is.

  10. i completely agree. one of my friend's bfs(now fiance) tried to date me at some point in the past. and i mean he was almost stalking… offering to buy me crap and all the things thirsty individuals do. it never went anywhere but i opted not to tell her when she introduced him as her bf for a year. if she had just met him however, i'd have probably said something.

    and as someone mentioned above… twitter and facebook are a definite NO for sharing any kind of relationship information. unless that's how you find jumpoffs…

  11. First, let me clear something up. Someone up thread said women are better than men at keeping things on the low. This is not a good thing. Generally speaking, I'm not ashamed of anything I've done in my life. It all makes me who I am, so, I'm willing to share, pretty much everything, with any individual who's asking as long as they're asking for the right reasons. My experiences have made me better, maybe they can make you better… vicariously.

    Now, where this all goes wrong is when weaker people are unable to deal with the truth. That's where the problems come in. Weaker people are hurt by the truth, and they allow that hurt to cloud their judgment and improperly influence their actions. Now, because there are a lot of people like this populating the earth, it's easy to begin lowering yourself to their level, appeasing their emotion guided lives by telling lies and half truths – but – I can't do that.

    So, in the example given above, I wouldn't feel good about telling Bobby that I had, in the past, smashed a chick he's bout to wife. I'm not that close to Bobby, he's not one of my peoples, so, if he cares that much, he should be asking his woman what we did. If he's asking me, it indicates there's something wrong with him, or there's something wrong in the relationship. I think Dr. J and I are in agreement there. Where I would differ with Dr. J's response is that, my version of keeping it on the low would not involve lying. I would say, straight up, "What I've done or not done in my sex life is none of your business." End of conversation.

    So, I guess what I'm saying is, I agree with the heart of this post, you don't kiss and tell. What I disagree with is the part about telling a lie. I don't think it's good to lie, even if you're doing it with good intentions. Should your lie ever be exposed, no one will remember your intentions, they'll only remember that you lied.

    1. Agreed. Good intentions often end up being remembered as nothing more than failed goals. In the Bobby scenario, he should have understood that when asking sensitive questions, there is a very REAL possibility that he may get an answer that will not please him. Lying or taking unnecessary measures to remain covert is just that…unnecessary.

  12. A perfect example of this..

    A friend of mine, who's business I'm about to put all out there for the sake of teaching (it's ok, see the 3 rules above), once felt the need to keep it on the DL. And for the sake of hiding identities, let's say they're bears.

    Well, Lady Bear once kicked it with this Guy Bear. She and he (him and her? o_O) had a rocky run. He stole her honey once. She woke him up while he was hibernating once.. Whatever. One of the things she did was smash his cousin, Cousin Bear. Lady Bear keeps this on the down low, and fortunately they break up, so she doesn't have to worry.

    They remain friends afterward. Several bear years later, after Lady Bear and Guy Bear spent time searching the forest for other bears and confiding in each other about their relationships, they find themselves in love. They decide that they should give it another shot. The problem is, Cousin Bear still seems to be feeling Lady Bear from that passionate night of Bear S3x they had that one time. His presence is a threat.

    Now normally, Lady Bear would just kill this mo fo and wouldn't be no problems, but that was unacceptable in this bear society (pacifist bears?). So she knew that her indiscretions were not behind her.. not to mention she happened to be one of those rare bears that still had a conscience.

    She asked Rem Bear, the coolest bear of them all, what to do. Rem Bear said that it may be best to spill the honey to prevent it from growing into an even bigger problem later.. Rem Bear also said that he probably would take that sh*t to his grave.. Rem Bear was trying to be open minded.

    Lady Bear decided to half tell Guy Bear the truth. Guy Bear initially acted like it wasn't a big deal, but he wanted to know. Guy Bear asks Lady Bear questions about it every once in awhile. This story is not over yet, so I don't know what happens.. but that's what the DL gets you.. Bear issues.

    1. To clarify what the half-truth was.. Lady Bear told Guy Bear that she slept with someone he knew or something like that, but didn't say exactly who. Half truths are very bad, in this bear's opinion..

    2. "Now normally, Lady Bear would just kill this mo fo and wouldn’t be no problems, but that was unacceptable in this bear society (pacifist bears?)."

      This part had me dying…. the bears are Quakers.lol

  13. I think that in general women are more likely to say if they had sex with their friends SO because women put more value in casual sex, than men do. However, if you don't find out that a man is with a women until the day before their wedding, then I don't think you were close enough with the man to begin with and it's not your place to out his future wife as a whore. If he valued your opinion that much, he would have mentioned her to you when they first began dating.

    1. I agree with your first sentence but will also add that, on average, women have less partners than men. Meaning that if as a dude, its literally more to tell than if I was a woman.

      "However, if you don’t find out that a man is with a women until the day before their wedding, then I don’t think you were close enough with the man to begin with and it’s not your place to out his future wife as a whore." – I dont think this is what the post is discussing. Your comment alludes to the fact that I'm just on a whore outing crusade trying to burn jumps at the stake Salem, Massachusetts style. I think the post is referencing specifically if you are asked what should you do

  14. My Points 1-4:

    1. Well if it is a friend and we are close I am gonna tell you I hit it. Better you hear it from me then from someone else.

    2. If a dude ask me then I'm gonna tell the truth. Bamma ask a question he should be prepared for the answer.

    3. What kinda weak dude starts makin phone calls before wifin a chick. I've heard of dudes gettin all into a chicks background. Never made sense to me. Are you marriyin the chick now or are you marryin the chick she was 15 years ago in college. I don't know about yall but I don't want nobody judgin me on ish I did 20 years ago.

    4. I've always felt that dudes that don't tell you they hit your girl are passive aggressive types. They like the feeling of superiority of knowing something you don't. They feel superior when they eff another mans women and often seek out certain women to eff with another dudes head. It's just one way male rivalries play out. (Please forgive me yall but I'm from the DMV…and the game is vicious here. I speak from what I've seen.) Just sayin I question the motives sometimes for dudes keepin secrets. I doubt their intentions are always as noble as "I don't want to hurt nobody's feelings.

    1. So J, answer this: In response to #4, how do you tell a dude you piped his chick? How does this come up in conversation? I'm all for honesty when asked but how do I just bring this up w/o seeming like an arse?

      And for #3 – Yea dudes be lame. But no one wants to go to a high school/college/greek picnic and be the one who gets laughed at.

      1. #4 Well it's two scenarios really. If me and dude are tight I'm gonna know when the relationship first starts. That is when it is OK to just offer it up. Before attachements is really there. "Dude I hit dat."

        Now if I meet them later, say after marriage or after they been together for a year or so and I see he got real feelings. I won't offer up the truth unless asked. But chances are, since my circle of friends aint known for datin brawds they not hittin, once a dude finds out I know his girl from the past he gonna ask if I hit. In that case, I'm not gonna lie. If a man ask a question that he must want the truth not a lie.

        #3 No one wants to get laughed at. But if I'm tight with dudes I should already know what went down. But if I don't know the dudes than eff it. I'm not judgin people on what they did in the past. I care about who I'm datin as they are. Not as they used to be. A lot of dudes think that is stupid but das just the Christian part of me.

      2. @peyso and @j –

        Imma put this out there the way any of the females would put it out there…

        You don't have to tell you boy that you smashed his girl, you tell his girl to tell him or you will.

        Have you ever heard of when a dude get caught cheating by his gf's homegirl? She put that pressure on him something serious.

    2. J I have to disagree with #3. The same as with a job interview, A company calls your references, review your resume and questions the hell out of you. If I am pursuing a personal relationship with you, then you become an extension of me and therefore I need to know who the heck I'm dealing with.

      People judge you for you AND your affiliations. No heaux-to-housewife is going to take me down(no pun intended) with her.

      DL

  15. I came…unarmed. So I'm going to attempt at making a white flag. This post is another touchy one. BUT here's the thing:

    It reminds me of some spiel I had on Twitter (RIP Suki's tweets) and I talked about the difference between whole truths, half truths and lies. If I didn't do this on the Bird, I did this on the Blog or maybe even the Book of Faces. There are just some things that are better off left unsaid. For the sake of your life, your health, your feelings, their health and their feelings. I always appreciate the entire truth and I always felt I can handle it but in situations like the ones up there, if it were my wedding day [whenever in the HELL that is], I think you can keep that secret. If it won't do anything but kill my little gentle heart (ha!) and kill friendships at that wedding, I think it's best left unsaid.

    Per esempio: Em & Dee are friends. So Dee knows how Em feels about Are. Are and Em are talking, feeling each other, yadda yadda. This year, Em found out Dee had s*x with Are 2 years ago and 3 days ago. Wouldn't be a big deal now if Em and Are weren't feeling each other and weren't talking 2 years and a day ago. And didn't have s*xual relations. So it meant right after Em & Are slapped skin, Dee & Are were also romping? And what was the result of this thing NOT kept on the low (TWO YEARS AFTER) it happened? Em & Dee aren't exactly "friends". Em gives Dee the O_o of the world. And Are can pretty much kick rocks in Em's eyes. Pretty much, sh!t aint the same anymore.

    If Em never found out, whether it was at that time or two years later, don't we all think the relationship btwn all of them would have been better? I do.

    *looks in* I think I made my point. Okay bye.

  16. I am of two minds here… First- if it's my business it's my business. There are certain people who can have the in on a situation or two.

    If it's involving someone I'm really close to ill spill. Everybody else… Well. Case-by-case basis.

  17. Unfortunately Im busy for the next few hours and late as it is, so I dont have the benefit of reading all your posts. I understand that women, but ESPICALLY us MEN have fragile egos…"they do..not me"…but I digress. Women tend to hide the truth from us because they either think, know or are 100% sure that we wont be able to handle it. I aint mad at you for that. the only way to know is to throw it on the table, but that may have dire consquences. I get that. Some of us men…dont care what the truth is, so long as we know it. Through my line of work, Ive been a lot of places, and simply put, done a lot of things. so Im the LAST one putting my halo on my lil halo holder every nite before bed. it aint happenin. but I believe in keeping it truthful. Id tell a friend I racked his chick way back when, whether it hurt or not. but id hate to have to face him if I didnt tell him, and he found out later. Yeah, we all wanna think we was ya best, ya biggest, ya most wyld style,etc…and for one woman you may hold that crown, but not for all. Im of the persuasion that Id like to decide on my own if I can handle your exploits or not. but Im me and im one of 100 million…but if I told you mine, youd understand why I can handle yours. whats done in the dark USUALLY, but not all the time, comes to the light. but this is only one variable in the equation, and theres more than one side to this situation. #treadlightly

    1. @dayl8dollashort –

      BINGO. Women hide mad ish because they are afraid what people think.

      Let me break this down to you for it to forever be broken… If your chick comes up to you and says one night whilst y'all laying in bed. "I have to tell you something, you might hear some things about me from my past. I mean, it happened, I was single, I don't mind telling you about it."

      THE GUY WILL PROBABLY NOT DROP HER.

      It's when he's at the Gold Bowl on Saturday and Peyso is like, "Oh that's your girl, I thought I recognized her."

      Tell the guy first and he won't trip.. as much. If you not ashamed, then the guy can't be ashamed either.

  18. Question for the people…

    Are men more likely to ask these kinds of questions?

    Maybe its just me, but I would never feel the need to tell my homegirl that the man she is with now, was a ho 10 years ago when we were in undergrad. And if she asks, I would tell her that ish doesn't matter today b/c it was 10 effing years ago. As long as he is disease free, and has been true to her, then its all good to me. Do men not think the same way? If your friend is about to marry a young woman you knew from college, and he asks you about a time in college, why tell him some ish that happened years before? Should you lie? No. I say, don't tell him anything because it doesn't matter now. Unless you have proof that she is still smashing the homies, keep your effing mouth shut.

    As for the man doing the asking, he's an idiot who deserves to be alone. Unless he has some kind of proof that she is still siding trains, what she did 5+ years before should not be held against her. And the same goes for women asking about her man.

    1. "Maybe its just me, but I would never feel the need to tell my homegirl that the man she is with now, was a ho 10 years ago when we were in undergrad." – Of course you wouldnt because society doesnt put the same pressure on men for being hoes that they do on women. Ppl arent really going to clown your girl in the same way that they would clown a dude.

      "And if she asks, I would tell her that ish doesn’t matter today b/c it was 10 effing years ago." – It doesnt matter to you but that doesnt mean it doesnt matter to her.

      "No. I say, don’t tell him anything because it doesn’t matter now. Unless you have proof that she is still smashing the homies, keep your effing mouth shut." – Not saying anything is the same as saying yes.

    2. Depends on the dude? Some dudes are obsessed with a womans past. I could care less. I'm secure with mine. If a girl used to be a ho all I really want to know is did you deal with issues. Did you get therapy. Are you over that now. But that's just me. I'm not a judgemental person and I usually prefer to deal with people that are the same way. Usually people that have been through some real ish in their life are the least judgemental.

      1. This is my thing.

        Everyone has a past. Personally, I'm disgusted by the idea that my potential bf may have been with countless women, some 2 at a time, when he was young and wild. But that was his past, its not our present, and its not our future. I would expect him to afford me and my tiny number the same leeway. IDK.

    3. @NIA – Let me tell you something that I've told many of jumpoffs and h*es who have came to my clinic seeking medical attention. "Life is cumulative. It is not semester to semester." Your GPA is not only affected by the things you fail at this semester, but by your actions over all the years you have been in school.

      So a chick can think "it was college" but that don't mean nothing. That's like a man saying, "yeah I smashed off 146 chicks, but that was before I was 30. I'm a grown man now." NAW SON!

      1. 1. Don't lump me in with the JOs and hoes you know. I've been neither. Thanks, Management.

        2. I agree with the cumulative idea. And I see your point about the dude who had 100+ partners. However, I don't really believe a person's sexual past should be held against them in the present or the future, unless we are talking about STDs, sperm count, etc. If I find out my man had 100+ partners, I would not be happy about that. Likewise, a man probably wouldn't be happy about his lady smashing the homies 5+years ago. If (s)he doesn't ask, or doesn't care about what happened in the past, why would anyone take it upon themselves to share that information? Are you really trying to protect your friend? Or is there something else behind it?

      2. @ Dr J

        "So a chick can think “it was college” but that don’t mean nothing. That’s like a man saying, “yeah I smashed off 146 chicks, but that was before I was 30. I’m a grown man now.” NAW SON"

        I appreciate your honesty because I know too many male whores that think otherwise. #justsayin'

      3. I like the GPA analogy. I liken it to a credit score. If you were spending all wrecklessly and now your credit score is looking terrible, as a loan officer you gonna have to give me a good story about your past spending and/or a good story about why it shouldnt be used to forecast your future spending happens. Past actions are alnmost always the best indicator of future acts

        1. I like this analogy too. A credit score doesn't penalize you forever for your mistakes. It rises and falls based on your actions. There is opportunity for redemption.

  19. Cosign parts of this.

    I will say if my peoples inquire about a woman that they are thinking of wifin or dating and ask for a carfax, im giving the carfax, even if my VIN # appears. My peoples. Random dudes don't need to ask me that because they're random… and I wouldn't give them that time of day.

    If Bobby was peoples, yeah Im tellin. I wont go into details, but I will confirm.

    Im super private with mine, which is why you rarely see me speak on specific situations in my past or present in my writing. I withhold names and situations to protect the innocent, guilty, and not to embarass or belittle. Besides, too many lurky people in the world to divulge your B.I. on the internets

    1. I know i'm guilty of this the MOST. I mean, mostly because of the situation that most people know about as it pertains to me, deal with people on the same side of the shield as me. I'm working on it…

      In some ways, I feel like Nia…

      Because and I was telling the e-boo this the other day, when a dude says "did you beat?" What if I was actually dating the woman, and we slept together and it just didn't work out. There was respect there, or at least an understanding. You going to reduce my relations with a chick to "did you beat?" That's why i'll straight up lie to a dude and say no.

      It's like I said in the post, did I beat? No as I recall I broke the box. LOL. But in all seriousness, I didn't beat. We dated, we became close, we had s*x, it was respectful and we parted ways still friends.

  20. "Some of us men…dont care what the truth is, so long as we know it."

    _________________________________

    Right!!! The assumption that someone needs to be lied to is so wrong. If a brawd lied to me about sleepin with 20 dudes in high school. The 20 dudes wouldn't bother me. The fact that she lied about would.

        1. Not exactly but the dude that does should be well aware of any wild sh*t that she may have done

  21. I haven't read all the comments yet but

    "Sometimes people get in fights when the truth comes out. "

    made me think of The Best Man. I really feel like Harper (Taye Diggs) shouldn't have wrote about his exploits, but also it was something that Lance (Morris Chestnut) should've never found out about…

    1. If I remember the movie correctly. Taye Diggs smashes his mans girl while they're in college because his mans (Morris) wasn't treating her right in college. Subtly alludes to it in a book he rights and all the sh*t hits the fan right before the wedding.

      In this case, Taye Diggs is the worst possible type of dude you could ever have in your crew of guy friends. He's the "let me console your soul while I palm your a**" type dude. Here Morriss is, tryna string this chick along properly while he's in college, giving her just enough to keep her around, but witholding just enough for him to be able to have his fun and sew his wild oates – knowing that, one day, he'll eventualy get right and throw a ring on it… and Taye Diggs comes in on some – "he don't value you", "you're worth more than that" bs. That's the worst. And you supposed to be his peoples? Weak.

      1. yea kinda but not really, lol. Taye and ol girl were friends first. And he knew his boy was a slut, lol. But he hooked them up anyway. so he was being friends to both, but not telling his female friend how his guy friend was getting down. when she found out on her own, she used Taye to "get her vengeance on" so to speak.

        I think where he went wrong was falling for it yes, but writing about it made it worse.

        1. What Taye should have did was say he beat off Nia Long. Or… he should have told Lance beforehand. He still can't come to the wedding.

          On the side, remember the flashbacks of when Taye was tapping htat, they were just uncalled for.. LMAO.

        2. One of my all time favorite movies too! I always wondered about a sequel though….Hmmm? Is it too late for a sequel? I always wondered what happened with Quentin and Shelby at the very end when they ended up in bed….she seems like she would've been time enough for Quentin!

          Bring on the Sequel!

      2. Wait, wait, Taye Diggs is the jack ass in this situation?!? REALLY?!? Men and their logic will never cease to amaze me.

        1. Come on, ya'll. How is Morris Chestnut not the worst of the worst in the movie? I am in no way condoning ol' girl's actions, although I'm sure it made her feel good as hell :). But is her f**king around with Taye Diggs not the ultimate karma?

          I mean, let's be real. Morris' character had options, folks. The minute he knew he wasn't ready to settle down with that chick (and what dude in college is really), he should've let her be! Let that chick be free, man. That's the grown up, non-selfish thing to do! But instead, he decided to prevent her from moving on with her life by leading her on while he knocks down every semi-attractive, easy chick on campus?!? And Taye Diggs is the bigger jerk?!?

        2. Lance was wrong for cheating on Mia, but his cheating doesn't negate the fact that Harper was wrong from having $ex with his best man's girl. 2 wrongs don't make a right. The winner in all of it was Mia.. or was it Mya? I can't recall. She got to enact her little piece of revenge, and keep her man.

        3. @ Danni – No one denying that Morris was wrong. But as a dude, you DO NOT SLEEP WITH THE GIRLFRIEND OF YOUR BEST FRIEND. There is never a good reason to do so. There is never ever a valid explanation. Like never ever. I could be cheating on my gf w/ every women in the world but if my man sleeps w/ her, we gonna have problems b/c I'm taking that as a sign of disrespect.

          Mia is trifling too though. Three triflin mofos smh

        4. Taye is a WAY bigger jerk than Morris. Morris' character did what most men do. He got it in during college, while keeping his main chick mostly happy until he got to the point where he was ready to settle down. Taye's character is weak. He pretends to be this upright, do the right thing sort of dude, but in reality, he has no code. He hooks two friends up with each other, then passes judgment from afar on how his man handles the relationship. Then, he's too weak to see through his man's girls emotional weakness in seducing him to get her vengence, so, he smashes his mans girl. Then, he's not man enough to tell his man, that he smashed his mans girl while they were together even though he's about to be the best man in the wedding. And, on top of all that… he writes about the sh*t in a biographical book about his life and is about to get rich off it. Also, he's with Sanaa but isn't man enough to tell her he wants to smash other chicks, so he stays with her, pretending to be happy. C'mon son, Taye is the worst in that movie. No code.

          All Morris did was be a man, not, the great man, but not a terrible one either… I mean, he did do the right thing, settle down and propose to the chick. All Mia did was be a woman (emotional, sometimes conniving, and when scorned – vengeful) – Taye… Taye was a b*tch. That makes him the worst!

        5. Now that I can agree with. And Terrence Howard's character was shiesty, too. He wasn't even involved in said situation but couldn't shut the eff up. Had he kept his mouth shut at the bachelor party none of this drama ever would've taken place. Just a collection of sheisty intelligent black folk.

        6. Taye was wrong on two fronts….he was willing to cheat on Sanaa Lathan knowing she was coming into town the next morning?! Secondly, he did mess with Mia during the college yrs…but even dumber was he wrote a book about it..and really didn't change up the characters all that much….he wouldn't have been at my wedding!

          It took Quentin aka Terrance Howard to call everybody out on everything! He made the movie in my opinion. lol

        7. I'll say Taye and Morris were equal jerks. Morris in the past, Taye for doing the do and letting the secret out. IMO

          this exploit happened WHILE THEY WERE STILL IN SCHOOL from my understanding…

          so it wasn't like he did it the week before the wedding, it was dumb long ago–and she was HIS FRIEND TOO.

          Lance beat that ass with good reason upon finding out, because Harper shouldn't have put it all in the wide like that (then dedicate the book to them, low blow) but Mia was the sheisty creeper cuz she knew EXACTLY what she was doing as well. She couldve got hers with a random–but NO, she chose Harper for a reason.

          slickness. smh.

        8. @ QueenT I agree Quinton made the movie. and he called Harper out too "you are my judge, all you do is judge me" but he was doing dirt too. if yall haven't guessed thats like one of my favorite movies.

          not to mention Harper was gonna get with Jordan that night before his girl came in town, THEN took the shine off his boy and proposed to his girl at their wedding–which is super tacky. you don't take the attention off the bride and groom.

          yeah I'm gonna change my mind and say Taye was the grimiest in the movie, lol.

        9. @ Reecie

          I forgot all about him planning to cheat on Sanaa. Yep, dirty through and through. And stupid for writing a book. And tacky.

          I really loved Terrance Howard in that movie. Now, I'm like, "eh". lol.

        10. Thank you Reecie for furthering my point. I only saw the movie once so I'm just going off memory. I remember watching it in college. I was just using it as a ComeOverToMyDormToWatchThisMovie #Swindle and then being upset because the chick I was watching with gave Diggs' character a pass. I'm like… this dude is the worst. I couldn't go into detail and explain it to her, cuz I was tyrna smash that night. But yea… like I said from jump – he's the worst – by far.

        11. I dunno.. I think it was pretty messed up that Morris Chestnut was a V and got that chick pregnant with his V baby.. but then he got with that white girl at the end.. And Taye Diggs was drunk and tryna get on Tamala Jones when he was supposed to be getting married. Good thing Omar Epps was there to talk some sense into em.. tho I'm surprised he wasn't at the hospital that day. Sanaa Lathan wasn't exactly takin care of business either.. Playin' basketball with Omar and killing aliens and sh*t. And as for Nia Long.. well she shoulda just stayed at Big Momma's house.. Then you got Harold Perrineau killing those two people on the island and betraying everybody.. And Terrance Howard shoulda been in Iron Man 2.. but whatever. Yeah, that movie was crazy..

  22. Oh…you can jump all ova' my azz yesterday but comments made today that leave NOTHING to the imagination don't even get a slap on the hand from the "spread the love" police? LMAO Frickin' hilarious. I think you just don't like me P E Y S O. It's allllll good. I'm going to love you anyway.

  23. I always wonder about this…like if it ok to divulge and if so, when is it ok?

    I guess it should be dealt with on a case to case basis?

    1. My best friends all took an oath years ago that if any of us….should ever see our SO doin' some ~ish that even remotely looks shady…we will pull a hamstring runnin' to tell dat. But everyone isn't like us…some people get seriously pissed off if you offer unsolicited info!

  24. I'm late. But I'm commenting.

    If she's my girl, I'm telling. Period. But she has to ask, volunteering sounds messy to ME.

    I agree with many of those that have said the past is the past…I've learned not to ask questions I don't want to know the answer to.

  25. Dayuuuum!! Reading all these comments made me forget the original post!!

    *scrolls back up to Dr. J*

    It's none of my business…..I don't care who smashed who….I never know ANYTHING!!

    Great post 🙂

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