The following chat was re-created with the assistance of one of my boys and is between him and one of his lady friends that hopefully doesn’t read this blog. Real names have been removed to protect the innocent and shady.
Kat: Sooo, I may have ODed last weekend…
Rich: Did you cheat on Leon?
Kat: No. Not at all. Well, not physically at least.
Kat: Well, I was out drinkin’ with the girls and ended up sending some “intense” messages to Booty Bobby.
Rich: Do you mean Booty Bobby who used to explore your nether-regions for buried treasure?
Rich: Do you mean Booty Bobby who you once called King of the Back Sheezies?
Rich: o_O What did Booty Bobby say?
Kat: He said he would shiver me loins next time we’re in the same town.
Rich: Yeah. You are an idiot and Leon are done.
Kat: But I was drunk and I told Booty the next day that I was drunk when I sent that stuff.
Rich: It’s too late, you done put the bug in his ear and he’s ready to put his ship in your dock next time he’s in town. Don’t let Leon be a sucka. Please.
Kat: Sigh…but Leon is such a nice…
Rich: Call it quits amiga.lol. You been dodging him more than an escaped con dodges helicopters and hound dogs. All your other girls are single and sleeping their way through the summer and you wanna join in the Sex in the City festivities. I get it. Besides that, you already slept with me…but that didn’t count since it’s Sunday morning and we been friends for a while. Wait, don’t you have somewhere to be right now?
Kat: **Nods and clenches thighs then gets up and puts on church clothes**
I been pretty much gone from blogging for 3 weeks. Did you expect anything less from me?
Anyways, there’s a lot going on in this scenario and unfortunately most of it is based in truth. The shorter and less entertaining version of the scenario is that Kat was keeping Leon in the dark but not in the way he’d like. Her mind had been wandering elsewhere and she had already committed shady acts. Over the past few months, Kat had been complaining more and more about her dynamics with Leon until it reached the climax culmination point in the conversation above. And now thanks to her selfishness, Leon is officially a sucka. Poor Leon. Bless his heart.
So in an effort to preserve the respectability of both parties, I’ve put together a brief list of signs you need to call it quits or try to fix before someone becomes a sucker…or really gets their feelings hurt. I tell ya. That guy Leon.
You just stop answering the phone when she/he calls.
When it gets to a point you just ignore the SO’s calls for no better reason than “I can’t stand this dude/chick,” it’s time to make a crucial decision. It’s even more crucial if you don’t answer because you’re talking to an interest that’s trying to pledge your pants down. It’s extremely critically crucial if they’re laying there nude next to you. If I told you that a girl once drove 3-4 hours to see me while she had a man and phoned him from my bed, would you believe me?
When you bout to go out with the SO and someone tells you to have fun and you say “small chance” or some variation thereof.
Yeah. When you start dreading hanging out with the boo, it’s time to pull the butt plug.
When getting wet/rising to the occasion becomes a chore.
This may not apply to folks that been together for years in marriage and ish. However, if you’re my age and you have to find the energy to engage in coitus at least once a month, it’s bout to be a wrap unless you got a real chemical imbalance or you just been through a traumatic experience. For those not playing naked locksmith, substitute f*ckin’ with something else that leads to a release.
Per the scenario above, when you start crossing the line while drunk.
Alcohol warms the loins. When you start drunk texting old flames and people other than your boo about rolling around in the nude together, your mind is already gone. When you sober up, you got some real decisions to make. If you do meet up with that flame, don’t confess to your SO by doing an Emilio (Jersey Shore fans will understand.lol.)
When you’re cool not seeing your boo for a month or longer even though it aint really long distance.
Somebody’s probably creeping at this point.
So yeah, that’s my list. What do you think of the points I noted? Do you have any additions or subtractions? Do you really think I slept with that girl who came to visit? You don’t really have to answer that last one.
iQuit for the Win Sometimes,