"I know I'll figure out what's wrong with him if I just keep digging!!!"
Noreinne: Hey, I think Marcus from last night is feeling you.
Joshilindisha: Who?
Nor: You know, the tall dark skin brother from last night?
Jo: Girl please? He probably got a kid!
Nor: Nope. He has no kids.
Jo: Please, so he knows how to use a condom. He probably has commitment issues!
Nor: Naw. Allen gave me the info, and he is very much a settle down and care for my woman type of guy.
Jo: Uh huh. Most garbage men are like that.
Nor: He is a non-profit attorney and children rights advocate. He talks about the rewarding work, healthy salary, and great life/work balance.
Jo: Yeah yeah … but he probably usually dates white women.
Nor: He wrote an open letter that was printed in Essence about his love for black women and how it strengthens the race.
Jo: Hates his mama?
Nor: Just bought her a house.
Jo: Whatever. Probably all flashy with an expensive car.
Nor: He drives a civic.
Jo: See girl, I knew you was trying to set me up! What do I look like riding around in a civic?!?!?
Nor: *sighs* So the civic is a dealbreaker?
Jo: Hell yeah. And that’s why I’m single. Ain’t no good men out here.
Much props to Noreinne for not slapping the black off of Joshilindisha, whose name is a living testament to why we need more books in black schools.
Before I say anything else … don’t let the example fool you. Men do this same dumb sh*t and just as often:
“Dawg, you said she chews her gum with her mouth open”
“So you said her booty isn’t as firm as Beyonce’s?”
“Man, how you gonna try and set me up with a girl with no french manicure!!!”
“Sheeeeeet, when I woke up and saw her toes I rolled out of the bed with the quickness!”
“Negro, she plans to get married before she dies!?! Naw son, I ain’t going after your thirsty friend”
Yes, there is a tendency among too many people to keep digging and digging until they can find some small annoyance that they can use as justification to stop talking to someone. Something that is far from a dealbreaker, doesn’t make them a worst person, and really is on some petty sh*. Then, they claim that the problem is with the opposite sex. Either there are no good men or all the women out here want too much. Naw … you’re just stupid.
Anytime you start dating someone, talking to them “romantically”, or decide to smash them off properly (as in not half assedly) decide to give them any significant chunk of you’re time … you need to look out for a few things. You need to start your due diligence. You need to find out enough about this person to establish a level of “intimacy” (casual f*, FwB, Potential BF/GF, or Potential Marriage Partner) that you are comfortable with. But … if you don’t find sh*t … stop searching. If the background check came back clear, the blood work was all negative, the interviews with his/her exes was good, and none of you’re boys skeeted on her face none of your friends have been intimate with them … let it go. Enjoy the fact that you might just have found something good … and stop digging.
I’m not saying don’t stay on your toes. I mean … stuff comes up later. But let it bubble up … all sh*t rises to the surface.
And if you do find something, please let it be a real dealbreaker (remember, you shouldn’t have more than 3). Don’t let this person go because they disagree with Obama’s foreign policy. Don’t drop them because they thought Jerry Curl’s were hot 15 years ago. Don’t cut them because they pick their nose.
As someone who has dug hard for much of his life … I speak to you as a convert.
Have you found yourself looking for a perfect man/woman’s fatal flaw? Are your friends unwilling to hear about potential new mates because they are too busy looking for something wrong? Or maybe I just got it all f*’d up … any diggers out there willing to defend they sh*?
SBM aka “I threw away my shovel” aka “I’m gonna just enjoy this daily bomb head until they f* up and stop troubling myself”
Have you found yourself looking for a perfect man/woman’s fatal flaw?
^^^yes, when my spidey senses started tingling.
Are your friends unwilling to hear about potential new mates because they are too busy looking for something wrong?
^^^Yup, and it gets annoying after a while.
Or maybe I just got it all f*’d up … any diggers out there willing to defend they sh*?
^^^I have done some digging before but as i said before, my spidey senses started tingling & red flags went up and more times than not, i was right. The only time i've digged like in the examples is if i have never met the person & someone is callin' themselves tryin to play cupid (i hate that ish).
If i get the right vibes off of the person, i will get to know them.
Great post!
This is so on point. All too often we let go of something great because we focus on the little, insignificant things.
(Sigh) Ok…so I might have kicked a couple to the curb because they bit their nails or were down with Team S-Curl (like three years ago, LOL)…SUE ME.
I give myself a pass because maybe, a) the Pipe needed a couple more inches to reach from A to O (oohhhhhh) b) I really didn't want to settle down with dude AKA "wasn't really my speed anyway" and c) that dumb ish was the straw that broke the camel's back.
I wouldn't necessarily call myself a digger either. Digging is for jaded skeptics. No man or woman is exempt from that type of side-eye giver! I just make excuses based on the foolishness I see and use it as a base to jump ship.
Oh!! AND NOSE PICKING IS A "HELL NAW"!! DealBreaker.com. I'm sorry. This post should be dedicate to all nose pickers out there over the age of 7. "STOP DIGGING!"
i have alot of mucus …leave me alone!
If I'm digging in my nose it's because I'm bored with this chick and I'm about to wipe a booger on that B!tch, fart take a shot of tequila and run out without paying the bill.
I do often dig out flaws in potential mates. I'm trying to stop. The first step is admitting you have a problem, lol.
Guilty…but actively working on it. I have a few really good friends that call me out about it and challenge me when they think it's BS.
I'm down with a civic though. They're economical. She's trippin.
LOL! I was highly amused..but, it's true though….but, let me just ask the question on everybody's mind…..Why is Marcus still single if he's so dayum perfect?
But, I get it what you are trying to achieve with this post…I've never been quite like Joshilindisha…but, I have had my moments…..
Marcus is only single by definition, in real life he has like 3 women that he's actively sleeping with. Each of which has some fatal flaw that is preventing them from being worthy of the committed relationship he seeks. All of them are doing their best, "tryna get chose" (RIP PimpC). Eventually, they'll wonder why Marcus doesn't call anymore, then sometime later they'll get a wedding invitation out of the blue.
Joshy will either be the 4th player on the team, or she could be the one. But, her name is kind of a deal breaker… "Good to meet you, this is my wife Joshilindisha" just doesn't roll of the tounge so well.
Wow! I have been reading the blogs for over 8 months now and feel compelled to comment on this one…
I agree with this post. We need to stop it! I am guilty of picking it apart, but I too, am working on it. Im in a relationship with a great guy. He is" doing me" right and we are having fun!!!! What's the problem? right?
"Enjoy that you have found something good…and stop digging"
I will…my brothers…I will. Thanks for this post.
Interesting post indeed!
So many learn this too late. They end up old…alone… and BITTER! I had to stop this madness years ago.
Caught red handed. A work in progress here with a fear of failure and utter embarassment given i select the wrong guy. Clearly no one is perfect.
Negro, she plans to get married before she dies!?! Naw son, I ain’t going after your thirsty friend”
*smhlol*
Comical…. Good Post
I don't normally comment on your post, buts, I had to comment on this one. Because of my bad past relationships, I started digging. Even though I'm trying to retire my shovel, it's not easy (really).
First & forremost, why do the females in your examples always have THEE most ghetto-fab names ev-ah?! LOL. The men are Marcus & Allen but we get Joshilindisha. Really? -__-
Second, I had to go to other post about 3 dealbreakers. That was a good one. Which subsequently lead me to the post on quality women. All good material. *Clap clap bravo*
Have you found yourself looking for a perfect man/woman’s fatal flaw?
– Nope. I wish I could find the perfect man. LOL. Eff his flaws. I'm really open & trusting. I think I'd probably be more like the Noreinne in your story. My I do have a couple of professional diggers for friends.
Are your friends unwilling to hear about potential new mates because they are too busy looking for something wrong?
– Only a few… one or two may ask, what's wrong w/ him? But if you reply 'nothing.' They are inclined to believe you. Sometimes I think digging is a byproduct of being screwed over in a relationship of the past, because we really haven't had that happen we don't see the need to dig.
Good post.
This is an excellent post. A couple years ago my best friend started talking to this guy and she said to me after a few dates: "I prayed and promised myself that I wouldn't get hung up on the insignificant, but to try to focus on the great, amazing qualities that I'm beginning to see in him."
They are now married 🙂
After just taking an impromptu shower…and wiping his azz with my decorative towels mind you…he proceeded to come down to my living room…have a seat…and clip his TOE NAILS. After having snapped on said man, he promptly responded that A: he was unaware that those towels were "special", and B: he caught the toe clippings in his hand. WTF? Now…I don't really consider it "digging" to give his no home training azz the boot…I like to call it…crossing- my- pet- peeve- line.
And yes…when bringing up a new prospective date to a certain friend of mine…her immediate first response is…wth is wrong with him? LMAO
So you rather him be funkin' and clawing you up in bed w/ his talons? Now, had you laid out the non decorative towels and wash cloths in case he decided to shower, there would be no issue. I blame you.
lmao…uhmmm no…First of all there was a reason why I said "IMPROMPTU"…I was making dinner…and therefore didn't know what he was doing upstairs…IF I HAD KNOWN I would've kindly laid out towels for him to use SIR. Secondly…the TOES…good lord…he WAS IN THE DAMN BATHROOM and came OUT and DOWN to clip them. That is disgusting as well as disturbing to me. It's proper etiquette to do your grooming in the bathroom…to ME. Also…side note on the toes (clearly this is an issue for me) He FLEW in to see me…therefore he knew WELL in advance he was coming…so he should've taken care of the claws before flying in. yuck
I refuse to take the blame…not so much.
Duly noted, but I'm still going to blame you.
lol *duckin blame*
there are no perfect people. we are with flaws. the sooner people realize that as much as we put of with people's shortcomings they are putting up with ours, the better off they will be.
I agree with you. Everyone is crazy, just make sure its the kind of crazy you can live with. I am a digger, but I'd rather know up front your disfucntion. But these petty things that are dealbreakers are crazy to me. A good man can drive a civic
btw
Hilarious post! I too wonder where you get this ghetto fabulous names from?
Learned this lesson recently myself. In the past it became a rush to see all the things I could uncover. Over the last two years I became more focused on connecting and exploring than searching.
Lol… the grass always seems greener somewhere else but that's only bcos u haven’t dug that other patch up yet…truth is if u dig, u will find some kind of dirt! we're all human (with warts and all). at the end of day some of these filters we use are pointless…especially if u're screening out someone that could potentially bring out the best in you and vice versa… it’s more important to look at if you have similar goals…if your approaches to life are compatible…. if together u can achieve yours dreams together or at least have fun trying to get there….
Sometimes you just have to stop digging and lay some roots…cos some serious life storms are gonna hit u whoever u're with…people need to understand that it's best to be with someone you can weather both the good and the bad times with
p.s
that civic thing cant be a deal breaker…it just cant…it makes no sense…it’s not dirt, it’s greed…. maybe the problem is we're more a now generation…we want it ALL and we want it NOW…i'd rather start with a civic guy with the potential to afford that bmw in the future (thru hard graft and discipline) than some irresponsible flashy $od that’ll looses it all in a couple of years
Excellent.
in my younger years I was a digger. Once you get a worldy view of situations, you realize your close minded ness and do better.
No need to dig because not too much sets me off, but we all have our "things" feel me?
Cosign with Tunde and Shubbys points too
I've been reading for a while, but never posted. This was well written, I actually had this conversation this weekend. I'm hosting "Dating Round Tables" in my city and the next one is on "What is your definition of a Good woman/Good man?" The funny thing is we all have flaws, but men and women define flaws differently. At the end of the day many of us will dig so much that we search for something better, when there was really nothing better… or best was in front of us. Stop thinking you can do better! Maybe you can't.
If someone can see your value and match it, and is willing to stop doing the things that make you cringe (in a bad way like popping gum or not putting the toilet seat down, not breaking your back), then they're a keeper!
I'm intrigued by your handle.
Can you be bourgie and a Pan Afrikanist at the same time.
Not sure – might be a deal breaker though. lol… j/k.
I picked and picked and picked until I had to just stop and look at the big picture: does he work, is he nice, will he make a good father/is he a good father, do I like being around him, am I physically attracted to him, and does he love God?
Found someone who could answer "yes" to the important criteria, married him, and I realize now that I couldn't pick this man apart because in the end HE HAD NO DEAL BREAKERS!
I said all of that to say…unless a woman has mental problems, she won't pass up a good man based on BS.
So is he full of bs or do you have mental problems? 🙂
A girl I know who happens to be a 3 was dating a handsome guy. He had a nice job, house and she said their personalities matched. BUT he wasn't in the spiritual level, aka up in church every other day, so she wasn't into him. GTFO!
"BUT he wasn’t in the spiritual level, aka up in church every other day, so she wasn’t into him. GTFO!"
Well for a lot of church/tabernacle/synagoguemongers finding another mate who attends chuuch every other day on the regular like themselves CAN BE a huge dealbreaker for them. *toeachhis/herown*
*shrug*
Diggin' on you by TLC started playing in my mind when i saw the title again…that was #random but i still felt the need to say it! #carryon lol
I just completed reading the article.
There's two types of people in this world, there's people who when you deal with them you start off with an A, and then there's people who you start off with an F.
Most people are somewhere in the middle at our age. So we have 40-point inspections.
This is also why men date younger women.
The end.
On a random note, have you ever tried digging on yourself? I do from time to time check on DontDateHimGirl.com to make sure I didn't get put up there. I Google myself and see what I can find. I send out chickbots to talk to women to see what the good word is on the streets about me. I even get my credit report monthly. (And on the low, I have it set up so that if someone asks for my credit report, I get a message.) Once a year I check with all my ex-flames, girlfriends, bottom heffers, and midgets to get a 360 Feedback Form completed. When a chick comes up to me and is like, guess what I found out, i'm like nothing I haven't.
This is also how I found out I had a girlfriend one time and didn't even know it. I also found out that I had fathered a kid in Switzerland.
I also found out that I had fathered a kid in Switzerland.
^^^I'm so done with you Dr.J!
I think what I'm guilty of is looking at someone's flaw and saying "it's ok" "we'll be fine" and then after being a relationship deciding that the one thing I said was ok is making me want to commit manslaughter.
I've tried to err on the side of being too choosy…. i figure that when I'm not choosy enough- time will take care of that issue.
First, Nice site you guys have, very interesting and informative. I have been an ardent reader…and this is my commenting debut.
In my opinion, some people dig because of insecurities and commitment issue. Whenever someone gives me a flimsy excuse for not dating someone, I can always link their reason to their insecurity. Most people that I know as pathological diggers are the most commitment-phobic people I've ever met.
That being said, crazy people do exist and I can personally attest to that. Everyone has a BS tolerance level and if you feel that someone has so much BS that your BS meter is in red then by all means, kick 'em out but if the person is only doing something that can be easily corrected, just tell them.
No one is perfect and the one you are with who seems "perfect" had to learn or probable was taught by someone else. Everyone is a work in progress and we wont get far without helping each other.
Yup. I'm gonna go ahead and say this one of my top ten blogs right now. Great post!
She wouldn't date a man that drives Civic…lol…that's hilarious since they are very good cars.
This is a trick post ya'll, nobody's perfect.
And if they were why would they want YOU!!!
Enjoyed this Article!
Very true. sometimes people spend so much time WAITING for that BALL to drop or the RED FLAG to pop up and bam… It never doesn't and you're disapointed but YOU JUST KNEW there was something.
Sometimes – we just have to know that its okay to have it not be 100% perfect!
Thanks for the post!
I actually have three dealbreakers with women that will get them passed on…..
1. Any lesbian/bisexual activity in their past—I know I might catch some heat for this one, but in my line of work (military), that ish is running RAMPANT….I can't date/commit to/wife up a female knowing that she isn't 100 percent interested in men. That is now unfortunately one of the first things I need to know about a woman when I'm even thinking about approaching her. I don't judge people for their preferences, I just know that those types are not going to sit well with me.
2. Loose women….I'm talking loose like bowels when you got the flu…..I am very much on the conservative side when it comes to sex…..I can't deal with a woman that probably has had more partners than a bad spades player. Again, not judging (and not saying I'm looking for a virgin), just speaking on what I know about myself. Blame the military again for this one. Seems like about 65 percent of women here don't want a man and about 25 percent of them want and have had ALL the men. *Shrugs*
3. No Job/No Ambition to get a job…..etc.—-As much crap as women give lazy, shiftless men (and ironically, as much attention as these men get from women anyway), I prefer a woman that is at least pulling her own weight. She doesn't have to be rich or even working the job she wants to be in long-term…..But as long as her job is legit, I'm good. (And no, stripping does not count. See #1 and #2 for validation.) I mean….she had to have been supporting herself before she met me, right?