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You Aren’t the Only One

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Are you one?

Some people say that honesty is the best policy. I completely disagree…usually. Sometimes you really just need to lie your a$$ off. There’s no ifs, ands, or buts about this one. We often make the mistake of asking questions that we really don’t wanna know the answer to. I’ve done it before and ended up pushing the car into the lake learned the hard way to not ask about certain things ever again. But see, answering questions when asked is one thing. Volunteering information that could have been left unsaid without being asked is something else. Volunteering information that allows someone to make an informed decision about if they want to stick around with you is just the right thing to do.

I was sitting unproductively at work doing a group gchat. One acquaintance was talking about how she was dating multiple people. Each man had his purpose. Whether she took the pumpington from more than one of them, I don’t know and didn’t dare to ask. Perhaps one dude was there to utilize his face, while another was there to provide the Magnum jackhammer, while another was there to provide discounts and VIP access to select upscale NYC locales. Who knows?

Regardless, the polarization of the sexes in this group chat quickly occurred when she asked if she should tell each of the dudes that she was seeing other people. Now let me be clear. I’m all for being on the same page with a coital pal. I also believe in not being a Simp at all costs. The only way to avoid being the Simp who agrees to date a woman who tells him she’s seeing multiple people is to beat/hit/pummel/pipe and then repeat this process with multiple other women. If he is not beating, he’s a sucka. If he is beating, at least he’s getting something out of the situation. Quality time with a beautiful woman does not apply here. But I digress…sorta.

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To answer her question, I suggested she tell the men upfront in an effort to allow those who were in danger of becoming the Simp to save themselves. Of course one of the women in the discussion quickly said that she shouldn’t tell any of them anything and should just keep “doing her.” She went on to explain that men don’t like knowing they aren’t the only one (partly accurate). Therefore, she needed to preserve their ignorance. I was shocked and appalled in a very manly way. Another woman tried to say that men do this all the time and that it’s no different than a guy having a starting line up of women. More shock and appall.

But it is different.

I know too many men that have a line up of women that know about each other to some degree, but don’t care. The man can literally tell them that they ain’t the only ones, and a lot of times they will stay there because of “the understanding.” And no, these aren’t always low self-esteem and desperate chicks. I’ve had female friends (quite respectable folks) be completely comfy in their role. Do I know any dudes that are content being one of a few dudes? Eh, only if they’re beating. And at that, they prolly don’t respect her that much. So about this situation…

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Should the chick tell each of the dudes that they aren’t the only ones and risk dissolving her “starting line up”? Does this issue really go equally both ways? Do you think that having a starting line up is doing too much? Anything else? Speak it.

Ask and I’ll Tell Ya,

Comment(142)

  1. Obviously Ms.Chick SHOULD tell "starting lineup" aka "Mr. Magnum, Mr. Club Promoter, Mr. Intellectual, Mr. Fix-It and Mr. Sponsor that she got "side moves" goin on.

    But she wont. she'd hate to lose these men, even one of them, She might tell Mr. Magnum, because odds are he probably dont care…he comes by, drops it off in her draws, and goes back to his Playstation 3 (yall know the new John Madden just came out, right?)

    if shes afraid to tell any of them out of some type of "ignorance is bliss" mentality, then its safe to say she messin with a Symp, or a cluster of them.

    Common sense tells me that more than one of them boys is knocking the bottom out, but thats hypothetically "IMO".

    why do women mess with Symps? well, youd have to ask them. but any man that dont wanna know the truth, is probably just "happy to be in the mix", and therefore LAME.

    having a starting line-up…is it bad? no…but I do think that its the result of fear…nobody wants to be the one getting played…but I wonder how Ms. Chick would feel if she knew she was in someone else's rotation.

    personally…I'll give you half of my sandwich, loan you 200 dollars…but some things in life, I just dont wanna share. but thats me.

    1. I disagree with your point of her being afraid to tell them b/c of ignorance and that meaning that they are simps.

      If the men were simps or a cluster of them — she would have nothing to fear by telling them… a simp wouldn't leave the situation. He'd keep on keepin on thinking that he could win her over by puttin in more work then the other dudes.

      #thatisall

      1. "she would have nothing to fear by telling them… a simp wouldn’t leave the situation."

        Correction: A simp wouldn't expect her to "do her" and wouldn't be "doing him" in a clearly non-exclusive situation.

      2. good point…but the whole "ignorance is bliss" is a woman thinking "he dont really wanna know so I wont tell him", like they evading the truth to do that man a favor. and I wholeheartedly agree that some men do roll like that. but I just think those men are SIMPS. I know a lot of women that also hide the truth of the matter because they afraid of losing whatever fringe benefits that they recieve from said player.

  2. She should hush her lips.

    I do feel like some guys just don't want to know that they're part of "a few". Ignorance is truly bliss. I tried to tell my Mr. Pumpington that someone else was cute & he and i could be talking soon but this aggin spazzed like "don't tell me abt no other n!gga unless I ask" (cuz you're really gonna ask -_-) made me ask, how the HELL are you mad like you want something from me? Should have state your intentions from jump fool @ss.

  3. i think she should tell them that way any guy who doesnt want to be a part of it can get out of the situation but then again she shouldnt tell them if she doesnt want to risk losing any of them but it doesnt sound too serious like she would care though

    something similar just happen to me and this guy i used to date but we were kind of still involved but had an understanding about seeing other people because life has to go on and we both know that

    but we kind of got into it and i was supposed to come see him for his bday and he went on to say how i was replaceable and i was like show me and then today he was high and talking crazy after he asked was i seeing anybody and i told him yeah one guy and he started his rant and was like i want everybody too i want lisa and katherine,carrie and sabrina and so on and so on

    but youre umber one though and that didnt sit well with me at all im not okay with being in a line up of women or whatever

    i see how it could work in a way for someone but for me personally i couldnt do it i care about other peoples feelings too much and im trying something like this now with two guys one of them knows about the other but i dont like the repetitive process of getting to know more than one person at a time and trying to make time for people without stepping on toes this isnt for me and i feel iike i should be exclusive and everyone shouldnt have access but im feeling bitter so i think she should keep doing what shes doing as long as she doesnt hurt anyone

  4. Why should she tell them? Is she in a committed relationship? No. Is she married? No. I think, she should keep it to herself….and just try to narrow down the starter players to at least one fella…and do it post haste. Even sport's teams cut players based on performance. So, she should start cutting some of these dudes..there is no need to have this many men around….unless you are the type to play games..or have a desperate need to be the center of attention from alot of men. Not that I'm judging but it reeks of griminess to me. Women definitely cannot get away with everything a man does…this is one instance where this cannot work for her for very long and if one or more dudes find out she could lose out…they may hang around for s*x but all respect will be lost…the men are just going to assume she is having s*x with all of the guys…even if she isn't.

  5. If she is sleeping with them, then she should tell them. Not to spare feelings, but because letting your partner(s) know that you are actively involved with other people is just the responsible thing to do.

    When you fill out a form, the two choices are "married" or "single" (sometimes "divorced") so assume the person you are dealing with has more than just you, ESPECIALLY if you are kicking it with more than one "male friend"

    If dudes can't handle it, then they don't need to be in the circle, just that simple.

    1. If she is sleeping with them, then she should tell them. Not to spare feelings, but because letting your partner(s) know that you are actively involved with other people is just the responsible thing to do.

      Amen.

      1. *throws a $5 in the collection plate*

        If we're sexually involved, we both deserve to know what other "activities" the other may be partaking in. No negotation with that. And I don't think one should have to ask this information…it should be volunteered.

        If no sex is involved, then it would be NICE to know the other parties intentions, if they are dating other people, etc.

        But this is a luxury many of us aren't afforded as the average person is always trying to figure out how much they can get away w/ until sh*t falls apart

  6. Aight so… as a woman who has had her share of starting line-ups back in the day, this post rings close to home. Lol.

    Why on Earth would you tell them? I mean you aren't dating them 'exclusively' or looking for commitment I gather so I see no need to bite the hand that feeds you. Secondly, I give all men the impression that they may not be the only one when we begin our rendezvous. Even if I really don't have another person I'm interested in at the moment, someone else may come along. & if I'm not committed to you there is no reason why I can't (pumpington and thronx sessions excluded) explore that option. For me, that's why dating exclusively is a big deal. I'm formally letting you know that I (or we) have given up the right to go exploring other options at my/our own pleasure(s). If I am dating you & another option becomes available that I'd like to persue at that point I have to let you know before checking out the situation.

  7. Honestly I feel like this unless I am married/engaged or wifey to someone I am not obligated to divulge that information to anyone now with that being said, I alwayz take the "let's take it slow approach" and I will let them know that upfront BUT at that point it's crucial and totally up to him to inquire further into what I mean by this and IF/WHEN they don't then it's safe to assume he already got the playbook and is ready to dress for the playoffs.

  8. I'm not saying ole'girl gotta divulge all of her business. But I think it's fair that she makes her intentions clear. She doesn't have to say "Yeah, I'm dating 5 other dudes and smashing one of them on the reg". But she can let them know she's not looking for anything serious…weighing her options…something.

    B/c if the shoe was on the other foot…and you're dating a guy…thinking things are moving along towards relationship status, only to find out you were the 6th man…I'm sure there would be a little Lawry's on the pallet

  9. She shouldn’t have to say a word because you don’t owe a jumpoff anything other than safe xes. If that’s not his girl, the starters should assume that they aren’t exclusive. And if a man is so clueless that he doesn’t know that his female friend is being stuffed by four other dudes, then let ignorance be bliss. Until he tells her, “I choose you” (noRalphWiggim), her other coital rendezvous are her business.

    What exactly would happen if she told them? Is he going to get into his feelings? For what reason? Is he going to turn down easy poon? Not likely. Is he going to look like a sucker because his jumpoff is sleeping around? No. So what's the point?

  10. Hmmm….I'm still formulating my complete thoughts on this, but for the time being and reserve the right to change my mind after this process is complete.

    My initial thoughts are these: If we're getting it in with no commitment and no expectations and all parties acknowledge and agree to this arrangement, then I automatically assume that the guy is also has others on the team. Therefore, I'm going in it with the knowledge that there's a STRONG possibility that I'm not the only one. That being the case, no, keep your mouth shut, UNLESS he asks.

    If there is nothing going down between us, then I'm still assuming he's putting it down somewhere, but that's of no consequence to me and whatever he's providing (other than the D) is worth it to keep my mouth shut.

    IF I have expectations of dude and want it to be more than that, then I may hint around to let him know he MIGHT not be the only one, so he needs to step up or step off. (that could backfire) IDK…I'm still formulating…back soon

  11. as a man i would want to know if i'm not the only dude you're seeing. that way i would know how much to invest into you financially and emotionally. i wouldn't lose any respect for you. i never understood how in the black community it's shunned for people to date more than one person at a time. what ever happened to keeping your options open? if you start to develop deeper feeling for a person then why not just discuss and then make a decision to move on from there.

    on the flip side i've told plenty of women that i had to plans on stop seeing other women and they were cool with that. were they dating other dudes? probably. did they come clean with me? nope. smh. not that i would ever ask. if you don't have the nerve to tell me then i guess you feel like i shouldn't know. trust there are always tell tale signs though. women aren't as slick as they claim to be.

    1. "as a man i would want to know if i’m not the only dude you’re seeing. that way i would know how much to invest into you financially and emotionally."

      c/s this right here. hell as a woman I want to know too (in regards to finances), it's not just a man thing.

      "did they come clean with me?'

      And that statement right thurr sums up how I feel. Folks are on some "ask and I'll tell". Yeah effing right. If you're kee-kee'ing it up w/ several different dudes/women…you're gonna risk having this chick/dude who provides *insert personal benefit here* chuck the deuces when you have a plush situation set up.

      I doubt it.

    2. You are so right, why do our people think its NOT ok to date other people? yet we all keep other people on the side??

      I'm young, single and exploring options, so how can I not expect all the other ladies out there to do the same?

      Be grown and be honest. It saves headaches down the road…

      1. Yeah, I don't know the "whys" but I def agree with the fact that we aren't "raised" to date. Most of the white girls I know, date with a finesse that is like no other.

        Me personally, I've never date multiple dudes at once. Seems like too much of a headache, IMO. Plus, I haven't come across many dudes who know how to date themselves….

        1. That's exactly what I was thinking. To me, it's just way too complicated to date more than one person at a time. Hell, one dude's drama is more than enough for me at any given moment, let alone 2 or 3.

    3. women aren’t as slick as they claim to be.

      Let us not forget that women are clearly the better liars/deceivers. Most likely, if you have an inkling that a woman is seeing other people, it's clearly b/c she either wanted you to know or could care less if you knew.

      1. if you say so. let's dispel that myth right now. women act like all women know how to lie. they don't. some men are better liars than women. some women are better liars than men. it's really all about the person. women can be sloppy pimps too.

      2. Hide Yo' Husbands!!: "Let us not forget that women are clearly the better liars/deceivers. Most likely, if you have an inkling that a woman is seeing other people, it’s clearly b/c she either wanted you to know or could care less if you knew."

        Being a better liar doesn't mean that another person can't detect the lie.

  12. The only information I'll volunteer is the statement: "I'm not looking for a relationship/commitment right now." Then let them put the rest of the pieces together for themselves. That's all I think one is required to say. It shows your intentions without giving them extra information since anything that happens outside of you & them is none of their business.

  13. She shouldn't tell him anything. And men don't just volunteer that info as you imply in the post. Men and women shouldn't assume they are the only one until it has been talked about and there was a "meeting of the minds" of both people. Women assume that they are the only ones because it makes them feel better. And guess what? It sounds like men do too… Don't assume and both people can do as they please. You don't each other exclusivity (not just sexually, etc) until you agree to it.

    Regarding the starting line up, I have been told by older and wiser women that dating one person without a commitment is stupid. Why limit yourself? That doesn't mean sex every dude you are spending time with, but I don't think there is anything wrong with seeing multiple people at the same time. Until he or she asks, they don't know, and you don't owe it to them to tell them until the dynamic of the relationship changes. That's when all the volunteering information technicalities come into play.

    1. "dating one person without a commitment is stupid. Why limit yourself? That doesn’t mean sex every dude you are spending time with, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with seeing multiple people at the same time."

      I agree with that and maybe because I am older.

      Why commit to a man who is not committed to you? Doesn't make sense.

  14. hmmmm, perhaps she shouldn't tell any of the men about the "starting lineup"…that way when someone develops a mysterious questionable rash of some sort, pops up pregnant, develops feelings, etc etc. It will just things that more interesting…..

  15. Because in most cases dating = ufking. Remember Stomp the Yard…..Southern ladies don't date….we have boyfriends.

    Now I will admit I think it is good to date to learn what you really like. But the truth is…how much dating can you do before you end up in bed together. And how many guys are actually on a platonic date? For most dudes a platonic date means " I'm in no hurry to bone you…this is a long term investment. But eventually I'll bone you."

    So I mean, it's a thin line between dating and being a prolific [email protected] Like I said before…how many dates can a women go on before, at the very least, the perception is that she is effing a lot of dudes.

    But this is a whole other topic here. I mean pastors preach sermons on this one. Example: Why date someone you would never marry?

    I'll just let that marinate……

    1. Marination (yes, I made that up) complete.

      Well I don't know the type of females you deal w/ to make the generalization so I can't say if you are off base or not I can only use my experiences & my friends… most of the time dating ≠ flucking. Dating means just that. How many dates can you have before a dude thinks he gon fluck? Idk. But the reason for a starting line-up to examine the type of dude he is in a non-committed way before deciding if you like him enough to stick around & vice versa.

      Now there may be a perception (by whom I don't know) that she is flucking all these men but I don't deal w/ other people's reality. If you wanna know… ask.

      I date b/c I don't know rather or not I want to marry him.

      The dates are between the beginning (I just met him) & the end (I can't stand him).

      1. It depends on your definition of IS…I mean DATING. 🙂

        Most dudes do the math: 3 dates, no sex — BOUNCE. Or, I spent X amount of dollars, no sex — BOUNCE.

        So when a man thinks of dating, unless a woman is only having 1 or 2 dates per men, then we're estimating the body blows….body blow…#knockout!

    2. I dont think it's fair to assume she's boinking a lot of dudes after X amount of dates.

      I agree w/ SoFlyy…you date to see if they are marriage potential. Perhaps it should be more like "why be in a long term relationship with someone you wouldn't marry?"

    3. Yeah J, I'm seeing the point here.

      People take it to the sheets pretty quickly nowadays.lol. And if it doesn't happen after whatever amount of time, someone usually raises an eyebrow or gets antsy. So yeah, sometimes dating really is just a means to the draws with a bit of "Maybe I kinda like 'em".

      As I've gotten older, this whole process has changed in my mind. If I'm not one night hunting, which I'm usually not, I try to assess a lot of long term stuff upfront to see if the "dating" even makes sense. Umm, I need lunch. Bye.

  16. Men like to know that they are the only one. For some reason men can't even bare the idea that his woman was plucked by another man and some will punish you for it (been there). She should just keep her mouth shut and let them live in their happy worlds. As long as she isn't telling them horrible truths she's in the clear. That is till one of them finds out and comes out swinging.

    Tiffany

    Peace, Love and Chocolate

  17. I won't volunteer any information unless sex is part of the equation, which is unlikely. I'm not going to be sleeping with more than one person within a specific time period (seen one too many WTD s/l's on soaps), much less at the same time.

    That said, if you ask, I'm not lying. If he couldn't handle that I'm dating more than one person (which I'm sure he would be too), then that really sounds like a personal problem. However, I'm not one to really date more than one person at a time either. At one point, I was "talking" to a few guys, but that got exhausting.

  18. Should the chick tell each of the dudes that they aren’t the only ones and risk dissolving her “starting line up”?

    ^^^She could try but if any aren't gettin any but figure out that others are, they may just bounce!

    Does this issue really go equally both ways?

    ^^^I don't think it is equal because of double standards.

    Do you think that having a starting line up is doing too much?

    ^^^Yup because its extra to juggle & keep up with, especially if they don't know they are in a line up & slip up and say something that one of the others would know about. It's not quite my thing…and if i was ever to be one in a line up, i'd remove myself, i will not jeopardize my health..to each, their own. *shrug*

  19. When I’m looking for a job, I don’t go broadcasting it to everyone I’m applying with or interviewing with. I also do go broadcasting it to my current employer. This woman isn’t married to any of these men. Why does she owe them some extra level of honesty. More importantly, did any of them ask? If they didn’t ask, they don’t want to know.

  20. this is dating not a relationship- if i get taken out to dinner 5 days a week and you’re the 6th- that’s how things roll.

    Now multiple boyfriends- speak up. Multiple sex partners- speak up. Multiple simps? hands down, shut up.

  21. If we haven’t had the exclusivity talk then I assume he’s seeing other people and he knows I am too. So I see no reason to volunteer the information. I’ll answer honestly if asked but otherwise I’m keeping my business to myself.

  22. i say she should remain silent about it. however, that doesn’t give her license to give false hope, i.e. hinting towards committment and/or telling one of the dudes he’s the only one….that’s how you start drama.

    most self-respecting dudes are fine with being on a “team” as long as they
    1) aren’t looking for a relationship (now we have an out #win),
    2) aren’t spending too much money, and
    3) are getting laid/blowed at their convenience

    #shoutout to jumpoffs and FWB’s

    if a dude is fine being on a team without the above criteria, then like SoFlyy said it best, “he’s a simp”

    i have a feeling the women will disagree with my next statement, but i think men are a lot more aware of women’s serial dating habits then y’all give us credit for….please remember that WE have been doing this for years, our 10 year head start allows us to pick up on the subconscious signs given off from this lifestyle (usually because we got caught for the same thing earlier in life)

    so we usually have a feeling/hunch that we’re not the only one, but what’s the point in bringing it up if we have no proof. we’re just glad we’re smashing now and keep it as a “get outta jail/relationship free” card 🙂

    …and don’t forget ladies, we may be putting up with being on your team just so we can have a clear head when we COURT the woman we actually like

      1. haha, true, we do overplay that hand. but this one we can use without you telling all your friends what a**holes we are 🙂

        …not to mention we can use it to help rekindle the flame later down the road on some, "you know i liked you, but you were going through your pimpin' phase" + a few amaretto sours and a shot of patron = another win for team Carver

    1. "and don’t forget ladies, we may be putting up with being on your team just so we can have a clear head when we COURT the woman we actually like."

      check and mate. j/k but not really.

    2. and don’t forget ladies, we may be putting up with being on your team just so we can have a clear head when we COURT the woman we actually like

      Another perfect example as to why even bother divulging information

      #Carryon

    3. "and don’t forget ladies, we may be putting up with being on your team just so we can have a clear head when we COURT the woman we actually like"

      Another perfect example as to why even bother to voluntarily divulge information

      #Carryon

  23. Hmmm…. good topic!

    I don't know if I'd tell anyone that they're not my only starter, unless they start catching feelings. Other than that, there's no need to tell them that they're not the only ones.

    I know men can juggle several females at the same time, we can do it just as well, or probably even better. It's just when someone catches feelings that everything goes down south.

    *shrugs*

  24. Hear is a tip ladies….if a dude starts askin questions about your team….Is there a team? How many? Safe sex?…….Then chances are he is starting to develop some feelings for you.

    I don’t think you owe anybody any explainations unless they ask. But if they ask they derserve to hear the truth. And you probably need to reevalute the situation because people don’t ask those questions until they care?

    But anyway…..just thinking….at what point does having a team make you a [email protected] Cause rarely in my life have I dealt with multiple chicks at once. It’s just not in my DNA. At most I’ve juggled a main chick and a mistress. But teams of three, four and five. Boderline whorerrific.

      1. But remember I'm a man………if you tell me you deal with 5 dudes and only eff 1 of them…….I will assume you eff all of them or are keeping the others on reserve for future effing.

        Just a warning…..this is how men….correction…..smart men think.

        1. So what I am reading here is this: SOME MEN CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH no matter what she tells you in regards to her starting lineup and how many she is eff'ing you will automatically ASSUME it's more so why should a woman even bother giving up that information.

    1. "Hear is a tip ladies….if a dude starts askin questions about your team….Is there a team? How many? Safe sex?…….Then chances are he is starting to develop some feelings for you.

      I don’t think you owe anybody any explainations unless they ask. But if they ask they derserve to hear the truth. And you probably need to reevalute the situation because people don’t ask those questions until they care?"

      Co-sign….

    2. I agree with you. You don't owe anybody any explanations unless they ask. I have done the "team" thing, but it wasn't a conscious effort on my part. It was more so I was single, and I hung out with different guys for different things. Sometimes it was for easy conversation; sometimes it was to go out; sometimes it was cultural-type events.

      Honestly, I feel people do this with many of their friends, whether they are male/female. Everyone has his/her role. For example, the girls I go to lounges/clubs with isn't always the same people I go to poetry readings or to church.

      So back to the male friend/companion thing, as long as you aren't bonin' all of them, why not? You should not sleep with more than one person in a giving time period, I say minimum 2-3 months. As a woman, with all the risks, it just isn't worth it. When it gets to be more than 2 partners, that's just not cute.

      I feel there is nothing wrong with developing friendships and cultivating them accordingly; however, there is an issue when people do this solely to gain something from another. If she is doing this with the main goal to get something other than companionship/friendship from another, then she's just a user–and that goes both ways.

      I say respect yourself and the people in your life and it'll all work out accordingly …for the most part 🙂

      1. "You should not sleep with more than one person in a giving time period, I say minimum 2-3 months. As a woman, with all the risks, it just isn’t worth it. When it gets to be more than 2 partners, that’s just not cute."

        I know some liberal women who will vehemently disagree with this.lol. I, of course, agree.

        I like how you described the process as cultivating friendships. That's going to be my new way to describe dealing with multiples.haha. In all seriousness though, there is nothing wrong with meeting new people. However, if dude is clearly interested (which most women can easily recognize), then homie should know if he's coming off the bench or going out for the first play of the game.

    3. props to you J for this comment.

      but just to play devil's advocate…i personally ask these questions to see where she's at on the topic of dating multiple people…so that way i can start developing a possible "exit strategy"

      …if i like her and see potential to take things further, then i won't even ask those questions, because frankly i don't give a f**k about the competition #allidoiswin

    4. "I don’t think you owe anybody any explainations unless they ask. But if they ask they deserve to hear the truth"

      this is how I feel about most situations…

  25. ROFL at myself…..I was just thinking…….Go ask your moms and grandmoms if they ever had a team….LOL

    Matter fact tell them about your team…ROFL.

    I'll bet your moms or grandmoms dated less than 10 men total….lifetime….propably less than 5. My how things change. LOL

    1. You'd be surprised. Mom knows.

      Grandma's kind words of advice (in regards to a man that was dating someone else): "Honey, no one is off limits til he's married. Does he have a wife?"

      Me: *laughing* Noooo!! He's only 23.

      Grandma: Looks like you've got some work to put in.

      Me: #dead

    2. But remember back then they got married at the age of 15/16 and it was to the boy next door or around the corner and their courtships were usually set up and navigated by the Grown Folks who knew about the boy or girl so that eliminated the need to date different men/women.

      1. Oh I know. My grandmother got married at like 19 or 20 so I know she probably dated less than 5 men total. Probably more like two or three.

        I was just laughin at the difference…cause back then they had names for girls with teams ROFL

        But also remember….when you date to marry it cuts down on the number as well. If you only date "marriage material" then the number of acceptable men diminishes.

        But don't get me wrong…I'm not judging anyone….but please believe, in my youth, if I was on anyones team I was ufking, planning to ufk, trying to ufk or scheming to ufk. Females may think a guy is a great friend but 9 times out of 10 it's just part of his plan.

  26. This topic is damn funny.

    Three situations that happened to me:

    (1) Well, i'm not sure how this fits in, but basically a chick told me straight up that she was dealing with other men. She was boning them too. But she was looking for a boyfriend, and we were FWBs. She would tell me stories about her life outside of our situation.

    (2) I was informed by a "group of chicks" that it was okay to sleep with multiple of them. They later would get mad when they didn't know the extent of their own permission slip. Watching women argue is hilarious, I thought they were mad at me, until it turns out they were mad at each other. I just ordered some wings and drank a 40.

    (3) her: I bet you do this with girls from every school you visit. me: [absolutely quiet] her: that's okay, i guess since it's not in my face. me: [JPYDO.]

    Sport analogy: As a part of a RB by committee situation, you can probably extend your career. It only sucks when you don't think you're getting the right amount of touches, or you lose goal line duties and they make you a short yardage back. (You gotta deal with the wack ish like taking her out for drinks before you smash, but another dude just shows up at 3:45) Or most importantly, YOU ARE SO SURE that your number is getting called as the starter this week, and you actually don't even suit up for the game.

    Mark my words as this is true, if you're the only RB the team has got, when you're old, they will let you retire and they will thank you for your accomplishments and good service. If you are a part of a committee, or they bring in a young guy, Re: L. Tomlinson, they release your ass when you get old and predictable.

    1. For the women who probably don't get that analogy, i'll explain it for you this way. Men keep a garage of cars. That only ends three ways.

      (1) – They trade the car in for a newer version, and let someone else take the old piece of crap. They might even give it to their son.

      (2) – They total the car in an accident. This is probably because they weren't driving carefully, or just generally don't care.

      (3) – The car becomes a vintage item in their garage. They take care of it, they really care about it, but they only drive it a few times a year.

  27. I talk about this very thing in my novel Paige's Web. If she is not in a committed relationship with either of the guys, why should she have to tell any of them about the other men she goes out with. Apparently, they are okay with not being in an exclusive relationship. Now, if they are supposed to be "exclusive" then that's a different story.

  28. I'm the selfish type….I refuse to be part of some woman's 'team' or 'lineup'.

    If I'm not the only one, I'm not dealing with her. point blank.

      1. You would think so…But being monogamous and relationship-minded is a surefire way to NOT have success with women.

        From what I've seen in my life so far, it looks like women WANT to be mistreated and enjoy the drama that comes with it.

  29. There's no benefit to a woman telling a man she's dating multiple men, even if she's not sexing any or all of them. Most men will put you in that "category".

    There's a great benefit to a man telling a woman he's dating multiple women, even if he's not sexing any or all of them. Women are ultra-competitive amongst themselves to get men, and will figure that this a man worth having.

    1. "There’s a great benefit to a man telling a woman he’s dating multiple women…"

      I'm really feeling old around here because that logic doesn't work for me or any of my friends.

  30. Either women want to be mistreated or they like competing for one man….I hear all the time about how a man is more desirable in the eyes of a woman when he's unavailable for whatever reason. I guess that's why married men, men in jail, men who already have girlfriends, etc. are so popular?

    But when a man approaches ONE woman at a time and tries to do things the monogamous way…..Nope, doesn't work. They give him the Steve Urkel treatment.

    1. TheRealestLeo is absolutely correct. Long term, it may not work, but nothing, and I mean nothing, initially attracts women more than being seen with a beautiful woman. Whether the reason why is jealousy, taken men are viewed as forbidden fruit, or just the challenge of stealing him away, it is undeniably true that a man with a woman is more attractive than a man without.

      1. Hugh, of course something about the man has to be attractive but him being with another woman isn't attractive at all. It makes him offlimits.

        I don't like sharing and I don't want a man who would cheat on the woman he's with to be with me because he's not trustworthy.

        1. I'm gonna hafta disagree w/ my dearest Shelia. It's the oldest trick in the book… and there are a bajillion movies based off its simple truth.

          – Man can't get women

          – Some woman finds man attractive enough to date

          – Man accepts; relationship ensues

          – Other women find Man suddenly attractive enough to date

          Now rather women do sneaky things to get w/ said man is all about the character of the woman. Sometimes, they'll just wait in the wings, other times they try to get what they want when they want.

        2. SoFly,

          I guess I'm in the minority because seriously, that kind of stuff don't phase me. Maybe when I was younger, but now, negative.

          Now, as a writer, I use those scenerios in my books because of the drama.

  31. @ SoFlyy and Sheila

    I'm rather mature with what I look for in women….I don't do short term qualities, so all that looks stuff really means nothing to me. When those implants melt, the titties start sagging, and the ass goes flat..I'm looking at a radioactive stick figure that STILL HAS A F***ED UP ATTITUDE….lol

    Problem is….Women want long-term qualities out of short-term men….You can't squeeze Grade A Florida's finest orange juice out of a freaking pomegranate.

    1. The Realest Leo (Happy Belated Birthday by the way).

      Your statement: "Women want long-term qualities out of short-term men….You can’t squeeze Grade A Florida’s finest orange juice out of a freaking pomegranate."

      Now that's so true, but it still only applies to some women. I think after a point of running into bad relationship after bad relationship, a woman (or man) should wise up. Your statement deserves an entire post.

      I learned a long time ago to "NOT make a committment to a man who is not committed to me."

      1. Thanks for the birthday wish. Maybe next year I'll actually get to celebrate it.

        Anyhow, the statements I made have applied to about 90 percent of the women I've met so far in my life. The other 10 percent came around….but it was always the same thing….AFTER they'd had a kid by some no-good man or AFTER they realized that maybe I was the type of guy (not necessarily exactly the guy, just the type) they should have been dealing with all along.

        I'm not the "I told you so" type of man, but it does suck being right about THIS particular observation.

  32. The bottom line is stop being a ho and wait for your wife or husband to come around. When they do, put in an extended amount of effort to keep them around. Situations like this only occur when one or both parties have dated before and think marraige and comittment are some sort of game.

    They aren't. It's your life. Your future. Marraige is taken so lightly now that you'll get married to anyone just because you want to. You have to look at things for the long-term Will she raise your kids to be moral? Can he teach your children to have value? Is he a traditional male? Is she a traditional woman?

    When you start getting all these career driven women and men who bow to their every whim, you have a disaster waiting to happen. If you put a housewife with a hard-working man together, you have the future.

      1. Yes. If you ever find a woman that can make that kind of lifestyle work in today's world snag her up ASAP. You'll feel like a King whenever she's in your presence.

      2. Oh yeah…I'm talking about real work. Office work, being a manager, anything in coporate America is not work for a black man. Do something that gives you callouses on your hands and feet so that you can compliment a woman who sews your clothes.

        1. I'm curious, are these same jobs in Corporate America not really work for men of other races either or is this just black men that are less for working in an office? If it does extend to all men, how does that work? It would seem in your ideal world, we'd have men doing manual labor and women at home. Who exactly would be in Corporate America. If there is nobody working in the business sector, eventually the need for manual labor would die out.

          I guess I just disagree that a man has to be getting callouses on his hands while doing manual labor in order for it to be "real" work.

        2. Black men are special because they're the minority in this country. They have certain qualities and attributes that make them suited for manual labor. Corporate America dilutes those qualities, makes them believe the best they have to offer is a bad thing. Why?

          If manual labor died out and everyone worked in office buildings…who would suddenly be the most powerful commodity if something big and bad happened that made corporations and big businesses fail?

        3. You work in corporate america. You're not supposed to. For your own sake though take the time to think about what I asked you. When you get some life experience the power of the answer will hit you so hard it will be a revolution to your world.

        4. I didn't realize that was a serious question. Clearly, one sector cannot survive without the other, so it seems to be a moot question.

          Either way, I still will never cosign that the only place where a black man belongs is doing manual labor. I say this as a person who has never dated anyone but blue-collar workers. It just feels to much like implying that they should never strive to be an equal in power as some of the top men in corporate america. I don't know about you, but I don't think any less of Obama because he's not in a factory somewhere or working on the roof of a house. I admire brains and if you can get things easier in life using those brains, I don't see the issue. Also, a lot of these wonderful men that comment on here are in corporate america, and any of us would be lucky to have any one of them.

        5. Do you really think so?

          If you were in school and your teacher made you sit down and do your work what are you?

    1. Shekeisha: “Black men are special because they’re the minority in this country. They have certain qualities and attributes that make them suited for manual labor. Corporate America dilutes those qualities, makes them believe the best they have to offer is a bad thing. Why?”

      WHAT?

      I was following your hard-working man/housewife comments before everything went south to the Cape Horn. How exactly are black men suited for manual labor? Portuguese men are a minority in this country, does that mean they are more suited for manual labor and not corporate America? I have strong arms, broad shoulders and strong legs suited for manual labor, does that mean I can’t use my 145 IQ? What qualities is my full-time job as a structural engineer diluting? Since the calluses on my hand come from weightlifting and not manual labor, does that mean I can’t “compliment a woman who sews (my) clothes”? And I spent seven years in construction management, so I know the manual labor side and the corporate side.

      I’m seriously trying to see what you’re saying here, but in trying to follow your logic, I’m adding 2 and 2 and getting M.

      1. A. You must be portuguese.

        B. Thanks for the resume. I'll be sure to keep that in mind when people start catching on to my idea by the thousands.

        C. What white man do you work for? OR…

        How many ethnic people work for you?

        And finally, you already answered your own questions so you're already following me. Be confident in the conclusions you reached because if you think 2 + 2 is 4 you'd be smart, you just wouldn't be very wise.

        1. You must be old too. You're asking what kind of woman you'd compliment…why are you still single?

          Maybe it has something to do with how underappreciated manual laborers are to the eyes of a woman who has an office job. Go to a town or a place where lots of portuguese people have to work hard for what they get. You'll find a good woman who will appreciate you.

  33. A short-term girl: you've had sex with her and you're not married, the most important thing you guys ever talk about is how whiney she is, she has ALL of your friends and family in your personal business because she knows you want to leave her so she needs help keeping you captive, she is a threat to your manhood and is therefore the topic of conversation between you and this female…

    A long-term girl: she won't even let you hug her, you value and trust her opinion, the size of her reward to you depends on how hard you work for one, she goes out of her way to keep you on your toes and make sure your relationship with her is private and air tight, she plans on fighting the world to restore your stolen manhood.

  34. I have a few issues w/ Shekeisha's comments. Here they go:

    Your define "real work" jobs, which are more often than not menial, that puts callouses on your hands. This presupposes that you put a greater value on physical strength. My issue with this is that you left out all of the fields that are neither blue collar or white collar. Do we not need black doctors and scientists and academics? Should we erase the achievements of WEB DuBois, Booker T, Garrett Morgan, Colonel Bolden and the list goes on. We dont need black pastors and teachers and presidents. I get the whole black people were bred to be physical specimens but dont you think that that is a bit limiting. Is it not possible that I can do something that doesnt require me to get callouses? Shouldnt that be my choice. Even I am best suited to carry bricks up a hill, what happens if I'm very good at performing surgery on hearts? Or at project management? Or at being a lawyer? Should I turn down jobs that lead to wealth to do what I'm good at?

    I bet you thought this was salient point, "If manual labor died out and everyone worked in office buildings…who would suddenly be the most powerful commodity if something big and bad happened that made corporations and big businesses fail?" I could plug any word in the place of manual and make the same point about another industry. Try this for size "If everyone with two eyes became blind, who would suddenly be the most powerful commodity? The man with one eye" (Taken from the adage).

    Secondly, people dont just work with their hands anymore. We're not in the 19th century. We're in an economy that is made up of corporations. So all of the blue collar guys you're talking about, works for some guy in a white shirt. Unless you want us all to be gardeners and carpenters. But last I checked, carpenters and gardeners are not the ideal way to build wealth.

    I've digressed. The fallacy is as follows: ultimately, you think that black men are best suited to work generally menial, generally low paying jobs. Thus, you think it is okay for black men to not build wealth and to struggle to break the cycle of poverty (b/c we aint got no money from our service industry jobs). Okay, I gotcha. Seems pretty self-loathing and self-defeating but that may be because you've done a pretty terrible job of expressing the rationale behind this.

    Lastly, i think you compared school to slavery. If I am correct, that is utterly embarrassing. #1) School at its worst is/was designed to produce the very people that you want us to be: blue collar workers. #2) School at its mediocre, prepares us to be active members in society. #3) School at its best enables to enhance our lives by acquiring a love of learning and new skills which would then lead to money. Slavery on the other hand, produced 300 years of torture where families were ripped apart. It produced over 20 billion dollars of revenue for United States alone. You compared having to do HW to a calamity, a catastrophe, a holocaust where over 800k people died before leaving Africa, over 2 million people died in transport and only God knows how many died on this continent. If anything, this point alone nullifies anything else that you have to say. And of course, I say that in the most polite way that I know how

      1. it was, i cut myself short. I could of went on about her lack of understanding of economy, which would of taken the whole page up.

        1. As soon as you hear this:

          Black men are special because they’re the minority in this country. They have certain qualities and attributes that make them suited for manual labor. Corporate America dilutes those qualities, makes them believe the best they have to offer is a bad thing. Why?

          …you know it's not a discussion worth having. A wise man told me don't argue with fools.

    1. You talk entirely too much to be a real man. You won't ever catch on to what I was saying because all you ever do is attack opinions that differ from yours. You're like the white man's guard dog. You pull black people into the gutter and attack them instead of pushing them to get out of it and use their own power.

      Go back to college uncle sam. We need someone who sees the value in rough neighborhoods.

      1. I happened to check my mail as soon as you replied. You cannot be serious. There is no way that you actually read what I wrote. I refuse to believe that your reading comprehension is this piss poor. I'm not a real man b/c I have something to say? Wild. Three or four paragraphs is talking too much? Wow.

        How can I disagree w/o attacking your opinions? Isnt telling someone why they disagree the same as attacking? Should I have just written "I disagree" and that's it. Pardon me for elaborating and explaining myself. I tend not to leave room for interpretation. I'm not attacking you, I'm sure you're probably a nice person. I'm attacking your severely misguided viewpoint. I'm sure you have some rationale for feeling the way you do, however, you didnt express them well. Please explain how being a bus driver, or construction worker or garbage man is bettering the black community. Please tell me how that's building black wealth. Please tell me how those are skills and industries that are useful for an economy and society that is becoming increasingly technologically based.

        "You pull black people into the gutter and attack them instead of pushing them to get out of it and use their own power." – This was said by the same person who said that all I can be was an effin sanitation worker? Forget that I push my people to use both their mental and physical acumen. Forget that my whole comment was practically about creating black wealth. You obviously didnt read what I wrote. Please explain how I did so. Your comments limit black people to solely their brawn, like our brains are of no use and I'm the one that pushes people to the gutter? Are you serious?

        "Go back to college uncle sam. We need someone who sees the value in rough neighborhoods." – Forget the fact that I never left the hood. I grew up in the projects. Most of my family still lives there. I went to a school located in the hood. I did and do comm service there. I STILL LIVE THERE LOL. WOW.

        Lastly, please explain who will have all of the non blue collar/non white collar jobs. Can black people be teachers and doctors and scientist and presidents? Or are we not suited to teach and heal ourselves?

        1. When a woman talks less than you you're being a sissy-boy.

          And black people teaching, healing, and working for themselves is the point I made. Doing it on their own has nothing to do with being in a white man's world.

    2. P.S. You're talking that much because you're offended by the truth. Shut up and think about it before you go running off at the mouth.

      That's the only way you'll ever learn for yourself.

      1. Then you're telling me why I have a long comment. I'm offended by the truth? Its no way you're black. I'm convinced. This is a joke. A sick one too.

        I read your whole comment and responded to the issues you raised. Did you read mine? Did you respond? Nope. And I'm the one who doesnt listen? GTFOHWTBS. lol

        I'll work on this advanced degree while you count effin peanuts

        1. If we still worked on farms you'd be the yeller nigger all the people on the underground railroad would laugh at. Sitting in the master's home thinking he's got it made.

          Your life is the joke and you won't be helped by anyone trying to tell you otherwise. So…it's whatever.

          Drown.

        2. Its a race to the finish line of success. I hope to see you on the other side. I know i'll be there. Will you?

        3. @ Que aka Peyso.

          Sadly, I think she is black. She seems to be the epitome of the BITTER black female that is scandalized in movies, magazines and television shows. Pay her no attention. Her asking you to drown is the cherry on top of the ignorance pie she tried to feed you a slice of.

          @ Shekeiska I have watched you comment negatively ( because I am observant like that) for the last week on several different postings. A part of being intelligent is being able to look at another's perspective and even if you don't concur, say so but appreciate and LEARN from it. That does not mean verbally attack, condemn or harshly criticize. Your words spew out like venom and are laced with ignorance. As a black educated woman I am appalled that you would attack one of our educated black men. Your points have lost validity due to your buffoonery. I'm done.

      2. @ back pedlar

        You've been watching me for that long and didn't have the guts to say something to me one on one because you're intimidated. You're trying to act "educated" and dismissive like you're better than me because you realize you'll get your feelings hurt if you talk to me extensively.

        You had to hop on a bandwagon and wait for a group of people to talk to me. You have no self-confidence. Probably because you take your advice from white people when YOU'RE BLACK.

        My perspective is different from yours obviously…what have you learned from it, you high-sidity whore?

        1. *Sigh*

          Oh Shekeisha I emanate confidence. I only just now responded to your buffoonery because you attacked several people that had educated rebuttals (which you still have not responded to). However, like Most said I am wise enough to know when to not argue with fools.

          Please do not procreate if you haven't done so alredy. Take care.

        2. No, you EMULATE self-confidence. You condescend to people, throw your "I'm more educated than you" resume around like someone cares, and when someone says something truthful directly to you the first thing you do is defend yourself. Please. You're not fooling anyone. You won't even control yourself after you put your foot down.

          I'd like to see you try motherhood but with all that education and no experience with hard work, you couldn't afford the risk of teaching someone how to be valuable.

          Get your hands dirty. Learn how to be a woman, a traditional one, and you will know how to EPITOMIZE self-confidence.

    1. I responded to the substance of your comment. Are you ever going to respond to the substance of mine? Or are you just going to call people names.

      1. If you ever decide to realize you're black you might become useful to your people. You never shut up or accept a loss it's just that you're fighting against what will unify us as a people. I can't wait until you sleep with the master's daughter, forcing him to expel you from his home so that you can run away to freedom with us.

      2. And yes…I noticed you're not talking as much but I also notice you don't have anything important to say when you do.

        You need life experience. That way small remarks will have maximum impact.

        This lecture is over.

  35. @Shekeisha I pray to God you're just taking a joke waaaay too far cause I really cannot fathom that anyone would stoop to such a level of hatred and ignorance in this day and age. Have your own opinions (no matter how sorely misguided and ridiculous they are) fine BUT if you can't respect the opinions of others on this site and not resort to some basic ass, child like name calling when people don't agree with your viewpoints then you need to shuck and jive your ass back on into the sordid hole of animosity and shit that you obviously climbed out of.

    You are the epitome of what whites have tried for centuries to do to black people: imbed in our minds a sense of inadequacy and the belief that we are no more than mules.

    That's it. Reply if you want but I refuse to waste any more words on you.

    1. It would be a waste of words because you'd be spewing out your hypocrisy. Your bosses are white. You carry their paperwork like an ass.

      Enough said.

  36. For real Shekeisha…go play in traffic…with a blindfold over yoyr eyes and weights on your feet

    Your name is a testimate to the fact that you have such an ignorant mentality

    Your mother didn't love you as a child did she?

    See that? If you can spew negative, irrelevant ish, so can I.

  37. I come in to work to this?

    Most: "A wise man told me don’t argue with fools."

    True, but have a bit of bully in me, Hugh Jazz being my screen name and all. I’m doing this to amuse myself. But now, on to the anti-Mary McClod Bethune…

    Shakeekee: “A. You must be portuguese.

    No, I’m not. I wouldn’t expect you to follow simple logic and relate the minority thing, because you’re just a housewife. I’ll ask for your advice when I need a button sewn on or a recipe for cornbread.

    Shakookoo: “B. Thanks for the resume. I’ll be sure to keep that in mind when people start catching on to my idea by the thousands.

    Behold the great Shebomboo, the new Harriet Tubman, leading us from our oppressive jobs working for the man, to catch on to “her” original idea by the thousands, you know, kinda like the millions of black people who are already have blue collar jobs. What’s your next great original idea, O wise and wonderful housewife, cooking pancakes on both sides?

    Sealy: “C. What white man do you work for? OR…

    How many ethnic people work for you?”

    I’m a government employee, so technically, I work for several white, black, Hispanic, Asian, American Indian and Middle Eastern men, women and children. But I should follow your advice, quit my job, and start working as a landscaper…for, umm, a different white man…wait…what?

    Mammie: “You’re asking what kind of woman you’d compliment…why are you still single?”

    Uhh, maybe because I chose not to get married young? I’ll explain this slowly so even a homemaker like you can understand. You’re ascribing your goals in life to me, which is an ontological error. Just because you wanted to be married at 13 so you can rub the corned and callused feet of your husband, coming home smelling of sweat and sawdust, doesn’t mean I wanted to. But if you truly think a good-looking, hard-working, intelligent Christian man who owns his own home has trouble getting women, well, you’re even stupider than you let on.

    Florida: “Be confident in the conclusions you reached because if you think 2 + 2 is 4 you’d be smart, you just wouldn’t be very wise.”

    Even if I were smart but not wise, at least that’s one-for-two, which I sadly can’t say for you. Then again, you don’t even get simple addition, so I better not burden your small girly brain with ratios. Math is hard!

    You see, Auntie Ruckus, the ironic thing is I actually agree with you to a point. Being that we are in the beginning years of a depression and with the debt-deleveraging going on around the world, it is wise for young people to learn a trade instead of going into debt to go to college. But you don’t seem to understand a job is a means, not an end; the end is to provide for you and your family. Both white and blue collar jobs accomplish that end. You clearly haven’t thought your position through very well. Peyso already smacked you around on the entire non-empowering aspect of your, for lack of a better word I’ll call wisdom. But the other logical error is you think that someone like me can’t work as an engineer for someone to get experience, then go on to do consulting. But to hear you tell it, with my small Negro brain and Neanderthal features, all I can do is start a business mowing lawns. We’s coons sho is stupid!

    Now run along, Aunt Jemima, I’m sho’ you gots some iyernin’ to do. I’m not going to tell you to swallow a bomb or play in traffic or anything, because I’m sure your hubby won’t be able to get off work to attend your funeral.

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