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Why you should get married

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"You know I got that KY ready for tonight ... you promised!"

Marriage.

Ball and chain … or … The best thing ever.

That old hag … or … The one that completes me.



With the divorce rate above 50%, 30 becoming the new 20 and guys and girls both running from major commitment, and more than a couple major media sources badmouthing this “sacred union” … makes you wonder how come the whole wedding cake and tuxedo industry haven’t completely collapsed.

As someone who plans to and is fighting to delay it as long as possible looking forward to marital bliss … it made me think.  Why do I want to get married?  With the help of one of my married classmates, I came up with a list:

To Produce crumbsnatchers offspring

According to my good friend, this is the top reason to get married.  Sure you can have kids out of wedlock, but wants to fight over which last name he’s gonna have.  He listed this pretty high on his reasons behind buying that ring.

To get rid of some of this debt

So you went too hard with them credit cards buying Gucci handbags or limited edition Jordan’s?  Got a credit score of 50 and you owe Chase so much money that they are posted outside with a bat?  Who needs to call debt consolidation when you can just marry someone making more than you to bang out those student loan bills.

See Also:  Why We Need to Change the Conversation About Engagement Rings

To keep your Mom/Dad happy

Oddly enough, my mom doesn’t bother me about getting married, making her a grandmother, or settling down.  On the other hand, my dad is terrible.  Upon meeting my girlfriend’s dad, he opened with “and now we just gotta get these two married” (no lie … this really happened).  If signing my life away will get him off my back … then so be it.

So the folks at church will finally leave you alone

You can always count on church folks to get in your business and tell you what you need to do with your life.

Because you don’t want to use a condom

You have no guarantee that s/he won’t step out on you and give you that three letter virus that scares me … but you got a lot better odds than those with the girls you pull home every Saturday with the small selection of people you’re dating.

For the Bachelor Party

Long story short … I want more people at my bachelor party than I want at my wedding.  Think of the Hangover … but with 115 people, and some sort of stripper spectacular in a small arena as the opener.

Some girls are only willing to do anal with their husband

See Also:  Are Arguments For Better Or For Worse?

The good man RCLS just dug into (no pun intended) the subject of backdoor exploring, but I have been told before by more than one person that this is “something special I am saving for my husband”.  Not only is this stupid reasoning, but it is also enraging at times.  Regardless, if a ring somehow holds magical powers that will numb your backside and make everything work like a well oiled machine (pun intended) … then “I got you”.

Love … n sh*

Supposedly, for some odd reason … people think marriage and love have something to do with each other.  This is simply not true for a lot of reasons … but if the only way I can truly prove my love and commitment to someone is with an overpriced rock and piece of metal … then so be it.  As much as I have tried to get out of it … seems like there is no way around it.

It’s the grown man thing to do

Jokes aside … it is a part of life.  You’re young … you run the streets, beating everything that walks or kneels. Then … you get tired … you want someone to cook for you … and you settle down and get married.  I am far from a traditionalist … but there are some facets of getting old that I understand.

See Also:  A Wife's Love : What I Learned From "Legend's House"

So … I hope for the few of you that needed coaxing or a solid list of reason’s to go ahead and make that plunge that this list has helped.  If it didn’t … eh … I’m not married so I can’t really talk.

What would you add to the list?  Does the list work for men and women … or just us dang-a-lang carriers?

SBM aka Still got no ring aka The only ring I’m wearing is my class ring!

Comment(97)

        1. lol I replied you when you asked the first time, but I guess you didn't see it. No, I'm not from Washingon. WAChick=West African Chick.

  1. I seriously think I'd go crazy the moment a wedding ring was slipped onto my finger. Just the sight of it and what it represents would probably drive me to sever my ring finger(s) as the constant restriction would be too much to bear. Not to mention I REALLY enjoy my space and carefree lifestyle.

  2. Great list! I would add building a partnership. Someone that will back you up on all your endeavors and someone to love and support you till death do you part.

    Marriage is not that bad, it's just gotten a bad rap because we live in a society that has no limits but marriage is important to keep us grounded, structured, and to maintain some moral scruples.

    Men are afraid to get married but they seem to forget that one day "it" will stop working and if you don't get married or procreate you'll spend your years beyond 60 waiting for retirement and sitting on a rocking chair. Alone.

  3. Almost a week being 19, (yes i'm still young!) and all the other girls around me(my age & younger) all getting married, having kids, going to live w/ their boyfriends or at least seriously talking about it surround me.. I cannot even imagine myself in those situations, because my priorities are soo far from that.

    I don't consider myself a relationship type of person, i feel too tied down..and because of where i live, if you have a girl, you do not like any males your girl comes in contact with. Got people clingy & jealous like a MF! Can't do it..don't have time for peoples bs like that..(although there is more to it than just that + the post on a female player..all me, lol)

    I believe in marriage, I know what God says about it and his intentions of it..so when you look at those around you, personally & in the media, is marriage taken seriously? RARELY. It's a sad sight to see, and is very discouraging..

    Other than that, the article was great, it obviously got my attention and made me think a bit!

    1. I'm fairly certain you've posted before, but just in case, welcome!

      I can tell you with confidence that only about 5-10% of those around you getting married at that age are doing it for the right reasons and will actually last. I was married at 20 and even though I don't regret it, my motivations probably weren't what they should have been.

      1. Oh, i did post on ThreeWays!

        That's a sad percentage :/ A few of them got pregnant and then decided to get married, i don't know if that was their only reason or not though..

  4. I don't know if I can say that this list contains any a good reason to get married. But it was truly funny…

    Note: The divorce rate is 52%, "With the divorce rate above 50%" is deceptive.

    If marriage wasn't such a calculated decision for folks, it might actually stem from two people who actually want to be life partners instead of business partners.

    1. Yea, I agree. It was funny, but sort of downplayed marriage. Marriage is about finding one's life partner–a person who loves you beyond the resume and what you do for him/her. It's about having someone to hold your hand when you're at your best/worst.

      I'm not married; I'm not even in a relationship, but one thing is certain: I know love. It's far greater than a feeling, or what one gains from a person/situation.

      "If marriage wasn’t such a calculated decision for folks, it might actually stem from two people who actually want to be life partners instead of business partners."

      We are obligated to things in life, and being married sometimes allows for things to be easier and easily attained.The problem I see with some married/divorced people is that they forget that they are first obligated to God and to their union, and everything else really follows afterward (even the children and work).

      People are often taught to "get theirs" and protect themselves. I feel your life partner should be the one person you shouldn't have to protect yourself from….

      1. There is no "for life" in marriage anymore. Nowadays it is:

        1. Until she gets tired of him.

        2. He was cheating so this has to end

        3. This is boring, need dissolution

        Marriage vows and promises even to "da lawd" ain't sh*t nowadays.

    2. Intermingling two seperate entities' finances is a merger for economic and social gain. Marriage is definitely a business deal.

      I believe part of the problem is the lack of financial planning and undefined roles in a marriage that leaves too many questions unanswered and unnecessary stress. If you didn't take time to review the potential partner's assets and not just their ASSets, its doom to fail.

      Just like a business, you got to create a mission statement, long term goals and brand preservation while keeping company secrets SECRET.

      Getting married for love is what fools do.

      1. I feel where you are coming from. I have a lot to offer financially, so I don't take that for granted–my ASSets and my resume–even at 21. I date accordingly….

        There are aspects of marriage that are business-like; in some ways you may have to approach it as a business. You ought to have goals, outline, a model and creed in which you base your marriage. I agree with you.

        Models for businesses are derived from rules of engagement and life principles that are applied to daily living…but that's another conversation….

        But my question to anyone is why can't "love" encompass this. Those who do not believe it does not, do not understand love and its varieties. I don't fault anyone who says those who marry for love are fools, but I question their idea of love and their inability to have an adequate scope of love beyond a feeling.

  5. Well, everyone knows that I've been married before…and the only reason I got married was for love….and for religious reasons. I didn't need him for any of the other reasons you listed……

    Now, that I've been married…I will say, I don't have to get married again…my relationship to God is not tied into getting married again because I am still as spiritual as I was before if not moreso…….

    Would I get married again? Maybe…but, it would still only be for love….but, I would consider alot of other reasons first….cause love alone is not going to keep the marriage intact..but, it is a good start.

  6. This is a very erm.. interesting list. The only thing I have to add about the benefits of marriage (using my parents as an example) is that you have someone who won't poison your food after an argument. * shrugs*

  7. I haven't seen many good example of "good" marriages, so it is a little discouraging to get married. Although, my Grandparents were married for 54 for years and death literally parted them.

    I guess deep down I want that, but that ring is so "heavy". It would really have to be perfect and nothings perfect sooo……I'm gonna say NO.

  8. Until now I've never seriously given thought to getting married. I'm in love & he's always mentioning it so maybe one day I'll take the plunge. Although I am in love, I don't think love should be the main reason a person gets married. All these people getting married for love then getting divorced. I bet those who are in arranged marriages don't have a high divorce rate. My father told me, you can learn to love the person who you decide to marry. I agree with him wholeheartedly. He learned to love his wife after they'd gotten married & they've been together for 15 years. My boyfriend wants another child & the only way he would get that outta me is if we shared the same last name. I refuse to be anyone's "babymama" & amongst a plethora of other reasons, THAT is a very big reason why I would get married. And that would have to happen before I even thought about getting pregnant. So yeah, that's my reasoning…raising my child in a 2 parent household with everyone sharing the same last name. Honestly, idgaf about the divorce rates & to me that's the stupidest reason not to get married. If the doctor told you there was a 52% chance you could die after he performs a potentially life-saving surgery would you NOT do it? Oh ok then. 🙂

    1. "And that would have to happen before I even thought about getting pregnant"

      ~That made me smile in a proud momma kind of way…hold on to that HP.

  9. If you are a person of faith, marriage is, ultimately, a spiritual decision. The #1 reason a person of faith should get married is that they feel like that's the next step in God's plan for your life. For me, that was the main reason.

    The list was humorous, I think. The only one I have major disagreement with is the one on debt. If it can be avoided, I would advise that you avoid bringing debt into a marriage. You want to start your marriage with a clean slate. Bringing old debt hinders you from moving forward. I don't mean like, student loans or mortgages, I mean, unsecured debt like credit cards and that sort of stuff. Scale back on the wedding and pay off your debt.

    Marriage, to me, is the natural progression of a great relationship. There really shouldn't be much of a decision to it. If you find someone you're great with, and you take the time to build a great partnership, at some point, you're going to start feeling the natural urge to make her your wife. Some guys feel that urge and run, other guys get married. I chose the latter… worked out pretty well for me. Getting married is easy. Being married takes work.

    1. Getting married is easy. Being married takes work.

      THIS!!!!!! #NodsHeadInAgreement

      So True, So True which is why I can't see myself ever taking that plunge again because it's like having a 2nd fulltime job with very minimal OR no benefits whatsoever sometimes especially if your better half isn't 100% in cooperation.

      NOW my new outlook is this: I will ONLY get married again if I wanted to have another child, but since I don't wnat anymore kids I don't see the reason to get hitched.. *shrugs*

  10. I only have one small thing to add…when a woman says "Im saving this for my husband" in reference to anal sex…it makes me kinda giggle on the inside. Cause all the while, Im thinking "all that ish we just did?" but you wanna save him THAT"…"ok". some women…alot of women, have turned there anal cavity into there new "secondary virginity"…bless them. poor lil tink tink.

    1. Wellllllll…… a Girl gotta keep something SACRED for the honeymoon night right, and what greater gift is there besides that to give to your new hubby???? 😉

  11. I know this list is somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but being serious, I'll add:

    Traditionalism: This is just respecting the institution of marriage. Not because of religous or familial influences, just a personal desire to have a spouse, 2.3 children, and the house with a picket fence.

    Religious reasons: This is honestly the only reason someone should get married, unless you just want to be a slave to the government and allow a third party to [email protected] you if the contract is violated. If you don't believe that marriage is a binding vow before God to your spouse before a host of witnesses, I have no idea why you would stake your emotional and financial future in a religious institution.

    Societal stability: A marriage is the ideal scenario to raise children and stablize society. We see the obvious ramifications of the increasing divorce rate, illegitimacy rate, and with an increasing percentage of people not getting married or getting married later in life. While one can always grow up to be a responsible adult being reared by a single parent, I don't think anyone will argue that on the whole, that adults freely fornicating with children bouncing back and forth between their parents who can't stand each other is better for society than a nuclear family. I firmly believe the 70% black illegitimacy rate and the 40% white illegitimacy rate are partially responsible for such evils as Lil' Boosie and Jersey Shore.

    1. Societal stability: A marriage is the ideal scenario to raise children and stablize society. We see the obvious ramifications of the increasing divorce rate, illegitimacy rate, and with an increasing percentage of people not getting married or getting married later in life. While one can always grow up to be a responsible adult being reared by a single parent, I don’t think anyone will argue that on the whole, that adults freely fornicating with children bouncing back and forth between their parents who can’t stand each other is better for society than a nuclear family. I firmly believe the 70% black illegitimacy rate and the 40% white illegitimacy rate are partially responsible for such evils as Lil’ Boosie and Jersey Shore.

      ^ This. In all my Soc classes we learned that your parents were your first "agents of socialization" and a necessary requirement for you to grow into and become a functioning and contributing member of society as a whole.

    2. Yes sir. Well stated. In our society, we forget that marriage is actually a religious institution. All other unions are civil unions technically. Call it what you want, won't effect me and MY marriage – but still…with all the gay marriage debates talking about destroying the institution of marriage (HA!), it's funny how quickly it was remembered that marriage was a religious ceremony. I don't see the religious right revoking atheists' marriage certificates…but I've digressed…greatly…

      Hugh Jazz, Most, Tunde – we're on the same page.

  12. mwahaha at this list… I'm trying to get married for the ring.

    I kid I kid. I want to get married because I finally found someone that I feel like I can spend more than 10 hours a day with. Someone who I feel secure in raising my children should something happen to me. Someone that I truly love. And of course- someone who can put up with me and my **ahem** drive. I also may need someone who wouldn't mind me taking off 2-3 years to raise our kids.

    Also- divorce is not an option. We made a promise under God so one of us has to die to break this contract.

  13. Marriage is beautiful if 1) both parties want it 2) both parties are mature 3) both parties share the same values, morals and spiritual base (even if there is NO spiritual base, you better be on the same page!)

    It's great having a date for everything, in house s*x, and someone to share the bills, burdens, and good times with. I recommend marriage to anyone who is mature and READY to handle it and make a success out of it!

  14. i'm definitely looking forward to marriage. i know that i'll make a good husband and a good father. i'm not turned off by high divorce rates, men getting taken to cleaners by their exes or bridezillas.

    i'm getting married because i want to. i want to share my life with someone. i'm working hard to build the best life that i can. what good is that if i can't share my joys and sorrows with someone. i want children that look like my future wife. i want grandchildren. i want to not make the mistakes that my father made. i want to be the type of man my grandfather was.

    that being said. once i get married it's going to take a WHOLE lot for me to agree to a divorce. infidelity is not an automatic get out marriage pass to me. based on that i'm not getting married till i'm 100% sure that that is the woman i want to spend the rest of my life with. not 98.6% not 99.4% but 100%.

      1. i didn't for a reason. even tho later in life i'm going to be making loot, i still don't see the reason for a pre-nup. like i said 100% sure it's going to be the woman i want to spend the rest of my life with. if by chance we do get divorced, then she deserves whatever she gets. i don't think it should be half but it should be something.

    1. I'm late to the discussion today but I just wanted to throw in my .2 cents. I have been engaged twice…the last engagement I called it off 6 weeks before the wedding. Some family members have dubbed me the "run-away bride". Oddly enough that doesn't bother me because marriage is not to be played with. Hindsight is 20/20 and if I look back I should have never said yes to either proposal because I wasn't ready to be a wife. I regret hurting them but I don't regret my decisions.

      When I do eventually walk down the aisle I am sure I will be in tears. I don't believe in divorce unless abuse is involved. So I have to be 100 % times infinity squared that the next man I say yes to is going to be my partner forever.

      The idea of marriage scares me at times but its something I hold in such a high regard that I want to do it right the first time…because I plan to only do it once.

  15. I"m still confused as to the value and the purpose of it. The reasons sound…well…reasonable, but I see too much one-sidedness for it to be taken seriously in our country.

    Maybe if I met a woman that exemplified what I believe to be a woman with wifely skills, then I would bite. All I see however is women saying they want to be married and want to have a stupid big wedding, yet none of the other things that go along with it. Actually all I see is marriage for "a little bit of help around here" and the divorce rate reinforces that.

    1. I think the Obama's relationship is a good example of why it pays to get married. It's clearly a mutually beneficail relationship, neither of them would have had the sucess they've acheived without the other. I don't know why people focus so much on the divorce rate when thinking about getting married. The divorce rate don't have nothing to do with me. That word is forbidden in my house. Somebody gotta die first.

      1. They would've both gone on to become exceptional individuals, no doubt. They just wouldn't be living on Pennsylvania Ave. Your logic could also be used on the Clinton's and those are definitely two people in it just for the business perks.

        1. Right, they were already exceptional individuals, but, together they're way better.

          Also, if you've read Obama's memoir, the running themes of the book were his inability to reconcile his upbringing and family circumstances, and his inability to define what being a black man meant to him. His marriage to a black woman, from a black family from the south side of chicago went a long way in helping him figure all of that out. In her, and her family, and also Rev. Wright's church to an extent, he found his voice. The benefits of him finding his voice, through his relationship with Michele are immeasurable. So yeah, as an individual, or, married to someone not as great as Michele he still would have been wildly successful, but, like you said, marrying michele helped him reach is full potential. And Michele gets to be married to the leader of the free world. Mutually beneficial relationship.

      2. I think that the Obama example is a bad one to use and i'll tell you why. I've done a few posts where i've touched on this.

        There is no way that Michelle had any idea who she was dating or marrying when she started dating Barack.

        1) She was ahead of him in school and tutoring him.

        Most women don't date down. Chances of this happening are unlikely.

        2) Michelle had a solid firm job in her field after law school, Obama was a community organizer.

        Be serious, few Black women are going to be making 4-5 times as much as her man. In reality, Michelle and Barack probably would have called it quits.

        Michelle's marriage to Barack should serve as an example of why women need to readjust their focus for the mates they choose. As most Black women always complain about finding men on their "level."

        But this marriage was clearly a grand slam HR for Barack, but if Obama never becomes a President, Michelle probably still would have been leading this relationship.

        Peep her income, versus his income.

        1. That's a nice try but I think you're way off. The premise of your whole arguement there is that Michele was dating down in dating Barack. That she had no idea what he would become when they started dating. If you believe that, you're out of your mind. First off, Obama had his undergrad degree from Columbia University, an Ivy League institution. He had already experienced moderate sucess in corporate america before leaving to become a community organizer. Translated, that means, he gave up a 6 figure salary to be an 'organizer'. Translated in 'Ivy-League-ese' that meant he was clearly on the path towards running for public office. He doesn't say this explicitly in his book, but, he knew where he wanted to go from the moment he left New York. Lastly… he was at Harvard Law! The success rate (however you measure success) of black graduates of Harvard Law School is like 99.9%. So, while he wasn't yet a heavyweight as far as finances were concerned when they met, he was clearly on his way towards being one of the more exceptional black men in this country. That was without doubt. And, while I agree that some women need to readjust their expectations, I disagree with this underlying sentiment you're getting at… that Michele was somehow taking a chance on Barack. Barack was like Google just before it's IPO. If you had any market sense, you knew once it was all said and done, the #'s would be through the roof, it was just a matter of how high the ceiling was. Their example is the prototype… absolutely.

        2. I'm not saying Michelle was dating down, my main point is that the chances of these two hooking up is slim. They are an exception to the rule.

          I don't have the time to argue with you on those other points today, but you made no points that I haven't already covered in other posts on this subject already.

          However, if you find their relationship to be normal and common. That's odd.

        3. All i'm saying is that this statement:

          "There is no way that Michelle had any idea who she was dating or marrying when she started dating Barack."

          Is absolutely false and there's no way around that.

          There's a difference between normal, and prototypical. Don't know where you got this idea of it being normal from. My point, from jump was that it's the ideal… a great example.

        4. Dr Jay I gotta nosign that last statement.

          They both had same level of education attended ivy league institutions. They actually are of the same pedigree. People of those backgrounds hook up #everydayb

        5. I agree [somewhat], but didn't BO choose the Community Organizer path with a career in politics as his eventual goal? Both of them have law degrees from prestigious institutions [and I'm sure a lot of undergrad/law school debt]. Had he not chosen the path he took, I'm certain they'd have both put those degrees to use and been working at some major firm, no? :0?

          And I do agree, in the "real world" most BW wouldn't even look at someone like him if she were already on the path to a six figure salary.

        6. @ Eddie… your last statement…I totally disagree. A BW in her position most certainly would look at him. As it was already stated, I think it was Streetz…Pres Obama attended a prestigious school…so his potential was there. They were on even playing grounds as far as being cut from the same cloth…at that point anyway.

          Plus I think he dickmatized her. lmao j/k. kinda.

        7. President Obama did not express interest in being a President until he was already in the state senate. We can all speculate about whether there was an internal conversation between the two, but we don't know for sure.

          I say no, you say yes. I also say, claiming to know the answer makes you just as absolutely false as you are accusing me of being. Michelle started dating Barack because she was helping him out. Barack didn't say to Michelle on Day 1, one day i'm going to be President of the USA….

          Furthermore, I know plenty of Black men who graduated from ivy league schools who do not go on to run for President or a career in politics.

          Nevertheless, this is all taking away from the point of the post.

        8. Ok Jax, we can end our conversation here, but, I would suggest you at least go back a read Barack or Michelles wikipedia page or something before you make that same first statement you made some place else. Certains parts of the biographical information you gave are mostly incorrect, and other parts are just flat out wrong. But… ok homey…

  16. I sometimes see marriage as an old outdated institution that doesn't make sense in today's world. Many of the benefits people attribute to marriage are really just conservative talking points designed to reassign root causes for poverty to moral deficiency in the individual instead of its true root causes of institutional racism and forced labor.

    Only in the past 100 years or so did the idea of marriage for love become the norm. Through most of civilization marriage was a buisness deal….and ironically the marriages lasted longer when people dide have delusions about "true love." Through most of history the idea of man be monogomous was not univesally accepted. Polygamy was the norm either through multiple marriages or through the local cat house. Just about everyone God blesses in the old testament had multiple wives.

    Oh well……just me playin devils advocate here.

    1. J, you bring up some good points, and those are things I've said to a number of female cohorts in the pass.

      Someone should do an article on this statement.

  17. Well the most obvious is the talking point that has most often been quoted here. That a child is better off in a male / female two parent household. Thus, black people have only themselves to blame for poverty because they don't have children within the confines of a marraige. (Never mind that slavery destroyed the family unit to begin with.)

    Although the two parent theory is widley accepted there really is little evidence to support it. Most evidence shows it is the quality of the parenting and finances…not the number of parents or structure of the parental relationship.

    Republicans have been feeding us this pseudo science for years because if our problems are caused by institutional racism than there must reperations and legal remedies like civil rights legislation. But if they can get you to believe everything is your fault…if just get married…etc. etc. Than the US Government and europeans are absolved of all wrong or responsibility. It's good for buisness.

    Funny someone used Barack as an example of marriage being good……he was raised by a single parent.

    1. "Well the most obvious is the talking point that has most often been quoted here. That a child is better off in a male / female two parent household. Thus, black people have only themselves to blame for poverty"

      I think in the above, you made a huge leap. I do think that a child is better off in a male/female two parent household than in a single or no parent household, but not for socio-economic reasons. It has more to do with how the child views their self, their place in society and their ideologies about how the world functions.

      As a kid from a no parent household, I've always been interested in the socialization of kids like me. I've read a few really great studies. Basically, their are two major points that I took from it. First – there's the psychological damage. Their perceptions of familial responsibility are altered from that of the norm. Second, boys who grow up without fathers, end up defining "Manhood" for themselves, instead of learning it through example. Neither of these, in my book are a good thing.

      You're focusing on money – specifically the impoverished. Have you read studies on the socialization habits for kids from high income single parent households vs. that of high income duel parent households – check them out – might alter your opinions.

    2. Oddly enough, I haven't seen any evidence that the current split-custody system is better, all I hear is anecdotes by children raised by single parents saying they'll never be like their father or mother.

      Ignoring religious reasons, my reason for support of traditional families has nothing to do with what any Republican has said. It's purely empirical and observational. With the status quo, marriage is becoming increasingly meaningless because people enter marriage for selfish reasons (what do I get out of it, shared finances, etc). What we currently have clearly isn't working, and despite all the problems with marriage circa 1950, what we have today is clearly inferior. Now we have roaming cougars, men dating women half their age, studies showing absentee fathers are a huge psychological hurdle for children, etc.

    3. Often wondered why slavery is repeatedly brought up to explain/condone/excuse behavior in our community.

      *puts on Nomex suit*

      In a few of John McWhorter's books he's dispelled alot of these beliefs and placed the blame firmly where it belongs…on us.

      I support most of the rationale offered for marriage [life partner, financial stability, husband/wife bring out the best in one another], but most of the problems I see occur when one or both partners bring unrealistic expectations into the equation and then feel the need to roll out at the first sign of trouble.

      1. Well I never use slavery to excuse or condone. But I do use it to explain. In my opinion somethings are simply undeniable. If slaves couldn't form families, read, write, own land or accumulate generational wealth. And europeans could read, write, acquire land, form families, pass down generational knowledge and wealth. By all laws of econmics, capatilism and sociology…..it will take generations to recover and gain in these areas. To explain the state of the black community while eliminating these facts is intellectually dishonest.

        1. Right, so the question becomes, while your in the midst of those generations of trying acheive equality of opportunity, what do you do? Do you not marry because, in an ideal world, it isn't necessary? Or, do play the cards you're dealt. Slavery happened. Nothing we can do about it now. And, though we deserve anywhere from 1/2 to 3/4th's of the wealth in this country, we're not going to get it. So what are we gonna do. It's like you're arguing the merits of cutting off your nose to spite your face. I feel you, but I don't really feel you. Plus, you keep making it about money. If you've grown up without one or both of your parents and are the least bit self reflective, you have to be cognizant of the pyschological hoops you've had to jump through just to be able to maintain productive interpersonal relationships…

  18. Teflon's Reasons for Getting Married:

    1. He puts up with my bullsh*t – and doesn't seem to mind too much.

    2. His bullsh*t is not too bad for me either. The worst parts of him make me go, "Eh. Not that bad, homie."

    3. He's the yin to my yang. Or as Juno would say, the macaroni to my cheese.

    4. He seems to feel fortunate to have me in his life. Which is made more funny because of how fortunate I feel to have him in mine. Someone is not giving themself enough credit here (it's him).

    5. The chex is good. I have needs dangit.

    6. My engagement ring is on.point.

    7. He puts my needs ahead of his.

    8. I would give him a kidney if he needed one.

    9. We'll make pretty babies together.

    10. I love him like a fat kid loves cake.

    1. Your entire list makes sense to me and I want to cosign… Especially # 1, 4, 6 and 9.

      Wait, wait…are these in numerical order for a reason because # 7 would have been higher up on the list for me.

  19. I think it's true that having a father in the home provides a role model, but once again, quality is more important. There are plenty of people I know that have fathers I wouldn't want in a million years. Again, I don't think it is the structure of your househould that matters as much as the instruction you receive.

    The study you mentioned sounds interesting. Though I think many studies are skewed in that they make assumptions. For instance if you assume marraige is optimal and the natural state of man than you also assume that if a child of a single parent grows up and stays single he made a bad choice.

  20. I don't have a particular desire to get married, but I mostly attribute that to the fact that I'm single.

    For me the desire to marry is correlative to the person I would be marrying; the time in my life when I wanted to marry it was because I wanted a life and a home and <del>daily chex</del> children with him. In the absence of that man the desire has disappeared.

    Whether the right man can make it reappear is another question altogether.

  21. I feel like some of the comments have an implied (and sometimes outright) distaste for those who've had the misfortune of being divorced. All I want to say is, until you've been happily married for more than a decade, please don't be so quick to assume that divorce happens when people didn't take their marriage seriously.

    #thatisall

      1. By the way Eddie, I'm following an Eddie Brock on Twitter that I thought was you. I figured out it wasn't after a minute though. I just thought that story was funny and had to share.*

        *Okay, it really was only funny to me.

    1. THANK YOU!

      I took my marriage very seriously…it just didn't work out for the two of us…plus, two people have to be on the same page about making it work…and he wasn't.

      #thatisall.

      1. I don't think anyone is judging you on your decision to divorce. Everybody is different. I'm a child of divorce and I think that my parents are two amazing people who just should have never gotten together. I think if they had objectively looked at themselves they would see how different they were. I think they realized that very soon within their marriage and made the correct decision to divorce (although it took 18 years).

        Personally, I want to talk to my mate about fine toothing our relationship before we take such a large step. I've done it in a relationship where I was certain that I was going to be married soon and it stopped me from making me a mistake. So with that in mind I say- I plan to work through what's going on with me and my husband.

  22. The Most Interesting Man in the World…

    yes my theory has always been that it's more about the money than anything else. In other words the benefits of marriage are really just the benefits of having two incomes. A single parent with money can do just as well or better than two poor parents. It's financial resources that matter. Which is why marriage for thousands of years was a buisness deal. Not about love at all.

      1. Same difference. Stay at home dad or mom generally means the family has above average financial resources. So the real difference maker is still the money.

        1. How is it the same difference if the stay-at-home person brings no actual financial benefit to the table? It would be smarter for the working person to just get a nanny or maid.

  23. Nah….many people that do the stay at home thing do it because it is actually cheaper or cost about the same as hiring a nanny.

    But my point was….nobody that is poor is a stay at home mother. People that do that generally have one partner with an above average income. They have one income that is more than the average married couples combined income.

    1. So it's just one person providing income and one domestic duties, and the domestic duties are viewed as free income? I still don't get it, the worker still has no incentive to get married. Unless the 40 year old bachelor is too lazy to keep his condo clean and gets married so someone will pick up his socks.

    2. "nobody that is poor is a stay at home mother"

      Err, ummm, I used to work for the State (ie food stamps and TANF NO I don't know when your stamps will be on your card!) and there are LOTS of poor "stay at home" mothers/fathers, they're called unemployed generally, but the fact remains that they are at home with their kids all day…just had to interject that…

      I mean really, your theory of money being more of a determining factor still holds up in this particular instance, because often, those are not examples of stable, nurturing home lives, but there are poor stay at home parents.

      But might I also add that just because QUALITY parenting is of the utmost importance that doesn't change the fact that two parent households are still important, IMO. No scratch that, not in my opinion. Many a study, many a sociology class, many a child psychology class and many personal examples prove that.

      Also I agree with pretty much everything Most has said…he's quickly become my e-affair crush.

  24. I think that society gives a lot of men this idea that marriage is all about what you have to give up instead of what you gain. I've grown very tired of the whole "I need to get it all out my system before I put my pimp cup and player cards down." Honestly, for many of the guys that swore they'd stay single till it was time to cash in their social security checks, a woman came along and switched all of that up. Many times, things switched a few months after they gave their word that commitment was whack. SO, now I ignore the dudes that swear away marriage. I have a dress ready for their wedding at the dry cleaners waiting for me.

    1. HEY GIRL! Whats up? I owe you a phone call, lol!

      LOL @ having a dress waiting at the dry cleaners! But i've noticed this happening too…there are others that just push folks away early on so that they don't get caught up (some end up regretting this decision/action).

  25. I agree with the list, the first point's title made me giggle but this is the most important reason for me. I want my children to be brought into a stable household…my kids would get their father's last name (unless he ends up being a complete d*ck and i have to give them mine, if they are in wedlock, i wouldn't have to worry about that).

    Other reasons to I'd want to get married (if i had a viable candidate):

    My husband would also be someone that i could travel with. I want someone that i can see the world with, to share & appreciate culture with…someone who will try new things with me & comfort me when i get nervous on the plane (i hate flying with a passion)!

    He'd be someone that i could vent to if i had a bad day & would give me massages after a particularly rough day (of course, i'd do the same for him).

    He'd be a source of protection/security…someone who would step in if at any time i feel uncomfortable or in danger. Not saying he would have to take a bullet but if someone disrespects me, he'd put them in their place.

    And finally, He'd be someone i could pray with & wipe away the tears if any fall.

    Great post!

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