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How Heartbreak Changed 1 Black Man

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One

– Streetz

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Cuz y'all like hearts and cute things.

There’s been a lot of chit chat and jib jab in the e-world about men mistreating women, playing with their feelings, and all other sorts of not-so-poppin’ foolery. With the black non hip-hop and sports internets being 92.3% women, it’s unavoidable. I’m content to be amongst the 5% of men waging war against the girl blog movement and providing mediocre relationship advice. And yes, I noticed that only adds up to 97.3%. The remaining 2.7% is for gays and transgenders…not that there’s anything wrong with that of course. You are who you are and I see you in heels with an adam’s apple!

Let me get serious for a bit though. I’ve been sitting on this post because I didn’t wanna come across as emo, lose all my followers and FB friends, then have to ride my scooter off a cliff. Like many of you out there, I’ve been hurt before. And each time that it’s happened, I’ve grown colder and awkwarder (I make up words). This doesn’t mean I walk around bodying heaux and not calling them after I vanish into the night. I’m far from that type. What I mean is that I keep finding items falling out of my suitcase as I walk away from the baggage claim at Mypast International Airport.

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There was a point in time where I thoughtlessly did thoughtful things. There was a point in time where women began with my trust and it was theirs to lose. There was a point in time where I didn’t have to ask subtle questions about whereabouts or who some guy was that she hugged for a millisecond too long. There was a time where I didn’t expend so much energy trying to find the tragic flaw upfront rather than just letting things progress naturally and learning along the way.

I openly acknowledge that I don’t have the emotional resilience that women are obviously known for. Most men don’t whether they admit it or not and that’s why it takes us so long to love or at least get to a point where we are open and honest and you don’t have to rack your brain figuring out how we feel about you. So yeah, I do get over things and eventually bounce back, but it takes a helluva lot longer than I’d like it to. Let me talk for a sec specifically about heartbreak though.

Heartbreak, whatever the reason, has been one of the biggest bullies in my life. It’s been one of the few things that has made me not wanna go to school, work, or anywhere else other than my bed or couch. Heartbreak has taken my emotional lunch money one too many times and left me quick to put a hand over the pocket on my shirt that covers the most valuable part of me. Heartbreak has given me more nightmares than alcohol and benadryl. It has drained me more than the heat of a mid-summer day and left me infinitely re-charging. It.Sucks.

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No. I don’t need a tissue. I’m fine. But anyway…

Am I moping around looking discouraged because of things that happened in my past? Nope. Am I listening to old school r&b and asking myself why oh why? Nope. Am I struggling in my ability to find and maintain a productive relationship where the only thing I worry about is making sure she’s happy? Yeah, I am. Do I find myself feeling equally as unfulfilled after sex as I did beforehand because I realized I don’t care about the woman laying next to me? Yeah, that happens too. Am I more ambiguous in describing how I feel now as a result of past mistakes and pain? You know it. That whole “love like you’ve never been hurt” doesn’t get a seat at my dinner table. I’ll continue to go about it cautiously until that special woman that makes me a better person makes the whole idea of heartbreak an afterthought. How’s that for optimism?

I say all this to say y’all aren’t the only ones that get your feelings hurt and your emotions rattled. Just remember that the guy you can’t get to commit, can’t get to tell you how he feels, and can’t seem to make sense of may have taken a traumatizing ride on the emotional roller coaster. You have 2 choices. Stay and work with him or be on to the next one. And if you’re one of the people out there being shady to a good man, you’re probably messing up the game for at least 5 to 10 women. Love changes a man and it isn’t always for the better particularly when heartbreak is involved.

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That’s all I got.

I really don’t need a tissue and if you keep asking I’ll punch you in the face,

Twitter: @slimjackson Website: www.threewaystotakeit.com

Comment(102)

  1. Lol @ awkwarder.

    "Heartbreak, whatever the reason, has been one of the biggest bullies in my life. It’s been one of the few things that has made me not wanna go to school, work, or anywhere else other than my bed or couch. Heartbreak has taken my emotional lunch money one too many times and left me quick to put a hand over the pocket on my shirt that covers the most valuable part of me. Heartbreak has given me more nightmares than alcohol and benadryl. It has drained me more than the heat of a mid-summer day and left me infinitely re-charging. It.Sucks."

    Omg. e-hugs. I feel the same exact way. Just makes me want to stay in bed and not be bothered by anyone. At. All.

    Great post. Sucks that people have to go through it but such is life. Heartbreak can kick rocks with chancletas on.

  2. This needed to be said twice:

    "And if you’re one of the people out there being shady to a good man, you’re probably messing up the game for at least 5 to 10 women. Love changes a man and it isn’t always for the better particularly when heartbreak is involved"

    Lovely, heartfelt post Slim. Here's a tissue, you know, just in case someone else may need it later, just tuck it into your sleeve.

    I know that my "Him" was crushed by a woman directly before me…and it did change him…

    1. **Slaps away tissue** No thanks dahling. I sure do appreciate you reaching out though. Actually, I am feeling a bit under the weather. I'll take that tissue and keep it just in case I sneeze or something. :o)

      *Yep, I used a smiley. Deal with it ppl. lol

      1. Sigh…It's unfortunate the way things happen after heartbreak. I'm wondering if that's the reason the ex broke my heart, because he's been broken in two as well. But I doubt it. Because I was patient, and I gave it 2 years of trying to show him I'm a good woman and I'm there for him always, no matter what. And he repaid me by breaking my heart over and over.

        Sometimes, rarely, the issue is a man's broken heart. But more often, he's just that type. A guy friend told me a man is as faithful as his options. Now, these days women are more loose than sweatpants so I guess I'm screwed….and not in a good way. 🙁

        I wait…patiently at times, not so patiently, at others for "the one" ready to appreciate all that I offer which is all of me, heart and soul and backbone.

  3. "Love changes a man and it isn’t always for the better particularly when heartbreak is involved."

    I loved the entire post…but the way you closed this out really hit home.

    I went through "a thing" with a woman recently that all but drained me emotionally. One day it was a love that truly inspired me to the point where it honestly made me a better man…the love I felt for the woman I thought would define the rest of my life. But one day it "de"-volved into a relationship that affected my sleep, left me with bouts of anxiety, amongst other things. I used to call her " proof of God's Love for me"…and at the end of it all, I felt like what I showed her of ME…"it" only being meant to be seen by one woman (her I thought), I felt like I had wasted myself on her… been robbed of my essence, if such a thing makes sense. One day you realize how great Love actually is, and you bet the house and the car on it…you go all in, and those proverbial cards get turned over and you realize you lost.

    I used to believe in the "love like youve never been hurt"…UNTIL I went through what I went through. now Im cautious, looking for little telltale signs, etc. thats no way to live. but it is what it is. I like the saying that women say to other women "dont throw ya pearls to swine"….

    but what can you do when theres nothing left that you can do?

    NOTHING.

    you keep pushing…you drop tears if you have to, you confide in ya big homie, let him hear ya pain, and you play the waiting game…you wait till that anxiety and anguish and emptiness is gone. all wounds heal…so they say.

    I'm confident that I'll never love that deeply again, which is a bittersweet kinda thing. I'll love again (no doubt) but I wont be able to love again until I'm able to stop looking behind me. but thats something you cant rush. its a progression, plain and simple. I'd go as far as to say its a journey.

  4. Heartbreak has taken my emotional lunch money one too many times and left me quick to put a hand over the pocket on my shirt that covers the most valuable part of me.

    ^^^I just wanna hug you…not cause i feel bad but because i know what it feels like…you become so guarded after that it is hard to let people in. It seems like you're more of a fort than a human being.

    I’ll continue to go about it cautiously until that special woman that makes me a better person makes the whole idea of heartbreak an afterthought.

    ^^^That's how i feel…but towards men, of course!

    Great post…i totally felt you on it.

    1. oh yea, it is also difficult to pick up the pieces, depending on how the situation caused your heart to splinter (sometimes, the heart break is so intense that it causes a shatter/splintering to occur rather than a break).

      1. L.Dejean!!!! U hit the nail on the head and took the words right out of my mouth. It very much does depend on how the heart was broken, shattered in little pieces def takes much more time to heal.

  5. Yes, I've been thru heartbreak and I survived it. I respect the fact that you admit to it, too. Women are always talking about heartbreak and whatnot…I appreciate this post because it gives women some insight into males and how they deal with heartbreak….

    Good post.

  6. "Just remember that the guy you can’t get to commit, can’t get to tell you how he feels, and can’t seem to make sense of may have taken a traumatizing ride on the emotional roller coaster. You have 2 choices. Stay and work with him or be on to the next one."

    So how do I know that to stay and work with him is the right thing to do?

    1. Always do the right thing in accordance to yourself. If one takes chances on a guy, start and continue with the mentality that you're just taking a chance on him. Just b/c you're taking a chance when someone doesn't mean it'll work. I suggest always have some emotional reserve. Let homie make it serious, because too much emotional investment on your part without a foundation to put it on will just be a disaster.

      Also, do NOT dive deep into anything without talking to dude first. And when you do talk to him, if he doesn't want to communicate, keep it moving. If homie say, "I'm dealing with stuff from my past" don't ask him "When will you be over it?" as a way to gauge how long you should stick around. He doesn't know.

      If you feel yourself getting too into it, (like magically falling in love and ish) fall back. Ignore all a nice things he does. More than likely, we all want to do all the "boyfriend things" without the emotional risk attached to it.

    2. If your first instinct is "I don't have time to be dealing with this", then you need to go. If your first instinct is "I really love/like/enjoy/believe in this man and I want to get past this with him", then you stay.

      I made that sound really simple, but it's true. Of course there are other variables, but I find that if someone doesn't wanna work early on then they're def not gonna wanna work later on. Let me know if that makes sense or if I answered your question.

      1. You made sense. I actually did follow my instinct. And eventually I realised something had to give. And it's not his decision, it's mine.

        And especially the "Of course there are other variables, but I find that if someone doesn’t wanna work early on then they’re def not gonna wanna work later on." VERY TRUE.

        Thanks Slim!

        @ MeteorMan – You are so on point!

  7. I truly enjoyed this post. for me it was like an diary entry that was vague enough to be generalized but still very personal. my favorite part was:

    "What I mean is that I keep finding items falling out of my suitcase as I walk away from the baggage claim at Mypast International Airport."

    …i lol'd at this! Picturing every "problem" (kids, trust issues, etc) as another piece of luggage

    Honestly, in attempts of not hurting anyone, I've given up on relationships for a while. There have been too many instances in which I was with someone who was way more serious about things that I thought I could be at that time/now. I need to get myself together emotionally and communicatively before I can be the bomb gf/so I want to be. So, for now, i'm tapping out of the love arena…

    Buut when i'm ready, i'll give all i can. I guess i'm a proponent of the "love like you've never been hurt" mentality. One of my good friends told me that if you want a meaningful relationship (and have found someone who's worth it), gotta go hard…like its your first song, your first job before you were jaded & disillusioned, etc. Not saying that it will always work out perfectly and that other person will be willing/able to reciprocate, but you can't give 35 % and expect someone to give their all…

    1. That part about the 35% is actually what bodied a couple a of relationships. The common thing in each of those is that I don't think either party was giving 100% in the eyes of the other and it just turned into a cycle of despair. Glad you enjoyed the post tho.

  8. "And if you’re one of the people out there being shady to a good man, you’re probably messing up the game for at least 5 to 10 women."

    ^^ I never fail to run into those 'good men' right after they get done wrong..

    1. "I’ve been sitting on this post because I didn’t wanna come across as emo, lose all my followers and FB friends, then have to ride my scooter off a cliff."

      that had me dying! probably laughed harder than necessary.

      Great post!

  9. Ah Slim. Your writing continues to develop and grow. Bravo, keep it up.

    *singing* Everybody plays the fool…sometimes

    There's no exception to the rule….listen baby

    It may be factual, it may be cruel…I ain't lyin'

    Everybody plays the fool…

    I was all ready to pull out the tissues for my man. Considering what the last chick he'd been with put him through, I thought he'd be suspicious, guarded and shady. Fortunately some time had passed since that last relationship and he'd been through the "rebound" phase (I almost feel sorry for that chick but I'll still kill her if she comes around). By the time we got together he harbored no bad feelings towards her and was able to move on.

  10. Yea, heartbreak is a female dog. I haven't been able to maintain a relationship due to various reasons. I don't talk about it much, but I'm sure it has to do with the ways I've been hurt before. I'm such a "giver," and I really try to do my best by people. So it hurts, a lot, when I do all I can do only to be someone's option, cheated on, and/or not appreciated. It's like bringing your best, only to be told you're not enough.

    It all boils down to the people I've given my heart to, didn't always take care of it. So now, I'm a lot colder, somewhat wiser, and a protector of my heart & feelings. I want to be in a sweet relationship, but I have no idea on how to love again. I don't even know where to start, so I just stand still.

    #Trust, I feel where you're coming from.

    1. "It’s like bringing your best, only to be told you’re not enough. It all boils down to the people I’ve given my heart to, didn’t always take care of it. So now, I’m a lot colder, somewhat wiser, and a protector of my heart & feelings. I want to be in a sweet relationship, but I have no idea on how to love again. I don’t even know where to start, so I just stand still."

      *hugs* We're here >>><<< And I hate that with "experience" and knowledge comes that coldness, but it does. I'm not the same person after experiencing true heartbreak. I am cursed with the knowledge that a wonderful man, that fit me in all the ways that I wanted to be filled ( || ) just couldn't handle the job and there's nothing that I could've done to make him ready. That's hard news. Nothing for me to fix or work on, just this perfectly suited guy, this unimaginable connection, the fabled "good guy" that everyone says isn't out there and a cold slap from Reality saying "yeah, he's not for you, thanks for playing". No matter how much you want him to be and how much he cares for you, how much you love him. Irrelevant. Not yours to have. Ouch.

      Then what's the point? Why try again? If something so right can go so wrong, why bother with theses fools that don't even inspire a lil hope in me? So we stand still. Just trying to avoid being hurt further. Til we can figure a game plan. Alone. Feeling as little as possible.

      Slim, can I get that tissue back…my allergies are acting up…did someone bring a cat up in here?

        1. *shakes empty box* with this comment baby growing in my belly, my hormones are ALL outta wack…my bad.

          *opens a fresh box* here ya go, go in. Get your ugly cry on.

        2. OMG! I'm 9 months into our pregnancy! lol I forgot about that special moment I had with your comment…that's what I'm blaming the weight gain on and there's NOTHING you can say to convince me otherwise. 😉

      1. Hmmmm…usually I'd beg to disagree, but since we're talking about matters of the heart….ok

        While you may not be able to help how you feel, you have control over your response and reaction

        1. yeah you have control over your actions they are in direct correlation to how you feel. for instance if i'm sad i'm not going to walk around with a smile on my face. that would take entirely too much work.

        2. But your choosing not to walk around with a smile on your face. Your choosing to identify w/ this negative feeling to the point where its affected your mood. And we all have the choice to choose the opposite (not saying it's easy by any means).

          Feeling gets hurt…your in a bad mood…having a bad day…it happens. But we have control over how we absorb things and respond to situations.

  11. Slim…I appreciate this post, it was heartfelt. Heartbreak really is one of the most painful wounds that a person can endure and it does change us irrevocably…and that's the sad thing. Whenever someone hurts you really badly, you develop this jaded and guarded outlook on life that takes away your shine a little bit more each time.

    Life….

  12. I openly acknowledge that I don’t have the emotional resilience that women are obviously known for. Most men don’t whether they admit it or not and that’s why it takes us so long to love or at least get to a point where we are open and honest and you don’t have to rack your brain figuring out how we feel about you. So yeah, I do get over things and eventually bounce back, but it takes a helluva lot longer than I’d like it to.

    Sooo… you're saying I'm a man? I listen to these women with their "lists," and they sound ridiculous but I too have a very specific list. But not b/c I'm looking for Mr. Perfect – just Mr. Perfect For Me. In other words, I don't want to put it all on the line for someone that is just gonna leave me feeling empty the way that dayl8dollashort so eloquently described upstream. I am not resilient. After going "all in" and losing, it takes me a while to catch my breath. So w/in the 1st three dates I'm analyzing: Does it look like he'll be supportive like I need him to be? Does it look like we'll argue fairly and constructively? Do I foresee major communication problems? If any of the answers to these (and several other) questions lean in the wrong direction, I lose interest pretty fast. Trying to tell the future. Stupid I know, but I can't help it.

    Needless to say, I'm going on 4 years of not being in a monogamous relationship.

  13. "…you can’t give 35 % and expect someone to give their all…" <— so true! I've been effed over so many times in my (relatively) short life that I've had to choice but to let it effect me. What I do NOT do though is make my new man pay for my ex's transgressions. You're going to be a little more guarded and it'll be a little easier to spot bs BUT you have to give 100% in order to get 100%. The last time I was hurt I took a few years off to regroup. I wasn't planning on a new relationship even now but its happened and I'm in love (maybe for the 1st time). Yes, my current bf may end up cheating on me. If that's the case then it wasn't meant to be and I'll probably have to go on strike for a bit again. But I owe it to my bf & his daughter to be the best gf I can be. Everyone has or (probably will) get their hearts broken at some time in their lives but the way you handle it (by not being an a-hole to the next few people you choose to be with) shows the type of person you truly are. If you allow a (few) bad relationships to change you for the worst, that person hasn't just broken your heart they have broken YOU. Now no one man (or woman) should have all that power! -Mr. West 😉

    1. If you allow a (few) bad relationships to change you for the worst, that person hasn't just broken your heart they have broken YOU.

      And this was in fact one of my"issues" with this post: owning the heartbreak and letting it kind of define your future.

      No one is exempt from heartbreak, and I'm sure everyone has experienced it. You're heart was broken…so what do you do now? I think it's totally unfair to wage mind f*ckery on the oppposite sex w/ defense mechanisms b/c they are not that person that hurt you. If the heart break was that bad:

      a. seek counseling #NoSarcasm

      b. voluntarily bench yourself from dating until you're ready to give 100%…not only to a potential interest, but to yourself

      I'm not saying one should be all willy nilly w/ their emotional investments. Learn from past heartbreaks and act accordingly. However, I do think a little self-reflection should take place in the role that you played in it.

      I

      1. *scratches head*

        What gets me here is that this post isn't really arguing any points that need to be co-signed. It's not even about justifying mental f*ckery or playing with the emotions of women. It's just a look inside a male's head on a topic that not many men like to talk about. It's also a "yeah, we go through this too and it hurts us more than y'all sometimes when it does happen."

        **shrugs**

        1. I (for one) acknowledge what the post is saying & whole heartedly agree and looooooove u for posting – even though I kinda knew, ya'll don't hide heartbreak well.

          But I think the natural mind progression is okay… so you've been broken but now what?

        2. I wasn't implying that the post was justifying mind f*ckery (and I wasnt' speaking about you specifically either). I feel it happens to both genders when people are extremely guarded and holding on to past heartbreaks. Not sure where the co-signing comes into play.

      2. I agree. It's called Transference when people punish/expect things from a new lover due to past disappointments. They aren't the person that hurt you so don't punish them.

        At the same time, our environment molds us. And in the environment of broken hearts what mentality do you think catches on?

    2. Touche on your whole comment HP. And honestly, some people do plain out get broken from it. Everyone doesn't and can't react the same. My point with the post wasn't to argue that my way of handling things is the right way. It's just a look inside my head at a point in time. I'm the king of introspection,.lol. So even though I didn't talk about it all in the post, I've went through a serious of steps to make sure I don't sabotage whatever is next for me in the dating department as a result of past foolishness.

      1. Slim…

        I def didn't take your post as you saying your way was the right way. I don't comment on every post…just the ones I enjoy & feel I have something to contribute. My response was for men & woman…to let people know my stance on it. I don't believe the post or anyone's response was right or wrong. Every comment is thought provoking & for me that's the whole point!

        1. Oh no doubt HP. I def didn't take offense. You shared some good thoughts that activated my fingertips. I'm also guessing some other people out there are using the same line of thinking but don't comment so I wanted to clarify for them as well. I think we got lines crossed because one of my replies was to someone else on the thread. Ah well, comment on!

  14. i absolutely adore this post.

    Being surrounded by guy friends I've seen how deeply guys can fall and how long it takes them to get back up and working. I think as women we're often so in touch with our emotions that when we fall, we cry it out, and get right back up.

    We often don't realize how much of an effect we have on guys because we think a lot of men have a don't care attitude.

  15. This post was great Slim. Heartbreak is hard. Dealing with the pain takes fortitude. I used to wonder why men would get so frustrated with jaded women knowing that a lot of us have been hurt before. Most of us (women) are resilient the first few times we fall, not blaming Love but blaming the other person or the structure of the relationship. Then you get to heartbreak 6 or 7 and you wonder if Love is really for you.

    I hear LaBakir & Hebrew Princess loud & clear though. Men seem to let 1 heartbreak define their whole dating experience. I know men don't love as often – I also know that by all logic that might mean they love harder. But some chick does them wrong in ways unimaginable ONE time & all of a sudden that man is on a dating war path. He's walking around w/ a bullet proof vest on and armoured tank for a heart. For women sometimes it just feels like BS, when we have to bounce back all the time. We can't even let ourselves appear jaded or else we face immediate judgment. Why should that ONE girl who broke your heart 8 years ago control how you react to women now?

    My advice: Embrace the pain; open up to it. Acknowledge that it happened and work through it. You can't heal a wound that's getting no air & a closed hand can't receive.

    1. I just think that the "I've had my heartbroken and this is why I do what I do" song can become a crutch. And at the end of the day, it doesn't do any good.

      And I'm not trying to be insensitive. Yes, heartbreaks suck…but you gotta pick yourself up and move forward just like any other areas of your life. I"m sure many of us wouldn't be in the positions we are today if we used our childhoods or prior circumstances as excuses. *shrugs*

    2. Yeah that's why I said I'm not emotionally resilient like that and neither are many of my comrades. Though the dissenting comments are starting to make sense when put in the perspective of your comment. Good stuff.

  16. I've been hurt before but I can't say with confidence that I've been heartbroken. However, those experiences did change me. I have hard time opening up about my feelings nd what bothers me to my S/O nd difficulty becoming attached to people. Which means I am known to be fickle or suddenly uninterested. Which is horrible because I know how it feels to be on Cloud 9 with someone u think you have a connection with then suddenly dropped. Not to mention that Im horrible with break ups because I try to spare people's feelings and instead if ripping off band-aids, I end up tugging nd pulling at their hearts.

    Just saying Im am very sorry to the girls left to pick up the pieces. But because of these incidents, I've taken a break from all relationships because even in fwb relationships people tend to get attached.

    Just goes to show how there can be a cycle of heartbreak as dangerous as a virus. The cure is having a gentle patient love and working together with someone to heal the scars left.

  17. Slim aka pillow: u are doing it right dear. A lot of us women know what you wrote in this post, but it is refreshing for a man to acknowledge it and go a little deeper. They always say acknowledging and accepting are the first steps to being healed. You are a wonderful man and any WORTHY young lady would be lucky to have you. Communicating your feelings will let you know right off the bat whether the woman you are dealing with has the strength to work through/heal the past heartbreaks that have left little scars on your heart. She should let you know verbally followed by her actions. With that said during the whole process, your progress would need to be shown to her letting her know she's on the right path thus allowing the pair of you to build something extraordinary ;). Smiles and positivity

    Miss ya.

  18. Let me say that this is one of the best blogs I've read from Oluslimye AdeJackson.

    It takes a lot to write these feelings on paper, especially for "da bruhz" lol…

    Seriously though, you summed up what goes through a man's mind well, and finally gave me inspiration for tomorrows post…

  19. Slim, this was an excellent post! I love when you guys break down the vulnerable side of men.

    I've never experienced that type of heartbreak, but with how you expressed it–I could empathize. I really enjoyed your writing, especially the metaphors.

  20. I wouldn't say I've been heartbroken. I would say dissappointed. It's probably the same thing. Maybe heartbroken is when you are blinded by love. I'm too rational for that. So more often I'm just dissappointed when people say they love me and then don't live up to what they said.

    I guess the effect it has had on me is that I just don't do as much dating as a I used to. I think it's kinda like a 40 year old NFL quarterback. He can feel and see what's gonna happen before it happens and only throws the right pass. That's how I feel now. I don't chase every female that flirts with me. In most cases I can see the BS coming my way. So I only pursue when I know it's right.

    In most cases relationships don't seem worth the trouble. I guess I've grown a little tired of women who just seem to want drama and someone to blame for them not being happy. So keep you relationships…..I've got DirectTV and strip club money. That's better intellectual and sexual stimulation than most females seem capable of providing these days. 🙂

  21. "That’s better intellectual and sexual stimulation than most females seem capable of providing these days'

    ~If we were friends I would say to you "and it's that cynical attitude right there that's gonna keep your azz right where you're at"

    It would be a joke…and we both would laugh our azzes off…but I won't say it to you because you might get all huffy and cuss me out. LMAO

    1. I don't think I'm cynical at all. I know what I want and what I don't want. I pursue what I want when I see it. And don't waste my time on the rest.

      As far as staying where I am…..who said I wasn't happy where I am? If I wanted to be in a relationship I'm sure I could match.com my way into one within a few weeks. 🙂

  22. this is a real post. as you can tell from my posts and comments i really don't care about being labeled emo. i'm comfortable with mine. i've dealt with real heartbreak once in my life. not a good feeling at all. i know it changed me in different ways. some ways were for the better and some for the worse.

    "Yeah, I am. Do I find myself feeling equally as unfulfilled after sex as I did beforehand because I realized I don’t care about the woman laying next to me? Yeah, that happens too. Am I more ambiguous in describing how I feel now as a result of past mistakes and pain? You know it."

    this right here is some real ish. sleeping with chicks to get over the person you really want to be with is destructive behavior and all you're really doing is building negative emotions on top of negative emotions.

  23. Greatly enjoying this post and comments as well — I have nothing to add

    BUT

    SJ or any other SBM, can you answer one of the reader's (KN) earlier question, I am interested in knowing this response as well? THANKS

    “Just remember that the guy you can’t get to commit, can’t get to tell you how he feels, and can’t seem to make sense of may have taken a traumatizing ride on the emotional roller coaster. You have 2 choices. Stay and work with him or be on to the next one.”

    KN: So how do I know that to stay and work with him is the right thing to do?

    1. Eventually, you need to ask if you want to be with him as he gets through it or if you want to leave. He needs to be straight with you too and you need to be really resolute else he'll string you along, all the while having a moat and a couple of dragons around his heart.

      But in the end, it's your choice. I got to the point where something had to give..and it did.

  24. I can not tell you how great it feels to read a mans prespective on this!!!! Bravo

    Heart break can be a muther!!! Sometimes it does feel as though you have been broken along with your heart. With that said take time to take care of youself before jumping back into the fire… no one wants to be bothered with someone who is still dealing with issues caused by another. In the end its not fair to either person involved.

  25. This post was on point.

    There was a point in time where I thoughtlessly did thoughtful things. There was a point in time where women began with my trust and it was theirs to lose.

    +100

    It kinda sucks how now we have to double-check ourselves since it's like by default we're looking to prevent an okey-doke.

    On top of that, when women get hurt, there's moral support near and far. All she has to do is post a FB status and women (and men) flock. For a homie, you're either vilified or simpified with a side of "suck that ish up!"

    I've done what I can to make any future potential relationships as fair as possible, but there are and will be those times where my past experiences will prevent me from going as far or doing as I much as I could. I understand that happiness is one's personal responsibility. I refused to have my past interfere with how I treat my lady. But seriously, I'm not going to open myself up for a kick in the nuts. I'm a great boyfriend once I'm your boyfriend but only as your boyfriend. Life isn't fair but Love isn't first come first serve. Once I'm committed, I'm committed+no baggage. My time and energies are priceless. I've learned not to care about hurting people's feelings when dismissing them. I'd rather do that then be like a gazillion others being shady during a relationship b/c they call themselves coping with their past.

    Heartbreaks happen, some more painful than others. I've learned that getting all emotionally stuck on one person isn't the move. Give your all but keep your love for yourself. I still have to eat, work, sleep, bath, pay bills, sleep, etc… I can't allow anyone or any emotional state hinder my well-being since it's MY responsibility to maintain myself. No one will ever do it for you b/c they simply just can't.

    1. You have just touched my soul!!! And as a female I can concur with us having moral support near and far however I am not down with the fb statuses… lol

  26. Wow…

    I got a little emotional reading this post and all the comments.

    Heartbreak sucks!!! I don't like thinking about it because it still gets to me. When someome you love and trust betrays your love and trust, it can and will change you. I'm much more guarded now, and I listen very closely to the things a man may say, and I listen to the things he doesn't say. I've dated a little, but its been much easier for me to stay off the market then to take a chance, and unlocking the gate. And this is ok for me. My emotional well-being has to come first.

  27. This is indeed a great post… Question though? How are we (read: women) supposed to magically know all of this? Men keep these past hurts to themselves and express (read: act out) them in equally hurtful ways to their next SO. Short of not participating in the usual list of tomfoolery that people should do in relationships, how are we supposed to know that a seemingly innocent action/gesture/etc under normal circumstances is as red flag because of a man's past experience. Worst yet, how are women supposed to know that even being in a relationship might be a stretch (of faith) considering what has happened before…

    All of this to say, maybe women wouldn't walk around thinking men don't get their feeling hurt if men would admit that their feeling get hurt a little more often…

    1. "All of this to say, maybe women wouldn’t walk around thinking men don’t get their feeling hurt if men would admit that their feeling get hurt a little more often…"

      And that is exactly the reason I wrote this post. One thing to note, which I may address in another post, is that men aren't usually looked at too highly once they disclose baggage, issues, etc. In general, people have to put on shows during the dating process because if people were really honest, potential partners wouldn't like what they heard. One of the biggest things I hear on these e-streets is "nobody likes an insecure man". With that being the case, why would we wanna show anything?

      1. Exaclty! Soon as a man shares his feeling he is a punk. He is whining. A lady at my job actually has a "No Whining" sign in her cubicle. Now most people don't have signs but they feel the same way. When a women has feeling she is "venting." A man is whining or [email protected] Not exactly a lot of room for men to be sensitive.

      2. let's not use the term insecure.

        Although I like a guy who can be honest and real (and yes at times that includes being emo)- i cannot get down with a man that feels so unsure about himself that he takes it out on me. I think that's where the distinction is drawn. You can hurt. You can tell me about the hurt. We can work through the hurt together. But you cannot use your hurt to hurt me… (or snatch me by the hair cuz you thought you saw me smile at the waiter)

  28. "Heartbreak has given me more nightmares than alcohol and benadryl. It has drained me more than the heat of a mid-summer day and left me infinitely re-charging. It.Sucks."

    i felt this statement in my gut…. your post was real

    thank you for always giving the perspective we need to understand our male counterparts.

    the best cure for me was time…

  29. I am late to the party Slim but this was a great post. It was refreshing to hear that men can be curled up in fetal position due to heart break (kidding…kinda). An ex of mine had a woman before him that stomped his little heart out. He would use the analogy that he was "locked up in a castle and would only lower the draw bridge to let me in when he was ready." Once in awhile he would say "You're still on the moat…but I really do want to let you in." He eventually did let me in but it took LOTS of patience and although our relationship ended it was on good terms. We still have a great friendship to this day…I think I helped him regain his faith in love.

  30. i kind of love this post. good job.

    don't really have anything to add because having 5 brothers, i have seen any and all that heartbreak can and will do to a man. lol.

  31. Aww I'm digging these emo posts here and on 3 ways.

    I am not surprised by your emo-ness Slim…you are a pisces lol

    I am kinda backwards. I started out guarded…not jaded, but truly guarded. I've never been heartbroken, because I never gave myself the opportunity. After experience something similar to heartache recently due to a missed opportunity. I told myself the next time it will be different and I will put myself out there. So oddly I'm ready for whatever happens, heartbreak even, bring it on.

    I just want to feel something.

  32. Long time lurker, first time commentor. I'm in my early 20s and experienced a heartbreak early on in my innocence. I've neva been the same since. I every word you said is true. As a young man I look at woman differently neva giving my all for fear of hurt. I know I'm a good dude but I can't help but treat woman the way I do because of that 1 heart break. I hope that one day it makes me a better person because of it, but untl like u said I find someone that is willing to work wit me for the better, ill remain 'damaged goods' for lack of a better term. Can't help it

  33. Slim, very insightful and honest post. It actually works both ways when it comes to heartbreak. Men may wonder why a certain woman is the way she is–its because she gave her all to some joker who shattered her world.

    In the end, everybody have to deal with those wounds and let those feelings go. Easier said than done but it can be done.

    Definitely go into a new relationship with some caution. I wouldn't advise anyone to go into one blindly.

  34. As much as it sounds like a noble idea for a woman to show loyalty, patience and understanding towards her man (or potential love interest) who's been hurt in the past, in reality, she is not likely to win his heart and reap the benefits she is hoping to gain by getting to turn this scared, commitment phobic man into a loving committed man who eventually rewards her with high quality love for her dedication to him.

    As a qualified Clinical Psychologist who specialises in relationships, i am all too aware of the principles of human behaviour, and as an experienced clinician i can tell you with a degree of certainty that a woman automatically lessens her chances of being "the one" if she takes on a Florence Nightingale / Rescuer / amateur psychologist role with her man in an effort to help him get over and heal his past relationship wounds.

    Why is this?

    Well, the bottom line is that no man wants to associate himself with a woman who "rescued" him and got to know all his insecurites and weaknesses. He will forever associate that woman with his old and vulnerable past.

    As a man starts to heal past wounds, and reinvent himself to become a better person and partner, he often chooses a brand new woman by his side (who is not associated with his "broken man" days) to play out his new and improved self with.

    This explains why so many woman around the world lament about men who they've stuck by and helped to "improve", only for him to take off with a TOTALLY different woman who gets to reap the benefits of all previous woman's hard work and devotion. It is the new woman who most likely gets to experience a better quality of love from this man.

    I am sure you will agree that if we had a dollar for every woman who cried "after all i've done for him" we'd all be billionaires by now!

    At the end of the day, most hurt, "damaged" men subconsciously (and sometimes consciously) know they are damaged and subsequently are not able to give their best to a relationship, so they think that if a woman is prepared to stick around anyway, in an attempt to nurse them and shower him with understanding and unconditional love in an attempt to help them "heal", then they think that she must, on some level, also be damaged (and needy and desparate) in her own right.

    When a man comes to think that a woman is damaged herself, he will find it hard to respect or appreciate her and once the respect or appreciation is not there, then it becomes easy for him to move on to what he perceives as better quality of woman to give his love and commitment to. Invariably, this new woman tends to be less tolerant of his commitment-shy, " i've been hurt so woe is me" behaviours, so therefore she commands his respect and gets the best from him.

    So to all the ladies out there who have come accross a broken hearted man that they like and are considering taking on the "little miss patient" role and the associative, "i will help mend your broken heart with my understanding and unconditional love" mentality, i have just one word for you……….BEWARE!!!

  35. I am not sure how I missed this post since I check this site on a daily basis but I totally LOVE this post. Men never show that they get hurt and can take so long to admit their feelings. Women do take their own time, yes, but men seem to take longer to recover from heartbreak. I was in the situation you described ("Just remember that the guy you can’t get to commit, can’t get to tell you how he feels, and can’t seem to make sense of may have taken a traumatizing ride on the emotional roller coaster. You have 2 choices. Stay and work with him or be on to the next one.") and chose to move on (ie., not to the next someone but to get some space and be single for awhile)…I wanted to wait but couldn't… while I cannot fault him for taking his time over his earlier heartbreak, there was a part of me that was wishing he would just man up and admit his feelings. See Slim, I too have been hurt and waited for SEVEN years to heal (I know, crazy isn't it) and when I finally did, I learned that I would never wait again for anyone…some would say I was being impatient but then it's hard to be patient sometimes…once bitten twice-shy and all that. Love is love and heartbreak is heartbreak, regardless of gender.

  36. I'm trying to limit my responses to posts to which I have more than a line to contribute, but I simply had to say that I love the sincere honesty behind this piece.

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