Home Guest Post Are you ready for an open relationship? by @Maxfab

Are you ready for an open relationship? by @Maxfab

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This is Heaven's VIP room

Ever since Mo’Nique started airing her business all over the talk show circuit, the open relationship has been the blogosphere’s most misunderstood and maligned topic.

Whenever the subject comes up, the general sentiment is that open relationships are nothing more than a #swindle and a euphemism for “ I have a cheating man”. That men in open relationships are selfish a$holes who want to have their cake and eat it too this part is actually true and that women who “agree” to be in open relationships do so because they lack self-esteem and/or want to please their wayward men.Allow me to step up on my soapbox for a moment to proclaim loudly that this is a bunch of bullshit.

But first, let’s take a pause for the cause to establish a definition of open relationships. According to the internet’s greatest gift to the world,  “An open relationship is a committed relationship in which either or both partners consent to the other partner being free to have emotional and/or physical relationships with others, often within mutually agreed limits. If a couple in an open relationship are married, it can be called an open marriage.”



Notice that the words cheating, cake, and eat it too appear nowhere in that description? An open relationship is not a license to cheat, it’s not supposed to be a means through which one partner can disrespect or mindfcuk the other, it’s a choice that a couple makes that theoretically improves the health and/or longevity of their relationship. But don’t get it confused, open relationships aren’t for everybody. It takes a special kind of person and a special kind of relationship for it to work. And who better than I – a veteran of the open relationship – to school you on what it takes?

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See the first thing about open relationships – and this is especially for my ladies – is that you have to be really secure about your shit. Not just call yourself secure, but actually be secure. Your attitude has to be something along the lines of “that negro knows where his bread is buttered so it really doesn’t matter where he wanders off to because he will come running back”….

The other thing is that you can’t look at sex as being the defining characteristic of your relationship. This is a tough one, because we’ve been socialized to believe that the difference between a boyfriend and a boy friend is that the former gets ass and the latter doesn’t. You have to believe that your relationship transcends the physical in order to be able to stomach the knowledge that your dude is getting beats from another chick while you’re at home watching True Blood on PVR.

Another key characteristic you have to have if you want to succeed in an open relationship is that you have to be reasonable. And fair. As in – if you agree at the beginning that you’re okay with the idea that your lady can step out from time to time, you cannot then get angry when your lady steps out from time to time. It seems so simple right? But jealousy is an ugly green bitch and when she comes around reason and logic tend to fly out the window and that’s why you end up having conversations that go like this:

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Pseudo-scorned lover: “you were out fcking!”
Innocent lover: “Um yeah…but we’re in an open relationship, that’s allowed”.

1. You can’t get mad

Once the relationship is open and you’ve established your parameters, you officially forfeit your right to get mad that your lovebunny is taking beats from someone else. Actually – let me rephrase that. You can get mad all you want but I’m gonna need you to keep it to yourself.

2. You can’t be a jackass about it

This is where most open relationships seem to go left. It’s one thing to have “options” in your relationship, it’s quite another thing to be tacky about it. Men – you may have the right to spend the night with a next girl but I beg you not to come home and ask wifey to rub ointment on the scratch marks she left on your back. And ladies, I know you may be excited to have the opportunity to get your salad thoroughly tossed by someone who does not share your man’s hangups, but please try and refrain from throwing that in his face the next time you get in an argument.

3. You must be confident in your relationship

My needy girls, my crazy dudes, you have your place in the world but I beg you to sit this one out. To quote a great man, the open flex is strictly for live men, not for freshmen. If you are the type to start freaking out every time someone so much as looks at your boo-piece, please don’t attempt this move, unless you enjoy spending your nights gnashing your teeth wondering where your partner is and who what he’s doing.

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At the end of the day you can determine whether you’re ready for an open relationship with one simple exercise: Close your eyes. Picture your bona fide getting smashed to bits by the #1 object of her masturbatory fantasies. Really try to put yourself in the moment, hear the moaning and the intoxicating sound of flesh slamming into flesh…then say to yourself, “He’ll be back. He knows where his bread is buttered”. If you’re soothed by this thought, you’re officially cleared for open relationships. If tears are streaming down your face or you’re bent double with stomach cramps, abort mission.

But what do you guys think? Is there a right or wrong way to approach an open relationship or is it something we shouldn’t even be attempting? Would you be in one?

Written by: Max

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Comment(157)

  1. If I may I'd like to add 1 caveat…..keep that isht between you and your partner as much as possible…..it definitely isn't for everyone and everyone will have an opinion….after all is said and done it is between the consenting parties…..other than thast it is seemingly so somple yet so complicated…..just another reason I am single because I have no reason to cheat

    1. Yes good one. Especially because any woman who goes around loudly proclaiming that she is in an open relationship is basically branding herself a fast-ass heaux.

    2. other than thast it is seemingly so somple yet so complicated <<<>>>should be "that" and "simple"….blackberry and big thumbs don't mix

  2. Well color me insecure cuz this is a big no-go in my book–although I know a couple who this works really well for. They've established a couple of off-limits people, but for the most part anything goes. He uses his "privileges" a great deal more than she does, and my face doesn't. Let me hide my disdain for it when it comes up, but I am from the school "what u eat doesn't make me ish", so to each their own…as long as my S/O doesn't get any ideas.

  3. Ladies don't do it. lol.

    Men have been doing this for years…and they have mastered it. Play to your strengths..this is not a lifestyle in which we can win ladies….

    Nice change of pace Max….good post.

    #thatisall

    1. QueenT: Play to your strengths..this is not a lifestyle in which we can win ladies….

      Ummmmm I don't know about that… I think it all depends on the emotional state of the woman.

      Ex: A couple who have been together for years built a life together a very comfy life might I add, the wife/girlfriend WANTS for nothing but she isn't truly happy in her marriage/relationship but at the same time she doesn't want to give up her cushy lifestyle — an Open Relationship would be the perfect solution to this BUT with discretion of course and keep it respectful and out in the streets NOT close to home.

      The couple should also keep it between themselves, no need to have family/friends all up in their bizness judging and whatnot.

      GREAT POST MAX!!!!

      1. Thank you!

        And I agree – it's all about the emotional state of the parties involved. I've never had a problem doing it. <del>But then again I have no soul.</del>

      2. But see… my question w/ this is if she isn't truly happy w/ her relationship, why be there at all? Or better yet why not try to fix whatever it is then getting involved elsewhere?

        1. I agree with you on that. I don't recommend opening a relationship as a way to compensate for its issues….that's a recipe for disaster.

        2. I repeat…..Champagne Life (cushylivin) and not wanting to give that up at that particular moment which often times is WHY a lot of woman stay in marriages/relationships PLUS kids/dogs etc.

          Her unhappiness doesn't necessarily have to be due to some major problems it can sometimes SIMPLY just be boredom/complaceny/tired of day 2 day routine that long term marriages can often times bring.

  4. Me personally, can swing with this idea (see what I did there?), but most guys would be FRONTING if they claim to be secure enough to handle this.

    A better segway to this would be consensual wife swaps or multi-party sexual arrangments (orgy) where the couple can see each other, so there is no secrets.

    1. "A better segway to this would be consensual wife swaps or multi-party sexual arrangments (orgy) where the couple can see each other, so there is no secrets."

      *strokes beard in deep thought*

    2. A better segway to this would be consensual wife swaps or multi-party sexual arrangments (orgy) where the couple can see each other, so there is no secrets.

      Nahh, I'm good on this ^^^^^^

      Visual Ignorance is Visual Bliss don't need to know or see the particulars.

    3. This is something I am willing to try in ANOTHER relationship. Not the one I have going on right now, which from the looks of things will be my last, but in another relationship where the swinging is known from the start I would be down to atleast experiment…

      start with something that is easliy acceptable like a soft swap than if we are both comfortable go with a full swap. But I can't pretend like there aren't mental territorial hurrdles that I have to get over.

      1. The mental hurdles are the worst… I posed the question to a friend and he said he'd be most uncomfortable w/ the thought that his chick just got out from under some dude and came to hop in the bed w/ him to go sleep. LOL.

        & the question arose, what if you see your side-piece out in public? Getting over it when you don't see them is one thing.

        Additionally, what if we're out on the street and see one of these guys? Wouldn't that be weird?

        "Oh, that's just my friend from last week baby. He was just saying hi."

        …….Oh for real? – from his email

  5. This could work if the playing field is leveled.. Let's be honest Monique's situation is one-sided her hubby gets to beat how much and whoever he wants but she claims she doesn't. If I'm not mistaken same thing with Will and Jada but then again as Max stated in a reply woman should definitely keep their mouths closed as to not come off as a heaux so maybe both playing fields are leveled. *shrug*

    Do you really think a Man could handle an open relationship with his wife/gf/boobear? I DOUBT IT!!!!

  6. good post and points. not that i'm insecure in my ish but i just couldn't deal with the thought of some other dude drilling my lady. i'm cool on open relationships. more power to will and jada though.

  7. The thought of an open relationship is one thing but an open marriage is another. I believe here in 2010 the traditions & values of marriage is broken and this is partly the reason. Yes everybody has the right to live the life they so choose but just know that your actions of the 'open marriage' damages that very foundation. Now a relationship is like the scouting of teams in a sense and if you guys decide that an 'open' relationship allows you to test each other out while keeping eyes open for others then so be it. I just think there should be a line drawn when it comes to marriage. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should do it.

    1. That's an interesting thought. I would think that a marriage may very well be the likeliest relationship that would need to be open (eventually). I'd be pretty understanding if a long-term married couple decided they should have an open relationship, better than being unhappy and/or divorcing.

      Also, welcome!

  8. Good post Max… like really good. LOL. It makes me think.

    I wouldn't call myself insecure at all, & while theoretically I might entertain this for a long distance relationship… I don't think it would be equal. A relationship is more than the physical… you're right about that & if we are separated by distance allowing him to have his physical need serviced somewhere else sounds like a great idea but I don't think it would work for me. Not b/c of jealousy… but the playing field wouldn't be level at all. I am mostly chex = emotions type of girl, and I don't play myself like I can get beats w/o being attached to someone. So while it may work for a while, eventually we're gonna have problems. Either that or I would be the one not taking advantage of the openness of said relationship.

    Additionally, if we are in a relationship we should be able to talk about/share any and everything. If we can't talk about things (i.e., the partners we're sleeping with) then we begin this whole malstrom of keeping things from one another. The one area – communication – that we are supposed to be open about is thus restricted b/c we're open somewhere else. Hm…

    1. But how can you talk to someone else that you love that you're starting to like or love someone else? This reminds me of that show Sister Wives. How do polygamist households really work? Can emotions be split up that much?

      1. Right. Which is why for me I don't see this working. In theory it sounded like it may work in one case but I wouldn't able to sleep w/ someone else (especially if it was only ONE someone) w/o forming an emotional bond eventually… that's just me.

        & I have a friend whose husband qualifies as a polygamist. I'll ask her.

        1. I have a friend whose husband qualifies as a polygamist. I’ll ask her.

          Huh…… (qualifies as a polygamist)??

          *bbm confused*

        2. Yup. He's married to her & two other women. LOL. Craziest isht I know. Technically (by the state of MD) he's only married to one of them, which one… I don't know. She won't tell me. But they have all been married to him via the religious worship house they belong to just like something off Sister Wives. LOL. Except they don't live together… each wife has her own house/apartment with their respective children (if she has any) that he pays for. He supports them all. He is a #BAWSE

        3. Polygamy cannot be compared to this IMO. Polygamy was something set in place to assure that ALL women have an opportunity to be taken care of physically and financially AND the most importantly the MAN has to have the financially means to be able to do this to keep chaos down.

          *yeah I watch and LOVE BIG LOVE*

          Nothing like an open relationship. I somewhat understand polygamy but not this. In circles where this is legal and agreed upon, its actually healthier than someone being deceptive as in cheating.

          .

        4. Whoa!!!!

          Okay but since most states don't recognize polygamy unless he got married on the BigLove Compound (Jasper Creek) *giggle* BUT for real…

          He is actually a Bigamist, now with that being said that can bring repercussions (financial and judicial) if either one of his wives were to decide she no longer wants to play Sisterwife. #Craziness

          One more question: Is this a brotha your talking about who is married to 3 women (Sistas or 2520s)?

        5. Yeah, I too have seen sistahs join in on this (although not legal). Since its not legal here, we will not know the stats on how successful these marriages are.

          Same for the open relationships.

          Will and Jada are celebrities—their world is not our reality. They travel often, have money and understand how that industry works. Now, the end of the story is what I wanna….

          However, how will any of know the REAL reason people stay together. Will may hate the fact that Jada has a gf, but for the sake of his babies….sticks around….

        6. i would atleast fake belief in a higher power just to have a shot of being a black polygamist. That dude is my hero.

          I just hope all his wives are fairly attractive, b/c you really aren't getting the cream of the crop when you are dealing with morman women

          #shotsfired @latterdaysaints

        7. LOL @ CHeeKZ.

          They aren't Latter Day Saints, they are of the mosque going faith. And my friend is attractive (although according to SBM's post on Monday I don't have the right tools to determine that), I don't know about his other wives.

    2. I think communication is the key thing and it's different with every relationship. Some couples are more don't ask, don't tell and others are 100% full disclosure…for me I've always been more of a "I don't need to know all the details but don't let me find out some ish on the streets that you should've told me" kinda girl.

      It's really all about finding the right balance for each individual couple and sticking to it.

      1. Ah… ok… hm…

        To tell or not to tell…

        I'd definitely be a no tell… but I'd want to know. LOL. & these conflicting emotions is why I'll just have to opt out. I do wonder though how a man would react if you brought it to the table. Like, "Hey hun, I'm satisfied w/ you and all but can we open this thing up to the world? I got gifts to share."

  9. Max, everywhere I look to read something, there you are! And I love it. Amazing post. Even if I don't agree with the open relationship tidbit, your reasons make sense. I'm not one to share a lovepiece at all. So the whole open relationship idea? Nah. I don't know how this made sense though (the definition):

    An open relationship is a committed relationship in which either or both partners consent to the other partner being free to have emotional and/or physical relationships with others, often within mutually agreed limits. If a couple in an open relationship are married, it can be called an open marriage.

    Now that's some fxckery to me. It can't be just me that feels this way. I can't but I support you and your maddening posts lol

  10. Open relationships and open marriages?? Explain to me why you even got together in the first place?? If you want the opportunity to be with other people, then be single! Get with everybody you want to then. Why wait till you have committed yourself to someone to want an open relationship? Makes no sense to me. I couldn’t do it.

    1. I think some people want to give and get all the great things about a relationship but have trouble with the monogamy aspect. So rather than cheating they give each other the right not to be monogamous.

      Not for everyone but not such a terrible thing in my opinion.

    2. I don't think someone is waiting until after they get into a relationship to get it opened all the time, of course there are those instances.

      I don't think anyone will get EVERYTHING that they need out of a relationship, no matter how well it works and whatever they may need. If their partner recognizes a gap that they can't fill and is okay with them filling that gap with another person who are we, the people that aren't in the relationship, to have anything to say about it?

    3. CAN YOU SAY JUDGEMENTAL?

      Being with only one person chexual is not the reason behind a relationship, feeling connected to that person and wanting to share your life with them is.

      the chex is just something society came up with and added on to the expectations of a relationship, if you can think outside of the box … you can find a way to make this work.

      Nothing wrong with being different.

  11. Really good post. This goes to my #1 rule when it comes to relationships. "You determine how your relationship is". I see so many people let others get involved in their relationship and it causes all kinds of problems.

    Fun fact: I was seeing a girl for about 18 months and she didn't become my girlfriend until 3 months before we broke up. I wasn't seeing anyone else and neither was she but we both knew where we were in the relationship. Besides, I was 27, wtf I look like having a girlfriend?

    I don't get the need for titles but I do go along with them if its so important to the lady.

  12. Now my head hurts. Because I always wanted to see something like this talked about. I can't see "commitment" and "open relationship" and "allowed emotional attachments to others" in an definition and be jiggy with it. Can't even see it happening successfully. But the fact that it does happen bottles my mind.

    1. I think it's baffling you because you're associating committed with monogamous. But I don't think they always have to go hand in hand.

      The part about forming emotional attachments with others does niggle a bit for me though. I have no problem with Mr. Max getting a thronx elsewhere but let me find out he told that bish some secrets and he's in trouble…

      1. I understand what you're saying & I'm gonna call you SuperMax, but you won't move me! Lol. I guess you're right but when do you ever openly admit you're wrong? BooYah!.

  13. Interesting post…

    I'm an emotional woman, I'm emotional about my man, and I'm emotional about our relationship, all aspects of our relationship. An open relationship will not work for me. I'll be insecure, but I'd rather be single than be in a partial relationship.

    Question… Other than celebrities, are there any open marriages/relationship that have actually worked to the benefit of both parties, regardless of who is stepping out?

    1. It's worked for me quite well in the past. Of the two important relationships I've been in, one was open some of the time and the other was open from the very beginning. In neither case was the openness of the relationship the source of problems or the cause of our break up.

      1. Not to pry, but was it open for both of you or just for you?

        Open relationships aren't a new thing. There is this old lady in my town who was a part of an open marriage. And she was fine with it until he started having kids all over the darn city. She stayed with him a long time, and didn't kick him out until all her children were adults. Interestingly enough, I think open relationships was a part of many relationships back in the day. And as long as the husband kept it quiet, it seemed to be ok with the wives.

        1. In both cases it was open for both of us.

          With the first one it was a distance thing; he was in school in the US so while he was gone he did his thing and I did mine. I never asked what he was up to (never really gave it much thought) and he never asked me.

          With the second I always knew what he was up to but that was more because we lived and worked together than because he was so forthright. He didn't know much about what I was up to but he was okay with that.

        2. You are right about this…

          Back then women didn't have too many options in life so if they left their man they were basically SOL, her and the kidz. So she had no choice BUT to accept the open marriage or whatever situation that came her way (taking care of hubby's outside kids in their home, and if the Man was on some EXTRAA *ish* the Chick would be up in there too sharing housechores and *ish*) ONE BIG FAMILY….

          Times have definitely changed!!!!!

      2. Max: I’ve been in, one was open some of the time and the other was open from the very beginning.

        In regards to the one that was open from the very beginning…. How did that come to be right off the bat so quickly?

        1. It was one of those things where you go on one date with someone and you have such a great time that you start seeing them every day and the next thing you know you're boo'd up.

          After a few weeks though we both kinda looked at each other like, yeah I'm so not ready for all this. We'd both been single for a looooong time and weren't ready to give up our freedom. We had a talk about wanting to be together but wanting to be free to pursue our other interests and what we landed on was let's try to do both.

  14. "But what do you guys think? Is there a right or wrong way to approach an open relationship or is it something we shouldn’t even be attempting? Would you be in one?"

    Besides even if I was not married, I know how people operate.

    People keep suggesting that men have it better but I disagree; the 'other" lady may fall in love and cause problems for his "open" relationship. And then there you go….

    Also, I think I some men would eventually have COW if he finds out she took a cream pie in the mouth form the "other' man and she has not done that for him yet….LOL.

    IMO, I think people are looking for trouble in this situation. AS much as people THINK they can, emotions are not as controllable as we think. People unknowingly find themselves caught-up with the other eventually; even if its on-sided.

    I COULD NOT do this. I am too visual. I would not like imagining my SO doing anything to another woman that he does with me…my ego hurts even thinking about it. Security has nothing to do with this, because how can anyone be SECURE wondering WHEN the baby, disease, or drama is coming? I don’t find these thing keeping anyone secure.

    Life is much more complex that making a verbal agreement to DO others outside the relationship. Not all variables are EVER taken into consideration when doing this.

    Sex is MORE than physical. So why would you want OTHERS all up in your connection…why not just be single?

    1. I think that sex is more than physical for some people…not for everyone. Some people are able to detach from sex and look at it as friction and therefore not be devastated by the fact that their partner has been rubbing himself up against another surface. If you can't detach your emotions from sex then yeah you're probably not wired for an open relationship but there are many people who can.

      1. If one is "detached" from sex what's the point? I don't want to just be someone's HOLE they run up in when they get tired of what's at home……

        What do you mean by friction?

        Yes, I have had sex before without the emotional connection and it was just a means to an end really. I would think that once you are IN a relationship these are things you want to avoid.

        I would be concerned with my SO motives and intentions in wanting the open relationship. One thing I would wonder: is this person just hanging around until they find the person they really want to be with and that somehow I have been talked into playing house until then.

        When I talked with people about this: its pretty clear that once you have the ONE, you don't want to share that.

        1. There is no "the one". Relationships depend too much on timing and ones level of being ready and open for a relationship

      2. In the past I have been able to detach from sex and not gotten emotionally attached to that person only because I wasn't committed to them. But here's my thing…if you're in a committed relationship, doesn't that mean you have attached in some way to that person? For me, I wouldn’t be able to have an open relationship at that point. You’re right though, it’s not for everyone and it’s not such a terrible thing. It apparently works for some. I had no idea about Will and Jada! Lol

    2. "I COULD NOT do this. I am too visual. I would not like imagining my SO doing anything to another woman that he does with me…my ego hurts even thinking about it. Security has nothing to do with this, because how can anyone be SECURE wondering WHEN the baby, disease, or drama is coming? I don’t find these thing keeping anyone secure."

      I thought about potentially doing it once, but this quote pretty much sums up why its not for me…

  15. An open relationship is really just a regular relationship where people choose not to lie. Let's be honest, a lot of married men and women cheat. Often times people in open relationships are just people that know themselves well enough to know that they will not be faithful for the next 50 or 60 years.

    An open relationship, for couples like Will and Jada, is really just an agreement that we will not break up over something as stupid as having sex outside of the marriage. Many people misinterpret what Jada said. That's all she really said. She said she would rather know her husband was effing someone than to have him hide it. That' s not really swinging. It's just honesty.

    And like the author mentioned in his post…..it always gets me how people claim love is so much more than sex….and God put us togehter…….but as soon as someon cheats the marriage is over. You could really argue the swingers have a better understanding of love.

    1. Exactly J. There are so many men and women going around getting into relationships knowing they are not willing/able to be faithful and lying to their partners about it. All an open relationship is is acknowledging that up front and giving the person the opportunity to make an informed decision about whether they want to be involved with someone who is taking beats elsewhere.

      1. Right!!!!

        See I think swinging is when you really don't care who your partner effs

        But being open is when you care….you might not even like it…..but you don't want your partner to sneak around and lie.

    2. Thank you for coming out and saying what we all know for so long to be the case. Cheating is not a new phenomenom and a portion of us born today are probably the result of it. Open relationships helps you avoid the hassle of hiding your sh*t and to uphold your commitment, sex is just that, its sex.

      1. It's not cheating though. Well to me its not. It's like having an open book test if anything. the answers may be in front of you but you still need to study.

        1. Animate: “It’s not cheating though. Well to me its not. It’s like having an open book test if anything. the answers may be in front of you but you still need to study.”

          Well, I meant cheating in regard to J’s comment of “a lot of married men and women cheat”. I guess if you eliminate the rule of exclusivity, you can no longer break the rule. Your point is duly noted. I’ll modify the comment to say:

          "The issue here isn’t cheating sleeping with other people. The issue is not catching feelings because your partner is cheating sleeping with other people.

  16. I'd like to think I'm secure and open-minded enough to go the open relationship route, but I don't really think I am. Although it's a conversation me and the ex had when it was clear that we both weren't too happy. He was actually all for it… until he realized it would be two-sided and I wasn't just agreeing to let him f*ck everyone/everything. In the end, I'm just not sure I would have been able to live with that arrangement.

  17. Now THIS is a post!

    I’ll just say I personally could only be in an open relationship if I didn’t really care that much about the woman I was dating, or it was in the beginning stages of a relationship. It’s virtually impossible to reduce $ex into merely a physical act of congress when you care about a person. They don’t call it “making love” for nothing.

    Being that I’m on the Forbes list of top love makers in the world, it doesn’t even boil down to jealousy, it’s possession (yeah, I said it). That’s MY woman. I don’t know of any man who could handle the thought of his woman, whom he truly cares about and would do anything for, drinking a baby milkshake concocted by some other man. Heaven forbid a man knows his woman’s boytoys and actually meets them. She’s like, “this is Harold who I was telling you about”; Harold is shaking your hand and thinking, “he’s kissing her and I skeeted in her mouth last week”. Every man who's been to college laughs and points and the guy who seriously dates the school wh0re.

    FWBs and one night stands are one thing because the emotional attachment isn’t there. But when you know the woman you care about has random peneses being inserted in her, it undermines the point of exclusivity and sharing your most intimate moments with one person. No man wants a come dumpster.

    1. "I’ll just say I personally could only be in an open relationship if I didn’t really care that much about the woman I was dating,"

      I've heard a lot of men say this. I'm starting to develop a complex about my past open relationships 🙂

      As far as possession goes, I feel you on that. But for me, I don't get possessive about my man's peen, I get possessive about his secrets and his thoughts. So I don't mind him taking a beats from someone else, I mind him telling her something he's never told me. That's why I can overlook him stepping out physically but emotional cheating is a no-go for me.

      1. I ain't mad at you (no Tupac. Literally, for you Machiavelli conspiracy theorists, there's no Tupac).

        If it works for you and your man, I'm happy for both of you. I just can't imagine walking into a night spot with my girl, and some dude sitting at a booth is giving me a look like, "yeah, I bust on those a$$ cheeks last Tuesday while you was at work!"

      1. Yeah, but that is something out of my control. I'm not going into a relationship saying, "well, you might mess around, so go on ahead and do it with my blessing". That's like buying a car, saying there's a chance I'll need to replace my engine, then pouring sand in it because you feel it's inevitable that you need to buy a new one.

        Besides, how can I beat her a$$ if I told her I was cool with it? (joking)

    2. You know Hugh your open relationship could mantain certain rules to avoid your pwn personal triggers.

      No raw doggy

      No kissing

      No giving him brain and no letting his children touch your skin….

      That way you know dude is only getting a limit, their still exist a treatment that is reserved only for Hugh

      **dead at your Tupac line. Classic**

      1. CHeeKZ: "You know Hugh your open relationship could mantain certain rules to avoid your pwn personal triggers."

        I do maintain certain rules. No fukcing, no humping, no grinding, no giving head, no receiving head, no salad tossing, no toe sucking, no getting her toes sucked, no getting her t!tties sucked, no kissing (except relatives on the cheeks), no intimate contact with other people whatsoever. She is allowed to give the "church hug".

        "**dead at your Tupac line. Classic**

        Actually, he's dead at it.

  18. I saw an episode on House that featured a couple with an open marriage and the reasoning behind it was that the husband provides 80% of what the wife needs and he 'freed' her to get the other 20 somewhere else. I'm not sure I agree with that philosophy but the scene that sticks in my head is when the side-piece came to visit the woman in the hospital and she kicked him out, like 'u ain't my man' type ish.His feelings were hurt (he brought flowers and everything). This arrangement is not for me, but I'm inclined to agree with Max, that it works only if the sharer knows who she's coming home to. The chex=emotions impulse must be stifled at all costs.

      1. I think the thing that people have difficulty wrapping their heads around is the idea of suppressing their feelings….no one wants to/think they can do that. And I'm not really suggesting that you do.

        The thing about feelings is that having them is one thing, how you express them is another. I would be lying if I said I never ever felt a way when one of my dudes banged a <del>buttfcuk ugly</del> next girl, it's human nature to occasionally feel a pang. But in this type of relationship you have to learn the proper way to express those feelings. You can't just fly off the handle. That's where the whole thing usually goes sour.

    1. I just caught that movie Up in the Air on cable. Similar thing happend. It almost brought tears to my eyes. That movie was nothing but the truth.

      1. I just saw that movie as well and that lady was cold as hell.

        **spoiler**

        How you gonna meet someone's family and not expect them to have feelings. Everyone doesn't meet the fam.

        1. **Spoiler**

          You hardley ever see a movie where you want to cry for a male character but that joint was messed up.

          And for me the whole movie reminded me of my life because I used to travel like him.

          And I have found myself in that exact situtation where basically the women was using him.

          People don't think stuff like that happens to men.

          Great movie for anyone that has ever lived that lifestyle.

  19. First and most importantly: If you like it, I love it…for you. If Monique wants to have hairy sex with the whole left coast and her husband doesn’t mind. Go on with your bad hairy self. But it's a resounding "No" that I am not "ready" (won't evah be "ready") for an open relationship.

    Call me insecure if you must, but homie don't play dat. But I don’t think that me wanting my man for myself makes me insecure, it makes me a monogamist. And one peen is plenty peen for me plus he’s got 10 fingers, a mouth, a tongue, that beautiful triangle back that even unshapely men have, strong arms, hopefully thick powerful thighs… *drool* yeah one man can keep me plenty busy. I’m confident in me. In my intelligence, in my cooking, in my nurturing, most definitely in my head game, in what I can offer a man, but none of that really matters if he has everyone else on earth to choose from for the night. I could be the baddest chick on Earth…doesn’t change one fact. Ain’t no pucci like new pucci.

    Within the agreed upon definition today it states "An open relationship is a committed relationship in which either or both partners consent to the other partner being free to have emotional and/or physical relationships with others, often within mutually agreed limits. If a couple in an open relationship are married, it can be called an open marriage.” [email protected], it can be emotional now too? Let's just call it what it is, polygamy. Not as glamorous or a catchy "buzz word" but fits the definition to my understanding. So it’s not even about “just sex” anymore…not that I could handle my husband having “just sex” with other ladies anyway… But this definition including “emotional relationships” negates your argument in your 6th paragraph.

    Let’s not even touch on the familial and physical ramifications.

    Sorry if I repeated other people’s comments, I haven’t gotten to read them yet. People really expect me to work around here? On a Friday??

    Again, cool for you. But as for me and my house: Monogamy for the win.

  20. Allow me to throw another spin at it. Most men I know would not let their woman get the vitamin D from another dude. What about another woman?

    I have a classmate who frequented a certain institution in Atlanta where people are on the barter system (swing on). He wouldnt let her mess with any other guys but she did mess with several other females while he was involved or watching in some capacity.

    Me personally this isnt for wifey, but with some of my fwb situations I would be all in.

    Thoughts?

    1. I never understood why guys think it's cool to have bi-sexual women. To me all that means is you can never satisfy your women cause you don't have the equipment.

      1. I think "have" and marry/wife up are two separate things in this instance. You are correct, I could kick it with one all day but nothing serious could ever come out of it. Eventually she would need something I just cant provide.

    2. I have a couple thoughts…

      This woman seems to have messed with other women simply to please the man.

      OR

      If she was indeed bisexual, then he didn't LET her do anything, she ALLOWED him to watch/get involved.

      Either way, I don't think I'd consider this an open relationship. *shrugs*

    3. Most men I know would not let their woman get the vitamin D from another dude. What about another woman?

      This isn't leveling the playing field…. This is still one-sided — so what's the point of an open relationship UNLESS the wife/gf/boobear is into woman as well?

      #Effnickyminaj

    4. I don't think the sex of the other person should matter. If my fiance cheated on me with another woman I'm not gonna say "oh, well thats okay cause it was a chick." No, she still cheated.

      I look at open relationships the same way. It shouldn't matter who the other person is with if it hasn't been discussed but I bet a shit ton of women would be pissed if their dude was playing "top-bottom" with buddy from down the street.

      FYI: I hate double standards lol

    5. C-Ro: "Most men I know would not let their woman get the vitamin D from another dude. What about another woman?"

      Animate: "I don’t think the sex of the other person should matter."

      See, being an overly logical person to a fault, I was going to ask this question earlier, but it would have taken this conversation for a disturbing turn for the worse. But since the door is open, I'll ask it now.

      Max, would you have had an issue in your past open relationships if your boyfriend told you he was with another man? If sex is just physical and is just “friction”, he’s “secure about (his) sh!t”, and you have “no problem with Mr. Max getting a thronx elsewhere”, would it matter if the friction was with a man instead of a woman?

      1. I had the same question…just didn't wanna come off as tart and judgmental…plus just because someone has way more "open" guidelines to their relationship, doens't mean that there are no boundaries.

      2. Okay since I haven't been in that situation before I can't say definitively, but theoretically speaking I can't see myself being more upset because he took a beats off a dude than if he took one off a girl. If anything I think it would be less upsetting.

        What would upset me though, is if he did that and I had no prior idea that he swung that way. That's kind of a big secret to keep from me; especially in this situation.

    6. This is why I think that people who do have open relationships are really using this as an excuse to continue seek out the person they would NOT want to share.

      Same with boytoys/jump offs. You could care less who they bang or date when you are not around, why? You don't really care and never considered being serious with that person.

      1. "This is why I think that people who do have open relationships are really using this as an excuse to continue seek out the person they would NOT want to share."

        hmm. I think you may be on to something…

    7. Things change when you change the gender of the other party. I would be 10000% down down another woman.

      Its like sharing your girl with a dildo. Not threat to my property at all.

  21. I used to say I wanted an open marriage because of my extreme relationship ADD but then I met a guy who I could see myself loving forever and wanting to do all the things that would make us work (when the time was right)… Not saying I've let go of the thought of the open marriage but at least for now I don't have thoughts of starting out that way.

    I am completely open to having an open relationship right now though simply because I'm so busy I may not have the time for an s.o. they way i'd like too. I'm also preferential to having a long distance relationship right now.

    1. I am completely open to having an open relationship right now though simply because I’m so busy I may not have the time for an s.o. they way i’d like too. I’m also preferential to having a long distance relationship right now.

      Okay, maybe I'm naive about this, but couldn't you just not be in a relationship. You don't have the time for an SO, so don't have an S.O.? Why get in a half-assed relationship just so you can have an open relationship? No shots, I am really curious/confunded about this, b/c it seems that the open relationships work for people who really shouldn't be in relationships in the first place.

      1. I respectfully agree, with the understanding that my definition of "relationship" and others can be vastly different.

        I personally believe that not getting everything that I want all the time is healthy. (like peen without responsibility)

      2. "Why get in a half-assed relationship just so you can have an open relationship?"

        Its not half ass NIA, its just different. Think of how different all your relationship have been from each other, its really not that different to add in just this twitch.

        1. I was going off of her saying she is too busy for an S/O. For me, I wouldn't attempt to have an S/O if I couldn't give him the time I thought he deserved. That's why I remained single throughout law school, and just dated. A relationship while I was in law school would have been half-assed on my part. But, that's me and how I define relationships. Everyone is different.

        2. NIA- i feel you on law school though. This first semester has been rough so I've been staying away from all types of relationships but should i calm myself down and feel the need for change later in the process- I could simple be open for a different type of relationship.

        3. @ Little Miss Sunshine

          Wait until the summer. I had a summer boyfriend, which worked perfectly b/c he was taking his butt back to his school in August. lol. It was nice while it lasted, but once classes started, I went ghost. Maybe I should have suggested an open relationship. I might be married to that boy by now. Darn!! lol.

      3. I could just not have an S.O. but there are some situations that I've encountered where I want to be with someone but right now is just not the perfect time (will there ever be a perfect time? who knows)… but the market out here these days is rough. It's a little selfish but I'd like to now that when I'm ready what I want is still there.

      4. Yeah I wanted to ask. If you don't have time for an S.O. then don't have one. Don't waste your time to be in an open relationship so you can call someone your bf but not have time for him and go on with your busy life where you may run into someone else who could have the same kind of schedule you have. Then one thing leads to another and you're sexing them. I mean, yeah that's the open relationship but you can do that without that label.

        1. I'm just stating for the record that an open relationships is not what you do when you don't have time for a "real" relationship. That wasn't where I was going with this post at all.

        2. forgive me if I'm wrong but you do an open relationship because it's a way of strengthening your relationship- as some have argued. Sometimes your relationship is weakened by your inability to give the time for sexual relationships. This is thus solved by allowing your partner to go outside of the relationship to get needs met…. So if I don't have the time to give you the sexy times I should just not be with you? That doesn't make sense to me. That's the lack of time that I'm talking about.

        3. I guess everyone has their own reasons for doing it, for me it's a function of an inability/unwillingness to be monogamous…nothing to do with time.

    2. "I am completely open to having an open relationship right now though simply because I’m so busy I may not have the time for an s.o. they way i’d like too. I’m also preferential to having a long distance relationship right now."

      Couldn't you just casually date?…. No need to have a open relationship if your too busy for a relationship your not married/engaged so why not just do the dating thing locally or long distance?

        1. hugh i've done that too but sometimes that ish just does not work. it becomes a relationship without the title… and if you're going to check up who else i could be kicking it with we might as well put some names on it.

  22. Yall ever notice married people always talk about keeping the sex fresh and new. You gotta role play and date your wife etc. etc.

    You know why they say this. Cause there is nothing like new P. LOL So when you married you gotta fool yourself into thinking your old P is new P.

    When you are dating you never have to dress up or role play etc. That new P was enough of a turn on.

    I'm just sayin….another argument for open marriage….stop tryin to make your old P some new P. Get the real thing. LOL

    1. Ever noticed how single people always…….BS!

      I am married and this is done to keep what you already have on point…It’s not about what you said.

      As with anything worth having and keeping you gotta work at, and maybe not working at it is why there is need for an open relationship. It's EASY. No work required.

      Chex with a new person can get old and tired if its not there anyway. I do not miss the rosy glasses coming off after having a great few months and then…..on to the next one.

      Imagine that feeling you do have at first lasting years…..that is what a good marriage feels like. How many couples you know climax together 5 years later? #justsayin….That’s the connection you miss out on not working…..

      The props, outfits and new places are FUN. Based on what you said single people DO NOT have fun chexing???? No?

  23. When I thought about it, especially Max's example of her open relationship…I think I might've had one too lol

    Not intentionally, or unintentionally, it was just right person wrong time type of situation because of the long distance. But the fact of the matter is I was NOT willing or ready to put in the effort a true relationship required of us at the time.

    I'm not emotional…so I don't find these situations pretty hard, BUT I do have a pretty high moral compass (fortunately and unfortunately) so a lot of these situations, though in theory I could do it… I just would not do.

    If I'm going to actually commit to something is going to be all or nothing….probably why I'm forever single. lol

  24. Damn Max did her thing! Really mad people think and got under some people's skin.

    The one element I wouldn't be comfortable with is the NOT knowing. I know it feels like to play that sucker role, look at this clown loving a girl I smash off like a wh0re. I would have to know that the person my partner mates with has some kind of respect for me and my girl. You can't be saying dirty lines to her like "O you like this piece better than your man don't you, Max?" or "Yeah NIA, I bet CHeeKZ doesn't give it to you like this?"

    When I talk to swingers, they always say they are comfortable with what their partners are doing. His girl is also getting thronx out, so its not some kind of cockold situation where you feel humiliated.

    Its all about what is on the other dudes mind, I can't trust my girl to pick out proper people b/c lets face it, y'all get duped all the damn time.

      1. Men simply cannot accept the fact that a woman doesn’t mind letting him do his thing and they certainly can’t handle the idea that while they’re out getting theirs, wifey could be somewhere getting hers. So in order to “even” the playing field, they will turn to tackiness just to get a reaction out of her. It is a testosterone-ical imperative.

        I CONCUR!!!!!!

  25. I will preface my comment with a disclaimer: This is not judgement, b/c who am I to judge?

    First off, to each his own! Ppl will do what they want, and this topic (and in fact, blog) is a platform to share, discuss and disagree with selected topics.

    I want to go into the "open marriage" aspect, because while a relationship is fun and cute and even a dress rehearsal, a marriage is the real deal.

    Although marriage is something practiced all over the world, regardless of race, religion, creed or culture, MARRIAGE is a constitution created by God, and Him alone! Think about it: life-long monogamy would never be something created by the world! However, it was adopted into the secular world and with that have become very secular. I do not have to reiterate the purpose of marriage. However, I can say what the purpose of marriage is not! The HUGE oxymoron of "open marriage" is laughable to me. It was mentioned that if one isn't satisfied with their partner, or isn't getting all they want in one person, then an open "relationship" fits the bill. What selfish human beings we have become! The beauty of marriage is accepting and working with what you have CHOSEN, and vice versa. I hate to sound judgmental, but in my opinion, someone who chooses this option or agrees to such, screams low self-confidence in themselves, that they are not enough.

    It's a scary scary world when we start to lose standards, with the excuse that "everyone's different." Yes, sure! But call it by it's name. Do not make a mockery of what God intended for marriage to be! Make up a new name for it. It is not a marriage!

    I actually find it amusing how many ppl stated that they've tried it, or wanted to tried it BUT…there was always a BUT.

    For those who used the excuse of ppl cheating in marriage, and this being a more attractive option to avoid the jealousy and complications that arise with deceptive cheating: the standard you set for yourself determines the quality of what you build. Using an open marriage as a "resolution" to the cheating problem infers that cheating is the person being cheated on's fault. SADNESS!!

    While your traditionally committed (closed?…crazy we have to distinguish) marriages are fraught with adultery, choosing to debase the purpose of marriage (which is a man and woman becoming one) does not solve the issue. It adds a false sense of control.

    Also, big surprise, $ex was also created by God. It was meant to be the most beautiful form of expression of love between a man and his woman, in the sphere of marriage. It's not just physical. A marriage without sex is not a marriage! Sex DOES play a huge part! Otherwise, the two are just roommates in a legal arrangement!

    It's no wonder that these two institutions would be the first ones attacked by the enemy! And from the looks of things, it definitely worked.

    Funny thing is, i'm not overtly religious, however, even when I'm doing my dirt and loving it, I know to call dirt by it's name.

    "We should be open" "everyone's relationship is different." Again, yes, we should be tolerant, and yes, relationships are different, but again, I'd rather another term be used, rather than marriage. This comment has nothing to do with what I feel or don't feel. Who cares! I could be talking all this ~ish and be in one myself. However, this has to do with the fact that what "open" describes CANNOT be part of what marriage is about. Committed and open are antonyms, and putting them together in the same sentence sounds idiotic to me! Be in all the way or be out all the way! I respect that more.

    Of course I'm going to get hammered for daring to say those who chose/choose that route is masking low self-esteem! The nerve, right? Low self-esteem reveals itself in as many ways as there are ppl! Not everyone who has it walks around with a head bowed and shoulders humped. In fact, some of the most confident appearing peeps have the most insecurities, hence the over compensation and the need to appear confident.

    I speak it, because I've been there! The difference is, I recognize it.

    1. "Low self-esteem reveals itself in as many ways as there are ppl!"

      Including excessive use of exclamations points

      I don't think God or your reason gives anybody the authority to tell other couples what their marriage should be about. And I sure don't believe in whitewashing society under the guise of self esteem. Americans have the hardest time empathizing with the next man, b/c we fail to account for the formation of standards. Instead we force our standards on to others.

      Everyone wants to point to this generation and claim we are ruining the moral fiber by lowering standards. Anthropology would say different and Darwin would argue that marriage was a secular concept that became religious. The proof is in the monkeys.

  26. My boyfriend and I have been in an "open" relationship for almost as long as we've been dating and it's working completely fine. Like the post says, you have to be 300% confident in trusting your partner or it won't work. Maybe it's so successful for us because we only introduce other partners into our bed when both of us are involved (meaning threesomes only) and it's been women only (which I'm cool with). We look at it as purely sexual, so I'm not even sure if you could call it a "relationship". We also aren't open to other people because we're trying to fill some void that is lacking within out own relationship, but rather just to have some extracurricular fun. Even when people start open relationships both agreeing on the parameters, if one or both people are looking for outside partners to satisfy some craving your man/woman can't, it's gonna be trouble. It's not for everyone, but it can be a way to add some flair to an already stable, nurturing and trusting partnership.

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