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The Club Mentality

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Doctor by day ... some dude's Plan B by night

I remember back in college actually having to convince some of my female friends the club wasn’t a good place to meet their boyfriend. To me … I was shocked that I had to actually argue this point. I thought it was clear to everyone that the club was for finding one night stands, jumpoffs, and bucket heads … not Ms. (or Mr.) Right.

Why is the club tailored to those looking for temporary love? What is it about the club that is poisonous to the creation of true love? Why is any relationship formed in the club almost always doomed to fail? Simply put … the Club Mentality.

I can’t speak for everyone, every club, everywhere, but generally speaking, the club is the definition of … “the frenzy”. There is a lot of liquor involved, it’s an environment solely focused on social interactions between men and women. The music is too loud for conversation. Lights are dim and vision is blurred. It’s one of the few places you can walk behind a female, start grind on her ass … and not be arrested or cut.



The rules, laws, and social norms that are upheld on “the outside” … simply don’t apply here. Its a different world.

A lot of guys go to the club to take a girl home with them that night and disposed of right after. They are often the most aggressive too. In addition, as a guy, you know more “club”  girls are going to be open to conversation as opposed to the “real world” … so you don’t have to worry about “bothering” someone. While physically abusing a girl is still just as wrong, all those overly aggressive moves you had to retire are now allowed and expected.  Also, for some reason, a fight is now a possibility. While at work your calm, on the road you let people pass you, but in the club … let someone scuff your sneakers or spill your drink … bout to be a misunderstanding!

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For the ladies, you know that someone is going to disrespect you. Your ass will be grabbed, someone is going to pull your arm and not want to let go, and somebody is going to be just a little too aggressive about getting your number. A guy is going to come up to you and start “dancing” … which is closer to sex than anything else, but for some reason … tonight its OK. And while your open to conversation from any cute guy who is “acting right” … you also prepared a set of statements for those “showing their ass”.

In both cases … your not thinking or acting logically. Your not the same person that you are at work, or in the grocery store, or while walking down the street. I know the thought of sleeping with someone I have known for less than 24 hours suddenly seems more appealing to me … personally. And once that liquid courage (alcohol) gets in the system … Mild mannered SBM suddenly becomes Mr. pouring champagne on chics, kicking girls out of my table while replacing them, all while threatening death on a bouncer … well this post isn’t about me …

Not only is the person you meet at the club not a valid representation of this person in real life, but its hard to take anyone as serious in the club. I’m thinking about different things, the “standards” your getting judged by are significantly different, and honestly … even if I meet Ms. Right … I still might do something stupid and probably will ruin something that could have been beautiful. Its sad, but … eh.

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I will say, there are certain lounges, Happy Hours, and upscale restaraunts  that can provide a relatively healthy meeting place for single individuals … but that isn’t the norm.

Are you still looking for that special someone at the club?  Is club you the same person at the 9 to 5?  Can you even take someone you meet in the club serious?

– SBM aka Mr. throwing champagne on a thirsty chic aka “Man … I don’t care if she is a nun in the AM … in here she’s a hoe!”

Comment(37)

  1. I was tricked into going to the club last night because the website said "Lounge" #fail. I am so over the club for a lot of the reasons stated above, and I came to the realization that I talk more women at the NYU library then the club….

  2. Club me? I don't know who that is. I avoid clubs. Amazing. My entire 4 years here. Go me. Now, party Me? Hardly ever happens but when it does, I love it. I'm the same in and out a party. I can't do that bagging at a party business because, like you said, music is too loud and I hate repeating myself. So the rejection hotline number might as well be what you get for a phone number when you ask during my favorite song. I met one guy at a party and we're good friends now that talk about once a month. I mean hey, it's been 2 years lol

    Take someone seriously? I hear some stories from my friends about guys they've met at a party. It baffles me at their excitement from a dub they got there. Then the number they got when someone was "bagged". [paper or plastic?] Which leads to FB finding of this character then the continued drooling. I always want to ask what that does for them. But I would probably end up making someone look stupid. They spend so much time trying to find out who the mister was that they were being rubbed against. Ugh. Makes me so happy that I don't go to clubs here in Albany… Not that it would differ elsewhere. But still. Sheesh

  3. My cousin met her current husband at the club..and they are going ten years strong…but, that is definitely not the norm. They just lucked out…they were in the right place at the right time..and they both were looking for the same thing….I definitely only go to the club now to dance and hang out with my girls…thats it…I'm not even giving out my number….we can converse and dance…and then its goodnite sir…

    I think people are in general a bit more frisky at the club…and yes I blame it on the alcohol. lol…unless you're up in there dead sober..your judgement is clouded by everything..even if you're sober..the atmosphere, the lights, the music..I don't trust none of it. Im just going to have a good time…

  4. I'm not looking to meet anyone in the club. On occassion when I do go, it's to dance and hang w/ girls or celebrate my bro's birthday.

    I find a spot…and post up on the wall practically the whole night. That's where I dance and drink b/c I know if I have to make moves through the crowd either my arm will be grabbed or my booty swiped.

    Of course the club LaBakir isn't the same as 9-5 LaBakir. What would be the point in that? I'm there to chill…have fun…and crack jokes. I'm there to be the BP for that ninja on the dance floor making a fool of himself so I can continue to life. It's my civic duty.

  5. I only go maybe once every other month, if that. The club is for good music and the drinks. I am usually found in the group of females on the sidelines with drinks in our hands saying "Heyyyy, that's my song.”

    I just want to chill with my crew, sip a few, and dance.

    Back in the day was about the same except for the occasional booty grind. It did not take me long to realize I did not want to be someone’s dry hump for the night. As far as taking someone serious: Yeah right – the club is for entertainment, everything/everyone in it!

  6. Good post SBM, and as you and Queen stated there are outliers in every general statistic but everyone can't be an outlier. LOL. I think a lot of women hold on to that 1-2% and think that tonight is their night. I have seen a marriage & fruitful (so far) relationship come from the club scene but I wouldn't go there looking for it. I absolutely positively go to dance, get a chance to show skin <del>that would normally be hidden</del> & be seen. #shrugs Shallow? Maybe. Vapid? Possibly. But where else is that socially acceptable? LOL. None of the long standing relationships in my life came from club situations. As a matter of a fact, club situations provide THEE most entertainment/drama of them all.

    Just this past weekend I got a text from a club joint that asked for a full body picture of myself & when I declined:

    "C'mon girl. Take one for daddy…"

    Son, did you just refer to yourself as daddy to me? O_O

    Entertainment on a hunnid thousand trillion.

    1. "I absolutely positively go to dance, get a chance to show skin that would normally be hidden & be seen #shrugs Shallow? Maybe. Vapid? Possibly. But where else is that socially acceptable? LOL."

      basically.

      Although it's funny how offended I get when approached by a guy, and if I've had a off night when nobody approaches me.

  7. I actually had to stop going to the club. For some reason turning 25 has made me unable to handle the standard bs: desperate, really desperate females trying to seduce any man into buying a drink, the females dressed like h0es in less than no clothing, that one broad who thinks she's jennifer lopez and keeps slapping everybody around her with her funky weave, guys in baggy jeans and sunglasses thinking they're hot (really, dawg? I can't see sh*t and you got on sunglasses)… I could go on, but the whole atmosphere reeks of coonery and foolishness. You're absolutely correct, people change when they're in the club, usually to an overexaggerated version of the truth (myself included, I'm not usually that critical), and I for one have had enough. Authenticity is boss and that's just not available in clubs as far as I'm concerned.

    Ok, I'm done now…

    1. You might just need to upgrade the venues you attend, or the crowd you associate with. You're 25 and still go to clubs where they let Sunglass dude and Mr. Baggy Pants, that may be the issue.

      The club mentality is a way to escape the harsh day-to-day routine and to have something to look forward to whether its meeting new ppl, having a drink, looking your best etc etc.

      Maybe you party in the DMV? #noshots

  8. F*ck the club.

    Nowadays I get the "what do you do for fun" question and club or lounge is never in the corresponding answer. Seems to be one of the only things people in D.C. do to be seen and whore for attention. After age 28, it got old and stale real quick. I'm always being asked to come to some lounge where the DJ plays the same thing the club DJ plays, the drinks are more expensive and bougie ass black people stare and sneer at each other in an attempt to feel important.

    I know chicks who think they will find their future husband up in one of these establishments, so they frequent some clubs VIP every weekend hoping some baller can look past the contacts and raggedy wig in order to "invest" in her. As far as dudes: They go looking for new pink to conquer…that is all…

  9. Fact of the matter when I hear wifey say 'she is off to the club' she might as well tell me she is cheating b/c that is what those places are invented for. Truth be told, when you are looking for a wifey, you want to pick a girl who doesn't like going to the club. You need someone with their priorities in order and if a girl is constantly hitting the club its a sign. Now everyone has their birthday parties that they have to go to, but outside of that you are showing me the kind of person you are.

    I don't even have 'club game'. Sure I have gotten lucky, everybody has. But I'm probably the only dude that doesn't go out trying to look cool. I would really go just to listen to a DJ, or see the impact certain records have on a party. Watch a performance, check out a historic venue. Its like my chance to watch hiphop in motion. Can't lie though, I do appreciate the outfits ladies.

    The dance floor at a black club is the closest any of us will every get to a Roman Orgy. Tons of inappropriate.

  10. I quit the club at 29. I've never really been into the scene anyway and mostly for the above reasons. It's hard to fathom going to the club to find "The One." I DO have a friend who has met several um, ex-GF's there and another guy I went out with a couple times who thought I was the crazy one for insinuating that you don't meet that "special" person at the club. I stopped conversing with him after that. Just ridiculous. Anyway, yeah, not down for the club mentality.

    And lounges aren't much better, they just have more sitting areas.

  11. Nothing wrong with meeting someone in the club. I mean people in the club are regular people.

    Here is the thing. You will attract what you are looking for. I don't drink. So my vision is not blurry. And I am attracted to the females that don't drink. I can see who is sloppy drunk, who is wearing knock off designer ish and who is wearing real diamonds. Who is letting dudes grope her on the dance floor.

    I mean don't get pissy drunk and you'll notice there are plenty of eligible women in the club that might make a good wife. But if you lookin for a quick hook up than you won't notice the keepers.

    1. Ok check you out. I see and like your strategy, but most likely the ladies appearing to be wife material probably have the same mind set as those individuals who believe the idea of meeting an SO in that atmosphere is unlikely and should not be attempted.

      Although I guess it never hurts to try anything.

  12. me going to the club to pick up women? imagine that. smh. if a woman gives me her number in the club then i would imagine that she would give her number out to anyone. not downplaying myself but i doubt i'm that charming that it shines through in a dimly lit club while you're intoxicated and can barely hear a word that i'm saying. i don't even try to get numbers.

    i go to the club to: 1) party and hang out with the people that i came with 2) be seen. i'm a social type guy and i like the spotlight 3) have a couple drinks 4) people watch.

    more than likely if i'm asking you for your number it's means that i've observed you from afar and i'm digging your outward persona and i'm interested in getting to know you better. this can't happen in a club/lounge.

  13. "Nothing wrong with meeting someone in the club. I mean people in the club are regular people."

    I agree that meeting someone in the club isn't an issue but EXPECTING to meet the love of your life is setting oneself up for disappointment. I know some females who will have an attitude unless they are club-cakin' with someone they just met. I also think that since a lot of events in metro areas are marketed as "young professional events", people are more inclined to think they'll find "the one".

    I'm not a huge fan of the club but since I'm relatively young, thats all anyone ever wants to do and I don't want to be antisocial.

    The exponential growth of people's confidence in the club baffles me…last time I was out, this man tries to kiss me on the dance floor!! Really?! I was p!ssed.

    great post!

    1. "The exponential growth of people’s confidence in the club baffles me…last time I was out, this man tries to kiss me on the dance floor!! Really?! I was p!ssed"

      Mmhmm. That's why I had to stop dancing with the extremely drunk 2520's… or atleast face to face lol that right there is a no no.

  14. I'm only 20, but I hate going to the club for these reasons. I don't like having to worry about someone dance raping me and getting pissed off b/c I don't feel like rubbing my a** up against up for a 3 minute song that makes no sense. The last time I went to a club I remember a group of girls twerking on some of our student athletes and then another athlete coming up smacking this girl on her a** while she danced with his teammate, all while recording it. Did she stop? Nope. She just started dancing harder. Me and my girls just looked in shock that she could let someone disrespect her like that.

  15. I'd agree with this post but there is one thing that hangs me up every time… ME…. I'm a 9-5 child raising fun loving brotha. Even though I don't go out to the club all too often I do go out from time to time. So this leads me to believe that there are some women that are honestly good women just getting out of the house as I am and ended up at the same spot at the same time. I mean life is about having good timing right?? So I do think you can find love just about anywhere… I think the problem come in when you are LOOKING for it!!! You shouldn't look for love it should just find you…

    ~ JRight Live ~

  16. I'm 25 and while I find the regular club scene unbearable, (full of people who only come to post up and stunt etc.)

    I will NEVER tire of the brooklyn reggae/soca/lime scene. Honestly, we go to hear the latest riddims and catch a nice wine. TO ME its more of a good time than the regular upscale scene. Less emphasis on posing, more on the vibes, music, and dancing.

  17. I like the club, just not the hassle and the bs of lines, former college fb stars turned bouncers trying to get ill, etc. going to madd industry events make me kinds numb to it, along with the convenience of not waiting on line. i only hit clubs etc if im in another city or theres a bday celebraton or other events. Thats how im rollin!

  18. clubs are cool on occasion. I love to dance and I love to people watch. drink sometimes. its a good mix of all those things, plus I get to put on my dresses, high heels, and dramatic makeup and do the girly thing.

    I usually hang with folks I came with, socialize a bit. I don't expect to be groped and I really wish people would stop using the environment as an excuse to lack sense. but whatevs, some people don't know how to hold their liquor. I tend to stay in one spot all night and "chill" until I hear "my song" then I may hit the dancefloor. occassions such as birthdays, homecomings, etc. I may chill in somebody's VIP but I like to mingle sometimes so I won't stay in that spot all night long.

    I'm not opposed to meeting someone in a club, but I don't look for it at all.

    1. co-sign all of this! This is me exactly. The only time I get adventurous with makeup is when I hit the club. I usually chill until they start playing to ignant southern rap or reggae.

      Clubbing is only for annual events and major holidays.

  19. Ahh the club. I've never been a frequent goer but it has dropped of a cliff the past 3 years our so. I may go every other month if that often and them it's just to kick it.

    One thing I have noticed is that the older crowds sen to feel like they are too good to enjoy themselves and have fun. All the dudes muggin and all the chicks think they too good to even smile let alone dance.

    Its always those 2 or 3 groups of people that are genuinely having a good time.

    Give me a nice bar and I'm good to go. Don't have to worry about trying to hit in anyone cause the people are friendlier on a whole and everyone talks to each other just because.

  20. Well I believe you don't have to clubbing but can still have the club mentality.

    It's the "I'm exclusive" even though all my experiences, taste in everything is at best .500 ball, average.

    Alife, billionaire boys club et al are today's exclusive gear but it ain't hard to cop and you can see people tryin hard to cop this stuff and then somehow have it pointed out. Despite ten other people having the exact same thing on.

    You still see the mentality in the cars and accessories people needless buy.

    Why do I care your phone case is an luxury item?

    Or how big your flatscreen is?

    As for the clubs/lounges them selves, well we gotta go somewhere but I try to attend industry events. It's funny when I ask Ms Thang if she-writes-edits, directs or has any film skill-no on everything-Poser. I'm off to the next one.

  21. Substitue the word "church" for "club" on this whole post and it would still make sense. So would all the comments.

    Food for thought………LOL

  22. I leave clubbin for those occasions when friends come home for the holidays and we just want to kick it, have a few drinks and dance to some music. It’s never been the place I thought I could find Mr. Right. I’ve meet some good people there though and are good friends still to this day. I guess the thing is to not go out to the club EXPECTING to find the ONE. It’s not going to happen! I’m the same person at the club that I am from 9-5. Being who you are is what attracts people to you; there is no need to be anyone else. This is why you can’t find MR/MRS Right at the club; most everyone is trying to be someone else. As for taking someone you meet at the club serious, well that depends. There are good people who go out to the clubs; it’s just a matter of getting past the ones who aren’t being themselves.

    On a side note: It really disgusts me to see all the shameless groping and grinding that goes on at the clubs. Sometimes the “club mentality” of some can ruin the good time of others.

  23. Write this down. If you go to the club, then you should be able to meet people at the club. If you never go to the club, then there will be no one in the club like you. Stay home.

    I think it is very possible to meet someone in the club. Because you could always meet me. That's been my mentality my whole life. Some people don't like the club, most people don't do the club right. Listen, the club was never made for the common folk. It's just wack. I used to hate on chicks who used to say, "If I'm not going to somebody's table, i'm not going." But that's true.

    Most people who go to the club talk about the people in the club, but they are those people in the club. Like a dude will be like, "I'm getting there before 11, because I ain't trying to pay." Uhhh yes, neither is the hood. And those are the people you're standing next to. "I'm not trying to go to a club with some dude dressed up like Bishop TD Jakes." Uhhh yes, neither is the hood and now you're standing next to some guy in his FedEx uniform. The hood thinks that wearing Pink is gay, the type of people I go to the club with know otherwise. I'm being flat out honest, I just do not even go to a club that says, "Free before —-, and open bar." Because I know that the HOOD will be there. Now if you are able to avoid the hood, your entire feelings towards the club change.

    Write this down too, if you do not have disposable income, don't go to the club. People who say, "I just hate wasting money in the club." The definition of disposable income, is income you can waste. If you need that money for rent, your a*s is just stupid for being there.

    I have met women in the club, and it's even turned into some great relationships, situations and friendships. But I go to places that are frequented by people like me, I only talk to people who are cosigned by mutual friends. I don't dance in the club anymore, because i'm not trying to touch someone I don't know.

    Do I wear inappropriate clothing to clubs just so someone in their Sunday clothes can say, "Who let this reggin in with tennis shoes and a hat"? Yes, because it's funny! And why am I in the club? To have fun!

    In all seriousness, it's really about your selection of places to go. I'll be honest with you, if you aren't going to the right places, switch your game up and do it right. If you are upset about the other people in the venue, stop going to that venue, and go some place where you are with like minded individuals. I have clubbed in cities all around the US and this remains the same.

    DC: You should not complain about what is happening to you on the dancefloor if you are in Crossroads. You went to Crossroads!

    ATL: Compound has been open forever, you went to Compound! Now you're complaining that it's wack and the chicks are stuck up.

    NYC: If a club is called Tunnel, or Exit it's for a reason.

    My parting tip: If you are going to the club, always go to a place where you will see at least a few white people. White people keep ignorant Black people in line. Left to our own devices, Catfish Fridays would still be in the club handing out fried chicken and catfish at midnight. It's something about seeing a group of white girls on the dance floor that makes the DJ say, "Maybe we shouldn't go hard in the paint … just yet."

    1. Dr. J: "Write this down. If you go to the club, then you should be able to meet people at the club. If you never go to the club, then there will be no one in the club like you. Stay home."

      This. This is the reason I stay home. Or at least this is the reason why I don't go to the club.

    2. "My parting tip: If you are going to the club, always go to a place where you will see at least a few white people. White people keep ignorant Black people in line. Left to our own devices, Catfish Fridays would still be in the club handing out fried chicken and catfish at midnight. It’s something about seeing a group of white girls on the dance floor that makes the DJ say, “Maybe we shouldn’t go hard in the paint … just yet.”"

      As funny as this is it is so true. And that why I rock with white people on a regular. Club? Man its this cover band playing 80s rock music at this nice bar…I'll be there getting my drink on and tripping out with the white people. Even when I go to the club and there are those few white people there going in the DJ takes notice and doesn't want to turn off the minority of patrons. That's why I love B Brian in Birmingham, dude plays "Party in the USA in the club and people are still jamming…except for the few hood folks lol.

  24. Are you still looking for that special someone at the club?

    ^^^I never have looked at the club for "that special someone".

    Is club you the same person at the 9 to 5?

    ^^^I'm more open to dancing & drinking if the mood is right but I'm pretty much the same person.

    Can you even take someone you meet in the club serious?

    ^^^Nope.

    I've stopped going to the clubs…i've never really been into that sort of scene. I went to a lounge with some friends like a month ago & how small & crowded it was wasn't fun to me. The only thing that helped being there is that we pregamed & one of them was really attractive… My social life is dwindling while my stress level is going up, guess there is a direct correlation?

    Anyway, interesting post SBM!

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