Home Empowerment Black Women Are Perfectly Fine: An Editorial by Dr. J

Black Women Are Perfectly Fine: An Editorial by Dr. J

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Used to be only two words that could save a performance, now there's the Big Three: God, Jesus and Obama. You can't hate on a post that has Obama in it.

I always struggled with writing about Black women in a high light because I always felt like if I wrote a post called, “Why I Love Black Women,” I’d just be accused of jacking for beats. #RIPLumidee.  I read a lot of commentary on Black women on the Internet everyday and I’ll admit the amount of bashing of Black women has just gotten flat out ridiculous.  The media wants you to believe that there’s something wrong with Black women, but in my honest opinion Black women are perfectly fine.  They don’t experience any problems that any other race doesn’t have.  They haven’t reached a point where they might die out, need a total makeover, or assistance from President Obama in order to save their kind.  They’re just fine!

As a Black urban professional, (whatever that means), I take pride in telling you that Black men and women are excelling in corporate America.  Yes, we continue to face issues because of race and discrimination everyday.  Yes, there exists some competition within the race, but it’s nothing to say that there is something wrong with professional Black women.  And I’ve been in corporate America for a while now, so long that I’m trying to get out, and in my experience, no disrespect to anyone, but an asshole is an asshole.  I can’t tell you what an angry Black woman is, because there is no difference amongst the races, maybe they’re just angry women in the world.

Then, mainstream media will convince you that Black women are overweight and have all types of insecurities when it comes to their bodies.  In my opinion, Black women have awesome bodies.  There will always be women who battle obesity, just like there will always be women who battle anorexia and bulimia.  However, if oversized TNA is going out of style, then there’s no evidence to suggest it to me.  Also, it’s obvious that Black women are the prototype for beauty.  Think about it, why does everyone tan themselves, put on lipstick, work or pay to get a bigger butt.  These things that we see as “stereotypical” for Black women aren’t bad at all.



And so I try not to focus on stereotypes too much.  I believe that stereotypes come from somewhere, that I won’t deny.  I just think that sometimes the stereotypes don’t make any sense.  And your tone can determine everything when it comes to stereotypes.  Thinking back to Sir-Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back,“ the opening line, “Oh my god Becky, look at her butt, it is so big,” you might feel the disdain in her voice.  However, I’ll tell you right now if you overheard this from a couple Black guys, “Dog … enormous, the butt is enormous, own zip code fam, own zip code,” you wouldn’t take that as a diss.  A lot of things come down to the way you state them.

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When we look at dating and marriage, the statistics are startling.  Those statistics don’t really mean much to me though.  The way I see it, if a Black woman wants to find a date, she can find a date.  She chooses not to date, or she doesn’t have sufficient options.  However, I don’t see this to be that serious of a problem.  I know women who complain they can’t find a man, but the thing is they are hiding or they’re hiding the part of them that makes them a woman.  Black women with their head screwed on straight have no problems finding a man.  Black men with their head screwed on straight have no shortage of women to date.  When a man complains about Black women and their “issues” or “challenges” as it pertains to dating, I just remind them that they probably are too busy chasing the wrong women.  You can’t get mad at a woman for being a dingbat, if you met her in a club at some baller’s VIP section, she’s made it perfectly clear the image she wants to portray is that of a groupie or gold digger.  However, I know several attractive, Black women with their priorities in order who are single because dudes are checking for groupies and gold diggers.  As it pertains to marriage, people who marry for the “right” reasons are usually successful.  I just pray that you and your spouse are on the same page about what those “right” reasons are.  They seem to differ so much from person to person.

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Another point that I would like to present is that there’s nothing inherently wrong with Black women, but there are some things that make them different, and those things make them better.  A lot of times we analyze the actions of Black women to the Nth degree only to tell ourselves that they have issues and pass the blame onto them.  We don’t want single women with children …maybe we should work on being better fathers.  A high percentage of Black women have STDs … maybe we should practice safe sex and know our status.  Black women are too independent … I don’t know about that, seems like they are asking us to love them the right way.  Besides, independent women are the bomb.  You mean to tell me that I can have a woman who holds her own professionally, comes home and takes care of the family and house, AND she puts something on the bills?  And when asked about why she is with me, she says, “I don’t need him, I want him.”  That’s sounds like the greatest woman of all time!

As it comes to the bashing by writers, bloggers, comedians and media sources from every angle, I would consider it a human flaw.  People are always chasing perfection.  The definition of perfection – the state of being without flaw or defect.  Therefore, you’re going to see that men will spend more time focusing on your flaws than he will spend on your strengths and things he loves about you.  Black women, you ladies are great, you’re perfectly fine.  There is no need for a constitutional amendment to preserve our women.  When Black men come at you so hard, consider it jabbing amongst siblings.  I know I take your criticisms that way.  Anyway for today, I just want to say publicly, I love my Black women! 

Comment(163)

  1. *Church. Mosque. Temple. Synagogue. Whatever Random Building Scientologists Worship In.*

    If this post was a Black man, I'd cook him a 7 course dinner in 5 inch stilettos AND do the dishes. THANK YOU, Dr. J!

    1. And just when i think i have seen it all and just when i am about to say %^&* it and totally lose all respect for black men one comes along and restores hope.gotta love it

    1. *snaps pic for Daily Bugle* >:0P

      So I guess ya'll are done celebrating our love for Latinas? I guarantee alot of positive responses from this post today….

  2. Wow! Its rather refreshing to read a blog from a BLACKMAN who sees the good in Black Women and took the negative stereotypes and found the positive in them all! ((((applause))))

  3. Well, thank you very much Dr. J!

    My favorite part:

    “Black women are too independent … I don’t know about that, seems like they are asking us to love them the right way. …. And when asked about why she is with me, she says, “I don’t need him, I want him.” <—-YES! (snaps)

    And it's always better to be wanted rather than needed because then you have the choice to leave but you choose to stay because of your loyalty and dedication!

    Oh thank you, sir! AWESOME! Start to my day in Leiden!

  4. I just found myself nodding my head in approval throughout this post.

    Now, can we get this post going out to the Washington Post, NYT, etc? LOL

    Thanks Doc J! 🙂

  5. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It's nice to hear positives amongst a sea of negatives. We aren't perfect, but as you said no one is…but we sure as heck aren't as bad as you'd thinking listening to some.

    Thanks again!

  6. Great post! Truly represents a more realistic view of what us Black men feel.

    I couldn't help but notice that in the dating and marriage section, you didn't limit the interactions of people with their heads on straight to be between Black men and Black women. That is where most of the mainstream coverage seems to focus on – Black women being less likely to enter into interracial relationships, etc. Am I reading to ouch into this – are you making a statement about people needing to look for a partner regardless of race?

  7. " The media wants you to believe that there’s something wrong with Black women"

    duno bout dat…

    All the talk I've been hearing about this in the past 6 months has come from the black blogosphere.

    I personally think this "issue" has been hyped by ourselves. NYT, Post, CNN, Gawker media…etc don't have weekly episodes of "why black women ______". But I'm guaranteed to see this in half of the black lifestyle blogs I read everyday.

    People need to realize that the black blogosphere serves – most of the time – as an eco chamber to itself. That's the root of the problem.

    It's not them, it's US!

    1. Lurker,

      Well, I have to disagree with you for two reasons:

      (1) There are several types of media that i'm talking about, print media, web media, television, movies, entertainment, etc. So blogs are a part of the media.

      (2) The media has no shortage of this either, the reason why someone would suggest this article go to the WashPost is because the WashPost posts articles about Black women and dating. Oprah posts sites about race and dating. BET and VH1, have reality shows that highlight Black women who have problems with dating, moreover, show Black women in a negative light. From all angles, you can see negativity towards Black folk.

      (2b) Watch more Fox News.

        1. Yeah… that was meant to be a joke, FOX news is only for entertainment purposes, they really just come at anyone that's not conservative. I feel like they are always on the verge of saying the N word.

          They were talking about Nigeria the other day and I just clenched up and held on.. because I was waiting for them to slip.

    2. I respectfully and wholeheartedly disagree.

      I agree that it's not everyday that we're hearing about Black women's woes, but it's certainly mainstream. CNN is seen AROUND the world: I watched it in Rome and London. BBC is also global. They're both major, international news providers and they want to cover on why Black women are single in the US?

      When Black women being single is covered by international news providers, I think it's beyond the Black blogosphere.

      I can't co-sign on this one.

        1. OMG thanks Reef! I was looking for that EXACT link. I remember watching that a couple years ago, I think.

      1. New2natural Were you watching CNN in someone's home in rome or london or at the hotel? The hotels carry feeds such as CNN worldwide and BBC worldwide for its english speaking guests.. -AND what's worse is it loops…

        I work as a flight attendant – I see more CNN, BBC feeds looping than I care to when I'm on my international layovers.

    3. Actually, I'm gonna have to agree with Lurker on this one. I've been saying for a while that we put so much of our business out there so frequently that the media was able to pick it up without much digging. I think there's another wave of media coverage coming as well due to some recent events. We'll see if that turns out to be the case.

      1. "I think there’s another wave of media coverage coming as well due to some recent events."

        Whatchya talkin bout, Slim?

  8. (((((APPLAUSE)))))

    Thanks Dr. J for affirming what I ALWAYS knew……. WE ARE JUST FINE!!! #noMary

    I e-heart this post!!!!!

  9. Many thanks, Dr.J for your post! I, as a Black woman, appreciate starting out my day reading something positive, PUBLICLY, from a Black man.

    Great, great post!

  10. MERCI ! Now, I can go to work with a big smile on my face. It's refreshing to read a positive article about BW. I mean a real one, not an attempt like a few days ago…

  11. 2 points for usin "Jackin for Beats" in a sentence. ROFL I actually call this video up on youtube every now then. (Generation Y like, "The hell they talking bout?") "Even if you down with my crew / I'll jack you too!" LOL

    But anyway…a lot of what they say about black women really goes for anywoman. Guess why a lot of successful white men date black women…..cause they are sick and tired of white women. I don't know why we stereotype white women as submissive and supportive. Ask any divorced white man what he thinks of that!

    Co/sign no black male shortage. If a women doesn't like the options than she is alone by choice. There is no physical, real, quantitative shortage.

    But seriously…..I found this blog when I was Googling "Angry Black Women" ROFL.

    1. iDdM: "2 points for usin “Jackin for Beats” in a sentence. ROFL I actually call this video up on youtube every now then. (Generation Y like, “The hell they talking bout?”) “Even if you down with my crew / I’ll jack you too!” LOL"

      I'm shocked he didn't do a part two to that song yet.

      1. Ultimate diss song. He basically took all the top rappers of his day and jacked them. I always wondered if he paid for any of those beats? Or did he really jack them? LOL

        1. ROFL Yeah das the same thing I was thinkin. Nobody was gonna ask dat bamma for royalties.

    2. I don’t know why we stereotype white women as submissive and supportive.

      "Ask any divorced white man what he thinks of that!"

      This is funny cuz its true!!!!!

    3. Although, Ice Cube is a G for the original. I was actually hoping someone caught the Lumidee reference, because she did a remix to Crazy In Love and said Beyonce was jacking for beats. I don't know where Beyonce would have been if it hadn't been for Jay-Z and those JusBlaze beats.

      Question!

      1. Crazy in Love and a lot of Beyonce's newer hits are actullay DC's own Rich Harrison….which is why they have drum samples and sound like Go Go beats.

    4. "Co/sign no black male shortage. If a women doesn’t like the options than she is alone by choice. There is no physical, real, quantitative shortage."

      I think this is kind of over-simplifying things. Yes, a woman is choosing to be single rather than take up one of the many options in front of her, but can we really call it a choice if those options aren't right? It's not like finding a mate that you are compatible with is like settling for an english muffin because they are out of bagels.

      1. If you wanted a black car and all the dealer had was white cars…..would you ride the bus? ROFL

        You have a choice. There is no shortage of cars.

        1. Again, over-simplifying. Unless you're looking to get married or be in a relationship for any practical reasons not having to do with love, it's never going to be that simple. Trust me, the whole "love the one you're with" thing is easier than it sounds.

        2. What do I know…I'm single and not even lookin. LOL

          But no….I've said before my perspective is a little skewed. I'm in the richest and most educated region of the country for black people. I just don't buy into the shortage thing cause I know so many single dudes that have what women want. But at the same time I will admit, a lot of the single eligible dudes I know do not want to be married. That's why they are single. Like I said, dating is not even a priority for me right now.

      2. I don't know where I read it (maybe here but not sure) but it really depends on what you're looking for and how you are looking.

        Since we're talking pastries I'll stick with that analogy lol

        Do you specifically want muffin or do you just want a good pastry? Even if you find a muffin do you want one with specific set of ingredients or are you open to trying different muffins?

        Men seem to be open to trying different pastries while some women seem to want specifics and only look for specifics.

        1. Ok, but I wasn't actually trying to use a pastry analogy, I was trying to point out that it can't be compared to something like that. You can "settle" for whatever pastry is available or whichever color car you want, but there is just no way to force love or force yourself to put up with things you just aren't down with. I'm not talking about looking in the 2520 community for love, when your preference is a black male. I am open to that (and have done it). I'm talking about things like meeting a great guy (of any skin color) just to realize that he's got a drinking problem. Is that something that you should…

          Oh, I feel like I've had this conversation on here before and no matter what we say, some will always boil it down to "you're single because you choose to be".

        2. c/s Sane again…

          It's not that simple. So like you said, I should put up w/ the man w/ a drinking problem just b/c I desire a relationship…FOH

          It's not always a matter of looking in the wrong places. Let's not forget that even when looking in the "right places" (whatever that means)…that doesn't gurantee you'll find a man and things will pan out relationship wise.

        3. By all means if a man has some negative qualities like a drinking problem then you have the right to jump ship before it starts sinking.

          I agree that its not as simple as some would like to think but I don't think its as complex as some try to make it.

          If you are single by circumstance then some part, even a very small portion, is a choice.

        4. "If you are single by circumstance then some part, even a very small portion, is a choice."

          This is why I said it was oversimplified and not just flat out wrong. Yes, technically it is in some part choice, but this take on it is still oversimplified.

        5. "And if that muffin or pastry is “spoiled” should I still purchase it just b/c that’s whats available?"

          If you get a product knowing its defective its all on you.

          "I’m talking about things like meeting a great guy (of any skin color) just to realize that he’s got a drinking problem."

          There is no way you can know everything about a person upfront. If you're going to go in with the mindset of "He's got to have some issue" then why go in at all.

          Sorry if you feel like you've had this convo before, which you probably have. Trust me, I understand your POV. I just find that a lot of people I've encountered blame their singleness on others a lot more than looking at themselves first. Then you have that small percentage that the cosmos hates and finding Waldo is easier for them than getting into a relationship.

        6. #OntheRoad2RecoveryfromBirthdayFestivies (Pickled Liver)

          Starita34!!!!!! That pic — iJustCan't with you today.

          LMAO

          #Carryon

      3. Wait…

        So with your pastry analogy though. It's only a shortage of bagels if you're still stuck in line once the last bagel is taken. One's preferences, likes/dislikes inherently narrows the search for a mate or date. I think this "shortage" notion assumes every black woman would date and be happy with ANY black man that fits some universal criteria. That's clearly never the case.

        Shortage of educated black men. I betcha every black woman wouldn't be happy with just any educated black man. I think the description women use for the situation is oversimplified because you're not including your personal mate requirements AND not factoring in the turn-over rate for guys outside your preference.

        If half the people bought an english muffin returned it, then it would look like a shortage since the turn-over rate of bagels would be very low.

        Like I've always said, women who agree with this "shortage" thing are looking in the wrong places and ignoring the wrong people. Bad choices…

        1. "But isn’t the discovery of any true love a complicated treasure hunt?" ~Jenee Osterholt

          There's one man I'm looking for, for the rest of my life, of course he's well hidden. He's been incredibly hard to find to this point. That's just part of the adventure. That adventure sucks sometimes, yes. I'm ready to find the effing treasure for sure. I keep coming across a lot of fool's gold. It can be frustrating for sure.

          I don't doubt that the search is frustrating for men at times as well; particularly when they're not really searching at all and we keep trying to get them to follow our map.

          It absolutely comes down to – we are single because we choose to be single; but that doesn't negate the fact that we don't always want to be single.

          Good man shortage? Not necessarily, I've passed up some "good men" that weren't the exact flavor that I was searching for. But there sure seems to be a surplus of ain't sh!t men that I have to wade through and that, I think, is why we get so discouraged at times.

          And also why we need to hear wonderful, positive, encouraging things, like those things stated today. It's a positive day ya'll. Celebrate today.

        2. Starita, I think you may have put my thoughts down a little more eloquently than I could have at the moment.

        3. @Most Don't just stand there, put in your .02, because you clearly have something rolling around in that head of yours. You always have a great way of breaking things down and your opinion is always welcomed in any conversation. So, speak up.

        4. Allow me to use a portion Starita's statement to farther explain what I mean:

          Good man shortage? Not necessarily, I’ve passed up some “good men” that weren’t the exact flavor that I was searching for. But there sure seems to be a surplus of ain’t sh!t men that I have to wade through and that, I think, is why we get so discouraged at times.

          The turn-over rate of ain’t sh!t men are much higher than "Good men." That's why the so-called ain’t sh!t men are even available. LOL

          If you put trash on the street, don't be surprise when the streets are full of trash.

          But let's look at this as a single individual rather than masses of black women. Maybe she needs to be told, "It's ok." and encouraged b/c she's discouraged ->

          And also why we need to hear wonderful, positive, encouraging things, like those things stated today.

          We know that what a woman says she feels isn't the crux of any problem. There's always more.

      4. #cosign both your posts, Sane.

        It IS an over-simplification. Plus, I think the issue is not whether there is a shortage of cars, which there is (statistically), the issue is a shortage of running, reliable, WHOLE (no parts missing, damaged, rebuilt) cars, LOL. I think a BW could find ANY man, but is he quality?

        If he's quality, is he looking to be in a relationship and know his role and fulfill it?

        There's just so many variables. Anyway, I'm gonna leave this alone.

        I'm going to just bask in the glow of BW being appreciated today and save the rest for another day. Thanks. Dr. J!

  12. Dr. J – I appreciate you!!! Thank you for this post and for starting my morning with such a positive and refreshing perspective on Black Women.

  13. "Therefore, you’re going to see that men will spend more time focusing on your flaws than he will spend on your strengths and things he loves about you."

    This line hit home. But this whole post was right on time. Thanks man!

  14. to be perfectly honest, my dealings with black women from high school on are pretty much in line w/ this post. i've met waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many beautiful black women of different shades, of different bodies, of different hairstyles, and of different minds…but each fascinating in some way…to ever throw around the level of vitrol that seems to be spew'd all over the internetz.

    Great Post Dr. J, and this post is probably more in line how most regular guys feel about black women. it's just that the vocal minority are the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.

  15. Nice post, Dr. J.

    Now, we just need to convince other black girls and women that black women, and black people as a whole are perfectly fine. Let's start with those kids were featured on CNN after the BiA3 airing.

  16. "When a man complains about Black women and their “issues” or “challenges” as it pertains to dating, I just remind them that they probably are too busy chasing the wrong women."

    THIS! THIS! THIS!!!

    I feel like I need to give you an offering. Thank you Dr. J for this lovely post, I knew you had it in you.

    1. That is an excellent point that was made. My only complaint is that if you tell some black women the same thing you are being an ass and/or don't know what you are talking about. 🙁

      1. Animate its all about the delivery sweetness. If you say it with tact, the RIGHT woman should understand where you are coming from.

  17. The entire 5th paragraph sums up a lot of things. The single people that have their head on straight have absolutely no problem finding dates. And even if they do they are not vocal about it. They have other things in life to do!

    Well written Dr. J.

  18. I'm beyond hyped right now 🙂 Great post and I really appreciated that you focused on all of our positives. Black women are just WOMEN who happen to be BLACK we have the needs and desire just like any other woman. You get crazy amounts of dap for this!!

  19. Just fine indeed.

    Black women are the epitome of beauty. The black women I call family, excel at being individuals, a most coveted trait. Embracing themselves fully. They are supportive wives, mothers, daughters and friends. Compassionate and hungry for knowledge (just try to get a black woman out of school – not happening. My girls staaaaay in class. GIRL, we're in our 30's, step away from the book lol). They always have a joke, a smile, a loving hug, a whitty remark to brighten my day. Black women are resilient and unyielding. Accepting and confident.

    *joins in on the applause* Take a bow sisters, you deserve it.

    I liked the post Dr. J I'm not even mad at you if you get some e-panties thrown your way

  20. Great post J. The thing I appreciate most about black women is that they've stuck by our sorry a**es all these years. Through slavery, reconstruction and the civil rights movement, through the heroin epidemic, the crack epidemic, the AIDS epidemic; through increasing incarceration and interracial dating rates and through the current trend of blurred lines of black male hetero/homochexuality. Y'all more than any other group of women, stick by us. I don't know of any other race of women who are more dedicated to their men than black women are to black men. Y'all raise our kids whether we help or not, and while your consistent picking up of our slack may cause you to sometimes have a "I ain't taking none of your BS" attitude, when we come correct, y'all act accordingly.

    So, let me join in with my good brother Dr. J in saying… cheers to you black women …and let me add my own sincere "Thank You Very Much" on top of that.

    1. In the unedited version of this post, I mentioned that Black women are the best fans in the history of the world. Like when you think about being a fan of a team, if Black men were that team, wouldn't the Black women have left us by now??? But they didn't.

      Black men have said for years, "I'm gon get my ish together, and…"

      We're like the Washington Redskins, we start off strong, but by midseason we're back to our old ways…. But you never know, one day we might get back to that SUPER BOWL.

        1. I was going to say the Buffalo Bills or the NY Knicks… but I just let it go. LOL… either way, Black women are great fans and we're happy to have them.

        2. If black males were a sports franchise, we'd be the Oakland Raiders. We exist in a relatively small market, and though we helped shaped this league (country) we aren't always given our just do by the masses as an integral part this leagues/countries history. We had some success at certain points in history (Civil Rights years/John Madden Years) things have been pretty bleek of late (Reagan Years/Bush 1/Bush 2 years). Things are looking up though (Obama/Possible Playoff run this year). More than anything, we have a base of fans who love us dearly and unconditionaly (Black Women) who are a part of our team and who are as responsible for our team success as anything else.

        3. On account that it's your birthday and you are day drinking or feeling the residuals from last night drinking, i'm gonna let this slide….

          In other news, Go Lakers!

        4. Tell'em again Dr. J!!!!! Birthday or not Streetz needs to sit down somewhere I think the birthday drank has gotten to his head because the Lakers are the ISHHH who wouldn't love'm?

          GO LAKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  21. I really want to be able to do something other just tell you what a fantastic post this is (that made my morning even better). I know you like to have more than just a bunch of comments nodding in agreement with the post. Unfortunately, I don't really have anything to add or even pick apart. Great post!

  22. I hope this one gets posted on Fresh Express. Dudes STAY complaining about their bad choices in choosing women over there.

    I've been saying it all along (lol), if you keep meeting wayward chicks, then perhaps you should re-evaluate how you… evaluate…chicks…

    I've been saying it in a more eloquent way though, lol…

  23. I feel like every woman should pay special attention to the following statements from Dr. J's post:

    it’s obvious that Black women are the prototype for beauty. Think about it, why does everyone tan themselves, put on lipstick, work or pay to get a bigger butt. These things that we see as “stereotypical” for Black women aren’t bad at all.

    When we look at dating and marriage, the statistics are startling. Those statistics don’t really mean much to me though. The way I see it, if a Black woman wants to find a date, she can find a date

    And when asked about why she is with me, she says, “I don’t need him, I want him.” That’s sounds like the greatest woman of all time!

    Digest that with your brain muffin…

    People are always chasing perfection. The definition of perfection – the state of being without flaw or defect.

    The only thing I'll add is that, 'perfection' doesn't exist without a frame of reference. It is relative. Even if there was an imaginary universal flaw, beauty would still encompass that flaw. Beauty requires the flaws some dislike and others endear. And that beauty (arrangement of flaws) are unique to each person. It's like your worldly ID. Therefore you can never forget who you are when you look in the mirror.

      1. You know what I don't get… Tell this to a woman face-2-face and she'll swear up and down I don't know what I'm talking, I'm saying it for the wrong reasons, etc… Mind over matter… Why don't you (some typical woman not listening to me) want what I saying to be true? I swear your beauty isn't found in a bottle. What can I say for you be see your beauty at all times? #inception

        1. With all the negatives things that she's witnessed or heard or been told over a lifetime, all you can do is show her, over and over, how beautiful you think she is. It will take a lot of time to deprogram what has been so deeply ingrained in us from birth on.

          And never lead with the negative, of course. Don't say "Even though my boys clown you for it, I love the gap in your teeth" (not that you'd be so daft as to use that exact sentence, but you'd be surprised, seriously. Just say, "I love your smile, your teeth, you are so beautiful" no need for ugly qualifiers, trust, she's heard the negative before…

          Plus you do have the whole "is he saying this just to get the skins?" factor in real life, it just is what it is…

          Artistic expression is often an acquired taste – look at Kanye's Runaway…personally I found it to be very artful. That's right I said it. and Selita's breasts weren't the only reason

        2. Kanye's Runaway was dam good as a short film. And I'm one who tends to think of him as highly overrated.

        3. I feel what you are saying… And I'll add that some of the programming is done by themselves. It's an individual's choice to internalize anything told to them. Once internalized they repeat it to themselves. They think about it while at the stop light and make excuses based on it. Your reality is only what you make it.

          I see it like this, I'm a man of my word. I'm a King. Therefore, if I say: The sunsets slowly to savor the view of you. Then doggit, that is the truth-> period. Regardless of the outcome b/t you and I. It is what it is… And with all truths, prove a solid foundation for other truths.

          I'm not saying every guy thinks/acts like me, but if it is ME saying this, then believe it. It is your ammunition for all the negative stuff you'll continue to hear because I can't change your past, but I can change your future.

          Plus you do have the whole “is he saying this just to get the skins?” factor in real life, it just is what it is…

          Then the question should be: Why would a woman believe it? And the answer is NOT because she believes he believes. It's should because SHE believes or wants to believe and because SHE wants it to be true. If he leaves it doesn't necessarily mean what he said isn't true. If she internalizes it, then it's decoupled from the speaker. She will then own that truth and the sun.

          So again it is a choice to internalize the truth or what SHE wants to be true and not the person who spoke the truth.

        4. That is true, in part. I'll leave it at that and thank you for the convo 🙂 I respect your vantage. *e-daps*

        5. I'm not really tryin to jump in this convo, but I did want to add that one of the reasons why women are skeptical a lot of the time is because actions don't match up with words.

        6. Girl, it's an open forum, get froggy. To be honest, it just got a lil deep for me…so if you got your swimmies on, jump in! 🙂

          I do appreciate the convo Meteor, I'm just not there today..

  24. Well said, sir. Well said. We appreciate you and we love you right back. I'm going to link this to our site tomorrow when I'm admin. There are a lot of folks on Relationship Playbook that REALLY need to see this.

    *Love the Lumidee reference. She went at Beyonce hard on that remix.*

    BTW… Pick up the phone- It's the President calling!

  25. Bruh this was a much needed post. As a man that is about to jump the broom soon I reflected on all that you had to say about black women. My fiancé is the beat in my heart and I don't think I would be the man I was today if it weren't for her influence. She is a beautiful, intelligent and strong black woman but she knows when to let me be the man I need to be. I see our children in her eyes, she calms my soul and is my mahogany sunshine. Call me soft if you want to but I stay real with mine.

    I feel sorry for some of my frat brothas that were at Howard with me and not embracing black women because they weren't light enough, hair wasn't long enough or eyes weren't hazel. Some of my boys on my line married white woman and although I didn't knock them for it I was perplexed by it. I wholeheartedly feel that only a woman of color can be my help mate through life. I want my daughters to look like my mother, my grandmother, my aunties. I want to raise a household that embodies black pride, love and fortitude. I only want to accomplish these things with my mahogany sunshine.

    Black women you amaze me with your love, perseverance and grace. I am glad I listened to my wing woman for telling me to stop playing games because I would have missed out on my GOOD thing…my beautiful black queen.

    1. This warmed my heart this morning. It's great to come here and see men like you and Most gushing about the women in their lives. 🙂

    2. "She is a beautiful, intelligent and strong black woman but she knows when to let me be the man I need to be. I see our children in her eyes, she calms my soul and is my mahogany sunshine. "

      THIS!!!

      "I wholeheartedly feel that only a woman of color can be my help mate through life. I want my daughters to look like my mother, my grandmother, my aunties. "

      THIS!

      Ash, this brought tears to my eyes, like seriously. I have watched you grow and I am so happy for you two! I want to use an excerpt of this for a wedding poem.. holla at me later. I am so happy you listened to me…. MY NI*GA!!!! (insider).

    3. Wow Ashley! I think I shed a tear.

      I can't let you steal Dr. J's thunder, but I'm telling you…I'll just bookmark this page!

  26. Awwww I like this!

    I'll focus to co-sign on this: I know several attractive, Black women with their priorities in order who are single because dudes are checking for groupies and gold diggers.

    Now while this is true for a good portion of black women there are a lot of black women (who like black men and other racial counterparts) are chasing the same type of persona and then wondering why they get the same type of relationship. This is not a advisement to go for something "new" (although you might be pleasantly surprised)- but if you keep chasing after bad boys and you're not happy…. you might want to switch it up

    1. It's funny….someone needs to do a study on why so many black men don't what to get married.

      I keep sayin I know plenty of single guys. But truthfully if the single guys I know wanted to be married they would be. Myself included.

      1. Truthfully, I sometimes thing this whole e-movement about single black women is more a result of increasing communicatory technology than anything else. Ok, sure, I know tons of single black men who are happy to be single, and I know tons of single black women who are unhappy in their singleness… but, will I be saying the same thing when i'm 45 or 50, or will we all be married by then. I think most of us will be married, there will be a few stragglers of course but that's par for the course. I think this all might just be the same ole' "i'm single and don't wanna be single complaints that women of all races have always made at all times in history, it just resonates louder because we have so many forms of communciation available. Maybe the shift isn't that black men ain't marrying, maybe it's just that black men are waiting until the last possible minute to get married… I don't know… just pontificating.

        1. Most if you are gon be in my head… pay rent. & b/c I'm a fan of Jimmy McMillion the rent won't be that damb much. LOL.

          Anywho… I was JUST saying this my homie last week. I mean our mothers went through the "I need a good man phase" too. However, with the instant communication that we have now and being able to talk to others who are struggling from coast to coast, it just seems like it's – everywhere – when really it may not be that bad. Yea circumstances have changed and men may want to wait a little longer before getting married but men have never really raced to the alter to begin with.

        2. I can't say its because we wait until the last minute. I think alot of it has to do with the mindset and respect for marriage these days.

          Cheating isn't new, financial issues arent new, lack of quality time in a marriage or relationship isnt new. Yet the people whose golden anniversary parties we have gone to weathered through these storms.

          I think now we view marriage as a step above going "steady." Like I will see if this works, but if it doesnt im up out this piece. When I get married I want it to be FOREVER. I want it to be someone who uplifts me and has a similar mindisight and our futures aline, and also someone I am COMPATIBLE with. Love is important….. but how many people are in love with someone they cant stand? And how many people confuse love with lust, obsession, dependency, fear of being lonely?

          Out of me and my 4 best homies from college I am the only one who is not engaged or married, and I dont feel rushed. I am more comfortable with people waiting until they know who they are before they can find who it is they want to spend the rest of their life with.

          All this to say that I dont think people in their mid to late 20's are viewing marriage as what their grandma and grandfather had that lasted a lifetime, they are looking at all their friends and associates closer in age (who probably got married for the wrong reason) and seeing marriage as something you do for two years and then lose half your stuff and three times a monthly car note in alimony. This is why it elates me to see positive depictions of marriage such as the Obama's and WIll and Jada Smith.

        3. "I think this all might just be the same ole’ “i’m single and don’t wanna be single complaints that women of all races have always made at all times in history"

          This is probably very true. I also wonder how much outside pressures to not be single play a part in this. I would probably not notice/worry/care about the fact that I am currently single if there wasn't always someone asking me why. Not to mention the tons of things I read/hear everyday implying that if you're single, clearly there is something wrong with you. That does include such statements as "maybe you should look at what you're doing wrong" and other such hilarious statements. I understand why they are said in general terms, but it's hard not to take it as a direct statement.

          It's not that these statements are necessarily incorrect (I had to take a hard look at the role I played in my divorce), but it's still pretty much the one thing that'll make me notice how single I am.

      2. "It’s funny….someone needs to do a study on why so many black men don’t what to get married."

        ^^I'd love to read a study on it. But I have a few theories regarding why they don't.

    2. *nods head in agreement*

      This is true for a large number of women, actually. That's why it was kind of hard to watch that one Marriage Negotiation video with 'ol boy trying to get a job.

    1. They sure do. This is one of those days needing a mass welcome.

      Welcome to all the lurkers who came out today! *e-confetti and e-champagne all around*

      If you go back into to hiding tomorrow, I fully expect to be reimbursed for all the e-confetti and e-alcohol.

        1. LMAO!!!

          SoFlyy I'd like to present you with the award for Best Integration of Posts in the form of a Zinger.

        2. Now, what I look like welcoming people with some e-4Loko and having to add a disclaimer that the feeling they will experience is in no way related to e-roofies?

        3. *holding my Zinger award in hand*

          *sobbing* I really don't know what to say… You like me!! You really like me! *sniffle* This was just so *tears* unexpected & I just don't think I could've ever done it if it weren't for you all who motivated me along the way. *pulls speech out of pocket*

          Of course, I'd like to thank Slim was his timely post, educating the masses on the potency that is 4Loko. (http://www.threewaystotakeit.com/four-loko-alcoholic-energy-drink/) *sniffle* I'd like to thank N.I.A. for co-signing that Malt liquor is an acceptable DRANK for the urban professional. *tears* Starita? What would I be w/o you? *dabbing w/ tissue* My other half… Ivory to my Ebony… this one is for you! *tears* And this one *holding up award* is for the e-family…

          Thank you all!! *blows kisses*

        4. @ So Flyy

          LMAO!! Happy my co-signage helped.

          And here I am, trying to maintain my Spelman "Iambetterthanyouandyesiamjudgingyou" bourgieness, and I get caught out there with a post about 4Loko. smh…

  27. Oops, this was supposed to be in reply to your response that quoted some of my post above ^^^

    Meteor, may I can you Meteor? Meteor, I know that men, by nature are problem solvers, solution finders, fix it and STFU move on proponents. But understand that women, by nature are talkers, feelers, get it out of our system, commiserate, vent and sometimes just won't STFU in general .

    Every time we talk about our "man problems" it's not necessarily an outcry for help or assistance. Sometimes we're just talking. Sharing stories with a friend in the same struggle. Checking that we're not alone or crazy.

    So when it is suggested that if we "can't find a man" because we aren't "looking in the right places" you're probably going to get a mouthful. We're looking everywhere we can look. And like you confirmed there is a lot of trash out there. So keep telling the ladies "we're ok" and take a play from your own playbook and just listen sometimes. Sometimes that is all we want. No matter what you say, we'll still be single at the end of the conversation. We know the deal and mere words will never correct the issues that we come across. We're just looking for a little hope and a kind word which is why often times men will get crucified for telling us how they really think.

  28. Thanks Dr J for showing love. Love you back!

    I'm with him because I want to be with him, I don't need him…..many people don't understand that because most "need" him. Being able to hold your own is a good thing. I like a man that can hold his own if he can't, then I feel as if he can't hold US down. We need to restore the black love. Respect, honesty, communication, stability, strength, appreciation, unconditional love.

  29. This post is definitely in the running for Post of the year. Top 3 at LEAST!

    Make sure you promote this blog everywhere, the same way they promote the BS they say about black women.

    Get this word spread like legs from bday secks!

    …..

    sorry thinking out loud

  30. THIS:

    "We don’t want single women with children …maybe we should work on being better fathers. A high percentage of Black women have STDs … maybe we should practice safe sex and know our status."

    I LOVE this whole post. Why am I just now discovering this blog? I have too many fav blogs now and I need to get work done while I'm at work. lol I wonder if I can be a professional blog reader. Anywho, great post!

    1. "Why am I just now discovering this blog?"

      That's a very good question, if I had known you weren't aware of it, I would retweet more often. Welcome!

  31. Where's the white girl love?

    naw, I dig this post J, Black women are probably the most stereotyped people (maybe tied with old asian men) and it's fucked up. I hate the fact that some of my friends hate on an educated well spoken Black chick and are quick to say ignorant shit like "she's acting white", it's like they want the most ignorant bitch they can find because that's what they're accustomed to.

    But with that said I do hold a special place in my heart for the stereotypical hoodrat who talks, walks, and acts like everyone think she should,

  32. This post made my evening, it spoke to what myself and what many other black women experice and feel…. Thank You for the love encouragemet and FAITH, that good appreciative black men still exist!!! 🙂

  33. *saunters in late/delurks to say:

    YES! and thank you.

    *sends post dated chq for glitter and champagne reimbursement on my way back to lurkerdom

  34. Women don't want solutions. They want to be told that everything's is ok. They love that.They want encouragement.

    Tell them about themselves and they will disagree, no matter what. You are simply wrong!

    I guess there is nothing wrong with Black Men either?

    Black Women only have one problem….y'all to choosy

    Everything else is great about them.

    I've dated in and out the race…and yall are the choosiest.

    I only date Strong Black Women now…because they're the most interesting to me…but y'all are choosy. The CNN/ABC/BCC highlighted that these Successful SBWs had such requirements as 6'5, 100k+ salary, no kids, College educated from a top school. These guys are out there somewhere…but what about the guy who meets all but 1 of these requirements…is that settling? or is that being realistic? (depends on which one, right?) What about the guys at 100k+ but has no time for you and cares more about his career. He's single because he wants to be…but that's the one you're overlooking the rest for.

    What about the other Black women out there who are only interested in the Thugs(because only they, can 'handle you right') or the Ballers, Artists, and Drug Dealers(because they got that paper…cash money…diamonds) are we not considering them as Black Women??? There is nothing wrong with them, right? IDK

    I'm only 22 and on my way to the top, and i got a feeling that when i get there im gonna become extra choosy as well. I'm going to choose me a nice foreign chick…yes!

    I'm only kidding. I'll let love find its way.

    Good Post Dr. J. I agree with the fact the media is wrong saying that are women are too loud, or too strong minded, to successful, they don't know how to keep a man…i don't agree with any of that.

    1. if this was written tongue-in-cheek..

      but if you are being serious, i got a few thoughts –

      im confused..im great, but too choosy?

      you agree with the post, but black women are the choosiest?

      you are 22 and on your way to the top… come back in 10 yrs when you've 'made' it are are likely dating anything BUT a black woman.

      this post was riddled with inconsistencies, stereotypes, generalizations and ruined the overall good feeling of the post.

      rewind and come again.

  35. Can I just say I love love love this post!!!! Wish it was written several months ago so I could have used it for my thesis.

    Thank you for this post!

  36. This is a wonderful post. As much as I hear negative things about black women, it's refreshing to hear something positive for a change. Especially from the black man!

  37. I dont think the media wants to bash black women. Remember, the media ALWAYS points out that the women who are SINGLE are the SUCCESSFUL/BEAUTIFUL ones…in a way, i think its the white mans insecurities coming out about HIS woman (the white woman) and FEMINISM. If anyone has ever heard the TOM LEYKIS show (there are some clips on YOUTUBE). He tends to talk about WESTERN women in general but comes across as BASHING white women for women of other races (this guy is caucasian himself). I feel like what the media is trying to say about BLACK WOMEN & SUCCESS is simply a warning to white women 'IF YOU BECOME SUCCESSFUL blah blah blah…this is how YOU may turn out especially if you date black men' its clear thats what their trying to say (why else will they talk about the WELL TO DO ones?) this is why they always travel for women and have become the highest interracial daters.

    This is all out of the white mans insecurity but his just used black women as a scape goat because the majority date black men.

    They are also putting black men down because what their saying is: BLACK WOMEN, black men hate your colour and prefer a lighter shade, BLACK WOMEN, black men do not marry you, BLACK WOMEN, black men arent in school and their in jail etc…..

    This is just my view on it. I think it dosent have much to do with BASHING black women (theres nothing to gain) its about their insecurity and bashing a WHOLE race (when you bash the women, you could EASILY make the men look bad)

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