Home Featured Raising a Gay or Lesbian Child Part 1

Raising a Gay or Lesbian Child Part 1

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Would you help him grow to become this man?

When I’ve heard about homosexuality and transgenders in the past, I’ve felt my stomach turn a bit. I’ve thought about my family in the future and have already prayed that my son or daughter doesn’t turn out to be in either category. As long as it doesn’t happen to me, I’ve told myself, I don’t care what anybody else does. It’s not my life. But as we all know, this has become a reality for a lot of parents. And like me, there are many people out there that immediately have a negative reaction or find themselves making a slew of jokes in an effort to counteract how the thoughts of raising a gay, lesbian, or future transgender child might really affect them internally.

I recently received a link to a video from a reader (Starita) to a segment from a tv show out of Seattle called New Day Northwest. This particular episode primarily featured the story of a 5-year old boy named Dyson Kilodavis and his mother-turned-author Cheryl Kilodavis. She wrote a book titled My Princess Boy which became a discussion point for anti-bullying discussions at his school. Dyson is a regular kid, aside from the fact that he’s discovered that he likes to dress in girl clothing and enjoys sparkles and glitter. In the segment, Cheryl talks about how she realized when he was 2 that his interest wasn’t action figures and other typical boy things. She went to pick him up from daycare and he was wearing a red sequined dress.

As a man, I know that I would have been shocked and went home pondering why my son had made such a decision. Cheryl was a bit confused as well and pretty uncomfortable when she set her eyes upon Dyson’s clothing selection. She eventually went and purchased some more traditional boy clothing shortly thereafter with the thought that the school didn’t offer enough options, but when she picked him up on another day from daycare, he was wearing a yellow dress. As you can imagine, this isn’t quite what she expected.

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Like many of us would have, Cheryl went to his teachers and the family doctor in search of answers for why and how long Dyson had been leaning toward girl’s clothing and this issue of gender confusion. What made this more interesting was the fact that Dyson’s dad, a black man, was completely supportive of his son’s early decision-making and was more focused on making sure Dyson grew up knowing his parents were behind him as he continued to decide which way he wanted to go with his identity. Dyson’s school shared similar sentiments. He informed his teacher that he wanted to be a princess for Halloween and 3 of the most manly men in the school got dressed up as ballerinas and did a dance in an effort to show him that it was okay for him to be who he was. Even Dyson’s slightly older brother supported Dyson’s affinity for all things fabulous.

As I watched, I couldn’t help but wonder how authentic Dyson’s father was in his support of his son. I found myself looking at the computer screen and wondering “Are you serious? You’re not even gonna try to guide your son toward masculinity while you still have the chance to impact his decisions and overall life going forward?” I then found myself thinking about my views on homosexuality and how they’ve changed over the last couple years. I recalled a post I co-authored on homosexuality and the black community and how I uncomfortably danced around the topic in an effort to draw traffic without really getting into the issue. It wasn’t too long after this that a friend sent me a link to an article from a story a few years ago that appeared on Oprah involving another family with a son that found himself more intrigued and enamored with glamor and sparkly things.

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This particular father, Derek, wasn’t as supportive of his son Dylan (Not the one you’re probably thinking), who made it clear at age 4 that he wanted to be a girl. Dylan’s father had reprimanded his son on several occasions, similar to what I may have done in the past if it were me, in an effort to try and curb the behavior. His mother, on the other hand, took the supportive route. She even went as far as buying Dylan a series of dolls and painting his nails in an effort to show that the way he was feeling about his gender identity was more than okay. This episode also went on to feature a girl, with significantly more supportive parents, that wanted to transition to a male. The author of the article, the white president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, described Oprah’s support of new gender expression as moral insanity for supporting something that isn’t normal. I only mention the race of the author and his view briefly to show that this isn’t just about black people. However, I don’t think his sentiment is far off from what we see in many of the black churches across the country and across the world. Homosexuality and gender association continues to be a simultaneously debated and gagged topic in the black community.

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If we look at how black folks voted back in 2008 on Proposition 8 in California on gay marriage, it’s obvious how many of us feel when it comes to homosexuality of others. We can also look at the recent Vibe article on the Mean Girls of Morehouse and the firestorm that created across the internet—most of which calling the author, Aliya S. King, a multitude of names inquiring as to why she didn’t paint a happier picture of one of the most prestigious black universities in the United States. Most of the people commenting on the story, including myself, don’t and won’t know what it’s like to raise a child that doesn’t want to live as what his birth certificate acknowledged him or her to be. And that, in and of itself, is a major issue. What happens if it happens to us?

I’ve got my own thoughts on this and some of the other topics buried within the stories that I mentioned that I plan to discuss tomorrow on my blog in the conclusion of this 2 part series. But for today, I want to know what are your thoughts? Would you seriously support your child if he or she started showing signs of wanting to swap sexes? In other words, would you condone such behavior at a young age or would you try to resolve your child’s confusion? Do you think that this is something that can even be altered? Let me know your thoughts and look out for part 2, where I’ll adress some additional issues tomorrow on Three Ways to Take It.

Opening a Can of Worms for the Betterment of the World,

Comment(150)

  1. Would you seriously support your child if he or she started showing signs of wanting to swap sexes?

    ^^^Yes.

    In other words, would you condone such behavior at a young age or would you try to resolve your child’s confusion?

    ^^^No…this has to do with development…you try to change who they are at an early age & you mess with their ability to develop self-confidence & self-esteem.

    Do you think that this is something that can even be altered?

    ^^^No…i have a family member who was engaged to a dude & after almost 5 years with the guy (they never got married), she came out & told family members that she's a lesbian (the whole family doesn't know). If you try to change who they are, it will still come out later so just support them…they need love just like anyone else. I have no issue with this family member's sexuality…i just don't like her girlfriend (now THAT can be an issue).

    Great post.

  2. Just b/c one supports their child being gay doesn't mean one supports their child having a sex change. Nonetheless, I have to commend Dyson's father and any other parent who supports their child in their possible or certain homosexuality.

    Speaking of supportive parents of homosexual children, the issue at Morehouse involves gay students who before they went to Morehouse have been supported by their parents and in some cases their local communities as well. So, for some of these gay kids coming to Morehouse exposes them to a conservative environment for the first time. Just some thoughts.

    1. just for clarification… transmen and transwomen do not always identify as homosexual. For example you have Alex who was born with a p*n!s and he feels he was meant to be a woman and is attracted to men. He would identify as a STRAIGHT transwoman. However there are also men and women who change sexes and are homosexual. So transwomen who date ciswomen and transmen who date cismen. These cases are a prime example of how you know this isn't a socially constructed phenomenon because why would a man want to change into a woman and also be with a woman (unless it was something internally driven).

  3. We had this discussion in one of my classes yesterday. It hurt my feelings too hear the homophobia running underneath every shoddy attempt at rationalizing not loving and supporting a child in the same manner because of what are, in Dyson's case merely aesthetic choices thus far. I can understand a concern for the way the child is viewed and treated by outsiders but making sure he or she understands that there is nothing wrong with them will help to curb some of the attacks they may face. Seriously if what they're doing is not causing harm to themselves or any other person what is the big freaking deal.

    1. i am in total agreement with you. it makes me sad to see these children (who will later become adults) not be accepted by those that are supposed to love them unconditionally (at least i feel they should). This is why the depression and suicide rates amongst trans individuals & queers are so high.

  4. As I watched, I couldn’t help but wonder how authentic Dyson’s father was in his support of his son. I found myself looking at the computer screen and wondering “Are you serious? You’re not even gonna try to guide your son toward masculinity while you still have the chance to impact his decisions and overall life going forward?”

    To even remotely criticize Dyson's father, a Black man, for supporting his child is ridiculous when so many Black men are "in the wind" and have no relationship with their children or child. Sometimes I want to scream at some of my Black people telling them to put the Bibles down (it's always funny to me how my non-religious, "liberal" Black people start quoting Bible verses condemning homosexuality) and get off the bullshit.

    1. seriously its such utter bs. You have a child, you love them. And let God do the judging. Moreover you don't pick and choose which Bible verses to abide by if you choose to plead this case against homosexuals because likely you engage in many acts condemned by this same book.

  5. I have to be 100% authentic here and admit that, while I have nothing against homosexuality, I would be uncomfortable in this particular situation with the dress wearing child. I want my children to be confident in who they are, but I also want to make sure that I'm not going overboard with support (one way or the other) while they are still developing.

    For ex, as an educator, I've seen many girls that are now coming out as being bi-sexual because they see it as the latest fad. Same sex attraction is actually a part of natural development that may or may not develop into something physical. Yet, a lot of girls think that their best female friends are supposed to automatically become their lovers. As a parent, I would want to make sure that my daugther knew the difference between legitimate same-sex attraction and normal development instead of automatically encouraging her to attend the next gay pride rally.

    On the flip side of that, if my son or daughter told me that they KNEW that they were gay, I would be OK with that and embrace them and their partner. But the whole cross dressing thing? As supportive as I am, I'm not sure that I could get down like that. Could my son take ballet classes if he chose? Sure. Could my daughter play football? Yes. But I'm still uneasy about the gender swap. They would have to wait until they were an adult to make that decision.

    Does that make sense? I feel like I'm contradicting myself…

    1. I feel SoJo on her whooooole post, especially the natual development of teens and them deciding to be 'bisexual' so early in life. Additionally, a lot of teens (and I know this from experience) elect to be homo- or bi-sexual due to abuse in the past. Sometimes, there are things worth exploring…

      The thing about sexuality for me is that I base my beliefs in my faith. So, while I am 100% tolerant of homosexual individuals… I am still reserved when it comes to 'acceptance.' I gues.. I don't even know if acceptance is the right word.

      My concern w/ Dyson and his parents support, is not they shouldn't be supportive but maybe they are being OVERLY-supportive, if there is such a thing. At 5 years old Dyson barely knows his right from his left. Gender is a societal role; and at 5 Dyson isn't aware of it. So yes, allow him to like the things that he likes… sparkle, glitter & feather boas included. However, don't leave him alone to figure out his role in society alone. I don't see anything wrong with showing him or even guiding his preceptions on masculinity & that he is a male child. When Dyson gets older, if he rebels against what society says is 'normal' then that's another discussion for another day. But at 5, allowing him to make those decisions for himself is a problem for me.

      If my sexually conscious child, tells me that they are in fact homosexual… I'm not going to stop loving them. Will they be allowed to bring their partner to my home? Depends on the age of the child… certain things I'm not going to allow regardless of the sexuality. Hetero- or Homo- you will not have a 'partner' in your room/bed in MY house unless you are married to them. Period. I would be praying for my child continuously b/c if they do elect to live the homosexual lifestyle they have a hard road in front of them. Even my religious buffs know that The Big Man said love the sinner, hate the sin… so there is a fine line. Would I support a sex change? Most definitely not. It is confuses me endlessly when a woman (for example) elects to change her sex to a man, only to end up w/ a male partner. WTF is that? You could've been w/ a man as a woman… o_O. That one has my mind boggled…

      Ok… so I've written a book of conflicting views. Great.

      1. In one of my med ethics course, I learned that there are 2 sexes, but over 20 genders. The lines are definitely blurred.

        Also, a sex health expert came to my med school to reiterate that point, since we'll be dealing with all kinds of patients…muy importante for us to develop tolerance starting now, regardless of believe…Tolerance is key!

        There's a difference between mental and physical gender.

        Physically, a woman who becomes a man, but is attracted to men, is mentally gay, but physically straight, since she's attracted to the opposite sex of that which is she born. However, she FEELS like a man, even though she's a woman, and therefore, she's mentally gay.

        It gets even more complicated and blurry than that. Very interesting stuff.

      2. There are a lot of young women who "pretend" to be bisexual and aren't really but there are also many who genuinely are (such as myself). Also you have to remember that sexuality is very fluid. You can enjoy sex with a woman but not be able to form a mental connection with her and you may still identify as bisexual. Whereas others may not consider you a true bisexual unless you can sustain both a mental/physical connection. It's not as black and white as so many think… so many different points along the spectrum.

        1. There are a lot of young women who “pretend” to be bisexual and aren’t really

          ^^^^THIS!!!!!!!

          I truly blame the media (lil wayne, kanye, rick ross, nikki minaj, etc.) For this BS it's like wannabe Bi-girls is the new "Yo dawg she's A FREAK" term now.

    2. Teen girls kissing girls for fun or for the attention of young men and young children having gender identity issues are two totally different topics. I don't think it's fair to compare the two. In the latter case it's far more critical that the parent be supportive of their child.

  6. i honestly don't know how to feel about this. My ultimate responsibility as a father and as a parent, in my opinion, is to provide an environment to nuture and grow de lickle yout dem into mature, functioning, productive members of society. in this current version of society, this won't be (or by the time i have kids, won't be) limited by sexual preference. but on the other hand, i feel like as a father (well, a father to be) that i am supposed to set the example of masculinity for my kids. if my son decided to explore/embrace his feminity/homosexuality, i think it would honestly leave me a bit hollow, to begin with, and after time, i would slowly have to accept it, regardless if i like it or not. i never thought about having daughters, i really just wanted to have sons…but if i had a daughter who wanted to embrace the land of lesbia, i would just be concerned for her well-being growing up.

    it's something i really hope i don't have to deal with.

  7. I'd support my child's decision to be a homosexual but the swapping sexes part? I dunno. *shrug* Not a fan. I just know I'm better than my parents. My mom definitely said she'd disown us if any of us (3 girls and 1 boy) were/decided to be gay. I don't fight it nor do I support her homophobic thoughts and beliefs. I'm just a bit more open minded.

    I loved the read but I'm argument/debate empty today. Good job. 🙂

  8. Yes, I would absolutely support my kids decision if they decided they were gay, transgender or whatever…I wouldn't like it..but, I would support it. Their father would definitely not support it..so, I would definitely have to be the strength they needed.

    It would not be easy but I would always stand beside my child..as far as the dress wearing. I would try with everything in me to steer my child towards more traditional dress..but, I would tell them when they are older they can choose to wear what they want.

  9. Wow, I guess I'm going to be the black sheep in the corner and say HELL NO I do not support homosexuality, LGBT groups or anything affiliated with it.

    I believe homosexuality is a choice and will always believe that. Gender confusion at a younge age is common as boys and girls learn what society considers appropriate for dudes and dudettes. But wanting to convert over to the other team cuz you think that's where you belong? I'm sorry not buying it. We look down on people wanting to lighten their skin tone, but support switching sexes?

    I did come from a conservative Christian family and there are a few homosexuals in the fam, but they know we don't accept it or tolerate it, and stay out of family functions. I too was threathened by my father that he would disown and/or terminate life had me and my brother decided to switch teams. And I support that message today.

    Before someone says something silly like that's homophobic. A phobia is defined as an irrational, intense fear of certain situations, people or things. I fear none of this but I have the right to be vocal and disagree and uphold my views. Luckily my rights against homosexuality are just as protected as their rights to support.

    1. But DeKeLa, they could argue with you and ask, "was being born black a choice?" That is how they feel about being born gay. That is also why they consider themselves a minority and why they fight for gay rights.

      1. I'm not homosexual, but that's how I feel about it. I don't think someone would CHOOSE to be gay. Especially a man. I say this b/c I work in a high school and I see a lot of girls turning to homosexuality/bi-sexuality due to a # of things such as low self-esteem or it being "cool".

      2. Is it just me or am I the ONLY one that feels comparing being black to being gay is not equivalent? I've heard this argument more than once… and it is fine that you want to 'fight for your right' <del>to party</del> but I just don't feel the black/gay argument.

        I mean if two black parents get together… they KNOW with assurity they are having a black child. When those two parents get together what they don't know is when there lil black child is 5 he'll want to wear a dress. Sexuality is society role (just b/c you have a penii doesn't make it a hetero- penii)… and one developments in life help them find their place in it. Race is given to you. Period. And regardless of the fact that I wake up in the morning and feel white, society is going to PUT me in my place & remind me that I'm black.

        1. I understand what you're saying Flyy Gahl, but even though 2 black parents got together and decided to make a black child, doesn't mean that the child didn't wake up one morning, look at his/her skin and say, — damn…why'd I have to be born BLACK!? (note that I'm playing devils advocate here because I have VERY conflicting views about the entire thing.)

        2. This is true… but as I stated, no matter how I feel about being BLACK, society isn't going to allow me to escape what it is, your sexuality is something that can fly under the radar – or you have the choice to eliminate completely. Ask Michael Jackson…

        3. I thought I was going to be the only person to feel that way. Please STOP comparing Gay Rights to the Civil Rights movement.

        4. DeKeLa: "Please STOP comparing Gay Rights to the Civil Rights movement."

          This is slightly off topic; I don't care about gays marching for rights or whatever, but I get real irritated when they try to compare their struggle to the Civil Rights movement. It's like comparing an orange to the Earth because they are both round.

        5. Thank you all wise knowing black people for stating what everyone knows being black is not the same as being gay.
          It doesn't take a genius to see the differences between gay rights and the civil rights. I know how I became black thank you very much.

          However if you STOP look at the situations critically you can see the similarities between gay rights and the civil rights. The point is that a minority is trying to live amongst a majority. point.blank.period. This is not an oppression competition.
          As black people we should want our successful (and still incomplete) struggle to serve as an inspiration to other struggles through out the world. Why are we trying to keep the legacy to ourselves?

          You want gay to say look at what the civil rights got done, let go get our respect.
          You want women to say look at what the civil rights got done, let go get our equal pay.
          You want South Africans to say look at what the civil rights got done, let go get rid of apartheid.
          You want Palestinians to say look at what the civil rights got done, let go get our land peacefully.

          **The sarcasm was not directed at one person**

        6. "The point is that a minority is trying to live amongst a majority. point.blank.period. This is not an oppression competition."

          No comment, just needed to be said twice IMO.

        7. CHeeKZ thanks for pointing out that the film in front of my eyes… before you pointed it out I couldn't see the similarities in those movements. I couldn't see how the civil rights movement could be a lead instrument in other minority groups seeking their particular freedoms. In no way shape or form was I able to make that connection -_____-

          I am aware of the similarties and I'm proud that black folk could lead the way… but what I don't agree with is people who think the basis for such is the SAME. Gays were hauled here on a boat against their will made to serve their oppressor and given no freedoms. So in essence my commennts were for people who believe they are likened to the SAME struggle.

          & Hugh I like your statement about the Orange and the Earth. It essentially sums up what I was trying to say. *applause*

        8. Oh its like that Flyy Gahl turning my sarcasm into a better sarcastic slight?

          The "sameness" comes from the people actually doing the oppressing. The basis isn't in how we are oppressed or the history but why we are oppressed. Think like a hater.

      3. Being born black wasn't a choice and not something I can deny. Being born male wasn't a choice and not something I can deny.

        Learn to accept the skin and gender you were born in,there is no changing it. Regardless how 'conflicted' you feel. Instead of supporting people in what they they think they are, support them in appreciating and accepting what they actually are.

        1. Who are you to tell someone else who they are? This just makes no sense whatsoever…

          So because I am black and a woman I must act accordingly… yes?

    2. "I believe homosexuality is a choice and will always believe that."

      I'm not going to call you homophobic. I am just going to call you flat out ignorant. Not surprising every conservative view point is born on intolerance and selfishness IMHO.

      People said the same thing about the earth being round. Doesn't matter what you believe. Really it doesn't matter if it was a choice or a genome. The point is there are too many of them to keep conservative the mainstream. And we have to adjust
      to keep these kids as positive members of society.

      1. Cheekz, I typically respect your viewpoints and laugh at your outlandish comments, but calling my opinion ignorant without any valdity is not something I appreciate.

        If you want to disagree with my views (which we see aren't only my sentiments) then thats fine and we can be men about it. I didn't insult anyone and stated what I felt. Comparing my theory to the earth is round is ludicrous, but I'll be the bigger man and shrug it off.

        By the way, the earth isn't round, it's an oblong sphere.

        1. Nice sphere comeback.

          my point on ignorance was why hold on to beliefs to tight when there is a chance you could be wrong? Why cut off family member who love you?

          And conservatism impedes freedom. I openly hate conservatives. B/c than you are making other peoples choices for them. Everyone has a right to their viewpoint but its the bullying for gay/different people that people turn an blind eye to.

        2. Because there are consequences to choices and actions. It's not a fair world out there and I'm not Jesus.

          I never said I was a conservative (I'm actually pretty liberal) and freedom does not mean ubridled freeddom to do what you want how you want, when you want it.

          You hold on tight to your beliefs because it's what you believe, what else are you supposed to hold onto?

          I am also not a fan of gay bashing and attacks on homosexuals, and think those who do should be punished. But the lifestyle will draw those type of events to occur and its a risk they will have to deal with.

        3. I am also not a fan of gay bashing and attacks on homosexuals, and think those who do should be punished. But the lifestyle will draw those type of events to occur and its a risk they will have to deal with.

          I hear you. But the difference is the kid who puts up with the bullying and gay bashing is a hero to me.

        4. How do you say

          "I too was threathened by my father that he would disown and/or terminate life had me and my brother decided to switch teams. And I support that message today."

          and then follow up with

          "I am also not a fan of gay bashing and attacks on homosexuals, and think those who do should be punished. "

          So you just shun your family and not calling it bashing? Gotcha…

    3. This post infuriates me but you are entitled to your opinion. But can I ask you to just think about something… why would anyone choose to be gay?? Do you know how much it sucks to be gay?? Like seriously. Do you know how much shit we have to put up with from everyone? How many times so many of us have wished to be straight? How many friends/family we've lost because of something we can't change? How many of us have wanted to end our lives because of all the people who won't accept ours?

      1. PREACH!

        I cannot stand when people say that homosexuality is a choice. Who the hell would choose to be gay/lesbian when you have to put up with all this? If you aren't homosexual, you shouldn't be speaking for homosexuals.

  10. OK, here I go — I'm old school (*chuckling at myself*). The way that I was raised, gay was a big no-no. My father was considerably macho. When I was a little girl the gay kids would get punched in the back when they walked down the hallway in school, that's just the way things were in the '60's and 70's. Not saying that it was right, just that's how it was.

    I know that when my sons were little, my husband walked around eyeballing them for any sign of homosexuality, it really bothered him to the point where I was concerned…you know, WHAT IF?

    I knew at that moment that I would love my sons no matter what…you can't always help the way that you turn out. Luckily for them (and me) they're both heterosexual regular kids.

    I feel concern when I go to church that there are so many gay males in our congregation. It concerned me to the point where when my oldest wanted to go on a teen retreat I wouldn't let him go. (Just being honest).

    I also know that working in student affairs, I have to keep an open mind to gay rights…and I'm even a member of the LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bi, transgendered and queer) committee…it helps me to keep my views out of the stone ages and to remember that these are people…people that have rights, people that have concerns, fears, intelligence and emotions and that they've spent years fighting against some of the very same mindset that I have within myself.

    I realize that I also have written conflicting thoughts and ideas, but I think that honestly brings it to the forefront…many of us are conflicted and remain that way until forced to make a decision.

  11. I would support my child 1,000% if he or she were gay or lesbian, as a parent I would want to see them happy but at the same time I would try to discourage the dress wearing/cross-dressing and such ONLY because as a parent it's my job to protect/shield my child from any playground bulllies and harm so I would definitely try to push for more gender specific clothing depending on the sex of child….

    Do you think it's more difficult for fathers to accept, support and deal with having a gay son than it is for mothers? I DO.

    1. I do as well.

      Men have a hard time w/ the gay son. Mothers love their children regardless. Men see a "problem" and want to fix it, and this is something that can't be fixed.

    2. I just want to have one straight son….

      I care nothing about the other kid's sexuality. Lesbians girls would actually be pretty cool. I would raise a slick lesbian, bag all your daughters and I don't have to worry about her getting pregnant or paying for her wedding. But i don't my name to die with me, so I am looking for one straight boy.

      It would be messed up though if my straight son turned out to be lazy good for nothing like his old man and the gay son turned into Kevin Durant…..

      that is why you gotta raise them with love.

  12. As a man and a father I'd support my child simply because he/she was mine. However, with all the difficulties BM face both in our communities and the world at large, I'd be remiss if I didn't admit that part of me would be a little disappointed if my son came out to me and admitted being gay.

    1. "However, with all the difficulties BM face both in our communities and the world at large, I’d be remiss if I didn’t admit that part of me would be a little disappointed if my son came out to me and admitted being gay."

      You know what, not for nothing…….. it seems that being a Black Gay Male in Corporate America today seems to have its perks — one of them being that He no longer symbolizes the ABM due to his sexual preference therefore his peers feel more comfortable around him THUS making it easier for him to excel in the workplace. #JMHO

      1. THIS!! Sixx you be reading my mind! I've encountered one gay BM in my corporate experience and he was EVERYBODYs best friend. I mean the blacks loved him b/c he was fair, honest and understood our struggle. The 2520s loved him b/c he was open, friendly & wasn't the least bit intimidating. He had the perfect win-win. He left the company, a few years back to try his hand at running a franchise and came back a few yrs later w/ a better job title, more cash and people still hailing his name as the best manager to ever grace the hallways. He just left again 4 weeks ago and I swear to beans I saw tears shed at the party.

        1. "He had the perfect win-win. He left the company, a few years back to try his hand at running a franchise and came back a few yrs later w/ a better job title, more cash and people still hailing his name as the best manager to ever grace the hallways. He just left again 4 weeks ago and I swear to beans I saw tears shed at the party."

          Hahahaaaaa……

          Woowwwwwww, but that's how it be for the most part.

          #IAin'tMadThough

  13. If my child was gay I would not be thrilled but I'd accept it. But if they come home talking that transgender stuff it will not be accepted or embraced! As long as they are in my home they will not be swapping genders. When they leave home they can do as they please.

  14. Would you seriously support your child if he or she started showing signs of wanting to swap sexes?

    Yes, but not until they're over 18. I want them to be sure because that is a serious surgery.

    In other words, would you condone such behavior at a young age or would you try to resolve your child’s confusion?

    See above. By the way, swapping sexes != cross dressing.

    Do you think that this is something that can even be altered?

    No. A person doesn't decide to be a homosexual or even that they identify with a certain gender just because it's cool or whatever else. Why would you DECIDE to be potentially persecuted for the rest of your life because other people can't keep their opinions to themselves? Or why would you choose to struggle with your gender identity due to societal pressures? It's not something you can ignore.

    Still though, I work for a fortune 500 company (and top 25 best companies to work for) that openly supports LGBT people. Honestly no one subjects their ideas on them and they even hold highly ranked positions within the company. AND the company mostly supports government clients in DC!

    It really isn't a big deal, or as extreme as most people think. The typical LGBT person isn't the stereotype that you see…a lot of the time you can't even tell.

    It slays me though how people say they don't have to accept people being gay.

    Um…okay…what does it have to do with you anyway?

  15. I was raise in Alabama in the country (as you city folk call it); being gay or lesbian was not talked about. Seriously, if there were gay/lesbians they did not talk about it or cross-dress.

    Now D.C. was another story, fast forward 5-6 years; there was a whole community, many clubs, and even parades and I even witness two teenage girls getting on the bus with rainbow belts on, smacking each other on the booty and kissing on the metro.

    None of this bothered me; I was just shocked that everything was so out in the open.

    I am not sure if as a mother I would be ok with my son dressing as a princess, knowing what he will have to deal with as a BM later in life is what will concern me. It is hard enough being black.

    There are many influences out there, so I am sure I would do everything in my power as a parent to guide my child the way I think he/she should go. Say what you will but this is my child and my house. I will tell my son to take the damn dress OFF! Nicely of course.

    When he grows up and decides to do his thing, I would love and support him but in my house, my rules apply.

  16. In related news, I took a Gender class in college that discussed LGBT issues.

    Again, it isn't always as simple as people think.

    There are some people that are born with ambiguous gonads. Parents choose a gender for them and they end up choosing incorrectly…effectively setting the scene for them to be LGBT. This happens to 1%-2% of births. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intersex

    There's also a genetic theory about male homosexuality called Sexually Antagonistic Selection. A little complicated to explain here, but you can read about it yourself. http://www.slate.com/id/2194232

    Overall though, homosexuality when it's out of the womb and not just to be cool/not a result of sexual abuse, can also be a result of a particular kind of natural selection…and even genetics.

    It's not as simple as "oh it's a choice" because it isn't for the most part.

    1. Useful post. I also took a LGBT class waay back in the day. People forget the differences between gender and sex and the idea that roles are not universal across all cultures.

      Overall great post by Slim.

    2. co-sign and glad you backed it up with facts/links! and i have to ask this once again for those who think it's a choice…. why would we choose this life considering all the negative repercussions?

  17. I probably am the only one who will come out and say it, but no…I would not support the behavior that's described in your post. At all.

    Unlike a lot of you, I actually HAVE children. I have a wonderful set of fraternal twins. Eric, my son, and Ella, my daughter, are well adjusted and for the most part very normal two year-olds. I had the twins when I still lived in the DC Metro, and have since moved home to Cleveland. Their father still lives in the DMV though. He sees the twins as often as financially possible for both of us, and I think they have a bevy of male presence in their lives in his absence. That said, there are still times where my son is confused about things as he lives in a house full of women. I paint my daughters nails on occassion and my son wants in… I'll SOMETIMES paint his nails clear if I'm exhausted, but for the most part I let him know nail polish is for girls. Later I'll explain girls and emo-rock stars, but right now…girls.

    I don't let my daughter play with my sons football very often. Its not realistic. She can like football, she can watch football, but she'll never play organized football on my watch. A league of women players doesn't officially exist. Most good middle and high schools STILL don't and won't let girls play. (If ANYONE mentions the lingerie league, kill yourself.) I won't fight for her to play if she has an obscene passion for playing. Girls don't play football. She's a girl. Stay in your lane, baby.

    I don't condone lesbian, homosexual, or transgender behavior. I'm a Christian. I also don't condone and won't allow lying, murder, jealousy, other breaches of the Ten Commandments & additional sins to go unpunished in my household. I don't believe "homosexuality" is something that you are "born with" or that you don't have a "choice" about. I think sometimes in our country we sorely mistake tolerance and allowing behaviors that lead to certain decision and action later.

    I will not raise a boy to be a Princess. At the end of the day, he won't ever in his life be able to be a Princess. Even if for some reason, a Prince of some country fell in love with my (God forbid) future Gay Son and joined him in a commitment ceremony, he still wouldn't be the Princess of that land. He'd be the fairy that fake married their once Beloved Prince who is now NOT the next in line to rule because of his sexuality, most likely. If my son enjoys dressing up as a girl, he's going to have to learn that doing so will have to be done when he's over 18 and not living in my home. There's also a big difference between a male ballet dancer, which exists, and a male Princess, which doesn't. So while I see what the school mentioned tried to do, it still doesn't quite make sense.

    I don't want to seem homophobic. I don't chastise or dislike gay, lesbian or transgender people. In fact, all of my gay friends KNOW that I am more conservative with my views on their lifestyle. They are aware I'll never be voting to allow them to marry, and I would be devastated if my children chose to live homosexual lifestyles in the future. I won't allow my son to be "fabulous" or my daughter to be "butch" because I believe in gender roles and abiding by them.

    I'm interested to read your future writings on this topic. I think though sensitive, its something that needs to be healthily explored.

      1. Ha. I have a phrase that I often recite, that I'll reference in regards to clear nail polish…"Pick your battles, mom." Its the bitter polish. I got it for my daughter actually b/c she bit and sucked her fingers post pacifier. Its matte, not shiny, it dries like there's nothing there. It just satisfies the "screaming toddler" from time to time. I'm not happy about it. It was actually suggested to me by my dad…and it works when sometimes just "no" warrants an out and out fallout.

        1. Nah, tall lesbians and cornrows were never really my taste….. :0P

          I actually know Natalie and have nothing against girls who want to play traditionally male dominated sports.

          As long as they're not competing physically against a man, what's the harm?

        2. *dead* i wish the wnba would just go away. i'd rather watch golf or soccer than that and that's saying a lot because i think basketball is the greatest sport in the world.

    1. "At the end of the day, he won’t ever in his life be able to be a Princess. Even if for some reason, a Prince of some country fell in love with my (God forbid) future Gay Son and joined him in a commitment ceremony, he still wouldn’t be the Princess of that land. He’d be the fairy that fake married their once Beloved Prince who is now NOT the next in line to rule because of his sexuality, most likely."

      this slayed me. it was inside that I cried.

      1. That whole sentence was the truth!!!

        And thanks for calling everyone bluffs. I want to see how many of those people who said they wouldn't mind, actually have kids?

        But if they do, more power to them. It's still a free country right?

    2. You obviously have some very real issues you need to work out regarding LGBTQ people as well as gender rolls you find acceptable.

      We all need to stop deciding for other people, our children included, how it would be best for them to lead their lives.

      In the end, the only thing that should matter is our children being happy. If being gay/lesbian/bi/queer makes them happy more power to them.

      It is very sad to me to know that so many folks feel otherwise.

  18. Good topic – good post! 😀

    BUT…I'm not so sure that what Dyson's sexual preference will be is conclusive…YET.

    Once I get past that part…Great that his parents (including his father) are supportive, that his school is supportive, that his mother is advocating for anti-bullying et al – and even more "great" that this topic is being discussed by Black Folks….

    I'm happily hetero black woman…if my child presented signs of or came to me saying he/she was gay etc – I'd support in any and every way I could.

    …let's get back to Black Folks…

    …issues like the policy at Morehouse (which is just an outward display of a long unspoken issue around their homosexual student population)

    …issues like the HIV/AIDS rate in our community

    …issues like gays in the church that we pretend to ignore

    …who's on the down low or not

    ….the deep seated issue we have as a community around supporting the "lifestyle" (which is a bs reference if you ask me)

    Black folks have to stop being afraid of homosexuality…yes Black men have been scrutinized for generations upon generations…AND/SO…whether we support homosexuality or not this isn't going to stop…so why sit around fostering self-hatred instead of standing up for our family, friends etc…letting this issue continue to be closeted is just perpetuating our bigger issues.

    Support…whether they are your kids or someone else’s kids…I know there are a lot of variables, who's doing what cuz they think it’s the in thing to do or out of insecurity…but that just feeds my point…w/o embracing the cycle will continue.

    (gets down off of soap box)

    1. …issues like the policy at Morehouse (which is just an outward display of a long unspoken issue around their homosexual student population)

      …issues like the HIV/AIDS rate in our community

      …issues like gays in the church that we pretend to ignore

      …who’s on the down low or not

      LQQN up…all that stuff is pretty scary to me!

  19. if my son showed signs of being homosexuality growing up i can't lie and say i wouldn't be disappointed. i think it's every father's dream that their son follow in his footsteps. being that i'm not homosexual, i wouldn't want my son to be. i also wouldn't want my daughter to be gay either. with that said, i would be more disappointed if i had a gay son versus a gay daughter. yes it's biased and sexist and i make no apologies for it.

    if this was truly my son's lifestyle i would still support him. i wouldn't go out and buy him dresses and so forth but i would still support his decision. i'm not about stifling anyone's decisions about what they want to do with their life. you can only life one life and that's yours.

    1. My sentiments best reflect this comment.

      Its a real tough position, but maybe I don't want to deal with that situation, keeping it real. Same as for people who have kids with autism, or other brith defects. Its real tough, and I have the utmost respect for those parents. Maybe we wont know until we're in that position?

  20. My concern is that parents are just lettings kids do whatever they want. What happened to training up a child? Whatever your beliefs are on sexuality and gender (which are two different things) it seems that the parents are taking the easy way out. If your child came home and said I don't want to wear clothes would you let them do it? If your child came home and was writing all over himself because he thought it made him look nice would you go out and let him get a tattoo or continue to draw on himself?

    I kept hearing in the clip that when the allowed the boy to dress up like a girl it made him happy. There were a lot of things that I did as a child that made me happy, but my parents had to redirect me from doing because they were not the right thing to do. If the only reason they are letting them do this it is because it brings him happiness now, what about the long run? How are his actions today shaping the person he will become as he grows older?

    1. I hear what you're saying but if person has that homosexual tendency do you really think by you reprimanding him/her to fly STRAIGHT that's going to be the outcome in the end?? I don't think so……. #shakesheadhard

      What will happen is this: They will hide their homosexuality from you and the rest of the world and be forced to Keep it in the Closet. #noMichaelJackson *shrug*

      1. I never said by reimanding them that would turn a gay person straight. People are also assuming since this boy wants to dress like a girl he is gay and that he wants to be a girl. So we are limiting a person's gender to the clothes that they were and who they choose to sleep with?

        My concern is over letting children do whatever they want to do because it makes them happy. Children are growing and being molded into who they are becoming. They should not become something (rather you think it is right or wrong) just because a parent choses not to mold or shape their child in fear of supressing their creativity.

        This a child who needs to be taught and trained. Allowing him to do whatever he wants just because it makes him happy is not good. As adults we can not do what makes us happy all the time becaues they are consequences for our actions (they could be good or bad).

  21. There are very feew sermons that I can almost remember VERBATIM from my pastor growing, but there is one that will always and forever remain in my head as a man, Black man, head of a household, and father;

    It was my pastor's sermon on, "As for me and my house."

    My feelings about homosexuality are clear, I think that everyone should be allowed to do whatever the hell they want to do. God judges, I just go about living the way that I think God wants me to live. My only issue with anything that person does is when you begin to infringe on someone else's way of life. Whether or not, you choose to be homosexual or heterosexual is not my verdict to render. However, how you act is a choice.

    I'll give you an example, the decision to marry is an action. You choose to want to be married. You aren't born married, or with the predisposition that you get married. When it comes to gay marriage, if the congregation of that church has come to a consensus that they would like to participate in marriage of same sex couples then so be it. However, for same sex couples who force congregations and ordained ministers to marry them, that's just wrong. Why should their beliefs be compromised to uphold yours? That's not the way God intended us to be.

    As it pertains to me, whether my child is gay or not, it's not going to bother me one bit. But, i'm very practical and as a father, i'm going to raise him in the world that he lives in. I'm going to let him know what will be waiting for him and how to handle it. I'd rather protect my son from a hate crime, than have a "don't ask, don't tell" approach to raising my child.

    With that said, if there is someone who says that in their house they will not tolerate or allow their child to participate in homosexual acts that is perfectly okay. I don't think you tell the person who provides for you that you are going to ignore his rules. And if in that person's mind, it is a "House of the Lord" and the Lord doesn't condone homosexuality, then that's perfectly fine. And as a mentor of that person, I would tell them, it's perfectly fine for you to be gay, but it's not fair for you to force someone to embrace that life when they think it is a sin.

    Sin is all relative. Some people think homosexuality is a sin, that's fine for them. The only person who knows the answer is God. So for a child to argue with their father or mother and say, "It's not a sin, Dad!" Yeah, I see what you mean, but you gotta understand some folks ain't willing to risk their salvation over the words of man.

    Just to be clear though, I don't think i'm risking my salvation or eternity by raising a homosexual child. I don't see my God, or creator as an absolute. I think he has love for everyone, and notes that people have circumstances and the ability to make mistakes. So I think my job is to respect everyone and live my life the way I think is best for me to see heaven one day.

    1. @Dr. J, If I were to comment, it would read pretty much like your comment!

      I really liked this post and I am loving the comments/dialogue.

  22. This is an interesting topic and one I have had with friends.

    The PC answer is to say that I would be fine with it and would still love my child.

    If it actually happens, who knows…. I would always love my child regardless but I may still be a little confused as it is a lifestyle and feelings as a man I can't understand.

    Also oddly enough I think I would have a much easier time if it was my daughter as opposed to my son. I dont know if it is because as a man I can understand how someone would love a woman, or because we are conditioned to think of a man who lays with another man as less than a man (remembers in the 90's "punk" was what you called someone soft).

  23. Admitting your own homophobia is a step to fighting it within yourself, so I commend you in that respect. Now when you start a post with an entire paragraph sharing your "disgust" w/queer kids, it makes it difficult to move on from those sentiments of yours since you never state specifically what led to you your change of heart & what the journey to fight inner bigotry and digust/hatred of gays & trans was like. Leaves the reader stuck on that hatred. You even end the post w/questions that sound rhetorical in nature. Rather than asking "would you seriously support your child…?" and "would you condone such behavior?" the question should be "would you support or oppose your child's desire…?" The way you asked those questions, you make it seem like the "right answer" is an emphatic NO. If you're bringing up your own homophobia while writing a post on raising gay & trans children, you have to share what you're doing to get rid of that hatred. So to answer your tilted questions, I'd support any identity decision my child makes – whether it's regarding their racial identity or sexual identity. I will surround my child with ppl that are like my child, however s/he identifies. I wish you well in your journey to fight your inner hatred against gays.

    1. The beauty of writing for a blog is that you have time to think before you type. I chose my words very carefully as to not give away everything and write a 2K word post. I'll be adding some additional thoughts and elaborating on some of the comments tomorrow on my site. I hope you check it out.

  24. Thanks for the shout out Slim. Great post. I think that this topic is so important because there are so many conflicted viewpoints, even within ourselves. And because it's rarely discussed openly and honestly; due to name calling and bigotry on both sides.

    So here's my two cents, I'm still not sure how exactly I'd handle this situation. I know the PC and enlightened thing to do would be to agree, but I'm going to reserve my applause for the parents until I actually get a solid opinion formed. It's so foreign, I really don't even know what I really think.

    I do know that I'm all for supporting the child and I would have no problem with playing dress up in the house. Or him dressing up in a more feminine Halloween costume. Or bedazzling some more traditionally male clothes. But the fact is, when he is in the real world, not everyone is going to be so accepting, right or wrong. I feel like they have an obligation to prepare him in some way for the fight that he's about to embark on…

    I can applaud the book, it's a great start, begin the discussion, spread some tolerance. But you owe it to your son to prepare him as well. He can't be shocked when he shows up to a job interview in a bangin' wrap dress and pumps and gets a side eye.

    The mom said it wasn't even a gender preference. He just likes sparkly, pretty, glittery clothes. I seriously understand that. Glittery stuff is, well, GLITTERY! That's fun!

    But yeah, flash forward to the future…how hard is his dating life going to be when he meets a girl, she's diggin him, she googles his name and this video pops up…not that just because something is hard you should stifle it, or not be yourself, but as this child's mother, I'd be preparing him for the harsh reality that IS, while encouraging him to be himself in SAFE environments (home, socially acceptable surroundings like Halloween, when he's with safe peers). To find a balance. But it seems like this family is simply saying, "it is what it is" and are ignoring the reality of his future strife.

    Personally I think that sexual orientation has no place in this child's story. However, many people will look at it and say that his parents are "making him gay"(reality). So I'm glad it was brought up, because it should be stated that him liking to wear jewelry is not indicative of his sexual preference. It would point me toward a discussion on gender identity though, but his mother (who certainly knows more about him them I) already ruled this out, so it seems to be simply a matter of the boy likes to feel pretty.

    Some of the gender clothing things are just dumb. The whole pink/blue gender/clothes thing is so funny to me…

    I have a black boy DOG and a brown girl DOG. I have a pink collar for my black boy dog (because black and pink are HOT #youcan'ttellmenothin ) and my brown girl dog wears a turquoise blue …collar (brown and blue? love it!) Would you believe that people give me gruff for "letting" my boy DOG wear pink?!?! Are you kidding me?? You think he's gonna be gay because of it?? lol Ok.

    1. Starita: “Personally I think that sexual orientation has no place in this child’s story. However, many people will look at it and say that his parents are “making him gay”(reality). So I’m glad it was brought up, because it should be stated that him liking to wear jewelry is not indicative of his sexual preference.”

      It really doesn’t. I’ll admit, I liked the Care Bears when I was younger, because my parents played it all the time and because I liked teddy bears (yeah, I admit it, the damn Care Bears with the designs on their bellies, I don't care about your side-eyes). Granted, I was much more into Voltron, Transformers, He-Man, Thundercats, MASK, Silverhawks, etc, but the point is his dress wearing may just be a phase and is not indicative of his sexual preference.

      1. The last movie I saw with my sister alive was the Carebear movie that they showed to the cancer patients at sloan kettering.

        At some point I realized holding onto my sister's dolls would be considered gay (around ten maybe). But I still have the pink one sitting in my bedroom at my mom's till this day. And it was a good movie too..

      2. There's a Voltron movie in the works and they're already remaking the Thundercats cartoon. So your inner child can start doing backflips….

        [and G.I. Joe Resolute should be required viewing for anyone who grew up with the old Hasbro toys and suffered through that movie]

        1. am I the only one who has re watched ThunderCats cartoons and realized they are actually terrible. If it wasn't for talking Catmen with muscles, weapons, and a cool car even at five years old I would never watch that crap.

        2. I never realized how cheesy Voltron was until I rewatched it as an adult. I guess I was just a stupid kid.

        3. Excuse me, but I lovededed the Thunder Cats and so did my sister! Cheetara, Lionel, a bad cartoon? BLASPHEMY!

      3. True, and this boy may love Voltron, Transformers, He-Man, Thundercats, MASK, Silverhawks, etc, as well…he was out playing basketball with his brother in the film no? The only "issue" that we are privy to is that he loves him a bedazzled strapless A-line with matching peeptoe sticks.

        I played the hell out of some HeMan and Transformers when I was a little girl. I still throw around the football with my brothers and I'm not that gay.

        1. I heard a comedian say He-Man was the gayest toy of all time ROFL

          When you really look at the dolls……he's right. ROFL

          I say this as a dude that still has a Castle Grey Skull in his mothers basement. ROFL

        2. #confessions: Why have I been watching HeMan late at night when it comes on lately? *smh* It's nostaligic, but man is it terrible, and OH SO homoerotic. And all the women seem to be red heads…or is that just me looking too hard? The sorceress is repping Auburn though, War Eagle 🙂

  25. Hey yall. I see all the comments, but I'm in a class right now and typing from the blackberry ain't what's hot.. I'll be responding to some of these comments after 4pm and doing a part 2 on Three Ways to Take It tomorrow. Thanks for the dialogue so far.

  26. If you saw your son or daughter tryin to jam a screwdriver in their ear would you let them do it or would you tell them…no that's not good for you?

    So what's wrong with tryin to correct an abnormal sexual behavior that may cause them harm?

    I'm just sayin……

    1. @ 5 this young boy doesn't know what his sexual predeliction is going to be….discouraging him from being interested in the things he chooses to be interested in isn't the answer.

      What is acting like a girl? lol! Is that just something that is man-made? Girls where pink? From a fashion standpoint if you make women's clothes in just pink you're making a big mistake and those clothes will stay on the racks and you will lose money.

      Let's not spend too much time on what are considered social norms because some "man" told us thats what they are….

      The child's sexuality is presumed at this point…

      1. I think you missed the point. Because acting like a girl is a learned behavior. His acting like a girl probably doesn't mean he is gay. He is just mimicking behavior he sees. The question is why is he mimicking girls instead of boys. Adults shouldn't be assuming he is gay and encouraging him.

        1. how do you figure he is being encouranged to "be" gay?

          gay does not = a boy wearing girls clothes, dear heart – they are not mutually exclusive!

  27. I actually think the gay agenda is pushed in the media so much now that we are actually encouraging kids to become gay when they are not. I think a lot of kids are confused now. I think that the percentage of the population that is truly gay is much smaller than the percentage of the population that claim to be gay or bi-curious.

    1. @il Duce

      I believe you are grossly mistaken. Most homosexuals will adamantly state that being gay is as much as a choice as being black or being a woman is.

      1. I think that is a gross exageration.

        You can refrain from gay sex. I can not refrain from being black.

        Gay is a behavior. Black is a physical characteristic.

        Any behavior can be modified. Behavior is a choice. Suppose you are born gay. You still choose to engage in gay sex. Men are born with violent instincts. But we choose whether to kill or not kill.

        1. *channeling the Jewish barbershop guy in Coming to America* Ah haaa!

          "You can refrain from gay sex. I can not refrain from being black. Gay is a behavior. Black is a physical characteristic."

          This alone is a whole post. Is "gay" simply a behavior? Must you have homosexual sex to be gay? Por ejamplo – I have yet to have conventional sex with a man…yet I am heterosexual, no? Or must I have heterosexual sex to be hetero?

          I don't think anyone in the world would dispute (intelligently) that one has a choice to willfully engage in sex or not (homosexual or otherwise)…but just because they aren't having the sex, does that make them any less gay intrinsically?

          Splitting hairs yes, but a lot of the argument goes back to the basic belief of is being gay a choice or not…

        2. No, I'm sorry, you are wrong.

          Having gay sex is a behavior just like having heterosexual sex or necrophilic polygamous swinger sex is a behavior.

          Being gay is a characteristic just like any other physiological trait (heterosexual, intelligent, athletic, tall, fat, etc.) you can use to describe an individual. The root of the issue is whether or not being gay is an explicit choice or whether their are uncontrollable physiological factors that predispose people to being attracted to the same sex, and furthermore, whether that choice is OK or acceptable.

          And just for the record, homosexuality isn't a unique human phenomenon.

          http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexual_behavior_

          Homosexuality is just as rampant within the animal kingdom as it is amongst humans.

        3. "necrophilic polygamous swinger sex"

          I'm trying to figure out the logistics of this…if there are multiple polygamous couples AND you need necrophilia to get off…are people keeping some of their dead spouses on hand?? Hmmmm…that's a head scratcher…

  28. More of my views:

    Being gay is a subconcious choice. You choose…but not on a level you are aware of. Like being an alchoholic or drug addict. The choice is made in the subconcious.

    Think about this. If a boy is wearing dresses at age three, what does that have to do with sex? Seems like, for some reason he wants to act like a girl. Dosen't mean he is sexually attracted to men. Might just mean, like our parents used to say, he's spending too much time with girls. Or he wants the attention that girls are getting. Or because he gets so much "support" for being gay, it reenforces and encourages his behavior.

    Anyway, like I said. I think some people are born gay but most people choose.

    1. Being gay is a subconcious choice. You choose…but not on a level you are aware of. Like being an alchoholic or drug addict. The choice is made in the subconcious.

      You cannot compare sexual orientations to psycho-physical addictions given one must CHOOSE to partake in alcohol or drugs before becoming addicted AND choose to allow the behavior to get out of control.

      I think you're trying to point out that dressing like either gender doesn't determine your sexual orientation. People usually picture some guy wearing dresses to be a male homosexual. That's their ignorance… The separation is clear. People choose not to see it.

      However, while dressing one way or the other is choice, I disagree that homosexuality is a choice. The acts are a choice, but the preferences themselves are independent of choices. You can choose to have sex with a man, but your feelings of attraction is something you can not control.

  29. I am not allowing the media, gay/lesbian, straight or otherwise to dictate what goes on in MY HOME. I know what I know and will prepare my children accordingly.

    I am at a point in my life where even though there may be a grey area. I know that I have to pick a side one way or the other. You have to stand for something or fall for anything as the saying goes.

    Everybody trying be PC and nice to not offend anyone, but SOMEONE WILL BE OFFENDED. So why not stick to YOUR morals and values and live life?

    In the last days, all types of things that ARE WRONG will be made to look right – so be careful what you accept and tolerate. Everything has changed with the times – including morals and values. Just because errrbody else doing it does not make it right.

    At some point you come to a conclusion about things– if yall want to allow the media and being PC to dictate how you should feel and what you should accept…..be careful because that is a very slippery slope.

    Whom a person loves or has chex with is a personal choice; it becomes an issue for me when it’s being pushed into my home via the media, etc. Moreover, if my child so happens to go that route in life, I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

  30. Wow this thought pooped into my head just the other day for some odd reason. And I looked at through the idea of my son wanting to be a woman or just homosexual ftmp and I thought to myself I think I would be okay with it. With a bit of struggle (which is to be expected) but for the most part I would be fine. I then thought how would I protect him from everyone else?

    1. @Reecie –

      #cmonson, shorty was born a woman and is playing women's basketball, why is this news? because she identifies herself as a man? well the ncaa said, "ok, but you are a woman so you will play women's basketball."

      not seeing the significance.

      1. Kye is playing on a women's basketball team? I thought the significance of the article was the NCAA was allowing her on the men's basketball team… *confused*

      2. this quote in particular was poignant to me: "At first I didn’t understand, and then he explained that sex is how you’re born and gender is how you identify yourself. Then I started to understand.”

        plus her discussion of how her mother made her dress like a girl was relevant to the convo. but I'm done sharing. thanks

        I didn't realize until the very end she played for the womens team–I initially thought she played with the men.

  31. Firstly, at what point would we draw the line between gender confusion and choices? I guess that's a judgment only a parent could make and I cannot. I would want my child to dress in the tone of their biological gender until they're 18 and out the house. Meaning no dresses for little boys. Shoot, at 16/17 yo, my son can even invite their boyfriend/friend-boy over. But BOTH of you better be dresses like boys. And regardless of the sexual orientation of my daughter, she will dress like lady. Not necessarily dresses, but clearly feminine.

    My stance is that the rules of my house shouldn't hinder anyone from feeling like they cannot be themselves. Bad things happen when children feel like they can't be open with their parents. There doesn't exist anything called "too supportive." One must re-acclimate their understanding of what it means to be supportive. I won't support my 7 y.o. boy wearing dresses just like I won't support my daughter wearing scantily clad clothing or my 5 y.o. acting a fool in the grocery store.

    Honestly, I think I would be more accepting of my daughter being homosexual than my son. This is not to feed into hyper-masculinity and homophobia that is prevalent in the black community. Simply saying it'll take more effort mentally to accept a homosexual son (mostly to get over the fact that there will be no blood grandchildren children with my last name) but I'll be equally supportive as I would for a homosexual daughter. And I will be supportive. The main question is WHEN. At which point and for what reasons do I support or scold a child for acting gender opposite? I surely won't be made if my son wants to do ballet opposed to football. I can handle even glitter when at home. But he better be "properly dressed" and I define what is properly dressed in my house. Also, I wouldn't support sexual acts regardless of sexual orientation in under a certain age. But when the time is right, I'll definitely give the bees and the bees, the birds and the birds talk to my homosexual child.

    Many people want their children to be what they could not be. They want their children to live on in their image. This is the problem and solution. One will have to re-understand what it means for a child to be "the best of" them. I'm not reducible to my sexual orientation. I am much more than that, therefore the same will be for my children. I'll be much more upset if they didn't follow in my footsteps (with some family business) or strive to become successful on their own. That to me would be a real issue, not one's sexual orientation.

    1. So you would force your biological male child who idenitifes as female to dress as a man even though he feels he is a woman?? Do you realize how torturous this is. Think about you a man being forced to dress like a woman. That's how they would feel except the opposite.

      1. Identifying as a female (or some female tendencies) IS NOT the same as being attracted to men.

        I specifically said "no dresses." Aren't you assuming that in order to identify as a woman, one must wear dresses? I didn't mention hair, nails, underwear, various accessories, scented products, makeup, etc. just dresses… Some dresses/skirts my daughter wouldn't be allowed to wear. Am I forcing her to identify as a man? No. Just the same, only at after a certain age (the same age) will either my homosexual son or heterosexual daughter will be able to wear makeup.

        This is not about trying to influence/hide one's sexual orientation. This is about knowing how to express themselves while still following rules. Life lessons. That's what I'm there for…

        FYI: Not allowing a boy to wear dresses IS NOT torture unless it is used as ONE OF MANY methods to force a child to hide their sexual identity. If my son REALLY wants to BE a girl and not just attracted to men, then there are hormonal treatments.

        1. "This is about knowing how to express themselves while still following rules."

          This is my whole issue with the family in the video…the whole reason I wanted to discuss it.

          There are rules to society dot period. The parents seem to be doing their son a disservice by creating this utopic bubble. It's lovely, but that's not life…at some point he's going to be called cruel names. He's going to be mocked. He's may even be physically assaulted. He can't be blindsided when this happens. Prepare him for the world in which we live, let him work on the improvements with all the (age appropriate) facts.

        2. You specifically said, " I would want my child to dress in the tone of their biological gender until they’re 18 and out the house." this excludes more than just dresses if he is a male identifying as female.

        3. @Starita, I haven't watched your link just yet. I'll watch it over dinner.

          Here are my thoughts/clarification on my comments:

          I had a facebook status once:

          "Being different than the rest comes with a price, but it's never worth it to sell yourself." If you are different, in any way, children adults, media will single you out. What you quoted from my comment is two-fold:

          1. they learn to follow rules.

          2. They learn how to express themselves.

          They are humans first, and every human child has to learn how to express themselves regardless of the surrounding circumstances. They have to learn how to be their own moderator for their own survival. Not just towards cross-gender dressing. But towards EVERYTHING. This is a given, but it is not, so I'm typing it. My job is to teach my child how to survive in the current climate and any other climate I can dream up without sacrificing they're self love and identity. Another given, but it's not, so I'm typing it.

          In my eyes, it's part of being "supportive." Many parents, in the first place, try to paint this Utopian society. They have a tendency to leave out stuff as their way of "protecting" the child. Honestly, that I abhor that… I can be honest about the problems they (my children -> period) will face in life -> period. Nothing in any of my comments say otherwise.

          I'll end with a quote: "I don't want a pacifier. Give me the real t*tty!!"

        4. @thebagladywhobrokeherback,

          The statement right after that sentence you quoted was: "Meaning no dresses for little boys." I think that is clear…

          1. In my mind, I think of dresses/skirts to be out of biological tone for a male child. There's shirts, pants, jeans, shoes, jewelery and other things that are OK in mind.

          2. I also said, that if he identifies as a WOMAN then there are hormonal treatments. If he wants to be a woman, there are medical steps to take short of surgery. Then he'll be taking his biological tone into his own hands. If he wants to be female then we can take steps to start him on that path, once that path starts then he'll dress like a female.

          Until those steps to change his biological tone are started (at least discussed with a doctor and agreed upon), he'll dress as a male. That's not torture. That is providing an option.

      2. thebagladywhobrokeherback: "So you would force your biological male child who idenitifes as female to dress as a man even though he feels he is a woman??"

        Yes.

  32. Amongst the LGBT community I've always felt that transmen and transwomen have it the WORST. It's just something that most people don't understand, even some gays and lesbians don't get it.

    I can honestly say that I would support my child if he/she felt that they were unhappy occupying gender roles assigned to their sex and also if they went as far as to say that they feel they need a sex change. I don't think there is anything "wrong" about this. It just is. Granted that it often begins at a young age, these thoughts are clearly authentic and not socially constructed.

    I would definitely fear for the life of my child and would maybe steer them towards more androgynous (sp?) fashion when they were younger for their own safety and my sanity but once they got older the choice would be theirs and I could only hope and pray that they find peace in their existence and others can accept them for who they are (or who they believe themselves to be).

  33. Way late here (thanks school) but I'm firmly against intolerance. It may not be what you want for your child but by trying to correct for something he/she can't help only hurts your child in the long run. You have a child who is always conflicted and feeling like what he/she feels makes him/her an abomination. This won't happen in all cases but this can lead to cutting/drug-alcohol abuse/ suicide…. I can't imagine wanting to hurt my child for his/her decisions because I can't live their lives for them. I'll just leave it at that 🙂

  34. interesting topic to be explored…unfortunately you once again seem to have danced around the issues without actually saying anything. i hope you do more with your part 2.

  35. Wow, this post made me emotional for some reason. I had this conversation last week with a friend of mine who is a lesbian and I remember when she came out to me 3 years ago. I was shocked and not really supportive. In fact I had a really hard time talking to her for like 6 months. I wasn't really upset that she liked women in a romantic way, but that this had been going on for like the 5 years I'd known her and she never told me. I couldn't relate so I felt of no use in our friendship. Prior to this, I was just an LGBT champion from the side and that had just became something I was willing to accept. I told my friend last week that I wouldn't want to marry/date someone who would shun their child for their sexuality. The whole transgender thing is definitely a reach for me. I imagine I would have some crying, sleepless nights mainly because I have no idea what my child would be going through…how do I help them? It would be easier for me to handle the gay/lesbian because I would have someone for them to talk to if I couldn't help. This topic is something that must be considered beyond "beat the hell out of the child" or shunning. Dig deeper.

  36. Didn't read any other comments, but didn't feel I need to.

    At the end of the day, I feel like I want to encourage my kids to be who they are. No doubt the households wherein the male child was wearing the dress had a father who was trying to uphold the traditional male ideal. At the very least, old buddy wasn't walking around the house wearing fluffy pink house shoes.

    Those children are going to have to face criticism at every turn as they grow up because they live an "alternative" life style. Not just from their age group peers, but from adults they may or may not know, love and respect. They may hear it from Pastors and they may hear hate in popular media. Some of those children kill themselves because they are ashamed of themselves or afraid of being disowned. Don't we (as parents) nip some of that possibility in the bud by teaching to embrace their "different-ness"? I don't have children, but I would rather my child know how much I love him or her while they were here on earn than to sing their praises at a memorial service.

    I think there is a difference between trying to help the child resolve confusion vs trying to force the child to be someone they aren't…I think parents do that at times in other areas unintentionally anyway…but that's a comment for another post.

  37. I would most definitely NOT support such foolishness! If my son showed any feminine tendencies, especially at such a young age, it would NOT be encouraged by any means! That behavior would immediately be corrected. He will be who God made him to be, which is male. Just because my son shows interest in fire & explosives should I let him blow up buildings & encourage him to be a terrorist? If my son has an anger problem do I allow & encourage violent behavior? Do I say "that's just how he was born & who he wants to be"? Heck no! You CORRECT the behavior & encourage what is right whether they like it or not. It's called actually raising your kids…

  38. It's killing me! How can anyone say they'll love their kids if they won't accept them? How can you say you love your child/future child if you KNOW that you would act like a JERK if your child was gay/lez. Also, sexuality and gender are two separate issues!

    Personally, I would LOVE mine regardless (when I have them) yet, I would do what I can so that my kid would be able to assimilate within society. Thus, I would give my boy purple and yellow clothes if he wants to transcend the confines of his male gender identity and find some middle ground for my girl. IMO, changing sexuality has nothing to do with how a kid dresses or acts. Matter of fact, kids shouldn't even be on anything sexual until puberty (at least), all of that kids being/acting gay bs is our adult projections of our beliefs on some neutral behaviors that kids might enjoy and it's probably innocent. Can you imagine how HUGE a deal any of this would be later in life if YOU/ME as a parent didn't just roll with it, and love and accept YOUR child?

  39. Quick question: Why is that every gay person must have been born gay? Couldnt some be born gay and some have chosen to be gay? Isn't it just as damaging to define someone's sexuality for them?

  40. Wow @ the comments. This is some deep, thought-provoking discussion. Good stuff.

    With that said, I disagree with those saying they would "support" their child. I have to ask at what age are we talking? Personally, I am not going to support a 5 year old boy wearing dresses and doing girly things when he knows nothing about nothing. You don't support a 5 year old's decisions. You raise and guide that child. According to my values, I would guide the child and show an example of proper gender roles. (You thought there was so much concern about having two-parent households/marriages b/c it looks good on paper? No, parents are examples in day-to-day living for children) When my son/daughter reached a certain age of accountability, then they are free to make their own decisions. My job up until then is to instill values, raise, and guide them.

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